Survivor: Is that a crack???

Wow, so we have just one more episode before the finale May 23??  How many people are going into the finale this year?  It seems like there are still way too many people left!  Who do we want to win?  I am 1000% team Donathan!!!

So last update we had the double elimination with Jenna and Michael going to the jury (note to self, catch up on Ponderosa).  Everyone wants to know why there was an extra vote and Kellyn admits she had it and used it for 2 votes against Lauren.  Lauren is pissed off at her, and says although Wendell and Dom stuck up for her, it really is every man for himself now.  

Reward Challenge and grab your hankies because it's the family visit reward.  Probably because of liability insurance involved with letting Aunt Patty do any kind of challenge other than making up a batch of fried chicken, the loved ones just watch this time.  It's an obstacle course that ends with throwing a sandbag on a small round cocktail table.  

Family members are:

Wendell-Wendell Sr who is the "original Wendell"

Kellyn's older incredibly geeky brother, Clay

Don's fantastic Aunt Patty in her pink go-to-church scarf accessory

Angela's daughter Page who talks about how much her mom has been away as a military mom

Chelsea and her sister Sydney

Laurel's big brother

Sebastian's totally hot sister Grace

And Dom's 100% Real Housewife of NJ wife Kristen. Who is wearing an 80's inspired pink camisole tucked into her jean shorts.  She says that SHE HAS BEEN IN AGONY.  Jeff jumps right on that but the agony is.....she hasn't been able to "tawk" to him for 36 days.  

The challenge comes down to Sebastian and Dom, and Sebastian wins the challenge.  He gets to take ultimately 3 people and he chooses Dom, Wendell and Donathan leaving the girls all out in the cold.  Then he gets to chose who to send to Ghost Island where they will get a certain game advantage, and if his group doesn't get it one of the girls gets to chose who gets it.  Sebastian offers it up and Wendell takes it.  

The girls are left high and dry and return to camp PISSED OFF.  

On Ghost, Wendell gets Malcolm's second chance advantage to use on the same challenge-balancing a ball on a cylinder, and holding the cylinder with 2 smaller cylinder pieces.  Malcolm an extra shot at the challenge and blew it, and I am already guessing the challenge loser Wendell will suffer the same fate.  

On reward, although Dom would love to cuddly with his lil jersey tomato he decides it's the opportunity for the 4 to come together and bond.  Dom says he is committed to them and Miss Patty says that's a sacred bond now with her.  Privately Donathan thinks that although they are all making plans, those 3 are the greatest threats in the game, and he doubts he could beat them, so he feels like they need to go.  

On camp, the 4 girls are PISSED OFF.  They're whining like crazy' "they get everything good, and now Wendell gets an advantage without the chance of anything bad happening to him.  it's NOT FAIR!!!  MARSHA, MARSHA, MARSHA!!!"

And then Kellyn and the ladies figure out that since they are all together and pissed they need to make a plan to take out one of the men.  Kellyn conveniently decides to use Lauren and bring on Donathan (being one of the girls and all) to take out either Dom or Wendell and Lauren is having a hard time trusting her after being stabbed in the back.  

Immunity Challenge.  And as I predicted Wendell could have 5 second chances and still lose.  Dom ends up beating Donathan for immunity.  

Kellyn declared that the happy Navidi family has come to an end-it's now all about Lauren and Donathan and who gets their votes.  

Wendell is pissed that he blew an opportunity with his Dad for nothing.  Coulda told ya that.... He also has decided they need to get rid of Chelsea because she is a challenge beast.  

The girls are deciding which of the boys to get rid of because they have too much power.  They talk with Don because "he will work with us".  Since Dom has immunity they decide they want to blindside Wendell.  And Chelsea reiterates that it needs to be a blindside.

Dom and Wendell want Chelsea.  Wendell is concerned because he isn't getting the "we're the only black people left" good feeling from Lauren.  

Lauren and Donathan talks about who they want to align with.  They are concerned that Dom and Wendell are just going to start steam rolling everyone.  

Tribal

Kellyn says, yes Jeff, there was a bit of fallout and bad feelings because I attempted to screw over Lauren, but now she's my bitch

Donathan bangs the door right open by saying that indeed there is an opening in the Navidi Nation tonight

Wendell is all WHAT THE FUCK??? And looks at Dom who is also clueless

Dom admits he is indeed all shook up

Kellyn says that there is usually a tribal truth bomb from Donathan

Lauren announces that indeed there is a crack in Navidi Nation and they have found it and hope to capitalize on it.  GAME ON!!

Everyone is suddenly shitting bricks.

Chelsea is suddenly nervous and admits she is clueless as to what has changed

Donathan says that BOTH of the girls and they guys have come to them-"there's the cracks"

Dom figures out that perhaps he was too blinded by his wife's lingerie to realize it wasn't a good idea to leave the ladies alone without access to that chocolate cake with the french cookies on it (did you think I would NOT mention that cake??)

Wendell says that Donathan doesn't hold his tongue and they have to deal with the fallout

Kellyn says that the family visit kicked her off of her path and with the small number of people left everyone is running multiple scenarios every minute

Chelsea says it's like a big game of bumper cars-who will get out of your way and who will come right at you.

Jeff is ALL THE HELL OVER THE BUMPER CAR ANALOGY. Expect that to be a lesson in the Survivor college course

Dom points out that right now people are resume building and it's not a good idea to wait to make a big move, since someone else might beat you.

Donathan says it could be a blindside tonight!

Vote....any idols........Nope.

Wendell gets the 3 ladies votes but Chelsea gets the blindside with all of the men and Lauren voting!

Jeff:  There's a crack......now what???

Survivor Double Shot

Hello!  I almost forgot I had to do an update this week.  And it's apparently not just me that thinks this season is dragging and needs a poke in the ASS, last week we had a double elimination night to get this moving.  I can remember years when I rushed my Mom out the door on Mothers Day to watch the finale but we still have 10 people lounging around the camp.  

Previously on Survivor, Desiree YET AGAIN was trying to get rid of Kellyn and got caught.  So, she, Dom and Wendell orchestrated her ouster.  Laurel is also part of this secret group.  

Michael thanked Laurel for saving his ass once again.  Kellyn, never one to let go of the NAVIDI STRONG flag still doesn't trust Lauren, even though she saved her ass.  

Curious-they always show Iguanas climbing stuff on Survivor yet no one ever catches or eats one.  Is it me or are they not allowed to eat land animals? Why not spend a few minutes not lounging on the bed and set up a little trap for a critter?  Someday they truth of this show is going to come out and you will all be forced to admit I was RIGHT that there is purell on the backside of every tree,  And the camps are fenced in so no animals go in or out, nor do any Survivors go anywhere else but their beach.  

Next we have a bit of Don and Wendell snuggling, which looks like it's totally staged and Dom is half assed laughing at the things he has to say.  Dom says they are good friends BUT.....  Dom also is apparently the only one who questions whether or not there is a new idol on the camp.  And since he says he basically knows every inch of the beach he goes out and BAM finds a coconut with a logo burned into it.  He opens it up and it's a fake idol (Jake made it and Jay tried to use it if you care-frankly I am sick of the history lessons).  Anywhoo this little fake idol apparently did not go to Ghost Island and grow up to a real idol BUT the clue says that the opportunity lies in your ability to fool another player, I guess by leaving it laying around for someone else to find and THINK it's real.  

And, BANG WE ARE AT IMMUNITY CHALLENGE.  Show of hands, who else looked at the clock and said, "hmmmm, it's pretty early for an immunity challenge..."  Sooo, there is a twist.  Survivors will be divided into 2 teams, and will compete as 2 teams with each going to tribal separately.  2 eiliminations tonight.  The challenge is one of those stamina things-they have to hold on to a lever that holds a ball in place.  The random picks of course split so each team has a majority of Navidi people, so there is a pretty good possibility of getting rid of 2 Malolo's.  Teams are:

First up

Michael

Laurel

Dom

Wendell

Kellyn

Second Team

Chelsea

Sebastian

Angela

Jenna

Donathan

For the first team, Dom wins immunity, second team Chelsea wins.  The second team is first up at Tribal so the other team will know how the vote came out.

Dom says that it should be easy to put the votes on Michael and finally get him off.  Michael talks to Donathan, asks Don for his idol, just to borrow it for his tribal and Donathan says NOPE.  I was afraid he would fall for Michael's big city ways.  Michael decides to go around and try to convince people he has an idol anyway.  He goes first to the always hysterical Kellyn and tells her.  She is of course all FREAKED OUT and believes him , even when he says that he is with you FOR THE REST OF THE GAME.  Kellyn tells Michael not to show it to Laurel.  

Kellyn also runs with her hair on fire to Dom who tells her to make Michael show her the idol or it's not real.  She continues running around telling people that she's scared and they should instead vote out Laurel and keep Navidi STRONG.  She also tells Wendell this, not knowing about his alliance with Laurel.  

Wendell tells Laurel who is upset because if Laurel has an idol then she would probably go home.  She thinks that it's finally time for Dom and Wendell to protect her and vote instead for Kellyn.  Kellyn still has her extra vote which she decides to use on Laurel.  

On the other side, lazy ASS Sebastian who I really cannot believe is still there, says that it's 3-2 so one of the Malolo is going home.  They decide it's Jenna but they tell her it's Donathan.  Jenna comes up and says "I assume it's me" but they tell her instead that they are all getting rid of Donathan but he has to believe it's Jenna.  Jenna goes crying to Donathan telling him she loves him and hates the thought of leaving him.  Donathan thinks may be he can play his idol and save her.  He tells Jenna to vote for Sebastian, and that he is going to use his idol for her. Jenna is thrilled, and calls him an idiot for doing so.  

Tribal 1

Don agrees that the 2 tribals have shaken things up at camp, 

Sebastian says Malolo is at the low end of the stick and there isn't anything they can do.

Jeff points out that while that is true, there are still more Navidi on the jury than Malolo's

Jenna isn't even trying to plead a case, says there are no cracks so let's vote.

Jeff calls her on her lack of even trying to persuade people.

Sebastian agrees that it's very interesting that she isn't even trying to save herself.....

Donathan says that there are always tricks up people's sleeves

Chesea says that there is a 3/2 split so if people vote wrong a Navidi could go home.

Donathan points out that the 3 Navidi won't want to rub the other Navidi's the wrong way so it's def him or Jenna

Jenna again says, I'm ready let's vote.

Vote.....Donathan plays his idol for.....himself.  

Donathan 1

Sebastian 1

Jenna 2 and an angry Jenna goes directly to the jury.

Tribal 2

Laurel says that Navidi always plays the same game

Dom points out that they have the majority on both tribals and have been lucky this whole season that way

Wendell agrees that it's that simple

Kellyn says that in Survivor the easy move is rarely the right move and she is scared

Jeff says something about animals and prey and that all eyes are on the prey

Dom says that while Michael has a strong history of finding idols he doesn't believe he has one

Michael says that if he did he sure wouldn't show it in advance

Jeff asks Laurel if she is prey #2 and she says she is and that her game hinges on their read of Michael not having an idol

Jeff starts to ask Kellyn if this isn't one of those times that you dream of playing Survivor but Michael and Wendell start having a secret powwow 

Kellyn points out that neither she of Laurel is included in the discussions

Vote-Kellyn uses her extra vote:

Kellyn 1

Wendell 1

Laurell 2

Michael 2

The jury figures out there is an extra vote.  They revote and Michael is finally voted off.  

 

Hello!  We have some catching up to do!  I was away and forgot to ask one of you clever people to step into my shoes!  So today I watched the last 2 episodes and 3 things come to mind: 1) It is very likely I have called Jenna Libby, or Kellyn.  Or gotten Angie wrong.  Because after all of this time I still LITERALLY cannot keep these nebulous boring blondes straight.  2) I am finding this season very boring-is it just me?  With the exception of Donathan I just don't like anyone-and to me Donathan is just sitting around looking like "is this it??" because he is also bored.  And 3) any notion I had that after the merge I did not need to keep remembering who was Navidi and who was Malolo is out the damn window.  

So just to remember, and for my own good in writing this up here's a reminder:

For the former Navidi:

Angela          

Chelsea           

Desiree            

Dominick          

Kellyn              

Sebastian        

Wendell         

And the original Malolo we have: 

Donathan        

Jenna            

Laurel            

Libby           

Michael         

But within that we have a second alliance with Dom, Wendell, Laurel and Donathan who goes both ways.  

Ok, so we are now post Chris, and Libby wants to know why she keeps getting votes.  She thinks she needs something to improve her game.

Dom is THRILLED that Chris is gone and says he can now die in peace.  He realizes he might have looked like too strong at Tribal and how he pulled off the Chris exit so he is all "I had total respect for the guy but HE was coming for me" contrite.  He decides he has to walk his bullshit level back and lay low for a while.

Wendell is rebuilding the kitchen.  He has his secret alliance with Dom, Laurel and Donathan but he is suspicious of Laurel who he thinks is a bit hesitant.  He needs to make her feel secure so he tells her his big secret of having an idol and promises her final 4.  And as usual, all this does is make Laurel suspicious because she didn't know he had an idol and is a bit pissed that this is the second time she's been in the dark.  Wendell though tells Dom that she's 100% with them.  

Reward Challenge:  2 teams, there's a floating bridge, slingshots and they have to knock down 6 targets.  Wanna know?  An afternoon of eating tacos and margaritas at the Survivor Taco Hut.  Also, as an added bonus a definite bought of raging diarrhea so stay away from the bottle of habanero hot sauce!

The "purple" tribe wins, consisting of Wendell, Laurel, Donathan, Chelsea, Libby and Angela.  Jenna gets sent to Ghost with a rock draw.  

Ghost Island:  NOT TODAY.  Jenna gets nothing.

At the tiki hut Wendell congratulates everyone and is happy that he has a chance to possibly improve things with Laurel and to bond with Donathan.  Angie brings up the "epic" tribal and Libby asks why she keeps getting votes,  Chelsea explains that it probably has to do with how close she and Michael have been.  Libby again decides she has to MAKE A MOOOOOVE.

At Camp, Michael decides that Chris was an easy vote and he needs to build his case.  He talks to Angie about how worried he is about Wendell and Dom, says Dom is powerless without Wendell so he suggests Wendell needs to go.  He also tells Angie that the girls don't trust her and she decides it's time to stir the pot.

Angie goes to Chelsea and Kellyn and tells them what Michael said about them not trusting her-she wants to start a war and be the victor standing among the bodies in the end.  She then stirs the shit with Dom and Wendell, telling them what Michael said and that Michael wants Wendell gone.  Wendell thinks that this tribal they might finally have a common easy vote at tribal.

Immunity Challenge- and it's the disgusting food challenge.  The first 2 rounds are fish eyes and Michael, Des and Laurel move on as do Angie, Sebastian and Dom.  3rd round is 3 large beetle larvae. Michael, Sebastian and Angie move on from here.  Next up is 2 giant sea slugs and Michael and Angie move on with Angie basically deep throating a whole slug.  The final competition is between Michael and Angie and is a big plate of the meat of mother of pearl, which I guess is some giant clam thing.  Angie literally dances her way to immunity while Michael asks to finish his just because he has the chance.  

Michael thinks his plan to blindside Wendell is coming around nicely.

At camp, Desiree says everyone is agreed on Michael but Chelsea thinks they need a backup spit in case he has an idol.  They think by using Laurel and Donathan they can split the vote between Michael and Libby.  

Michael talks to Don and Libby and say if they split their vote between Michael and Libby then Malolo can basically chose who to vote off.  Donathan asks Michael who he thinks should go and he tells them Wendell.  Laurel thinks it would be a resume builder to go with Wendell.  Donathan and Laurel discuss whether to stick with Malolo or to join Navidi in their plan to split the vote.  Donathan is worried about letting the Malolo numbers get too low and then being eaten by Navidi.

Dom tells Libby the plan is to vote out Michael, and then Donathan tells her the plan is a split between her and Michael.  She's like, What???  Isn't sure who to believe. Kellyn tells Dom she can't read where Donathan and Laurel are headed.  Wendell is a bit worried.

Tribal

Angie talks about going into the challenge feeling left out of many conversations and needing to take charge by winning immunity.  

Sebastian is still impressed the way she downed that phallic sea slug

Don talks about the past few days everyone going off to have conversations and forming alliances.  Says he's not sure there is still a strong Navidi or Malolo bond anymore.

Desiree says if you aren't considering big moves you are already losing

Jeff asks Dom about the "new format" at the finale which is confusing to me but I guess means that they now have the ability to be asked questions and provide rationalities.  Not sure if that is anything new so perhaps they know of some difference this time around.

Wendell talks about how all of the big dogs that take people out end up with a target on their back

Michael is asked about people getting too many steps ahead of themselves and he says he is thinking of only tonight's vote.  He says too many people are getting too comfortable and not making the moves they have to.

Laurel says something about people getting too comfortable, and she says that while Navidi still has power not everyone is on the top.  She suggests those at the bottom use them while they are still here.  

Wendell says it is always hard to convince people that they are at the bottom

Dom says you can't trust anyone because of all the bullshit going around.  He suggests some people might jump ship

Kellyn says it makes no sense to jump ship as Navidi still has the numbers over Malolo

Michael says that you can sit on a timebomb for too long.....

And with that bit of wisdom it's time to vote.  Michael plays his idol and does a long winded explanation of whose it was which is just freaking boring.  Michael gets 7 votes, Wendell gets one.  Libby goes home with 3 votes.  

Aaaaand, another week!

Everyone is apparently HANGRY.  Desiree is HUNGRY.  And about to meltdown.  

Desiree is NOT ABOUT TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO.  She knows the plan is to be Navidi strong and finally get rid of Michael but she is at the bottom and wants to shake things up.  She wants to use Michael to take out Kellyn, then to get rid of Wendell and Dom.  her plan is to pull Angie and Chelsea in.  Is it me or has Desiree been playing some other game all along? I mean, she kept voting Libby no matter what anyone else was doing.  She clearly has an issue with other women....

Reward Challenge:  2 teams, one person sits out.  2 people paddle around and rescue the other 3 from cages.  And there are keys.  And PUZZLE PIECES.

Wanna know?  A ride in a helicopter to a bluff and SANDWICHES.  Donathan isnt picked and has no chance at a sammie.  

There are actually extra puzzle pieces but the orange team of Michael, Sebastian, Chelsea, Kellyn and Jenna win.  They draw rocks and Angie goes to Ghost Island.  

Michael says that he is a big target but the reward is his chance to find cracks in Navidi.  He starts with how this is THE BEST MEAL EVER!!   And then smoothes on to offering himself up as a loyal vote since he's on the bottom and powerless.

Sebastian and Chelsea are like, "you never know....."

Kellyn sees this and thinks her plan to get Michael off next is on track.

On Ghost Island, Angie gets to play the game BUT chooses the wrong bamboo tube for a lost vote at the next tribal.  

On camp, Donathan asks Laurel if she's open to working with Des and she says that she feels safer with Dom and Wendell.  Laurel tells Dom that Des is trying to rally people against him and Wendell, telling him she is trying to get the Navidi girls to flip.  Dom thinks he has to do something.  

Dom tells Kellyn that Des wants to take out her, him and Wendell.  Kellyn doesn't believe it.  Says Chelsea can't possibly be against her.  She says that she, Des and Chelsea are tight so someone is lying.

Michael is worried that they are eager to get rid of him so he decides to find an idol.  He ends up looking with Donathan for it although thinks it's a bad idea to share an idol.  Donathan finds Scott's idol and we are treated to a long winded explanation as to who Scot is and why the idol has unfinished business.  This idol needs to be combined with another one hidden under the shelter.  Don is as anxious as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs, and he enlists Laurel, Jenna and Michael to cover him while he pulls the idol out.  I literally can't believe he got away with the keystone cop routine.  

Immunity challenge:  balance a ball on a disk holding 2 ropes.  Chelsea wins immunity.  

Des is happy that Kellyn lost immunity so she can put her plan into place.  Kellyn approaches Des and Chelsea and asks what happened, says Dom told her that they were gunning for her.  Desiree is FURIOUS and denies it saying Laurel is making shit up.  

Desiree confronts Laurel with Don and others around, telling her "you screwed up my plan", but then she sees Wendell nearby and yells at Laurel about her making up a story about Kellyn.  Des also confronts Dom and denies saying anything about him. Wendell and Kellyn.  Says she is on board with a Malolo going.  Dom talks to Laurel and is like, WTF??  They think she is trying to flip.  

Laurel and Jenna tell Kellyn that Des really did say she wanted Kellyn out.  

Des keeps denying it and saying they are tight.  Kellyn is confused but thinks it's not the time to blow Navidi up.  

Dom talks to Kellyn and tells her he wants Desiree gone for targeting them.  Kellyn says she wants Michael NOW.  WE'RE CALLING THE SHOTS NOW.  Dom tells her he thinks Laurel is telling the truth.

Tribal

Donathan tells Jeff the pressure is terrible and it "was lit today".  He says Des was LIT.

Desiree says there are fireworks whenever you hear your name.  She says the source was Laurel and since she doesn't beat around the bush she went to the source

Laurel says Desiree attacked her in front of the tribe because SHE was caught in a lie

Desiree WHAT LIE???

Laurel says that Desiree told the Malolo 4 that Dom, Wendell and Kellyn were running the show.  Said that she, Chelsea and Angie are on the bottom and want to make a move

Donathan says something like "I seen it"

Des is losing it and says she's only gonna say this once....I NEVER SAID I WAS ON THE BOTTOM

Donathan is all "mmmmhmmmmm, Honey

Jenna says that she approached them to get rid of Kellyn

Michael says that initially Des approached Laurel to yell at her about screwing up the plan but changed her story when Wendell walked up

Laurel agrees that's what happened

Desiree yells to Laurel YOU ARE ON THE BOTTOM AND YOU ARE STILL ON THE BOTTOM

Dom says every single person will walk up to you and swear they aren't lying

Wendell says that he is listening to see what the real story is

Michael says he still isn't comfortable

Don says this is the one opportunity to shift the game which is why he is PISSED because he knows what was said. HELL YES, THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE

Laurel says there is one shot to change the game if Navidi believes what is happening but they are all a cult

Jeff sounds like it's a perfect crime

Kellyn says she understands what everyone is saying but she is trying to figure out what is best for her.

Desiree says, let's just GET TO THE VOTE.

Vote (Angie has no vote)

Michael gets 2 votes and Desiree is THANK THE LORD voted out.  

So basically this week was all about who is the alpha male.  Chris vs Dom.  All day, all night, every minute of the episode is just one giant pissing testosterone all over the island thing.  Oh, and talking about pissing testosterone all over the place let me give a personal shout out to my dog, who is a NEW CHAMPION, Ch. Blacfriar's Casey Jones!!!  Yes, I am now that kind of a mom.  hahaha.  

This week was also about how many platitudes we can say in one hour.  I am getting out my bell and ringing it every time someone uses a phrase that has been scripted for them.  Because this week starts out with DROP YOUR BUFFS WE ARE MERGED!

It's now an INDIVIDUAL GAME (DING)
I'm now THAT MUCH CLOSER TO WINNING (DING)

It's like CHRISTMAS MORNING (DING)

We now have an EVEN PLAYING FIELD (DING)

Personally I am so freaking glad it's an individual game because I no longer have to keep track of who was Navidi and who was Malowlow.  We are now all Lavita, which isn't a brand name of an erection medication but should be a drug for low T.  

So it's lunch and new black buffs.  Dom gives a speech and my toes curled.  All about treasuring new relationships and renewing old ones.  Barf. 

 Chris gives a rap and I give no crap.  bom chuka bom bom.

Dom is totally annoyed at the rap.  Later Chris finds a clue in his buff that asks if he wants to RISK taking a boat to Ghost Island at night in order to get an idol.  Hell to the yes, yo.  He's a risk taka, y'allls. And the whitest person ever on Survivor.  

Dom and Wendell and a few others talk about whether or not to start out Navidi strong.  Most everyone wants just one night with a reprieve from blindsides and they just want to get rid of a Malowlow.  Dom isn't sure because of Chris.  Wendell tries to be a peace broker and brings Dom and Chris together.  Dom does an apology for that first day when he insinuated Chris had made a bad choice and asks if they can work together.  Chris is all asshole, "I haven't made up my mind...can't say yes right now".  Then a conga line of everyone else goes by with a bottle of something and Chris jumps up and is all "YO, can I get me some of dat??"  

Chris tells the camera that he's too suaveeeeey to fall for that.  

Dom and Wendell decide the gloves are off now.  

That night Chris sneaks off to Ghost Island saying he's "pretty clutch actually".  Which I think does not mean he's a purse without a handle.  He gets the idol that JT left at camp during a tribal when he felt safe and was blindsided.  The idol is now good for only the next vote but Chris can play the game and chose between bamboo tube pairs, 5 pairs with one half of the pair extending the idol one more tribal, or the other side costing him his vote at the next tribal.  Chris goes for it and extends the idol to another "week" but loses his vote at the next one.  He "def isn't gonna be THAT GUY who goes home with an idol in his pocket".  

The next morning Dom comments that Chris is cranky and tired and issuing orders at people.  Dom says "that SOB wants me gone".  And is it me or is there more cursing this season?  Survivor used to be more of a family show....

Chris tells people that Dom has an idol and they need to extinguish it.  Everyone is kind of amused because most of them know the idol Dom showed Chris is a fake.  Desiree says some thing about the only way to get him to use it is to blindside and Chris is all defensive since he never got the chance.  He says Dom is a LOSER, IDIOT, JOKE.....

Meanwhile Dom talks to the blonde girls I can still not keep straight-Jenna and Libby.  In actuality they are team Chris, thinking that although Chris is a target, he isn't a liar like Dom.  They're all pleased because "we have the control and the power now".  

Immunity Challenge

Stand on a bean while balancing a statue on a long pole.  Kellyn wins immunity.  She is pleased although "lines are truly being drawn in the sand tonight"

Chris goes to the water well with everyone but Dom and Wendell and talks about getting Dom and Wendell out.  Because of the idol he things they should split the vote.  Someone says that Dom and Wendell want Libby gone.  I can't figure out anyone at the water well because basically no one argues with Chris, who states "how is that not a great deal for everyone!!"

Dom and Wendell realize everyone but them have left camp.  Dom decides Chris has to go because of his out of hand ego.  He tells Wendell, "let's put together the numbers".  Wendell tells Dom he has an idol and offers it to Dom, who has, what, 3 other ones himself?  Dom is all, "I don't need to see it".  

Dom starts telling people to vote for Chris.  I'm a little concerned because he has no tact about who he is telling.  Donathan tells him NOT to tell Jenna and LIbby.  Wendell talks smack to Sebastian, telling him they know they are splitting the votes.  He tells him, and Jenna/Libby that it's time to chose as a side.  

The girls (Kellyn, Chelsea, Desiree and Angela talks about how the boys are going at each other and have lost sight of what is going on.  Desiree wants her pick, Libby, to go home and she tells the girls to vote for Libby.  

Dom says THIS IS MY MOMENT (DING)!

Chris says he's not sure if he needs to use his idol but there is BLOOD IN THE WATER (DING) and time to GO FOR THE KILL (DING DING).

Tribal

Chris says the game  has fully kicked in and he feels MORE ALIVE THAN EVER

Donathan is happy to have met everyone and says there are so many different connections happening

Jeff asks Sebastian (who has stayed out of the testosterone spraying) if his gut is telling him what to do and Seb says TOTS, MAN!!  He also says something, something DOUCHE, something something.  

Dom says he is re-assessing all the time and then proceeds to tell his version of the day one Chris story again.  He says Chris engages in interrogation not conversation, then he mentions finding and idol

Chris is all, oh how convenient he just found an idol.  Yes, asshole, because he LOOKED FOR ONE.

Dom pulls out the fake idol and puts it on.  He tells him he showed him the idol and couldn't get his love so now it's a SHOWDOWN

Chris says he showed him the idol but then goes into the ancient Angela vote history again.

Wendell reminds him that he jumped on Malowlow and blamed them for it when it was his own tribe

Chris says his gut says he can't trust Dom so he's totally cool with a SHOWDOWN

Angela says there were conversations that Dom and Wendell weren't privy too and that she thinks there are several plans going on.  She's just rolling with the majority.

Chris says there were talks and he was the leader

Jeff asks Dom if he is afraid everyone is against him and Wendell. Yep.

Libby mutters something about the STAKES, how there are 13 of them now, and bonds, alliances, trust but THE STAKES ARE HIGH (DING)
Kellyn says that the first merge tribal is always cuuuurrrrraaaaaaazzzzyyyy and she's glad she is safe.

Chris says you never know but he has developed trust, key alliances and he has GUT INSTINCTS.

Time to vote.  Anyone have an idol??  Dom gets up and says, not this one..... but he pulls out the legacy immunity and uses if for himself.

Libby gets 2 votes from Desiree and Angie, and Chris leaves with that unused idol in his pocket with all remaining votes.  Wendell say YOU'RE TRASH.  PUT THE MIC DOWN, BRO, USE AN ERASER.

Chris becomes the first member of the jury and please enjoy his shitty rap:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE3DLW6SQwU&feature=youtu.be

Sometimes it just has to be a boring, predictable Survivor.  So let's get through this one.  Apparently it's getting so boring that we are getting another DROP YOUR BUFFS tonight.

So, yes last week's tribal was very exciting when Michael lied about his idol being a double idol, and chose to protect Stephanie.  Unfortunately the Bradley led army voted for Brandon.  Bradley says it was a giant wake up call and he is happy his tribe stayed strong.  Michael tipped his hand that he is a strong player and is now a threat.  Michael realizes this and apologizes for the whole tribal saying he was just trying to survive.  Bradley is hoping next tribal that his group has the trick up it's sleeve next time.  

And we are right into a challenge.  They have to leap over tables, move giant sandbags to reveal a lever that when pulled gives them smaller sandbags.  They have to transport the smaller sandbags and then throw them at this interesting twisty thing that when unspiraled raises a flag.  There are 3 flags.  Wanna know?  MORE FREAKING FOOD. Seriously it's ridiculous.  Dominick is all OH THANK GOD BECAUSE I AM STARVING.  Says food is scarce and they are really struggling.  Pfffffft.  They seem to get food every time I watch!  

Chris is a throwing machine, literally I think both teams stop and just watch him kill it.  Sebastian on the other hand can't hit anything and isn't it like the 3rd time Sebastian was in the throwing position and failed??  Chris wins them the reward.  He also mentions he was a pitcher in college.  Watch for more throwing challenges to be added in, especially if Chris makes it to the merge and individual immunity comes into play.  YOU HEARD IT HEAR FIRST FOLKS.  They draw rocks and Stephanie goes to Ghost Island in her Lularoe's.

Stephanie on GI is worried because time away from camp leaves one vulnerable.  She does the Break the URN thing but gets the "NO GAME FOR YOU" message.  I guess you have to break the urns in order? 

Chris wants the chocolate pastry but is all "but whatever you decide..."  People are now, HE'S A ASSET.  James, the non-swimming athlete, thinks having him with his side makes their odds better.  

Donathan gets upset at the coffee and pastries and goes off to be sad.  I actually feel for him because as my Dad got older and worse, eating sugary things became a real treat that he liked to share.  Ok, so now I'm sad too.  He tells Laurel that he is sad because it reminds him of home, and that he is the caregiver for his mom and mawmaw who has had 2 strokes.  He talks about how guilty he feels for leaving for a month and she reminds him how happy and proud they will be sitting on the couch watching him on the show.  COME ON, CAN WE JUST GIVE DONATHAN THE MILLION DOLLARS NOW?????????

Chris sees him upset and wanders over to talk, sharing HIS story about his mom who is in assisted living (she has MS) and how he goes and takes care of her.  He talks about how she was told she had 2 months to live when he was 17 (she recovered) and he tells Donathan he admires his courage.  Yea, I don't have much to say about that because they are BOTH freaking heroes in my book for that.  It works on Donathan though who I think was leaning towards the Wendell/Dominick side along with Laurel but who now is rethinking that.  

Immunity Challenge:  another water one.  Race across a floating bridge to undo what no doubt are puzzle pieces, then ride a boogy board back to shore via the other teammates cranking a wheel pull.  It looks seriously like fun.  Ok, then they do one puzzle to release a combo lock, and then another slide puzzle.    No big shock, purple wins immunity and orange is back to tribal.

And now we have about 20 minutes of trying to edit the show to make it seem like this isn't a total slam dunk.  Michael goes first saying he is backed into a corner and would vote out Steph or Jenn in a heartbeat.  

Jenna thinks flirting with Sebastian will protect her, and Sebastian is looking for a hair-braiding whore so she is in luck.  She talks about how her bitch face hurts her chances but frankly I think it's the TOTAL LACK OF ANY PERSONALITY that does her in.  

We then have lots of boring drama about who to send home, Steph, Jenna or Michael.  I finally figure out who Chelsea is-literally I think she spoke her first words tonight.  Des thinks Steph is most strategic, and I think it's Kellyn and Angela who are like, OK.  

Stephanie makes an attempt to talk to Bradley, sucking it up.  She spends literally the rest of the episode talking about her 2 kids and how she can literally SEE herself accepting the million dollar check and them all being excited.  

Bradley thinks either Michael or Stephanie.  Michael appeals to him, says he's helpless and asks to be kept around for the challenges.  He's "locked and loyal",  He also gets his 5 minutes of camera crying face time.  

The group meets up again and Des reminds people that they don't know what happened on Ghost Island, or whether or not Stephanie found an idol.  She searches Stephanie's bag and finds nothing.  

Tribal

Kellyn tells Jeff that they have spent the day deciding which of the 3 are going home.  Says that literally one sentence could have made the difference

Steph says she is worried about that since she missed time off the tribe at GI

Bradley comments that Steph might have gotten something at GI

Sebastian is like, it's pretty simple DUDE, we just gotta get rid of one of those 3

Michael attempts to add a little interest to the tribal saying, "you need to win challenges to keep your numbers up"

Kellyn points out that there are a lot of ways to define strength.  (Seriously how freaking many times do we have to hear this???)

Bradley agrees but also says that Michael showed strength with the fake idol thing

Michael explains that his alliance was real and he was trying to keep it alive but says he is willing to be just as loyal to them

Stephanie goes back to the THIS IS MY DREAM, as if it isn't the same dream everyone else on the show had.  She talks about her kids and how she has more "game in her"  blah blah.  

Jenna finally says SOMETHING and it's how she puts on her bitch face, and puts up a front but in this game she is learning to be a real person and make relationships.

Jeff asks Sebastian about keeping her to help her become a better person (because ya know that's what this whole game is about.....) and he says "it kills me to vote anyone off DUDE".

Michael also says he's been a lifelong fan and it's hard when you get the chance to play and it turns wrong...

Desiree is as freaking BORED with all of this as I am and she's like, YES WE HAVE A CLEAR PURPOSE AND WE ALL KNOW HOW THIS IS GOING TO GO DOWN.  Can we freaking stop this nonsense tribal and just VOTE FOR CHRISSAKES???

So they vote .  Des 2, Steph 5.  Bye Steph.  

Hello and welcome to our Survivor update on this very shitty and snowy day. If you are lucky to not be in the snow, you are lucky enough to probably win the pool this season.  Right about now I'd PAY to go live on a beach and sleep in a bamboo shelter.  I mean, shit, they get tons of food this season and apparently were able to bring a suitcase of clothing changes.  What happened to the ONE LUXURY ITEM??  Half of the time I can't keep these women straight because they keep changing their clothes.  

So, if you remember when we last chatted, the purple tribe (which basically has gotten about 90% of the air time this season) had just had a blindslide and sent Morgan home.  Domenick was pushing for Angela to go as a way to target his rival Chris.  The former orange tribe 4, however, stuck together and got rid of Morgan.  Dom and Wesley sit together and discuss their ass kicking.  They admit to the ass kicking and admit that they made enemies along the way.  Wendell proclaims it a disaster and to cheer him up Dom admits to having a real idol.  Wendell is kinda like, sooooo you lied to me, which Dom blows off as a WHO DOESN'T LIE ABOUT AN IDOL!  Mwahahaha.  Apparently Wendell buys it and they believe they now have a chance to "shake things up" and break someone away from the orange 4.

Angela is pissed that she was targeted, says Wendell and Dom stabbed her in the back. Proclaims them WOLVES.

The next day Dom finds the legacy idol in his bag from Morgan.  Again, can't be used until there are either 13 or 6 left.

Reward Challenge:  It's a water polo fight club thing.  They are literally my least favorite challenges.  Wanna know?  MORE FREAKING FOOD.  Winning tribe gets bread, peanut butter and jelly and milk.  They also get to send someone to Ghost where they will throw pottery with Patrick Swayze and break a little clay pot.  The Ghoster will return before tribal.

Again I hate this challenge so blah blah blah, purple wins.  They decide to go to rocks to pick the Ghoster.  While Jeff is handing them out Kellyn gets a speaking role this week and says "Ghost is my biggest survivor fear".  So of course she gets the white pebble and a trip to see Whoopi Goldberg.  Jeff is on her statement like white on rice and she goes all "there are no coincidences...everything happens for a reason...."  

Once on Ghost, there is no pottery wheel, dammit, and she admits her fear is about being alone.  With cameramen.....   She does the break the urn thing and ooooooh it leads her INTO THE FIRE.  Once at the challenge she gets a choice to play for an advantage or give up a vote.  Since the numbers aren't great she decides to not play in order to not risk it for the tribe.  Pansy.  "The Survivor Gods gave me the rock but I have to trust my gut".  And then she rambles on about life and the changes she has made and blah blah blah just to keep the camera person around.  

Over once AGAIN to the purple tribe who are eating sandwiches.  They ask Chris if he got to play the Ghost game and he says no.  Later Chris and Angela talk and she tells him what happened at tribal.  He gets pissed because he sees the votes for Angela as against him.  Chris thinks there is an opening for them to jump over to the Orange 4 so he rushes over to Donathan, James and laurel and starts telling them they should work together and how much he likes them. Basically coming on like a loser half an hour before closing time.  Donathan and James agree that Chris was certainly feeding them stuff.  

Donathan talks to Laurel about which she prefers, Chris or Wendell and they both agree that they like Wendell better.  

Laurel, who is an  ivy league grad and a big deal athlete, talks to Domenick and tells him she wants to stay with him and Wendell.  She indicates she can bring Donathan along.  He tells her he has an idol.  They agree that they can OPEN THIS GAME UP.    Domenick sighs that he again has life.  

Immunity Challenge:  It's another water one.  They have to swim out as a group to a cage, climb over it and unleash a chest at the bottom.  Drag the chest to shore and them out it on this track and pull it, bringing in more track as they go.  Once at the end, there are balls inside the trunk that they will throw on a slim platform.  It's actually a unique challenge and THERE IS NO DAMN PUZZLE.

Orange is way ahead, getting to the ball toss very early, yet purple comes from behind and wins immunity!  Wow!!  We might get to see 10 minutes of the orange tribe!  It's a HUGE comeback and Jeff gets to say thinks like NEVER EVER GIVE UP!!  IT'S NOT OVER UNTIL IT'S OVER!!!  Personally I like IT'S NOT OVER TILL THE FAT LADY SING, but they really don't like fat people on this show.  

It's somber over on Orange except for Bradley who is happy because they have all of the power.  Steph tries to talk to him but he's all "it's 5-4, suck it up".  Steph doubts anyone will crack so she goes into her soliloquy about being a single mom, and how she wants a better life for her kid, and how she wants another day on Survivor and all I can think is HEY ARE THOSE LULAROE LEGGINGS??  And, really, why didn't anyone else ever wear leggings on Survivor because it's freakin brilliant.  Stretches so won't fall off when you get skinny (that's why I have so many pairs.  hahahahahah), keeps the bugs from crawling up your bathing suit bottom and biting your cooch, light yet warm.  Seriously, brilliant.  Anyway, she has the sads. 

The other people, who I LITERALLY CAN'T NAME, are talking about who to get rid of.  They discuss whether someone might have an idol, and they discuss targeting a strong male because they will assume they'll want to keep the men and target one of the girls.  Chelsea is all for going after a man.  So it's  Brendan or MIchael.  Bradley doesn't like Brendan because "he's like a Dad who gives terrible pep talks".  Bradley is all arrogant because he thinks he's an awesome smart lawyer and smarter than the rest of the people.  

Brendan and Mike talk and decide they are screwed, even though they have an idol.  Steph and Jenn are sitting around sad and Michael tells them he JUST found an idol.  Time to MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN.  They decide they want to go for Bradley and try to get someone to flip.  

Tribal Council-it's night 12 yet some of these people still haven't been to tribal.  FIRE REPRESENTS YOUR LIFE.....

Sebastian, are you feeling strong?  Tooootally, dude.  We're like TOATS  strong and we have the edge

Desiree- yes Jeff it's been AAAAAAWKWARD having these losers in our midst

Stephanie comments on Bradley's "little alliance"

Bradley says that Steph has been totally obnoxious making little snipes at him all day.  I tried to talk to each of them but "more as a babysitter".

Michael points out that his little alliance is strong only because it's never been tested at tribal.  He points out that Sebastian and Chelsea are at the bottom. Tells Sebastian that Bradley is totally never going to take him to the end. 

Bradley points out that they are a strong alliance of 5.

Steph:  GOOD LUCK BELIEVING THAT

Chelsea says they are just "throwing spit at the wall" which I don't really think is an actual expression

Jeff asks Desiree if it's really that simple

She starts to answer and Mike says MAYBE NOT and pulls out his idol.  He explains that it's actually double immunity and says all of them are voting for Bradley

Brad tries to talk down the ringleader stuff and Chelsea says this changes things

Mike extends and offer to anyone who wants to cross over and join them

Sebastian says it's certainly something to think about.  

Mike states that this could be the night, as you are all voted off, that you look back and wish you had made a move.

Time to vote.  Michael plays the idol for himself and Brandon.....no wait.  Stephanie.  

In the end, no one flips and they chose Brandon who is voted off.  

Hello, and welcome to this week's Survivor update!  We begin after Jacob is sent packing his hairy nerdy self home.  James is still blaming himself and taking the Korean way of ownership for his failures.  

And we start right off with C'MON IN GUYS!!!!  Donathan returns from Ghost Island and Libby still thinks they have the best tribe ever!  Which means it's time to DROP YOUR BUFFS!!  Basically, all of those blond girls who I can't figure out who they are, are now on different tribes where I still can't figure out who is who.  

It's a pretty even split.  9 on each tribe, and each gets 4 from Orange and 5 from Purple.  

New Orange

Jenna

Steph

Brendan

Michael

Desiree

Sebastian

Kellyn

Bradley

Chelsea

New Purple

Donathan

Libby

Laurel

James

Dom

Chris

Angela

Wendell

Morgan

Over on Orange, the former Purple tribe members can't stop mentioning what a hellhole the camp is.  Brendan apologizes that they just threw stuff together.  Dude, you are in the freakin jungle.  I don't even apologize for my shit hovel and lack of cleaning when people drop in.  One of the blondes says it's like when your friends have a really ugly baby and no one wants to say, "YOUR BABY IS UGLY".  Brendan starts getting annoyed, especially at Bradley. 

On Purple Donathan is FLOORED at the camp 'cause he ain't even seen a double wide this nice.  2 fire pits AND a great view!!  Seriously I think he just made a deposit on the "house".  

Chris jumps right out into asshole mode, realizing that although they have the numbers, he doesn't trust 3/5 people from his old tribe.  He jumps all over Angela telling her she has to STEP UP HER GAME and he tells her that Dom has an idol.  Angela doesn't like how he is ordering her around, and she's in the military and USED to being ordered around.  

Chris tells James and Libby about the idol and says Dom is your typical New Yorker who can't be trusted and needs to go.  Libby says she'll play dumb around him but she won't play dumb.  

Sunrise on Orange.  And the bitching continues.  Bradley is bitching about how cold and dirty it is.  Stephanie is smart enough to know she has to sniff out a crack and re-align herself with the other people.  At the well, Kellyn basically tells them they are screwed, so Jenna and Steph run off to find an idol.  Soon all of the orange tribe is looking for the idol and Michael finds it.  It's James' old tile idol, which is not easily hidden in one's pants.  Blah blah blah James went home with 2 idols in his pocket blah blah blah.  CAN YOU REVERSE THE CURSE???

On Purple, Morgan and Dom talk.  Dom thinks Chris and and Angela going to turn and they have to rope in the 4 orange players.  Morgan and Libby bond over their Catholic-ness, tells Libby not to worry.  

Immunity Challenge

Run over ramp walls (which makes my poor ankle hurt)

Dig up a big ladder in a sandpit

Use the ladder to untie a rope

Use the rope to climb a wall

Puzzle

Wanna know?  A tarp.  

Right off the bat my LOSER massive Korean athlete James can't do the ramp run and has to join the ladies in a second attempt.  The purple tribe ends up at the puzzle first and Wendell and Laurel start doing the puzzle.  And then Kellyn and Bradley smoke them and win Immunity for the orange tribe.  They get to decide on who to send to Ghost Island-it has to be unanimous or rocks are drawn.  Donathan is suggested but someone dissents and rocks are drawn.  Chris goes to GI and can't GOD DAMN IT be voted out.  Dom says that that SOB is lucky.  Morgan is FREAKING OUT because it's now a 4-4 split.

Tough man Chris is spooked on Ghost Island.  He's missing tribal and playing his BIG ROLE.  He smashes the urn and gets NOPE, NOT TODAY.  He's also scared and homesick and cryin' like the freakin BABY lil Donathan never was.  He tries to cover with a story about his mom having MS for years and I'm like DUDE, SAVE IT FOR THE FINALE.  

Back to purple, it's a scramble. Angela believes that her teammates are going to follow Chris' plan to vote out Domenick but she decides she doesn't want to vote out one of her original tribe mates, instead believes in loyalty,  She'd rather have a tie and do rocks.  Wendell checks in with her to see what she wants to do and she tells him she'd rather go to rocks than vote for Dom.  Wendell isn't interested in going to rocks.  Wendell suggests Libby but is uncomfortable about Angela's devotion to Chris.  

Wendell talks to Morgan who says she can bring Libby along.  Morgan says she trusts Libby way more than she trusts Angela.  He tells Laurel, LIbby and James.

Dom goes on a campaign to save his ass  and begins by showing Libby, James and Desiree his fake idol, only this time he has replaced the real note with a tree mail note.  He tells everyone Chris has been gunning for him since day 1 and tells them this is the FAKE NEWS idol that Chris has been telling people about.  He swears on his kids life he is with them.  

James doesn't buy it-especially the swearing on his kids thing.  Dom wants them to vote Angela, which they think means he is voting for Angela, which means if they use all 4 of their votes they control who goes home (because Angela can't vote for herself and it freaking took me waaaaay to long to do that math).  James thinks Dom is the second coming of Russell Hantz.  James suggests Wendell or Morgan and Laurel wants to keep Wendell for strength.  Libby argues because of her catholic bond with Morgan and because you can't vote your catholic buddy off during lent.  Libby thinks it frankly would be easier to go for Angela.  

Tribal

Morgan say each 4 is solid.

Wendell says yep, Purple has been in the kitchen all day talking, and Orange has been in the den,  Some one needs to crack.

Dom says he slipped out of the kitchen because he doesn't want a 4-4 split

Angela says she also talked to other people.  Says she's torn between the popular vs the right decision for her.  Says she felt pressured.

Dom asks her who pressured her?? He is uncomfortable with her response

Angela says Chris pressured her, to which Morgan says Chris isn't here

Dom says he is all for new relationships and interested in listening to other positions

James says it isn't all the beautiful picture being presented. He says the 4 might not be strong

Morgan says actually we could all be lying

Jeff asks Libby if lying is OK and she basically says how funny you asked the nice girl about lying!  She's OK with lying-it's the game

Morgan says even though she is sweet and innocent, everyone lies

Wendell hopes someone busts a move and at the end of the day we need to come together and work together.

Vote.  Any idol?  Nope

Libby 1

Angela 3

And Morgan goes home with 4.  

Someone busted a more!

Welcome to Survivor Ghost Island!  Lots of little twists and turns to come.  This season, instead of bringing back old used up players, they are bringing back their unused idols and I'm gonna guess recycling a bunch of old challenges.  Ghost Island is a "graveyard for bad decisions".  Wonder if Jeff's botox will be there?  "Reverse the Curse of the Relics".  

Everyone gets off the boats and Jeff announces that 1 bad decision can haunt you forever.  Let's hope Ghost Island doesn't have AIDS or syphilis!  Teams are already split between orange and purple.  I'm sure they also have names but as you know, NO ONE REALLY CARES ABOUT THAT.  It's an immediate challenge and Brendan (orange) and Chris (purple) are picked to represent.  They have to chose 2 people, one for physical and one for a puzzle.  One person races to dig up keys, the next uses the keys to unlock puzzle pieces and solve the puzzle.  The first team gets a fishing and shelter kit.  The losing team just gets the shelter kit.  There is also a timer and if at anytime a team thinks they aren't going to make it they can forfeit the game, keep their fishing gear but the other team gets 20 eggs and flint.  Jesus, I hope the challenges get easier because it took me 5 minutes to get that right.  For some reason, 10 seconds into the challenge the 2 men are already "tired".  hmmmmm.  Anywhoo, Chris forfeits for Orange while both women were still working on the puzzle.  Domenick is already hot italian annoyed.  And everyone gets maps and sent off.

Over at the orange tribe Jacob says, BEST TRIBE EVER.  Michael introduces himself as a 23 year old real estate investor but he's actually 18.  Doesn't want to be targeted as the youngest.  Gonzolas is from Puerto Rico.  

Aaaaaand we get to meet Donathan, who I am sure some conspiracy theorists are saying was put on the show just so we people like me can make fun of the good citizens of the rural heartland of America.  Could be but it ain't gonna stop me from mocking a guy that has to have closed captions because you can't understand 2 freaking things he says.  Donathan is a gay guy from Kentucky, who aint findin any other gay men in Kentucky.  Honey, you could go to San Fran and prolly still not get a date.  I mean, if I was a gay man in Kentucky?  I'd play straight to keep this guy away.  He's all excited to meet new people and latches onto Lauren as the first african american he's ever met.  He thinks James is exotic-I guess because of the slanty eyes.  

Over on the purple tribe we get to meet Kellyn who was a good girl who got tired of being a good girl, divorced her husband, went to grad school and threw it all away on a reality tv show.  She's now "livin for me".  Sebastian is probably supposed to be some hot guy with abs but meh, he's not doing it for me.  He's a fisherman so Domenick calls him SeaBass.  Domenick is a construction ahole, who says he used to be 

270lbs.He's probably 250 now.  Says he straightened up for his daughter.  

Sebastian and Chris bond over their love of Florida and they are now BFFs.  Neither is a fan of Domenick.  

On Orange, Jacob is kind of "unusual".  I'll leave the clinical diagnosis to the professionals.  He somehow gets his shoes washed away in the surf.  I didn't notice but I think he has shoes on in the challenge.  Anyway, he's thinking he has a target on his back because the "pretty people will gang up.  He asks if anyone thinks there is an idol, and then disappears for about 3 hours which is kinda stupid.  Everyone else is all "we're gonna sing kumbaya and not do that whole idol thing.  Bad Jacob for trying to use the idols present in the game!  

Everyone goes to look for yams (?) and Jacob who loves Survivor and has been watching since he was 4 decides to dump all of the rice in his dirty sock on the off chance there is an idol in the jar.  Gross.  

Purple:  Wendell (local PA dude) is a furniture designer and is sitting around making a crap trap.  He is also a graduate of U Penn law who gave up the suits and is now a freelance furniture designer.  You GO Wendell!!!  Domenick gets good vibes from Wendell.  

Sebastian, in talking with Wendell says Domenick is the one to get out.  Wendell takes that info to Dom who says it was actually probably Chris that said that and there is a coalition against me.  Big Battles ahead.  

Immunity Challenge

Race over a net bridge

Open 2 bags of rope

Pull a puzzle sled

Do puzzle.

Purple comes from behind and wins immunity and flint.  Jacob says, whatevs we are still THE GREATEST TRIBE OF ALL TIME.  Purple gets to send one person to Ghost Island, and that person will also miss tribal and be safe.  They chose Jacob who asks like his big plan worked.  "I want to see what ghost island is all about".    Jenna says, darn, that's who we were going to vote off first.  

On Ghost Island, it's like a cheesy shore town mini golf course.  All of the old "relics" are there and Jacob is geeked because all of the former snuffers are there and HOLY FUCKING SHIT people actually know what the old snuffers look like????  There's aboard of mini urns and like the EAT ME sign in Alice in Wonderland it says SMASH THE URN.  He does and there is a note saying "follow the fire down the rabbit hole".  It's a GAME OF CHANCE and he can chose to play.  If he wins, he gets an advantage, if he loses he forfeits a vote next time.  Of course he chooses to play and there are 2 bamboo chutes to chose from , and one in the middle that needs a key.  He opens the one of the left and gets the key.  Inside is the secret legacy advantage that I guess Sierra never used.  "Restore it's power by willing it to someone on the other tribe".  He chooses Morgan because she's spunky and will be around at the merge he thinks.  

Back at Orange Gonzolas is telling everyone how she would have won the puzzle which annoys Donathan.  Donathan tells people they should vote out Gonz.  Gonz of course targets Donathan and says he's too weak.  Stephanie talks to the gang about Donathan OR Gonzales.  She thinks although Donathan is weaker he is usable. For example if they need someone little to shove into a small space.  LOL.  Gonz is a strategic threat.  

Tribal aaaaaand the torch is your life bullshit.  

Stephanie is smiling because it's now GAME ON

Gonz says Ghost Island is exciting because it's unknown.  She says Jacob is special and is probably looking for idols

Lauren says the goal is to keep the tribe strong, but there isn't just one definition of strong

Donathan agrees that he is probably scrawny and screwed.  And having a little trouble following this strange new language everyone is talking.

Stephanie says Donathan is only screwed if people go for strength.  They could be going for social strength, because lets be honest he's KILLING in the social skills department.

Donathan says that he's been building relationships since he's never been out of Kentucky.  Seriously, is this guy for real or is this a bad act??

Gonzales brings up the fact that she could have killed that puzzle

Brendan says he didn't know she was a puzzle killer

Somehow through the magic of editing, Jenna starts talking about alliances.  She thinks right now there are just big groups not individual alliances.  

Mike says that right now the alliances and loyalties are unknown so it's been more like who was around for the discussions and decisions

Gonzales is kinda upset about this and is worried she missed something.  She gets up and starts whispering to people and soon everyone is doing it and then it's TIME TO VOTE

Donathan gets 1, and Gonzales is the first blindside.  She leaves in a stirring quote from the 45th President of the United States: "SAD"

Aaaand on to episode 2.  

Everyone is sleeping except for Domenick, whose steroids are wearing off and his paranoia is waking up.  He needs to make a move NOW.  Because week 2 is definitely time to blow things up.  He goes out searching in the dark for an idol and FINDS ONE!!!  In the dark!!!  With only the lights from the freakin camera to help!!  So, now he can take even BIGGER risks!

On purple, everyone is wondering about Ghost Island and if there might be advantages there.  Morgan gets the legacy advantage in her bag, and it lists who had it previously so she knows it's from Jacob.  She can use it when there are either 13 or 6 people left.  She's a tad bit worried because "I have a really big mouth".  

Jacob has a plan to say he got an idol so he makes a fake one.  They're all eating sea cucumbers when he skulks back into camp.  Hey, who's missing??  Let me tell you all about Ghost Island and you can tell me what went down.  He shows them the idol and says he doesn't believe in idols, he's really not THAT IDOL GUY (even though they know he spent every minute looking for one).  He promises he will play it next time to get it out of the game.  Brendan asks where the note is that came with it and Jacob stammers a bit about "forgetting it".  Which Brendan doesn't buy for one minute because this nerdy hairy nerd probably has a box at home with all of the Survivor stuff he's bought on the online auctions after every season.  You know, the one he keeps with him in his parent's house basement bedroom.  

The tribe decides to make him comfortable in case it is real, and Stephanie decides to work on him.  

Domenick is showing everyone his "power snatch" technique. Or is that snatch and jerk?  I'm going with jerk.  He decides he wants to talk to Chris and tells him they have misread each other and "I just want to work with you maaaaan".  Chris asks him if he has found an idol and Dom kinda stammers, no way.  Chris says that's good to hear since we are all building loyalty here and I'd hate to think you're lying to me already.  Dom runs off and makes another fake idol, wraps it in the real note, and them confesses to Chris that he did find one and he's willing to share.  Which makes no sense because he shows Chris the fake idol IN THE REAL NOTE, which is just the same as showing him the real idol.  I guess at some point he is hedging his bet that he can give Chris the fake one to "save him"?  Chris is just more convinced not to trust him because he lied first, and something "just doesn't add up",  He still wants to eliminate him.  

Immunity Challenge:

Go over obstacles in the water

Release buoys

Gather the marked ones

Basketball.

Wanna know?  Winners will get the last season's Jeff Probst "luxury comfort collection" available at JC Penney's.  

It goes along until we get to the Donathan and James dynamic duo, neither apparently can swim.  I mean, yea I can see Donathan being afraid of even taking a bath but freaking JAMES at least looks like he's athletic!  James puts on the swim mask while Donathan goes and sits on the deck.  Literally James is too afraid to even dunk his freaking head under the water.  As time goes on, Jeff starts yelling helpful advice like, "THIS IS WHAT YOU CAME HERE FOR, YOU PUSSY".  Or maybe that was me?  Anywhoo. They all start encouraging Donathan to give it a try for the team.  Donathan says "I caint"  or at least that's what the closed caption says.  The continue on him and he finally gets in,  puts on the swim mask and HE DOES IT!!  It's just like in Thomas the Tank where the little engine pushes the bigger one up the hill!  What a moment!!  Better than any come from behind moments on the Olympics. Jeff yells out "OUT OF NOWHERE A HERO HAS EMERGED".  LOL!!!  

Unfortunately, over on the other platform, Desiree-her tits literally falling out of her top, nails the basketball challenge and the purple team wins.  Like, chick, when you get the Survivor gig GO GET A NEW BRA WITH SOME SUPPORT!  Holy shit they are gonna need a lot of pixalation this season for those jugs.  

Jeff asks Donathan how big an accomplishment it was and he says something like blah blah huge, blah blah nevir in my waaaaldest dreams blah blah.  And then he gets sent to Ghost Island.  

He's very nervous of ghosts but like the little gay tank that could he climbs up to the platform and I gotta give Joanne Stadnicar props for correctly pointing out he is LITERALLY Kate McKinnon playing Jeff Sessions on SNL.  He sees the "Smash the Urn" thing, smashes the little urn but gets "Nope, Not Today".  He brings his little note back to show the tribe, and then builds his first fire like the lil' mountain man he is.  He's "har ta win"!  

James immediately says he's sorry, he sucked and he promises to make it up to everyone.  Says he's been an athlete for years (I'm guessing his sport might be ping pong).  He talks about how back in Korea his parents always told him to be the best.  He's lucky his parents didn't teach him hari kari.  

Brendan thinks Jacob is still the real target. It always amazes me that those big strong dudes always have to target the weaker ones.  Stephanie slithers up to him and works him with "no one wants to start playing the game like you and me want to".  "I KNOOOOOOOW!!!"  She decides the way in is to talk Survivor Geek strategy and says she thinks Michael is a big threat.  "SAAAAAAAAME".  He totally falls for the flattery and the fact that a real girl, with out an blow up nozzle, is talking to him.  He tells her the idol isn't real AND he tells her about the legacy idol, including how he gave it to Morgan.  She's all "geeeeeeet out!!!"  And they decide they will be the beauty and the hairy beast alliance.

Stephanie then starts to think, hmmm, maybe in addition to the skinny Donathan to use for small spaces, I might want to use this dumb as a post kid for other things.  She tries to convince Jenna he's a good thing to keep around and Jenna is kinda horrified but maybe.  

James, Jacob and Laurel talk and Jacob, thinking he has Stephanie and Jenna in his pocket thinks it might be time to flip the vote.  

Brendan sees Jenna and Stephanie talking a lot and he starts to wonder if they are pulling a double cross OR a double double cross.  Michael is nervous.  

Tribal

Jeff asks James about sucking at the challenge. James is all yes it was a disaster and I let me athletic self down

Stephanie says, at least he tried.  Although, yes, we lost because of him 1000%

Jeff asks Jacob about Ghost Island and he says he told them everything, including how he got an advantage (notice he doesn't say idol here)

Libby confirms that he did show them his idol

James says Ghost Island means there is an information imbalance because Jacob is the only one who has been there

Jeff gets his rocks off on the term "information balance" and will be including it in his college Survivor course lectures

Jacob says he was welcomes back into the tribe and repeats BEST PEOPLE TO EVER PLAY SURVIVOR

Jeff asks Stephanie something about Jacob's confidence and she says that she also is a glass half full person

Jacob says oh no, he's really a paranoid nutcase but he has to use bravado to fight his fears.  AS IF NO ONE KNEW THAT

Jenna, who they tend to go to to completely change the subject says this tribal is different because there really are alliances being formed

Jacob says it's more about loyalty and alliances this time around, although he admits this could also be total bullshit

Micheal says that the last vote was unanimous but 2 loses back to back means they need to change direction

Brendan says that Survivor votes have become less about just physical time around and Michael, who forgot they were trying to bamboozle Jacob gets all upset.  Hmmm, but I'm only physical.....

It's time to vote and Brendan whispers to Michael "I think we are getting set up"

They vote.  Idol??  Nope

Michael 1

James 2

Jacob gets 4 and is voted off.  But at least he has a fake idol in his pocket!