Survivor Brazil Week 9

Yo, welcome to another edition of Coach: Cock of the Walk. But, before I delve into another episode of fun, intrigue and friggin puzzles, did everyone see the report that Coach has been relieved of him coaching job because he lied about going on Survivor? Told the team he had to go into the hospital for 2 MONTHS for cancer testing. LOL. Guess he already knew there was no chance in HELL anyone on the team would want to visit or send flowers.

OK, so when we left Brandon was voted off cause the jalapeno alliance decided to go along with Coach. Sierra is now alone without her 2 person alliance, and without the immunity idol. Hmmm, didn't she have an alliance with Stephen and Taj as well? Guess not.

Sierra talks to Coach, as one does when in the presence of greatness. "Sierra, you make bad decisions in life. You pitted yourself against me. You deserve to go home." Wow. Let's judge her whole life based upon an alliance on a game show!

Coach is doing the dragon slayer bullshit. "I got rid of the stronger, younger and, let's face it WAY better looking competitor. Although, not sure about strongest cause, we were talking last week? About, like, being strong and stuff? It was right after we whipped out our peckers and measured them-you'll notice I didn't call myself better endowed-anyway, I said I could bench press 300 lbs and Brandon was all, WOW, I can't. Anyway, YYYYYEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Oh, that was an Amazonian primal yell that means, I am the dragon slayer, and victory is already mine".

Sierra continues the pity tour. Talks to Tyson. Ok, he's an ugly ass psychopath. He thinks it's funny. "She's of no worth. I guess her parents love her but her boyfriend must be a loser".

Reward Challenge: 2 teams, have to run out into the jungle, and CRAPPPPPPPPPPPP, untie 4 big swiss cheese puzzle pieces,carry them back and each one in the right puzzle stand. Then, you have to line up the swiss cheese holes so you can read a bunch of vowels that you use with letters to solve the daily word power. C'mon, this is the best we can do?????????????????? Wanna know what you are playing for? Food and some strange ass martial arts-ballet thing that Coach pretends he's all familiar with.

Red team is Tyson, Erinn, JT and Debbie. Black is Coach, Sierra, Stephen and Taj. I'll skip the boredom. The red team obliterates the black team. It's not even close.

Jeff: "Coach, you continue to lose out on these reward challenges, which is surprising with all of your life experiences".
Coach "Well, Jeff, I didn't have to move puzzle boards in the Amazon". Oh, SNAP.

Stephen is sent back to exile in case there is a re-hidden idol.

Reward: Food and local dancing. Apparently the natives speak English. They eat like pigs. I saw corn, what looked like quesadillas, corn bread and WTF?? Brownies? Isn't this the second week of Duncan Hines? (Well, Duncan Hiney's if you include the Charmin challenge). Debbie is all into the kids cause she's a principle in case you missed that. After gorging themselves, Survivors are brought up to "dance" with the "natives" which includes Debbie doing a couple back flips, Tyson doing a cartwheel and Erinn kicking real high. This makes Erinn barf in the woods.

Exile: No new idol.

Back at camp, Sierra tries to talk to Debbie in front of Erinn and Coach. They treat her like a puppy that shit on the rug. Debbie is all, "you made your bed, we all have to live with the choices we make in life". Why do I think these platitudes are going to come back and bite Debbie and Coach in the ass? Erinn gets a few jabs in as well. But, in her one on one camera time, she admits that Sierra is right but Erinn wants Sierra out so she can "turn the game on it's head". LOL. As if.

Sierra works on Coach again. He acts like, poor little thing, I'd like to give you a second chance. It's kind of boring.

Immunity Challenge: It's cold and rainy. Everyone is in bathing suits shivering. Except Jeff. He is in a lovely periwinkle blue safari shirt, and he has the HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT wet shower hair. Uhuh. And, OMG, he has a little tuft of wet hair sticking just slightly peeking out of her shirt.

Ok, I'm not even sure I can type this part. I really really don't want to. Wait, let me slam back a shot of whisky...................................................... Ok. Today's Immunity challenge is.......Shuffleboard. I kid you not. A new LOW in Survivor history. Oh, but there's a catch. If you want to sit it out, you can do that and eat pizza instead. Stephen, JT and Coach sit out and eat pizza. Tyson is not happy with Coach for taking the easy way out.

Shuffleboard. It's boring. It's not even real shuffleboard. It's like the kind you find in a cocktail lounge in Florida. The kind of place old retired people in hats, Hawaiian shirts and black socks with sandals hang out. Also, the little mini board is full of water. Anyway. It's just a bad holiday nightmare. Tyson manages to get 2 chips near the star, and Sierra knocks them both out putting herself in play. She does a little dance which pisses Coach and Tyson off. Debbie is the only one left with a shot. She knocks Sierra off and wins immunity.

Jeff puts the necklace on her and then, BASTARD, keeps his arm around her shoulder for too long, in my opinion. TRAMP.

Back at camp, Tyson, Debbie and Coach huddle around the fire and complain about Sierra. In the tent, Stephen, Erinn and Taj hatch a plot to get rid of Tyson while he doesn't have immunity. Stephen talks to JT about it. JT isn't sure he wants to show his hand this early. Coach talks to JT: "I want to to into the finals with the 5 warrior alliance"JT:" You can trust me"

Tribal Council: Time for Probsting

Oh, in case I forget, Coach turns up at tribal with a feather in his hear and another in his little pony tail.
Tyson: " I'm totally comfortable tonight Jeff"
Jeff: "Sierra, do you think people are being nice to you and telling you it's your time so you'll be nice to them on the jury?"
Sierra: "Well, Jeff, blahblahblah"
Tyson: "Nobody knows what you are talking about you idiot" "I never felt a bond with her" "I gave her 5 minutes and now I'm done with her"
Sierra:" frankly, I'd vote for Tyson cause he's the strong one and will probably win all of the challenges"Jeff: "Coach: I Tyson a threat?"
Coach: "Well, Jeff, I want to walk the path of a noble warrior and go into the final battle with only the strongest. I want to win an honorable battle "
Jeff: "Hmmmm, so, is that why you got rid of Brandon, the strongest player last week??"
Coach:"Um, haha, um, I'm a ravenous wolf"
Me: "What the fuck are you talking about you crazy ass loon with feathers in your pony tail???"
Time to vote and count the votes:
Sierra gets 3 votes, Tyson gets 4. WTF????????????????????? Hey, what's that smell? That's the smell of the Smug-Birdman-Dragon-Slayer crapping himself.

Forza
Coach: Leslie
Debbie: Elayne
Sierra: Donna
Errin.Carolyn
JT: Stacey
Taj: Kelly
Stephen: Mary and Becky

Off to Carnival
Carolina: Terri
Candace: Matt and Kevin
Jerry: Karen and John
Sandy: Jeff and Eileen
Spencer: Joanne
Sydney: Ginnie
Joe: Kim
Brendan: Amy and Maureen
Tyson: Tess and Susan