Survivor Week 2: How Many Idols??

So bang, right off the bat, Baylor is pissed at Josh for voting for her.  He convinces her that "there is a method to my madness", and that he's trying to hide their alliance.  

Over at the blue tribe, they've lost another flint.  Personally I was willing to blame the monkeys (although I am 100% sure there is an electric fence actually keeping any wild life out of camp) but Jon admits he was the last to use it, throws himself on his sword and  sucks it up like a man.  

Aaaand, right into the challenge.  Nadya is missing and Jeff has to probe that raw nerve over and over until he gets Natalie to cry.  And she apparently never cries.  

Challenge: One person from the tribe goes against their loved one to balance a bar while navigating an "obstacle course", then they get to play skeeball.  Now, knowing if you win you get to send your loved one to Exile, or if you lose you get to go, WHY WOULD ANYONE VOLUNTEER TO DO THESE CHALLENGES???  Wanna know what you win?  Cabelos Bargain Cave of fishing equipment!  Rock, paper, scissors.  Paper covers scissors.  One day I will understand this.  They must have taught it in boys gym not girls.  

John Rocker (JR) goes up against his full breasted "long term no commitment girlfriend".  Who is a dead ringer for a cheaper version of Angelina Jolie.  Or maybe they get the same lip injections.  JR is a neck cracker.  As was an old douchebag boyfriend of mine.  So, yea, I totally hate him.  

Julie totally kicks his ass.  He repeatedly drops the ball and we begin to see the oh so predictable steroid induced temper tantrums.  She wins, and is happy because "he always wins at physical  challenges, including date rape".  He's upset because "I got beat by a girl".  JULIE, HONEY, THERE IS STILL TIME FOR YOU TO GET OUTTA THIS RELATIONSHIP.

She decides to send Jeremy to Exile with JR.  So the blue tribe wins the fishing gear.  "Um, Jeff, we have a problem and have a little deal to make you.  We lost our flint and would like to trade a half (or almost full) a bag of beans for new flint".  Oooh, we get to see the ANGRY JEFF.  "You want to KEEP all of the fishing gear, AND GET FLINT, for a shitty bag of beans?  "  He explains he doesn't need to make a deal, and reams them for waiting until AFTER they won the fishing gear to make the deal, instead of coming in from the start and admitting it, THEN trading the only thing they had.  He's PISSED that they waited until they won the fishing gear to propose the deal.  Hey, Jeff, it is SURVIVOR.....  He wants them to trade all the fishing gear for flint, and tells them, like any good Asians selling purses on the street, "you come back, price go up"  After hemming and hawing they decide to take the flint.  

Natalie is back at camp and crying.  All of the girls comfort.  Now we get to see if both sisters are annoying bitches or it was just Nadya all along.  

Yellow:

Dale and the other guys figure out who John Rocker is.  Dale remembers most of the story of racist and bigoted comments coming out of the Sports Illustrated interview.  Josh considers whether he might have changed, but also thinks someone like that is great to take with you because he is gonna be hated.  

Oh Exile, Jeremy knows who John Rocker is.  I guess it would be like all women recognizing Tanya Harding??  And NOTE TO MARK BURNETT- WHAT IS TANYA DOING NEXT SEASON???  He's upset because there are no coconuts.  It's ok, you're apparently only going to be there for about 20 minutes.  They find the urns.  JRs is empty but Jeremy shares his clue with him with the caveat that he use it to protect Val and he will protect Julie.  

Immunity Challenge.  In comes JR and Jeremy.  It's a water challenge!  God, I remember when every challenge started with "swim out and get X".  They rarely use the water anymore!  It's a sumo wrestling challenge on a floating platform.  

First up, Jaclyn takes on Kelley.  Jac has to first adjust her breast implants.  Like in a major way.  She kick Kelley's butt.

Then the brothers go head to head.  It's kind of a grudge match.  Drew wins.

Jeremy loses to the strange little cabbage patch kid, Wes.

Natalie kicks Val's ass.  Literally.  That girl can fight.

JR, who is looking fat to me, loses to Jon.  His nose is bleeding and when asked about it he shouts a strange profanity word. 

Then it's the mother and daughter pair, Missy and Baylor.  They're all determined to have it out, picturing each other as their least favorite of the ex husbands.  Jeff apparently likes to watch mothers and daughters get down and dirty fighting.  First second of contact and Missy splits Baylor's lip.  It freaks Missy out, watching Baylor cry and she loses her drive,  Baylor for the win.

Josh goes up against Reed.  "Go Josh" "It's Reed that's on our tribe..."  LOL!  Reed kicks butt, and they enjoy it way too much.  

Keith against Dale, Dale wins

And it comes down to Dale's daughter Kelley vs boob woman, Jaclyn.  Dale is upset because it is also his daughter's birthday but he doesn't want to lose.  He chooses not to watch.  Kelley wins and the blue tribe yet again wins immunity!  

Yellow:

Val decides it's "time to make big moves".  ahhhh, that always ends well.....  Dale walks up to Jaclyn and they have a good natured "I currently hate your daughter but I'll get over it".  

Val and JR take a walk together.  He tells her that Jeremy got the clue and shared it with him.  She asks "Did you find the other idol hidden on Exile?  Because I got that one AND the one from here."  JR goes looking for the idol and finds it but doesn't question the fact that Val lied to him.  THERE IS NEVER AN IDOL HIDDEN AT CAMP UNTIL ONE IS USED PEOPLE.  He then talks to Josh and Wes, tells them about the idol she has and says they should split the vote 3 for Val and 3 for Baylor.  He's trying to save Val so Jeremy will keep his GF safe.  Val also announces to JR and Jaclyn that she has 2 idols and that she's gonna use them to save herself and Jaclyn.  I still don't understand this reasoning.  

Josh is suspicious because he's seen JR and Val walking out together and that has never happened.  Wes thinks the idol needs to be flushed out.  

JR then tells Val the plan, telling her she has GOT to play her  idol.  Val doesn't say anything about the fact that she doesn't have an idol (BTW, what the hell does Dale have??)  She decides that she and Jaclyn will just swing their votes to Baylor, who will go down 5-3.  

Josh decides to make a move: “Tonight what it ends up coming down to is what do I think is going to get me to the top.”

Tribal:

I love it when Jeff acts all pissed that they're losers again.  

Dale: You are 0-4.  Yes, Jeff we have not made good strategic decisions.  Almost every time we put loved ones together, for reasons other than strategy, they lost.

Alex:  I just wanted a chance to revenge my Teddy Bear that Drew buried in the back yard when we were 4.  He laments that they go with emotion instead of thinking in advance.  

JR:  We're gonna gel....

Jeff:  YOU DON'T HAVE TIME

Josh goes on this really strange loooooong explanation about putting on a Broadway Show, and having time to close down, redo the dance numbers and open again to success.  It's truly bizarre but I think it's about how they need to take a few weeks off at Club Med, and rework a few things.  

Val goes off in full angry black woman gear.  "There are people in camp who try to play both sides".  She's mad because she doesn't really have many social skills.  She calls out Baylor, 

Jaclyn says, "yea, Baylor flipped after she told me to vote for Dale"

Baylor: Did not

Val: Only the girls would talk to me and YOU TOLD ME TO VOTE FOR DALE

Baylor: WOW

Val: WOW IS RIGHT BITCH

Wes: Val says she has 2 idols, the impact of which is to vote for her and draw the idols out

Val: I'm not nervous......

Time to vote.  Anyone got an idol?  Crickets.  JR makes an exploding head motion

It's Val 4, Baylor 4.  Tied.  They revote KNOWING THERE IS NO IDOL, and Val is toast.  

Jeff:  SOMETHING HAS GOT TO CHANGE.......

Survivor: San Juan Del Sur

So, my husband declared this to be a boring season about 15 minutes in.  Let's hope he's wrong!  Is it me or did Jeff get "play in the helicopter" written into his new contract?  I especially loved the final fly away with him standing outside the helicopter and supposedly just holding on to the little strap inside.  LOL! And if you believe he's not also harnessed in and wearing a pair of depends I have a bridge to sell you.  

Nine pair of AMERICANS!!!  Because we ain't gonna let no damn illegals on our AMERICAN show filmed outside of AMERICA. Each team gets FLINT.  WTF?????  And then we get to meet those 9 teams, representing EVERY stereotype typical of every one of these shows.  

First up, the quintessential soon to be 1%ers, beautifully put together and dressed Jon and Jacqueline.  He the football star. she the former beauty queen.  I did not know Talbots and Brooks Brothers make a line of Survivor appropriate clothing!  "Hmmm, honey, what should I wear to sleep in the dirt for 39 days?  How about my white silk ruffle shirt?  I'll top it with a nice linen blazer and a scarf is always a nice accessory.  You do think we get to accessorize, right?"

Next up, it's baseball bad guy John Rocker and his "long term girlfriend".  AKA a dumb blonde with big boobs hanging around a washed up, kinda fat, former someone.  Who also may or may not be a biggot.  Her name is Julie BTW.  

And, monkeys!  Lots of monkeys!  In trees!!  We have the religious right's favorite team to bash, the thrice divorced mom and her daughter, who has been traumatized by all of those divorces.  Missy and Baylor.  Hey. at least their trying to make some money instead if looking for gubermint assistance.  

We have the required Bro's, Jesus Hair boys Drew and Alec.  We're led to believe they have a lot of sibling rivalry and unresolved issues for Dr. Jeff to fix.  I don't care, they're easy on the eyes.

Dad and daughter, Dale and Kelly.  He's a farmer from Ephrata I believe, given his shirt.  I heard someone say "he could be as old as 55!"  

And of course, no reality show is legal without a pair of genuine NEW YORK LIBERAL GAYS ON BROADWAY!  Josh and Reed.  And let's give them a pair of Jazz hands for sharing their Valentine day flint gifts and a little episode of hugging from behind!  

Next up, a pair of married blue collar workers, Fireman Jeremy and Policewoman Val!  They also get a check for the "African American" element requirement.  

The twinnies,  Former reality show "stars".    They are recycled here because very few people of Indian decent end up on reality shows.  Mainly because they are in laboratories, and sitting around doing math and science all day.  

And, finally, let's throw a pair of total rednecks out there!  Father and son firefighters Keith and Wes who are so alarmed by fire that they intentionally lose their flint striker.  I am trying to figure out what genetic mutation Wes has that makes him look something like a cabbage kid grown up in poverty or one of those kids on the 70s bubblegum cards mocking advertisements.  He's like a rednecked hobbit.  

And so after one final night of passion in the sand, it's on to DAY 1.  Everyone come on into the set and let's meet.  He asks the Broadway dancers if they made fire.  "Jeff, if you're going to be on Survivor, you had better practice making fire..."   FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT!!!!!  Keith admits that 'we done lost our striiiiiiker".  And with that the loved ones are divided up into 2 tribes and it's on to the first reward challenge.  

It's a wooden cube with ropes that have to be untangles and then used to haul wooden platforms in. They do rock, paper scissors WHICH I NEVER UNDERSTAND.  Anyway, Jeremy volunteers to do the challenge and we get THE FIRST TWIST OF THE GAME.  He has to go up against his loved one Val, and if he wins he SENDS HER TO EXILE ISLAND.  Winner also gets fire and beans and a DVD of Blazing Saddles.  Jeff is off on one of his blah blah blah thing about blood vs water and the inherent challenges of having to compete against your loved one.  Like most married couples don't already play this little game every day called "who is going to break down first and offer to make dinner".  

It's not even close and Jeremy wins.  AND MORE TWISTS AND DRAMA!  He has to pick someone from his tribe to go to Exile WITH her.  He chooses Keith because "he knows how to make fire" even though we know they lost their firemaking stuff within 5 minutes.  I blame the monkeys though.  Keith gits all emotional and stuff for the couple.  

Back at their camp they have a whole box of stuff including what looks like matching blue canteens.  Jeremy has his one on one camera time to again get all emotional about sending his wife to Exile.  He then gets up and starts working all of the women on the tribe presumably for alliances although his "everyone wants to date the prom king" makes me wonder....

The loser tribe, which I think is orange and called Coyopa are comparing ages.  There's a young group, a middle group and then that old geezer of 55.  He's a farmer and not used to being around people and is worried about his social game.  So he takes a little walk to the watering hole and finds "a little emblem thingy".  Is it an idol??  The tribe is trying to make fire and is split between Dale and basically everyone else.  Everyone else is using the "rub it until it gets hot and glows" technique, whereas Dale uses his reading glasses, eventually breaking them in 2, to get fire started.  One of the ditzy girls says "wow, I didn't know you could start a fire with glasses!"  Uhuh.  Ever watch this show before. honey??  Dale is now a bad ass.  

Exile Island is apparently "pretty desolate" and why you should never rent a beach place in Nicaragua on the internet without seeing the 360 degree photos.  They have to chose an urn and I'm like OMFG THEY ARE GOING TO CREMATE THEM???"  But, no, one has an idol clue and the other has nothing.  Val gets the clue and just says "it's just stuff about my tribe" and Keith buys it even though, HOW WOULD THEY KNOW SHE WOULD GET THAT URN???  Do they not get the teevee in his trailer park???  They bond a little about how he and her husband are firefighters.  

On the blue tribe, named Hunahpu. Jesus hair Drew, who yes yes has worked as a male model, is getting the shelter done.  Which annoys John Rockers LONG TERM GF for some reason.  She thinks he's arrogant.  

Wes figures out who John Rocker is and he tries to get him to confess.  While walking around carrying a huge pile of branches beside JR in REALLY BAD LOOKING OUT OF THE GATE JOCKEY UNDERWEAR, who is of course carrying nothing.  He asks him if his last name has 5 letters.  Um, NO.  Oh right, 6 letters then.  

About 10 minutes after building the shelter Josh's eye starts swelling up and looking like a nasty epidemic of  pink eye is about to take over Nicaragua but, instead, he remembers reading about some jungle plant that makes people allergic.  OH NO, it's the sap from the plant they used as a roof.  So they have to remove it and replace it.  Apparently that works for his eye.  

Monkey shot.  Jon has already torn the sleeves off his blue oxford Brooks Brothers shirt. Either that or $250 doesn't buy a quality item anymore.  He left his dying father back home to do the show.  Hopefully that won't effect the will.  

Immunity Challenge.  

Val and Keith return.  Jeff: "Hopefully you can find a spot in your tribe since everyone has already paired up".  

It's an obstacle thing.  Crawl under stuff, then there are 3 levels of walls to climb, after you untie 3 bags of stuff.  The first leg of it you need to climb a rope up the incline (I'd still be there), second uses pegs and finally you have to use each other.  And then......PUZZLE TIME!!

Orange gets out to a lead.  And then lots of shots of I think Julie's almost released from the buff tits.  Orange gets to the  puzzle first but Blue gets 'er done first.  Jeff asks Natalie "what does it feel like to know your sister might be in trouble?"  Blah blah blah.  Jeremy tells Wes he owes him for taking care of his wife and he'll help him get back into the tribe.  Apparently that tribe isn't a bunch of age discriminators.  

On Orange, Val goes right to the watering hole looking for the idol.  Right about where Dale found that little thang.  

Nadiya is going on and on about Amazing Race.  Dale knows how she played on AR and tells people "she was a backstabber then and will be again".  He talks the guys into voting her out.  Nadya talks to Josh.  Tells him "I was already counting you as one of the girls",  which apparently gay men do not like to hear.  

Val wants a girl alliance.  They want to take Dale out and Nadiya tells them "Josh is totally on board".  Meanwhile, Baylor seeks out Josh because she "wants to vote how he votes".  I have no idea where that came from but Josh realizes he's in the middle.  

Tribal.  Yea, yea, fire = life bullshit again.  

JR says it's been a fast 3 days and things move quick.  There isn't one obvious choice.  

Nadiya: We're all getting along now so it's a big decision. I'm looking at attitudes and physical attributes (she clearly does not own a full length mirror) and I want people who are positive and want to keep going.

Josh: Yes, a positive tribe is a good thing.

Nadiya: Thank you for asking me AGAIN about Amazing Race, Jeff.  It's so different because there are no directions and none of my "primal needs" are being met.  

VAL says that Exile was stressful, and she didn't get to know many people.  But Exile does provide a time to explore and FIND THINGS.....

Dale: Is it hard to be OLD?  I just had to prove my worth which I did using my old man bifocals to make fire.  It was a huge thing that I did making fire.  Huge I tell ya.  

Wes says that Josh is well liked.  And he sings show tunes to drive the monkeys away.

Nadiya, Yes, I agree.  Josh is able to go between the boys and girls......

Josh: I am a question vote!

Time to vote while we listen to monkeys have sex.  Jeff just looks like, "it wasn't me this time".

Anyone have an idol??  Val hems and haws but nope.  

And in the end, Nadiya is yet again first off of a reality show.  

"The tribe is still finding itself".  Namaste, Jeff.