Survivor on Speed

Ok people, buckle up, we're rushing towards Sunday's finale with two challenges and two tribal councils tonight!

Jeff voice over: Russell has achieved his goals with lies and deception". Just the way we like him. However, he is "super paranoid, wasting his idol last week".

Heroes think Candace is weak. Or, maybe just a back stabbing opportunist BITCH who Matt says is "dead to him". LOL. Still laughing about that. She's "pitiful and belongs on the Villain team", which is fortunate for her since that is the WINNING team.

Rupert thinks Russell is a disgusting human. He and Russell are in an out and out fight. Troll: "Ima villain, here to make your life hell. I'm the second coming of Christ". Ok, that's overboard even for me. "I want Rupert gone".

Immunity challenge #1: Jeff is in dark blue. It's the stand with one hand up, tied onto a rope with a bucket of water, or as we like to call it in our house, Saturday night. Jeff is going to challenge them. Jeff, I will let go for a little action in the woods. Pick me Pick me!!

Sandra and Russell step out for cookies and milk. Colby goes for 4 donuts and iced coffee. 35 minutes go by. PBJ, chips, candy and milk-Danielle, Candace and Jerri share this. It's down to Rupert and Perv. Let me just say FOR THE RECORD, that even though I think Perv is a snake, she does work it in the challenges. Rupert falls, and Perv once again wins immunity.

But wait!! There's a twist!! It's an immunity note that the Probster reads to everyone. Ahhhh, I love it when he reads me a bedtime story.

Back at camp and they are like ants on a picnic blanket looking for that idol. Sandra finds it. Rupert: "even if I don't have an idol, I can play like I do". He puts something in his pocket and strolls away. Russell thinks Rupert has it. Tells Sandra they need to split the votes 3-3, but Jerri wants Candace gone, Danielle wants Colby.

Tribal.
Candace: I did not join the villains. I was not the one that switched.
Colby: Bullshit.
Is it Rupert of Colby tonight? Troll says yep, Rupert is the consensus.
Rupert: I stayed until the idol was found.

Time to vote.......anyone have an idol??? Nope. Candace is voted out. Which is OK since she was dead to Matt anyway.

Russell: we just blew it, it was a stupid idea. Jerri: "then you should have stopped it". Troll:" I'm not fully in control but ima gonna take control so fast they won't know what hit them.

BANG, we're back to another challenge. Seriously, why all the rush?? It seems like a new challenge to me. Ya gotta dig up pegs, and then use them in a table maze then some wall thngy. But, alas, it's still just a puzzle challenge.

I'll spare you the drama. Russell wins immunity. And, when Jeff puts the necklace on him, they both burst into flames of hatred. Ok, I made that up.

They return to camp in the rain. Perv wants Rupert gone, she wants "no heroes left". Russell wants to break up Danielle and Perv, which is actually a decent strategy. He talks to both Danielle and Perv, working both. He and Perv argue: "If you talk to Danielle you are out of this game". Seriously, you can see how Russell recently got arrested for knocking a woman to the ground. And, I'm betting it was his mother.

Perv talks to Danielle- "Russell is a liar"

Russell is worried about Danielle and Perv. "As soon as we get rid of Danielle, Perv will be so scared she'll stick to me". Russell talks to Rupert.

Danielle and Perv talk to Jerri. "I'm voting for Rupert". Troll: "Vote Danielle or you are next". Which is ridiculous since she is probably next anyway.

Tribal: Dark blue.

Rupert: Who's running the show? Perv or Russell
Danielle: I'm not sure of that, the villains make joint decisions. Uhuh.
Jerri is it peaceful around camp? Hell no! As you can see, Jeff, I haven't had my beauty sleep in many moons
Perv: Russell told me Danielle was trying to blindside me. Russell is trying to trust loyalty
Danielle: LIAR. The 3 of us are in an alliance! Why is he testing me. boooohooooo. I'm a wreck and exhausted, and I have facial hair. I don't know why Russell is trying to mess with it all. I'm closer to Perv than you all think (boy I wish we had time to explore THAT LITTLE NUGGET).
Jerri is just sitting back sucking this up!!

Time to vote: Rupert 3, Danielle 4. "The villains are not one big happy family!!

Survivor Update: Another Dumb Blonde

It's Thursday!! That time of the week when we see if I have any memory of last week's show. ONE OF THESE DAYS I will not wait until the last minute to write this up.


Sooooo, the Troll found himself a little outplayed at last week's tribal council when Pervhottie pulled not one but TWO idols out of her bag. "I didn't know Perv had an idol". He confronts her, "you lied to me".

He's all CRAZY EYED PISSED.

Perv: "I wanted him to feel out of control".

Amanda wants the gang of heroes to work on Sandra. Kinda late, doncha think?? Rupert wanted to trust her from the beginning, but it's going to be hard to bring her back in.

Troll: "The ship is sinking". He decides to work his hot madness on Candace. He likes those dumb blondes, remember? He offers her a deal. He tells Danielle and Perv that he wants to bring in Candace and get rid of Sandra.

Challenge: Jeff is in light blue. Ah, it's a shuffleboard throw down. LOL. Wanna know what you're playing for? A trip to the Treasure Island home of Robert Lewis Stephenson. Perv wants to win because she thinks there's probably another idol clue. I hate this whole idol thing.

3 teams: Candace, Perv and Jerri; Sandra, Troll and Rupert; and Colby, Amanda and Danielle. Ahhh, we have apparently found Colby's sport! He gets the last shot for the win.

Ok, so Colby, Amanda and the bearded Danielle go off to Treasure Island. Amanda is hell bent on looking for the idol. They all get in bed and watch..... Treasure Island. Danielle finds the note in the bowl of popcorn, which is WHY one should never share popcorn. Danielle suavely hides the note on the floor beside the bed, and Amanda finds it on the floor. Girl on Girl action!! And, Colby is watching the movie. Colby is a total pussy, and Amanda has to give the clue back to Danielle. Ridunculous. Possession is 9/10ths if the law. LOL.

Back @ Camp yingyang, Troll and Perv are all over Danielle to see if she has the clue, and if anyone else knows. They obviously did. They run off to find it. Etroll finds it, and hides it. He runs off, "I'm the king of idols".

It's raining. I have no idea why I thought that was significant. Russell tells Candace "I trust you, we're final 3".

Sandra and Colby talk. "Danielle or Perv have to go. We need you". They think Danielle has the idol. Sandra tells Rupert Russell is the one. "Your girls need to stick with you". Rupert " Russell is a piece of garbage".

Immunity-medium blue. It's the Brady Bunch, who gets to use the green stamp house of card challenge! Jan, watch your bracelet!

Jerri gets hers to 6'. then she and Russell are both at 8 foot. (they have to build to 10 feet). High drama. Russell runs out of cards, and Jerri wins her first immunity ever.

Back @ camp: Troll "Ruppert and Colby are done". Amanda gets all aggressive, she has to go". Candace: "Either way I vote makes me a target, I have to go with the troll".

Sandra says Russell. All agree, BUT Candace tells him about it. Troll confronts Sandra, she says, "no, it's Amanda". "If either of them flip on me I go home".

Sandra tells the group, "We're screwed by Candace". We're voting Perv. Who's gonna tell amanda. Is Candace in or out?? Sandra works on Candace HARD. Russell tries to interrupt.

Tribal.

Rupert: How do you make a Villain jump ship? No chance.

Sandra: Best bet is to stay with your tribe, but everyone knows I'm on the outside

Jeff: It ain't paradise on the Villain side

Troll: We all play each way.

Rupert: I wish I knew there was distrust. Well, open your FRIGGIN EYES.

Colby: Danielle has an idol

Time to vote. Russell plays the idol. Amanda is the next person voted out.

Troll tells Perv: I had to. She rolls her eyes, "You just wasted an idol".

Survivor, brought to you by Outback Steak

Yo yo yo. I actually had to go back and watch this episode twice, mostly because I couldn't believe it the first time around. CANNOT WAIT for Jeff to jump all over JT at the reunion show for being the worlds biggest idiot.

We start with Jerri, who is like the old woman of the sea this season, wigging out about Coach getting voted off. And, not getting a chance to put her tongue down his throat one last time before he went. At least she still has the shell engagement ring. She talks to Troll, who denies having any idea what happened last week. And, she buys it. He wants either Sandra or Courtney to go. No shock there.

Tree mail. It's that challenge from Tocachines or whatever it was, where people stand on little pegs. This time, they have to self rank themselves from strongest to weakest and they get matched up that way. Rupert thinks he's the strongest, but they all basically tell him he's too fat.

COME ON IN GUYS. Jeff is in light blue. Notice Coach has been voted off. Rupert: "It's obviously a woman's alliance". And, it is obviously a winning tactic to keep yelling out what you think the other team is doing. Jeff explains the challenge. Wanna know what you are playing for? A totally shameless push for Outback Steakhouse, now available in American Samoa. "Bloomin' onion baybee". Everyone apparently loves Outback. LOVES LOVES LOVES Outback. Either that or they got their kickback checks this morning.

Matched up: Danielle/Candace, Courtney/Amanda, Pervhottie/JT, Jerri/Colby and Sandra/Rupert. The troll sits out because, like Rupert, he is too damn fat.

While we wait for the first 10 minutes to pass, Jeff tells us that it is an historic day!! It is the 100th day Amanda has played Survivor.

They all move down one peg. The troll mouths good luck to JT, who thinks it is a cry for help.

3rd foothold. Colby the Lame goes out. Villains 1-0. Rupert goes out, Villains 2-0.

Sandra starts talking about how she LOVES her some Outback. Jeff, before my huuusband went off to Afghanistan, that last week? Instead of having sex, we ate at Outback Steak twice. "I love OUTBACK STEAK, and so does my all patriotic, fighting for America soldier husband". She totally just got free Outback for life.

Amanda is out. Villains win reward. Over at the Outback shack, and hey! No waiting in American Samoa-no having to sit around smelling the food, getting hungry enough to order that 5,000 calorie Bloomin Onion while you wait for the square vibrator to vibrate. Sandra is pounding the pink drinks. Because in addition to LOVING OUTBACK, and her WAR HERO HUSBAND, Sandra LOVES her some pink drinks with kick ass alcohol in them. Seriously, this is like an Outback ad. Complete with close-ups of the steak and cheesy-gross baked potato.

Pervhottie actually uses her napkin, and finds a rolled up clue in it. They all chatter along about how funny the Heroes are going on and on about the all girl alliance. Pervhottie gets up to pee, and Danielle joins her. Perv and Danielle read the clue. Perv isn't tellin the troll.

JT, apparently, does not give a damn about no steak. He tells Amanda and I think Candace, that he is going to give Russell the idol and tell him to vote off Perv. Amanda thinks this is crazy but lets him do it.

The next day, Perv and Danielle go looking for the idol, carrying a big ass shovel just in case anyone sees them. They find it.

Oh god. JT writes the most embarrassingly 7th grade letter to Russell. Do you like me? Circle yes or no. LOL.

Immunity Challenge: Light blue. I don't know. It's some thing with bags of puzzles on ropes, and then a totem pole puzzle. Whatever. In the middle of it, Russell and Colby the Lame are both out in the water on platforms. Colby goes all serious and tells him after the challenge, JT will shake his hand and hand him the idol. "Save yourself, man". Russell drags getting his bag of pieces and the Heroes win immunity.

"I don't even have to find the idols anymore, people are just giving me the idols". JT is all thrilled with himself. "I'm gonna make Survivor history". Yes, you certainly are.

Troll and Pervhottie read the letter and laugh about it. "How do you give the idol king an idol??" Perv adds, "Your BFF forever, JT". It is really laughable.

Troll wants Courtney. Courtney promises Perv she will stick with her after the merge. The troll tells Jerri and Danielle about the idol from JT. Perv tries to argue for Sandra to go rather than Courtney. It's all kind of boring at this point.

Tribal-Jeff is in dark blue, baby. Let's bring Coach out. OH MY FUCKING GOD. Coach is wearing like, a kung fu smoking jacket. Seriously. I think be must have bought it at one of those chinese stores in San Francisco. I can't stop laughing. Seriously, I laughed so hard I could not take notes on the tribal. It was all blah blah trust, blah blah blab alliance. I do notice, however that Danielle's lip waxing needs to be redone, and she is sporting one hell of a mustache. I can only imagine what she looks like now that the Brazilian wax job has also grown in. Ugh.

They vote and Courtney goes. "Later Bitches".

Survivor Update: Regrets, I have a few...

Jeez, how can it possibly be Thursday already? Man oh man. Let's see what my drunken Survivor notes from last week say, shall we?


Sooo, Rob was voted out last time, and I am still upset about that. Can't believe I was actually rooting for him after all these years of watching the reality whore. Russell is all crazy eyed. Seriously, it's like his pupils are constantly dilated with evil. Coach is upset about the vote, WHICH IS HIS OWN DAMN FAULT. Now Jerri is also wondering if she made the wrong choice. YES. The simple answer is YES. I keep wondering if these people watched the last season with Etroll, although I know Coach blogged about it. Coach:" Now I'm forced to go in that direction. We're in the crapper and are praying for the merge". Hey, you lazy mo'fo how about doing some OUT-FREAKING-PLAYING and peeling some people away from the Coach alliance? What would Gandhi do? Gandhi would be kicking some ass right about now, if you ask me. As would Buddha. Notice I am not even calling him the dragon slaya today, because a REAL FREAKING dragon slaya wouldn't walk away from a fight with a little fat, dirty assed, crazy eyed dragon. Nooooo sir. A real FREAKING dragon slaya would be going all Gandhi-Buddha on the troll.

Let's see what's up in Heroland. JT goes to find the new idol. Which reminds me, WHY ISN'T THAT FAT, DIRTY ASSED, CRAZY DRAGON looking for the second idol like he did last season? Sorry, I got distracted. Amanda follows JT to see what he's doing. Her ass cheeks are hanging out of her shorts. Bing, I now christen her "Ass Cheeks". JT finds the idol, hidden once again by the American Samoa brownie troop #486. He tells Ass Cheeks about it, then tells Candace. They urge him to 'come clean". And then doves fly out of they butts. JT tells the others, and says "let's forget about it and save it for the one of us who needs it after the merge". Candace and Ass Cheeks doubt JT is, let's face it, that stupid. He's the golden boy. He's "in" with everybody. Candace wants him gone. (drink)

The villains are hungry. Apparently eating your own isn't filling. Coach tells Jerri to suck it up and be a ninja that can survive without food. LMAO. The day my husband tells me that, he is a dead man walking.
Everyone is hoping for the merge. The Villains pack up all their shit and take it to the challenge.

Challenge! Dark Blue!! Let's welcome the new Villain tribe, without Rob. oooooooh. Rupert " sure looks like a woman's alliance making the decisions". 'Troll's pupils dilate a little more. Colby is confused why they brought their shit. "What did they read into the clue that we missed??"
Jeff: "See all that food over there? You will all have an opportunity to enjoy it. But....... first.........drop...........your............expectations. No merge today. LOL!! I love when my man bitch slaps them all. Kind of reminds me of the other night at the Motel 6 in Pottstown...but I digress.

Reward challenge: Bowling, or as my mother always called it "Polish Night Out". No offense to bowlers. Ah, the Tiki Bowl is in business.

Pervhottie is up against Rupert. Perv rolls a gutter ball, Rupert gets 3 pins. Perv rolls another gutter and the Hero's are up 1-0. Clearly we are not playing by real rules.

JT vs Danielle. JT gets 6 pins first try, Danielle gets 0 although Jeff has to friggin say she has good form. I'll show him good form... JT gets nutin on his second roll, Danielle, another bunch of nothing. Heroes up by 2.

Troll vs Colby. Troll rolls a gutter. EAT IT TROLL. Colby, rolls a 0 with a faggot little bounce. Second ball: Troll gets a 5, Colby a 1. Heroes 2: Villains 1.

Coach vs Ass Cheeks. Coach rolls a 5! As does Ass Cheeks!!! Coach gets another pin for 6 but....Ass Cheeks kicks it with 2 pins and Heroes win reward.

Heroes feast on bowling junk food. They are the "fantastic 5" in their minds. Lots of discussion: Crazy to vote out Rob! It's clearly an all woman alliance over there? They want the hero girls to get right in and bond with them when the merge happens. "I love you all". LOL. That'll last...

Back at camp. Happy land! Jerri: "Everyone on this tribe is an idiot." I could not agree more. "We should never have voted Rob out". Jerri and Sandra go at it because Russell told them to sit out. Sandra "now it's my fault??" "I hate them all".

Sandra and Courtney talk. "if Russell thinks someone is gunning for him, he gets rid of them. Let's put the 'Coach wants Russell gone' bug in his ear.

Coach is telling Courtney he hates everyone. Troll sees them talking "I will tell them this is how we're voting and that's done". God I want a job at his company!! Sandra mentions that Coach regrets Rob going and wants YOU gone". BING!!! It's like magic. "He's going behind my back and digging his own grave".

LOL. Sandra is so smart. 'He don't know what he got himself in with". The troll tells Pervhottie, "We have to get rid of Coach so the Heroes think it's a woman's alliance and the men will come straight to me." He's still chewing on that woman calling the shots claim, obviously.

Immunity Challenge. Light Blue. My notes say, "belted in pairs, under and over obstacles for flags". Hmmm, I have no memory of that. I think there's some mud involved. Screw it, Heroes win immunity. Courtney apparently hurts her ankle.

Villainland of Fun!! Coach, "it was like going to a spa". The dragon slaya is just coming into his own. Because he beat fat Rupert. LOL. Coach thinks he should get rid of Russell (HELLLOOOOOOOOOO), but decides on Courtney.

Coach asks the Troll, "any funny stuff going on I should know about?" Troll, "I'll send home who I want to".

Danielle wants to keep Coach, get rid of Courtney. She argues with Courtney. Courtney " if you keep Coach and lose, your ass is on the line". Danielle doesn't know what to do. Sandra and Courtney, Russell and Danielle are arguing. The Troll now says he wants to keep Coach. Pervhottie thinks it's all absurd.

Tribal. Hmmm, I call it Slate Blue, Donna calls it green.
Jeff: so, you got rid of Tyson and Rob and now have suffered 4 straight loses. Danielle: they were big threats.
Coach was the only person who won a point in bowling.
Courtney: You sit out most challenges. "I didn't vote for Rob".
Coach "People are laughing at us". Yes, dragon slaya they are. I get the impression that, more than anything else, bothers Coach.
Courtney rolls her eyes. "He only wanted to eat". Coach "so I'm the problem??" Jeff "that's what I heard". Oh, SNAP.
Jeff "You are all making decisions based upon a potential merge that might not happen"
Troll: "If you can keep the tribe stronger and keep the trust, that's what I'm doing tonight.
Time to vote. Courtney 3, Coach 4. Coach becomes the first member of the Jury.
Jeff, who is just so dayam smart: "The problem with trust is you don't know it's gone until it's too late". Ohhh, I got chills. I think I need to publish a book of Jeff-isms.

Survivor: Watch Your Back, MAN

Ahhh, it is such a nice day here in PA! Seriously, sunny, hot. The kind of day that you want to wear a dirty sports bra and crunchy bikini bottoms and slap at some biting insects. Oh, and HAPPY EASTER!! Or as I like to call it, the other day of the year I have to go to church.

Hmmm, last week. We start off with Amanda being mad at Candace. "She has to go". (Drink).

Nighttime in the jungle, and the Etroll is wide awake. He never sleeps, being consumed 24/7 with evil. Rob is also awake, waiting for him. They chat. Etroll tries to make Rob think he's not really against him. Rob tells him, "people are mad about the idol". The troll denies having it. Rob is all about making Etroll even more crazy and paranoid. "Watch your back, man".

Tree mail: "Never Give Up Even at the End of Your Rope". Colby is wondering if it is a physical challenge, and what that means for James. I got $20 on that same question, Colby.

Challenge, Jeff is in light blue. I wasn't really in the mood anyway. It's straight into a immunity challenge, with a twist. Both tribes will go to tribal, the winners get to watch the losers vote someone off while they enjoy shoveling hot dogs and drinks down their gullets.

It's another in the Survivor HALL OF FAME challenges, a rope obstacle. Basically fences with ropes tied all around them, and the players have to crawl around to untwist the rope. The Dragon Slaya, JT and Tyson have done this before.

Heroes go first. Lots of butt shots. Colby, as usual, SUCKS at this challenge. James is kicking ass even with his knee. Candace and JT get through the first section first, and Candace wins immunity.

Villains are up next, and I actually think a week later Sandra is still trying to figure this challenge out. It's Rob, Tyson and Etroll neck and neck, but in the end Rob wins immunity. Clearly this is a thin person's challenge, not a fat ass troll with a lower center of gravity person's challenge.

Rob takes on Candace in the elementary school jungle gym Survivor has flown in and built in the jungle. I hope they leave it for the displaced little children of Somoa, instead of selling it on ebay. Rob barely squeaks it out. Rob wins the challenge for the Villains.

Villainland: Pervhottie is on the list of people to to,but Rob wants Etroll to think it is him and use the idol. Coach, as we know, has another alliance with the devil, aka Russell. Rob to Russell: "If you have the idol, you better get it, otherwise it's been real". Which makes the troll fume: "Ima gonna git him to eat his words". He decides to give Perv the idol and then vote for Tyson.

Heroland: Colby "James beat me brace and all". Colby says to the tribe, I know it's me so let's have a nice day and not give anything away tonight at Tribal. Colby and James chat. "Sleepy ass Colby gets beat by a fat man and a cripple. It's not the old Colby".

Amanda, JT and Rupert chat Colby or James. JT: "Our 5 has to be the strongest".

Amanda talks to James, tells him he has to show that he can run and jump, but also that he needs to learn the etiquette of bananas. She tells him people are mad that he eats too many bananas, and never offers to get anyone any bananas. This statement alone is why I could never survive. James declares it's Hero Olympics time, challenges JT to a race. Colby is busy floating in the water. James and JT race, JT wins but James puts up a good effort. "James is a fighter and powerful". "Hey, JT, would you like a banana??" LOL.

V: Rob wants to ensure that the troll doesn't double cross him. He wants to split the vote between Etroll and Pervhottie. Good thought.

Etroll talks to Tyson, tells him "I'm voting for Pervhottie:. Tyson, who is a freaking idiot, changes his vote to Pervhottie as well.

Tribal Villains (wow, I didn't even notice what color Jeff was wearing).
Jerri: In what way has Survivor changed? The game is on from the start.
Rob: Hidden immunity idols, we never had them when I played
Sandra: We all know who has it.
Etroll: If you ain't got it you can't play it
Tyson: Jeff, I am a total tool, so let me just say that the idol isn't that important at this point in the game.
Perv: Tyson is a threat because he has connections on the other side.
Sandra: Pervhottie has slept with half of the Heroes.

Time to vote. Best line ever: Sandra as she is voting: "Russell, it's time for you to get in the ocean and wash your ass out."

Anyone have the idol? Russell plays it but gives it to Perv as payment for sexual favors. The vote is Russell 2, Perv 4 and Tyson 3. Tyson screwed himself out of the game. Rob, looks stunned.

Tribal II, Heroes. Villains are scarfing hot dogs. Rupert can't take his eyes off the food.

James: I raced JT today. Jeff, What??
Amanda: A lot of people would have lost to JT.
Colby: Huh? Wassup? I just said how much I want to stay
James: Colby is the best former player but he's superman in a girdle. I wanna be here AND I now know banana etiquette.

Time to vote. Colby gets 1 vote, James gets 4. Waaaaaaa.

James (and me): "Ima gonna be good and drunk in the next 5 minutes".

Survivor Update: Who You Calling Dead Weight?

You know, one would think that having an extra week to write up the Survivor Summary, I coulda gotten it done at least a day early. One would be wrong, as I have less than 4 hours to figure out what the heck I made notes on, and write them up for y'all,

Ok. So the previous week Cirie was sent home, mostly because JT switched sides. I mean he switched alliances, I have no idea what his sexual preference is. JT tells the tribe, "everything I did I did for the team". Rupert is pissed off. I am guessing we will not be seeing the happy tie dyed shirt tomorrow. Amanda confronts JT. He tells her he "took out Cirie when I had the change. This is not a new Tom/Colby alliance". She's not buying it.

The dragon slayer is singing a little Gregorian chant. Now they are all doing Tai Chi over at the Villains camp. All but Etroll who is looking for the idol. "Ima git it". Seriously, I think he is missing a tooth. Of course he finds it, because the Survivor production crew allows 5th grade girls to hide shit, which means it's mostly on the ground buried under half an inch of sand.

Challenge. Jeff is in dark blue. Yessir he is. It's a basketball. Wanna know what you're playing for? You will be taken to a watering hole, where you can wash the crap out of your butt cracks, thereby polluting an unspoiled natural refuge. Oh, and chocolate. Jeff hands out chocolate samples. The heroes don't eat it because they are "too focused". Colby tells Jeff, "let's just get this started". No u dint! Jeff tells Colby, "We'll get started when I say so". Oh, SNAP. I love it when Jeff is gangsterish. So hot.

Ok, so it's a physical game. Hey, wait, I just got the irony that they are playing basketball right before the march madness. Ok, back to the summary. James takes a hit. Hurts his knee, medical comes in but they let him walk it off. He's out for the challenge.
Amanda scores first. JT and Rob go at it. JT takes Coach down. Rupert hits Jerry's head into the fence. Hey Sellmans, how many times did you rewind that one to see Jerry's expression?? Jerry scores. Villains win reward.

James gets held back for medical attention. Are these medical people always Australian?? They bring in the jungle MRI machine and give him an ace bandage.

Villains are enjoying their chocolate feast. Etroll is all excited that James might be out of the show. Ahole. At the swimming hole, which Etroll does not enjoy, the others are discussing whether or not the troll has the idol. Etroll tells Pervhottie that he found the idol. She's almost excited enough to sleep with him. LOL. Etroll also tells the Dragon Slaya, wants to form an alliance. The king and the dragon slaya make an alliance while wearing striped towels.

Amanda and Candace are worried about James, as am I!! Amanda cries. They assume he isn't coming back, but wait! He comes limping in! Hooray!!! Wait, are they friggin playing the theme song from the Pirates of the Caribbean? Big hugs all around, yet Candace thinks James is dead weight now. Mighty fine looking dead weight let me add.

Immunity Challenge. Dark blue again. It's a blind puzzle challenge. God, I have a great Ishtar quote that no one would get. Such a shame. One person is the caller, the rest are paired up and blindfolded and have to go out into the field and find 10 puzzle pieces. Jerri calls for the Villains, James for the Heroes. Question: are Jerri and the Dragon Slaya no longer together? Rob walks around blindfolded protecting the family jewels. LOL. The heroes get all of their pieces first, and then the villains kick their asses in the friggin 10 piece puzzle.

Back on the Heroes camp, James is anti Tom-"we suck at the puzzles". Tom and Colby want James. JT and Rupert are leaning towards Tom. Candace wants James because he can't run. She however, can barely walk. JT thinks logically James is the way to go but that would put him in a bad way, alliance wise.

Tribal Council. I think this is a slate blue shirt, Donna thought it was green. In any case, I can't keep running off to the Motel 6 in Pottstown 3 times in one night without my husband getting suspicious.

James: "what happened?" "I doesn't hurt"
Jeff: "My niece could beat James right now". Um, Jeff? James could friggin kick your skinny Hollywood ass right now, even if he was in a wheel chair.
JT-"are you concerned James is just saying he's OK". Yes, Jeff, I am concerned.
James turns it around to the puzzle. "Everyone went willy nilly". Who the hell says Willy Nilly??
Tom: "Jeff, he's not being kept because of his physical ability, it's loyalty" "If James is quiet, it's because he's clueless". Wow, Tom does not like not being the head stud this season.
James " If y'all think Tom is better than me? Take me out now".

They vote. WHEW. It's Tom by a slim margin. I'm saved!!

Survivor: Male PMS is a Bitch

Ok, let's see if I can still do this, after the excellent job by Jeff last week!! The bar has been raised. I didn't happen to notice, but did Jeff include his address for those of you who still have not paid? Those Sellmans are kinda sneaky.

We begin tonight with the end of the last tribal council, where Sandra called Coach out. I may have to go back and watch just to see that. Coach's BIG ASS ego is bruised. "I look ignoble". Hahahaha, I freakin love that word. Tyson tries to comfort him and he actually cries. OMFG. "Why doesn't anyone every say anything good about me?" I gotta give props to Tyson for not laughing. They do the man thing. Man...dude...man...dude. Tyson: "I'll help you out. Here's an idea, don't wear freaking feathers in your hair at tribal, and don't tell your stories, and don't do tai chi where ANYONE can see you. And, most importantly of all, STOP BEING SUCH A DOUCHE". Coach: "I'm done dude". Seriously, this guy has PMS.

Next morning, Tyson tells everyone about it. Rob goes to talk to him, offers him support and tells him to basically grow a freaking pair. Coach: "I'm a legend. I'm King Arthur! I'm the last of the Mohicans (more like the homo-hicans if you ask me). Confucius say, "blah blah blah". I notice Jerry with the steel balls is no where to be found.

Heroland: It's treemail. And, it's the Sears Survivor Catalogue! I wonder if it's the Christmas one with all of the toys. I used to love reading that. The winners of the challenge get their 2 choices from the catalogue. PICK THE BARBIE DREAM HOUSE!! Hours of fun, trust me.

Challenge: Jeff is in dark blue. As he should be. Survivors pair up and slide down a slip N slide, grab balls and shoot baskets. Wow, just like my 7th birthday party!! The heroes are playing for a tackle box and a kitchen set, Villains are playing for a tool kit and more tarp.

Coach vs Tom, Coach wins and thinks he is the king of the world again. Russell vs Cirie, she gets no slide and Russell makes his basket. Courtney vs Candace-no one loses a top or bottom, but Candace scores making it 2-1. Jerry vs Amanda, Jerry wins. Sandra vs James, which is ridiculous. James wins making it 3-2. Danielle vs Rupert, Rupert wins making it a 3-3 tie. Tyson vs Colby for the win. Colby misses the basket 3 times and the Villains win reward. Again.

Coach is redeemed. He is now noble again. In his mind. They are unpacking the CRAFTSMAN tools, when Russell sees something on the handle of a serrated knife. It drops and Rob picks it up, reads it. It's a clue for the immunity idol. Rob and Sandra both say, we should find it and throw it into the ocean, and whoever finds it is marked to go home. Russell thinks they are idiots. Everyone goes to set up the tarp, and Russell casually strolls off down the beach. Rob notices and Sandra follows him. "He's a stupid ass". Rob has the best comment of the night: "He's like a hobbit on crack".

On Heroland, they are making coffee and find the note. They read it and all laugh. JT goes off to find it, and basically everyone follows. Tom is digging under a tree, and everyone joins him. He find the idol but Amanda sees him hide it in his sock. Everyone knows he has it.

Immunity Challenge: It's another of what Jeff calls the repeat of "Classic Challenges", but this one is the only one never finished because of that dude who passed out due to very low blood pressure. Who knows his name?? Anyway, it's the blind hamster ball challenge. Rob and Tom are inside the giant balls, and 2 blindfolded team mates have to maneuver him to the table maze, where 4 other blindfolded survivors are told how to move the board to get the ball through the maze.

Rob is first to the table and gets a pretty good lead but Tom manages to work it up to a very close ending. But, alas, Villains win.

Cirie: It's Colby or Tom tonight. Which makes you know that it is in fact probably neither. Tom apologizes for the loss, which is ridiculous. Cirie and Candace decide they have to break up the Colby/Tom alliance and one of them has to go.

Amanda asks JT, and he wants Candace gone. JT would actually like to get in an alliance with Tom because he trusts him more than he does Candace. Tom approaches Amanda and JT. Promises they will play the idol only as a committee, offers it to them. James comes up and joins the group. James, I am starting to believe, is not that bright. He just wants to win him some challenges. Is this a new alliance??

Amanda talks to Cirie. Tells her about Tom's promise. Cirie just laughs and tells her they are all stupid for believing it. "Amanda is not the sharpest tool in the shed". Cirie argues with everyone about why in fact they should get rid of Tom/Colby.

JT talks to Tom. Tells him he better be ready to use the idol cause things are breaking down. JT, Tom and Colby talk. "Cirie is the puppet master, she should go". They hatch a plan where the three of them could get rid of Cirie. It's JT's call.

Tribal, and Jeff is in another shade of dark blue. I think he is reading my blog on facebook. Seriously.

Tom: What is the philosophy? Stephanie was on the wrong side of the numbers Jeff.
Colby: It is looking like because of the numbers, good people will go.
JT: Is it too early for these alliances? Yes, Jeff, the good strong people might go. But, everyone is good this season, Jeff. You need loyal people with strong stomachs.
Rupert: I just want everyone to get along, wear happy tie dyed shirts and sing Kumbaya while we kick some ASS in the challenges.

Jeff: "So, let me get this straight, even though you are not sure it's the best vote, you would still vote just to keep your word?? Are you people nuts?? That just ensures you keep coming back to tribal".

Cirie: Are you worried it's you? Yes
Tom: Do you think Cirie is really worried? No.
James: I just need to be winning me some challenges. This social game is a distraction. My use of steroids has made it difficult for me to use logic.
Colby: It's a distraction but it's necessary when you are on the top of the list.

Time to vote. Jeff forgets to ask for the idol. What is his deal? Thinking about Motel 6?? Tom uses the idol. Candace is laughing. The vote is 3 votes Tom, two votes Colby and 3 votes Cirie, making her the next person voted off. JT looks nervous, James just looks confused.

Cirie: My hats off to them! They got me with one of my own moves.

Heroes
Pool 1 Pool 2
Amanda Wendy Annemarie
Candice Kevin and Matt Nataiya
Colby Carolyn Terry W.
James Elayne Elizabeth T
JT Lori Kevin Ray
Rupert Karen Adam and Aaron
Tom Ginnie Dave W.


Villains
Coach Joanne Rachel R.
Courtney John Wil
Danielle Becky Pam
Jerri Amy Beth W.
Parvati Leslie Tess' Mom and Dad
Rob Nancy Cindy H
Russell Donna Ed Parks
Sandra Kelly Betty
Tyson Tess and Susan Mary


Out
Sugar Jeff and Eileen Adam and Aaron
Stephanie Terri Stephanie D
Randy Stacey Gail
Cirie Kim Christopher

Survivor: Shut Y'all's Mouth

Hey, Survivor 10 years!

It’s raining and miserable. In villainland, they have no real shelter, so are all cold, wet and miserable. Rob:” Again, I’m on the buffoon tribe”. Coach and Jerri chatting on the beach at sunrise. Awwww. Later in the day, Rob has ideas about how to rebuild the shelter for the 4th time, but gives up because, “everyone has ideas…”

Hero-haven and all is happy happy happy. Oh, except Rupert does not like nor want Stephanie to stay. I’m not sure why other than her voice is really friggin annoying, what with that Philly thing going on. Stephanie doesn’t like Rupert either. “He’s playing too much the good guy role”. They decide to make coconut popcorn, but Rupert pissed Stephanie off even more by being a bossy popcorn adviser.

Vland’s shelter gate continues. Rob is just so frustrated. The girl villains are all bitching about the boy villains not being hot enough. No one is hot without a daily shower, toothbrush and shave. Just sayin. Rob goes out into the woods, and Jerri is luckily nearby. Rob goes down like a patient of Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab. Jerri finds him and he tells her to get help. Jeff and the medical team come, and he’s kinda out of it. They give him water and he’s kinda out of it trying to drink. The crack medical opinion? “He looks worse off than he is”. Rob starts crying, saying he’s sorry, “I feel like this game is getting the best of me… and I love and respect it so much”. It’s kinda weird, frankly. They say he had the flu, but I’m not buying it. Detox is a bitch. Rob decides to get over himself and stop trying to be the good guy.

Can I just say, for the record, that Randy always looks stoned? I mean, the lights are on but no one is home.

Challenge time. Jeff is teasing me in medium blue. Hmmm. It’s a repeat of a former PUZZLE challenge. Where survivors work in pairs and roll big crates to a platform, and then they have to stack the crates to spell their tribe name. JT, Coach and Tyson all did the challenge before. Wanna know what you’re playing for? A tarp and immunity.

Bottom line, the Heroes kick ass at bringing the crates in, and have a decent lead, but of course blow it in the puzzle. They’re totally disorganized, won’t listen to JT, and Stephanie is yelling the whole time. Won’t shut up and listen. James is pissed. Rob, of course, does the bulk of the work for the Villains and they win immunity and finally decent shelter.

James says that Stephanie is Kryptonite for the team. JT takes responsibility for the loss, which is ridiculous. James is getting more pissed by the minute. He just keeps yelling, “One voice”. Tom doesn’t like James. “I’d like to tell James what a winner is and what a loser is, and where he fits in”. LOL. Tom is even elegant when he criticizes people.

The villains celebrate by putting their tarp up, AND the find a giant clam. Russell gets jealous that someone else caught the clam, so he goes out and gets a chicken. “I’m in charge, I’m King Russell”. I’m guessing the employees at his oil company do not mind his ass being gone for another round of survivor.

James continues his rant. “Stephanie’s teams never win”. He is just totally bagging on her to everyone. Dude, it’s a bitch when steroid withdraw kicks in but try to control yourself.

JT has alliances with both James, and with Tom. The tribe is split between James, Rupert and Amanda on one side, and Tom, Colby and Stephanie on the other. JT is trying to walk a fine line. James obviously wants Stephanie. Stephanie and Tom want Amanda. Stephanie tries working on Cirie and Candace. Steph tells Cirie, that “you’re next you know”. Tom works on Candace. She wants to know what’s in it for her. Apparently nothing!

Candace and Cirie talk. “Once we decide which way to vote, the game is gonna bust open”. Cirie doesn’t care who goes as long as it’s not her.
Tribal Council, and my man is in the dark blue shirt. Happy times at the Motel 6 in Pottstown again!

James rants about Stephanie. She argues back. They start to really go at it. There is this whole ridiculous back and forth about the term “y’all”. James is totally obsessed with Stephanie. Colby steps in and protects Stephanie, as does Tom. Jeff points out that this is a divided tribe. Tom accuses James of bullying.

Colby says he had no idea this would be starting so early, and it is “terribly alarming”.

Cirie comments that everyone assumes she and Amanda have an alliance, but “she screwed me in the past”. Amanda admits that she is afraid that the past will come back and bite her.

Time to vote. Amanda gets 3…..Stephanie gets 3…..next vote…..it’s Stephanie.

As she’s leaving, she turns and says, “Next time y’all lose a challenge? A little less cursing would help”.

James “Shut your mouth”.

Survivor Update 12

Wow, I can't remember a worse final 4 since it all came down to the porn star and the southern cracker. Ya got your mullet girl (who has lost a TON of weight), your blonde anorexic weakling, your paranoid schemer and, of course, Amanda.

This week, not a lot of tribe footage. I think the cameramen are tired of fuzzying out whatever it is that hangs down from Amanda's butt cheeks. Personally, I think it's Todd's balls that she found just laying around and pinned on.

Day 33, reward challenge. The Great Wall of China challenge, brought to you by Remington, makers of the 4th Century Repeating Crossbow (we can check "greatest Chinese weaponry" off the government required cultural highlights). So, they did that "who's your favorite" thing of having people put their arrows into other people's buckets. PG gets one, Denise gets a couple, Todd about 3 and Courtney gets 12. Not sure what this means, but they then get to shoot a big board with names on it and that determines who wins. Todd, the big athlete he is, thinks he's the king of the repeater since he gets 2 hits on his name. His 3rd wilts and falls short. Courtney gets up and acts all stupid and basically shoots at Denise and Todd's names. Denise wins reward. Wanna know what you're playing for? A trip to the great wall of china, complete with dinner. Yawn. Funny thing is, I just watched the end of America's Top Model the day before, at the great wall, and my husband was all, didn't they do this last night? haha. Skinny models and 33 day stinky survivors in ripped clothes apparently look a lot a like to him.

I'm wondering if they are gonna skip the "who wins a car" reward challenge since China isn't known for making cars. Maybe "wanna know what you're playing for" will be a rickshaw.

So, Denise gets to pick 2 people to accompany her. She picks Courtney and dumb-ass Todd, after loudly saying she doesn't want PG to get any stronger. PG is totally pissed (and I don't blame her). She and Amanda are left to bond at camp, picking bugs out of each other's hair and other girly stuff. Oh, and they eat a fabulous meal of fish, rice, and sake. More about that later.

Todd, Court and Denise take Survivor Airlines, which apparently has no problem with serving peanuts on board, damn it, to the great wall. Once there, they get to look at the great wall and say dumb shit like, "wow, what a great example of Chinese mastery of architecture". You could almost see the government official holding the cue cards.

Blatantly ignoring the "No Food on the Wall" sign, they sit down to eat. And, of course, they are such a bunch of losers they can't figure out how to cook and eat the food in the hot liquid. Todd call it Chinese Fondue, further insinuating he's gay. NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT. So, they eat, and return to camp and basically bitch about the food, much to PG and Amanda's disgust. Oh, and Denise mentions that they brought back food for them but Todd ate it on the plane. To make matters worse, at one point Todd complains that PG and Amanda must have ate a lot of "their" food while they were away. Does he not know this game ends with a jury picking the winner??

Immunity Challenge: This is the lame one where they have to revisit past challenges. First is the star throwing one, next they have to eat the chicken embryo, third is the hackey sack on a drum challenge and finally, the cut the disks free and solve the puzzle challenge. First challenge, Todd loses and is out of the running. Second, Denise again can't swallow the chick embryo (probably reminds her too much of what they serve on Wednesdays back at school) and she's out. Courtney is out on the drum beating. It comes down to Amanda and PG in the finals, and it is really close but Amanda wins immunity!!

Back at camp they spend some time teasing me that Todd will be voted off, but in utter predictability PG is the 12th survivor kicked off.

Survivor Update 11

Wow, looks like it's going to be an all girl final (and that includes Todd). This week Survivor continued with it's absolute predictability by bringing in the family members for the traditional "wow, how did she/he get such a spouse" event. This week's surprise was that Denise is actually married to a man!

The family members were brought forth. Todd and his sister perform the Johnny Fairplay, "gramma is dead??" move with Todd asking how his teenage pregnant sister is and she miscarried the baby at um, one or two months. Now, in my family that would be cause for celebration.

Who guessed Courtney would have an English father with a stick up his ass?

Reward challenge: survivors and guests have to navigate their way inside a maze blindfolded. Wanna know what lame ass prize you're playing for? A SPRINT phone call from home, a boat trip out on the lake and a huge meal. No shower or bath, unfortunately.

Even with Amanda and her sister speaking to each other in weird bird noises, Denise and her chunky husband win reward. They get to bring 2 couples with them, and Denise chooses Todd and Amanda, leaving a pissed off PG back at the ranch. I really don't get why Denise keeps her alliance to the cool clique.

This is a real reward, with pizza, chicken and other American foods, none of that stir fried duck feet shit they've been winning lately. Guess Survivor has fulfilled it's Chinese Culinary Culture requirement. Denise gets a call from her daughter on the SPRINT phone.

Back at camp PG fumes at missing the reward, and she and Erik attempt to lore Courtney into an alliance. They also discuss the aptly timed miscarriage news.

Winners return to camp, carrying some melted chocolate. Erik gets into licking the chocolate off Amanda's fingers. I think he's seen more action on Survivor that in the past 16 years of his virginal life.

Denise goes off with her husband into the woods and discusses why she is sticking with Todd and Amanda. At basically the same moment, Todd and Amanda are scheming to get rid of her. Oh, that happened after Todd went on and on assuring Amanda that his little sister really was pregnant in an uncomfortable moment when he and his sister try to get their "how pregnant was she" story straight.

After the loved ones leave, Denise stops by PG and tries to make amends.

Immunity challenge: some kind of mud pit and the required Chinese History quiz. Survivors are tied to a rope and have to navigate over and under poles to get to the quizzes, and then return with keys. Basically a lot of wet muddy survivor shots, some really lame questions, and Todd and PG are neck and neck. Todd gets the "The Chinese invented gunpowder" question wrong (he thought it was the American Indians), and PG wins immunity.

Amanda and Erik go out in the boat for a little more finger licking, and Todd rants and paces. He tells Denise and Courtney that Erik has to go. Erik and PG chose to get rid of Todd, and they try to work on Denise. At the tribal council, Denise makes what I think is a fatal decision and votes off Erik, leaving absolutely NO MEN left in the finale.

Survivor Update 10

So, this week started right where last week ended, at tribal council. Jeff excused the jury but said there was some unfinished business. Right away, my stomach got in a knot because when I worked, this always meant one of two things: either it was time for the twice-a-year company wide reorganization, or someone got caught talking smack about the owner. Good thing alcohol still cures this.

Jeff announces they are going right into the Reward Challenge. Bang. It's time for the Chinese-government mandated quiz on Chinese Culture. I already had my hand up with the answer of "Dragon", even before the first question. Wanna know what you're playing for? The winner of the challenge must choose two more people to travel by private jet to the ancient Shaolin Temple, one of the origins of martial arts. I had to copy that line from the website, since I had never heard of the Shaolin Temple, due to my Western-based public education. Apparently, the survivors had a better education because they all knew about it. Or, maybe there was an American Airlines magazine article on it in the seat pocket on the way to China.

Anywhooo, couple of lame questions later, PG is the winner. WOW, that's a big friggin shock that the remaining Asian wins the challenge. PG chooses Erik and Mullet-head to join her. Finally, someone takes pity on poor Denise and lets her play in some reindeer games.

These 3 fly off to Shaolin Temple (I'm gonna try and use this in a sentence today-let's all do it!), where everyone was kung fu fighting (sing with me). Unfortunately, Chuck Norris wasn't there. BUT, shock of all shock, not only did Jean Robert know mandarin, but Denise is studying for her white belt (and knowing her she'll wear it with white shoes after labor day). What are the odds??? The Shaolin monks ask Denise to show the children some American-style martial arts and Denise shows how she handles fat kids who want a second helping of french fries back home. Wham. I was kinda disappointed Courtney wasn't there because I would have loved to see Denise karate chop her in half. PG uses the time to work on Denise to join with Erik and her for final 3.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, James, Amanda, Courtney and the Artful-Dodger sit around and talk about how great it will be when it is just these final 4. Amanda gets a little revolted at the thought of going into the finals with these idiots, so she begins to plot. Todd is really mad at the weather: “This rain is hell when you are sitting in a muddy hole in a swimsuit you have been wearing for a month, hunched over praying for the clouds to go away. I am done with the rain…done.” Wow, that's academy award TV right there. He forgot to mention his wet wool hat. The runner up would have to be Courtney: “The cave is the best thing I have right now. The cave is my happy place. What I don’t like is when everyone and their damn mother decide they like the cave too. Peih-Gee comes sidling up in there and I'm like, ‘I’m going to kill you.’ And then you want to start talking? No get out of here! No talking in the cave!” Oooookay. New rule, no talking in the cave. Kind of like when I was a kid and we had a no wearing pantyhose on your head at the dining room table rule (don't ask).

Denise returns to camp and tells Dodger-Todd that PG wants to vote him off. Todd flies off the handle, kicking shit and screaming, "what a bitch" at the top of his lungs. OK, that only happened in his head but he was really mad. You can't blame him. I mean, imaging on Survivor someone wanting to vote you off instead of just going along with being next voted off.

Erik tries to work on James to join their alliance, but James hates PG too much and blows him off.

Courtney and Amanda hike to Tree Mail and find a traditional Chinese weapon, steel stars with sharp points, plunged into a board with a note attached. Unfortunately the note doesn't say, "Courtney, it's your lucky day. Use the steel star to kill PG", so they are off to Immunity Challenge. While they are walking back, Amanda tells Courtney about her plan to flush out the immunity idols by voting off James. Courtney is too interested in the shiny stars to pay attention and says, "sure".

At the immunity challenge, the survivors throw stars at those bad leaning-on-the-tree cowboy silhouettes in every white trash front yard. I didn't know they came from China. PG is up first and scores a big zero. Artful's up next and scores a 3, and acts like the king of the jungle. Fortunately Erik, James, Amanda and even friggin Courtney score 6 pts knocking him out of round 2. Oh, Kung Fu Denise scores 2.

Second round, Erik scores 3 points and wins immunity. Back at camp, James gloats that PG is finally going home. Amanda tells Todd her plan to flush out the idol by voting for James. Todd is immediately pissed off that someone else had an idea, but he agrees to steal it and call it his idea. At tribal, PG and James go at it and Jeff offers anyone with an immunity idol to use it and James falls silent.

The votes are read and the best piece of Survivor eye-candy is led away.

Survivor Update 9

On to Day 25. James, having escaped elimination wakes up in a fine singing mood. I wonder if I can hire him to wake me up some morning...

Denise doesn't agree with Courtney who thinks a morning without Jean-Robert is Christmas. Doesn't Denise LOOK like a trans-fat serving lunch lady? I mean, why not wear a mullet if you head is gonna be in a hair net all day.

Denise was yet again kept in the dark about the vote and she ain't happy about it. Could be a crucial moment in the game.Todd continues to have something up his butt. And, surprisingly enough, he doesn't seem to like that. He now hates PG. It's not all hate though, as Courtney and Frosti are clearly in lust. Is it me or do they look like a pair of baboon grooming each other?? Ugh. What happened to the mean girl we used to know?

Reward Challenge: The ancient game of Ha Ke Sac, or bouncing a knitted ball around. Another "schoolyard pick", and the teams are: Courtney, Erik, Frosti and Amanda vs PG, Todd, James and Denise. Basically Erik and Frosti run away with the game, getting their 3 balls in and winning the Lee River Cruise. The 4 of them head off to the cruise, with beautiful scenery all around them. Unfortunately they miss it all since they are grubbing on fried chicken. There was obviously more date-rape Aqua Dots served, as Frosti and Courtney continue to groom each other and Erik and Amanda eye each other up. If this guy is a virgin, it ain't from lack of opportunity.

Back at camp, the fireworks are a blazing. PG storms around blaming James for throwing the challenge, which is pretty amusing. Todd is pissed he's not on the reward challenge. He still has an enormous head. PG storms off and gets her 5 minutes probably built into her Survivor contract to act all R rated (get it?), and we get to see her rolling on her back in the lake. Yawn.
The victors return and have to lie about having American food, instead of that damn chinese shit again.

Immunity Challenge: This is a memory one with a twist. There's food for anyone who doesn't want to participate. And, again, these people clearly have not watched Survivor before since a number of them jump at the food with no regard to how arrogant this is perceived. James, Denise, Todd and Courtney chose to eat burgers and fries. Clearly, Courtney's eating disorder is in remission. They grub on the food like crazy people while Erik, PG, Frosti and Amanda compete in stabbing zodiac symbols with a knife in proper order. Erik goes first, followed by Amanda. PG and Frosti battle it out until PG wins immunity.

The puppet master in the Oliver Twist hat continues to mastermind the game (yea, right), and talks people into voting out Frosti and breaking up the Frosti and Courtney alliance. Best line of the show to date comes following Frosti's departure: " I got beat by the tiny flight attendant, the sassy new york waitress and a lady with a mullet."

Survivor Update Week 8

Finally, the long awaited weekly update!!

So, what happened last week? LOTS of footage of James fishing. Daaaammmmnnn. What a piece of eye candy. Notice the fish were even throwing themselves at him.

Jean-Robert is still thinking of the last challenge when Jaime showed up with a piece of wood claiming it's an immunity idol, when Jeff said, "yes, there is an immunity idol in the game but this ain't it". He's ALMOST sure there's an immunity idol in the game. Almost.

Reward challenge: the bucket brigade. Wanna know what you're playing for? A trip to a 1000 year old village and dinner at the Chung King diner. Damn, couldn't they order in a pizza instead?? Survivors are split into 2 teams, and Denise is left unpicked, as PG, Frosti and Erik decide to chose based upon weight. Man, that must make Denise feel good. She's in China in a bad one piece bathing suit, with a mullet and some virgin is calling her fat.

First up, Courtney in one boat, Todd in the other. JR, James and Amanda basically load Courtney's boat up with water as she splashed around with her useless arms saying, "c'mon you guys, stop". Next up, Amanda and Frosti are in the boats. Niether PG or Courtney can fill and throw a bucket of water to save their soul, so Frosti is the first one under. Big surprise.

Off to the ancient city for JR, James, Todd and Amanda, complete with the bamboo tube. I'm guessing everyone was shooting eyes at Jeff to forget about the tube, but they are forced to bring it along and open it up during dinner. JR realizes that this is a HUGE reward, given that they now have clues to the idol. He's unfortunately too stupid to figure out that James has already won a challenge and gotten the clues. I don't think he ever makes this connection. JR thinks they should go right back and look for the "american immunity idol".

Back at camp, PG tries to co-opt Denise and Courtney to vote for JR. I think Courtney has gotten a hold of some Chinese Aqua Dots, because she's all peace and love now, and I think she's hitting on Frosti. The MSG full survivors return and everyone crawls into bed except JR, who stays up all night looking for the immunity idols. Is it me or did they replace the plaques? Cause I thought he pulled 4 of them off and hid them in the bushes.

Todd, who has an extremely large and mis-shapen head (anyone else notice that?), is getting a little PMS'd out, and is mad that James hasn't offered to share the immunity idols. I thought that was kinda rude of him myself. Todd is getting a little unbalanced if you ask me. Perhaps the buff is too tight on his big head.

Immunity challenge: Time to ride the giant dragon. Courtney sits motionless and in a trance for over 30 minutes with a giant moving dragon between her legs. Something tells me this is a typical Saturday night for her. Courtney wins immunity, and when Jeff puts the necklace on her (which I think is made up of chinese bottle caps, and probably full of lead), she falls to the ground due to the weight. OK, this only happened in my fantasies, dang it.

Back at the camp, JR tells Erik he has the idol. Erik tells him, um, no, you dumbass, you're the only one who doesn't know that James has 2 of them. Poor JR, he's so stupid. He confronts James and threatens him that he has to stick with JR. Why? I can't figure out for the life of me. JR lays in wait for the big head boy, and tells him, "dude, I have BIG NEWS- James has both idols". JR thinks they should vote James out and make him use an idol. You would think this would be perfect for Todd, but he gets his panties all in a wad because he thought of that idea DAYS ago, and now JR is having the same idea. That is like, SO UNFAIR.

So just to spite him, Todd changes the plans and they vote out JR, who totally doesn't see that coming!

Survivor Update 7

Ok, so I'm guessing Courtney missed that "everything you need to know in life you learned in kindergarten" book that was out a couple years ago. Oh, yea, she probably doesn't read. Anyway, that girl does not know how to get along with others!! She's mad at Jean-Robert, then she's mad at Todd and everyone else 'cause they won't join her anti Jean-Robert clique. Wasn't she in "Mean Girls Suck?" My favorite Courtney line: "I dislike everyone else more than I dislike Todd and Amanda. I think they mistake that for friendship.” Maybe while she's in the hatch for her anorexia, they can work on her anger issues.
James gets the second immunity hunk o'wood and hides them both in his pants. Fortunately they're big enough... In his haste, he leaves the non-immunity hunk o'the set on the ground, where Jaime finds it and searches through James' pants and feels that he has 2 of them. Being a blonde, she assumes this is an immunity idol lying on the ground, and what with James' TWO, assumes there must be 3 of 'em. Again, DON'T THESE PEOPLE WATCH SURVIVOR????? She talks it over with Erick while laying on the bamboo "bed", but he's so consumed with being in a bed with a hot Christian, he doesn't know what the hell she's talking about.

Survivors go to reward challenge and (SHOCK) find out they are merged and get bad-ass black buffs. OOOOOh. They also get a feast with a TRADITIONAL CHINESE ACROBAT SHOW. When they do this crap, they should have words going across the bottom that says, "see, we're not exploiting this ancient society, just celebrating it". Jeff also warns them, "the game never stops" (cue the dramatic music). Survivors run off to the all you can eat Chinese buffet, with 5 meat and 5 veggie entrees. Wonder if they got soup and egg rolls too.

Hae Da Fung (Black Fighting Wind) is the new name. Me? I woulda gone with Wha Da Fuk.

Jeff shows up at camp. which I think might be UNPRECEDENTED, and proceeds to have the immunity challenge right then and there, with the unveiling of the Survivor China Immunity Necklace. Challenge is the "who stayed sober enough to remember the feast" challenge. Tough questions: “How many times did the fireworks go off during the celebration?” , “The four cultural dancers wore what on their feet?” and "Was that dog in the meat dishes??" Frosti wins immunity!!

In preparation for Tribal, everyone has an opinion on who should go. Jean-Robert threatens Todd to get PG off, Jaime tries to get Frosti back by telling him they have the immunity idol, she also tells Todd she knows who has it and it he saves her she'll reveal all tomorrow (cause she's MUCH SMARTER THAN SHE LOOKS).

Who is the Zhan Hu mastermind-PG or Jaime? Will the unbalanced and hungry Courtney screw Fei Long over? Will there be a dramatic twist and Jean-Robert goes?? MOST IMPORTANTLY: Will Jaime pull out her hunk of wood, thinking it's the immunity idol??

I actually think that may have been one of the funniest scenes in Survivor history when Jaime hands Jeff the "idol", and he gets to say, "there is an immunity idol in the game, and unfortunately this isn't it" while he pitches it into the fire. Wouldn't it be funny if next week, PG and Erick carry all sorts of pieces of the set to Tribal and keep interrupting the vote reading with, "hey Jeff, hows about this piece of MDF??"

Anyway, Jaime is the first person to sit on the jury. Hopefully Erick will join her and they can continue to not have sex for the remaining 15 days.

Survivor China: Week 6

Is it me or did they freakin blow the budget on the tribal council temple, and have to basically pry a piece of plywood off the wall, write on the back of it "this is the immunity idol" and re-glue it back on?? What the heck? How do you walk around camp and to/from tribal with a big hunk of wood in your pocket? Hey, is that an immunity idol in your pants or are you glad to see Jeff??

Todd and Amanda hatch a plan to win the reward challenge and get the next clue for the immunity idol, that basically no one knows exists. Which reminds me, where the heck has Amanda been all show? Talk about under the radar, that girl is basically non-existent. Todd, on the other hand, is the self-designated puppet-master of Survivor China. What a laugh. I know some people like Todd, but I just don't see it. He's a skinny little weasel who thinks he's smarter than he is. I laugh out loud every time they flash his name and "flight attendant" next to it, because you KNOW you would die of thirst on a flight while he flirted with the other male attendants back in the galley. You can just see him saying, "um, NOOOO, we don't have any pillows or blankets for the 7 hour red eye. I gave them all out to the hottie in first class who promised me front row tickets to the Vegas Barry Mannilow show. Plus, what do you expect for $900, comfort??"

Reward Challenge: tribe members will run through a Chinese house, pulling puzzle pieces off the wall, and using a giant cereal decoder ring, unveil a saying made famous by Confucius. To which, Courtney probably said, "is that the guy who produces Survivor that I slept with?". Wanna know what you're playing for? A shared bath, a snack and the opportunity to take a dump in a western toilet.

PG confronts Sherea, who I believe she hated when they were team-mates, and tells her "we threw the challenge for you and Frosti". Yea, thanks for that but I think I'll try to get along with this STRONG, WINNING tribe I'm now on. Zhan Hu, even with a crafty Asian, fails to decode the puzzle, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" and Fei Long wins, kidnapping James back into the fold, which was a GREAT choice, once he steps in the open shower and proceeds to wash his massive butt crack. Mmm Mmm Mmm, talk about winning a snack!

After the bath, Todd sashays up to James and offers to save his life if he shares his bamboo tube. WHOA, this is a family show, Todd!! James opens the tube up and finds out there is an immunity idol and decides to work with Todd the mastermind.

Back at the camp, Todd and Amanda oh-so-smoothly start ripping wood off the set, which immediately gets Frosti interested. Who would have thought Frosti likes to trash public property! Frosti climbs up and joins in the vandalism, knocking the cheap-ass wooden idol off in the dirt. Todd has a hissy fit, further giving it away. Todd and Amanda are forced to bring Frosti into the fold, but then they go around and basically tell everyone about the idol anyway.

There's got to be another Confucius saying about scheming, because it NEVER works right in this game. Fei Long sends James back to Zhan with the big ol' piece of wood under his jacket with a stupid plan to lose the challenge, pull out the idol and then get rid of Jaime.

Ok, now I have to admit I usually don't mind these food challenges but I can't even write the words "chicken fetus" without getting the dry heaves. The teams square off and eat bad Chinese food. Frosti vs PG in a chicken heart eating contest, winner Frosti. Next up Courtney and Jaime and eels. Both chomp them down but Jaime does it quicker. Anyone else notice Courtney's uncanny ability to regurgitate 2 eels as if she does it anorexically every day?? Amanda and Erik up with 3 baby turtles, which I think PETA will once again have a problem with. Erik wins, and Denise is up against James, which one would think would be a slam dunk win for Fei Long. I'll skip how this went down, or didn't as the case may be. Final two-Frosti and Erik chow down on the famous thousand year egg, and Zhan Hu wins immunity.

Back at the camp, the decision is made to get rid of Sherea. Courtney goes on her never-ending tirade about Jean-Robert, and of course everyone ignores her. I'm still thinking you will one day see Courtney and Jean-Robert in a tryst, but for now she's still keeping up the "i hate him 'cause he hates me" front. At tribal council, Sherea tells JR that everyone hates him. Wow, that must hurt. But, in the end, Sherea becomes the 6th person voted off.

Survivor China Week 5

Aaaahhhh, sooooooo. Where are we this week?

I gotta jump right in and say the Zhan Hu tribe has to win the award for the stupidest in survivor history. Did they REALLY think they could pick up 2 strong members from the other team without having to give up 2 people?? Did none of them even THINK it was possible??

Nice little interlude with Jaime and Erik, especially touching to hear Erik has been saving himself all these years to give up his virginity on a national TV reality show. At least, I HOPE that's what's gonna happen. Nothing like hearing a guy like Erik's a virgin to get you to spill your guts on the immunity idol. Shit, I'd have given him my MAC pin code!

And, talk about WIERD moments, did I not hear James say he thought Denise, of all people, was attractive?? What is in the rice out there??? Where in the world would a mullet headed, flash-dance ripped shirt wearing lunch lady be considered attractive??? HOLY CRAP. Me thinks he's been digging graves too long.

And, what's FROSTI's story? I gotta go look it up, I can't even figure out his nationality (Japanese and Russian). The fact that Fei Long thinks he and Sherea are the strongest members of Zhan Hu tells the whole story! Here's a direct Frosti quote ""Zhan Hu and Fei Long just flipped! We’re now 7-5 instead of 5-7, and we have a huge advantage!" Idiots.

Back on Fei Long, James and Aaron are chosen, instead of the expected James and Jean-Robert, which puts JR in a total snit. Frankly, if I had to give up James and Aaron in exchange for Frosti and Sherea, I think I would throw myself in the fire pit.

No reward challenge this week, just the switch and a basket of food and drink for all. The next morning Fei Long wakes up and starts to bag on JR for working, and Sherea thinks she's died and gone to lazy heaven. Frosti, that crafty snowman, thinks JR might be the next target.

Prior to the immunity challenge, Jaime and PG dream up the idea of throwing the challenge to get rid of one of the two strongest members. Yea, you wouldn't want to actually KEEP someone who could win a challenge would ya?

Immunity challenge involving SWIMMING OUT TO A DOCK AND SWIMMING BACK. What a novel idea! Oh, did anybody else notice they had on swimsuits???? Either I was up refilling my wine glass or they didn't even comment on giving them back their suits.

This time, they have to dive down and un-spear 12 signs of the zodiac. Oh, did the chinese invent the zodiac too? The cultural lessons never end do they. Frosti and JR vs Erik and Aaron basically get the disks at about the same time, and haul them back to shore where James, PG and Jaime are waiting. Actually, PG and Jaime are playing cards and doin' each other's hair. Not to be OBVIOUS or anything! These 2 are laughing and screwing up the challenge so obviously even Jeff has to comment on it. I mean, c'mon, an Asian unable to do a puzzle? Who was she kidding.

Back at camp, they continue to act like idiots, laughing and basically giving it away. Erik confronts Jaime who tells him what they did. You know he wants to be mad and vote with the men but, damn she's a hot christian. HEY, notice Jaime didn't say, "me too" when the whole virginity thing came up!

Tribal council. Ok, whatever else happens here I just gotta say, Asians chicks SHOULD NOT try to wear buffs on their heads. It should just be a rule. James hears the girls threw the challenge and says, "send me home". YES, SEND JAMES HOME, NOT AARON!!!!!! PLEEEEAAAASSSEEE. Aaron is voted out. I'm guessing we're gonna see some real chinese fireworks when this tribe gets back.

Survivor China: Week 4

Man, is it me or is the censor going nuts this season? I wonder if, because they didn't get to chose their clothes, the show is being more careful with their modesty? Cause, they soft focused about 1 inch of Dave's butt crack last week, and I can see more than that walking down the street behind a dude with his pants hanging off his hips. Funny that butt crack is out of bounds, but you can show your entire breast as long as the nipple is covered. I've clearly given this a lot of thought, haven't I??

OK, how cool was the Jean-Robert/Courtney slap down? Like, that girl needs a little protein in her system to get over herself. JR told her not to touch the hot pot (maybe because he didn't want to see her holding her delicate little hands up in the air anymore) and she went nuts. I think I would have snapped her in half and thrown her on the fire as kindling. Can't BELIEVE she is still there and not in a ward with an IV in her arm.

Not to be outdone on irrational, we next get to see Sherea and Dave go at it over the moldy rice and throwing out some shells he wants for his mom. OK, that's kinda weird. Buy her a cheap painted porcelain kitty with a waving arm like everyone else does at the Beijing airport, Dave.

Up next, the continuation of our lesson in "what is China good for", we have a reward challenge with fireworks. I actually liked this challenge because it didn't involve swimming out somewhere and bringing something back from the lagoon like 99% of Survivor challenges do. This one looked kind of hard to do, carrying a flaming ball with large "chopsticks" into the "wok" to set off the "fireworks". WOW, 3 lessons in chinese culture in one challenge. Fei Long wins reward, which is chinese takeout delivered by a family. No labor laws in China, that's for sure!! Fei Long also gets to kidnap someone and they take Dave, of all people. Dave gets the "bamboo" (another chinese word!!) tube with the immunity idol clue and shares it with Todd.

Now, I'm sure Todd is a nice guy and all, but I just don't get what everyone sees in him. He seems like a little fairy to me but everyone seems to think he's so smart and trustworthy. Any comments??

Back at Zhan Hu, the losers have to actually get off their asses and do some work. Well, not all of them. Sherea takes it pretty easy. You'd think with all the work Dave did, the camp could go a day or two without a cleaning. Hell, my house is going on a couple months.

So, when the hell did Jean-Robert learn Mandarin Chinese to talk with the fisher-family? I almost dropped my drink when he came out with it. Like, "oh, yea, I learned a bit as a child and, like riding a bike, once you learn Chinese you never forget it." Um, isn't there like 10 bazillion characters in Chinese? I took Spanish for 5 years as a child and can't even remember the difference between an enchilada and a tamale. Not to be a bragger, but I still can ask where the library is.

OK, WHERE WAS PETA WHEN THIS EPISODE WAS AIRING??? Did they really tie strings around the birds necks so they couldn't swallow the fish? Holy crap. Notice they said the strings were loosely tied around their throats. Reeeaaaaallllyyyy. And, now, finally Denise says something ("a lunch cafeteria woman isn't much of an expert of food"), which reminds me I haven't gotten around to bagging on her. What's up with the mullet and the flash-dance outfit??

Immunity Challenge: Warrior's Duel. Possibly my favorite so far, mainly since the contestants HAD CLOTHES ON. Man, I am soooo tired of that bali support bra flapping in my face. But, were those ancient ming dynasty vases they were smashing?? I was impressed, Courtney managed to throw her rocks past her own shadow. Jaime kicked some serious butt (maybe she lived in China and played this in the schoolyard when SHE was a kid??)

Off to tribal council again for Zhan Hu. Lots of back and forth, but it just goes to show you that anal rigidity is worse than being a lazy bitch, as Dave goes back to bartending.

Survivor Update: Episode 3

First off, sorry for the missing episode 2 summary! Good bye Ashley, we hardly knew ya.

Ok, I gotta just jump right to the end here and say, there is one less Christian in communist China today. Anyone hear Leslie's final words? Um, not to knock the whole born again Christian thing, but is it me or do y'all really think the Lord is watching Survivor? Might explain the state of affairs in the world, but still. I just can't see Jesus sitting up on a puffy cloud, looking down and seeing Leslie is a little down and handing her the kidnapping and the special clue. First of all, if he was looking down, he woulda sent a few more fig leaves to this last episode.

Does Jean-Robert look like The Rock to anyone else?? What a character. Love the snuggling and snoring. And especially LOVED the "what's better than a million dollars-a million dollars and sex" comment. Where else but Survivor do you get men REALLY being themselves? Ya certainly don't hear any of that heartfelt honesty on Dr. Phil. I do, however, totally agree with him that Courtney is an anorexic. That chick is too skinny for day 7. They'll be airlifting her off the island before the merge.

And, speaking of Courtney and the anorexia, who else would believe a crab could be stretched to feed 8 people. She was probably looking around for Tupperware for the leftovers.

Hey, when Dave finally gets the boot do you think I can hire him to do a few chores around my house. DAMN, what woman couldn't use a man like THAT. And, PG, what's up with her and the nagging. You'd of thought she didn't want him to get too tired for sex or something. OOH, Dave, don't chop those little nuts, you'll waste your strength.

Reward challenge-a little man on man and woman on woman action going on. Damn, this is some good TV. How do you suppose you get the job as pixalator on this show? Maybe Jeff does it himself, although I wouldn't want to look at some of those bodies more than once. The Victoria Secret Angels Runway show it was not. Let me just ask the men here, why would you dangle yourself out in a wrestling match?? I mean, doesn't that just give your opponent a handle to grab? Or is that the point (wink wink).

Zhan Hu wins reward, and in an ironic twist, their reward comes with Leslie, who gets the tube of immunity clues. Is it me or do the others not ask anyone HEY, WHAT'S IN THE TUBE??? Once at their camp, the tribe sings Kumbaya and everyone is dunked into a pool of water to root out the real Christians, who float. Ok, I made that part up but this Christian thing gets on my nerves. Since Leslie was busy "showing the love of Christ", I guess she didn't realize she was spilling her tribe's guts. Leslie gives Jaime the immunity clue, lest it get into the hands of a NON-BELIEVER. Jaime can't quite find the idol, but I think tomorrow she's gonna put on her tinfoil hat and better direct God's words.

Immunity challenge. I think the challenge had to do with chopping ropes to get heavy wooden disks, assembling them and then dragging them over the finish line. But, basically it became a challenge of how long Courtney could roll her eyes and whimper about doing work. Man, she is so damn annoying. When she finally saws through the rope, the rest of her team HAULs ASS to make up for her. Unfortunately, it isn't enough and immunity goes to Zhan Hu.

At this point, I was SURE Courtney would be going, especially since she then spent the next 20 minutes of show time holding her limp useless hands up in front of everyone's face. Instead, the vote goes between Leslie and Jean-Robert, with Leslie sealing her own fate by rambling on about the other tribe's heart.

Survivor China Episode 1

Man, it's a little hard getting back in the swing of it, my head is full of comments! First of all, notice tonight that they have tweaked the soundtrack of SURVIVOR CHINA to reflect that this is a MONUMENTAL UNDERTAKING, NEVER ATTEMPTED BEFORE. Having 16 people actually LIVE in China for 30 plus days. Man. Wait till the 50 bazillion Chinese find out their lives are just one big reality show. I totally can't wait for the Tiannenman Square challenge. And if anyone knows how to spell Tiannenman, you get a gold star for the day.

Ok, so the music is a combination of that African chanting but with a Chinese accent. Kind of haunting and yet simplistic.

My man Jeff is looking dimpled and hot. I was a little disappointed by the safari outfit. I kind of expected him to be in chinese attire, maybe a little velvet hat with a tassel, or a collarless jacket. And some silk elastic waist pants. Ahhhhh.

Where was I? So, you knew when you saw them walking in with tons of luggage that they weren't gonna get to keep any of that. Is that for them to do their hair after they're kicked off? Or don't these people know they are going on Survivor, where you wear the same thing for 30 days. Like, "hey, I think they changed the rules this time and we get to have electricity and change out clothes every day".

So, first lamb up to the slaughter is the christian radio host, Leslie. Um, did you NOT just hear Jeff say the is NOT a religious ceremony at the Buddhist temple? And, did she really say when she walked out that "I'm not really religious but my religion says you can't worship anyone but one God". Yea, they really give those christian radio talk shows to people who are NOT REALLY RELIGIOUS. Good one. Kinda spooky that she hooked right up with the grave digger though. And, can I say that the grave digger is pretty cool. I just may have to take that cremation thing outa my will.

Courtney! Chill girl. Even without the buddhist ceremony, you ain't gonna get to sit under at tree and drink lemonaide until your ass is kicked off this show.

Teams are split into Zhan Hu, meaning Fighting Tiger and Fei Long, meaning Flying Dragon. I was kinda hoping for Chow Mein and Stir Fry as the tribe names for ease in the pool.

First up, the shelter game, which is when all the personalities come out. And believe me, having been recently house hunting with my husband, it ain't just in survivor that the whole shelter fight takes place. Let's see who can, in one day, annoy more people with either anal stubborn tendencies or laziness. Couldn't you just suck it up for one day and say, "just let me know where you want me to hammer in this big stick for ya". I swear these people are all socially retarded in some ways.

Challenge time. I'm guessing the dragons had to get SAG cards, since I can pretty much guarantee that you will see a dragon in every darn challenge. And OH MY GOD. After this challenge you can BET Jeff called Mark Burnett on his honeymoon with Roma and said, "Dagnabbit, get Nike to send us some sports bras and shorts or I'm off this show"!! Holy Bali Underwire, Batman! There ain't enough pixilation for Sherea.

So, blah blah blah, Team Feng Shui ends up victorious and gets fire. I asked my husband where the beaches were. And he laughed and said, "honey, this is China, there ain't no beaches". Huh.

Ok, enough about my marriage. Back at camp, Team Zhan Hu (yea, I had to go back and look it up) compete in the final, who is a bigger a-hole competition, with Chicken in the big hairy chest taking on PG, a local favorite (get it?) in the tight-ass face. Ashley is a close vomiting third.

Final vote? Bye bye Chicken. Back to the farm!