Survivor: Best Tribal EVER!!

Hello Survivors!  Hope everyone got a chance to watch that INSANE tribal council last week because I seriously doubt I can do it justice.  We must be getting close to the finale but I don't think it's this week!

So we were left last time with Joe's AMAZINGLY tight alliance falling apart, and Mike getting blindsided AGAIN.  Seriously, will anyone go to his urology practice after this show??  I wouldn't let him touch my garden hose let alone anything alive.  

Chrissy talks to Ben, who totally screwed her over by pretending to be in her alliance, and he told her his "plan didn't align with yours".  She starts to argue with him and he is a shit who tells her not to "mother me".  Cuts her off with "Goodnight".  JERK.

Reward Challenge, and it's the looooved ones episode.  We get to see everyone stinking and hanging on their clean and good smelling loved ones.  I know it's been 30 days and they all want to kiss but IT'S BEEN 30 DAYS WITHOUT A TOOTHBRUSH.  Every time I'm grossed out.  So who do we have?

Ashley's Dad Jim

Ryan's Dad Steve

Mike's wife Barry?  Mary??  Couldn't figure it out.  She had 2 eyes, not just one on her forehead though.

Lauren's sister Sunny who also likes to put on the feed bag.  I could hang with Sunny because she runs in and hugs Jeff.  LOL!

Chrissy's husband Keith

Ben's wife who looks to be about 18 and the mother of his 5 and 3 year old

Devon's mom Sonja.  

It's possibly the shortest challenge ever and totally not worth the flight to Fiji.  The each get a bag with a black and a white marble and they pick together.  If they match, they're in.  If not?  OUT.  

In the first round only Ben and Chrissy have matches.  Round 2?  Only Chrissy and her husband match so, sorry charlie you are shit out of luck.  Too bad you were a fuckwit to Chrissy earlier because she probably would have chosen you to join her in a BBQ back at the camp with your loved one.  As it is, she picks Ryan, Mike and Ashley to eat and visit with their loved ones.  Ben, Devon and Laura?  GOT NOTHING FOR YA.

Chrissy decides Ashley might be the easier to break her alliance so they all sit down and talk with her and offer her help in getting rid of her competition in finale, Ben.  

Back at camp, Ben decides to make a fake idol.  He tells Devon about the fake one and they all go off to look for a real one since they think there is a replacement to the one Ryan played somewhere.  Ben tells Lauren about the fake idol.  She's disgusted that he has a personal grudge against Chrissy and he wants her to find it and embarrass herself by playing it at tribal.  "Ben makes it personal and that's wrong".  

Lauren find the idol, but it's only half of an idol.  The other half is a shell that will be at the next immunity challenge and she has to pick it up.  

Immunity Challenge:  They have to stand with arms outstretched holding 2 disks onto a frame,  It looks tough and people start dropping right away.  In the middle, Lauren drops to pick up the shell that's under her feet basically.  Seriously, after they are out, for the first time ever, they don't go to a bench but sit on their perches.  Makes it totally stupid to make a big deal out of her having to pick up the other half of the idol.  Like, hmmm, I'm sitting here and everyone else is staring straight ahead of me, and how unreasonable would it be for me to just pick up a shell and play with it?  C'mon Probst, you can do better.  

It comes down to Devon and Ashley and Devon asks if she wants to just quit.  He agrees to quit for a back rub.  Ashley wins immunity. 

They basically have to decide if it's Mike, Chrissy or Ryan.  OR DO THEY???  Ashley decides she needs a resume builder, a big move!  I hate this whole resume builder bullshit.  Ashley thinks she needs to take out Ben for her resume to be complete.  

Devon wants Chrissy to go.  Devon, Ashley and Lauren are discussing Ben vs Chrissy at the waterhole when Ben walks up. They all stop talking and act totally weird.  Ben talks to Mike and says those 3 are too tight, he needs to make...wait for it... a BIG MOVE.  Ben tells Mike that Lauren has both and extra vote AND and idol.  They decide to vote for her to flush out the idols.  Mike remarks, "All of a sudden, I feel like I'm back on top. So, never underestimate Dr. Mike."  Ben also talks to Ryan and he agrees to vote for Lauren.  

Chrissy talks to Devon.  Ben sees her and asks her what they were talking about and she says "why should I tell you??"   Ben takes a walk with Chrissy and apologizes to her and says he wants to work with her and that he is voting for Lauren.  He also tells her about Lauren's extra vote and her idol and she tells him she'll think about it.  

Chrissy talks to Mike and tells him she still doesn't trust Ben.  He says, "i know you are mad at him but this would be a huge move".  Chrissy really wants Ben gone so Mike needs a plan B.  Mike goes to talk to Devon and Ashley and asks them whey they didn't tell him about Lauren's not very secret advantage or her idol?  Devon runs off to Lauren and tells her Ben is trying to blindside her so in order to reel Mike back in she shares half of the idol with him, since she can't play only half.  Mike thinks this is possibly one of the stupidest moves on Survivor history and asks if the Survivor Gods will make her pay for it.  

Tribal INSANITY

Jeff asks Devon about throwing the challenge for a massage and he is very defensive, saying he did it to show his loyalty to Ashley and Lauren.  

Ben is like, OH REEEEAAAAALLLY.  I notice you didn't mention my name there smiley boy

Ashley says the pressure is getting to some people and now people at the bottom are safe and people at the top should be worrie

Ben is like, ya mean me?

Lauren asks him what kind of game move it was to tell people about his idol? 

Ben says it was part of his game play

Lauren:  we got some game for you dude.

Ashley says he is messing up his own game

Ben asks, oh like the game you were playing at the well??

Lauren says he's paranoid

Ben says, Oh I'm not paranoid, I'm just gunning for you

Lauren suggests he better have enough ammunition

Chrissy announces that Lauren is a target because has a special advantage

Lauren says she ripped it up.  Yea, yea, that's what happened.  Then she says it's back at camp and she "can't use it if she don't have it".

Jeff is amazed that everyone knows every idol and advantage and Mike says he has half of her idol

Lauren says that Ben made a fake idol.

Ben pulls it out and puts it on saying "I didn't want to use it as a personal attack on my good friend Chrissy

Mike stands up and says he always wanted to do this, and then throws his half of the idol in the fire so it can't be played.  He then of course looks to Jeff for approval

Jeff asks, "so no one likes idols?"

Mike points out that they are a blessing and a curse, to which Ryan says they are a curse IF people know about them

Lauren says that the advantage isn't being played and tells Ryan he can have it.

Ben says, how about we just send Lauren home?

Devon says that Ben is more dangerous

And then again, multiple conversations break out, people get up and start talking to Ryan and Mike. Devon and Ashley come over and work on them.

Ben says, Jeff they are deciding on me of Lauren but I'll just announce that I'm voting for Lauren.

Devon says, LET'S VOTE.

They vote and Jeff can read the votes, Ben says, Um, hey Jeff?  I made that fake idol for my wife.  I'm playing this one!!

Ben gets 6 votes, none count.

Lauren goes to the jury with only Ben's vote!!!  

Awesome Tribal!!!  Nancy, can you share the payment info again?

Hello Survivor peeps!!  Today I have 2 updates for you.  I was going to do one last week but I was only thinking of YOU ALL and how busy you might be stuffing your turnkey and I didn't want to interrupt you.  

Soooo.  2 weeks ago Jess the Virgin was voted off, and although they had merged is not the first member of the jury.  Which will suck for Cole when he shortly joins her and has no cuddle buddy to dry hump.  There is at present a Hero/Hustler alliance.  

Cole is mad about the no cuddling at Ponderosa thing.  Joe is also upset that he didn't see it coming and perhaps he isn't the greatest player of all time.  He says "Now you're playing with the Devil".  

Ben and Lauren are continuing to play together.  But they know their margins are so close that "one individual can mess this all up".  Lauren then finds the paper hidden in the nails that Cole and apparently everyone else missed.  She hides it and it's a secret advantage that allows her to secretly not vote one week and hold use an extra vote another time.  

Reward Challenge:  2 teams, they have to get up a tower and fling sandbags at 5 targets.  Everyone has to go once before they can switch people out.  Wanna know?  Be taken to a private island for a spaghetti dinner.  They do a random draw and Joe is not chosen but he automatically gets to go to the spaghetti dinner.  The blue team including Chrissy, JP, Ryan, Cole and Devon win the challenge.  

At the dinner they learn that it's being served family style, one big plate of pasta and salad and a big loaf of bread.  They eat individually, can eat as much as they want but there's only what's on the table to share.  Joe gets to decide what order they eat in.  He has Devon for first which is risky but he eats as much as he wants.  Under the plate is an idol clue for back at camp.  Devon misses is as does JP.  Cole finds the clue.  Chrissy is next and she finds the clue.  She dumps the spaghetti into the napkin and puts it back on the plate so hopefully people won't see the clue on the table.  Ryan is next and he finds the clue.  He also hauls off and buries the plate.  While Joe is eating they are all laying around and Chrissy, who can't just shut her pie hole for once, whispers with Ryan about the clue.  Cole hears them and knows they know about the clue.  

Back at camp, Cole goes off to pee and Ryan rushes down to dig up the clue.  He stuffs it in his pants and tells Chrissy to cover up the hole under the team flag.  Cole sees that and jumps in the hole fighting with her.  She yells for help and basically the rest of the team gets into the digging in the sand routing.  Ryan just stands there with the idol in his pants.  Ben accuses Cole of having it because he was seen tucking his shirt into his pants.  Cole now has a giant target on his back.  

Immunity Challenge:  Stand on a balance beam balancing a statue.  Cole wins immunity and ain't nobody happy.  

Ben decides they need to split the vote 4/3 between Joe and Desi.  Cole tells Joe and Mike that he doesn't have an idol.  Joe is upset but begins to think about how to sway a vote away.  He goes to work on Devon telling him that Ben is too strong and is too big of a threat.  Ben actually sees them talking.  

Ben confronts Joe who starts pushing Ben's buttons by saying he has sworn on the marine's name to people".  This is apparently not a good thing to say because Ben gets really angry and yells at Joe, who is such a dick that he keeps pressing the buttons.  Desi once again hopes Joe knows what he is doing.  Lauren blows Ben's plan up by revealing her secret advantage and telling him she is going to save her vote for another time.  Ben now has to scramble so he makes an overture to always clueless Mike who FOR GOD SAKE NEEDS TO CLEAN HIS GLASSES!!!  Maybe he wouldn't be so clueless if he could freaking see.  Mike isn't sure why Ben would need him but he thinks it's his chance to move up.  

Tribal

Joe was there heat after last tribal?  Of course, Jeff, because Ben is running the game.

Ben says he just is fortunate to have a bunch of people who has his back and whose back he also has

Cole says that the healers are the target and that there is no point in trusting the heroes.  

Joe brings up the marines thing which sets Ben off.

Ben says he would never swear on the marines

Chrissy steps in and tells Joe to STFU

Ashley says something about whether Joe is really good at survivor or just and asshole

Mike wakes up and realizes they are at tribal and mumbles something about fearing he can't trust anyone

Ben apologizes and hints at his veteran story and how he say things and has to work to control his anger.  And if you weren't paying attention to this warm up for his final tribal plea for the million bucks, shame on you.

Desi basically says they're all liars.

Devon says something about the game stripping you down and he doesn't want to be a zombie but wants to go back to being the bright light he used to be.  

Jeff says some bullshit and it's time to  vote.

Vote: Ben gets 1, Lauren gets 1, Desi and Joe each get 4 so there is a tie, and apparently no one knows how to count because Lauren didn't vote.  They revote and Desi goes.  WHY not take out Joe?  I have no idea.  

Jeff says there are a lot more roller coaster loops to come.  

LAST WEEK

Ok, so to recap Mike and Ryan have idols.  There is a 7 person alliance but Mike did vote with the majority.  

Mike voted for Joe but Desi ended up going home.  He now needs to throw another healer under the bus. 

Ryan tells Devon he has an idol in his pants.  It's apparently unusual for Ryan to have anything of substance in his pants.  Devon is all psyched that they are still best buddies.  

Reward Challenge:   

They follow refrigerator challenge magnets were used:

Swim

Jump off something high into the water

Dive and until buoys

Gets keys

Play basketball.

Wanna know?  A cruise with food.  Which the red team wins : Chrissy, Cole, JP, Joe and Mike.  LOL, my notes said M and it took me a while to remember loser Mike.  

Chrissy would rather be with her friends instead of the 3 people on the bottom but at least she's here to hear what they are saying.  Joe never stops looking for idols or clues and starts cutting into the cake all over to see if there is a clue.  The boat cruises by the beach and the non-reward winners moon them.  

Ryan takes the opportunity to talk to Ben.  He tells him he has an idol in his pants.  Ben is thrilled because that means Cole doesn't have it.  He tells Ryan the 7 have to stick together.  

Since Joe can't find an idol he turns to plan B to be such a dick people want to keep him until the end.  He starts fights with Ashley and Chrissy. Chrissy gets up and leaves so he keeps up with Ashley telling her she is the ideal goat people will want to take along to the end.  Ashley calls Joe a bully. 

Ben decides Ryan with an idol could be dangerous.  He talks to Devon about what happens next after they are just 7.  He tells Devon he totally wants to go the the end with him.  Devon jumps at the chance and then Ben says that Devon is about to find out things other people are holding secret.  Like what things?  Ben tells him, because I trust you, Ryan told me he has an idol.  Devon plays all surprised but in reality he is upset that Ryan told the secret to someone else.  Devon is therefore in Ben's lair.  

Immunity Challenge. Yawn, it's another balance thing.  Except they are bent over in a squat with a pole over their shoulders and they have only a limited amount of up or down they can move before they raise a flag and are out.  It comes down to Lauren and Cole and happily Lauren wins immunity.  

Cole is going home, they all decide BUT there is still a missing idol.  Ben decided on a 4-3 split between Cole and Mike.  Ashley is PISSED OFF that they aren't going after Mike who is strong and could find another idol because he never stops looking.  Ashley and Chrissy talk about how Ben is steam rolling the game.  

Mike ask Ben who it is and Ben tells him to vote for Cole.  Mike doesn't know if he can trust Ben so he decides he has to do something.  Mike talks to Joe and they decide there is a change to sway someone and get Ben out.  

Chrissy tries to work on Ben about how horrible Joe is.  Ben says he is trying to flush an idol from Mike but Chrissy is more worried about a new idol entering the game and Joe finding it.  Ben wants to keep Joe because everyone hates him.  Chrissy says it's Ben's way or the highway.  

Tribal

Mike tells Joe to follow his lead

Joe says the game is lost for him as Mike, Cole and he are "out of the roundtable"

Cole agrees  AND he's now not getting laid at Ponderosa

Chrissy says the vibe at camp is difficult with Joe and his non stop insults

Mike steps in with this crap about justifiable moral code but says everyone is complaining but they never actually vote for Joe.  He goes on some strange thing about America and the statue of liberty and the british and it's just nonsense.

And when he finishes he looks like he's waiting for Jeff to praise what he says and....crickets

Lauren points out that they are playing the GAME OF SURVIVOR and basically tells him to shut up

Chrissy says they need to do what's right to set up next week

Cole says he talks that to mean he could screw their game up

Joe says it's sad that none of them are actually playing the game but are waiting until the final 7 are left

Ashley points out that in fact there is a lot going on and the game is in fact being played

Ben points out that in Survivor 2-3 relationships will get you to the end but Joe's problem is his mouth gets him in trouble

Everyone erupts in side talk and then Chrissy says, OK, Jeff we just want to vote now.

Vote?  Mike, still on his I am America meme only he understands says "America isn't going home tonight" and he plays his idol which is clearly the biggest thing to ever happen in his life and he keeps looking at Jeff with his dirty glasses waiting for Jeff to be all impressed with him.  

Vote:  Ben 1, Mike 2 and Cole gets 5 and is off to a lonely jury stay.    And I really don't think Mike understands he didn't have to play his idol.  

Survivor Double Header!

Simone was voted off at the end of episode 2, and she apparently left all of her clothes which include thigh high boots, and a strange leisure suit.  So, tell me, I thought they only got to carry their little survivor satchel. Where was all of this clothing??  Remember the olden days when they got one luxury item??  Ryan and Patrick try on her clothes and discuss why they like Ali waaaay more than the fisherman, Lauren.  Which is soooo hard to understand when Ali jumped off the boat and decided to only wear a pink push up bra for the next 39 days.  

Lauren and Ali chat in the toilet/ocean, while Lauren scrubs out her armpits.  Lauren is a single mother who feels like she's the only adult on the tribe.  Lauren wants Patrick gone after his saying MOST people can be trusted at the last tribal.  Ali is an ally of Patrick, thinks he is strong but also stupid and hard to control.  

Crissy and Ben are happily driving the train and are discussing who goes next?  They think Alan is a hot head but JP is clueless.  At least JP catches fish.  Ashley is still hot for JP, who she thinks is more of a provider than Alan.  But, they have to hide their relationship because of Alan.  She wants Alan gone so they can get back to flirting.  Ashley talks to Ben about Alan, keeps working the JP angle.  Ben thinks JP is like a puppy but Ashley points out he could be their puppy.  Ben reads the whole thing as a continuation of the power couple play and it kind of works against her.

On the Healer tribe, everything is GREAT!!  Everyone is HAPPY!!!  Except Joe is worried about Jessica and Cole getting too close.  Fishing apparently is their secret "alone time".  Jessica reveals that she is from a super religious background and is a virgin.  Why someone from a super religious background would want to go on a half nude reality show is one of life's puzzlements.   During their alone time, Cole tells Jessica that Mike doesn't have the idol, which he knows because Joe does.  He thinks she is his dream girl.  She is so excited that he shared his secret with her that she kisses him on the cheek!  

Patrick is relentless about searching for an idol. Ryan realizes it is making people paranoid.  Patrick has idol fever.  He owns a moving company and works harder than anyone else.  Hmmm.  Personally I think he stands around bullshitting while his underpaid workers do the moving.  Ali also realizes Patrick is a putz and tries to talk to him about his lack of social game and his relentless idol searching.  Ultimately Patrick decides he has to be himself!  So, you do asshole buddy.  

Joe is annoying everyone by being picky about food.  He thinks the potatoes are undercooked so he spits them out.  Desi think he's rubbing people the wrong way.  Cole decides he doesn't like Joe having an idol and he and Jessica discuss blindsiding him.  Cole "word vomits" to basically most of the tribe that Joe has an idol and they should use the element of surprise to blindside him.  Jessica is freaking out because it's too soon to start talk about a blindside.  He tells Roark who is full in, and he also tells Desi.  Jessica is pissed off.  

Immunity Challenge:

Obstacles, sand bags to knock blocks off a high bar, build a tower with the blocks.  Wanna know?  Ist place is chickens, second is 12 eggs.

During the sandbag tossing part of the event, Patrick won't let someone tag in.  Lauren is pissed because she has played baseball for ever.  

The heroes get the chickens, the healers get the eggs and Patrick made the hustlers lose and go to tribal.  

Lauren is pissed.  Patrick finds her in the toilet ocean and she confronts him with why he didn't tag out.  Tells him she played ball.  Says he was a one man team.  She asks if she's the one going home and he is all grinning and lying saying he doesn't know.  She calls him on it and he's just a douche nozzle about it.  Lauren decides she has to work it hard to save her ass.  

Lauren tells Ali what a douche nozzle Patrick was to her, just grinning at her even though he lost the challenge.  Ali starts to wonder if it's worth dragging a douche nozzle around with her.  Lauren, in her infinite wisdom talks to Ryan and literally says, "hey you're an oddball and I'm the old lady we should work together". LOL!!  Ryan and Devon decide they are in charge.  Devon makes the argument for going into the merge with Lauren because she's steady.  Weakling Ryan, who Lauren could literally kick his ass, is all worried about being strong and keeping Patrick for strength.  He also thinks Lauren doesn't fit into the tribe.  

Tribal

Lauren starts right in on the loss and how whatever they are doing isn't working.  Points to Patrick right away as the one who took the game as his own

Patrick says he sees her concern and that he shouldn't have been a douche nozzle.  

Lauren again repeats that she used to be the female Ty Cobb of baseball.  

Patrick says he was experiencing an adrenaline RUSH throwing the sandbags.

Lauren says, "I understand that SON, but we lost...

Ali says she isn't dwelling on the past but is focused on the future. 

Patrick is all happy to not be held at all accountable.

Lauren also points out that Patrick is a good idol hunter, says that she hasn't looked yet

Patrick grins like a fool and says it's a relief that she hasn't looked.  

Lauren thinks one of them will be blindsided.  

Jeff starts to ask Ryan something about "you know when you are in a relationship..." and Ryan stops him to say he's never been in a relationship.  "Ya know anyone??"  

Ryan admits that this is really not a happy or successful group.  

Devon pipes up that their chemistry is bad and he's voting to improve the chemistry of the tribe,

Lauren says she is doing the same to keep the tribe rolling and to make them better

Ryan states that they really need to be strong socially at the merge

Patrick states that he is good at making friends so he should stay

Ali asks, if that's true, why can't he get along with Lauren??

Patrick is douche nozzley smiling and saying he welcomes the criticism and it's a wake up call and a time to grow up

Ryan says this is a watershed moment for the tribe and after this vote they will have real unity.

Vote:

Patrick 3, Lauren 1.  Dude wasn't even a good idol hunter!!

BUT WAIT, THERE'S ANOTHER WEEK TO DISCUSS!!!!!

Bang, right out of the gate, DROP YOUR BUFFS!!  They are being divided into 3 new tribes, so not really a merge.  

On the new red tribe (they have names but does anyone give a shit??):

Jessica

Cole

Mike

Lauren

Ben 

On the new blue tribe:

Ashley

Alan

Joe

Desi

Devon

And on the Yellow tribe:

Ryan

Ali 

Crissy

JP 

Roark      

So, an interesting mix of teams!  They get to do a challenge for PB&J and potato chips.  

3 of each team are tied to ropes and they have to basically unbraid themselves, do an over under thing, and more unbraiding.  Finally hook a sled and pull in puzzle pieces, then do a puzzle.

The new yellow team, wins.  Ben says it'sa comfort they can all work together but there is a 3:1:1 ratio and he has a target on his back.  

Back at camp they are all introducing themselves and eating their sammies when Jessica finds a "special advantage" in her chip bag.  It gives her the power to block one person from voting at tribal, or give it to someone on the losing tribe. She tells Cole about it.  And Cole runs around like an idiot telling Ben and Lauren in some attempt to gain their trust.  Lauren isn't sure it it's bullshit or not but she decides to use the info.  

Roark is alone on the new tribe.  I actually forgot there was a Roark.  Ryan sees an advantage of reminding Crissy that he gave her the initial special advantage.  She asks why her? And he tells her he got a good vibe.  Crissy thinks maybe he has some Freudian complex and really wanted to play with his mother.  LOL.

Devi and Joe realize that Devon is the swing vote.  Ashley is less than thrilled to be with crazy Alan.  They talk and he kind of apologizes to her but not really.  They both realize they need to work together to get rid of one of the healers.  Desi and Joe talk to Devon and Joe comes out like a bull in a china cabinet telling Devon that the 2 heroes have already talked to him in an attempt to get them to agree to vote him out.  Joe admits he'll lie to get what he wants.  

Jessica and Cole are all giddy to be together and Lauren mentions to Ben that they are always together.  Lauren asks Mike if there was an advantage yesterday?  He says no and she tells him, "Oh, I heard there was one in a chip bag".  Mike tells Jessica that they know about the advantage and she gets all pissed off and confronts Cole.  He sheepishly admits that he told Ben and says he is sorry.  She is livid because he is a dumb ass that can't hold a secret for a day and he really hurt her use of the advantage.  She is upset that she formed a relationship with someone she shouldn't have.  

Immunity Challenge

Carry a crate of puzzle pieces through a table obstacle, under a net, and untie the pieces, some how there is a lock and a key in this sequence, and then do the puzzle.  Ali has no shirt again.  

The red tribe is 1, yellow is 2 and the blue tribe is going to tribal.  Jessica has the advantage and her goal is to help the healers.  

Devon is clearly the swing vote.  Ashley talks to him and he's kind of stand offish because as he tells her, Joe told him they want him out.  She says that's not true and Devon thinks Joe is a sketchy dude.  He says he felt like he was talking to a used car salesman the entire time.  Joe is a snake.  Desi oversees this and tells Joe she saw Devon and Ashley talking and then hugging.  Joe decides he has to use the idol and make sure they target him not Desi.  He goes all asshole on the tribe and gets into it with Alan.  Alan takes the bait and says "someone is going home BRO, and you just put your name out there".  Joe says he is voting for Ashley.  Alan asks what makes Desi stronger than Ashley?

Desi is upset because Joe just blew everything up.  Joe tells her he has an idol but she says "yea but now I'm the target".  She asks him to play the idol for her because he came out all confident and they probably know he has an idol.  

Devon gets the secret advantage.  I think something was left out of the editing here and that either Joe or Desi got the advantage to GIVE to Devon.  Thoughts?

Tribal

Alan has a mean face and he says "people were anxious to get to tribal and get this started"

Joe says he was anxious and already threw Ashley's name out.

Ashley-his actions might effect him tonight

Desi says she got thrown under the bus as well.

Joe says he got information from it all, thank you Alan

Devon says he is the swing vote and has to decide who he can work with

Joe says Alan wants me out-there are no cracks in the whole heroes tribe for Devon to fit in.

Alan says Joe is just scratching and clawing like a guy going over a cliff

Time to vote?  Devon says he has a special advantage but as he reads it, he realizes it isn't as special advantage for him, and his vote isn't going to count.  

Any idols?  Joe pulls it out and...... decides to play it for himself.  

Vote is 2 Alan. 2 Joe and Alan is off the island.  Joe tells Ashley "I read your face, thank you baby girl".  

Jeff says, You can make plans but the Survivor Gods don't care about your plans".  Deep, blue eyes, deep. Man, I need a drink after all this!!!  Have a good Survivor Wednesday people!!  

Survivor: And we are off!

Hello and welcome to Season 35 of AMERICA'S LONGEST RUNNING SOCIAL EXPERIMENT (TM).  This season again begins on a boat, and teams (are they still called tribes?) are divided into 3:  Heroes, Healers and Hustlers (not the pervy magazine kind, unfortunately).  We first meet Ben who is a marine, and therefore a hero.  Also on that team is Chrissy who is a mom.  And therefore also a hero.  She's also 46 and AN OLD LADY.  The healers are people who, HEAL.  And we are introduced to Cole who is a hot although childbait Wilderness Therapy Guide.    Mike is a nerdy sex doctor.  Basically he's also 43 but no one will say a word about HIM being old.  Finally, the hustlers are people who "get shit done".  Alli is a personal assistant to someone on Youtube, because that is now a job.  Ryan is a bellhop, a geek and a chronic masturbater.  I've also read on social media that his claim to fame is wearing a turtleneck on Survivor and would like to correct that-he's wearing a MOCK TURTLE.  

So, they have a few minutes to grab supplies from the big boat and then go to their little boats when Jeff gets to ring the bell.  In a twist they paddle to shore, and hold one person up to get fire from high up torches.  Team 1 gets a fully stocked fire kit, team 2 gets flint and team 3 gets nothing.  Personally?  I like watching the ding dong try to make fire without help.  What evs.  There's also a secret advantage.

Everyone grabs shit and throws it overboard where about 80% of it appears to sink and very little supplies end up in the little boats.  Ryan finds the secret and shoves it down his pants.  The hustlers take off paddling and GETTIN IT DONE the wrong way.  Healers get the fire, heroes get the flint and the hustlers are lost at sea.  

Healers arrive at camp and find a big fire. We meet Roark who is a social worker, Jessica who is a nurse practitioner who thinks Cole is hot.  They're all standing around saying how they are gonna be the winning team because they are so awesome.  And then we meet Joe, who is a probation officer and an asshole.  "I wanted a tribe I could manipulate.  They're my victims".  He's like a little TONY.  

Heroes we meed Ashley who is a lifeguard and has the hots for JP, a firefighter who is in agreement.  They bond and immediately discuss bringing in Cowboy (Ben) as a group aligned.  Alan is an NFL player and do not fucking get me started on how that makes him a hero.  He's kind of an asshole too which makes sense since he played for the Cowboys.  He talks to Ben and they agree they need STRENGTH.  Alan right away gets it up his ass that JP and Ashley are aligned and he starts shit stirring immediately.  But, he agrees to an alliance with them so he doesn't have to be with the MOM SQUAD, Chrissy (46) and Kristina who is a freaking olympian but 46 as well.  

On Hustlers they land on their beach and as far as I can tell the women all strip down to bras and panties to build shelter.  Ok, well NOT Lauren who is a meaty fisherman.  There's a redheaded guy named Patrick that is going to sunburn like nobody's business.  He's a small business owner and seems to be aligning with Ali.  Ryan wanders off to check his advantage which is a post vote play immunity good only for the first tribal, and if his team isn't going to tribal he has to will it to someone who is anonymously.  

Healer Mike says his 10 year old told him to look for an idol, so he goes to find "firewood" and scopes around.  Joe gets his jock in a wad over this and bullying like confronts Mike about looking and possibly finding an idol.  Tells Mike he's SUSPECT and Mike thinks he's a bully. 

Hustler Devon is a surf instructor and Ryan thinks a really good guy so they bond and Ryan tells him about his advantage.  Devon suggests Ryan not run around telling everyone about the advantage.  

On Heroes, NFL non-hero Alan is obsessed with JP and Ashley.  At night he confronts them about JP having an idol and JP is basically forced to drop his pants to prove he doesn't have an idol.  I literally hate this bullying shit.  

Immunity Challenge:  Climb up a cargo net to a tower, pull a cart up to the tower, ride the cart down like a roller coaster, pick one of  3 table mazes, drag the maze to another tower and do the maze.  WHEW.  Oh, and Jeff announces that ties are back in this season.  Does that mean we don't have to do that rock drawing shit?  

Team 1: Healers

Team 2: Hustlers who also get flint

Team 3: Heroes going to tribal.  

Alan, Ben, Ashley and JP: who's going home?  And then Alan decides "I'm blowing it up" because of Ashley and JP.  Alan then talks to the moms, claims no one is talking to him. He gets them all excited and brings Ben over.  Ben is like WTF?  Alan tells Ben he's with him but doesn't trust Ashley and JP.  On the way to tribal  Chrissy finds the package.

Tribal.  GET FIRE BECAUSE IT REPRESENTS YOUR LIFE IN THIS GAME.  Here, Jeff, have your cookie.

Ben: the game is exciting and scary

Chrissy: I felt I don't belong to this team from the start

Katrina, whose first and last words of the show are "I felt the same"

Ashley: On day 2 we had drama from Alan

Alan: all they do is deny, deny, deny

Ashley: he even make JP strip to prove he doesn't have an idol

Chrissy calls them a power couple

Ashely says "there is no me and JP

Alan: I know what I know

Ben: lets just do what we planned and hash it out later

Alan: I had to take a risk so people know what is going on.  

Vote:

Katrina 5

Ashley 1

The special advantage is unused.