Wow, sorry it's taken me a week to write this. I was SO SHOCKED at Parvati winning that I jumped up, hit my head on the bookcase and have been laying unconscious since last Sunday. Good thing my husband ran out of clean underwear and came to find me or I'd still be there.
We start with a loooong recap, and reminisce about the all girl power/hormonal alliance. Lots of "let's stir the pot ladies" which is getting on my nerves and it's only 8:05. Ok, ok, you're witches. But we already knew that months ago.
Parvati and Natalie have a heart to heart, Cirie and Amanda spy on them from the beach. Cirie is getting a little paranoid. The four girls set off, ready to face each other in the challenge. Jeff is in shorts again. daaaammmmnnnnn.
Challenge: this is the perch on a log, raise a key, swim to shore, unlock a chest with ladder rungs that are some kind of puzzle pieces. Oh, wanna know what you're playing for? Personally I'm hoping it's a night of wild probsting, but alas Jeff is still sticking with that former Survivor tramp of his. Actually this is an immunity challenge. First one up on the platform WITH THEIR LADDER RUNGS INSERTED CORRECTLY wins. Natalie gets her key first, followed by Parvati. They rush off to the beach. Amanda gets her key, confirming once again to me that the presence of Cirie's breasts hinders her in challenges. Cirie gets her key.
Natalie gets an early lead with the ladder but Amanda wins the challenge and immunity. Back to camp and Natalie and Cirie both try to figure out where they fit into the final 3. Lots of scheming goes on. Most of it is boring. Hey, anyone else read in her biography that Natalie was once a missionary? Wonder if she saved or corrupted?
Tribal council, pretty standard "wow, I'm really worried these bitches will blindside me" talk. Cirie comments that it's scary wondering if it'll be a 3 person final or a 2 person final, and whether if it's 3 she'll be at the bottom of the totem pole. For some reason, Amanda gets her back all up on this and they have a little 'we've been spending waaaay too long together' spat. Natalie enjoys the show. In the end, though, the lone fan is voted off.
Back at camp, Amanda has a hissy fit, fights with Cirie (who is the bottom of the 3 person totem pole, frankly), cries about how she came right to Micronesia from China and hasn't had a decent American meal in way tooooo long (unless you count Ozzy...).
Next morning all is forgiven and they decide to let the chicken out. I forgot about the chicken. Clearly there is way too much food in Survivor these days. The chicken hangs around camp waiting for the next hormonal explosion. And, it comes pretty quick as they go to get what they think is their final meal, and instead find tree mail indicating they have to take that OH SO FRIGGIN BORING walk down memory lane and try to remember all the former Survivors whose ass they've kicked, and try to say something nice about them all. Me? I'd be like: Mikey B-loser, Chet-gay loser, Kathleen-crazy ass loser... Then they have to go to another immunity challenge. Amanda starts crying again.
Final Immunity Challenge: they have to balance a silver ball. Wow. I guess the balance a spoon on your nose challenge would have been too hard? Parv lasts about 2 minutes, mainly because SHE'S NOT THE BOTTOM OF THE TOTEM POLE (have you NOT been paying attention??). Cirie and Amanda take it to the end where Cirie loses concentration and Amanda wins immunity. Let's just skip to tribal council. Cirie is voted off.
The jury now gets to ask it's questions:
Eliza: Parv-are you a mean person? Um, nooooooo.
Jason: Amanda: were you in on Ozzy's vote off? Parv: do you have any redeeming qualities?
Alexis: P: what makes you a better role model for young girls (huh? shouldn't they be in bed by now?) A: what part of your game has been genuine?
Natalie: P: how does playing the flirt card translate into the bedroom (Eliza looks SHOCKED at this very weird question) and what are you doing later? A: was a glazed zombie pageant girl look your strategy? (no, actually that was Chet's strategy)
Eric: Rips A a new one, no question for Parv
James: A: you're da winner
Cirie: A: why that skank Parv?
Ozzy: Still truly hurt, bags on Parv. Still looooooovvvveeeesss Amanda, especially now that she's one step away from the million
Zoom. We're in LA for the reading of the votes. Jeff's hair looks like shit. Anyone else notice that? Pan over to Amanda. WHOA. She's been making up for missed meals. And, once again ladies, wearing fluorescent green DOES make you look larger than life. Final vote, by a 5 to 3 margin, Parvati wins immunity.
PS-is it me of did Johnny Fairplay's daughter look EXACTLY like a monkey?
Showing posts with label Survivor Micronesia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Survivor Micronesia. Show all posts
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Survivor Update Week 13
Oh My Gawd. Just watched it last night and am still laughing.
Note: Wil and I have set up a Save the Eriks foundation to support ice cream scoopers who have become too old or stupid to scoop. For the price of a few betel nuts a day, you too can support an Erik by purchasing an electronic fence collar which will allow your Erik to live out his years in my backyard, free from the manipulations of females. Join today!
Ok, on to the show. Starts out with Erik saying, "at this point in the game I don't trust anybody". Hmmmm. Anyone notice Erik's beard? Like, this is 35 days growth people. I pluck more facial hair than that on any given day. Sorry, too much info?
Amanda and Erik discuss reward (how they know you will be able to take someone, I don't know), and Amanda promises to take Erik if she wins. They also decide to send Parv to Exile because she's too stupid and lazy to look for the idol.
Reward Challenge: Survivor Jeapordy-questions on former Survivor seasons. I actually found this impossibly hard.
Q1: Which season had a castaway with a pet snake: Pearl Islands (Rupert)
Q2: Which season had a shark bite: Allstars (Richard). I didn't remember Richard biting a shark.
Q3: Which season had one survivor ask another to pee on them: This surprised me since I didn't realize there was a Survivor: R. Kelly but apparently the real answer was Marqueses, when John asked Kathy for the urine assist
Q4: Which season had a survivor evacuated by fire: Australia. Back when men were men and only real injuries got you off the island
Q5: Which season had 4 tribes: Exile. AKA Survivor: Race Card
Erik, who watches a lot of TV in his bedroom at his parent's house, wins reward and takes Amanda. Wanna know what you're playing for? A helicopter ride, massages and a foot treatment. Huh. Guess the authentic Micronesians were all at their day office jobs. Erik announces, "I've never been to a spa before". Which gets added to the list of nevers for him, including being intimate with a woman, eating betel nut, and eating in a restaurant that doesn't have a clown on the menu. "Maybe that's part of being a man. Being an Ice Cream Man instead of an Ice Cream Boy." Well said, Ice Cream Boy. Dream Big. Cause, there's nothing better to be than an aging weirdo Ice Cream Man leering at the little boys.
Parv gets sent to Exile. We see no footage of her on Exile since she probably slept with the camera crew. Hey, have I mentioned that Parv is a "charity organizer"? WTF?? What kind of charities would she organize-finding used Prada purses for those without?
Cirie and Nat go back to camp. Nat-the-jugular-flosser is fuming that Erik took Amanda and not her. It doesn't help that Cirie is flaming the fire and gettin' her going. I LOVE Cirie. I want to be her friend.
Erik and Amanda return to camp. Nat wants to bitch slap Erik. I want her too. Pulllleeeeaaaaaaz. DO IT.
All the women trade stories and find out that Erik has used a different story on each of them, WHICH IS TOTALLY SHOCKING ON SURVIVOR. Frankly, it used to be pretty normal male behavior at the bar at Casa Maria when I was in my 20's.
Immunity Challenge. WAIT-IS JEFF PROBST WEARING BERMUDA SHORTS ?? Holy CRAP. He is even HOTTER than I thought in the long safari pants. Man, I'd do him Micronesian style.
Okaaaay. The challenge is a dig a puzzle, do complex geometry with ropes, dig another puzzle, do complex geometry using avagadro's number, dig another puzzle. Yea, don't know what happened during this part because my eyes glazed over and I was still thinkin' about a little Probsting. Anyhoo, Erik wins immunity, cause his mathematical skills have been honed lining the scoop up with the cone all these many years.
The women go back to camp, put on their long black robes and stand around the black kettle plotting his death. They decide to trick Erik out of his necklace.
Tribal Council. Holy crap, what the heck is Ozzy wearing? Is it Cinco de Mayo out in Micronesia?? Or are all of the authentic made in Mexico serapes now made in Micronesia? Can't see if James is still on life support. la la la la, tribal council. Jeff: Erik, I'm assuming you are keeping the necklace since only a pussy would give it up at this point, hahahaha. Erik: Well, actually Jeff, I am a total pussy and am giving my necklace to Natalie as a sign of my utter pussiness.
Cut to the jury, where Eliza looks SHOCKED. And, everyone else is laughing their asses off. 16th person voted off is Erik. And as they say in the dog show world, may the best bitch win!
Note: Wil and I have set up a Save the Eriks foundation to support ice cream scoopers who have become too old or stupid to scoop. For the price of a few betel nuts a day, you too can support an Erik by purchasing an electronic fence collar which will allow your Erik to live out his years in my backyard, free from the manipulations of females. Join today!
Ok, on to the show. Starts out with Erik saying, "at this point in the game I don't trust anybody". Hmmmm. Anyone notice Erik's beard? Like, this is 35 days growth people. I pluck more facial hair than that on any given day. Sorry, too much info?
Amanda and Erik discuss reward (how they know you will be able to take someone, I don't know), and Amanda promises to take Erik if she wins. They also decide to send Parv to Exile because she's too stupid and lazy to look for the idol.
Reward Challenge: Survivor Jeapordy-questions on former Survivor seasons. I actually found this impossibly hard.
Q1: Which season had a castaway with a pet snake: Pearl Islands (Rupert)
Q2: Which season had a shark bite: Allstars (Richard). I didn't remember Richard biting a shark.
Q3: Which season had one survivor ask another to pee on them: This surprised me since I didn't realize there was a Survivor: R. Kelly but apparently the real answer was Marqueses, when John asked Kathy for the urine assist
Q4: Which season had a survivor evacuated by fire: Australia. Back when men were men and only real injuries got you off the island
Q5: Which season had 4 tribes: Exile. AKA Survivor: Race Card
Erik, who watches a lot of TV in his bedroom at his parent's house, wins reward and takes Amanda. Wanna know what you're playing for? A helicopter ride, massages and a foot treatment. Huh. Guess the authentic Micronesians were all at their day office jobs. Erik announces, "I've never been to a spa before". Which gets added to the list of nevers for him, including being intimate with a woman, eating betel nut, and eating in a restaurant that doesn't have a clown on the menu. "Maybe that's part of being a man. Being an Ice Cream Man instead of an Ice Cream Boy." Well said, Ice Cream Boy. Dream Big. Cause, there's nothing better to be than an aging weirdo Ice Cream Man leering at the little boys.
Parv gets sent to Exile. We see no footage of her on Exile since she probably slept with the camera crew. Hey, have I mentioned that Parv is a "charity organizer"? WTF?? What kind of charities would she organize-finding used Prada purses for those without?
Cirie and Nat go back to camp. Nat-the-jugular-flosser is fuming that Erik took Amanda and not her. It doesn't help that Cirie is flaming the fire and gettin' her going. I LOVE Cirie. I want to be her friend.
Erik and Amanda return to camp. Nat wants to bitch slap Erik. I want her too. Pulllleeeeaaaaaaz. DO IT.
All the women trade stories and find out that Erik has used a different story on each of them, WHICH IS TOTALLY SHOCKING ON SURVIVOR. Frankly, it used to be pretty normal male behavior at the bar at Casa Maria when I was in my 20's.
Immunity Challenge. WAIT-IS JEFF PROBST WEARING BERMUDA SHORTS ?? Holy CRAP. He is even HOTTER than I thought in the long safari pants. Man, I'd do him Micronesian style.
Okaaaay. The challenge is a dig a puzzle, do complex geometry with ropes, dig another puzzle, do complex geometry using avagadro's number, dig another puzzle. Yea, don't know what happened during this part because my eyes glazed over and I was still thinkin' about a little Probsting. Anyhoo, Erik wins immunity, cause his mathematical skills have been honed lining the scoop up with the cone all these many years.
The women go back to camp, put on their long black robes and stand around the black kettle plotting his death. They decide to trick Erik out of his necklace.
Tribal Council. Holy crap, what the heck is Ozzy wearing? Is it Cinco de Mayo out in Micronesia?? Or are all of the authentic made in Mexico serapes now made in Micronesia? Can't see if James is still on life support. la la la la, tribal council. Jeff: Erik, I'm assuming you are keeping the necklace since only a pussy would give it up at this point, hahahaha. Erik: Well, actually Jeff, I am a total pussy and am giving my necklace to Natalie as a sign of my utter pussiness.
Cut to the jury, where Eliza looks SHOCKED. And, everyone else is laughing their asses off. 16th person voted off is Erik. And as they say in the dog show world, may the best bitch win!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Survivor Update Episode 12
Yo! Gotta get this in today before the next episode of Survivor: Microbiology airs. Man, what a total cesspool. So, we start with poor James getting medical treatment for his cut finger-and is that an iv in his arm?? Female doc yammering on about the threat of infection to his hand, and you know James works with his hands. Huh. I would have thought he used a shovel for diggin da graves.
James returns to camp and tells everyone he has to see how his hand does overnight. Break for a commercial from our sponsor Charmin. Ya mean these people are getting toilet paper this time around?? Anyone listen to the Charmin tagline-"fewer pieces left behind". Man, what genius thought that one up? I hesitate to think pieces of what we are talking about.
Ok, back at the island of doom, reward challenge: questions about your team-mates. This time, if you get one right you get to smash a really really cool puppet. I was expecting to hear they were made by authentic micronesian puppetmakers. Wonder where the Jeff puppet was. Oh, that's right, he's hosting Survivor.
Wanna know what you're playing for? Bring out the families and let's see whose granny has died recently. Oh, that's right, Johnny Fairplay is gone. I hear his g'friend had the baby and surprisingly it only had one head. So, winner gets to swim with their loved one at the FAMOUS (stingless) jellyfish lake. Um. Does it come with antibiotic scrub at the end?
Here's the summary:
Who does the most for the tribe-James
Who never shuts up-Parvati
Who mistakenly thinks they are in control of the game-Parvati
Who is the most honest-Alexis
Who is the least likely to be invited to a family dinner-James (now, I'm not saying it's racism but haven't these people ever seen "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner"??)
Alexis wins reward and gets to pick 2 other people to join her-she picks Cirie and Natalie and sends Amanda to Exile Island. After the challenge James's hand gets looked at and it appears he is in immediate danger of death, so he leaves the game. Hmmm. Is it me or is this female doctor taking a lot of the men out of the game? And, HELLO, Alexis is limping around with a tourniquet on her leg and no medic is called.
Off to Exile, Amanda finds all the clues because basically there's now a book in the little ocean hut that says, "here's the clues, dumbasses" on the cover. Drat. The idol is hidden back at camp.
So, we get to see the winners swim with a lot of jellyfish, which looks like snot and makes me a little nauseous.
Next morning Alexis tells Parv that her leg really hurts, and Parv jumps the hell right on that telling her, "Oh, we'll just vote you off and cut you out of the million bucks so you can get a little ace bandage on it". Alexis tries to backpedal. Lots of other girl on girl backstabbing is beginning. Lots of talk about what to do if Erik wins immunity. Lots of nutin.
Immunity Challenge. This one totally cracked me the hell up. Basically they seemed to have blown their budget on the puppets and dug up (probably literally) a bazillion year old "high powered" rifle that they take turns shooting at bottles of colored water. And, were they the same colors used in the colored water over their heads standing challenge?? We'll never know since I don't care enough to analyze it. Fortunately this is not a running challenge and Alexis has a shot. Unfortunately she is a lousy shot and hits nothing.
Natalie ("I'd floss with his jugular vein") is a crack shot and gets 2 hits but Erik wins immunity with 3. Everyone returns to camp (JEFF-WHAT ABOUT ALEXIS' KNEE?????).
Back at camp, everyone wants to know if Amanda found the idol, and she assures them she did not, even emptying out her bag. She does, however, tell Parv that the idol is hidden at camp. Natalie and Alexis have decided to target Amanda, and they convince Cirie and Erik to join them. While everyone sits down to dinner, Amanda takes a break to dig around camp a little. Hey, is it me or did Natalie steal a piece of the immunity idol for her neck? Check out her new necklace tonight.
Tribal Council. James enters the jury with a damn IV pole as his date. DAMN. Eliza has her constant surprised look.
Lots of yammering, Amanda pleading her case with Erik. Lemme go count (and organize for the most dramatic effect) the votes. Anyone with the hidden idol should play it now. Um, Jeff? I happen to have a little piece of authentic micronesian immunity idol that I found at camp. BAM. What a great moment in Survivor history!! Amanda saves herself and Alexis is the next person on the jury. She'll probably be brought in in traction next week.
James returns to camp and tells everyone he has to see how his hand does overnight. Break for a commercial from our sponsor Charmin. Ya mean these people are getting toilet paper this time around?? Anyone listen to the Charmin tagline-"fewer pieces left behind". Man, what genius thought that one up? I hesitate to think pieces of what we are talking about.
Ok, back at the island of doom, reward challenge: questions about your team-mates. This time, if you get one right you get to smash a really really cool puppet. I was expecting to hear they were made by authentic micronesian puppetmakers. Wonder where the Jeff puppet was. Oh, that's right, he's hosting Survivor.
Wanna know what you're playing for? Bring out the families and let's see whose granny has died recently. Oh, that's right, Johnny Fairplay is gone. I hear his g'friend had the baby and surprisingly it only had one head. So, winner gets to swim with their loved one at the FAMOUS (stingless) jellyfish lake. Um. Does it come with antibiotic scrub at the end?
Here's the summary:
Who does the most for the tribe-James
Who never shuts up-Parvati
Who mistakenly thinks they are in control of the game-Parvati
Who is the most honest-Alexis
Who is the least likely to be invited to a family dinner-James (now, I'm not saying it's racism but haven't these people ever seen "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner"??)
Alexis wins reward and gets to pick 2 other people to join her-she picks Cirie and Natalie and sends Amanda to Exile Island. After the challenge James's hand gets looked at and it appears he is in immediate danger of death, so he leaves the game. Hmmm. Is it me or is this female doctor taking a lot of the men out of the game? And, HELLO, Alexis is limping around with a tourniquet on her leg and no medic is called.
Off to Exile, Amanda finds all the clues because basically there's now a book in the little ocean hut that says, "here's the clues, dumbasses" on the cover. Drat. The idol is hidden back at camp.
So, we get to see the winners swim with a lot of jellyfish, which looks like snot and makes me a little nauseous.
Next morning Alexis tells Parv that her leg really hurts, and Parv jumps the hell right on that telling her, "Oh, we'll just vote you off and cut you out of the million bucks so you can get a little ace bandage on it". Alexis tries to backpedal. Lots of other girl on girl backstabbing is beginning. Lots of talk about what to do if Erik wins immunity. Lots of nutin.
Immunity Challenge. This one totally cracked me the hell up. Basically they seemed to have blown their budget on the puppets and dug up (probably literally) a bazillion year old "high powered" rifle that they take turns shooting at bottles of colored water. And, were they the same colors used in the colored water over their heads standing challenge?? We'll never know since I don't care enough to analyze it. Fortunately this is not a running challenge and Alexis has a shot. Unfortunately she is a lousy shot and hits nothing.
Natalie ("I'd floss with his jugular vein") is a crack shot and gets 2 hits but Erik wins immunity with 3. Everyone returns to camp (JEFF-WHAT ABOUT ALEXIS' KNEE?????).
Back at camp, everyone wants to know if Amanda found the idol, and she assures them she did not, even emptying out her bag. She does, however, tell Parv that the idol is hidden at camp. Natalie and Alexis have decided to target Amanda, and they convince Cirie and Erik to join them. While everyone sits down to dinner, Amanda takes a break to dig around camp a little. Hey, is it me or did Natalie steal a piece of the immunity idol for her neck? Check out her new necklace tonight.
Tribal Council. James enters the jury with a damn IV pole as his date. DAMN. Eliza has her constant surprised look.
Lots of yammering, Amanda pleading her case with Erik. Lemme go count (and organize for the most dramatic effect) the votes. Anyone with the hidden idol should play it now. Um, Jeff? I happen to have a little piece of authentic micronesian immunity idol that I found at camp. BAM. What a great moment in Survivor history!! Amanda saves herself and Alexis is the next person on the jury. She'll probably be brought in in traction next week.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Survivor Update Episode 11
Man, this is definitely the season of mean-ass, back stabbing, manipulative women! But, enough about the Pennsylvania primary.
After last week's most shocking rose ceremony ever, James is left holding the FAV male bag, as it were. We also find out in minute 1 that he has a cut, and it isn't healing. Um, how did Micronesians live this long in this bacterial wasteland??
James confronts Parv in what is an amusing episode of The Playyyaaaaa gets Playyyed. I'm guessing Parv's fantasies of being Mrs. Gravedigger aren't gonna come true. Amanda does the big eyed, I'm so upset James thing.
Up next, the always interesting Survivor Auction. This time up, no sharing of money and no sharing of food.
Cirie wins first and buys a hot dog and fried for $120 (and, the Lincoln Field management takes note)
Eric spends $80 on Octopus which he fortunately traded out for Nachos.
Natalie spends $240 on Fruit bat soup, which James takes off her hands and eats.
Amanda springs for a PB&J at $280.
Natalie spends $240 for a bottle with a note, that says she has to send someone immediately to Exile Island. Being the quick little bunny that she is, she ask Jeff if the immunity idol has been replaced. Jeff, who probably was supposed to read that cue card, promptly explains that since Oz never played it a new one has been hidden. She thinks, hmmmmm, but then sends Jason to Exile anyway, probably knowing none of her women buddies are smart enough to find it.
The auction comes to a close with Natalie (who also got Jason's coin) spending $380 for a chocolate cake which she got 60 seconds to eat with 3 friends. In the MOST disgusting moments of Survivor history, Cirie (THE NURSE) sells her fingers to lick to Eric for $40. Ok, here's what creeps me out. They don't have toilet paper, they don't have soap and water, and they don't have Purel dispensers on every tree. Have they never heard of e coli??
On the walk back to the camp, the girls all bitch about Natalie sending Jason to Exile and giving him a chance to find the idol.
In about 5 minutes on the island, Jason in fact finds the idol. He waxes poetic about Natalie and his alliance. Yea. Natalie, the motivational speaker, would eat her own young if it would get her somewhere.
The ladies hatch a plan that Natalie will trick Jason into throwing the immunity challenge. And, can I just say, OK OK, I GET THE SPINNING A WEB THEME. Christ, it was almost like a National Geographic special on the black widow spider with all the SUBTLE shots of AUTHENTIC MICRONESIAN SPIDERS.
Immunity Challenge: Deja Vu. Which is kind of ironic since their have actually been no original challenges this season anyway. So, it's a series of tile breaking, puzzle sorting, key digging, plank walking and rope bridges. Yea, I think that was it.
Jason returns to the tribe and Natalie whispers that she has a plan for them. I think that's what she whispers. Either that or "you are so hot I want you now". Either way, Jason hears the latter.
OK, I could go on and on about the challenge, but basically Erik wins. Everyone is all happy because, let's face it, he is one of the girls. Erik points out repeatedly that it's his 22nd birthday, so it is a good thing he saved his auction money to get himself AN AUTHENTIC MICRONESIAN HO and some betel nut.
Back at camp, the ladies go through Jason's stuff right in front of James and find the idol. I guess it is hard to see a BIG BLACK MAN sitting in the middle of a bunch of women.
Natalie works on Jason, telling him the plan is to vote out James, and getting him to not use the idol, thereby confirming THE CURSE OF THE IMMUNITY IDOL. Will this damn thing ever be used for it's original purpose??
OK, before I give away the BIG SURPRISE ENDING, did anyone catch what Ozzy was wearing when they showed the jury? It was like, a 1890's bathing suit. Very weird. Ok. The ladies split their votes between James and Jason, in case Jason does play the idol, he doesn't and is the next member of the jury.
After last week's most shocking rose ceremony ever, James is left holding the FAV male bag, as it were. We also find out in minute 1 that he has a cut, and it isn't healing. Um, how did Micronesians live this long in this bacterial wasteland??
James confronts Parv in what is an amusing episode of The Playyyaaaaa gets Playyyed. I'm guessing Parv's fantasies of being Mrs. Gravedigger aren't gonna come true. Amanda does the big eyed, I'm so upset James thing.
Up next, the always interesting Survivor Auction. This time up, no sharing of money and no sharing of food.
Cirie wins first and buys a hot dog and fried for $120 (and, the Lincoln Field management takes note)
Eric spends $80 on Octopus which he fortunately traded out for Nachos.
Natalie spends $240 on Fruit bat soup, which James takes off her hands and eats.
Amanda springs for a PB&J at $280.
Natalie spends $240 for a bottle with a note, that says she has to send someone immediately to Exile Island. Being the quick little bunny that she is, she ask Jeff if the immunity idol has been replaced. Jeff, who probably was supposed to read that cue card, promptly explains that since Oz never played it a new one has been hidden. She thinks, hmmmmm, but then sends Jason to Exile anyway, probably knowing none of her women buddies are smart enough to find it.
The auction comes to a close with Natalie (who also got Jason's coin) spending $380 for a chocolate cake which she got 60 seconds to eat with 3 friends. In the MOST disgusting moments of Survivor history, Cirie (THE NURSE) sells her fingers to lick to Eric for $40. Ok, here's what creeps me out. They don't have toilet paper, they don't have soap and water, and they don't have Purel dispensers on every tree. Have they never heard of e coli??
On the walk back to the camp, the girls all bitch about Natalie sending Jason to Exile and giving him a chance to find the idol.
In about 5 minutes on the island, Jason in fact finds the idol. He waxes poetic about Natalie and his alliance. Yea. Natalie, the motivational speaker, would eat her own young if it would get her somewhere.
The ladies hatch a plan that Natalie will trick Jason into throwing the immunity challenge. And, can I just say, OK OK, I GET THE SPINNING A WEB THEME. Christ, it was almost like a National Geographic special on the black widow spider with all the SUBTLE shots of AUTHENTIC MICRONESIAN SPIDERS.
Immunity Challenge: Deja Vu. Which is kind of ironic since their have actually been no original challenges this season anyway. So, it's a series of tile breaking, puzzle sorting, key digging, plank walking and rope bridges. Yea, I think that was it.
Jason returns to the tribe and Natalie whispers that she has a plan for them. I think that's what she whispers. Either that or "you are so hot I want you now". Either way, Jason hears the latter.
OK, I could go on and on about the challenge, but basically Erik wins. Everyone is all happy because, let's face it, he is one of the girls. Erik points out repeatedly that it's his 22nd birthday, so it is a good thing he saved his auction money to get himself AN AUTHENTIC MICRONESIAN HO and some betel nut.
Back at camp, the ladies go through Jason's stuff right in front of James and find the idol. I guess it is hard to see a BIG BLACK MAN sitting in the middle of a bunch of women.
Natalie works on Jason, telling him the plan is to vote out James, and getting him to not use the idol, thereby confirming THE CURSE OF THE IMMUNITY IDOL. Will this damn thing ever be used for it's original purpose??
OK, before I give away the BIG SURPRISE ENDING, did anyone catch what Ozzy was wearing when they showed the jury? It was like, a 1890's bathing suit. Very weird. Ok. The ladies split their votes between James and Jason, in case Jason does play the idol, he doesn't and is the next member of the jury.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Survivor Update Weeks 9 and 10
Yo! Before y'all mutiny, let me get my update out and PROMISE the next one will come sooner. I actually re watched last week (on Comcast On-Demand, in case you ever miss one) since I couldn't find my notes.
So, I missed a week. Here's what happened: teams merged, Ice-cream boy convinced the team that DABU was Micronesian for...something, Ozzy won immunity, Jason "loaned" the fake idol to America's sweat heart Eliza (aka my DAMN pick) who played it. When Jeff told her "no, that's a fake idol", she yelled out "then Ozzy has it", and quickly melted into a pool of hatred.
Yea, I think that's how it went.
So, back on DABU, day 25. Anyone else notice that these people have more clothes than usual? My husband is convinced Amanda has a new bathing suit. Hmmmm. This is a man who doesn't notice his 6 pairs of shoes lying on the bedroom floor at any given time, so there must be something to that.
Right off, we're at reward challenge. Survivors are split into teams with the dreaded "schoolyard pick". Cirie is not chosen to play the reindeer games and is sent to Exile Island. Here's the challenge: climb over a jungle jim in the water, swim out to a platform, check out the AUTHENTIC MICRONESIAN SYMBOLS OF CULTURE (ding), which frankly look like cartoon characters of fish, remember what order they go in and swim back and solve the puzzle. Wanna know what you're playing for? A trip to YAP. Holy crap, they win a trip to YAP. WOW. Man, was I disappointed to find out that Yap is a Micronesian cultural mecca (ding ding) and not the island where Horton hears a who.
Long story short, Jason, Ozzy, Amanda and Erik win reward. Ok, this reward involves a sleep over. How the heck is Ozzy going to juggle his romances with Amanda and Erik?? They fly to YAP and get to meet authentic Micronesians (ding ding ding), who unfortunately are not, like, 3 inches tall but life sized people hired to be authentic. The woman are all topless, so there's more pixelation than last season's entire show. I believe the luau decor was provided by the new sponsor, party land. I would suggest we all meet up and have an authentic Micronesian luau but, I'm not doing the topless part. LOVED Erik's comment about how the lunch lady doesn't usually have her shirt off. Huh. Guess they don't have a Hooters wherever he scoops. Erik provides hours of fun as, first Ozzy waxes poetic about Erik's innocence (no hidden homosexual meaning there, I'm sure), and then we get to see Erik get drunk on Micronesian (not to be confused with micro brewery) beer and betil nut. Of all the people who have been filmed puking on this show, a special award should go to Erik for making it look like so much fun.
Back at the ranch, James starts making a racket while everyone tries to sleep, and his Honey Parv bitches him out about it. James then stalks through the jungle with a machete bitching about Parv. Just when you think it is finally gonna get good, cause you know he can dig her a grave after he kills her, Ozzy and the rest of the winners return. Ozzy, who apparently has never watched Survivor proceeds to tell the others how much damn food they all ate. And, you all know, this is like going into a Weight Watchers meeting and admitting what you REALLY ate all week and still lost 2 pounds. The tide begins to turn against Ozzy especially with what James calls Parv and her "girl power".
Immunity Challenge. This is the required stand still for X hours, this time with one hand tied over your head attached to a large bucket of water. Further proof that the Bush administration does design some of these challenges, but I digress.
Erik and a starving Cirie last 20 minutes when Jeff brings out a bowl of really bad candy, mostly gummy worms. Yea, that candy high will last about 4 minutes. Next, Jeff comes out with a plate behind his back and Alexis freaks out at the thought of food and pulls her bucket down. Jeff refuses to give her the plate of cookies and milk (so you know he's not sleeping with her). James laughs at her and pulls his bucket down. On a separate note, the water in the bucket appears to be color coded, but I have no idea why. Ozzy bags out at 3 hours for 3 chocolate donuts. At hour 5, Amanda leaves to pee. For immunity, I'd have peed right there but I guess that's not allowed. 6.5 hours into it Jeff comes out with all of the same food, plus a pizza that whoever takes can share with the group. Everyone convinces Jason that if he takes it and shares they won't vote him out (most of them with fingers crossed) and he takes the bet. Parv wins immunity.
Back at camp, Ozzy and James yuk it up at what a total fool Jason was to take the offer, and how that was one of the dumbest moments in Survivor history (at least since James didn't use his immunity). Cirie moves in for the kill and orchestrates a GREAT end run around Ozzy. At tribal council, James makes his most famous statement yet: "summtimes a man just wants da donut". Words to live by. Ozzy fails to use the idol and is BLOWN AWAY to be voted off.
So, I missed a week. Here's what happened: teams merged, Ice-cream boy convinced the team that DABU was Micronesian for...something, Ozzy won immunity, Jason "loaned" the fake idol to America's sweat heart Eliza (aka my DAMN pick) who played it. When Jeff told her "no, that's a fake idol", she yelled out "then Ozzy has it", and quickly melted into a pool of hatred.
Yea, I think that's how it went.
So, back on DABU, day 25. Anyone else notice that these people have more clothes than usual? My husband is convinced Amanda has a new bathing suit. Hmmmm. This is a man who doesn't notice his 6 pairs of shoes lying on the bedroom floor at any given time, so there must be something to that.
Right off, we're at reward challenge. Survivors are split into teams with the dreaded "schoolyard pick". Cirie is not chosen to play the reindeer games and is sent to Exile Island. Here's the challenge: climb over a jungle jim in the water, swim out to a platform, check out the AUTHENTIC MICRONESIAN SYMBOLS OF CULTURE (ding), which frankly look like cartoon characters of fish, remember what order they go in and swim back and solve the puzzle. Wanna know what you're playing for? A trip to YAP. Holy crap, they win a trip to YAP. WOW. Man, was I disappointed to find out that Yap is a Micronesian cultural mecca (ding ding) and not the island where Horton hears a who.
Long story short, Jason, Ozzy, Amanda and Erik win reward. Ok, this reward involves a sleep over. How the heck is Ozzy going to juggle his romances with Amanda and Erik?? They fly to YAP and get to meet authentic Micronesians (ding ding ding), who unfortunately are not, like, 3 inches tall but life sized people hired to be authentic. The woman are all topless, so there's more pixelation than last season's entire show. I believe the luau decor was provided by the new sponsor, party land. I would suggest we all meet up and have an authentic Micronesian luau but, I'm not doing the topless part. LOVED Erik's comment about how the lunch lady doesn't usually have her shirt off. Huh. Guess they don't have a Hooters wherever he scoops. Erik provides hours of fun as, first Ozzy waxes poetic about Erik's innocence (no hidden homosexual meaning there, I'm sure), and then we get to see Erik get drunk on Micronesian (not to be confused with micro brewery) beer and betil nut. Of all the people who have been filmed puking on this show, a special award should go to Erik for making it look like so much fun.
Back at the ranch, James starts making a racket while everyone tries to sleep, and his Honey Parv bitches him out about it. James then stalks through the jungle with a machete bitching about Parv. Just when you think it is finally gonna get good, cause you know he can dig her a grave after he kills her, Ozzy and the rest of the winners return. Ozzy, who apparently has never watched Survivor proceeds to tell the others how much damn food they all ate. And, you all know, this is like going into a Weight Watchers meeting and admitting what you REALLY ate all week and still lost 2 pounds. The tide begins to turn against Ozzy especially with what James calls Parv and her "girl power".
Immunity Challenge. This is the required stand still for X hours, this time with one hand tied over your head attached to a large bucket of water. Further proof that the Bush administration does design some of these challenges, but I digress.
Erik and a starving Cirie last 20 minutes when Jeff brings out a bowl of really bad candy, mostly gummy worms. Yea, that candy high will last about 4 minutes. Next, Jeff comes out with a plate behind his back and Alexis freaks out at the thought of food and pulls her bucket down. Jeff refuses to give her the plate of cookies and milk (so you know he's not sleeping with her). James laughs at her and pulls his bucket down. On a separate note, the water in the bucket appears to be color coded, but I have no idea why. Ozzy bags out at 3 hours for 3 chocolate donuts. At hour 5, Amanda leaves to pee. For immunity, I'd have peed right there but I guess that's not allowed. 6.5 hours into it Jeff comes out with all of the same food, plus a pizza that whoever takes can share with the group. Everyone convinces Jason that if he takes it and shares they won't vote him out (most of them with fingers crossed) and he takes the bet. Parv wins immunity.
Back at camp, Ozzy and James yuk it up at what a total fool Jason was to take the offer, and how that was one of the dumbest moments in Survivor history (at least since James didn't use his immunity). Cirie moves in for the kill and orchestrates a GREAT end run around Ozzy. At tribal council, James makes his most famous statement yet: "summtimes a man just wants da donut". Words to live by. Ozzy fails to use the idol and is BLOWN AWAY to be voted off.
Survivor Update Week 8
I gotta say that was one boring episode. Even my husband, who was in the kitchen and could hear it looked up and said, "god, immunity challenge already? It's only 8:30".
Episode started out good with Ami and Cirie out hunting crabs, and I thought to myself my how our little Cirie has grown into a real camper.
That was the highlight of the show right there. Other happenings? Ozzy gets all paranoid about people talking smack around camp. His boy-toy Erik feeds into it by running around telling him how Ami was trying to get people to vote him off. GASP. Ami gets all emotional and says, "but I thought you all didn't really REALLY like me and sniff sniff you never to told me so to my face". Lots of PMS going on over Malakal.
On Airai, James and Parvati share some private time on the beach bitching about how bad the conditions are on this beach. To prove that point, we get to see Jason catch a friggin rat, which the all partake of. Last time they did this, I think PETA protested but with it being an election year, I guess there are other rats to keep an eye on.
We jump right to an Immunity challenge. Teams enter in Jeff tells them immunity's up for grabs. One wise-ass pipes up with "wanna know what you're playing for?" and Jeff has a hissy fit, stops taping and demands all the Survivors re-read their contracts where it says plain as friggin day that ONLY Jeff is allowed to say that. So, they turn the cameras back on, having gotten Jeff a Pina Colada with a PINK umbrella, and he tells the tribes they get to banish one player from each team to Lame-Ass Island, but the banished members get immunity. Ozzy and Alexis are sent packing. Ozzy uses the time to check that his fake idol has been taken.
Here's the challenge-and I'm just plagiarizing this from the cbs site since I really don't feel like explaining it One tribe member at a time will attempt to navigate a balance-intensive obstacle course over a pit of water, while members from the opposing tribe try to knock them off by swinging heavy canvas bags at them (this ends up to be the lamest friggin thing ever attempted on Survivor) . Once across, they’ll grab a flag and race back across the same course. If they fall off at any time, they will have to go back to the start and the next person goes. The first tribe to collect all five of their flags wins Immunity and a pizza party back at their camp. Wow, a pizza party. Maybe they'll get to play the latest Menudo album and play spin the bottle. How very traditionally micronesian. I guess the Micronesia government hasn't learned the China force the culture down their damn throats tactics yet. What do you suppose is on a micronesian pizza?
So, blah blah blah, the only interesting thing that happens is Erik takes a nasty fall into the platform, and he looks like he might have crushed at least a spleen, but no such drama. This kinda pisses me off since it was highly advertised and even TV Guide has a picture of him hitting with the ridiculous tag line "most dangerous survivor EVER". I guess internal injuries do take a matter of time to show up so there is still hope for tonight.
Anyway, Airai wins immunity again. Malakal gets all emotional as Ozzy looks for any reason to keep Erik around, hits upon Ami as a target and we get another tear feast at tribal council. End of the day, Ami THE NANNY is voted off.
Episode started out good with Ami and Cirie out hunting crabs, and I thought to myself my how our little Cirie has grown into a real camper.
That was the highlight of the show right there. Other happenings? Ozzy gets all paranoid about people talking smack around camp. His boy-toy Erik feeds into it by running around telling him how Ami was trying to get people to vote him off. GASP. Ami gets all emotional and says, "but I thought you all didn't really REALLY like me and sniff sniff you never to told me so to my face". Lots of PMS going on over Malakal.
On Airai, James and Parvati share some private time on the beach bitching about how bad the conditions are on this beach. To prove that point, we get to see Jason catch a friggin rat, which the all partake of. Last time they did this, I think PETA protested but with it being an election year, I guess there are other rats to keep an eye on.
We jump right to an Immunity challenge. Teams enter in Jeff tells them immunity's up for grabs. One wise-ass pipes up with "wanna know what you're playing for?" and Jeff has a hissy fit, stops taping and demands all the Survivors re-read their contracts where it says plain as friggin day that ONLY Jeff is allowed to say that. So, they turn the cameras back on, having gotten Jeff a Pina Colada with a PINK umbrella, and he tells the tribes they get to banish one player from each team to Lame-Ass Island, but the banished members get immunity. Ozzy and Alexis are sent packing. Ozzy uses the time to check that his fake idol has been taken.
Here's the challenge-and I'm just plagiarizing this from the cbs site since I really don't feel like explaining it One tribe member at a time will attempt to navigate a balance-intensive obstacle course over a pit of water, while members from the opposing tribe try to knock them off by swinging heavy canvas bags at them (this ends up to be the lamest friggin thing ever attempted on Survivor) . Once across, they’ll grab a flag and race back across the same course. If they fall off at any time, they will have to go back to the start and the next person goes. The first tribe to collect all five of their flags wins Immunity and a pizza party back at their camp. Wow, a pizza party. Maybe they'll get to play the latest Menudo album and play spin the bottle. How very traditionally micronesian. I guess the Micronesia government hasn't learned the China force the culture down their damn throats tactics yet. What do you suppose is on a micronesian pizza?
So, blah blah blah, the only interesting thing that happens is Erik takes a nasty fall into the platform, and he looks like he might have crushed at least a spleen, but no such drama. This kinda pisses me off since it was highly advertised and even TV Guide has a picture of him hitting with the ridiculous tag line "most dangerous survivor EVER". I guess internal injuries do take a matter of time to show up so there is still hope for tonight.
Anyway, Airai wins immunity again. Malakal gets all emotional as Ozzy looks for any reason to keep Erik around, hits upon Ami as a target and we get another tear feast at tribal council. End of the day, Ami THE NANNY is voted off.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Survivor Update- Week 7
Dropping like flies!! First off, I'm not sure Kathy was really that much of a fan, but I think this series should be called Favs vs Couch Potatoes. Can I just say this proves that the average crazy will wack out after 19 days without meds. Something to remember! On the other hand, one night in that cave with the rats and bats and I would have been in an institution for the rest of my life. Ugh. Let's keep things in perspective, James, you did graves for a living, Kathy is a golf course vendor. Again, another job I didn't know existed. Damn that Upper Merion High School guidance counselor. Who knew you could make money putting little patches of grass (are they called divits??) in vending machines. I guess they sell them at Walmart, next to the worm vending machines.
Ok, so we also get to know that the Ozzie-Amanda romance has been replaced by the Ozzie-Erik-the-scooper romance. Love Cirie talking about them both!
Reward challenge: brought to you by CLAIROL HERBAL ESSENCE. God I am so glad the Preparation H product placement deal fell through. This one revolves (get it?) around the ridiculous Micronesia money stone that weighs about 100 lbs. Hey, are you happy to see me or do you have a micronesia money stone in your pocket?? Haha. That was an actual micronesian joke. So, they have to roll this stone through "the forest", which looked to me like it had been hit by loggers earlier in the day, and then crush tiles and get more money stones (these ones penny stones). Then they have to...wait for it...... do a puzzle!! C'mon, is friggin Highlights Magazine also a sponsor??
It's a really boring challenge, and I'll give you a quick summary. Cirie can't tell right from left, but they still kick ass. They win the shower, and get to send someone to Exile. Jason is sent and Ozzie choses Kathy to go. PEOPLE: DOESN'T THIS TELL YOU OZZIE HAS THE DAMN IDOL????? Why else would he not want to go back and find it? Why give The Nipster a chance to find it?
So, not to be totally obsessed with boobs, but we get to see Ozzie showering with a topless Amanda and I think Natalie, while Erik watches. Actually, Erik never saw the ladies... Anyone else catch the Ozzie and Erik eating bananas scene?? Wow. They digitize a cheek coming out of a bathing suit but we have to watch that bit of porn??
This is about the time Kathy wigs out. Lots of drama, Reverend Jeff is called to sit and talk to her. She can't "feel her family in her heart anymore". No, you can't feel the Prozac anymore and that means it's time to get in Jeff's LUXURY YACHT and go home. Anyone else remember when our little Jeff rode around in an old fishing boat?
Immunity challenge. This one has a floating bridge you have to use to get to floating PUZZLE PIECES, which you ride back in and put together. Ozzie of course proves that he's part dolphin. He takes about 4 of the turns for that tribe. Since James has to turn the big crank, the ladies have to do the challenge. They save Jason for the puzzle. No idea why unless to give us even more chances to see women with their clothes falling off. Although Ozzie pulls in the pieces, Amanda and Cirie can't get the puzzle together and the Airai tribe wins immunity once again.
Drama back at Malakal. Lots of women bitching, lots of plotting, lots of NOTHING, as Ozzie escapes the vote and Nipple Girl becomes the 7th (I think) person voted off.
Ok, so we also get to know that the Ozzie-Amanda romance has been replaced by the Ozzie-Erik-the-scooper romance. Love Cirie talking about them both!
Reward challenge: brought to you by CLAIROL HERBAL ESSENCE. God I am so glad the Preparation H product placement deal fell through. This one revolves (get it?) around the ridiculous Micronesia money stone that weighs about 100 lbs. Hey, are you happy to see me or do you have a micronesia money stone in your pocket?? Haha. That was an actual micronesian joke. So, they have to roll this stone through "the forest", which looked to me like it had been hit by loggers earlier in the day, and then crush tiles and get more money stones (these ones penny stones). Then they have to...wait for it...... do a puzzle!! C'mon, is friggin Highlights Magazine also a sponsor??
It's a really boring challenge, and I'll give you a quick summary. Cirie can't tell right from left, but they still kick ass. They win the shower, and get to send someone to Exile. Jason is sent and Ozzie choses Kathy to go. PEOPLE: DOESN'T THIS TELL YOU OZZIE HAS THE DAMN IDOL????? Why else would he not want to go back and find it? Why give The Nipster a chance to find it?
So, not to be totally obsessed with boobs, but we get to see Ozzie showering with a topless Amanda and I think Natalie, while Erik watches. Actually, Erik never saw the ladies... Anyone else catch the Ozzie and Erik eating bananas scene?? Wow. They digitize a cheek coming out of a bathing suit but we have to watch that bit of porn??
This is about the time Kathy wigs out. Lots of drama, Reverend Jeff is called to sit and talk to her. She can't "feel her family in her heart anymore". No, you can't feel the Prozac anymore and that means it's time to get in Jeff's LUXURY YACHT and go home. Anyone else remember when our little Jeff rode around in an old fishing boat?
Immunity challenge. This one has a floating bridge you have to use to get to floating PUZZLE PIECES, which you ride back in and put together. Ozzie of course proves that he's part dolphin. He takes about 4 of the turns for that tribe. Since James has to turn the big crank, the ladies have to do the challenge. They save Jason for the puzzle. No idea why unless to give us even more chances to see women with their clothes falling off. Although Ozzie pulls in the pieces, Amanda and Cirie can't get the puzzle together and the Airai tribe wins immunity once again.
Drama back at Malakal. Lots of women bitching, lots of plotting, lots of NOTHING, as Ozzie escapes the vote and Nipple Girl becomes the 7th (I think) person voted off.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Survivor Week 6
Last week we had a merger of sorts, more like a shuffle I think. Teams are now half fans half favs. Kind of like the brady bunch but without all the cute blonde curls (no offense, Chet). During a challenge, it appears Jonathan was injured and needed stitches. Cirie used her powers and Joel was eliminated. I think that catches us up, right?
So, we begin the night with Erik (AKA Leif Garret) moaning how the favs are ruining things. Ok, he may be right, but I can't get away from the fact that he's a professional ice cream scooper. Um, can you really make a living doing that? And, does that mean he can't take orders or use the cash register yet, just scoop??
Next we see Tracy, who is a really really good strategic player. However, I can't get past her nipples. Look, I'm totally hetero, but man oh man, those things are huge. I think when she got her implants (because no 52 year old looks like that with the original equipment) she went for the rubber nipples upgrade. Damn. I'm just glad we don't have HDTV in this house or I'd be without one eye today.
Back to the actual game. Challenge: "Tunnel blockage", which really should have been called "Chicken Cage Blockade". Teams have to SWIM OUT and bring back stuff to put into the cage for 10 minutes, and then the other team has to get through it. Yawn. Wanna know what you're playing for? A visit from AUTHENTIC NATIVES who will show you how to get to the closest McDonalds.
Airai kicks ass on this one, even with gimpy Jonathan. After the challenge but before the reward, medics are called in to check on Jonathan's leg. Apparently he is about to die at any moment, and is taken off the island. Ok people. It's a game for a million dollars but you're out in the jungle without any percoset or darvon, and you have a leg injury. I'd be jumping at the chance to get off. But, we have to have the MOST DRAMATIC MOMENT IN SURVIVOR HISTORY with Jonathan crying, Kathy who has known him for like, 3 hours crying, and me crying because this is really gonna kill Eliza's chances. Personally, I did think the swelling music and the flying doves was a little much.
In addition to winning the challenge, they also get to send someone to Exile Island. Chet is chosen from Malakal (is that a joke name or what?) and Jason joins him. I've never seen anyone as scared in my life as Jason leaving alone with Chet. On Exile, Chet naps on the beach (which must be a nice change from napping at the old camp), and Jason does the ridiculous clue search and finds Ozzy's fake idol. Idiot. He should have know it was a fake one since the real on says, "Made in China" on the bottom.
At Airai, the AUTHENTIC VILLAGERS come to camp. They introduce themselves as Edwin and Joe. Are you f$^$ing kidding me? Edwin and Joe are AUTHENTIC VILLAGERS?? I guess Joe was named after his mom, "Me Love You Long Time, Joe". Blah Blah Blah, they teach the Survivors how to catch fish. Although I thought they were already catching fish and eating pretty damn well.
Ok, here's an aside. I have decided that the only Survivor I would ever want to be on is Survivor: Wyoming, where you could catch steers and cows and pigs and eat REAL FOOD. Can you imagine the challenges? Wanna know what you're playing for? Sauteed onions, american cheese and buns. Damn, I would be so friggin athletic for that reward. To make it interesting, it could be Survivor Wyoming: Vegetarians vs Carnivores. Tribal council could be a drive in restaurant, with like, leather booths to sit on. The immunity idol would be a giant bust of Ted Turner. Man, it would be kick ass.
OK. Back to Micronesia. Lots of fan vs fav bitching, LOTS of images of nipple girl. You get the picture.
Immunity challenge: this is a TOTAL repeat of a former challenge. Walk 2 people out to a deck, swim out to a little tower and all climb up. Airai totally kicks ass again by having James, that big hulking stud of manhood, basically carrying Eliza and Parvati out to the landing. Airai totally wins and gets immunity.
Back on Malakal, Chet is suffering from, I think, a bunion and is totally jealous that Jonathan got off the god-forsaken island. He asks to be relieved from his suffering. I gotta say right now, this is so endemic of what is going on in american society today. People are such total wimps now a days. Used to be you had to basically throw yourself into fire to get off the island, now you can get off by having a bunion or shutting down your bladder and bowels. Ridiculous.
Nipple girl tries to talk Chet out of going home, with a plan to get rid of Ozzy. Lots more footage of the nipples. We go to tribal council, Ozzy makes a ridiculously arrogant statement about not being afraid, 'cause everyone knows whose going home, blah blah blah.
In the end, that bunion was too much for Chet to take and he becomes the 7th person to leave.
So, we begin the night with Erik (AKA Leif Garret) moaning how the favs are ruining things. Ok, he may be right, but I can't get away from the fact that he's a professional ice cream scooper. Um, can you really make a living doing that? And, does that mean he can't take orders or use the cash register yet, just scoop??
Next we see Tracy, who is a really really good strategic player. However, I can't get past her nipples. Look, I'm totally hetero, but man oh man, those things are huge. I think when she got her implants (because no 52 year old looks like that with the original equipment) she went for the rubber nipples upgrade. Damn. I'm just glad we don't have HDTV in this house or I'd be without one eye today.
Back to the actual game. Challenge: "Tunnel blockage", which really should have been called "Chicken Cage Blockade". Teams have to SWIM OUT and bring back stuff to put into the cage for 10 minutes, and then the other team has to get through it. Yawn. Wanna know what you're playing for? A visit from AUTHENTIC NATIVES who will show you how to get to the closest McDonalds.
Airai kicks ass on this one, even with gimpy Jonathan. After the challenge but before the reward, medics are called in to check on Jonathan's leg. Apparently he is about to die at any moment, and is taken off the island. Ok people. It's a game for a million dollars but you're out in the jungle without any percoset or darvon, and you have a leg injury. I'd be jumping at the chance to get off. But, we have to have the MOST DRAMATIC MOMENT IN SURVIVOR HISTORY with Jonathan crying, Kathy who has known him for like, 3 hours crying, and me crying because this is really gonna kill Eliza's chances. Personally, I did think the swelling music and the flying doves was a little much.
In addition to winning the challenge, they also get to send someone to Exile Island. Chet is chosen from Malakal (is that a joke name or what?) and Jason joins him. I've never seen anyone as scared in my life as Jason leaving alone with Chet. On Exile, Chet naps on the beach (which must be a nice change from napping at the old camp), and Jason does the ridiculous clue search and finds Ozzy's fake idol. Idiot. He should have know it was a fake one since the real on says, "Made in China" on the bottom.
At Airai, the AUTHENTIC VILLAGERS come to camp. They introduce themselves as Edwin and Joe. Are you f$^$ing kidding me? Edwin and Joe are AUTHENTIC VILLAGERS?? I guess Joe was named after his mom, "Me Love You Long Time, Joe". Blah Blah Blah, they teach the Survivors how to catch fish. Although I thought they were already catching fish and eating pretty damn well.
Ok, here's an aside. I have decided that the only Survivor I would ever want to be on is Survivor: Wyoming, where you could catch steers and cows and pigs and eat REAL FOOD. Can you imagine the challenges? Wanna know what you're playing for? Sauteed onions, american cheese and buns. Damn, I would be so friggin athletic for that reward. To make it interesting, it could be Survivor Wyoming: Vegetarians vs Carnivores. Tribal council could be a drive in restaurant, with like, leather booths to sit on. The immunity idol would be a giant bust of Ted Turner. Man, it would be kick ass.
OK. Back to Micronesia. Lots of fan vs fav bitching, LOTS of images of nipple girl. You get the picture.
Immunity challenge: this is a TOTAL repeat of a former challenge. Walk 2 people out to a deck, swim out to a little tower and all climb up. Airai totally kicks ass again by having James, that big hulking stud of manhood, basically carrying Eliza and Parvati out to the landing. Airai totally wins and gets immunity.
Back on Malakal, Chet is suffering from, I think, a bunion and is totally jealous that Jonathan got off the god-forsaken island. He asks to be relieved from his suffering. I gotta say right now, this is so endemic of what is going on in american society today. People are such total wimps now a days. Used to be you had to basically throw yourself into fire to get off the island, now you can get off by having a bunion or shutting down your bladder and bowels. Ridiculous.
Nipple girl tries to talk Chet out of going home, with a plan to get rid of Ozzy. Lots more footage of the nipples. We go to tribal council, Ozzy makes a ridiculously arrogant statement about not being afraid, 'cause everyone knows whose going home, blah blah blah.
In the end, that bunion was too much for Chet to take and he becomes the 7th person to leave.
Survivor Week 4
Looks like the week 3 update isn't gonna happen. Sorry that Yau-man was voted off. Cirie broke with her half-assed alliance (letting someone know they are #5 in an alliance isn't that great a position) and convinced the love birds to vote for Yau.
Week 4 started with Jonathan and Cirie going at it, not romantically but verbally. Jonathan has to confront the fact that the numbers are no longer with his alliance. Also, Eliza comes down sick and apparently that pisses everyone off. Don't know what happened to the nice James from last time around because this James is a much more touchy. Must be the fame.
At the fans camp, everyone but Chet is scurrying around working. Ya know, either there is always one person who prefers to get a tan on Survivor or the editing is such to make a villain out of somebody every week.
Reward Challenge: swim out to a platform, dive down and set coconuts out of a steel cage. Is it me or have we seen this one before? Ozzy goes under and stays there for a while, moving a number of coconuts to the end of the cage so the other favs only have to swim down and release them. Favs totally clean up, getting all the coconuts back to the beach first and spelling out Triumphant first. Wanna know what you're playing for? 3 hens and a rooster. haha. Wonder if there are any vegetarians on the fav tribe this time around? Kathy is again sent to exile island, this time with Ozzy. Anyone catch them holding hands walking to the boat?
On exile, Kathy gives up even looking for the idol, preferring to start impress Ozzy with her fire starting abilities. Ozzy goes to work and quickly finds the idol. Ozzy carves a fake idol and leaves it to be found.
Immunity Challenge: I hate this one. Everyone is tied together with long sticks and has to navigate through the trees, collecting bead necklaces. I guess the writers strike even impacted reality TV. The fans basically never get out of the box, as they are unable to unlock all of their poles in the time it takes the favs to complete the case and decipher the complex message, "team stay intact".
Returning to camp, the fans have to decide who to get rid of. Chet is offered up as the lamb, with Mickey B completely convinced it's the only way to go. Tracy shows some amazing negotiating abilities, and talks Joel into the wisdom of voting with Chet, she and Kathy. At tribal council, lots of discussion about whether strength is most important or other qualities. Blah blah blah. On and on. Meanwhile, all I could do is watch the team at tribal and think the whole tribe looks like an 80's hair band. I mean, they got a dude who looks just like Leif Garret, Joel has more hair than anyone I have ever seen, and even Jason is sporting a long and luxurious mane.
At the end of the day, Mickey B is taken down.
Week 4 started with Jonathan and Cirie going at it, not romantically but verbally. Jonathan has to confront the fact that the numbers are no longer with his alliance. Also, Eliza comes down sick and apparently that pisses everyone off. Don't know what happened to the nice James from last time around because this James is a much more touchy. Must be the fame.
At the fans camp, everyone but Chet is scurrying around working. Ya know, either there is always one person who prefers to get a tan on Survivor or the editing is such to make a villain out of somebody every week.
Reward Challenge: swim out to a platform, dive down and set coconuts out of a steel cage. Is it me or have we seen this one before? Ozzy goes under and stays there for a while, moving a number of coconuts to the end of the cage so the other favs only have to swim down and release them. Favs totally clean up, getting all the coconuts back to the beach first and spelling out Triumphant first. Wanna know what you're playing for? 3 hens and a rooster. haha. Wonder if there are any vegetarians on the fav tribe this time around? Kathy is again sent to exile island, this time with Ozzy. Anyone catch them holding hands walking to the boat?
On exile, Kathy gives up even looking for the idol, preferring to start impress Ozzy with her fire starting abilities. Ozzy goes to work and quickly finds the idol. Ozzy carves a fake idol and leaves it to be found.
Immunity Challenge: I hate this one. Everyone is tied together with long sticks and has to navigate through the trees, collecting bead necklaces. I guess the writers strike even impacted reality TV. The fans basically never get out of the box, as they are unable to unlock all of their poles in the time it takes the favs to complete the case and decipher the complex message, "team stay intact".
Returning to camp, the fans have to decide who to get rid of. Chet is offered up as the lamb, with Mickey B completely convinced it's the only way to go. Tracy shows some amazing negotiating abilities, and talks Joel into the wisdom of voting with Chet, she and Kathy. At tribal council, lots of discussion about whether strength is most important or other qualities. Blah blah blah. On and on. Meanwhile, all I could do is watch the team at tribal and think the whole tribe looks like an 80's hair band. I mean, they got a dude who looks just like Leif Garret, Joel has more hair than anyone I have ever seen, and even Jason is sporting a long and luxurious mane.
At the end of the day, Mickey B is taken down.
Survivor Week 2
Fans are having a rough time at camp. C'mon, don't these SUPER fans all have Survivor journals where they make believe they are gonna be on the show and plan out their shelter, firemaking and water gathering skills? I mean, really, I can't be the ONLY one who plays Survivor out in the backyard and makes my husband dress up as Jeff Probst, can I?? And don't even get me started at how they couldn't even start a fire with a flint.
While the cool kids play with their flint, the misfits (Kathy, Chet and Tracy) set about putting up a shelter for themselves. Ok, tonight when you watch Survivor, please take a close look at Kathy and tell me she is not a drag queen. Once they build their shelter, the cool kids come around and ask Tracy how to build one for them. This done, fire amazingly erupts. All is right with the world and the tribe feasts on clams. Apparently clams are an aphrodisiac, and Mikey and Mary start purring at each other.
On the favorites beach, also known as Temptation Island, Amanda/Ozzy and James/Parvati continue to stroke and play with each other. Since they have shelter, food, water and fire, it's time to try the Survivor logo condoms I guess. And, YOU KNOW all I was thinking was, eeewwwww nobody's brushed their teeth in days.
Reward and Immunity Challenge: First, the swimmers will race out, one-by-one, to a floating tower, climb to the top, and jump off while smashing a suspended tile, releasing a key into the water below. The swimmer must dive down, retrieve the key, and bring it back to shore. Once all five keys are collected, the key-master will open a series of locks on a chest containing puzzle-pieces. The puzzle-makers will use the puzzle-pieces to assemble a map of Micronesia (Survivor geography lesson #1). Poooor Chet. You just knew he wouldn't be athletic. He loses his key and basically loses the challenge for the fans. In addition to winning immunity, the favs get to send one person from the loser tribe to Exhale Island. But wait, there's more! One of them has to go too. Kathy is chosen and Cirie elects to go with her. With only 1 brain working, they are unable to find the idol.
Fans return to camp and try to decide who to vote off. Mickey starts doing complicated vote algebra and loses everyone. Joel gets sick of it and convinces the others to vote out Mickey's squeeze, Mary.
While the cool kids play with their flint, the misfits (Kathy, Chet and Tracy) set about putting up a shelter for themselves. Ok, tonight when you watch Survivor, please take a close look at Kathy and tell me she is not a drag queen. Once they build their shelter, the cool kids come around and ask Tracy how to build one for them. This done, fire amazingly erupts. All is right with the world and the tribe feasts on clams. Apparently clams are an aphrodisiac, and Mikey and Mary start purring at each other.
On the favorites beach, also known as Temptation Island, Amanda/Ozzy and James/Parvati continue to stroke and play with each other. Since they have shelter, food, water and fire, it's time to try the Survivor logo condoms I guess. And, YOU KNOW all I was thinking was, eeewwwww nobody's brushed their teeth in days.
Reward and Immunity Challenge: First, the swimmers will race out, one-by-one, to a floating tower, climb to the top, and jump off while smashing a suspended tile, releasing a key into the water below. The swimmer must dive down, retrieve the key, and bring it back to shore. Once all five keys are collected, the key-master will open a series of locks on a chest containing puzzle-pieces. The puzzle-makers will use the puzzle-pieces to assemble a map of Micronesia (Survivor geography lesson #1). Poooor Chet. You just knew he wouldn't be athletic. He loses his key and basically loses the challenge for the fans. In addition to winning immunity, the favs get to send one person from the loser tribe to Exhale Island. But wait, there's more! One of them has to go too. Kathy is chosen and Cirie elects to go with her. With only 1 brain working, they are unable to find the idol.
Fans return to camp and try to decide who to vote off. Mickey starts doing complicated vote algebra and loses everyone. Joel gets sick of it and convinces the others to vote out Mickey's squeeze, Mary.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Survivor Micronesia: Week 1
Woohoo, rabid fans vs jaded favorites! Let the games begin!
I gotta skip right to the end, though, cause this episode has me scratching my head. Top 5 reasons I can figure that Jonny Fairplay wanted to go home:
1) He wanted to catch his 7 month pregnant girlfriend with the baby's real father
2) Yau-man knocked some sense into him when he head-slammed him going for the idol
3) Drugs on Micronesia aren't as good as home
4) All the hot girls had already hooked up
5) He heard Celebrity Rehab was casting the second season
So, basically, the first episode was all about introducing the fans and re-introducing the favs. Fans think they have a big advantage since they know everything there is to know about 1) survivor and 2) the former contestants playbook. Favs think they have an advantage because they know how to build shelter, start fire and hook up before you start smelling really bad.
James and Perv-hottie appear to be a couple, as do Amanda and Ozzy. Hmmm. Lots of drama that will cause. I was really really really hoping Yau wasn't gonna hook up with anyone cause that would have been too much for me.
Over on the fan side, Perky Kathy has really made quite an impression. She apparently just met her first gay person, and has seen her first pair of implants. A former member of the US Navy, she's living proof that don't ask, don't tell is alive and well. Look for Kathy to try and get some tips from Chet, who according to the cbs website is a Miss America pagent coach. So, you know he's seen implants before!
First challenge for immunity involved a really elaborate set with a little cart, special puzzle wheels and a special tree to bonk Eliza in the face with. Excellent! Fans went all out and kicked some celebrity ass, sending the favs to tribal council. Looks like the 2 dating couples are an alliance, as are Yau, Eliza, Ami and Jonathan. No idea why Cirie is left out in the cold but expect her to become a deciding vote in the future. Jonny Fairplay was courted as the swing vote, but instead asked to be voted off since "he was worried about the health of his baby". Yea, I'd be pretty damn worried too with that DNA.
I gotta skip right to the end, though, cause this episode has me scratching my head. Top 5 reasons I can figure that Jonny Fairplay wanted to go home:
1) He wanted to catch his 7 month pregnant girlfriend with the baby's real father
2) Yau-man knocked some sense into him when he head-slammed him going for the idol
3) Drugs on Micronesia aren't as good as home
4) All the hot girls had already hooked up
5) He heard Celebrity Rehab was casting the second season
So, basically, the first episode was all about introducing the fans and re-introducing the favs. Fans think they have a big advantage since they know everything there is to know about 1) survivor and 2) the former contestants playbook. Favs think they have an advantage because they know how to build shelter, start fire and hook up before you start smelling really bad.
James and Perv-hottie appear to be a couple, as do Amanda and Ozzy. Hmmm. Lots of drama that will cause. I was really really really hoping Yau wasn't gonna hook up with anyone cause that would have been too much for me.
Over on the fan side, Perky Kathy has really made quite an impression. She apparently just met her first gay person, and has seen her first pair of implants. A former member of the US Navy, she's living proof that don't ask, don't tell is alive and well. Look for Kathy to try and get some tips from Chet, who according to the cbs website is a Miss America pagent coach. So, you know he's seen implants before!
First challenge for immunity involved a really elaborate set with a little cart, special puzzle wheels and a special tree to bonk Eliza in the face with. Excellent! Fans went all out and kicked some celebrity ass, sending the favs to tribal council. Looks like the 2 dating couples are an alliance, as are Yau, Eliza, Ami and Jonathan. No idea why Cirie is left out in the cold but expect her to become a deciding vote in the future. Jonny Fairplay was courted as the swing vote, but instead asked to be voted off since "he was worried about the health of his baby". Yea, I'd be pretty damn worried too with that DNA.
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