Oh FOR CHRIST SAKE. Literally. I'm starting to wonder if 1) CBS is going out of their way to chose religious nutjobs as an attempt to make this show more about religion than survival or if 2) excessive hunger and body odor makes one become a religious nut job. Either way, IT IS GOD DAMN ANNOYING.
So this week Albert wakes up a little bit to the whole Survivor game thing, and realizes just letting Coach pull him around by the short hairs might in fact NOT be a good strategy. He decides he should be worried about Sophie. Maybe so, but you should also be worried that Coach is living in some Lord of the Rings fantasy and believes he needs to beat his nemesis, Ozzy, in order to find redemption. I can't wait until the reunion show when people have seen him basically promising Oz the second spot.
Albert talks to Rick, because well, talking to Rick is like talking to the back end of a cow. Albert has his own fantasy of Oz coming back to the game and him beating him, then taking Coach and Rick to the final 3, "I feel like I have been the most aggressive player trying to garner jury votes and position myself to win one million dollars and go home the sole survivor.” Man, what season have I been watching??
Challenge: Ozzy and Edna. Yea, this is gonna be hard... it's a slide a puzzle, remove a hatched, get puzzle pieces kinda thang. Ozzy kicks ass on the puzzle even with the tribe helping out Edna. It comes down to the puzzle but of course Oz has too big of a lead on Edna and he beats her. King of the Misfits!!
So it's now every man for him or herself on the island. Albert is getting tired of the whole honor and integrity thing. Brandon tells him they're all good for it to be Brandon, Coach and Albert in the finale. Albert thinks they need to get rid of Sophie and then knock out Ozzie. Brandon just keeps mumbling "God is with us".
On the other side, the real brain trust Coach and Sophie are talking strategy. Sophie wisely realizes Ozzy needs to go. Unfortunately Coach has this whole Ring Lord thing going on. "Ozzy's pleasure dome is on it's way out". Whatever the hell that means!
Albert talks to Coach, says she's a threat. "Albert blows whichever way the wind blows. He knows Sophie is smarter than he is". Then Brandon comes up and wants to know what they are talking about, gets all paranoid. He starts trying to bully Coach. Coach is getting annoyed with Brandon, and with his Dad who also tried to bully Coach last week into taking his son to the finale. Next think you know this little idiot is asking "for a hug, man". He really is crazy ass. Coach "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". Next thing you know Brandon is all "cheer up man, God has it under control".
What game does Brandon think he's playing that God has under control?? I mean, does he really think the Armageddon has arrived and these are the last 5 people on earth and they are playing for Eternal Salvation?? I'm getting worried he doesn't get that this is a reality show. Medic!!
Challenge: Climb a wall, untie puzzle pieces, on a box. Damn it I was really hoping for a bible verse trivia challenge to prove, once and for all, that these people spewing the God shit have never actually read the bible. Wanna know what you're playing for? 72 virgins? Nope, pizza. Remember when they used to pretend to give a shit about the native people of wherever they were invading for the show? Now? Pizza. And who's the loser? Those accountants and teachers who used to get paid to dress up, put a few bones through their noses and pretend to be authentic.
I'll skip the challenge other than to say Brandon wins immunity. THANK YOU JESUS. He chooses Rick to share his reward, probably because he doesn't want to have to do any talking while eating. Hey, didn't Albert give away his reward and ask for a food one in return??
Coach: "I believe in divine intervention...it wasn't Brandon's time to go home."
Back at camp, pizza delivery. Sophie and Coach decide on Albert. Sophie says she wants to just smell the pizza and goes to sit with Brandon and Rick. Albert gets nervous. Sophie tells them she's voting for Albert, Rick says "me too". Brandon decides he has to talk to Albert. A big fight ensues. "Brandon took the lid off Pandora's Box. Everyone says, "hey Albert promised me he was taking me to the finale". LOL. Albert tries to pull Brandon back in.
Brandon "God speaks to me. I want Albert to stay and I'll give him my necklace because I am an imperfect person and I believe in forgiveness". Or some such shit. I was too busy wretching to take notes. He of COURSE wants Sophie to go because he hates women. Coach thinks Brandon is nuts. "God wants Sophie to go".
Coach goes and FREAKING prays about it. "God gave me a name..." AAAAARRRRRRHHHHHHH
Tribal:
Brandon: I want to give up my necklace to Albert
The jury is DYING.
Coach shakes his head.
Brandon goes off on some former gang shit, how they did some stupid shit, and then when there was supposed to be a fight no one else would show up with me...
Jeff: so, dude, it wasn't really a gang...
Brandon: these 2 are my best friends through Christ. My bond with Albert is real, it's spiritual. Holy Spirit of Craziness!
Sophie: I don't know what to believe, Albert is sneaky
Rick: It was great until the pack of wolves hit
Rick: I wonder if, now that he is immune, would Albert give the idol back to Brandon out of loyalty??
Albert: um, NOOOO, Brandon is safe, no need to return the idol
And, then Brandon is voted off. "It's God's will, go win God's redemption...
Showing posts with label Survivor South Pacific. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Survivor South Pacific. Show all posts
Friday, December 16, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Survivor: Do You Have Prince Albert in a Can?
Ahhhhh, tribe Savaii is totally gone. Let the cannibalism begin!
Sophie doesn't like Woody, she also thinks Brandon is obsessively devout. Because, yes, it's post tribal prayer time. I sometimes wonder if this is what America would be like if one of these fundamental Christians gets elected president. The traffic lights would have walk, don't walk and pray lights on them.
Woody calls a meeting. I made a sacrifice for you all, to get your tribe to this point, please save me for 1 tribal council, because it's my birthday in 3 days. LOL, which is a total lie.
Albert: He makes a valid point...
Coach: I'd keep him (because Coach is smart enough to know that going to the final with Woody and that hot mess of Savaii on the jury would be excellent)
Sophie: Nope.
Redemption duel of 3. It's the stack dishes anti-pottery challenge. Ozzy, Dawn and Whitney. And of course Ozzie has to win the damn thing. Shit. Oz is all excited to start beating his enemies. "Beating my enemies is what I do best" . Which for some reason reminds me of Elf..."I love Santa, Santa is the best".
And speaking of Christmas...is Woody the model for the lead in the animated movie Arthur's Christmas?? Check it out here: http://www.arthurchristmas.com/
Edna is doing the fishing, cleaning and laundry for everyone. Hmmm, wonder if she'll come to my house for $50 bucks. Albert thinks she's trying to "outclean, outgather and outorganize" everyone else. He'll just keep sitting on his fat ass and letting everyone else work.
Brandon and his new BFF Woody go fishing. Woody is terrified of holding the fish. He really is a total pussy.
Albert finally gets off his ass and tries to help with the laundry, and immediately puts the fire out my spilling water. Coach: Albert has never done a day of work in his life". Rick calls him Prince Albert. LOL. Coach is sounding like he wants Woody to stay. He even takes him out for a little Tai Chi to "give the little grasshopper hope". Woody is all "stoked" after the Coach Chi.
Challenge: Toss 3 sandbags onto crates (didn't they already do this one??) and then slingshot coconuts to break things. Wanna know what you're playing for? Immunity and a survivor spa treatment.
Albert, Rick and Sophie get through the bean bag part of the challenge, and then Prince Albert wins immunity. Bummer. He gets to chose someone else to share the spa day, and picks Coach. Can I chose someone else, Jeff? No, we've only brought in 2 Asians, unless Edna wants to give a massage. Can I give up my reward? Sure. He gives it to Woody and asks someone to give him a food reward sometime.
Coach and Woody go back to the tribe and get their massages. It's Woody's first massage: "having someone stroke the inside of my leg is something new". How OLD is this virgin?? Wonder if the swelling has gone down yet. Coach says, "I'll fight for my little warrior".
Woody talks to Albert. It's not looking good Woody, Coach isn't ready to get rid of Rick yet. Apparently Albert has heard the Prince Albert comment...
Woody and Edna talk. "Albert's mad and wants Rick to go next." Edna's on board with that.
Woody talks to Coach: Alberts wants Rick to go next. The 3 of us are all committed to that.
Coach: There is a tide that is coming... (Whattt???)
Tribal with the Angry Birds jury.
Coach: The possibilities are endless, there's a new scenario hourly
Woody: It will fill the jury with glee to know that I'm on the chopping block, But I think I'm entitled to something for getting this tribe here.
Albert: I agree with Woody
Coach: We are here because of him...
Rick: then it's one of us...
Edna: I'm emotional because I've never been an equal 6. It's sad. I've been deceived...
Brandon: Jesus told me it's Woody followed by Edna, black and white. Suck it up people
Coach: Brandon isn't malleable, it's a blessing and a curse...
Ahhhhhhhh, crazy Brandon returns..... "I'm exhausted now...I want to do wrong things (do them do them!!!!) I'm human.....I want to do good things but something inside me won't let me..." Seriously, this dude is gonna kill a president someday.
Woody-is Brandon cracking? Talking to him about alternative strategies IS LIKE TALKING TO JEFF REGARDING NON-BLUE SHIRTS. hahahahahhahahahahah.
Sophie: I'm not concerned.
Woody: What happens if Edna wins immunity next week? hahahahaha. Not unless it's an ironing challenge.
They vote....and Woody is sent off to meet the great blue Ozzie hunter. We can only pray the duel will be a Star Trek trivia contest...
Sophie doesn't like Woody, she also thinks Brandon is obsessively devout. Because, yes, it's post tribal prayer time. I sometimes wonder if this is what America would be like if one of these fundamental Christians gets elected president. The traffic lights would have walk, don't walk and pray lights on them.
Woody calls a meeting. I made a sacrifice for you all, to get your tribe to this point, please save me for 1 tribal council, because it's my birthday in 3 days. LOL, which is a total lie.
Albert: He makes a valid point...
Coach: I'd keep him (because Coach is smart enough to know that going to the final with Woody and that hot mess of Savaii on the jury would be excellent)
Sophie: Nope.
Redemption duel of 3. It's the stack dishes anti-pottery challenge. Ozzy, Dawn and Whitney. And of course Ozzie has to win the damn thing. Shit. Oz is all excited to start beating his enemies. "Beating my enemies is what I do best" . Which for some reason reminds me of Elf..."I love Santa, Santa is the best".
And speaking of Christmas...is Woody the model for the lead in the animated movie Arthur's Christmas?? Check it out here: http://www.arthurchristmas.com/
Edna is doing the fishing, cleaning and laundry for everyone. Hmmm, wonder if she'll come to my house for $50 bucks. Albert thinks she's trying to "outclean, outgather and outorganize" everyone else. He'll just keep sitting on his fat ass and letting everyone else work.
Brandon and his new BFF Woody go fishing. Woody is terrified of holding the fish. He really is a total pussy.
Albert finally gets off his ass and tries to help with the laundry, and immediately puts the fire out my spilling water. Coach: Albert has never done a day of work in his life". Rick calls him Prince Albert. LOL. Coach is sounding like he wants Woody to stay. He even takes him out for a little Tai Chi to "give the little grasshopper hope". Woody is all "stoked" after the Coach Chi.
Challenge: Toss 3 sandbags onto crates (didn't they already do this one??) and then slingshot coconuts to break things. Wanna know what you're playing for? Immunity and a survivor spa treatment.
Albert, Rick and Sophie get through the bean bag part of the challenge, and then Prince Albert wins immunity. Bummer. He gets to chose someone else to share the spa day, and picks Coach. Can I chose someone else, Jeff? No, we've only brought in 2 Asians, unless Edna wants to give a massage. Can I give up my reward? Sure. He gives it to Woody and asks someone to give him a food reward sometime.
Coach and Woody go back to the tribe and get their massages. It's Woody's first massage: "having someone stroke the inside of my leg is something new". How OLD is this virgin?? Wonder if the swelling has gone down yet. Coach says, "I'll fight for my little warrior".
Woody talks to Albert. It's not looking good Woody, Coach isn't ready to get rid of Rick yet. Apparently Albert has heard the Prince Albert comment...
Woody and Edna talk. "Albert's mad and wants Rick to go next." Edna's on board with that.
Woody talks to Coach: Alberts wants Rick to go next. The 3 of us are all committed to that.
Coach: There is a tide that is coming... (Whattt???)
Tribal with the Angry Birds jury.
Coach: The possibilities are endless, there's a new scenario hourly
Woody: It will fill the jury with glee to know that I'm on the chopping block, But I think I'm entitled to something for getting this tribe here.
Albert: I agree with Woody
Coach: We are here because of him...
Rick: then it's one of us...
Edna: I'm emotional because I've never been an equal 6. It's sad. I've been deceived...
Brandon: Jesus told me it's Woody followed by Edna, black and white. Suck it up people
Coach: Brandon isn't malleable, it's a blessing and a curse...
Ahhhhhhhh, crazy Brandon returns..... "I'm exhausted now...I want to do wrong things (do them do them!!!!) I'm human.....I want to do good things but something inside me won't let me..." Seriously, this dude is gonna kill a president someday.
Woody-is Brandon cracking? Talking to him about alternative strategies IS LIKE TALKING TO JEFF REGARDING NON-BLUE SHIRTS. hahahahahhahahahahah.
Sophie: I'm not concerned.
Woody: What happens if Edna wins immunity next week? hahahahaha. Not unless it's an ironing challenge.
They vote....and Woody is sent off to meet the great blue Ozzie hunter. We can only pray the duel will be a Star Trek trivia contest...
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Survivor: Revenge of the Nerds
Word up.
That return to camp after the big Woody finds his balls tribal council was a little chilly. Oz is right on his ass. "I want to talk to Woody alone". Woody "I didn't watch 11 seasons of Survivor for my fate to be decided by pulling stones out of a bag". Amen Woodman.
Brandon steps into the conversation. "I just want to check nobody's getting aggressive with him". Awwwww. He is kinda sweet for a stupid idiot. Oz "We're not gangsters... You stabbed me in the back and prevented me from taking you only so far before stabbing you in the back, damnit!" "That's how a wiener plays". Oh SNAP, I'm gonna have to use that one at the Sellmans next game night.
Whitney "You disgust me". Ah, shut up ya bitch who has been riding coattails the whole damn way. "I just lost 6 weeks of my life out here". What a bunch of wieners unable to deal with being in the middle or bottom.
Fortunately the whole Upola tribe is still embracing him.
Next morning. Coach "last night was cause for a little Tai Chi celebration. I gotta be humble to go the whole way". Coach asks Woody who is next? Woody: "Jim is the worst of them". I whole heartedly agree.
Oz "I have no strategy....wo is me..."
Challenge: 2 parts: toss coconuts into rings, then the first 4 get to crack coconuts, carry mouthfuls of juice through a maze and spit into a tube. I hate these whole spit things.
Part 1: Dawn, Whitney, Jim and Sophie move on. Oz is totally pissed. Can't stand not being the king.
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? In the middle of watching this on Demand my cable was totally 100% taken over by the Billy Graham Network. No FREAKING kidding you. I couldn't change the channel, couldn't do anything for about 5 minutes. WTF???
Ok, I got it back. God, that was totally scary. Second part of the challenge it comes down to Sophie and Jim, until Sophie pukes and Jim wins immunity. Then I puked.
Brandon "It's Ozzy".
Oz talks to Coach. "I don't want to go" "I appreciate this new humility. But it's too little too late".
Dawn starts working it. Gives Coach a pillow and a blanket. "I might have to flip".
Jim, Whitney and Oz are doing the group toilet thing sitting in 2 feet of water. Jim "Woody is a poor excuse for a man...maybe I will give Oz the immunity idol and make the point that only one of us so far has been disloyal..."
Totally fake shot of Oz standing on the beach looking at a rainbow. And I believe they have used this clip more than once.
Tribal
Woody: yes, the reception was chilly at best. Jim was yelling the loudest.
Jim: I said immature things
Woody: I took it all. It was personal, to take control of my destiny. Drawing rocks is not the essence of Survivor.
Jim: We saved him 4 times. No one else out here needs his battles fought for him. He isn't loyal.
Brandon: Enough is enough! The smaller people don't need to take it anymore. We're all behind Woody.
Oz: When did I ever make Woody feel small? Um, are you kidding dude???
Woody: from the first you tried to get people to vote me out due to my size and perceived weakness.
Jim: I am powerful with immunity. I might give it to Oz and turn this all into a referendum on loyalty. (which is kind of ironic since he talked of getting rid of Oz once himself...)
Coach: Or it would turn it into a message that standing up for yourself gets you screwed.
Oz: If I go to redemption I'm gonna be eating and resting and getting ready to come back.
Time to vote. Jim, you keeping immunity? Uh, Yea.
Ozzy is voted off. Interestingly, and I had to go back and rewatch this, even Dawn and Whitney voted for Oz.
"You fell for my master plan..."
Oz is out at redemption doing the Jacque CuOzzy routine. He and Keith eat a bit old fish.
BANG, another challenge. Stand on a beam and balance a ball on a bow. OR.... take your chances and eat lots of sugary stuff.
Coach: " I want to compete...but we're family". Only Jim, Whitney and Dawn compete. The 7 get chowing down on sugar and caffeine.
Jim is out. Dawn "I'll stay as long as I can so you can eat". Woohoo, Dawn is awesome!
Dawn falters and Whitney wins immunity.
Albert starts his little brain spinning. "I think we were way too inclusive with Dawn. I want to nip this in the bud now".
Woody is strutting around camp in the Dragon Slaya's black jacket and the cowboy's hat. LOL. Meanwhile Jim tries to sell Sophie on some big plan. Yea, that's going nowhere. Albert tells Sophie about his better plan to get rid of Dawn first. Sophie, who is perhaps the smartest person playing this game, says, "yea, it's Jim dude".
Coach: Is it gonna be charging Rhino Jim or serpent like Dawn??
Tribal-dark blue.
Is it fair to assume it's Jim or Dawn? Yes.
Albert: Dawn's tough and likable.
Dawn :This is what we would have done had we won. But it was hard for me to watch them eat.
Brandon. Hold on!! You told us to eat!! I am not buying this at all. They are being nice because they have to be.
Dawn: I genuinely want to get to know you...
Brandon: We're not going to stop until they are all gone.
Whitney: I feel all vilified. Boohoooooooo. They don't accept us as real people, just bullies. I when the shoe is on the other foot!!
Brandon: It's hard to see her sit there and cry but we were excluded and mocked until we got power.
Vote. 3 for Edna, 6 for Jim, who is out. I can only imagine the trash talking gonna happen at redemption when these 3 tough men have to admit they were killed by a wimpy little man. Mwahahahahaha.
That return to camp after the big Woody finds his balls tribal council was a little chilly. Oz is right on his ass. "I want to talk to Woody alone". Woody "I didn't watch 11 seasons of Survivor for my fate to be decided by pulling stones out of a bag". Amen Woodman.
Brandon steps into the conversation. "I just want to check nobody's getting aggressive with him". Awwwww. He is kinda sweet for a stupid idiot. Oz "We're not gangsters... You stabbed me in the back and prevented me from taking you only so far before stabbing you in the back, damnit!" "That's how a wiener plays". Oh SNAP, I'm gonna have to use that one at the Sellmans next game night.
Whitney "You disgust me". Ah, shut up ya bitch who has been riding coattails the whole damn way. "I just lost 6 weeks of my life out here". What a bunch of wieners unable to deal with being in the middle or bottom.
Fortunately the whole Upola tribe is still embracing him.
Next morning. Coach "last night was cause for a little Tai Chi celebration. I gotta be humble to go the whole way". Coach asks Woody who is next? Woody: "Jim is the worst of them". I whole heartedly agree.
Oz "I have no strategy....wo is me..."
Challenge: 2 parts: toss coconuts into rings, then the first 4 get to crack coconuts, carry mouthfuls of juice through a maze and spit into a tube. I hate these whole spit things.
Part 1: Dawn, Whitney, Jim and Sophie move on. Oz is totally pissed. Can't stand not being the king.
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? In the middle of watching this on Demand my cable was totally 100% taken over by the Billy Graham Network. No FREAKING kidding you. I couldn't change the channel, couldn't do anything for about 5 minutes. WTF???
Ok, I got it back. God, that was totally scary. Second part of the challenge it comes down to Sophie and Jim, until Sophie pukes and Jim wins immunity. Then I puked.
Brandon "It's Ozzy".
Oz talks to Coach. "I don't want to go" "I appreciate this new humility. But it's too little too late".
Dawn starts working it. Gives Coach a pillow and a blanket. "I might have to flip".
Jim, Whitney and Oz are doing the group toilet thing sitting in 2 feet of water. Jim "Woody is a poor excuse for a man...maybe I will give Oz the immunity idol and make the point that only one of us so far has been disloyal..."
Totally fake shot of Oz standing on the beach looking at a rainbow. And I believe they have used this clip more than once.
Tribal
Woody: yes, the reception was chilly at best. Jim was yelling the loudest.
Jim: I said immature things
Woody: I took it all. It was personal, to take control of my destiny. Drawing rocks is not the essence of Survivor.
Jim: We saved him 4 times. No one else out here needs his battles fought for him. He isn't loyal.
Brandon: Enough is enough! The smaller people don't need to take it anymore. We're all behind Woody.
Oz: When did I ever make Woody feel small? Um, are you kidding dude???
Woody: from the first you tried to get people to vote me out due to my size and perceived weakness.
Jim: I am powerful with immunity. I might give it to Oz and turn this all into a referendum on loyalty. (which is kind of ironic since he talked of getting rid of Oz once himself...)
Coach: Or it would turn it into a message that standing up for yourself gets you screwed.
Oz: If I go to redemption I'm gonna be eating and resting and getting ready to come back.
Time to vote. Jim, you keeping immunity? Uh, Yea.
Ozzy is voted off. Interestingly, and I had to go back and rewatch this, even Dawn and Whitney voted for Oz.
"You fell for my master plan..."
Oz is out at redemption doing the Jacque CuOzzy routine. He and Keith eat a bit old fish.
BANG, another challenge. Stand on a beam and balance a ball on a bow. OR.... take your chances and eat lots of sugary stuff.
Coach: " I want to compete...but we're family". Only Jim, Whitney and Dawn compete. The 7 get chowing down on sugar and caffeine.
Jim is out. Dawn "I'll stay as long as I can so you can eat". Woohoo, Dawn is awesome!
Dawn falters and Whitney wins immunity.
Albert starts his little brain spinning. "I think we were way too inclusive with Dawn. I want to nip this in the bud now".
Woody is strutting around camp in the Dragon Slaya's black jacket and the cowboy's hat. LOL. Meanwhile Jim tries to sell Sophie on some big plan. Yea, that's going nowhere. Albert tells Sophie about his better plan to get rid of Dawn first. Sophie, who is perhaps the smartest person playing this game, says, "yea, it's Jim dude".
Coach: Is it gonna be charging Rhino Jim or serpent like Dawn??
Tribal-dark blue.
Is it fair to assume it's Jim or Dawn? Yes.
Albert: Dawn's tough and likable.
Dawn :This is what we would have done had we won. But it was hard for me to watch them eat.
Brandon. Hold on!! You told us to eat!! I am not buying this at all. They are being nice because they have to be.
Dawn: I genuinely want to get to know you...
Brandon: We're not going to stop until they are all gone.
Whitney: I feel all vilified. Boohoooooooo. They don't accept us as real people, just bullies. I when the shoe is on the other foot!!
Brandon: It's hard to see her sit there and cry but we were excluded and mocked until we got power.
Vote. 3 for Edna, 6 for Jim, who is out. I can only imagine the trash talking gonna happen at redemption when these 3 tough men have to admit they were killed by a wimpy little man. Mwahahahahaha.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Survivor: Man Up Woodman!!
Awwww, it looks like someone's testicles have descended! And I don't just mean Justin Bieber! The Woodman grows up!
The tribe is sure the merge is right around the corner. Their plan is for Woody to become a double agent and get info from the other tribe.
Oz arrives at Redemption Island and wakes up Christine. She's surprised to see him and asks what happened? He tells her they voted someone out and he whipped out the idol. Guess who had it? Cochrain. Yep. She seems to buy the story.
Duel time, and everyone comes to watch. Woody is in his mastermind outfit: just the pink vest, without the pink shirt. Oz puts on a big act about getting hoodwinked and voted out. "It's now everyman for himself, I want to get back for revenge..." Yea, no academy award there.
It's the tie together sticks to make a pole, get 3 keys and unlock 3 locks. Winner comes back into the game. Christine builds a sucky pole and Oz kicks her ass.
Jeff announces the merge. And Woody goes to work. He sits with Coach and complains how they treat him. Coach: "yo, our tribe is tight and I'm pretty sure you guys are trying to play us. I've been made fun of all my life...wasn't always the dragon slaya, I know what it feels like." You basically have a choice, we go tribal and have a tie, and draw rocks or you could jump ship.
Woody tells the rest of the blue tribe what Oz did and what the master plan was. I'm supposed to be gathering information. He and Brandon talk and he tells him Kieth is the meanest. Oh, Woody also gives the idol back to Oz.
Dawn has another menopause moment and asks Woody what his plan is. She knows he's been treated badly and is afraid he's gonna jump ship. She cries. "I should have stood up for him earlier..." Leaves the door open of jumping ship as well.
Challenge: dark blue. It's a one man/one woman immunity up for grabs. They have to balance on a little thing and hold a coconut between 2 rods, with ropes. Hard to explain. OH, the new tribe is called Te Tuna which is some play on some stupid south pacific legend. Supposedly.
Dawn and Oz win immunity. Oz asks everyone, "we're still solid, right"? Uhuh. They decide to play the idol and increase their odds in the random draw. They decide to give it to Whitney, who I forget is even in this game.
Woody doesn't believe Survivor should be decided by choosing rocks. He talks to Sophie, who is a little worried whether or not he is telling the truth. He tells Coach, if I do bail, they are gonna tear me apart.
Dawn asks him again his plan. "You're starting a war". She's not flipping, she decides she likes her tribe and wants to stick with them. Woody "I want to control my own choices". Dawn doesn't want him to do it but she doesn't tell anyone.
Tribal
Coach: a tie vote? I guess so!
Oz: yep, with our tribe having both idols, the odds are on our side
Edna: can you see a scenario where it makes sense to flip??
Woody: What are the odds of 2 tribes remaining this unified?? I've never seen it Jeff.
Jim: there is no chance there is a flipper on our side
Albert: we know Oz was acting at the duel, but if they pull out an idol we'll know they were lying. (lol, I don't think Oz figured that one out)
Oz: I do have the idol, you're right. Oh, I mean WE have the idol.
Coach winks at Woody.
Vote. Oz gives Whitney the idol. First vote is a tie between Keith and Rick. They revote for only Rick or Kieth.
Keith is voted off to redemption island. Woody tells Oz, "I swapped, I'll explain later". Jim keeps calling him a coward. Brandon "don't talk to him that way. That's exactly why he flipped". Brandon and Woody walk off holding hands, and Brandon says, "stay close to me little man".
Gettin' good!!!
The tribe is sure the merge is right around the corner. Their plan is for Woody to become a double agent and get info from the other tribe.
Oz arrives at Redemption Island and wakes up Christine. She's surprised to see him and asks what happened? He tells her they voted someone out and he whipped out the idol. Guess who had it? Cochrain. Yep. She seems to buy the story.
Duel time, and everyone comes to watch. Woody is in his mastermind outfit: just the pink vest, without the pink shirt. Oz puts on a big act about getting hoodwinked and voted out. "It's now everyman for himself, I want to get back for revenge..." Yea, no academy award there.
It's the tie together sticks to make a pole, get 3 keys and unlock 3 locks. Winner comes back into the game. Christine builds a sucky pole and Oz kicks her ass.
Jeff announces the merge. And Woody goes to work. He sits with Coach and complains how they treat him. Coach: "yo, our tribe is tight and I'm pretty sure you guys are trying to play us. I've been made fun of all my life...wasn't always the dragon slaya, I know what it feels like." You basically have a choice, we go tribal and have a tie, and draw rocks or you could jump ship.
Woody tells the rest of the blue tribe what Oz did and what the master plan was. I'm supposed to be gathering information. He and Brandon talk and he tells him Kieth is the meanest. Oh, Woody also gives the idol back to Oz.
Dawn has another menopause moment and asks Woody what his plan is. She knows he's been treated badly and is afraid he's gonna jump ship. She cries. "I should have stood up for him earlier..." Leaves the door open of jumping ship as well.
Challenge: dark blue. It's a one man/one woman immunity up for grabs. They have to balance on a little thing and hold a coconut between 2 rods, with ropes. Hard to explain. OH, the new tribe is called Te Tuna which is some play on some stupid south pacific legend. Supposedly.
Dawn and Oz win immunity. Oz asks everyone, "we're still solid, right"? Uhuh. They decide to play the idol and increase their odds in the random draw. They decide to give it to Whitney, who I forget is even in this game.
Woody doesn't believe Survivor should be decided by choosing rocks. He talks to Sophie, who is a little worried whether or not he is telling the truth. He tells Coach, if I do bail, they are gonna tear me apart.
Dawn asks him again his plan. "You're starting a war". She's not flipping, she decides she likes her tribe and wants to stick with them. Woody "I want to control my own choices". Dawn doesn't want him to do it but she doesn't tell anyone.
Tribal
Coach: a tie vote? I guess so!
Oz: yep, with our tribe having both idols, the odds are on our side
Edna: can you see a scenario where it makes sense to flip??
Woody: What are the odds of 2 tribes remaining this unified?? I've never seen it Jeff.
Jim: there is no chance there is a flipper on our side
Albert: we know Oz was acting at the duel, but if they pull out an idol we'll know they were lying. (lol, I don't think Oz figured that one out)
Oz: I do have the idol, you're right. Oh, I mean WE have the idol.
Coach winks at Woody.
Vote. Oz gives Whitney the idol. First vote is a tie between Keith and Rick. They revote for only Rick or Kieth.
Keith is voted off to redemption island. Woody tells Oz, "I swapped, I'll explain later". Jim keeps calling him a coward. Brandon "don't talk to him that way. That's exactly why he flipped". Brandon and Woody walk off holding hands, and Brandon says, "stay close to me little man".
Gettin' good!!!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Survivor Prayer Meeting
Dear Heavenly Father,
I realize that you have just had your 7 billionth child, and many of them are National Geographically poor, and sick, and in pain, and some are even democrats, but if you wouldn't mind ignoring them all for the next 60 minutes, your poorly dressed and unwashed Upolu tribe needs your help in winning a challenge for a game called Survivor. Well, you probably knew that since you invented it through you shepherd, Mark Burnett. And I know he is your shepherd since you let him marry that chick from the Angel show. Anywhoo, even though I am lying to my tribe and hiding the idol in my pants, please help my team win today. If so, I can promise you, on your holy book, should one of us win the $1 million dollar prize, there will be an extra $20 in the plate for your son, Jesus' birthday. In the name of the father, and the of the son, and of Jeff Probst, Amen.
Ok, so I seriously felt like just letting that be the update this week, BUT all of the hullabaloo of this episode made me change my mind.
Coach and that cowboy/rancher dude who says like 2 things a week are discussing what a crazy MoFo Brandon is. And Coach goes all cowboy western quoting about sometimes you need to put a bullet in someone's head. But I'm pretty sure that was just a metaphor, because the liberal networks would NEVER allow a contestant to exercise their God given write to be armed to the teeth wherever they go.
Bang, right to the duel. It's Christine vs the temptress, Mikayla. The duel is to take apart a crate, use the pieces to build a bridge, run over the bridge and TAP THE TABLE, then run back, rip up the bridge and use the pieces to unscramble a puzzle. Albert is yelling help to Mikayla, even though Christine was also a tribe member. Apparently the red tribe is still completely clueless that Christine hates on the Upolo tribe.
Christine wins her 5th duel. Jeff: "You are becoming a legitimate force in this game". Christine: "I have always been a legitimate force, ya dumbass".
Back at the red tribe, Oz is thinking and talking about the upcoming merge. NOTE TO MARK BURNETT: if you really want to throw a new and creative wrench into the game? Don't do the merge when everyone expects it. Seriously, that would be way more interesting than Resurrection island. It might even be better than crucifixion island. But, shhhhh, I won't give next season away. Ozzie is wondering if it would be wise to send SOMEONE to RI to bump off Christine.
He tells this scheme to Woody. Now, Woody. Is his personal item sunscreen? Cause he is getting whiter by the minute. And, I just soooooo want to put a little green felt hat with a feather in it on his little head when he sits in his pink shirt and pink sweater west. It's ridiculous that his mom still dresses him. Ok, so Oz is telling his best friend Woody, ya know the dude whose name he has written down just about every time, about the get rid of Christine scheme. And Woody is trying not to piss himself with the excitement of how friggin stupid this idea is. "We need someone strong to take that old lady out...I would go, of course I'd have to give the idol to someone....and of course get it back...." hahaha "It's a big move but I might have to make it..."
Coach, coach, coach. He's out in the am doing his morning jujitsu routine. "I am not worthy father" Ain't that the truth! While he's doing his wipe on-wipe off routine, Survivor imposes a big giant yellow sun over him. LMAO. After prayer time, Coach calls everyone over. "We have to find the idol today in case of the merge". He, Albert and Sophie have decided to pretend to find it. So after lying to the tribe, Coach has them all pray for help in finding the idol. Yea, I threw up a little myself.
Brandon is sniffing around like a little dog. He and Tex are up and down all the trees on the beach. Sophie and Coach go into the woods (which I would make a sex crack about but Sophie is way way way too smart for this fool). They find tree mail, and decide to call everyone over and say, WOW IS THIS OUR LUCKY DAY! We found tree mail AND the idol. Brandon is running around yelling about how GREAT it is. "Coach and Sophie found it RIGHT AFTER WE PRAYED. GOD IS ON OUR SIDE". Ahem. Just another example of religion being manipulated if you ask me. Brandon is of course too friggin stupid to say, "hey where did you find it?? The clue said near the beach and I looked EVERYWHERE". Yep, too stupid.
The tree mail is all about twin warriors, and pairing up and painting their faces to match.
Challenge: They all come in in war paint, as twins including Brandon wearing a painted on bathing suit top to match his partner. Today's challenge is some kind of paired thing, with 3 callers and blindfolded people running around shit in the water. Wanna know what you're playing for? Eternal salvation?? No, that's next week. This week it's a 100% full on product placement whoredom reward. The winning tribe gets to go to the Survivor Cinema and watch Jack and Jill, a new Adam Sandler movie that probably sucks if it needs this much pushing.
Ok, so the challenge. Coach has Edna knock her head onto just about everything out there. "Duck, Edna".
Woody is either his usual incompetent, or trying to get them to lose and have Oz go to redemption. Not sure frankly. He can't get the ropes tied or untied right, and basically, they lose the challenge.
And, CHRIST, Coach has every one GET ON THEIR KNEES and thank the spaghetti monster. I'm thinking if Coach pulled this shit at a state run publicly financed school of learning he'd be shown the door. Well, unless it was in Texas.
They to to the movies. Yea, and eat. Coach is all family family family. I clearly needed more alcohol for this episode.
Oz is throwing another hissy fit. Kicking the walls and generally losing it. Woody things he's probably not gonna keep his plan and will be getting rid of the woodster. On their return, he tells Woody "you lost it for us". Woody's upset. Oz still wants to get rid of Woody, so he and Dawn are all, "you could totally beat Christine if you just believed in yourself". Seriously?? "It's time for you to redeem yourself". Quoting just about every BAD inspirational poster I have ever seen. Woody's all "Um, I just don't think I could pull off the I'm indestructible, you better be shakin' in your boots, stupid bitch". LOL. I love when he says bitch, I don't know why.
Fortunately for Woody, Oz has a dream about beating Christine. He goes out and gets the idol, and says "I want you all to vote me out". LOL, Jim is loving this! Keith doesn't think it's wise. "If the merge doesn't happen, we're screwed".
Let me take a moment to comment on something that I have left until WAY too late. Usually about now these men are looking all smelly and gross, and the thought of going out into the jungle with one of them is totally disgusting to me. HOWEVER.....and DO NOT TELL JEFF, but I would totally cougar on Keith and make him beg for mercy. Seriously, I'd go all Jane on that Tarzan until his loincloth burst into flames and he begged for help from the animals.
Ok. Tribal. Jeff's in blue but I'm still smoking a cigarette from Keith.
Oz, you showed a lot of emotion today, was there finger pointing? Yes, at Woody.
Woody: I panicked today.
Jim: Woody got frustrated and just threw his hands up.
Woody: Thank GOD I didn't crap myself.
Jeff: Does this happen a lot Woody? And do you sometimes ejaculate too early?? LOL
Dawn, how will redemption island help? If we beat Christine we have the numbers back for the merge
Oz, you plan is for someone from your tribe to beat her and return? How is Woody going to do that? With depends?? No, Jeff, I AM GOING TO DO IT. I had a dream for my own redemption
Jeff: Whaaaaaa???
Oz: We're gonna tell Christine Woody totally played me, that he's a mastermind.
Jeff: You left being an idiot last time....if you don't win the duel, you are gonna be the BIGGEST DOUCHE in Survivor history.....
Yep, they vote, Oz says, "oh I changed my mind......just kidding" and hands the idol to the mastermind. Good luck Christine!!!
I realize that you have just had your 7 billionth child, and many of them are National Geographically poor, and sick, and in pain, and some are even democrats, but if you wouldn't mind ignoring them all for the next 60 minutes, your poorly dressed and unwashed Upolu tribe needs your help in winning a challenge for a game called Survivor. Well, you probably knew that since you invented it through you shepherd, Mark Burnett. And I know he is your shepherd since you let him marry that chick from the Angel show. Anywhoo, even though I am lying to my tribe and hiding the idol in my pants, please help my team win today. If so, I can promise you, on your holy book, should one of us win the $1 million dollar prize, there will be an extra $20 in the plate for your son, Jesus' birthday. In the name of the father, and the of the son, and of Jeff Probst, Amen.
Ok, so I seriously felt like just letting that be the update this week, BUT all of the hullabaloo of this episode made me change my mind.
Coach and that cowboy/rancher dude who says like 2 things a week are discussing what a crazy MoFo Brandon is. And Coach goes all cowboy western quoting about sometimes you need to put a bullet in someone's head. But I'm pretty sure that was just a metaphor, because the liberal networks would NEVER allow a contestant to exercise their God given write to be armed to the teeth wherever they go.
Bang, right to the duel. It's Christine vs the temptress, Mikayla. The duel is to take apart a crate, use the pieces to build a bridge, run over the bridge and TAP THE TABLE, then run back, rip up the bridge and use the pieces to unscramble a puzzle. Albert is yelling help to Mikayla, even though Christine was also a tribe member. Apparently the red tribe is still completely clueless that Christine hates on the Upolo tribe.
Christine wins her 5th duel. Jeff: "You are becoming a legitimate force in this game". Christine: "I have always been a legitimate force, ya dumbass".
Back at the red tribe, Oz is thinking and talking about the upcoming merge. NOTE TO MARK BURNETT: if you really want to throw a new and creative wrench into the game? Don't do the merge when everyone expects it. Seriously, that would be way more interesting than Resurrection island. It might even be better than crucifixion island. But, shhhhh, I won't give next season away. Ozzie is wondering if it would be wise to send SOMEONE to RI to bump off Christine.
He tells this scheme to Woody. Now, Woody. Is his personal item sunscreen? Cause he is getting whiter by the minute. And, I just soooooo want to put a little green felt hat with a feather in it on his little head when he sits in his pink shirt and pink sweater west. It's ridiculous that his mom still dresses him. Ok, so Oz is telling his best friend Woody, ya know the dude whose name he has written down just about every time, about the get rid of Christine scheme. And Woody is trying not to piss himself with the excitement of how friggin stupid this idea is. "We need someone strong to take that old lady out...I would go, of course I'd have to give the idol to someone....and of course get it back...." hahaha "It's a big move but I might have to make it..."
Coach, coach, coach. He's out in the am doing his morning jujitsu routine. "I am not worthy father" Ain't that the truth! While he's doing his wipe on-wipe off routine, Survivor imposes a big giant yellow sun over him. LMAO. After prayer time, Coach calls everyone over. "We have to find the idol today in case of the merge". He, Albert and Sophie have decided to pretend to find it. So after lying to the tribe, Coach has them all pray for help in finding the idol. Yea, I threw up a little myself.
Brandon is sniffing around like a little dog. He and Tex are up and down all the trees on the beach. Sophie and Coach go into the woods (which I would make a sex crack about but Sophie is way way way too smart for this fool). They find tree mail, and decide to call everyone over and say, WOW IS THIS OUR LUCKY DAY! We found tree mail AND the idol. Brandon is running around yelling about how GREAT it is. "Coach and Sophie found it RIGHT AFTER WE PRAYED. GOD IS ON OUR SIDE". Ahem. Just another example of religion being manipulated if you ask me. Brandon is of course too friggin stupid to say, "hey where did you find it?? The clue said near the beach and I looked EVERYWHERE". Yep, too stupid.
The tree mail is all about twin warriors, and pairing up and painting their faces to match.
Challenge: They all come in in war paint, as twins including Brandon wearing a painted on bathing suit top to match his partner. Today's challenge is some kind of paired thing, with 3 callers and blindfolded people running around shit in the water. Wanna know what you're playing for? Eternal salvation?? No, that's next week. This week it's a 100% full on product placement whoredom reward. The winning tribe gets to go to the Survivor Cinema and watch Jack and Jill, a new Adam Sandler movie that probably sucks if it needs this much pushing.
Ok, so the challenge. Coach has Edna knock her head onto just about everything out there. "Duck, Edna".
Woody is either his usual incompetent, or trying to get them to lose and have Oz go to redemption. Not sure frankly. He can't get the ropes tied or untied right, and basically, they lose the challenge.
And, CHRIST, Coach has every one GET ON THEIR KNEES and thank the spaghetti monster. I'm thinking if Coach pulled this shit at a state run publicly financed school of learning he'd be shown the door. Well, unless it was in Texas.
They to to the movies. Yea, and eat. Coach is all family family family. I clearly needed more alcohol for this episode.
Oz is throwing another hissy fit. Kicking the walls and generally losing it. Woody things he's probably not gonna keep his plan and will be getting rid of the woodster. On their return, he tells Woody "you lost it for us". Woody's upset. Oz still wants to get rid of Woody, so he and Dawn are all, "you could totally beat Christine if you just believed in yourself". Seriously?? "It's time for you to redeem yourself". Quoting just about every BAD inspirational poster I have ever seen. Woody's all "Um, I just don't think I could pull off the I'm indestructible, you better be shakin' in your boots, stupid bitch". LOL. I love when he says bitch, I don't know why.
Fortunately for Woody, Oz has a dream about beating Christine. He goes out and gets the idol, and says "I want you all to vote me out". LOL, Jim is loving this! Keith doesn't think it's wise. "If the merge doesn't happen, we're screwed".
Let me take a moment to comment on something that I have left until WAY too late. Usually about now these men are looking all smelly and gross, and the thought of going out into the jungle with one of them is totally disgusting to me. HOWEVER.....and DO NOT TELL JEFF, but I would totally cougar on Keith and make him beg for mercy. Seriously, I'd go all Jane on that Tarzan until his loincloth burst into flames and he begged for help from the animals.
Ok. Tribal. Jeff's in blue but I'm still smoking a cigarette from Keith.
Oz, you showed a lot of emotion today, was there finger pointing? Yes, at Woody.
Woody: I panicked today.
Jim: Woody got frustrated and just threw his hands up.
Woody: Thank GOD I didn't crap myself.
Jeff: Does this happen a lot Woody? And do you sometimes ejaculate too early?? LOL
Dawn, how will redemption island help? If we beat Christine we have the numbers back for the merge
Oz, you plan is for someone from your tribe to beat her and return? How is Woody going to do that? With depends?? No, Jeff, I AM GOING TO DO IT. I had a dream for my own redemption
Jeff: Whaaaaaa???
Oz: We're gonna tell Christine Woody totally played me, that he's a mastermind.
Jeff: You left being an idiot last time....if you don't win the duel, you are gonna be the BIGGEST DOUCHE in Survivor history.....
Yep, they vote, Oz says, "oh I changed my mind......just kidding" and hands the idol to the mastermind. Good luck Christine!!!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
The Survivor Episode Comcast Didn't Want Me To See
Ok, first of all, for the record, this summary is late due to NO FAULT OF MY OWN. First my brother called during the episode last week. I know, I know, WHY DID I ANSWER THE PHONE??? Next, I tried to watch it on demand, and my cable went out for an hour. So I just finally got through it and.....my Dad called during the tally'n of the votes! And if you've been following my Dad drama on FB, I had to take the call :)
Sooooooooo, at the last minute, here's the update!
As we all remember, Oz's squeeze Elyse was voted off to Redemption last week, in an amazing blindside. Oz is PISSED. Like, seriously throw in the towel and forget I'm playing Survivor PISSED. He rants to Woody how blindsides are telling.... yea, rant to Woody who you've tried to get rid of every week. He announces to all that "I'm now a free agent playing for myself". Whitney tries to tell him it wasn't personal and he's all yelling. Dawn says, "give me a break, you hide stuff from us all the time". Oz "oh yea??? How's this for hiding stuff, I HAVE THE IDOL". LOL, epic fail.
OMG, he's a baby. All righteously indignant. Every one's griping about him. Jim is loving the hissy fit. "He's just gonna take his ball and go home". Well, he's gonna take his ball and sit in full view of everyone and do yoga on a rock. Woody has the final comment on the night "he really is behaving like a stupid bitch".
On blue, Coach is all crazy happy about finding the idol. He told Sophie and Albert but isn't telling Brandon. Brandon wakes up all after the clue like a rabid dog, running around sniffing for the clue which he of course being a Hanz finds in the tree trunk. Because that's where Hanz's hide all their valuables and illegal weapons. He shows Coach the clue, because he has a perverse need for approval, then he goes all bloodhound on the beach looking for the idol. It's really extreme insanity. Nobody now wants to tell him Coach has the idol because he's OBSESSED. Funny though, you'd have thought GOD would have given him the 411. Coach is getting a little freaked, having a Russell flashback.
Duel. It's Elyse vs bedraggled Christine. Sophie and Rich, and Oz and Keith are watching. Jeff: "Christine, redemption has become your home". Yes, unfortunately. "It's really hard, boohooo". Shaddup.
Today's challenge is....shuffleboard. C'mon, stop letting grampa design these challenges for god sake. Rick calls to Christine, "Come on, you can do it" and she gives him the finger.
OK, so it's shuffleboard. 'Nuf said. Even trying to make it look interesting, it's not. Christine wins and has to shuffle off to redemption. Rick and Sophie discuss that if she comes back into the game, she's gonna kill them all. Which is probably true.
Blue tribe. Rick and Sophie tell the tribe what a hag Christine has become. Not too many shocked faces.
Edna is still cozying up to Coach, who gets tingles down one leg whenever she's around. He calls her "my little friend out here". Yea, kinda strange. She tells him "we'd be a good, unsuspected team". He tells her not to worry, she's safe and Mikayla is the next to go. He asks her if she's "ready to follow him into battle". There is just something creepy about the whole thing.
On Red, Oz realizes what a douchebag he was and tells Keith he's willing to look past it. He then apologizes to the whole tribe. Jim is loving it. He's got no where to go without us.
Challenge: Race to assemble an IKEA wheelbarrow, drive it through a half assed maze and load it up with coconuts. Then reassemble the wheelbarrow into a slingshot and fire the coconuts at targets.
Wanna know what you're playing for? A trip to sliding rocks water slide, and lunch.
Oz and Dawn are trying to move the wheelbarrow in one of the most unmatched pairs I've ever seen. Blue gets a big lead. But then when it comes to shooting coconuts, Mikayla sucks it big time, HEY USE BOTH HANDS!!! Coach suggests to her over and over again to sit down and let Albert and him shoot the nuts but she refuses. Red of course wins immunity and a visit to wallyworld.
It's a giant Red tribe bonding experience. Nice lunch and then some play time. Even Woody, who is terrified of nature in general goes down the slide.
Blue. Albert wants to keep Mikayla and ditch Edna. He tells her this and tells her he can work on Coach. He makes the case to the others for Edna going. She's too smart and too weak to keep. Everyone pretty much agrees.
Albert talks to Brandon. He now doesn't like Edna, doesn't like her face. Says she looks like she's trying to fool me. But he wants to be a radical for God (aka terrorist??) so he's gonna stick with Edna because they once had an alliance and get rid of Mikayla. Who apparently doesn't give him the hards anymore.
Albert talks to Coach. It's Edna. Coach says no, because it's his fault that they lost the challenge. Mikayla refused to listen to him and is therefore unloyal. Edna would have done what she was told.
Coach talks to Rick. There's railroading going on. Edna will do what she's told. It's basically all in Rick's hands.
Tribal.
It's BORING. All back and forth about strength and loyalty. Is it better to use strength to get to the merge with numbers, or be certain of loyalty when you get to the merge? HEY, IS IT BETTER TO GET TO THE MERGE WITH A RADICAL FOR GOD??? They never listen when I yell at the screen.
Brandon pipes up, "I don't get this. We already agreed that Edna is our 6th person. Vote me out today if we're not gonna stick with loyalty". DO IT DO IT DO IT!!!! "If it's not about loyalty, then you can just throw that million dollars in the fire". Which tells me Brandon is playing a much different, more psychologically insane game than Survivor.
Coach: you can be too honest in this game...
Brandon :You can't tell a half lie, you can's smoke half a cigarette (well, actually you can), you can't have a little lasciviousness. THE WORLD IS BLACK AND WHITE.
Time to vote!
Edna 3, Mikalya 5. Christine, some competition is coming your way!
Sooooooooo, at the last minute, here's the update!
As we all remember, Oz's squeeze Elyse was voted off to Redemption last week, in an amazing blindside. Oz is PISSED. Like, seriously throw in the towel and forget I'm playing Survivor PISSED. He rants to Woody how blindsides are telling.... yea, rant to Woody who you've tried to get rid of every week. He announces to all that "I'm now a free agent playing for myself". Whitney tries to tell him it wasn't personal and he's all yelling. Dawn says, "give me a break, you hide stuff from us all the time". Oz "oh yea??? How's this for hiding stuff, I HAVE THE IDOL". LOL, epic fail.
OMG, he's a baby. All righteously indignant. Every one's griping about him. Jim is loving the hissy fit. "He's just gonna take his ball and go home". Well, he's gonna take his ball and sit in full view of everyone and do yoga on a rock. Woody has the final comment on the night "he really is behaving like a stupid bitch".
On blue, Coach is all crazy happy about finding the idol. He told Sophie and Albert but isn't telling Brandon. Brandon wakes up all after the clue like a rabid dog, running around sniffing for the clue which he of course being a Hanz finds in the tree trunk. Because that's where Hanz's hide all their valuables and illegal weapons. He shows Coach the clue, because he has a perverse need for approval, then he goes all bloodhound on the beach looking for the idol. It's really extreme insanity. Nobody now wants to tell him Coach has the idol because he's OBSESSED. Funny though, you'd have thought GOD would have given him the 411. Coach is getting a little freaked, having a Russell flashback.
Duel. It's Elyse vs bedraggled Christine. Sophie and Rich, and Oz and Keith are watching. Jeff: "Christine, redemption has become your home". Yes, unfortunately. "It's really hard, boohooo". Shaddup.
Today's challenge is....shuffleboard. C'mon, stop letting grampa design these challenges for god sake. Rick calls to Christine, "Come on, you can do it" and she gives him the finger.
OK, so it's shuffleboard. 'Nuf said. Even trying to make it look interesting, it's not. Christine wins and has to shuffle off to redemption. Rick and Sophie discuss that if she comes back into the game, she's gonna kill them all. Which is probably true.
Blue tribe. Rick and Sophie tell the tribe what a hag Christine has become. Not too many shocked faces.
Edna is still cozying up to Coach, who gets tingles down one leg whenever she's around. He calls her "my little friend out here". Yea, kinda strange. She tells him "we'd be a good, unsuspected team". He tells her not to worry, she's safe and Mikayla is the next to go. He asks her if she's "ready to follow him into battle". There is just something creepy about the whole thing.
On Red, Oz realizes what a douchebag he was and tells Keith he's willing to look past it. He then apologizes to the whole tribe. Jim is loving it. He's got no where to go without us.
Challenge: Race to assemble an IKEA wheelbarrow, drive it through a half assed maze and load it up with coconuts. Then reassemble the wheelbarrow into a slingshot and fire the coconuts at targets.
Wanna know what you're playing for? A trip to sliding rocks water slide, and lunch.
Oz and Dawn are trying to move the wheelbarrow in one of the most unmatched pairs I've ever seen. Blue gets a big lead. But then when it comes to shooting coconuts, Mikayla sucks it big time, HEY USE BOTH HANDS!!! Coach suggests to her over and over again to sit down and let Albert and him shoot the nuts but she refuses. Red of course wins immunity and a visit to wallyworld.
It's a giant Red tribe bonding experience. Nice lunch and then some play time. Even Woody, who is terrified of nature in general goes down the slide.
Blue. Albert wants to keep Mikayla and ditch Edna. He tells her this and tells her he can work on Coach. He makes the case to the others for Edna going. She's too smart and too weak to keep. Everyone pretty much agrees.
Albert talks to Brandon. He now doesn't like Edna, doesn't like her face. Says she looks like she's trying to fool me. But he wants to be a radical for God (aka terrorist??) so he's gonna stick with Edna because they once had an alliance and get rid of Mikayla. Who apparently doesn't give him the hards anymore.
Albert talks to Coach. It's Edna. Coach says no, because it's his fault that they lost the challenge. Mikayla refused to listen to him and is therefore unloyal. Edna would have done what she was told.
Coach talks to Rick. There's railroading going on. Edna will do what she's told. It's basically all in Rick's hands.
Tribal.
It's BORING. All back and forth about strength and loyalty. Is it better to use strength to get to the merge with numbers, or be certain of loyalty when you get to the merge? HEY, IS IT BETTER TO GET TO THE MERGE WITH A RADICAL FOR GOD??? They never listen when I yell at the screen.
Brandon pipes up, "I don't get this. We already agreed that Edna is our 6th person. Vote me out today if we're not gonna stick with loyalty". DO IT DO IT DO IT!!!! "If it's not about loyalty, then you can just throw that million dollars in the fire". Which tells me Brandon is playing a much different, more psychologically insane game than Survivor.
Coach: you can be too honest in this game...
Brandon :You can't tell a half lie, you can's smoke half a cigarette (well, actually you can), you can't have a little lasciviousness. THE WORLD IS BLACK AND WHITE.
Time to vote!
Edna 3, Mikalya 5. Christine, some competition is coming your way!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Survivor Blindside!!
Word. I walked 60 miles in 3 days, but the hardest thing I have done in the past week was to RE WATCH that disgusting meat eating challenge so I could blog it for you guys.
Ok. So, Christine and Stacey meet up for a good old bitch session at Redemption Island. Coach is running things...."It ain't hunky dorey at camp". Stacey wants to take coach down.
Blue camp. Brandon is crying (literally) about Mikayla saying the most annoying thing about him is his uncle. She's "clearly prejudiced against Hanz's". Hmmm, maybe because your uncle truly is an evil person?? And, even you say sometimes you want to be different from him, and reclaim the family name but when someone else comments on what an ahole he is, you go all wussy and stand with him and defend him?? GOD I wish there was a whole other reality show where we could watch Russell watch his nephew on Survivor. Because I think Russell would think Brandon is a damn pussy.
Redemption duel. Mikayla and Albert attend, as do Dawn and I think Whitney? Some blonde chick. BANG, right outta the gate Stacey is spewing it. "those 2 are liars...it wasn't a team. Benjamin is making all the decisions" On and on. She refuses to call him Coach. The red team is just soaking it up.
Duel is to drop balls into chutes, pick them up when the come out the other end and repeat. Adding balls when told to. Stacey is just too consumed with meanness to pay attention to spacing the balls or basically anything else. Man, she must be one MEAN ASS mortician. And even though Christine bobbles the balls a couple of times, Stacey drops one and is out.
Back at camp, Albert tells Coach all that Stacey said. He apparently has an issue with being called Benjamin! Who knew!! He's pretty pissed that the other tribe was given all this info. "Can this day get any worse??"
On the red tribe, Oz and Elyse are basically dry humping each other, in the hammock and in the bed. She says they are pals. Uhuh. Woody is just the little worker bee. He's also annoyed with Oz and Elyse lying in bed all day.
Dawn and that other girl return from the duel. They tell everyone what they heard, that Coach is running the show, that he and Albert are aligned. Oz says "if he's smart, he'll get rid of Albert". Jim's like, "oh no you didn't just say that"! He thinks Oz just revealed his strategy.
On blue, Albert is looking for the clue, and finds it. He goes looking for the idol but can't find it. He shares the clue with Coach and Sophie. Coach goes looking for it and finds it. He's almost giddy with excitement.
Red: Oz and Woody go fishing. Woody says he has no skills or confidence. Oz is a great fisherman. He's also a manipulator "I feel like they are all becoming my tribe..." Famous last words! Woody says that this Oz is the middle aged Ozzie. He gets fish but he's really a lazy ass, arrogant fisherman. No love lost there!
And, then it's the challenge. Which, if you saw it, you don't need a replay. And if you didn't see it? Be utterly thankful. Disgusting. 2 roasted pigs are hanging, teams have their hands tied behind their backs and have to bit off chunks of pig and then spit them into baskets. They win immunity and spices, veggies and bread.
I'm not even gonna comment on the people helping each other get the meat out of their teeth. Ugh.
Bottom line, the blue tribe wins the challenge by 2 oz. OMFG, they also get to take the spit out meat back to camp and eat it. Bad, bad, bad, bad.
Red tribe. Woody announces they are all probably gonna get oral herpes from the challenge. LOL. He's like 99% of people have it anyway... He then offers to open coconuts for the team, while Oz lays on his ass with Elyse watching. "Woody's putting on a display of working hard, but he's gone".
Dawn wants to break up Oz and Elyse. Jim still needs another vote. He goes and talks to Keith about Oz's comment regarding getting rid of Albert. Keith is all up for getting rid of Elyse but is afraid Oz will hold it against them if they blindside him.
Keith talks to Whitney. She is also afraid of messing things up with Oz.
Tribal:
Oz: Where are we? We're far from the merge so it's all about strength now.
Elyse: We're strong across the board
Woody: The novelty of tribal has worn off for me.
Jim: Nobody lost the challenge for us. We all could have gotten more food. Lots of injuries though
Jeff: Injuries?? Does legal know?? Cuts, gums, chipped teeth, dislocated jaws...
Dawn: Woody is endearing and I'm learning to be more tolerant of him
Keith: I thought Woody mentioning oral herpes was gross and not funny
Elyse: I feel sorry for Woody
Woody: I know I have quirks but I do think that I am likable.
Elyse: Is it gonna be hard to vote Woody off? He'll appreciate the experience. LOL.
Time to vote and tally. Woody, 2 votes. Dawn, 2 votes (which explains Keith and Whitney), and Elyse is voted off with 3 votes. Bwahahahahaha. Oz looks shocked. Should be good tonight!!!
Ok. So, Christine and Stacey meet up for a good old bitch session at Redemption Island. Coach is running things...."It ain't hunky dorey at camp". Stacey wants to take coach down.
Blue camp. Brandon is crying (literally) about Mikayla saying the most annoying thing about him is his uncle. She's "clearly prejudiced against Hanz's". Hmmm, maybe because your uncle truly is an evil person?? And, even you say sometimes you want to be different from him, and reclaim the family name but when someone else comments on what an ahole he is, you go all wussy and stand with him and defend him?? GOD I wish there was a whole other reality show where we could watch Russell watch his nephew on Survivor. Because I think Russell would think Brandon is a damn pussy.
Redemption duel. Mikayla and Albert attend, as do Dawn and I think Whitney? Some blonde chick. BANG, right outta the gate Stacey is spewing it. "those 2 are liars...it wasn't a team. Benjamin is making all the decisions" On and on. She refuses to call him Coach. The red team is just soaking it up.
Duel is to drop balls into chutes, pick them up when the come out the other end and repeat. Adding balls when told to. Stacey is just too consumed with meanness to pay attention to spacing the balls or basically anything else. Man, she must be one MEAN ASS mortician. And even though Christine bobbles the balls a couple of times, Stacey drops one and is out.
Back at camp, Albert tells Coach all that Stacey said. He apparently has an issue with being called Benjamin! Who knew!! He's pretty pissed that the other tribe was given all this info. "Can this day get any worse??"
On the red tribe, Oz and Elyse are basically dry humping each other, in the hammock and in the bed. She says they are pals. Uhuh. Woody is just the little worker bee. He's also annoyed with Oz and Elyse lying in bed all day.
Dawn and that other girl return from the duel. They tell everyone what they heard, that Coach is running the show, that he and Albert are aligned. Oz says "if he's smart, he'll get rid of Albert". Jim's like, "oh no you didn't just say that"! He thinks Oz just revealed his strategy.
On blue, Albert is looking for the clue, and finds it. He goes looking for the idol but can't find it. He shares the clue with Coach and Sophie. Coach goes looking for it and finds it. He's almost giddy with excitement.
Red: Oz and Woody go fishing. Woody says he has no skills or confidence. Oz is a great fisherman. He's also a manipulator "I feel like they are all becoming my tribe..." Famous last words! Woody says that this Oz is the middle aged Ozzie. He gets fish but he's really a lazy ass, arrogant fisherman. No love lost there!
And, then it's the challenge. Which, if you saw it, you don't need a replay. And if you didn't see it? Be utterly thankful. Disgusting. 2 roasted pigs are hanging, teams have their hands tied behind their backs and have to bit off chunks of pig and then spit them into baskets. They win immunity and spices, veggies and bread.
I'm not even gonna comment on the people helping each other get the meat out of their teeth. Ugh.
Bottom line, the blue tribe wins the challenge by 2 oz. OMFG, they also get to take the spit out meat back to camp and eat it. Bad, bad, bad, bad.
Red tribe. Woody announces they are all probably gonna get oral herpes from the challenge. LOL. He's like 99% of people have it anyway... He then offers to open coconuts for the team, while Oz lays on his ass with Elyse watching. "Woody's putting on a display of working hard, but he's gone".
Dawn wants to break up Oz and Elyse. Jim still needs another vote. He goes and talks to Keith about Oz's comment regarding getting rid of Albert. Keith is all up for getting rid of Elyse but is afraid Oz will hold it against them if they blindside him.
Keith talks to Whitney. She is also afraid of messing things up with Oz.
Tribal:
Oz: Where are we? We're far from the merge so it's all about strength now.
Elyse: We're strong across the board
Woody: The novelty of tribal has worn off for me.
Jim: Nobody lost the challenge for us. We all could have gotten more food. Lots of injuries though
Jeff: Injuries?? Does legal know?? Cuts, gums, chipped teeth, dislocated jaws...
Dawn: Woody is endearing and I'm learning to be more tolerant of him
Keith: I thought Woody mentioning oral herpes was gross and not funny
Elyse: I feel sorry for Woody
Woody: I know I have quirks but I do think that I am likable.
Elyse: Is it gonna be hard to vote Woody off? He'll appreciate the experience. LOL.
Time to vote and tally. Woody, 2 votes. Dawn, 2 votes (which explains Keith and Whitney), and Elyse is voted off with 3 votes. Bwahahahahaha. Oz looks shocked. Should be good tonight!!!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Survivor: God Must Be Proud.
If it's Tuesday, it must be time for me to feverishly write up the Survivor blog! Because, you know, God wants me to.
So, right up at Savaii, Ozzie and Elyse are snuggling up in a hammock. Smart strategy. Jim sees it and is worried they are getting too friendly. He runs through the jungle yelling "ROB AND AMBER, ROB AND AMBER" at the top of his lungs, straight up to the main strategizer, Woody. Yo, Wood, Elyse is a variable we can't control. She should go. And, wow, IT WOULD BE A BIG MOVE IN SURVIVOR HISTORY. That, in a nutshell is what Woody's whole life has been leading up to, and no doubt why GOD put him on this earth. They shake.
Upolu. Brandon, dude that Hanz family needs to be banned for life from reality TV shows. "This game is all jacked up on Mountain Dew". Ok, he didn't say that but name the movie it's from. "This game is all jacked up with emotion! My pride got to me!" That and the apparently 7 voices in my head at all times. "I shouldna did that". (LOL I have been walking around saying that all week) He goes AGAIN to apologize to Mikayla. She's all, "What a freaking fool. Think before you do something stupid! But look who his uncle is... (literally, followed by a clip of swimming sharks).
Brandon now goes to Edna and tells her he can't lie anymore, there's a core alliance between 5 people not 6, and you are not in it. She's upset. However, unless they didn't show it, at NO TIME does she confront Coach.
Now, I'm not a doctor, although I play one in my own medicine cabinet, but I have heard if you keep a chronic masturbator from wacking off hourly, you get this kind of Brandon-esque behavior. 'S true. You can google chronic masturbation. Preferably from your work computer...LOL.
Savaii: Tree mail. Who wants to go to the 2 PERSON DUEL. Woody wants to go. Who else? Crickets..... Jim says he'll go but he's worried about being too close to the Wood.
They finally get bathing suits. Dawn is happy because she hasn't gone swimming in her underwear because she is a mormon. Well, that just disqualified her from being president of the United States. She's also 40. 40..Forty...Four-Oh. Forty. So she thinks she's the Rudy of the tribe. Rudy, who was like 65 years old.
Before he leaves Jim starts to go on about maybe the tribe should pretend they are weak so that the other tribe starts to think they are weak... and Ozzy starts getting annoyed. "Chill out Bro!" Afterwards, Oz says no strategizing. And Dawn thinks, hmmmm, that's be cause he already strategized without me.
Duel: Christine vs Papa Bear. Papa seeing Wood and Jim "doesn't bother me in the least". Also attending are Brandon and Edna. Brandon has to apologize to her, and says he came clean to everyone else (about the Hanz thing, not the wanking thing), and he want to come clean to her. She accepts it but doesn't buy it.
It's the sandbag toss on the wooden crate challenge. Didn't we just see this??
Papa sucks it, Christine gets a really good lead, blows it, Papa comes on strong, it's tie, it's not, it's tie, it's not, it's tied at 9.....Christine wins! Papa bear rambles on how this has all been a dream.
Upolu: Edna thinks she needs to be cautious and polite. But she goes off trying to be just plain annoying as shit. Just laughing, asking a bazillion questions, even agreeing to walk on Coach's back . Stacey is annoyed.
Which finally brings me to Stacey. Ahhhhhhhhhh. Stacey is one mofo hard ass. Seriously, she reminds me of one of the women on Women of Cell Block H. Like the mean one everyone was afraid of.
Savaii: Woody talks to Dawn about when they were off the camp. Any strategizing? Dawn, "nope". Woody, "we should do something..." Dawn wants Oz to go but would agree to Elyse too.
Challenge, light blue.
3 people from each tribe, 2 men 1 woman, have to hold a pole on their shoulders while the other tribe decides which person gets weight added to their poles. Wanna know what you're playing for? Chickens (1 rooster and 2 hens, which I hear are known as chickens)
Savaii: Keith, Jim and Dawn
Upolu: Brandon, Albert and Stacey
After 26 minutes, Brandon and Jim both have 200 lbs, Keith and Albert have 180 and the ladies (and I use that term loosly) each have 100. Keith is the first out at 180. Apparently 220 lbs is a Survivor record, and Brandon and Jim are about to tie it. But first, Albert falls over. So he's out. 240 lbs, a new record, and Jim then Brandon both are out. It comes down to Dawn and Stacey. BTW, I just checked. Stacey is 44 years old. But she shuts the hell up about it.
Stacey has the pole sitting on her butt. So she's good for hours. Dawn is struggling, and ultimately shifts the pole down her back as well. It's 44 vs 40...struggling....struggling..... But Dawn wins!! Everyone is really happy for her! Well, except Stacey...
Back at Upulu, Coach is saying all nice things about how great Stacey did, and how they just need to let it go and move on, and Stacey's all like, "screw you!!!" Such a charmer. Edna's all worried. She asks Stacey if she should pack her stuff. After a long pause Stacey says, "Girl, you ain't talked to me for days, I don't know what you should do".
Coach talks to Stacey. "Where do I stand". "I'm not gonna lie to you, it's between Edna and you". Stacey:" Well, I might not walk on your back but I do pull my weight..." Stacey leaves then runs into Brandon..."you better watch out, Mikayla, Sophie and Albert are talking..."
Brandon runs right to Coach and says, "well we got us another problem". "AGAIN???" Brandon starts telling him what Stacey said and Coach loses it. STOP IT!! You're listening to someone on death row over your alliance. This game is gonna get a lot worse so you gotta stop taking everything as fact". COACH, WAKE THE HELL UP!!!!
Sophie "I gotta reshuffle some stuff. Brandon is a mini Russell Hanz (which is redundant in itself)." Coach..."he could ruin us all...I'm here for the 3rd AND POSSIBLY FINAL time (god lets hope so), and I can't trust him.
Tribal, dark blue of course.
Stacey, I held on as long as I could
Coach, is it a good news/bad news being the one that held on but ultimately lost it? Nope, Stacey wasn't on the fence today, she pulled her weight.
Sophie: Strength is defined by numbers and by physical strength in this game. So if you come down to the merge with the numbers, but with people you can't trust, that's not safe.
Jeff "let's try some group therapy"
Rick, what is most annoying about Albert? HUH? I'm just sitting here trying to get away without ever talking. "I guess his snoring"
Brandon, what's most annoying about Edna? She talks A LOT
Edna-does that ring true? Nope
Edna, what's annoying about Stacey? It's difficult to engage her.
Stacey-true? "What this asian white girl want from me? I open up when I need to and when I want to".
Mikayla, what's annoying about Brandon..."Who his uncle is..." Jeff, who is his uncle? Russell Hanz. "oh you told them??"
Mikayla, blood's blood.
Brandon (cue the harp) "I'm proud of being a Hanz. I love my uncle and he played well. Sometimes we fight the temptation...I wanna be someone God is proud of... (oh for crap sake...was he treated like Carrie as a child, locked in the dark closet with the creepy Jesus picture staring at him all day??) It all went down with my family when Russell went baaaaad. I don't wanna be baaaaad I wanna reclaim the family name. CrazyHanz.
Albert: trust is what tonight's vote is all about.
And, OF COURSE I'm all about thinking lil Hanz is going to redemption island, where Jesus IS NOT, but nooooooooooo.
Stacey is voted off. Coach wants everyone to hug her but she ain't having none of that!
So, right up at Savaii, Ozzie and Elyse are snuggling up in a hammock. Smart strategy. Jim sees it and is worried they are getting too friendly. He runs through the jungle yelling "ROB AND AMBER, ROB AND AMBER" at the top of his lungs, straight up to the main strategizer, Woody. Yo, Wood, Elyse is a variable we can't control. She should go. And, wow, IT WOULD BE A BIG MOVE IN SURVIVOR HISTORY. That, in a nutshell is what Woody's whole life has been leading up to, and no doubt why GOD put him on this earth. They shake.
Upolu. Brandon, dude that Hanz family needs to be banned for life from reality TV shows. "This game is all jacked up on Mountain Dew". Ok, he didn't say that but name the movie it's from. "This game is all jacked up with emotion! My pride got to me!" That and the apparently 7 voices in my head at all times. "I shouldna did that". (LOL I have been walking around saying that all week) He goes AGAIN to apologize to Mikayla. She's all, "What a freaking fool. Think before you do something stupid! But look who his uncle is... (literally, followed by a clip of swimming sharks).
Brandon now goes to Edna and tells her he can't lie anymore, there's a core alliance between 5 people not 6, and you are not in it. She's upset. However, unless they didn't show it, at NO TIME does she confront Coach.
Now, I'm not a doctor, although I play one in my own medicine cabinet, but I have heard if you keep a chronic masturbator from wacking off hourly, you get this kind of Brandon-esque behavior. 'S true. You can google chronic masturbation. Preferably from your work computer...LOL.
Savaii: Tree mail. Who wants to go to the 2 PERSON DUEL. Woody wants to go. Who else? Crickets..... Jim says he'll go but he's worried about being too close to the Wood.
They finally get bathing suits. Dawn is happy because she hasn't gone swimming in her underwear because she is a mormon. Well, that just disqualified her from being president of the United States. She's also 40. 40..Forty...Four-Oh. Forty. So she thinks she's the Rudy of the tribe. Rudy, who was like 65 years old.
Before he leaves Jim starts to go on about maybe the tribe should pretend they are weak so that the other tribe starts to think they are weak... and Ozzy starts getting annoyed. "Chill out Bro!" Afterwards, Oz says no strategizing. And Dawn thinks, hmmmm, that's be cause he already strategized without me.
Duel: Christine vs Papa Bear. Papa seeing Wood and Jim "doesn't bother me in the least". Also attending are Brandon and Edna. Brandon has to apologize to her, and says he came clean to everyone else (about the Hanz thing, not the wanking thing), and he want to come clean to her. She accepts it but doesn't buy it.
It's the sandbag toss on the wooden crate challenge. Didn't we just see this??
Papa sucks it, Christine gets a really good lead, blows it, Papa comes on strong, it's tie, it's not, it's tie, it's not, it's tied at 9.....Christine wins! Papa bear rambles on how this has all been a dream.
Upolu: Edna thinks she needs to be cautious and polite. But she goes off trying to be just plain annoying as shit. Just laughing, asking a bazillion questions, even agreeing to walk on Coach's back . Stacey is annoyed.
Which finally brings me to Stacey. Ahhhhhhhhhh. Stacey is one mofo hard ass. Seriously, she reminds me of one of the women on Women of Cell Block H. Like the mean one everyone was afraid of.
Savaii: Woody talks to Dawn about when they were off the camp. Any strategizing? Dawn, "nope". Woody, "we should do something..." Dawn wants Oz to go but would agree to Elyse too.
Challenge, light blue.
3 people from each tribe, 2 men 1 woman, have to hold a pole on their shoulders while the other tribe decides which person gets weight added to their poles. Wanna know what you're playing for? Chickens (1 rooster and 2 hens, which I hear are known as chickens)
Savaii: Keith, Jim and Dawn
Upolu: Brandon, Albert and Stacey
After 26 minutes, Brandon and Jim both have 200 lbs, Keith and Albert have 180 and the ladies (and I use that term loosly) each have 100. Keith is the first out at 180. Apparently 220 lbs is a Survivor record, and Brandon and Jim are about to tie it. But first, Albert falls over. So he's out. 240 lbs, a new record, and Jim then Brandon both are out. It comes down to Dawn and Stacey. BTW, I just checked. Stacey is 44 years old. But she shuts the hell up about it.
Stacey has the pole sitting on her butt. So she's good for hours. Dawn is struggling, and ultimately shifts the pole down her back as well. It's 44 vs 40...struggling....struggling..... But Dawn wins!! Everyone is really happy for her! Well, except Stacey...
Back at Upulu, Coach is saying all nice things about how great Stacey did, and how they just need to let it go and move on, and Stacey's all like, "screw you!!!" Such a charmer. Edna's all worried. She asks Stacey if she should pack her stuff. After a long pause Stacey says, "Girl, you ain't talked to me for days, I don't know what you should do".
Coach talks to Stacey. "Where do I stand". "I'm not gonna lie to you, it's between Edna and you". Stacey:" Well, I might not walk on your back but I do pull my weight..." Stacey leaves then runs into Brandon..."you better watch out, Mikayla, Sophie and Albert are talking..."
Brandon runs right to Coach and says, "well we got us another problem". "AGAIN???" Brandon starts telling him what Stacey said and Coach loses it. STOP IT!! You're listening to someone on death row over your alliance. This game is gonna get a lot worse so you gotta stop taking everything as fact". COACH, WAKE THE HELL UP!!!!
Sophie "I gotta reshuffle some stuff. Brandon is a mini Russell Hanz (which is redundant in itself)." Coach..."he could ruin us all...I'm here for the 3rd AND POSSIBLY FINAL time (god lets hope so), and I can't trust him.
Tribal, dark blue of course.
Stacey, I held on as long as I could
Coach, is it a good news/bad news being the one that held on but ultimately lost it? Nope, Stacey wasn't on the fence today, she pulled her weight.
Sophie: Strength is defined by numbers and by physical strength in this game. So if you come down to the merge with the numbers, but with people you can't trust, that's not safe.
Jeff "let's try some group therapy"
Rick, what is most annoying about Albert? HUH? I'm just sitting here trying to get away without ever talking. "I guess his snoring"
Brandon, what's most annoying about Edna? She talks A LOT
Edna-does that ring true? Nope
Edna, what's annoying about Stacey? It's difficult to engage her.
Stacey-true? "What this asian white girl want from me? I open up when I need to and when I want to".
Mikayla, what's annoying about Brandon..."Who his uncle is..." Jeff, who is his uncle? Russell Hanz. "oh you told them??"
Mikayla, blood's blood.
Brandon (cue the harp) "I'm proud of being a Hanz. I love my uncle and he played well. Sometimes we fight the temptation...I wanna be someone God is proud of... (oh for crap sake...was he treated like Carrie as a child, locked in the dark closet with the creepy Jesus picture staring at him all day??) It all went down with my family when Russell went baaaaad. I don't wanna be baaaaad I wanna reclaim the family name. CrazyHanz.
Albert: trust is what tonight's vote is all about.
And, OF COURSE I'm all about thinking lil Hanz is going to redemption island, where Jesus IS NOT, but nooooooooooo.
Stacey is voted off. Coach wants everyone to hug her but she ain't having none of that!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Survivor: The confession booth is open
Redemption island. Not a fan, personally... Christine meets Semhar. Semhar asks about Coach- "He's a big fat pain in the ass". LOL.
Upula tribe returns from tribal. Mikayla is pretty upset and can't figure out what she did to Brandon. She's talking to Coach and Brandon interrupts. Then he goes on his "I'm a christian and I'm guilty of lying" rant. Seriously, Thanksgiving at the Hanz family, Russell is gonna kick his junior ASS for this behavior.
Tree mail: send 2 people from each tribe to the redemption challenge. Coach asks to go, as does Stacey. Oz and Elise from the team that starts with an S.
Time for the Duel. Ugh, not that whole duel thing again! In come Semhar and Christine. Christine says Coach didn't like me from the very beginning. Semhar says Redemption is SCARY.
The duel is a balance challenge. Balance a wooden idol on poles, keep adding poles. Yea, we've seen it a million times. Ooooh, but what we haven't seen a million times is Semhar do her rap to calm down. "I would give birth to 10 of your children without any drugs...I can't wait to meet you". It is really long and really bad. And EVERYONE is laughing.
Duel is on. Semhar is moving all around. Strange. Jeff, god love him, just keeps blabbing away! Shut up!!!!! Finally Semhar loses and then gets all upset because she has abandonment issues. Jeff's like, um, you signed up for this game! Seriously, she's a wackadoo.
Back at Upula, Brandon is melting down. He's all upset because he's been lying. "I don't want to play games anymore". He calls everyone over and takes off his shirt, tells them he's Russell's nephew. "I'd rather make friends than win $1 million dollars.". Haha, the odds of either are pretty slim!
MIkayla things he's untrustworthy, and a nutter.
Brandon goes YET AGAIN on his I love GOD bullshit. He tells Coach he's sorry he didn't tell him in advance he was gonna do the big reveal. Coach "I commend you for being honest". Privately Coach thinks it was a big mistake. Brandon is still an asset, I trust him but not as much. C'mon Coach! The dude is nuts!!!
Oz's tribe. Papa Bear knows he, Dawn and Woody are all the weakest. He says he didn't bond with anyone. Oz says he and Keith are like bro's, he tells Keith about the idol, Keith immediately tells Whitney (who has a strange thing about pushing Keith in the hammock). They're both kinda pissed because it gives Oz even more power.
Mikayla confronts Brandon. Wants to know what his problem is, says he's sneaky. Do you want me out because you don't like me?? He stammers (what with being this close up to her and all) and basically blames her for her confrontational behavior. Says she's too aggressive. He YET AGAIN calls everyone over (ok, i'd get rid of him for that alone), goes on a rant and says he wants to be kept "out of the drama". hahahaha, he IS the damn drama!!
Sophie-"he's a total loose cannon!!" "He's torn between some effed up religious beliefs and inherent evil".
Brandon melts down once again. Seriously dude, Midol helps with PMS. He "failed", his daddy wants him to love God and be good. "I want to do good...Lord don't let me sin..." then he falls asleep in the sand. WHOA.
Coach is "concerned" about Brandon. Ya think Dragonslaya?? The tribe thinks he's like Russell, it's a different kind of aggression but it's still aggression.
Challenge (green)
1 person runs down a floating bridge while the rest of the team unwind rope attached to a boogie board. At the end, the person grabs a bag then rides the boogie board back in while the team winds it back in. The have to get 5 bags of banners. Next 2 team members are up on a platform, and they go fishing for the bags. Then unfurl the banners and SOLVE THE PUZZLE.
Looks like in addition to immunity they are playing for coffee and tea and stuff.
First up, Oz vs Brandon. Oz's team can't get the rope out and it gets all tangled up. Brandon is way ahead. Next up, Dawn and Albert. Dawn kicks ASS and makes up all the lost time. Oz vs Mikayla, followed by Dawn and Brandon. Dawn falls in the water and Brandon makes the time back up. Finally, Oz vs Albert, and it's close but Oz loses his board.
Coach and Edna vs Elise and Whitney go fishing. Coach kicks it, and the blue team wins immunity!
Red team: Papa Bear is the slowest. Oz says it's between Woody and Papa Bear. Nobody really cares which one goes first but they decide on Pap. Oz tells Woody it's Pap. Woody is upset he's always on the bottom. You'd think he's be used to it by now!
Oz tells Pap it's Woody, but Pap knows they are lying. He RUNS out into the woods to find the idol. Elyse sees him running, which is apparently quite unusual. She and Jim follow him and find him digging in the sand like a gopher. Pap can't find it so he makes a fake one, and returns to camp with a big smile and a big bulge in his shorts. Woody thinks he's faking it. Pap tells Jim he found it.
Tribal: dark blue :)
Woody: I'm trying to be more of an asset Jeff. Jeff: Are you always this defensive in life??
Pap: Woody is a physical threat to himself.
Woody: there are multiple levels of leaders in the tribe, but yea, OZ is in charge.
Pap: I'd usually be a leader, Jeff, but these 5 took over and I have nothing in common with them
Dawn: We don't have many things in common, but the leadership does shift as the day goes on.
Pap: You're delusional, Dawn, it's OK to admit you're on the outs
Jim: I think Dawn is right on.
Oz: Well yes, Jeff, I did leave the game before with an idol in my pocket, thanks for the reminder. An idol could change the game.
Woody: You have to weigh the pros and cons of searching and finding an idol. WTF??
They vote, and Papa Bear is off to Redemption.
Upula tribe returns from tribal. Mikayla is pretty upset and can't figure out what she did to Brandon. She's talking to Coach and Brandon interrupts. Then he goes on his "I'm a christian and I'm guilty of lying" rant. Seriously, Thanksgiving at the Hanz family, Russell is gonna kick his junior ASS for this behavior.
Tree mail: send 2 people from each tribe to the redemption challenge. Coach asks to go, as does Stacey. Oz and Elise from the team that starts with an S.
Time for the Duel. Ugh, not that whole duel thing again! In come Semhar and Christine. Christine says Coach didn't like me from the very beginning. Semhar says Redemption is SCARY.
The duel is a balance challenge. Balance a wooden idol on poles, keep adding poles. Yea, we've seen it a million times. Ooooh, but what we haven't seen a million times is Semhar do her rap to calm down. "I would give birth to 10 of your children without any drugs...I can't wait to meet you". It is really long and really bad. And EVERYONE is laughing.
Duel is on. Semhar is moving all around. Strange. Jeff, god love him, just keeps blabbing away! Shut up!!!!! Finally Semhar loses and then gets all upset because she has abandonment issues. Jeff's like, um, you signed up for this game! Seriously, she's a wackadoo.
Back at Upula, Brandon is melting down. He's all upset because he's been lying. "I don't want to play games anymore". He calls everyone over and takes off his shirt, tells them he's Russell's nephew. "I'd rather make friends than win $1 million dollars.". Haha, the odds of either are pretty slim!
MIkayla things he's untrustworthy, and a nutter.
Brandon goes YET AGAIN on his I love GOD bullshit. He tells Coach he's sorry he didn't tell him in advance he was gonna do the big reveal. Coach "I commend you for being honest". Privately Coach thinks it was a big mistake. Brandon is still an asset, I trust him but not as much. C'mon Coach! The dude is nuts!!!
Oz's tribe. Papa Bear knows he, Dawn and Woody are all the weakest. He says he didn't bond with anyone. Oz says he and Keith are like bro's, he tells Keith about the idol, Keith immediately tells Whitney (who has a strange thing about pushing Keith in the hammock). They're both kinda pissed because it gives Oz even more power.
Mikayla confronts Brandon. Wants to know what his problem is, says he's sneaky. Do you want me out because you don't like me?? He stammers (what with being this close up to her and all) and basically blames her for her confrontational behavior. Says she's too aggressive. He YET AGAIN calls everyone over (ok, i'd get rid of him for that alone), goes on a rant and says he wants to be kept "out of the drama". hahahaha, he IS the damn drama!!
Sophie-"he's a total loose cannon!!" "He's torn between some effed up religious beliefs and inherent evil".
Brandon melts down once again. Seriously dude, Midol helps with PMS. He "failed", his daddy wants him to love God and be good. "I want to do good...Lord don't let me sin..." then he falls asleep in the sand. WHOA.
Coach is "concerned" about Brandon. Ya think Dragonslaya?? The tribe thinks he's like Russell, it's a different kind of aggression but it's still aggression.
Challenge (green)
1 person runs down a floating bridge while the rest of the team unwind rope attached to a boogie board. At the end, the person grabs a bag then rides the boogie board back in while the team winds it back in. The have to get 5 bags of banners. Next 2 team members are up on a platform, and they go fishing for the bags. Then unfurl the banners and SOLVE THE PUZZLE.
Looks like in addition to immunity they are playing for coffee and tea and stuff.
First up, Oz vs Brandon. Oz's team can't get the rope out and it gets all tangled up. Brandon is way ahead. Next up, Dawn and Albert. Dawn kicks ASS and makes up all the lost time. Oz vs Mikayla, followed by Dawn and Brandon. Dawn falls in the water and Brandon makes the time back up. Finally, Oz vs Albert, and it's close but Oz loses his board.
Coach and Edna vs Elise and Whitney go fishing. Coach kicks it, and the blue team wins immunity!
Red team: Papa Bear is the slowest. Oz says it's between Woody and Papa Bear. Nobody really cares which one goes first but they decide on Pap. Oz tells Woody it's Pap. Woody is upset he's always on the bottom. You'd think he's be used to it by now!
Oz tells Pap it's Woody, but Pap knows they are lying. He RUNS out into the woods to find the idol. Elyse sees him running, which is apparently quite unusual. She and Jim follow him and find him digging in the sand like a gopher. Pap can't find it so he makes a fake one, and returns to camp with a big smile and a big bulge in his shorts. Woody thinks he's faking it. Pap tells Jim he found it.
Tribal: dark blue :)
Woody: I'm trying to be more of an asset Jeff. Jeff: Are you always this defensive in life??
Pap: Woody is a physical threat to himself.
Woody: there are multiple levels of leaders in the tribe, but yea, OZ is in charge.
Pap: I'd usually be a leader, Jeff, but these 5 took over and I have nothing in common with them
Dawn: We don't have many things in common, but the leadership does shift as the day goes on.
Pap: You're delusional, Dawn, it's OK to admit you're on the outs
Jim: I think Dawn is right on.
Oz: Well yes, Jeff, I did leave the game before with an idol in my pocket, thanks for the reminder. An idol could change the game.
Woody: You have to weigh the pros and cons of searching and finding an idol. WTF??
They vote, and Papa Bear is off to Redemption.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Survivor Week 2: He's a Creeper
Wow, what a full episode! I'm digging this season.
First up, Semhar is at redemption island. She apparenty has abandonment issues...she raps about it... yea, it's annoying as hell.
Woody knows he needs to stop being a total nerd and man up. Easier said than done I think. Oz and Keith are getting pretty chummy.
Coach has his alliance with Brandon, Sophie, Rick and Albert. But he's got the hots for Edna. She isn't in his alliance but he's "friends" with her. Hmmm. They discuss whether or not Christine has the idol. Decide Christine and Stacey are too tight.
Back to Woody, he's working it. Cutting those coconuts, over and over. Dude, learn a new trick! He says his mommy wouldn't like him using a machete. hahahahaha. I got $10 he still lives with her.
Ozzie goes idol hunting and bang, finds it. He is gonna be a strong force in this game.
OMG, so Brandon feels bad deceiving Coach about who his uncle is. They go for a walk and Brandon does some scripture quoting, which frankly gets up my ASS, then he tells him who he really is. Coach is floored. "I don't want to be played again". Coach decides to trust him for now. And then they hold hands and pray. For christ sake...
On red, the guys go fishing. Oz and Keith are already in an alliance but they let Jim think it's all his idea. FYI-Keith wears red underwear. You didn't really think I wasn't gonna comment on that, did you? They decide to include Elyse and Whitney.
Blue: Mikayla is a tough girl, who has no qualms stripping down to her underwear and getting shit done. Brandon is all nuts about her. Calls her Parvati, says she's using her seduction. Seriously, I expect him to start beating himself to stop his penis from tingling.
Christine is still looking for the idol, and freakishly she is the only one looking. Finds the clue but can't decide if she should share it with anyone.
Challenge time. Jeff is in light blue. The blue team arrives all eating pandara fruit, because the team that eats pandara stays together. Uhuh, they really said this.
Ok, it's a freaking may pole challenge. Skip around and unwrap ribbons to get keys, unlock the tribe mates and move crates in a giant puzzle. Wanna know what you're playing for? Immunity, plus pillows and blankets.
May pole, Woody is expectedly lame. Dawn's lame too. Blue goes into the puzzle with a big lead, and then blows it. Red wins.
Back at camp, Christine complains that the guys lost the challenge. Bye bye Christine! Coach wants a 3 way split, with their 6 voting for Christine and Stacey.
Brandon wants Mikayla gone so his penis will stop swelling up. He's gone to medical about it twice now. Ok, they didn't actually show that. Brandon tells coach she has to go or he can't be faithful to his wife. Riiiiight, like Mikayla is just waiting to get a piece of that. He's a total creeper and future sex offender, I am convinced. What is it day 4?? He's running around trying to get everyone else to go with Mikayla.
Christine and Stacey are freaking out, as is Mikayla. Edna gives her some cover story about who they are voting for and Christine tells her flat out she's messing up her own lies. Christine goes idol searching...
Coach is getting annoyed with Brandon. But Brandon says, Mikayla, period. Wow.
Tribal Council: Yep, Dark blue. He totally reads my blog.
Brandon says his first impression has been good.
Coach says he thought his first impression wasn't that great. And then BANG, he tells Jeff that he's heard Christine and Stacey are planning to vote out Mikayla.
What?? Stacey goes nuts.
Christine says she doesn't want Mikayla to go.
Mikayla says, I'm strong, I don't get this!
Stacey-I've never even talked to Coach!
Christine: "from whom did you hear it, Mr. Honesty?"
Coach: Christine's been looking for the idol all day
Christine-obviously Coach is threatened by me. He's hurt because he's a temporary player.
Mikayla: Jeff, you haven't asked Christine and Stacey if they said they were voting for me.
They both deny it.
Brandon-Ahhhhhh, I can't lie, I'm the one who told Christine and Stacey to vote for Mikayla.
Mikayla "welcome to survivor"
Albert: it's great when the truth finally comes out...
Time to vote.
Sophie, one vote. Edna, one vote, Stacey, 3 votes and the person vote off is Christine with 4.
First up, Semhar is at redemption island. She apparenty has abandonment issues...she raps about it... yea, it's annoying as hell.
Woody knows he needs to stop being a total nerd and man up. Easier said than done I think. Oz and Keith are getting pretty chummy.
Coach has his alliance with Brandon, Sophie, Rick and Albert. But he's got the hots for Edna. She isn't in his alliance but he's "friends" with her. Hmmm. They discuss whether or not Christine has the idol. Decide Christine and Stacey are too tight.
Back to Woody, he's working it. Cutting those coconuts, over and over. Dude, learn a new trick! He says his mommy wouldn't like him using a machete. hahahahaha. I got $10 he still lives with her.
Ozzie goes idol hunting and bang, finds it. He is gonna be a strong force in this game.
OMG, so Brandon feels bad deceiving Coach about who his uncle is. They go for a walk and Brandon does some scripture quoting, which frankly gets up my ASS, then he tells him who he really is. Coach is floored. "I don't want to be played again". Coach decides to trust him for now. And then they hold hands and pray. For christ sake...
On red, the guys go fishing. Oz and Keith are already in an alliance but they let Jim think it's all his idea. FYI-Keith wears red underwear. You didn't really think I wasn't gonna comment on that, did you? They decide to include Elyse and Whitney.
Blue: Mikayla is a tough girl, who has no qualms stripping down to her underwear and getting shit done. Brandon is all nuts about her. Calls her Parvati, says she's using her seduction. Seriously, I expect him to start beating himself to stop his penis from tingling.
Christine is still looking for the idol, and freakishly she is the only one looking. Finds the clue but can't decide if she should share it with anyone.
Challenge time. Jeff is in light blue. The blue team arrives all eating pandara fruit, because the team that eats pandara stays together. Uhuh, they really said this.
Ok, it's a freaking may pole challenge. Skip around and unwrap ribbons to get keys, unlock the tribe mates and move crates in a giant puzzle. Wanna know what you're playing for? Immunity, plus pillows and blankets.
May pole, Woody is expectedly lame. Dawn's lame too. Blue goes into the puzzle with a big lead, and then blows it. Red wins.
Back at camp, Christine complains that the guys lost the challenge. Bye bye Christine! Coach wants a 3 way split, with their 6 voting for Christine and Stacey.
Brandon wants Mikayla gone so his penis will stop swelling up. He's gone to medical about it twice now. Ok, they didn't actually show that. Brandon tells coach she has to go or he can't be faithful to his wife. Riiiiight, like Mikayla is just waiting to get a piece of that. He's a total creeper and future sex offender, I am convinced. What is it day 4?? He's running around trying to get everyone else to go with Mikayla.
Christine and Stacey are freaking out, as is Mikayla. Edna gives her some cover story about who they are voting for and Christine tells her flat out she's messing up her own lies. Christine goes idol searching...
Coach is getting annoyed with Brandon. But Brandon says, Mikayla, period. Wow.
Tribal Council: Yep, Dark blue. He totally reads my blog.
Brandon says his first impression has been good.
Coach says he thought his first impression wasn't that great. And then BANG, he tells Jeff that he's heard Christine and Stacey are planning to vote out Mikayla.
What?? Stacey goes nuts.
Christine says she doesn't want Mikayla to go.
Mikayla says, I'm strong, I don't get this!
Stacey-I've never even talked to Coach!
Christine: "from whom did you hear it, Mr. Honesty?"
Coach: Christine's been looking for the idol all day
Christine-obviously Coach is threatened by me. He's hurt because he's a temporary player.
Mikayla: Jeff, you haven't asked Christine and Stacey if they said they were voting for me.
They both deny it.
Brandon-Ahhhhhh, I can't lie, I'm the one who told Christine and Stacey to vote for Mikayla.
Mikayla "welcome to survivor"
Albert: it's great when the truth finally comes out...
Time to vote.
Sophie, one vote. Edna, one vote, Stacey, 3 votes and the person vote off is Christine with 4.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Survivor South Pacific-Week 1
It's BAAAAACCCCCCKKKKKKK. The Survivor Update is baaaaaaacccccckkkk!! How happy are we??
Survivor SOUTH PACIFIC...BALI HI. And, ooh, let's bring back contestants again!! Cue to Ozzie and Coach arriving in a helicopter, because they both have better agents this time around. They also apparently share a hairdresser. Coach is looking to "own the game with honor and integrity". YAWN. Oz needs to play with a new strategy.
Ok, and now the non-celebrity survivors are paddling in, fully dressed. Seriously?? I'd be wearing something I wanted to wear for 39 days over my bathing suit from the minute Mark Burnett called me to offer me the gig. So, who we got up first??
I think his name is Jim or John? I've changed it twice in my notes. He wants to be called Cochran but NICKNAME ALERT I'm gonna just start right off calling him Woody because he is 100% doing a Woody Allen impression. Woody is a Survivor freak fan, who knows everything about Survivor. And, here's a question to ponder...if you were a little wimpy bit of a boy and you wanted to not exaggerate that, would you wear a PINK SHIRT AND A RED SWEATER VEST???
Ahhh, the Rancher, Rick. Is gonna be all hat and no cattle?? Says people should have been training for the show, like in making far (which I think is like fire) and stuff. If you ain't, you been spittin in the wind.
And, we get to meet Russell's nephew, Brandon. Who says being related to Russell is like being related to Hitler. Niiiiice.
OK, Come on into the redemption arena. 2 tribes one's red, one's blue. Jeff announces there are 2 returning players and the asian-ish chick says to Brandon, "God I hope it's not Russell" har har har. He's screwed because he has 2 tattoos that way Hanz and Little Hanz. Question: Why would anyone get a tattoo that says Little Hanz, unless it describes the situation south o'the border if you get my drift.
Oz is a total freaking rock star to these people. He comes running out of the helicopter while Coach struts his jeans and black dragon jacket. Christine starts right off bagging on coach for being the dragon slaya, says Oz and Coach are just temporary players.
Woody announces he has a buff collection at home.
Oz and Coach have to pick eggs with red or blue paint in them. Oz smashes his on his chest (and on Jeff's chest) while Coach breaks his and ooooh sooooo carefully looks pissed that he's gonna get paint on that dragon jacket.
DAMN, we're off with a first challenge, which is a Hero Challenge, and no they don't get to eat hoagies. Oz vs Coach have to do some climbing, digging and then...wait for it....PUZZLIN'. For some dumb ass reason, they have to retrieve a plastic turtle, carry it around and place it on the top of the finished puzzle. A turtle? I don't get it. Winning team gets Taro (which is potato but which I understand is very hard to cook), and flint.
It's OK until they get to the puzzle which poor Jeff has to tell them how to do like 3 times. I don't think Coach EVER gets the idea of moving pyramids across 3 tables so you never put a larger one on a smaller one. The tribes yell instructions, and Coaches team sucks at that too. Oz wins and Coach is mortified. "I got nothing for you, head on out". Edna (Asian-ish) stops and helps Coach while everyone else stalks away.
Red tribe gets to camp. Oz is the hero. We meet Semhar, who is a spoken word artist, aka unemployable. I, myself, am a much better written word artist. Anyway, Oz is totally into her and her banging breasts. "Let's not work, let's all go swimming!!" Uhuh, let's get naked. They all start to undress, but Woody, whose woody is probably a twiggy, is shy. Really?? You're a fan of the show and you didn't see this coming?? He says, this is the 90210 tribe and I'm one of the 0's.
Blue team. Coach-"I'm not a threat, I'm here to help you all". They go around and there is one girl who just graduated college...with a degree in Russian Economics. Must be Sophie? Although she's listed as a medical student online. Because there is no way you get a job with a degree in Russian Economics. Anyway, Coach starts talking to her in friggin russian.
This tribe decides to build shelter, and Coach is actually quite helpful. Christine says she's going to go look for firewood, but Coach and everyone else realize she's looking for an immunity idol.
The red tribe is still swimming. Jim says he's a high school teacher, but he's actually a professional poker player/medical marijuana dealer. Mark is older, he says he's into experiencing life and he just came out of the closet as a gay cop. He wants to be called Papa Bear, and who am I to argue??
So, when everyone is finally done pissing in the ocean they decide to build a fire. Dawn is worrying because they are not building shelter, which as Woody knows IS THE FIRST THING YOU NEED TO DO. She has 6 kids and is a control freak apparently. Skip to the next morning when Dawn's medications appear to be wearing off. That's the bitch about mother's little helpers. Mother gets addicted to them. She's crying, feels old, telling everyone she's really, sob, a strong, sob, person, who never, sob, cries. Jesus, it's day 1!! I'd haul off and smack her!! Oz talks her down and Papa Bear is supportive but he's like, chick we're the 2 old people, get a friggin grip.
They move on to thinking about shelter. Woody asks Elyse to show him how to open a coconut. I think it was Elyse. Anyway, I really thought he was gonna chop off a few fingers but he manages to get it open. He acts like he did the first time he took the derivative of a complicated equation. Oz is watching him and thinking he's not that physical. Woody wants to show he's a provider. Um, no. You are an opener.
Blue team: Brandon is fishing and catches his first fish. He wears his shirt at all times.
Immunity Challenge-Jeff is in sigh, Dark Blue.
It's an obstacle course, with a ziz zag, a wall, coconuts, hidden machete, and finally a basketball court. Funny, they don't yet seem to be pushing traditional South Pacific stuff down our throats yet.
They show the teams strategizing. Semhar volunteers to shoot coconuts. Cue the troubling music. Ok. It's an OK challenge, we get to see who can and can't pull themselves over a wall. Albert is freaking amazing. Woody has no upper body strength but at least he didn't cry and say his shoulder was dislocated when they pulled him over.
Basically, Semhar throws 3 coconuts and wants to quit. Sorry, no change ups. Mikayla is amazing. It's apparently very close but Blue wins immunity! They get immunity, fire and a clue to the idol (which of course everyone now knows there is one on each beach). Semhar says she feels kinda bad and Jim goes nuts on her. "KINDA BAD????"
On blue, everyone is looking for the idol. The pink dressed mortician, Stacy looks right at the clue and keeps walking. You'd think she'd notice the cameraman following her and stopping to shoot the inside of a tree.
On red, Semhar and Jim go at it. "Jim made us look weak for calling me out". LOL. Spoken word artist my ass. Dawn and Mark bond. She's worried her outbreak will lead to her being the first out. They both decide Semhar has to go.
In the water, Oz is arguing to keep Semhar's tits in the game. He ways it should be Woody since he's not athletic. Jim is worried that Oz is intent on keeping Semhar..."does he have an all girl alliance going on??" Oz tells Semhar, "if you want to stay you need to do some politicing". Jim tells Woody he might be on the chopping list and Woody basically hyperventilated about being first off. Yea, he's massively getting on my nerves.
Tribal Council. Fire=Life in this game, in case you have never heard Jeff (in DARK BLUE) say that a bazillion times.
Dawn, are people worried about being all alone at redemption? Shit, Jeff, I wasn't until you just brought it up. Today I lost everything familiar to me, I lost my confidence. I cried. But I'm fine now. Jim got me some good medical quality marijuana.
Elise:Semhar is concerned about her performance today.
Jim: I'm a competitor, I hate to lose, she sucked it.
Whitney: yep, I'm glad I stayed in the background all episode. Semhar pushed it.
Semhar: I stepped up.
Oz, What's better, the person with guts or the safe person? Jeff, definitely the person who tries, provided they have perky tits.
Dawn: Woody should be worried, he's weak.
Woody: I know I look weak but I flew through that net thing.
Papa Bear: He got confused at the wall. He needs direction.
Woody: DO NOT SAY IT'S TIME TO VOTE YET, JEFF. Semhar stands by the pot all day, I'm an eager student. I see it once and I learn. I opened a coconut! I will do whatever at camp.
Semhar: Woody, your problem is you are too mesmerized by the game...
Time to vote and the first person voted off Survivor South Pacific is a pretty unanimous Semhar. Who wrote a haiku on the way out.
Survivor SOUTH PACIFIC...BALI HI. And, ooh, let's bring back contestants again!! Cue to Ozzie and Coach arriving in a helicopter, because they both have better agents this time around. They also apparently share a hairdresser. Coach is looking to "own the game with honor and integrity". YAWN. Oz needs to play with a new strategy.
Ok, and now the non-celebrity survivors are paddling in, fully dressed. Seriously?? I'd be wearing something I wanted to wear for 39 days over my bathing suit from the minute Mark Burnett called me to offer me the gig. So, who we got up first??
I think his name is Jim or John? I've changed it twice in my notes. He wants to be called Cochran but NICKNAME ALERT I'm gonna just start right off calling him Woody because he is 100% doing a Woody Allen impression. Woody is a Survivor freak fan, who knows everything about Survivor. And, here's a question to ponder...if you were a little wimpy bit of a boy and you wanted to not exaggerate that, would you wear a PINK SHIRT AND A RED SWEATER VEST???
Ahhh, the Rancher, Rick. Is gonna be all hat and no cattle?? Says people should have been training for the show, like in making far (which I think is like fire) and stuff. If you ain't, you been spittin in the wind.
And, we get to meet Russell's nephew, Brandon. Who says being related to Russell is like being related to Hitler. Niiiiice.
OK, Come on into the redemption arena. 2 tribes one's red, one's blue. Jeff announces there are 2 returning players and the asian-ish chick says to Brandon, "God I hope it's not Russell" har har har. He's screwed because he has 2 tattoos that way Hanz and Little Hanz. Question: Why would anyone get a tattoo that says Little Hanz, unless it describes the situation south o'the border if you get my drift.
Oz is a total freaking rock star to these people. He comes running out of the helicopter while Coach struts his jeans and black dragon jacket. Christine starts right off bagging on coach for being the dragon slaya, says Oz and Coach are just temporary players.
Woody announces he has a buff collection at home.
Oz and Coach have to pick eggs with red or blue paint in them. Oz smashes his on his chest (and on Jeff's chest) while Coach breaks his and ooooh sooooo carefully looks pissed that he's gonna get paint on that dragon jacket.
DAMN, we're off with a first challenge, which is a Hero Challenge, and no they don't get to eat hoagies. Oz vs Coach have to do some climbing, digging and then...wait for it....PUZZLIN'. For some dumb ass reason, they have to retrieve a plastic turtle, carry it around and place it on the top of the finished puzzle. A turtle? I don't get it. Winning team gets Taro (which is potato but which I understand is very hard to cook), and flint.
It's OK until they get to the puzzle which poor Jeff has to tell them how to do like 3 times. I don't think Coach EVER gets the idea of moving pyramids across 3 tables so you never put a larger one on a smaller one. The tribes yell instructions, and Coaches team sucks at that too. Oz wins and Coach is mortified. "I got nothing for you, head on out". Edna (Asian-ish) stops and helps Coach while everyone else stalks away.
Red tribe gets to camp. Oz is the hero. We meet Semhar, who is a spoken word artist, aka unemployable. I, myself, am a much better written word artist. Anyway, Oz is totally into her and her banging breasts. "Let's not work, let's all go swimming!!" Uhuh, let's get naked. They all start to undress, but Woody, whose woody is probably a twiggy, is shy. Really?? You're a fan of the show and you didn't see this coming?? He says, this is the 90210 tribe and I'm one of the 0's.
Blue team. Coach-"I'm not a threat, I'm here to help you all". They go around and there is one girl who just graduated college...with a degree in Russian Economics. Must be Sophie? Although she's listed as a medical student online. Because there is no way you get a job with a degree in Russian Economics. Anyway, Coach starts talking to her in friggin russian.
This tribe decides to build shelter, and Coach is actually quite helpful. Christine says she's going to go look for firewood, but Coach and everyone else realize she's looking for an immunity idol.
The red tribe is still swimming. Jim says he's a high school teacher, but he's actually a professional poker player/medical marijuana dealer. Mark is older, he says he's into experiencing life and he just came out of the closet as a gay cop. He wants to be called Papa Bear, and who am I to argue??
So, when everyone is finally done pissing in the ocean they decide to build a fire. Dawn is worrying because they are not building shelter, which as Woody knows IS THE FIRST THING YOU NEED TO DO. She has 6 kids and is a control freak apparently. Skip to the next morning when Dawn's medications appear to be wearing off. That's the bitch about mother's little helpers. Mother gets addicted to them. She's crying, feels old, telling everyone she's really, sob, a strong, sob, person, who never, sob, cries. Jesus, it's day 1!! I'd haul off and smack her!! Oz talks her down and Papa Bear is supportive but he's like, chick we're the 2 old people, get a friggin grip.
They move on to thinking about shelter. Woody asks Elyse to show him how to open a coconut. I think it was Elyse. Anyway, I really thought he was gonna chop off a few fingers but he manages to get it open. He acts like he did the first time he took the derivative of a complicated equation. Oz is watching him and thinking he's not that physical. Woody wants to show he's a provider. Um, no. You are an opener.
Blue team: Brandon is fishing and catches his first fish. He wears his shirt at all times.
Immunity Challenge-Jeff is in sigh, Dark Blue.
It's an obstacle course, with a ziz zag, a wall, coconuts, hidden machete, and finally a basketball court. Funny, they don't yet seem to be pushing traditional South Pacific stuff down our throats yet.
They show the teams strategizing. Semhar volunteers to shoot coconuts. Cue the troubling music. Ok. It's an OK challenge, we get to see who can and can't pull themselves over a wall. Albert is freaking amazing. Woody has no upper body strength but at least he didn't cry and say his shoulder was dislocated when they pulled him over.
Basically, Semhar throws 3 coconuts and wants to quit. Sorry, no change ups. Mikayla is amazing. It's apparently very close but Blue wins immunity! They get immunity, fire and a clue to the idol (which of course everyone now knows there is one on each beach). Semhar says she feels kinda bad and Jim goes nuts on her. "KINDA BAD????"
On blue, everyone is looking for the idol. The pink dressed mortician, Stacy looks right at the clue and keeps walking. You'd think she'd notice the cameraman following her and stopping to shoot the inside of a tree.
On red, Semhar and Jim go at it. "Jim made us look weak for calling me out". LOL. Spoken word artist my ass. Dawn and Mark bond. She's worried her outbreak will lead to her being the first out. They both decide Semhar has to go.
In the water, Oz is arguing to keep Semhar's tits in the game. He ways it should be Woody since he's not athletic. Jim is worried that Oz is intent on keeping Semhar..."does he have an all girl alliance going on??" Oz tells Semhar, "if you want to stay you need to do some politicing". Jim tells Woody he might be on the chopping list and Woody basically hyperventilated about being first off. Yea, he's massively getting on my nerves.
Tribal Council. Fire=Life in this game, in case you have never heard Jeff (in DARK BLUE) say that a bazillion times.
Dawn, are people worried about being all alone at redemption? Shit, Jeff, I wasn't until you just brought it up. Today I lost everything familiar to me, I lost my confidence. I cried. But I'm fine now. Jim got me some good medical quality marijuana.
Elise:Semhar is concerned about her performance today.
Jim: I'm a competitor, I hate to lose, she sucked it.
Whitney: yep, I'm glad I stayed in the background all episode. Semhar pushed it.
Semhar: I stepped up.
Oz, What's better, the person with guts or the safe person? Jeff, definitely the person who tries, provided they have perky tits.
Dawn: Woody should be worried, he's weak.
Woody: I know I look weak but I flew through that net thing.
Papa Bear: He got confused at the wall. He needs direction.
Woody: DO NOT SAY IT'S TIME TO VOTE YET, JEFF. Semhar stands by the pot all day, I'm an eager student. I see it once and I learn. I opened a coconut! I will do whatever at camp.
Semhar: Woody, your problem is you are too mesmerized by the game...
Time to vote and the first person voted off Survivor South Pacific is a pretty unanimous Semhar. Who wrote a haiku on the way out.
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