Survivor: The massive, missing updates.

So, seriously, no one called or emailed to see if I was still alive??  WTF??  LOL.  Well I am and I just did a 6 episode binge watch in order to get us all caught up.  

OK. so last time we spoke there were still 3 tribes and Nina had just gotten voted off No Collars because she used to have a collar and they could still see the marks.  

So, blah blah blah reward challenge:  It's the blindfolded people having to follow a caller to pick up shit, lift it up to a platform and probably there was a flag involved. Yes, there were flags.  Wanna know?  First place gets chickens and a rooster.  Second gets 10 eggs.  And about 5 minutes into it THERE IS BLOOD!!!  STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING THERE IS OMG BLOOOOOOOOD AND WE NEED MEDICAL But don't take your blindfolds off because it sounds more ominous like a severed limb when you are still blind.  The aussie (but this time a man) medic comes in and says, "meh, just a flesh wound".  And they go about the challenge with all kinds of blood born diseases flowing around.  No collar comes in first, and white collar second.  It's Will's birthday so they decide to eat a chicken for his birthday.  Aaaaand there is always one in the crowd that thinks meat is some magic element that grows on Styrofoam in the supermarket.  Jenn is upset about them eating her friend and she goes off.  And finds an idol.  

Blue tribe is always fighting about something. It's some man vs woman thing today.  On the white tribe Shirin is saying she learned how to kill and skin animals on youtube, and in fact practiced on a rabbit before the show.  Nothing says SOCIOPATH quite like killing animals. There is a lot of general discussion of who is crazier, Max or Shirin.

Immunity Challenge:  It's a rope obstacle to get balls, and then one of those games we had as a kid where you have to get 3 balls into a clowns orifices.  LOL.  What, only I had one of those?  Anyway, blue collars lose and go to tribal.

Dan is a ladies man. He just knows how to smile and nod and not pay any attention the broads because they don't know anything.  Mike and Kelly are the true alliance of this tribe.  They don't trust Rodney or Lindsey.  

At tribal Rodney says something about chicken paaaaahm and tuna fish.  Sierra says Rodney is a pig basically.  Rodney thinks women should hold themselves to a higher level.  

The vote is a 3 way tie between Lindsey, Rodney and Sierra.  Sierra is all WTF???  Revote and Lindsey is gone.  Back at camp Sierra is pissed off and Mike tells her "you're not one of us", while Dan piles on the charm about why she's lazy and bad at challenges and on the outs.  

Reward Challenge:  But first it's a switch up to 2 tribes.  Basically the blue tribe stays the same with the exception of Kelly who gets stuck with most of the No Collars, and Shirin, Max and Carolyn who basically wants to drown herself.  The reward is for kitchen supplies, plus whatever the white collars had won in the past.  Blue wins.

Max and Shirin are totally annoying everyone with their Survivor trivia.  Seriously they are like 2 idiots at a Survivor Fan Conference that don't realize the rest of us are laughing at what complete losers they are.  Kelly goes to talk to them to feel them out in true undercover style.  Shirin, who totally thinks she is in charge "solidified things with Kelly".  

On Blue Mike realized he, Dan and Rodney lighting into Sierra the way they did might not have been a smart move.  She cannot wait for them to take a walk so she can dump on them to her new male tribemates.  "I hate them".  Mike is nervous seeing her talk to Joe, Joaquin and Tyler.

Jenn can't stand Shirin, who announces she is going to try to poop.  "You won't poop if you don't try" which is a complete inaccuracy.  Max gets bitten by 2 stingrays on both of his feet.  Jenn tells him to put his feet in the water pot to soak.  About an hour later he lifts his foot out and he has a BIG OLD NASTY PLANTERS WART.  I seriously want Hali saying "It's discuuuusting" on repeat to use as my new ringtone.  LOL.  He is so awful and clueless that he is awful.  

Will speaks finally and says that Max is on his nerves.  Carolyn, who has been waiting for an opportunity says "welcome to my world".  

Mike tries to get Dan to apologize to Sierra, and he tries to tell him what to say and what to not say.  But Dan has talked to binders full of women in his life and he goes right ahead and pissed her off even more with a crappy "I apologize but you did the same thing to me first".  

Immunity:  Move 2 big post by pushing/pulling a sled through an obstacle course and mud, set them on little stands and then use a wrecking ball to smash 'em.  Ok, basically the red tribe suffers a humiliating defeat as the men on blue are way stronger.  

Max says he had to contain his smile because he's so happy to go to tribal and "change the dynamic of the game".  Seriously, the producers couldn't have created a bigger douchebag if they had made a douchebag robot.  Max goes on this thing about which horoscope sign wins more often and Jenn is like, WHO THE FUCK KNOWS THIS STUFF??"  

Shirin and Max, the power couple, tell Kelly that it's Will.  And they tell Carolyn as well.  Carolyn meanwhile goes to Jenn and tells her she isn't AT ALL part of those 2 nutjobs and she would love to get rid of them.   Max is SO EXCITED to be finally playing Survivor!  Anyone else think he sometimes goes 39 days without showering or changing his clothes to recreate a little Survivor in his life?  

WHO IS MOST ANNOYING???

Tribal

Shirin tells Jeff that they all jelled right from the start, and then she's all OMG JEFF WHY DID YOU MAKE A FACE AT ME???  It was painfully embarrassing.  

Kelly says it was in fact uncomfortable when they got together

Max is all "your hinting at something here Jeff that on paper we're a horrible tribe blah blah blah"

Jenn laughs about his "knowledge" of Survivor.  

Shirin tells her "Survivor has always been my dream".  

Max knows it's not healthy and admits he has to take mandatory vacations.  

Will says those 2 are always constantly talking. 

Hali says that there are loyalty votes.... and there are quality of life votes.....  I'm hoping for a more pleasant tribe.

Vote.  Any idols?  Max pretends to have one.."hey, Jeff, hold up BRO".....just because he has always wanted to say that he does.  

Will gets 2 and Max, your tribe has spoken..... LOL. Shirin is blindsided!!

Next, Shirin is all "no one wants to play with me".  Hali tells her Max was annoying, and so are you. Shirin does the whole Sandy in Grease thing about being different growing up with beautiful and rich classmates and now it's time for her solo:

Shirin, you must start anew
Don't you know, what you must do
Hold your head high, take a deep breath and sigh
Goodbye to Shirin Oskooi.

Rodney is tired of playing with the same people telling the same stories.  He's looking for a new bromance.  Rodney and Jaoq get to bonding.  We're not like Mike who goes to church and is celibate.  We're MENS.  Work haaaaaard and Paaaaaaarty haaaaaaard.  Rodney's got him some plans.  

Reward Challenge:  the required obstacle course, followed by climbing up a giant platform and launching sandbags at targets which, I swear" have people who raise flags if the target is hit.  Wanna know??  An evening trip to a sanctuary with migrating turtles laying eggs.  Oh and beef stew with mac and cheese. 

So, yea same old shit.  But strangely the last part of the course you have to climb up on barrels to shoot the sandbags, but then you can take the steps back down,  because there are steps right there.  Why not let them just go up the friggin steps???

It comes down to Tyler missing and Jenn hitting for the win.  Shirin is excited for her change to bond as the new leather wearing, teased hair Shirin.  

Joaq talks to Sierra about getting her old tribe mates out.  And then it's an easy layup.  Joac has Sierra, Tyler and he thinks Rodney as his 4 some.  Sierra hates Rodney so Joac approaches him about the plan.  He needs Rodney to suck up to Sierra.  Rodney is planning on going with these 4 and then flipping and being control of the game.  Rodney cooks up a scheme to throw the next challenge and get rid of Joe before the merge.  He gets Mike on board.  Mike 'splains that losing on purpose never really works but THIS TIME it's now no fail.  

Immunity Challenge"  Memorize a bunch of objects and their order and then recreate it.  Rodney is up against Carolyn, and Carolyn wins.  Sierra loses to Hali, Joe beats Will and Dan beats Shirin to bring it to a 2-2 tie with Mike up against Kelly.  Mike starts off trying to fake that he can't do it, and Kelly gets it wrong.  They reset and he basically tells her "I'm giving it to you", and he tells her the order they are in.  She gets it wrong again.  Again.  He finally tells her, "Just look at mine and switch the bottles in the middle".  She does and finally gets it right.  Jesus.  

Back at camp, Mike is starting to not trust Rodney because of the bromance.  Mike tells Rodney it's Joe.  Mike and Dan talk to Joe who tells them "I think Rodney and Joaq are reeling Sierra in".  Sierra is still mad at Dan.  Mike and Dan talk to Sierra about Rodney and Jaoq.  

Tribal

Joe says yes the blue tribe is one big happy family with cracks

Dan says they are dysfunctional

Sierra says, yep, I was crapped on.  Mike was marginally better to me... I feel better with these new guys might be a good opportunity for me.

Joac says lots of people come up to you...

Joe says it could all be bullshit. I have no one...

Sierra is still on the 'I was personally attacked" thing.

Mike is hopefully pushing the early trust thing.  

Time to vote.

Joe gets 3 votes but Joaq gets the majority and is off the island.  Rodney is very confused.

Next week, Rodney is PISSED OFF by the blindside.   Mike talks to him about everyone being worried he was too close to Joac.  Rodney tells Mike it was a "bergasie fake alliance" , which means nothing to me. He says he was only doing it to pull information from them before the alliance.  He wasn't falling into a bromance trap but was acting, bro.  I was putting my De Niro on.  And now he's all "disrespected".  I'm now Mike's bitch until the merge.  

Tree mail...is it a merge?  Kelly tries to sell it that she doesn't like any of her old teammates but Carolyn isn't buying it.  

They get to the beach and there's no Jeff because even his isn't digging anyone on this season.  There's a note and a box of food.  Merged.  While they are eating they discuss what everyone thought was gonna happen with the split and it's universally excepted that everyone was waiting for a Rodney.Joaquin bromance.  Carolyn and Tyler manage to whisper to each other that you can't show that you are close to anyone.  They get back and the former camp is all gone.  It's day one and time to start over.  Mike and Kelly are back together.  The Blues are 5 strong but they need 2 more for the numbers.  Jenn knows they've lost Kelly.  Hali admits they're gonna have to suck it up and put up with Shirin.  

Rodney is actually working another angle to get rid of Mike, Dan and Sierra who got rid of him date.  He's thinking  of working with the no collars with Kelly and Carolyn and chopping off the heads of the blues.  Tyler and Carolyn realize they are the swing votes.  

Dan gets a jellyfish sting.  He runs into Jenn and tells her he's already peed on it.  She tells him he needs to put it in hot water.  He walks into camp and demands hot water.

Mike decides to name the tribe MERICA, which is so redneck it made me laugh out loud. Shirin thinks it's ridiculous and that he's a red neck idiot that doesn't know his own country's name.  Even Sarah Palin knows there is an A in America.  

Mike tells Rodney they are going to get Joe out of there.  Says he has to do "Rodney Maintenance".  

Individual Immunity.  It's the tried and true pole hugging challenge.  It's pretty eventful. even with Jenn getting stung in the hoo haa.  It starts to rain even.  Finally, Carolyn falls off and Joe wins immunity.  Which leaves everyone scrambling for a new plan.  Mike is wondering, Jenn or Hali?  He needs Rodney to think he's in control.  He also wants to feel Will out so he tells him Hali.  Kelly tells Carolyn they need to split up Jenn and Hali.  

Jenn's idea is to get rid of Kelly to cripple the blue tribe.  Mike and Tyler talk.  Tyler doesn't trust him, says he has to loop him in.  Tyler has options.  

Jenn tells Hali she has an idol so they need to figure out which of them is going to get the votes.  

Tribal

Will says, yes Jeff you can feel the electricity.  Nobody is safe.  Hell, it might be you Jeff tonight!  

Joe says there are 12 strategies and everyone is holding a knife.  

Will says "this is how I have to go to show loyalty:

Mike says basically the white collars are in charge.  

Tyler says this vote will divide the tribe tonight.

Carolyn agrees that lines will be drawn.

Jenn says there has been chaos all day but there is always a bottom level rumor that never goes away.

Jeff asks about any idol play, which I think hasn't occurred to anyone.  

Dan says pleading your case won't help tonight because the tribe is going to be divided by a chainsaw.

Vote.  Any idols?  BOOM, Jenn plays hers.  No votes for Jenn count and Kelly is voted off.  

Shit just got real!  

Next week, Rodney is angry.  LOL.  He is always angry.  He's a little hustler who changes directions constantly and lies to get away with it.  He's blaming Mike-"Idiot redneck".  Rodney tells Will this is interesting stuff, and they should sit back and let Mike get rid of people and then they'll run the ship.  

Mike tells Jenn that he "respected" that play.  Jenn says No Collars are back in town and there are more games to be played.  

Rodney is being an ultimate douche.  He tells Shirin to add more rice BECAUSE I SAID SO.  And then a salami fight breaks out because he is removing the casing and Shirin doesn't want him to. He tells her that it's pointless for her because they have 7, and the game is over for them.  "We just have to weed out the garbage".  

Reward Challenge:  It's balance beams, puzzle pieces and then the top 3 do the puzzle.  Reward is a zipline trip with a pizza picnic.  

It comes down to Joe, Mike  and Hali doing the puzzle.  Joe wins reward.  He gets to pick  to join him and chooses. Tyler, Will and Carolyn.  One more.....he picks "superfan" Shirin.  Rodney is all "we're 7 strong we don't need a picnic".  Mike is concerned because he knows there will probably be a clue to an idol.  And in fact Joe sees Carolyn's bottle of soda has a clue in it and asks if there is anything left to drink.  She offers him her soda and he tries to slip the clue into his mouth.  Tyler sees it.  Tyler doesn't say anything.  

At camp, Joe knows he's busted so they take a walk, which makes Mike suspicious.  Mike follows them.  He wonders why Joe would be sharing.  He joins them and then Tyler reveals that Joe got a clue and he tells them what the clue said.  Mike runs into camp basically yelling FIND JOE!!  After a mad scramble Mike tells everyone he saw Joe find the idol.  He does a big drama about "HEY GOOD LUCK BUDDY, GLAD YOU FOUND IT",  to put a target on Joe's back.  

Dan is in the water pooping with Shirin and he's like "why can't you people do basic math?  You're one of Joe's minions.  Your game is over.  Dan want to slap her.  "There are 2 people in Survivor- those that don't do anything and those that annoy everyone.  You're annoying.  

Mike is looking for the idol, and eating termites.  He finally finds it to the hashtag #happydance.  

Immunity Challenge.  It's a set of 3 of those puzzles we used to be given for long car trips where you have to slide little tiles around to spell shit.  I hated those.  Shirin is excited because she is all into puzzles.  

Joe of course is first to the final puzzle.  Dan keeps saying he has it but he doesn't.  Finally....wait for it....Joe wins immunity!  

Rodney is mad....at Mike again.  LOL.  Shirin says everyone thinks she's weak and not a threat. Mike, Carolyn, Dan, Tyler and Sierra get together to discuss the vote. Carolyn suggests that they vote out Shirin.  Mike is afraid she might have the idol so he suggests Hali, because she is Joe's ally.  Tyler tells them that he doesn't think Shirin has the white collar idol.  Hmmmmm, how come he's so sure of that??  

Shirin tells the girls what Dan said to her.  They girls all pretend they're all girl power gonna stick together.  They decide on Dan.  Shirin tells Tyler their plan.  THEN WHAT??  Well, a blue kingpin is gone...

Tribal

Tyler admits Jenn using her idol bummed a lot of people out.  He says lines were already starting to blur.

Sierra says she can go either way.

Dan says something about flippers never win.

Shirin disagrees and points out that Tony was a flipper who won.  

Hali goes on some drug induced thing about MERICA and what would have happened if the colonists would have never flipped on the British....

Um, yea, it's time to vote.

Any idols?  No?  

Dan gets 4 votes.....But Hali is the first member of the jury.....  Joe whispers "I'm sorry".  

WHEW.  I WILL NEVER WAIT UNTIL THE END OF THE SEMESTER TO DO ALL OF MY HOMEWORK AGAIN, I PROMISE.  

  

Quick Survivor Update: Week 3

This  is gonna be a quick one, and not because of too much St Pats celebrating.  

Apparently last week's theme was "who is the biggest pain in the ass on your tribe?"  On the WC tribe, it's apparently Shirin,  We see her talking to a monkey and then watching monkey sex, but hey, WHO WOULDN'T WATCH THAT SHIT???  Her mistake apparently was running back to the cool kids and saying OMG I JUST WATCHED 2 MONKEYS HAVE SEX!!!!!  And the cool rich kids are all, "meh, I was once on a safari and watched lots of animals have sex".  Plus, being in corporate America they watch people getting screwed every damn day.  Carolyn has her cameo asking how Shirin works in Corporate America (like it's a fucking kingdom all its own) and be crazy?  Well, since Shirin actually works at Yahoo, it's probably a necessary quality.  Shirin apparently has the black X of doom on her back.

On the BC tribe there is actually a contest for asshole of the week.  First we get fat and old Dan Wanna know how old Dan is?  HE'S FRIGGIN 47 YEARS OLD.  Are you kidding me???  Blue collar work is apparently a killer.  He admits he has a big mouth.  Which he used to his disadvantage in a little bantering with Rodney, telling him "your mother's a %^%^$".  Rodney is a hot head himself and he gets his Boston all up.  "You're lucky you're on Survivor".  Kelly, who is a cop is all "these people are too serious".  She deals with drunks having fights all the time and knows to slow walk to the situation and give the drunks a change to kiss and make up.  Also vying and possibly winning the asshole title is Texas Mike.  Even his bathing suit is the Texas flag.  He's a type A asshole who can't stop working, because  his father-figure preacher told him to work hard.  Jeezuz, do we always have to have a crazy Christian on this show?  For the first 3 weeks I thought he had a tattoo on his back like a sports jersey but apparently it's a bible verse.  

Mike and Rodney get into it because Mike wants Rodney to get firewood RIGHT FUCKING NOW.  Rodney wants to eat his rice and then get firewood a little later.  Rodney loses it and rants to his now buddy again Dan "I don't work for nobody".  He does a pretty awesome rant on Texas and working on an ooil rig.  

And just to keep the contest on a equal opportunity basis, Mike gets into it with the girls who are also tired of him being a dick and never saying thanks or recognizing all they do.  I have a theory that the white collars get their rewards in money but the blue collars need to be recognized for their work in order to feel good.  It's very important apparently.  Lindsay loses it and says DID YOUR GOD MAKE THIS FIRE??? Yea that might have been a bit too far but Mike keeps saying over and over "then send me home".  Might get your wish dude.  

And the no collars, well they get off on doing whatever the hell they feel like.  For Hali and Jenn it was surfing this week.  Because NCs are ALL ABOUT FUN.  Nina clearly is too intense for this tribe.  She knows she is probably next going home and asks if they can just not make her feel like an outsider until then.  Joe (aka Orlando Bloom from Pirates of the Caribbean) tries to be nice to her and sweet talk her.  He's like, "you don't know you're next".  Nina says she used to be WC, in sales and management but since she lost her hearing 7 years ago she thought she was a no collar.  BUT THESE KIDS ARE JUST A BUNCH OF NUTJOBS.  I'm betting half of these kids are on their parent's healhcare plan and living in their basements.  Nina correctly understands there is such a thing as needing to EAT, needing medical care and NEEDING TO HAVE MONEY TO RETIRE ON SOMEDAY.  Part of me thinks these Peter Pan "I never want to grow up" kids resent her and see her as a mom figure.  Plus, that whole deaf thing is a total downer, man.  Will?  I can't figure him out.  His claim to fame is a youtube video of he and his wife singing and dancing at a gas station pump.  And yes, you've probably seen it.  Does he have a job?  No one seems to know.  I don't really see him as no collar either.  But he's black so I guess he wouldn't fit the white or blue collar expected narrative.  Oh, was that bad to say out loud?  

WCs spent a bit of time looking for the idol, which Carolyn has.  Carolyn sits on her ass "tending the fire".  Why not just put a giant sign on your back that says I ALREADY FOUND THE IDOL.  Shirin gets tired of looking and wants to declare a truce until the next clue.  Joaquin loses it on her telling her she's a paranoid. panicky woman.  He calls her a blood sucking leech.  Tyler knows Carolyn has the idol but when Joaquin shares the clue he doesn't say anything.  Tyler also thinks Shirin is crazy mainly due to the no pants thing, but he also thinks Joaquin is on the outs.  

Whew. Finally the Immunity Challenge.  Wanna know?  Comfort.  Ist prize is the Pier One imports Survivor collection.  Second is a tarp.  Third is a date with Jeff.  

It's carry the barrel time!  Only the barrel has holes in it that the tribe has to use their hands to plug up while they  walk through a grid thing and then dump the water into another bucket, raise the flag.  

Bottom line, Orlando Bloom makes the stupid decision of not having Nina help with the holes.  DUDE, SHE'S DEAF NOT BLIND.  Consequently they get their asses kicked.  Blue collar wins the goods, white gets the tarp and no collar gets a trip to tribal.

It's kind of a given what's gonna happen but they spend a quick couple of minutes trying to convince us that Will might also be in jeopardy because he's out of shape and screws up challenges.  Orlando takes full blame for the hole decision, an apologizes to Nina for not trusting her.  The 3 cool kids are kind of like, yea either the black guy or the deaf chick.  Whatevs.  

Tribal.

Jeff:  last time you were all about trust and then Will voted differently.  Was that a surprise?

Will: I had to explain my vote after tribal.

Orlando:  In this game you only get a few changes to screw up and to lose everyone's trust.  TRUST IS HUGE

Jeff:  Why pull Nina??

Orlando: Yea, that was my fault.  I was afraid she would fall and take the bucket down with her.  BECAUSE SHE IS DEAF

Nina:  Because of my disability they look at me as fully disabled not just unable to hear.

Jenn rolls her eyes and basically is SOOO TIRED OF THIS CAN'T HEAR SHIT.  

Will thinks it's bullshit. He says she keeps making it about her deafness, they don't

Jeff asks some philosophical bullshit about "perception becoming reality" and Orlando jumps in and says he doesn't judge.

Will is forced to admit he got winded in the challenge but he says the problem is they didn't work together.  

Nina says they's be crazy to keep Will.

Jenn tells her basically, SHUT BITCH YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY WEAK.

Hali correctly states that she thinks Nina is on the wrong tribe.  She doesn't go with the flow and probably never even surfs!  

Nina admits she used to be corporate but she does feel like she is no collar.

Hali tells her, "well if you want to be a no collar you gotta start acting like a no collar".  

Then they vote and Nina is sent home.  Probably best for all involved.  

Survivor: One Uterus

Dang, finale tomorrow night!!  Can't wait. 

Last week saw Kat get her funny blindside and man oh man was she a mad bitch at tribal this week!  LOL.  Guess it wasn't that fun after all!  And if you watch the Ponderosa clip of her arriving at camp, she had to be accompanied by the Survivor Psychologist. 

OK.  So now it's all scrambling for top 4.  Tarzan has a plan.  He talks to Kim, says take me to 4 and I will talk you up once I get onto the jury.  He badmouths Alicia to her and tells her Chelsea is basically her biggest threat. 

Then he turns around and tells Alicia if she keeps him until 4 "I'll talk you up to the jury". 

Chelsea tries to pull Christina in.  Tells her she will take her on reward if she wins because Christina is so hungry.  Christina runs right back to Alicia, Tarzan and Kim and tells "her alliance" what Chelsea said.  Kim is worried that Chelsea might blow her cover so she goes and tells Chelsea what Christina said.  Chelsea is pissed off. 

Challenge: It's a dizzying one.  Survivors have to spin around poles to unscrew disks, then use the disks to decode the 3 numbers that unlock a flag.  Wanna know what you're playing for?  A night on a luxury yacht. 

Chelsea wins reward and says she is going to use fairness to chose who goes.  Picks hungry Sabrina and then picks Kim.  Totally stiffs Christina. 

Back at camp, Alicia is totally pissed off.  As is Christina.  Says it was not in fact fair to pick Kim since she has been on 3 recent rewards.  Alicia, Tarzan and Christina are thinking that Sabrina, Chelsea and Kim might in fact be in an alliance and decide to force Kim to vote off Chelsea to prove her loyalty.  Tarzan tells them that "Kim and Chelsea are deceiving you guys". 

The yacht is wonderful, they get clean and all decide that they are final 3. 

Next morning Tarzan is crabby.  Wants to make the coconut his way which Alicia is afraid means straining it through his buff which apparently has been near his ass.  Alicia and Kim talk and Kim puts the idea in her head that Tarzan is playing them both.  Mentions what he said about the jury and Alicia says, "hey me too".  They are convinced that Tarzan is playing them  both and they would have looked like total idiots.  Alicia gets her "ghetto Puerto Rican" on, as well as her ghetto leopard bra (which is still tight as hell) and they both tell Christina what they heard. 

Challenge: it's a one hand game of barrel of monkeys to pick up puzzle pieces and then assemble a fish puzzle. 

Alicia wins immunity. 

At camp Tarzan calls her a bitch for winning the challenge and says "I should have won it wasn't even physical".  Niiiice. 

Kim talks to Sabrina and says that she conned Alicia to not trust Tarzan, but she also tells Chelsea that she might go.  Chelsea is pissed about going before Christina who "doesn't do anything".  Sabrina tells her to take it one hour at a time and Chelsea decides that Kim needs to work on Alicia. 

Tarzan and Alicia talk and Tarzan says "I sense you don't want to take me to final 3..."  She assures him that is not the case.  For some reason Tarzan wants to wear Kat's pink tank top to tribal and also her bathing suit bottoms on his head, which the ladies think is highly unsanitary. 

Tribal:  Kat is one pissed off jurist! 

Tarzan why are you still here?   Because I helped the ladies get rid of the men. 
Sabrina: He's still a man and IT'S A RISK TO TAKE HIM
Tarzan: I put Kat's panties on my head and they all freaked out. 
Sabrina: I think he is totally playing us.
Alicia: I wanna bitch about Chelsea taking Kim on reward. 
Christina: I was disappointed that she broke her word
Chelsea: You broke yours 5 minutes later...  And anyway TARZAN IS TOTALLY PLAYING US
Tarzan: I am not playing them.

Vote.  Tarzan is the last man standing but no longer!  It's a game on hormonal mess tomorrow night!!

Survivor: Ahh, young grasshopper...

So I flat out didn't get last week's update done because the Dad was back in the hospital.  He's fine for now...  I'm bummed because I had a totally awesome riff on the slip and slide challenge.  Bottom line, Troyzan is no more.  On his way out the door he leaned over and told Kat to "do it". 

Alicia is all up Christine's ass again.  Perhaps because Christine doesn't have a giant ASS?  I mean, come on Alicia, try laying off the carbs.  "Christine is stupid.  She showed that to the jury".  And you my dear have shown yourself to be a crazy ass mean girl.  Alicia is all worried about Sabrina because she can talk and make good arguments.  Alicia informs us that "I am in control".  lol.  You can't even control those boobs of yours. 

So Kit tells everyone that Troy told her to "do it" but is all "I have no idea what he was talking about".  Hmmmmmm.  Great way to keep working that into everyone's brain Kit.

Treemail.  Ugh, it's the Sprint family video thing.  It is seriously boring.  Christina's dad just had a kidney transplant so he's apparently got limited time, and Tarzan's wife Terri is just a bad bottle blonde.  Not what I expected of a plastic surgeon's wife.  Sabrina is all "Tarzan needs to get time with his wife of 30 years because he is 65 and they both could drop dead at any moment".  LOL. 

Challenge, with the families.  And OMFG do they drag this on an on and on.  One by one.  And what a surprise, Alicia's sister says that they are not an "emotional" family.  Oh, so she's a freaking mean bitch too?  Tarzan's wife comes running out with her big ass artificial jugs just bouncing all over the place.  Wowza.  Oh, how weird is this?  Kat's cousin comes in and Kat like crawls on all fours like a dog and then they do some weird talking thing.  Just freaking WEIRD. 

It's a rope challenge, horizontal and the pairs have to undo the puzzle aspect of it.  Whatevs.

Skip to the chase, Kat wins reward, which is some food thing with alcohol.  She wants to hang and drink with her 2 best buddies so she takes Kim and Alicia with her. It basically pisses everyone off.  At the reward Kat is obnoxious.  "We're the top 3"!  Kim talks to her sister  and she says, yea these are  probably the 2 morons I'm going to the finale with.  Alicia is just delusional that people like her. 

Back at camp Sabrina is annoyed that Kat didn't take Tarzan and Christina.  Chelsea admits that Kat screwed up big time on that one.  Plus, she is concerned about Troy's comment and the fact that the men like her.  Because basically every woman knows that men love to fantasize about having sex with incredibly stupid women.  And do not even try to argue with me on this one. 

When they return Kim and Chelsea talk. Kim still wants Sabrina but Chelsea is leaning towards Kat.  Kim is going to flat out stop hiding her strengths and go for all the immunity wins.  And, from the look at her mustache, her testosterone levels are quite high.

Challenge. Ahhhhh, no puzzle.  It's a 50 Shades of Blue challenge where Jeff has then all on a platform with their hands behind their backs holding onto ROPE, and gets to slowly lower the ropes down so they are hanging closer and closer to the water, and in pain.  Uhuh. 

Sabrina is first out.  Alicia looks at Kat who does a little dance.  Tarzan out.  Alicia out.  Chelsea out and Christina out.  It comes down to Kat and Kim.  Kat is basically pissed that Kim is going for it because "you win everything".  Finally Kat falls in and Kim wins immunity.  Kat is not a gracious loser.  She is pissed that an old lady of 28 kicked her ass. 

Alicia is easily swayed by the fact that Sabrina fell in first.  'I could beat her even with my fat thighs".  Thinks Kat was too strong. 

Kim and Alicia talk to Sabrina and tell her Kat, but Kim still wants Sabrina.  Back and forth.

Challenge.  Blue, meh.

Kat: It was so hard for me to chose and it really hurt my feelings.  Jeff: It hurt YOUR feelings??
Sabrina: she was clearly not playing strategic.  The 22  year old wanted to play.  She'll regret it.
Kat: Yea, I am young and naive.
Chelsea: She uses that 22 year naive excuse way to much
Kat: Hey, why is tonight all about me? 
Tarzan: She is 22 and an idiot.  She didn't get why it would be important to take other people but it doesn't bother me.
Jeff: At the challenge, Sabrina was first out.  I was surprised.
Alicia: I don't know if she was acting or not but I didn't know Kat had it in her.  She was a poor sport though.
Kat: Hey, wait, why is everyone bagging on me?  Pay attention little moron...

And in the best line of the season Kat says, "A blindside would be fun and exciting!"   After which she was totally blindsided and sent packing.  Booohooooo.  "I am mortified to have left before Tarzan and Christina.  I'll beg Jeff to let me play again".  Oh please no...

Survivor: Who's NOT Pissed Off??

It's Wednesday afternoon, so it's time for me to feverishly write up the blog.  Show of hands, who noticed I never did one last week?  Yea, lazy ass.  Ok, so last week Chelsea won immunity, the girls coalesced and Troy played the idol.  Since the women split the vote between Troy and Jay, Jay was left with that always surprised stupid look on his face.  Wonder if he realizes those girls are not his alliance yet??

And can I say, GAWD I miss Colton!!!  Who knew?? 

So, last week.  Troy is PISSED OFF.  Like REALLY REALLY PISSED OFF.  He knows he's next in line and he is "out to win".  He tells Chelsea "I feel like I should be here longer than 3/4 or these people".  She says it's just a game and he should take it like a man.  "Girls always get their stuff and then they dump the guy". 

Treemail: Individual envelopes with cash.  It's an auction clearly.  Troy knows there is usually an "advantage" sold at the auction and decides he is going to get it. 

Jeff is in that black shirt again.  Which he never wore until he got married.  I feel like it's a cry for help. 

Item 1: 3 donuts and an iced coffee.  Kim and Chelsea vie for it and Chelsea buys it for $160.  Must be Starbucks coffee. 
Item 2: The Karen Sellman Special: Chips, Guacamole and a Margarita.  Sabrina grabs this for $400.
Item 3: Protein shake and bananas, which little monkey man Leif snags for a measly $100
Item 4: A shower, shampoo and a toothbrush.  Kim walks away with this for $40.  Seriously, I wonder if you could have bought it and made someone else use it if it would have gone higher??
Item 5: BLT, chips and an iced tea goes to Kat for $180. 
Item 6: Peanut butter and chocolate has Kim coming out of the shower to purchase this for $200.  Alicia is too cheap with the Survivor money! 

Jeff asks Tarzan why he isn't bidding on food and he says that he's saving it to buy shocks for his car.  Either that or he knows there are hookers available for the jury. 

Item 7: Letters from home.  Awwww.  Alicia spends her whole $500 for letters from her Dad.  Jeff asks if anyone else wants to buy their letters?  Tarzan is crying and decides that it puts the car repair in perspective. 

Troy is also crying because he's all alone.  Nobody likes him, he has no alliance left...

Item 8 is the advantage.  Troy and Christine start bidding.  WHY did Troy not just start at $500 if he really wanted it that bad??  Stupid.  But everyone else is pushing Christine to increase her bid.  Troy finally gets it for $420 and is all PISSED off that they all want him off that bad that they're all in for Christine to buy the advantage. 

Item 9 is covered and comes with a note.  Kat buys it for $160 and it's an entire cake for the whole tribe, although they only get 60 seconds to eat.  Not very  healthy if you ask me. 

And with that the auction is over.  I always wonder what it feels like after all these days to suddenly eat a shitload of sugar.  Kinda like Easter morning in the no chocolate during lent households I guess-although thanksgod I have never lived in one of those households!!

Back at camp, Troy reads his advantage, "move directly to the second part of the immunity challenge".  He's also crazily looking for another immunity idol "without shame".  Why would you have shame?  And why are the rest of the  idiots not looking??

Everyone is bagging on poor Christine for not buying the note.  So for once they want Christine to stay around! 

Troy is looking all over for the idol, and Kim sees him and he fakes that he has it.  Everyone's freaking out, and Kim isn't the golden girl anymore. 

Challenge: Jeff is in dark blue.  Sorry, Jeff, Nene on Real Housewives of Atlanta suggests we ladies close our legs to married men. 

For some strange reason only Leif has painted his face.  Part one of the challenge is what I like to call the jewelry box challenge, aka untangling knots.  Only 3 people plus Troy will move on to the second stage, which is the bounce coconuts at a target challenge.  Only 2 will move onto the final leg, which is the fire coconuts at a target challenge. 

Moving on with Troy are Tarzan (yes, in that damn speedo), Kim and Christina.  Moving on to the final part are Troy and Tarzan.....................and TROY WINS IMMUNITY!! On his way over to get the necklace he says "Don't eff with me".  Which surprisingly does not go over well! 

Whole lotta pissed off people back at camp!  Tarzan tells Troyzan "when you win you should be noble".  Troy is pretty much FUCK THAT. 

And with that the paranoia sets in big time.  Kim and Christina decide there's no point in voting off a girl now just to do so, so it has to be a guy, leaving Tarzan and Leif on the chopping block.  Tarzan is helping little Leif wipe the strange makeup off his little face.  They're both kinda like, well it's you or me!  Troy decides to talk to the peeps he thinks are on the bottom to upend the game.  He's working it.  Alicia tells Kim that Troy is on to something...

Tribal. 
Troy, you seem to be showing a little animosity?  It's my competitive spirit Jeff, they are all gunning for me.  Sabrina, do you think it's just competitiveness?  He is competitive but you also need to be likable.  They go back and forth in a big fight that everyone else just sits back and watches.  Troy brings up his idea that Tarzan, Leif, Christina and  Alicia long with him could vote Kim out and change the game.  He says they would have the numbers to do it. 

Kim agrees they have the numbers but "no one knows who is at the bottom".  Oh, I'm pretty sure someone does, Kim!  Christina agrees that Troy's math works.  And Alicia says, "if someone would flip, the girls would be screwed".  Alicia isn't sure when the best time to make a move is.

And can I add, before they vote that I would be freaking PISSED off if I starved for 27 days and still had Alicia's thighs. 

Vote: Kim gets 2 votes, Tarzan gets 3 and Leif is the 4th member of the jury.  I'll miss you ya little monkey!!

The Uncola Survivor

Yo, so looks like Survivor has a new sponsor to cram down our throats.  7-up, the drink that no one really likes and only orders when it's the only non-caffeine option.  The drink you have to be stranded on a deserted Island for 23 days in order to like. 

And what a difference those 23 days have made to the women's tribe!  Who would have thought the ladies would be in charge of the game?? 

Jonas the sous chef took his chef jacket and went to jury land last week.  I mean, come on, I used to wear a lab coat to work but there is no way I would have worn it onto Survivor!  OK dude, WE GET THAT YOU ARE A COOK.  I'll have to watch to see if he wears it to tribal. 

Without Jonas, the men are a little nervous that the women are going to run the game.  Troyzan and Jay decide it has to be a girl that goes next. 

Treemail.  Yea, and a bottle of 7-up.  For today's reward challenge the tribe will be divided into 2  and will go to the Atlantis resort in the Bahamas to try out their water slide.  What?  They built a slide on Survivor?  Ok. So they have to go down the slide, run out into the water and bring back giant puzzle blocks.  When all the blocks are on the beach.....start the puzzle.  Wanna know how many times we can push 7-up?  Reward is a trip to the 7-UP oasis.  With food and stuff, and 7-UP.  Oh and here's a bottle of 7-UP for you all to swap spit on right now. 

The green tribe is made up of Jay, Troyzan, Chelsea, Alicia and Kat. The yellow tribe consists of Leif, Michael, Kim, Christina and Sabrina. Tarzan was not picked, so he sits out of this challenge and picks nits out of his chest hair.  I'll spare you the boredom of watching people do puzzles.  The yellow tribe wins the uncola reward. 


Leif does a flip into the oasis swimming pool.  I really like him, he is just like a little monkey and not at all creepy like most little people.  LOL.  Politically incorrect enough for ya, Sellman??  They grill meat and eat.  Later Kim and Sabrina sit by the pool and strategize.   Basically Kim has to decide whether to obviously break her alliance to the guys or to stick with the women.  They decide to get rid of Michael (Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo) and hatch a plan to tell Troyzan that Michael is talking smack about him. 

Back at camp the losers are talking about how they didn't really want steak anyway, and GOD KNOWS they don't want any more of that crappy soda.  Chelsea asks who they think they should vote out and the men are pretty determined it be Christina.  Kat starts pushing Michael and they guys start to get worried.  Everyone returns and they even bring a cooler of 7-up, because the crew won't even drink that shit. 

So, it apparently is stormy that night and some of the shelter blows away.  And then Tarzan gets caught taking some bamboo from the shelter to use as firewood and a little tiff occurs.  Chelsea bags him about it and Tarzan takes her aside and basically asks if she had a problem with the doctor that did her boob  job and if that is why she's mean to him.  LOL.  It was pretty amusing.  He really has some kind of personality disorder. 

Kim tells Troyzan that Michael has been conspiring against him and idiot that he is, Troyzan takes the bait. 

Immunity Challenge:  And, hey, it's a puzzle!!!  Walk along a ladder bridge unraveling a bag o' puzzles.  The first four then get to DO the puzzle.  Jay, Kim, Troyzan and Alicia get to do the puzzle.  It's a pretty hard 60 piece puzzle with different heights.  Jay wins immunity.

Will it be Christina  or Michael?  Lots of boring discussion.  Cheslea asks Jay to vote for Michael in front of Christina and Alicia which pisses Jay off since he thought Christina and Alicia were not part of their alliance, making Jay think there might be a girl alliance going on.  Everyone runs to Kim to tell her what happened and she's not happy either.  Kim goes after Jay and Michael and tells them they are voting out Christina.  It's apparently a big mess for Kim who is trying to work both sides of the street. 

Tribal is kinda boring.  No one freaks out or anything.  No one will admit to being afraid they are going home, to which Tarzan says "that means there is some big deception going on".  Michael says there are several alliances going on but he feels safe.

Vote: 2 Christina, 2 Tarzan and 5 for Michael. 

Survivor: One Karma

Ding dong the witch is dead, which old which? The green shirted gay bigoted witch.  Say it with me people, KARMA IS A BITCH. 

So, last week Monica went.  Alicia is thrilled and is laughing.  I'm with the guys.  She and Colton are just mean bitches to Christina.  "Good luck, you might be making an alliance with a hermit crab" "You're this season's cockroach" "You're gone, even if we merge".  They also refuse to give her a place to sleep.  Bitches.

On the beautiful people tribe, Kat is telling everyone she had a dream that Alicia killed her at the mall.  Which is frankly entirely possible. 

Tree mail: "Silly and Sweet".  Troyzan is already to eat some sweets so he declares "we're kicking their ass".

The challenge is to bounce coconuts on a trampoline and smash giant drum things.  The reward is a trip to the Survivor Ben and Jorge Ice Cream Parlor.    Colton begs his team "pleasepleasepleaase".  I hate Colton.  Maybe if you wanted friggin ice cream you should have kept your best player, huh douchebag?

Everyone pretty much sucks at first.  Colton sucks, Alicia and her fat ASS suck.  Christina misses and apparently doesn't run fast enough and Colton freaks out and yells "Run you stupid bitch".  It is surprisingly tied.  Alicia sucks so bad Jeff tells her his nephew throws harder.  Troyzan throws the winning shot!  SUCK ON NOTHING COLTON. 

Colton ignores his and fat assed Alicia's dismal performances and says Christina can quit, wait 2 days to be voted off or jump in the fire and be medivac'd off because he HATES HATES HATES everything about her.

Ice cream social is just a bunch of beautiful people eating ice cream and loving life.

Colton and Alicia are really bagging on Christina.  Jonas thinks they're a little over the top.  No need to get so personal and twist the knife so badly.  Christina talks to Leif (oh, who is just a little monkey in these challenges!) and says you know if we merge Alicia is going to go back to the girls alliance and you will not have the numbers...She promises to vote with them.  Alicia and her fat ass are standing behind her and she claps and says "Game over girl...you suck at this game".  And then she just basically goes nuts on Christina, how she's a loser, how Alicia is done done done done with you.  It's pretty dramatic and Jonas and Leif are watching the whole thing. 

Colton has a headache and is laying with his head in Christina's lap while she mothers him.  Me?  I'd be banging pots and making a ton of annoying headachy noise.  Tarzan tells him he's dehydrated and needs to drink more water.  Privately Tarzan says he thinks Colton might be having appendicitis. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.  Colton, like most wolves, walks off into the wilderness to lay down and die.  Excellent idea!  Christina finds him and runs to get medical.  It's the best 5 minutes of this entire season. 

Jeff: We have to take you out.  Colton: Can I give someone the immunity idol?  Jeff: That's up to you. So they bring the entire tribe over for the big goodbye scene.  He keeps the idol and Alicia is PISSSSSED.  "Colton is a spoiled brat.  He screwed me". 

Jonas is upset because Colton loved the game.  Oh, and for those of you suggesting they bring Colton back?  They could do that but most people have seen his strategy and he wouldn't last a day, IMO.  Jonas also things it might be wiser to get rid of fat assed Alicia. 

Tree mail:  No win, no loss both tribes go to tribal tonight.  The beautiful people tribe is freaking out.  Jonas is like OH SNAP!! 

And then there is some really nasty scene where Alicia asks Tarzan if he will be her friend?  He says yes.  Christina asks  him too and he says NO.  What a dick.  He says Leif and Jonas would be my friends too. 

Christina tells the guys that she is with them.  Leif and Jonas are leaning towards Alicia.  Leif talks to Tarzan, Tarzan is all Christina is a suck up who just tells people what they want to hear.  Leif says, "that sounds more like Alicia".. But for some reason Tarzan is a fan of the fat ass. 

Alicia is still pissed about the idol.

Tribal.  Both teams come in.  Oooh, Where's Colton??  Jeff explains that he had emergency surgery on his appendix. Kat doesn't know what an appendix is.  Most people say they have had theirs out. 

Troy, will this change the game?  Yes although I am sad for Colton. Kim says, yea, it's tough but that's one person down! 
Alicia interrupts and says "Oh Sabrina, he said thanks for the idol. He took it with him".  Hmmmmm.  Sabrina do you believe that?  Yea, he liked it.  Chelsea doesn't believe he kept if and if he did they wouldn't admit it.  Tarzan says some shit about "Colton told her to say that", which makes it even more murky.  Kat is still worrying about this whole appendix thing and how she can "not hurt mine". 

Drop your buffs, we're merging.  1 tribe, 6 men and 6 women.  Will the old tribe alliances hold?? 

Survivor: Hating Colton!!!

Seriously, I don't even want to write this week up because I'm just so pissed off at that little creep.  I want to beat the shit out of him and stuff him in a locker and let him scream all night. 

Ok.  So, last week the men were total jackwads and followed Colton down the 'we gotta go to tribal immediately" path, because the douchebag is totally vindictive and has the patience of a gnat.  Little girl boy.  And, in addition to the neck roll?  If I have to watch him check his fingernails one more damn time I am gonna kick a hole through my TV.  The women are all, "WTF???"  And Colton tells them that the OTHER men are CRAZY. 

Bang, it's 8:05pm and a challenge.  Drop your buffs we're switching tribes.  It's a random switch except since GOD is a regular Survivor watcher (as we know...) all the good people end up on one tribe and the other ends up as the island of misfit toys.  Blue team has all the muscle: Mike, Troyzan and Jaybird, plus the girl alliance of Kim, Kat, Sabrina and Chelsea.  Seriously.  The Orange team has Tarzan, Colton, Jonas, Leif, Monica, Christina and Alicia's very sore and enlarged breasts. 

Challenge: Carry a bit wine barrel thing to a water tower, fill it, and carry it back without losing much of it from the holes in the barrel.  Wanna know what you're playing for?  Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches, coffee AND the One World of Idiots beach.  The losers get a new beach. 

C'mon, you don't really even have to ask do you?  Blue team wins reward.  Colton is all "whatever" while he checks out his nails.  He thinks the other tribe are "Greek Gods and my tribe are peasants".  To quote Tess Hartman, how does this douche not get beat up daily??

Orange arrive at their new beach and are all, "oooh, this is nice, the sand is soft".  They do get pots and pans I notice.  Colton starts right in.  "I'm on a tribe with people who suck".  "I know how to relate to people and how to charm them."  He's totally working the girls, especially Christina and Alicia.  I'm SURE at some point he'll go all bad ass on her nasty bikini though.  "I'm telling everyone what they want to hear".  "Pinky Swear".  ARGH. 

Over on Muscle Beach, Mike and Chelsea go crab fishing, and catch 4 enormous crabs.  THEN Troy relives his quarterback days and catches a chicken.  Clearly the Gods are smiling on this team.  It's a pretty unified team of beauty.  The woman's entire alliance is together and all of the frat boys are together.  Troy, Jay and Kim strike up a little alliance.  Kim is clearly working both alliances.  Speaking of Kim, she is the only one SMART ENOUGH to finally go look for the hidden idol, which she finds and stuffs in her crotch.  She tells Chelsea that she has it. 

Over on dysfunctional beach, everyone is building shelter except of course for Colton who just keeps running back and forth between Alicia and Jonas promising them the world.  Colton and Alicia form an alliance because as Colton keeps pointing out he only ever wanted to be with the girls anyway, so they are counting him as their 4th girl on the team.  Monica isn't totally believing him.  Colton tells Alicia that Christina has to go first.  Alicia, who is NO FAN of Christina, originally says NO WAY.  She thinks Colton is crazy and that they need to start picking off the men. 

Jonas confronts Colton.  What's up with Alicia??  Colton says "oh I'm just playing her, I'm still with the guys".  Jonas is not a fan of Colton-says he's a lazy ass.  "How does he get away with that"?  Well, Jonas, probably because of smacked asses like yourself.  Jonas wants Christina to go first.  "Don't scam me, bro".  HEY JUST A GOD DAMN MINUTE.  When the BLACK dude said "Bro" to Colton, that was reason for dismissal.  F'ing Hypocrite. 

Christina and Monica use a cage to catch a chicken but it gets out.  Which annoys Colton all get out even though he hasn't done JACK SHIT to feed anybody.  "These people suck at Survivor".  He now wants Monica to go first, mainly because he is a vindictive ASSHOLE.  He tells Alicia that it's now Monica and then Christina.  Hey, wait a minute, she finally figures out that it is NOT in fact an all girl alliance.  She tells Colton "you're asking me to trust the men".  "No, I'm asking you to trust me, another mean girl like yourself".  She agrees in a move that I can only hope comes back to bite her on the ass. 

Challenge.  It's water basketball, 3 on 3. 

First up are the men and Colton hardly tries.  Blue scores easily.  Next it's men and women.  Mike gets the ball and misses like 5 times.  It's a battle but the blue team scores again.  It's first to 3.  All women up next, it's scrappy but Monica makes a basket to keep the orange team alive.  Finally back to men.  Colton actually hustles to get the ball and the other men basically try and hold him under.  Which I am totally fine with. No rules, right Jeff??  Blue of course wins immunity. 

Alicia and Colton are anticipating the biggest blindside of the game so far.  Jonas "as long as he isn't voting for me, I'll be Colton's bitch".  Jonas and Colton are sitting around and Christina comes up and says "C'mon, we're voting for Tarzan, right???"  Colton's like "OMG we just said that!"  Monica comes up  they all say "yep, Tarzan".  They also tell Leif, and Jonas still doesn't trust him.  Colton tells Leif and Tarzan it's Monica.  Tarzan can't remember names.  LOL. 

Tribal is very benign tonight.  Colton pisses me off with his facial expressions and his "jeff, can you believe these idiots??" attitude. 

Monica says the switch has turned out to be a blessing because they are a united team. 
Colton "if Monica thinks she can turn this sinking ship around good luck to her"
Alicia: "Monica is awesome....."
Jeff says "I smell a big but coming" which tickles Colton.  Alicia admits Monica is a threat.
Monica is surprised.  "I'm just trying to be helpful to the team"
Leif: She is a very good worker and a great mother.

Tarzan goes on some weird ASS monologue.  "I dropped my assertiveness to a new lode star...I shan't say who..."
Leif say, "Tarzan is.....complex"
Everyone is amused.  He admits he has aphasia and can't remember people's names. 

They vote.  Tarzan gets 2 votes and Monica gets the rest.  Christina is totally pissed off.

Most Disturbing Survivor EVER.

UGH, for the record I just rewatched this episode and it was just as disturbing as the first time around. 

But first, did anyone else catch that Leif sleeps in a box like a coffin??  WTF???

When we last spoke Matt had been voted off.  Tarzan is all happy about that.  Says Bill is next because he's dangerous.  Or because he's black.  You decide. 

The girls are eating snails for breakfast.  The anorexics in the group all think they could live on snails, rice and water for ever.  Jonas and Troyzan come over and Jonas asks if they can borrow their net, promising them half of everything they catch.  That would be a big fat NO.  Troy and Jonas think the girls are nuts. 

Challenge.  Using a slingshot the tribes have to smash tiles on a big board, and get 5 in a row.  Bill sits out.  Why not Leif???  Wanna know what you're playing for?  A choice of: comfort (pillows), protection (tarp) or luxury (donuts and coffee). 

The women smoke the challenge and win a tarp.  Tarzan says it was "pure luck".  Back at camp the men cry about not having enough time to learn the game.  Waaa waaaa.  Bill says the girls are serious competitors.  Bill and Leif talk.  Leif tells Bill that Colton told everyone to vote for him last time.  (cue the dramatic music).

Ok, WHY ARE THE GIRLS NOT LOOKING FOR THEIR IMMUNITY IDOL????????????????????????

Matt tells Colton that Leif is getting too chummy with Bill.  "That little munchkin needs to be sent to OZ.  Bring him to me".  I am hating this little faggot.  And I don't use that term lightly.  He asks Leif if he told Bill about him going to be voted off?  "DO NOT LIE TO ME!!!".  Leif admits to it. "You sold your fate.  You're an annoying umpa lumpa and you picked the wrong side". 

Tree mail:  it's a puzzle.  Right before challenge Alicia gets all pissy with Kat.  What the hell is with Alicia's bathing suit top by the way?  It looks like she bought the top before getting the big tits implanted. 

Challenge. It's some walk across a teeter-totter thing, do 3 puzzles and get 3 keys thing that they have to do in pairs.  Alicia is up first paired with Chelsea.  They suck so friggin bad the men are on the 3rd puzzle when they finish the first after cheating off the boys puzzle. 

Men win immunity in a 'BLOW OUT'.  Jeff asks Alicia about how bad they sucked it and she laughs.  Not a good plan, 

Men: "That's it for the women!"

OK, the women are all talking about who to get rid of.  Chelsea says that was one hard puzzle.  LOL.  Sabarina's mad at Alicia, wants Alicia to go next.  Kim wants Christina. 

But it really doesn't matter because the CRAZY time has just broken out over at the men's tribe.  Bill and Leif try to talk to Colton who is such a DOUCHEBAG that he keeps putting his hands in front of his face and saying "I don't want to talk to  you".  Total avoidance.  "I'm done talking to you.  When I don't like someone I just want them to disappear."  Bill calls Colton a 'stuck up brat". 

Colton "I hate him, I want his head on a platter".  He rants to Troyzan.  He wants to still go to tribal because he's like a friggin 5 year old who wants his way all the time and has no patience.  We should trade with the girls and go to tribal.  Jonas thinks it's stupid but everyone is afraid of the crazy because CRAZY ALWAYS WINS. 

Troyzan tells Tarzan what's going on and Tarzan goes off the deep end too.  WE HAVE A BETRAYAL.  He gathers everyone up and treats Leif like a little kid, yelling at him "what you did was egregious.  The best thing for us is to go to tribal and vote you off".  Jay is like, WHAT THE FUCK??? 

Leif says he's sorry.  Colton just wants Bill gone.  They decide to go to tribal as a way for Leif to prove his loyalty, and what's the heck if we have to expend a black guy in the process. 

Tribal.  The men all walk in and Jeff is totally speechless.   24 seasons, 400 tribals and NEVER has any tribe been this stupid. 

He asks Troyzan what the hell happened??  Troy explains what happened and said 'we all agreed because Leif told Bill".  Leif says "I tried to play with my heart on my sleeve and it was a mistake but Bill and I were friends.  I'm hoping putting my head on the block will prove that I'm worthy". 

Jeff asks why the hell they couldn't wait until the next time they lost immunity?  BECAUSE COLTON IS A RAGING RACIST, JEFF. 

Jay basically says this is insane but everyone was afraid to disagree with the majority.  They all agreed they needed to get rid of the disloyalty before the merge. 

And then, it all goes very badly.  Colton starts on his racist rant.  "I hate Bill.  He's obnoxious.  He's a struggling stand-up comedian, get a real job".  Bill tries to suggest that it's just that they have come from different backgrounds, that it's not racism but that Colton just doesn't like him because he isn't rich. 

Jeff: "Colton, where are you from?"  "I'm from a little town in Alabama with 3000 people.  And, yes I went to private all white schools but I do know African Americans.  They worked for us as maids but really they were like part of the family.  Bill is all poor pitiful me, well I don't associate with people like that in the outside world.  Black people like him always want to live off the kindness of others".  Just fucking say it Colton.  YOU THINK BECAUSE HE'S BLACK HE IS ON WELFARE LIKE ALL OF "THOSE PEOPLE".  God I am so sick of this hatred!!! 

Bill points out that Colton has never had to work a day in his life.  Colton keeps doing the whatever neck roll and I want to bash his round gay head against the nearest fake tribal rock.  "The people I associate with are more educated, not like the pick up truck driving trash that lives in trailers". 

Tarzan says this conversation is going poorly. " Colten has been painted as a spoiled rich kid.  I think we all need to stop talking about race and just ignore the blatant racism that is going on around us".  He's an asshole as well. 

Jeff: You all bring differences to this game.  You either use them to get ahead or it will kill you. 

And then Bill is voted off.  Whatever...neck roll.

Survivor: It's Man's World

Hello and welcome to today's update of Survivor: It's a Man's Words. The women are continuing their losing streak, and the men have split into 2 alliances, the Lord of the Flies alliance (known as the "muscle") and the Revenge of the Nerds alliance. 

Following another bad tribal council where the women got rid of the crotchety old woman Nina, all eyes are  on Kat.  And, there's a big storm brewing.  A couple of the men come by and ask if they want to use their shelter and the girls are all, "no way, we're gonna suck it up".  Which lasts one night.  Women have had no sleep, they have no fire, they have no food and they have the sadz.  So, being the total pussies they are, they keep running to the mans camp to get warm, and to beg for fire. 

Matt ain't happy about it.  Matt is a total woman hater, in my opinion.  Well, maybe that's too extreme.  He pretty much hates anyone other than his muscular bare chested frat boy friends.  If I were a betting woman I'd say there's more than a little latent hidden homosexuality going on here. 

Challenge:  Jeff is in Light Blue.  Seriously, when is JC Penney's going to come out with a Jeff Probst collection???  I mean, hell, it'd be a good look for Ellen DeGeneres too.  It's a reward challenge for fishing supplies and a canoe.  And for the women to get Jeff off their damn back about what losers they are. 

Memory challenge.  It's a puppet show theater, with 6-8 items behind the curtain.  One from each tribe go head to head and they decide when to drop the curtain and recreate the items in order.  The men sit out Tarzan and Leif, which makes no sense to me unless Leif couldn't reach the lever to pull the curtain down. 

First 3 rounds go to the women.  Then comes the brain trust Kat vs Troyzan.  Seriously.  How much dope have these 2 smokes in their lives??  It takes them 7 rounds to get it right and Kat comes out ahead.  Final couple is Christina and  Bill, and you KNOW you can never beat a wicked smart Asian women with a memory test.  Women smoke the men and win reward. Men file a complaint with the EEOC saying this challenge was discriminatory since everyone KNOWS that women know where everything goes and remember where you left your shit months later. 

So back at the ranch, the women continue to be idiots.  They have to borrow an ember since all their coconuts are wet (yet they have a frigging flint).  The men want to know if that means they can borrow the canoe but no one can make that executive decision.  The men are getting annoyed that they won't agree to let them use the boat while they keep coming over and standing under their shelter and getting warm by their fire.  Colton is mad even.  Chelsea is having a little meltdown. 

But next day, the sun DOES come up so the girls are all cheerful.  3 of them go out in the boat and do some spearfishing, getting 3 little fish.  Troyzan is impressed. 

Challenge again, and this time Jeff is in a black shirt, which in the history of survivor I don't think has ever happened.  It's one of those communication challenges where one person is the caller and the others are blindfolded and have to trip over obstacles and shit.  Bill and Sabrina are the callers.  They have to lead their tribe by 2's out to get puzzle pieces.  Basically, Sabrina sucks at this.  Seriously.  The men get their 4th bag o puzzle before the women get their first one.  Men get their 5th bag while Sabrina continues to yell "just go straight" to women who are blindfolded and don't understand where straight is.  Bill gets a huge lead on his puzzle which is some Fisher Price 3D tree thing.  Finally the women get back and Sabrina starts the puzzle.  Jeff yells "You have to MOVE women".  And they do, they totally smoke the puzzle and WIN IMMUNITY!!!!

Matt is pleased because he can now use some of his testosterone "power".  Colton is also happy since he's sitting with the idol and wants to get rid of Bill who drives him crazy because he is all "Ghetto Trash".  God I love when gay's are all racist.  It really just brings the circle of hate all the way around in a little Karma package.  He hates how Bill is all "bro this and bro that". 

Tarzan on the other hand wants Matt to go.  I'm with Tarzan, not the least of which because I have Bill in the pool.  The revenge of the nerds is talking strategy and Jay comes up.  They say they have the numbers and ask if he wants to  join them,  which he says sure why not to.  Matt comes up flexing his pecs and asks "are you talking strategy?"  Everyone looks away and Tarzan says, "um, yes we are".  Then it's silent until Matt drags his knuckles as he walks away.  Later he pulls Troyzan away and gives him this weird speech about us being the roosters and needing less roosters but more chickens we can control.  Troyzan goes along with him saying later "it ain't Survivor unless you're lying".  Matt says, "we're still calling the shots and it's Colton". 

Tribal, and Jeff is in dark blue again.  Not that I care anymore.  Jeff gives the old fire = life in this game talk and then starts asking about alliances.  Michael says there are a lot of alliances, and Troyzan jumps in with well, we have 5 in our alliance.  Jeff asks if that makes Michael wonder if the math isn't on his side but that would mean he knows that 5 is more than 4 which these muscleheads don't seem to get.

Colton has to jump in with "I'm not worried because I have an idol and am not going home".  Geeeeez what a tool.  Jeff asks Michael, "didn't this tool just put a giant target on his back to force you to quickly make him play the idol??" 

Somehow we get into the gay thing, and Colton says he prefers to be with the girls because all of his friends at home are girls.  Jeff points out that he's no longer in Kansas, toto.  Jeff asks, isn't that a reverse duh double dare?  LOL.  "Do you even realize you have made yourself a target??"  Bill says that actually they are not judging Colton because he's gay but in fact he judged them all and decided they wouldn't like him because he is gay. 

Tarzan tries to smooth the way by saying Colton is useful because he's smart and strategic and he's got the women on his side which is useful now.  Matt says Tarzan is just shivering in his loincloth.  Jeff asks Matt if he's enjoying this game because he always seems to have a giant stick up his ass. Matt:  "i do have a giant stick up my ass because as an attorney, I am used to people listening to me and taking me seriously ALL THE DAMN TIME'.  Plus, I can flex my boobs.  Wanna see, Jeff??

Bill then goes on this very strange borderline hysterical thing about "Dude, this is just so damn cool to be sitting here on these fake logs on a fake set talking about sending someone home.  It's like that show Survivor!!  It's just so cool, I'm just so stoked that we lost and are now at Tribal where my alliance is about to be ground up like hot dogs.  AWESOME Dude".  Colton just shoots Jeff a "gawd can you believe these people???" look. 

Time to vote.  No idol play.  Once vote Colton, one vote and 5 votes Matt.  Who becomes the first future wife beater voted off the men's tribe.

Colton is purring like a cat and Tarzan asks Jeff to read the final votes, but he declines

Survivor Week 2

Wow, it seems like it should be more than just week 2.  Whole lot of drama going on!  Note: the show is taking place on a Polynesian Island, although it has no name apparently. 

So the ladies return to the ONE WORLD camp, minus Courtney. Mike is there to greet them, saying "I took care of your fire for you",  Nice, but he was really there to get the dirt. 

Alicia is all happy about tribal council, says it went just as she had planned it.  Christina comes over to talk to her and try to smooth things over but Alicia is just rude.  "We're fine" said in that way that most men know means "I wouldn't close my eyes tonight if I were you..."  She says she's let Christina drown, because she has her 5. 

Sabrina, who is just sooo clearly a teacher, calls a meeting.  Says they need a leader and a plan.  They elect her as leader, which she calls 'managing the airheads'.  Not sure if volunteering to herd these cats was a good strategy.  It's clear that there is a young girl old lady thing going on. 

Tree mail: 2 very large boxes with a note saying it's a do it yourself challenge.  Harrumph.  Jeff was probably busy sweet talking his new wife, that little bitch.  Teams have to untie the knots in the box to win a tarp and some Martha Steward for Target camp furniture for reward.  They clearly have not handed out the bathing suits yet.  Tarzan is in a mini speedo grape smuggler thing.  It's gross.  Someone in gray underwear missed the pixilation fairy, and not in a good way. 

So, once you until the box, there's just a ginormous bunch of knots to be untied.  Seriously, I haven't seen anything like that since I looked in the bottom of my jewelry box.  It's a close challenge but the men win. 

They all set up their tarp and set about decorating the man-beach.  All except Colton who just does nothing and then tries to hang with the girls.  They keep sending him away.  He has the sadz.  Finally Sabrina is all, 'dude we're going to have a meeting now and you have to leave".  She says he's like a virus and there's no cure for him.  He comes back and cries that he has no friends on the island...please let me stay..... 

Later, Tarzan is doing some very strange and totally not erotic dance.  It's just freaky considering there is no alcohol in ONE WORLD.  Colton shows the 4 non-frat boys the immunity idol.  They are geeked out of their minds at the implications.  "We have GOT to get rid of the muscle". 

Challenge, Jeff is in green.  Hmmm, it might not be a recycled challenge and there might not be a puzzle.  What is this ONE WORLD we've stumbled onto??  It's a very long balance beam out in the water.  Each tribe lines up and the people the most farther out have to basically cross over the others on the way to the end platform.  NO MORE THAN 2 PLAYERS CAN TOUCH.  Tarzan sits out, oh and Hoooorayyyyy they have swimsuits. 

The dwarf goes first for the men and nails it.  The women just plain suck at it.  Kat goes first and is a total idiot.  Half the time she jumps in the water when she doesn't need to.  They are just awful.  And I think it must be a female unconscious response to reach out to help people who need help because the 3 people touching thing kills them. 

Bottom line, men kick ass and win immunity yet again. 

Back home, will it be Nina or will it be Kat?  The older women are trying to strategize how to go to the younger women and break up their alliance.  Nina talks to Chelsea who works on Kim.  They are both troubled by what a spaz Kat is but they're not sure they want to break the alliance. 

Tribal:
Jeff starts right off saying this is the worse start in Survivor history for any tribe.  Hmmmm, even after just 2 weeks?  But I'll take him at his word.  He asks what the strengths are and Kim says she's a good communicator.  Jeff kind of loses it and says "I feel like I'm talking to 6th graders!  He points out that it is a very dysfunctional tribe.  He asks if people have gotten to know each other. 
Nina, do these women know what skills you bring to the table?  I don't know Jeff, some people know I am a retired police officer who does well with stress and is physical.  She asks "what does Kat bring to the table??"
Kat says she's good in the outdoors, she's in sales so she's good with people but that she's young.  She says she knows she let the tribe down.
Nina points out that Kat is in fact not a great athlete, and that she went in the water twice when she didn't need to.  She can't handle stress.
Kim says, "it's between Nina and Kat this week". 
Chelsea admits that given what the now know, they would all probably form different alliances. 
Monica concedes that they don't listen to the older women.  'Monica figured out the challenge but nobody was listening to her".
Kat cries and says, "it's all my fault.  I've never failed at anything before".
Jeff is all, "you've never failed at anything before???  WTF???"
Kat: I don't try anything if I could fail it.  Kat also tries to throw Christina under the bus, saying she isn't playing the game but that goes unchallenged. 
Sabrina: "This is why men are different".

Time to vote.  Second person voted off is Nina.