First up, this week is the return of the bitching Ho's. I usually don't blog that craziness BUT I would consider it for a couple of donations to my 3Day Walk. Show me some love, people!!
So, we're all in South Africa. Which is really nice, and all cute fuzzy animals. No apartheid, no Nelson Mandela, no white rule. Just cute fuzzy animals as far as Brad and the womens are concerned. Final 3: Ashley, Emily and Chantel, which rhymes with clientele and always makes me think of Fergie.
This week Brad wants to "talk" to all of the womens on an intimate level. Intimate is the word of the week. Intimate, intimate, intimate. As if Brad would know intimate if it bit him on the balls, and he sent that woman home already.
He has a "strong connection" with these 3 ladies. There is an EASE with Chantel, although their ride has been a "roller coaster" because she actually has emotions. Ashley has "so much to offer (aka a steady dentist paycheck), they are comfortable except when Ashely has questions and insecurities about me dry humping several other womens. Speedbumps, he calls them. Are speedbumps better or worse than roller coasters? Emily is "one in a million". LMFAO. Yes, dumb blondes incapable of holding even a modest conversation really are hard to find, Brad. He's a much better person with her...she makes him giddy. He wants a "sweet" woman but this one has an intimidating past.
It's overnight date week. He's excited. He's also "terrified of being alone, but I've made enough changes to not end up alone. One of these womens will be my wife". Uhuh. I got $20 says that ain't never happening.
First date is with Chantel in Sabi Sands. It's a safari date. Baby monkeys, Chantel reliving telling Brads he lurves him. They meet and hug. Get in the open air safari bus. "I'm here looking at the bush with a beautiful woman". hmmmm. Ooh, Lions! MAUL THEM, MAUL THEM!!! Brad really wanted to see lions and ABC managed to drug a couple and lay them out in the bush. Ooh, Giraffe. "That is a pretty animal...This is his home". Brad is a freaking genius. Elephants, zebra, African music playing, rhinos. Picnic time. The guide leads them to the river holding a shotgun. So you know it's dangerous. LOL. Now Brad is off on his fear/danger relationship building test bullshit. WTF??
They eat their picnic lunch with a hippo. The overcoming fear bullshit she says is a metaphore for their relationship. Brad: "I miss your family...how's their money doing?" blah blah blah. Really, it's all bullshit. "We're weeks away from something that could change our lives".
Dinner, outside. Chantel: "I want to meet your family". He gets kinda weird. "I get all intense about family. Ooh, should I say this? I'm the most comfortable around you. I like that side of me around you (didn't he say the same about Ashley 5 minutes ago??) My heart is open". Chantel: "Let's get married now" "Would you do that??" "I take the engagement seriously, and if I'm going to get engaged I mean to get married". "I like that about you, the spontenaity...I need that in my life".
The Chris Harrison date shag card arrives. She reads it, "Let's go!!" What happens in the fantasy suite stays in the fantasy suite. Theirs is a real treehouse. Out in the open with apparently no plumbing. Yea, my fantasy too. I wonder what kind of mosquito born diseases you can get in South Africa??
Date 2 is Emily. Ugh, I am dreading this one. They meet, big hug. "Hang on, I need to get something..." He leaves her and then comes riding in on an elephant. "It's my dream...it's like the lion king only better". Brad, if you marry her you will get to watch The Lion King (Disney Productions, DING) 25,000 times in the next 2 years. "Ricky would love the baby elephants". Brad: "I miss your daughter". Mostly because he is way more into the kid than her, like most gay men are. "Does she understand what it means if we spend more time together?" "I dunno, she's kind of stupid like me. I'm ready to find out. Are you?" Brad, with all the swagger of a man who has never spent 30 minutes with a child, "I'm ready". "I'd never ask you to a MOVIE unless you knew I saw you as a packaged deal".
Big hug and kiss. Brad: "The conversation was perfect." What an idiot.
Dinner. He's nervous, she's falling in lurve. Emily: "I'm focusing on my relationship with you but, the other women are bugging me." "I'm ready for this to be over. Don't question anything about me. I'm excited about you, Ricky and me".
Fantasy shag card. This is why he is nervous. "I'm a mom, and I want to set a good example for her. Like by going on this ho-bag show to find a man....BUT I want to shag you in private, but slowly so nobody at home knows I slept with you". They go to the suite. It's kinda boring after the tree house. She tells him she's falling in lurve with him. "I didn't expect that at all". He tells her he's falling in lurve with her too. "He makes me the happiest person on the world...Brad is the right person for me."
Let me say, right now, before we go to Ashley's date. If he DOES NOT chose Emily, and has been stringing her along he is going to have to move to Libya to live in a country where he is not the most hated man.
Date 3: Ashley. After meeting her family, I have questions. They meet and go to a helicopter. She freaks out. Not in a good way. She is terrified. It's her biggest fear, and we know he likes that. She's terrified but they take off in the helicopter. Hey, my husband won me by NOT making me do shit I didn't want to do. Exhibit A: camping.
"Africa is a large land filed with exotic animals". Zzzzzz. They go to God's window, which is just a rock in the mountains, and picnic. I also think he likes his women to face their fears of peeing outside.
"I love your family". Brad: "Where do you want to live?" She actually gives a real answer, not the expected "wherever you want to live daaarling. "I don't know, near people I love." He doesn't like that answer. Brad: "You are so driven. Can you allow yourself to live a life while you are trying to succeed?" Again, she gives a complex answer to the complex question, "It's a good question I ask myself. I want to be a good dentist, to keep current, I want to go to conferences." Brad tells her "You remind me of myself at your age....like becoming a dentist is totally relatable to opening a couple of bars in Texas...I wonder if I could have had more balance in my life". "We would have been in the same place 10 years ago". The date goes downhill from here. Brad:" We've never talked about meshing our lives together". Hmmm, he is looking for a reason to ditch her.
Dinner. "I have more questions than before". Jeez. She thinks they are on a path moving forward and this has been good deep conversation. Which would be a positive for anyone other than Brad, who has no interest in deep. Ashley:" It was a very cool day...you made me think. I think we want the same things but I didn't communicate to you what I meant." Brad:" We've never talked about our future together...When I asked you where you wanted to live, you never mentioned Austin". He is so not into her anymore. "Why are we spending so much time reassuring each other??" "You're looking for someone who will easily fit into your life".
She's pissed, and just eating. Brad: "I'm happy to be here." Ashley:" I had no idea you had so many concerns". Fantasy suite card. Good timing. She wants to go. "I'm glad you're here...kiss". It could not be more awkward. "We're totally off our game..."
Rose Ceremony time! Brad chats with Chris. This is the most difficult rose ceremony. Ashley and I had a difficult date. We both shut down. I know what my decision should be but I have to talk to Ashley first.
Rose ceremony. Ashely looks like she ate her way through the mini bar, and is squeezed into an awful brown dress. Brad clears his throat 10 times. "Ashley can we talk?" He walks her half way out the door. "Our date sucked, I'm sorry. I'm shocked that our relationship went so bad". "Me too, what happened?" Brad:" I came loaded with questions and I backed you into a corner." "Why do we have problems??" "I don't know if I can fit into your life."
"I need to tell you goodbye". Wow, it really is that brusque. "I'm confident in the decision, so let me walk you out". Me yelling at the teevee "YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER ASHLEY!!! LET EMILY SETTLE FOR THIS IDIOT".
"Things can change so quickly". Not really, Brad. Not if it's real. Maybe your therapist can explain that to you.
He comes back, mumbles something about Ashley. Scratches his ear for about 5 minutes, them gives out the 2 roses. Emily is all confident and cocky.
In 2 weeks, it's off to Capetown to meet his family. They don't live in Capetown, but they insisted if they have to do this "meet Brad's possible wife" nonsense, they wanted a free trip too.
Showing posts with label Bachelor Brad Womack. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bachelor Brad Womack. Show all posts
Monday, March 7, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Bachelor: HOmetown Dates
Ah yes, it's that time of the season again when Brad gets dragged to the ladies hometowns and we get to see WHAT KIND OF FREAKS HAVE DAUGHTERS THAT GO ON THIS SHOW.
He's in NY packing, I have no idea why. "This is an incredible adventure...this is the most important week..." He's so glad America has short attention spans and can't remember he said this same shit last time.
He runs down the women who are left:
Chantel N: I have questions for her...she's emotional...roller coaster...fucks like a rabbit though...
Ashley: so happy and outgoing..."she has everything a guy wants in a wife...but there have been speedbumps". She didn't lay down and just rollover like a good wife should have
Shawntel O: she's FUN! We have a connection! No roller coaster BUT she told me she loves me and DAMN, that makes a guys testicals retract. " I like where we're at".
Emily: She's very real. She's what I'm looking for in a wife (someone boring as all HELL who will never talk back, never have an opinion and never have the guts to leave me). It's deeper because she had a daughter...and he doesn't know if he could play hide the salami with her sacred baby-hole.
First date. Chantal. I think this is Chico? He loves the city, they go to her banging house. She has 2 cats and a dog. Cats are Jinxie, Baily and the dog is Boca. No, you do not need to know that. It's the happy confident Chantal! The dog loves him, which is a big deal. They discuss the fact that the pets come with her. He tells her he has a loft in NY (I thought he lived in texas??) with no closets. "That's not going to work". I was really liking them together anyway but HOLY CRAP are her parents friggin LOADED. The house is unbelievable. Like HUGE ASS. I'd have dropped to my knees and proposed RIGHT THEN.
Mom looks like she's 35. Except nothing moves on her face. They have wine and chat in one of the many rooms. They tell the o-so-funny story about her slapping him when they first met. Seriously, if he doesn't marry her I am gonna go lesbian and hunt her down. Fabulous family, AND THEY ARE RICH!! Dad and Chantal chat. She tells him she had THAT FEELING from the start with Brad. "Well, honey, if you love him, I'll just offer him a check to get this over with and wipe off that stain of divorce you carry".
Dad takes Brad off to another wing of the mansion to show him a BIG ASS statue he owns. It's a statue of a self made man. LOL. Total male bonding. Brad tells him about his own Dad and OMG, her Dad didn't see his father for the last 15 years of his life. What a fucking coincidence! Brad "I'll be a damn good son in law and father..." People say the funniest things when money is involved. "Is Chantal ready to marry again?" "Yes, and here's $10,000 to make sure it happens". I was literally praying there was not gonna be a man-hug.
Chantal and Mom, with the bad purple eye shadow and huge glasses of wine talk. Mom tells her to "trust your heart...and your genitalia". Chantal has "feelings again".
Brad and Daddy-o are now in THE FUCKING WINE CELLAR. Brad: "My intensions are true" "I know they are...we would give you our blessing to take our divorced baggage off our hands".
Hang on, I need an insulin shot.
Date 2: Ashley. She wants SPARKS!! "You're cute today" "No, you are" . They are in northern Maine. She takes him to a place where she was a waitress as a kid. The cameraman is totally into her boots. LOL. They're in French Canadian land. They order a quick thin, which is fries with gravy and cheese. I am so moving to Maine. Everyone talks french and Brad manages to order potatoes. What a guy! The fries arrive and he picks up a fork. "You cannot eat these with a fork, use your hands!" He starts to eat and she says, "Hey I just saw your crown!" Spoken like a true dentist. He's all confident in them together BUT they have to "move forward as a couple" which is clearly code for blow job. She says the word disconnected and he gets all wigged out. "We're wasting time here". They go get lobsters for dinner. And as my friend correctly texted me, "that lobster is way more interesting than Brad".
They stop and take pictures at the Madawaska sign. "I've never seen her this happy". Meet the folks. Lots of screaming. She is so excited. He fits right in. His sister is totally into him. Dad's into him but wonders if Brad will support her in her climb to be the worlds best dentist. She is apparently still in dental school. Didn't know that. They act like you can't be a friggin dentist anywhere in the world. "Do you want kids?" "I do but I have no idea what Ashley thinks". Hey, genius, FRIGGIN ASK her. God, he sucks at conversation.
Her brother asks her, "would you accept a proposal?" Ashley would have to think about it. Hmmmmm.
Brad is now worried she is too good for him (she is) and won't take a rose from him. He's wondering if he will scare her away or take her away from her job. As a dentist. Because they don't have those in NYC. Sister: "Now is the time for her to start both her career and her life". Mom: "He's awesome" Ashley: "He's everything I've been looking for". C'mon, is it really that hard out there??
"Brad you wanna stay over tonight? Check out her plumbing??" He's obsessing over the "keeping her down from her ambitions" bullshit. Because he is totally looking for a reason to ditch her.
Date 3 starts with OMFG the family funeral parlor commercial. LMAO. The whole family is into it, apparently. (Note: if you have never watched the series, Six Feet Under, you have to netflix it.) He meets Shawntel at the mausoleum. Niiiiiice. She wants to find out now if he's comfortable with her life. He loves Chico. Shit, this is Chico. Where the hell does the other chick live??
She shows him the crypts with the husbands and wives, the cremation wall, and here's the spot for you and me!! Shows him the crematorium. That sound is his reproductive organs falling off. This is 70% of our business! We do 3 a day!! Um, what is she selling him?? He's like, "if we get married I will have to listen to what a bad day at the crematorium will be like..." Ah, here's the prep room. Lay down on the table and let me totally and completely CREEP YOU OUT. She puts on a mask, is all into it...shows him the equipement. It is really weird.
Brad: "I don't do death well". She loves her job. "The good thing is, I can embalm anywhere we live!!"
Parent's House. Brad so has "where is the back door" in his eyes. Dad is a trip. Wants Shawnie to take over the bidness some day. Mom, Dad and 2 sisters are counting on it!
They tell Dad Shawnie even got Brad on the table. Dad wisely says, "no rose 4 U!"
"Um, Dad... Brad lives in Austin TX (not NY?? I am so damn confused)" Dead silence. Dad and Shawnel go sit in the barcolounger TV room. "You leaving for Austin would be bad. Last week some kid from the local high school bought it and they were disappointed you didn't carve him up". WOW. "If he proposes, I'm OUTA here". "You are destroying our dreams". WOW, that went well.
"We trust her, Brad. If it's meant to be, you have our blessing". Creepiest home visit EVER. "I'm in love with you Brad". She thinks the day could not have gone better!
Next up, Emily. Emily meets up with her daughter, Ricky-ticki. Let me vomit now. "I made a new friend while I was a way...and he is going to come to meet you". Ricky has to put her 5 year old stamp of approval on this adult decision. Ridiculous.
Brad meets her. He brings her a kite. She's shy. She doesn't want to open the present. Brad has never been in a relationship with someone with a daughter. God help him. Ricky is not having any of it. No eye contact. They fly the kite and she gets a little better. "This day has been perfect" He is a freaking idiot. Back at home, it's a big ass house. Ahhh, life insurance. What a great thing. Ricky runs upstairs into the magic Ricky room (run Brad run). She calls him Mr. Brad. They play games. He's totally tricked into believing this is what being a step dad is like. LOL. Idiot. She gives him a painting, brushes her teeth and Brad goes to say goodnight. She's a happy kid, despite what ABC chose to show on the previews.
Alone at last with Brad. "My day was perfect, I couldn't be happier". She is falling for him. Horny as all get out. Brad: "I want to be affectionate but your daughter is upstairs". No kiss. Emily is not buying it. "If this works out, she will always be upstairs sleeping". Kiss me damnit!! Nope, he has a total Madonna complex. He gets up to leave and they finally kiss, with the door open so all of the neighbors can see. LOL. Idiot.
Cocktails. The 4 ladies are wearing red, white, blue, and black. All tight, all ugly as all get out. Brad: "I don't want to say goodbye to one of you".
Roses: Ashley, Emily and Chantal. Shawntel goes back to her freak world. "I care for you but I didn't feel the way a man should when a woman says she loves him".
Sign, most men don't treat an embalmer that good. Next week, off to South Africa.
He's in NY packing, I have no idea why. "This is an incredible adventure...this is the most important week..." He's so glad America has short attention spans and can't remember he said this same shit last time.
He runs down the women who are left:
Chantel N: I have questions for her...she's emotional...roller coaster...fucks like a rabbit though...
Ashley: so happy and outgoing..."she has everything a guy wants in a wife...but there have been speedbumps". She didn't lay down and just rollover like a good wife should have
Shawntel O: she's FUN! We have a connection! No roller coaster BUT she told me she loves me and DAMN, that makes a guys testicals retract. " I like where we're at".
Emily: She's very real. She's what I'm looking for in a wife (someone boring as all HELL who will never talk back, never have an opinion and never have the guts to leave me). It's deeper because she had a daughter...and he doesn't know if he could play hide the salami with her sacred baby-hole.
First date. Chantal. I think this is Chico? He loves the city, they go to her banging house. She has 2 cats and a dog. Cats are Jinxie, Baily and the dog is Boca. No, you do not need to know that. It's the happy confident Chantal! The dog loves him, which is a big deal. They discuss the fact that the pets come with her. He tells her he has a loft in NY (I thought he lived in texas??) with no closets. "That's not going to work". I was really liking them together anyway but HOLY CRAP are her parents friggin LOADED. The house is unbelievable. Like HUGE ASS. I'd have dropped to my knees and proposed RIGHT THEN.
Mom looks like she's 35. Except nothing moves on her face. They have wine and chat in one of the many rooms. They tell the o-so-funny story about her slapping him when they first met. Seriously, if he doesn't marry her I am gonna go lesbian and hunt her down. Fabulous family, AND THEY ARE RICH!! Dad and Chantal chat. She tells him she had THAT FEELING from the start with Brad. "Well, honey, if you love him, I'll just offer him a check to get this over with and wipe off that stain of divorce you carry".
Dad takes Brad off to another wing of the mansion to show him a BIG ASS statue he owns. It's a statue of a self made man. LOL. Total male bonding. Brad tells him about his own Dad and OMG, her Dad didn't see his father for the last 15 years of his life. What a fucking coincidence! Brad "I'll be a damn good son in law and father..." People say the funniest things when money is involved. "Is Chantal ready to marry again?" "Yes, and here's $10,000 to make sure it happens". I was literally praying there was not gonna be a man-hug.
Chantal and Mom, with the bad purple eye shadow and huge glasses of wine talk. Mom tells her to "trust your heart...and your genitalia". Chantal has "feelings again".
Brad and Daddy-o are now in THE FUCKING WINE CELLAR. Brad: "My intensions are true" "I know they are...we would give you our blessing to take our divorced baggage off our hands".
Hang on, I need an insulin shot.
Date 2: Ashley. She wants SPARKS!! "You're cute today" "No, you are" . They are in northern Maine. She takes him to a place where she was a waitress as a kid. The cameraman is totally into her boots. LOL. They're in French Canadian land. They order a quick thin, which is fries with gravy and cheese. I am so moving to Maine. Everyone talks french and Brad manages to order potatoes. What a guy! The fries arrive and he picks up a fork. "You cannot eat these with a fork, use your hands!" He starts to eat and she says, "Hey I just saw your crown!" Spoken like a true dentist. He's all confident in them together BUT they have to "move forward as a couple" which is clearly code for blow job. She says the word disconnected and he gets all wigged out. "We're wasting time here". They go get lobsters for dinner. And as my friend correctly texted me, "that lobster is way more interesting than Brad".
They stop and take pictures at the Madawaska sign. "I've never seen her this happy". Meet the folks. Lots of screaming. She is so excited. He fits right in. His sister is totally into him. Dad's into him but wonders if Brad will support her in her climb to be the worlds best dentist. She is apparently still in dental school. Didn't know that. They act like you can't be a friggin dentist anywhere in the world. "Do you want kids?" "I do but I have no idea what Ashley thinks". Hey, genius, FRIGGIN ASK her. God, he sucks at conversation.
Her brother asks her, "would you accept a proposal?" Ashley would have to think about it. Hmmmmm.
Brad is now worried she is too good for him (she is) and won't take a rose from him. He's wondering if he will scare her away or take her away from her job. As a dentist. Because they don't have those in NYC. Sister: "Now is the time for her to start both her career and her life". Mom: "He's awesome" Ashley: "He's everything I've been looking for". C'mon, is it really that hard out there??
"Brad you wanna stay over tonight? Check out her plumbing??" He's obsessing over the "keeping her down from her ambitions" bullshit. Because he is totally looking for a reason to ditch her.
Date 3 starts with OMFG the family funeral parlor commercial. LMAO. The whole family is into it, apparently. (Note: if you have never watched the series, Six Feet Under, you have to netflix it.) He meets Shawntel at the mausoleum. Niiiiiice. She wants to find out now if he's comfortable with her life. He loves Chico. Shit, this is Chico. Where the hell does the other chick live??
She shows him the crypts with the husbands and wives, the cremation wall, and here's the spot for you and me!! Shows him the crematorium. That sound is his reproductive organs falling off. This is 70% of our business! We do 3 a day!! Um, what is she selling him?? He's like, "if we get married I will have to listen to what a bad day at the crematorium will be like..." Ah, here's the prep room. Lay down on the table and let me totally and completely CREEP YOU OUT. She puts on a mask, is all into it...shows him the equipement. It is really weird.
Brad: "I don't do death well". She loves her job. "The good thing is, I can embalm anywhere we live!!"
Parent's House. Brad so has "where is the back door" in his eyes. Dad is a trip. Wants Shawnie to take over the bidness some day. Mom, Dad and 2 sisters are counting on it!
They tell Dad Shawnie even got Brad on the table. Dad wisely says, "no rose 4 U!"
"Um, Dad... Brad lives in Austin TX (not NY?? I am so damn confused)" Dead silence. Dad and Shawnel go sit in the barcolounger TV room. "You leaving for Austin would be bad. Last week some kid from the local high school bought it and they were disappointed you didn't carve him up". WOW. "If he proposes, I'm OUTA here". "You are destroying our dreams". WOW, that went well.
"We trust her, Brad. If it's meant to be, you have our blessing". Creepiest home visit EVER. "I'm in love with you Brad". She thinks the day could not have gone better!
Next up, Emily. Emily meets up with her daughter, Ricky-ticki. Let me vomit now. "I made a new friend while I was a way...and he is going to come to meet you". Ricky has to put her 5 year old stamp of approval on this adult decision. Ridiculous.
Brad meets her. He brings her a kite. She's shy. She doesn't want to open the present. Brad has never been in a relationship with someone with a daughter. God help him. Ricky is not having any of it. No eye contact. They fly the kite and she gets a little better. "This day has been perfect" He is a freaking idiot. Back at home, it's a big ass house. Ahhh, life insurance. What a great thing. Ricky runs upstairs into the magic Ricky room (run Brad run). She calls him Mr. Brad. They play games. He's totally tricked into believing this is what being a step dad is like. LOL. Idiot. She gives him a painting, brushes her teeth and Brad goes to say goodnight. She's a happy kid, despite what ABC chose to show on the previews.
Alone at last with Brad. "My day was perfect, I couldn't be happier". She is falling for him. Horny as all get out. Brad: "I want to be affectionate but your daughter is upstairs". No kiss. Emily is not buying it. "If this works out, she will always be upstairs sleeping". Kiss me damnit!! Nope, he has a total Madonna complex. He gets up to leave and they finally kiss, with the door open so all of the neighbors can see. LOL. Idiot.
Cocktails. The 4 ladies are wearing red, white, blue, and black. All tight, all ugly as all get out. Brad: "I don't want to say goodbye to one of you".
Roses: Ashley, Emily and Chantal. Shawntel goes back to her freak world. "I care for you but I didn't feel the way a man should when a woman says she loves him".
Sign, most men don't treat an embalmer that good. Next week, off to South Africa.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Bachelor Update: Fear and Loathing
Bach and Ho's flew to Costa Rica this week for a little Shagaday. 10 minutes of photographs of CR, accompanies by Brad going on and freaking on about vulnerability....blah blah blah, I'm different this time, blah blah blah emotionally invested with 8 women....Seriously, STFU!!!
Costa Rica has a volcano. See the volcano? Let's look at the volcano from every angle. Ooh, now the Ho's arrive. "Ooooooh a volcano". There's Brad. "Ooooooh, Brad". They all hop out of their car and surge around Brad. "I'n it purdy". I wish he would shut up.
I cannot keep these Ho's straight. Chantel O gets the 1/1. Michelle is mad. "I hope she's attached by apes". They get into a helicopter, TO GO LOOK AT THE DAMN VOLCANO. Then it's off to a zip line.
Back at the brothel, Michelle is obsessing about Chantel with Emily. Emily is saying nothing. Michelle thinks Chantel is too aggressive and over confident. LMAO. "I think this date is her last shot".
Brad goes on and on talking about how he needs to see Chantel be more confident and less of a whiner. She needs to be BRAVE! It starts to rain, BECAUSE IT IS A FREAKING RAIN FOREST just when they are getting ready to do the zip line. Brad is scared of doing it in the rain. What a pussy. Chantel does the zip line, and Brad is all "she's FUN. There's the confident woman that I fell for". "Oooh, a monkey." LOL.
Date card arrives. Britt and Alli have never had 1/1s. "Love springs eternal" group shame date. Alli gets the 1/1.
Back at the "intimate" dinner date, Chantel says Brad is the whole package. Either that or she wants his package. It starts to rain CAUSE IT IS THE FREAKING RAIN FOREST, so they run into Brad's room (me yelling: check under the bed for Michelle with a knife!!).
Cut to Michelle saying how happy she is that it's raining on their date.
Chantel changes into Brad's shirt. SCHWINNNNG. Little Brad likes that. She's HOT. They eat dessert.
Brad: I have so much fun with you
Chantel: I'm crazy about you
Brad: Are you? Because you were a hag in Vegas and you scared me. Don't play games with me.
Kiss. "This could happen every night." Uhuh, because as we all know marriage is all about sitting around in your husband's shirt, being served dessert by your man while he hands you a rose.
Next day it's the group date. Michelle has got her bitch on. And it's raining, BECAUSE IT IS THE FREAKING RAIN FOREST, and Chantel came home with a rose and with Brad's shirt!! OMG, she took her shirt off around him apparently!! Michelle: "Brad is mine....my precious....." said while in the Smeagol crouch with drool on her chin.
Ah, another adventure and fear date. What is it with this guy> He wants a woman who is fearless and stupid? Repelling down a waterfall. Jackie hates heights. Michelle is PISSED. Brad broke the "No repelling with anyone else pact" we made. Hey Smeagol, he also broke the no oral sex with anyone else pact too last night...
Shawntel N volunteers to go first because dying is better than having the hot breath of Smeagol on the back of your neck. Jackie is really really scared. Michelle is just an annoying ball of anger and hatred. It's just her and Brad now, and she's smacking him and yelling at him about the pact. "But I saved you for last...we're going down together...stop freaking hitting me ya hag". Mood swing, she's all happy now.
Now onto the required bathing suit portion of the date in the Hot Springs. Hmmm, I always heard hot springs smelled like sulfur. Michelle: "watching Brad take his shirt off makes you want to go home and F%$CK him.". She really did say that on ABC, a Disney company.
Date card for Alli: Meet me at the altar. Oooh, maybe he is going to marry me. Uhuh, keep dreaming.
Brad pulls Jackie aside. He tells her he's proud of her. She starts ragging on him "It would have been better if we had gone down together". Jebus, why bother with these group dates?? "I had to go with Michelle, we made a gay 7th grade promise to not repel with other people and she terrifies me". "Oh, ok, that is perfectly understandable".
Michelle: "These girls are starting to bother me....I don't mean to sound like a bitch or anything...."
Emily time. Can I just say, she is soooo damn boring. Brad "I loved seeing you repelling....Tell me what you are feeling....." Emily: "I'm falling for you but I am scared...I tend to sabotage relationships..." Now Brad is afraid she will kill him like she did the race car dude.
Someone totally freaks out over a beetle. Just really freaks out.
Michelle time. She's upset that he kept Chantel. "We have a connection". Brad: "Do we??" Smeagol: " I thought you just wanted a last shag from her before you sent her home". MEOW. " I care about you and don't want you to be with her". He's PISSED OFF. No rose tonight for anyone.
Alli date. Brad comes up with 2 horses and they take off. They then hike into the jungle to a cave that is "40 million years old" (Take that Sarah Palin). They hike into the cave. OK, I would soooo not have gone in there. Bats. There are bats. They come to natural steps, and that's the "altar", where they get to picnic among the bat guano. I think I fell asleep from this date because it seems they are at dinner and it is really really boring. "So what's your major? Ever been to Europe?..." Brad: "I really just like to sit home on the couch". "Tell me about your last relationship (why does he always ask this??) "It lasted 2 years...we lost interest in each other...everytime I imagined my wedding I couldn't picture him there..." Brad: "I'm sorry, were you saying something??" "I'm really comfortable with you...too comfortable....I want to take a nap not jump your bones. No SCHWINNNG, no rose. "
The Ho's watch as her suitcase is carried away. One down...
He's exhausted. And, conveniently enough for the first time ever we see him alone in his room. Which is interesting because...knock knock...just like the camera men KNEW this was going to happen.....hmmmmm. He answers the door and it's Smeagol. "I just wanted to see you...I missed you..." Creepy. "You sent Alli away? Good. She isn't for you. Chantel isn't for you either... I was pissed at you for not giving me a rose...let me tell you the order I want the ho's to go home...Britt, Jackie, Chantel, Shawntel, Emily, Ashley... leaving me. Brad's not happy but he takes the oral sex and she leaves. What, you don't think she blew him?? They show her with him for 5 minutes, and the next day she says she was there for 20. Me thinks the other 15 minutes were not appropriate for a Disney show.
Finally, Cocktails. Brad is in drama. Michelle thinks...maybe I was a tad strong...
Brad and Emily in a hammock. Brad: "I'm scared of you". Emily "I should have never said I sabotage all of my relationships. I care about you...for me to feel this vulnerable is good." " I want to feel comfortable with you...I need your help to do that...we're on the same page..."
Brad mentioned earlier that he got grief about the group date... must have been Michelle but when did she have time? Hmmmmm.
Brad and Smeagol: "What we have is real but you are scaring me. We took 10 steps back this week...I'm making decisions FOR ME" Yea, you grow a pair, Brad!! Smeagol: "Now I'm scared...I just don't see you with these other women...I'm supposed to be here..." She goes into a trance...really..."I know I'm supposed to be here...I want to know more about you...I want that last Island date with the special suite...I want to be married...I want more children..." If there is a God, somewhere child services is knocking on her door...
Michelle is freaked. The ladies are putting 2 and 2 together. Something doesn't make sense...
Shawntel: "Brad have you ever played the silent game? You can do anything but not talk (LMAO, she is as tired of hearing him blabber on and on as I am). Brad wins. They kiss.
Michelle cops to "visiting" Brad in his room.
Ding ding ding. THANK FREAKING GOD.
Roses: Chantel already has hers. Ashley, Emily, Britt, Shawntel...it's down to Michelle and Jackie. "Little Brad" wins out and he keeps Smeagol. Damn it. Jackie goes home.
Costa Rica has a volcano. See the volcano? Let's look at the volcano from every angle. Ooh, now the Ho's arrive. "Ooooooh a volcano". There's Brad. "Ooooooh, Brad". They all hop out of their car and surge around Brad. "I'n it purdy". I wish he would shut up.
I cannot keep these Ho's straight. Chantel O gets the 1/1. Michelle is mad. "I hope she's attached by apes". They get into a helicopter, TO GO LOOK AT THE DAMN VOLCANO. Then it's off to a zip line.
Back at the brothel, Michelle is obsessing about Chantel with Emily. Emily is saying nothing. Michelle thinks Chantel is too aggressive and over confident. LMAO. "I think this date is her last shot".
Brad goes on and on talking about how he needs to see Chantel be more confident and less of a whiner. She needs to be BRAVE! It starts to rain, BECAUSE IT IS A FREAKING RAIN FOREST just when they are getting ready to do the zip line. Brad is scared of doing it in the rain. What a pussy. Chantel does the zip line, and Brad is all "she's FUN. There's the confident woman that I fell for". "Oooh, a monkey." LOL.
Date card arrives. Britt and Alli have never had 1/1s. "Love springs eternal" group shame date. Alli gets the 1/1.
Back at the "intimate" dinner date, Chantel says Brad is the whole package. Either that or she wants his package. It starts to rain CAUSE IT IS THE FREAKING RAIN FOREST, so they run into Brad's room (me yelling: check under the bed for Michelle with a knife!!).
Cut to Michelle saying how happy she is that it's raining on their date.
Chantel changes into Brad's shirt. SCHWINNNNG. Little Brad likes that. She's HOT. They eat dessert.
Brad: I have so much fun with you
Chantel: I'm crazy about you
Brad: Are you? Because you were a hag in Vegas and you scared me. Don't play games with me.
Kiss. "This could happen every night." Uhuh, because as we all know marriage is all about sitting around in your husband's shirt, being served dessert by your man while he hands you a rose.
Next day it's the group date. Michelle has got her bitch on. And it's raining, BECAUSE IT IS THE FREAKING RAIN FOREST, and Chantel came home with a rose and with Brad's shirt!! OMG, she took her shirt off around him apparently!! Michelle: "Brad is mine....my precious....." said while in the Smeagol crouch with drool on her chin.
Ah, another adventure and fear date. What is it with this guy> He wants a woman who is fearless and stupid? Repelling down a waterfall. Jackie hates heights. Michelle is PISSED. Brad broke the "No repelling with anyone else pact" we made. Hey Smeagol, he also broke the no oral sex with anyone else pact too last night...
Shawntel N volunteers to go first because dying is better than having the hot breath of Smeagol on the back of your neck. Jackie is really really scared. Michelle is just an annoying ball of anger and hatred. It's just her and Brad now, and she's smacking him and yelling at him about the pact. "But I saved you for last...we're going down together...stop freaking hitting me ya hag". Mood swing, she's all happy now.
Now onto the required bathing suit portion of the date in the Hot Springs. Hmmm, I always heard hot springs smelled like sulfur. Michelle: "watching Brad take his shirt off makes you want to go home and F%$CK him.". She really did say that on ABC, a Disney company.
Date card for Alli: Meet me at the altar. Oooh, maybe he is going to marry me. Uhuh, keep dreaming.
Brad pulls Jackie aside. He tells her he's proud of her. She starts ragging on him "It would have been better if we had gone down together". Jebus, why bother with these group dates?? "I had to go with Michelle, we made a gay 7th grade promise to not repel with other people and she terrifies me". "Oh, ok, that is perfectly understandable".
Michelle: "These girls are starting to bother me....I don't mean to sound like a bitch or anything...."
Emily time. Can I just say, she is soooo damn boring. Brad "I loved seeing you repelling....Tell me what you are feeling....." Emily: "I'm falling for you but I am scared...I tend to sabotage relationships..." Now Brad is afraid she will kill him like she did the race car dude.
Someone totally freaks out over a beetle. Just really freaks out.
Michelle time. She's upset that he kept Chantel. "We have a connection". Brad: "Do we??" Smeagol: " I thought you just wanted a last shag from her before you sent her home". MEOW. " I care about you and don't want you to be with her". He's PISSED OFF. No rose tonight for anyone.
Alli date. Brad comes up with 2 horses and they take off. They then hike into the jungle to a cave that is "40 million years old" (Take that Sarah Palin). They hike into the cave. OK, I would soooo not have gone in there. Bats. There are bats. They come to natural steps, and that's the "altar", where they get to picnic among the bat guano. I think I fell asleep from this date because it seems they are at dinner and it is really really boring. "So what's your major? Ever been to Europe?..." Brad: "I really just like to sit home on the couch". "Tell me about your last relationship (why does he always ask this??) "It lasted 2 years...we lost interest in each other...everytime I imagined my wedding I couldn't picture him there..." Brad: "I'm sorry, were you saying something??" "I'm really comfortable with you...too comfortable....I want to take a nap not jump your bones. No SCHWINNNG, no rose. "
The Ho's watch as her suitcase is carried away. One down...
He's exhausted. And, conveniently enough for the first time ever we see him alone in his room. Which is interesting because...knock knock...just like the camera men KNEW this was going to happen.....hmmmmm. He answers the door and it's Smeagol. "I just wanted to see you...I missed you..." Creepy. "You sent Alli away? Good. She isn't for you. Chantel isn't for you either... I was pissed at you for not giving me a rose...let me tell you the order I want the ho's to go home...Britt, Jackie, Chantel, Shawntel, Emily, Ashley... leaving me. Brad's not happy but he takes the oral sex and she leaves. What, you don't think she blew him?? They show her with him for 5 minutes, and the next day she says she was there for 20. Me thinks the other 15 minutes were not appropriate for a Disney show.
Finally, Cocktails. Brad is in drama. Michelle thinks...maybe I was a tad strong...
Brad and Emily in a hammock. Brad: "I'm scared of you". Emily "I should have never said I sabotage all of my relationships. I care about you...for me to feel this vulnerable is good." " I want to feel comfortable with you...I need your help to do that...we're on the same page..."
Brad mentioned earlier that he got grief about the group date... must have been Michelle but when did she have time? Hmmmmm.
Brad and Smeagol: "What we have is real but you are scaring me. We took 10 steps back this week...I'm making decisions FOR ME" Yea, you grow a pair, Brad!! Smeagol: "Now I'm scared...I just don't see you with these other women...I'm supposed to be here..." She goes into a trance...really..."I know I'm supposed to be here...I want to know more about you...I want that last Island date with the special suite...I want to be married...I want more children..." If there is a God, somewhere child services is knocking on her door...
Michelle is freaked. The ladies are putting 2 and 2 together. Something doesn't make sense...
Shawntel: "Brad have you ever played the silent game? You can do anything but not talk (LMAO, she is as tired of hearing him blabber on and on as I am). Brad wins. They kiss.
Michelle cops to "visiting" Brad in his room.
Ding ding ding. THANK FREAKING GOD.
Roses: Chantel already has hers. Ashley, Emily, Britt, Shawntel...it's down to Michelle and Jackie. "Little Brad" wins out and he keeps Smeagol. Damn it. Jackie goes home.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Bachelor Update: Ho Ho Ho
So, 11 ho's are left. Chris tells us (in his striped shirt with the turned back floral on the inside cuffs) that there is a one on one, a group shame date AND a two on one to the death cage match. Sweeeeeeeet. Ohh, they're all worried about the cage match!
But first, pack your bags!! Brad has already run away and we are stalking him in Las Vegas. Scream!! Las Vegas, Vegas Baby, ooooohh Sin City!! What happens in Vegas is now broadcast on abc. They are staying at the Aria hotel. Brad appears in 2 "interviews" minutes apart. In one he's in red and blue checks, and in the other he's in black and white. Seriously, my GAYDAR is going off this week WOOOOPWOOOOP.
Brad shows them to their suite. They each get 1 inch of champagne. He leaves a date card with the ho's. "I'm excited to see THIS woman". Seriously, just toss a bomb in the room. It's for Chantel N. "Let's End Tonight By Banging". I swear that's what it said. She meets him for the date and jumps into his arms. Already OVER THIS. OH, I forgot to mention, he's in the black and white checked shirt and a vest. He looks fucking Amish. It's the Pretty Woman date-shopping. Appropriate since they really are a bunch of prostitutes. She's really badly dressed so he takes her to a mall and they go on a shopping spree. Brad LOVES shopping. WOOOOPWOOOOP. He tries on a purple velvet jacket. WOOOOPWOOOOP. They shop. She comes out in a horrible silver dress that's all bunchy and cut down to her Brazilian. "This dress is really classy". Bwahahahahahaha.
Back at the brothel, Michelle is letting her fangs out. "This is probably going to be the worst date ever". MEOW. Chantel comes in with a ton of bags and they are all really jealous. Time to get ready for the dinner date. Brad arrives in a suit and tie, and stands around while the ladies fume. Very tense. I really thought one of them was going to spray urine on his back to mark him. Chantel walks down the stairs and they all watch while Brad tells her, "you look incredible". NOTE: Brad knows 2 adjectives. Incredible and Amazing. They go back to the mall, and then up to the rooftop for their date. I kept watching for the Hangover groom to show up. She says, "I have something I need to tell you". Oh CHRIST, who in her family jumped off a rooftop?? Nope, it's the fun "I'm a funeral director and an embalmer" dinner talk. He stops eating. He's fascinated, until she starts getting a little too graphic. The champagne bottle in the corner pops it's cork, but I doubt Brad does tonight. She gets the rose. Fireworks over the Aria. They kiss. It seems a lame kiss. You can see the fireworks from the brothel.
Date Note: Group shame date, "Let's go speed dating". OH CHRIST. Just start drinking now. Everyone but Ashley H and Ashley S get the group date so we know it's gonna be an all Ashley cage match. They are crying because they are "best friends" after a week. Michelle is loving it.
It's a group racetrack date. NASCAR. As in, my DEAD fiance who DIED in a place crash used to race NASCAR. Brad shows up in what the girls call a cute race car outfit. Then they all get changed and come out in a line like a cheesy beer commercial. It's all Emily drama. She is looking uncomfortable. "I need to talk to her". They go off and she says "I'm fine" about 5 times until she spills the DEAD fiance part of the story. "I wanted to leave NASCAR in my trailer park past. Ricki Bobbi was a driver...he crashed on the flight TO THIS VERY RACETRACK. ". What are the odds of THAT, ABC?? Brad "I feel like a jerk". Emily :"I'm usually more fun". She comes back and it's her time to drive. She cries and fondles her ugly pink engagement ring. He comes to her side, she says "I'm fine" about 5 more times then races. She hits the wall and dies. HAHA, not really but it would have been kinda funny, in a sick way.
The date ends with a party, lots of snacks. Brad asks to speak to Emily again. MEOW. The hissing starts. Alli "Does the person with the most pathetic story win"?? Brad and Emily have a totally tense talk. He"s all "I don't know what to say..." He's clearly worried about the DEAD perfect RACECAR driver and whether or not she's over him after 6 years. "It's a hard space for any man to fill". Emily: "There goes another man running for the hills". No kiss.
I think it's Shawntel O that's crying to Brad next. Could be Alli, they all look the same. "It's hard to feel special" "I hate seeing the same girl get all of the attention. Brad: "When I see a woman crying I have to talk to her. Like you now." She says, "that makes me love you more". "Love?? Love?? He's all over that. "If you don't feel for me. send me home". They go back to everyone else. It is a friggin downer date.
Brothel: Date card for the Ashleys. "Come Swing with the King".
Michelle takes Brad aside because it is really really uncomfortable being around 7 women all with PMS. "There are a lot of immature girls here". "I don't want to talk about them" "Whatever. Wanna hump my leg?" "The more I'm with you, Brad, the more I have a crush on you". Kiss. He says he feels a true connection but I think it's just her hand on his crotch. Back to the women. He picks up the rose, and I KNOW Michelle thinks her antics earned her the rose. "Emily can I piss EVERYONE off and steal you away AGAIN?" Hahahahaha, she gets the rose.
Ahhhhh, and now for the Ashley off. "It's gonna be uncomfortable". They go to the Viva Elvis Cirque de Soleil show. Brad is a BIG Cirque de Soleil fan. WOOOOPWOOOOP. They have to learn some routines and perform, BUT only one of the ladies gets to perform and Brad gets to decide. They learn the routines and H (the dentist) is way more fun. S is standing around sucking on a lemon.
Dinner first. I don't know if they even ate, but he has to give one lady a rose. Ashley S, "You're going to make an extraordinary wife, but not mine". H gets the rose. He walks S out for about 10 miles. Puts her in the limo. Comes back in and H jumps up and starts humping HIS leg. He and H do the Elvis show and we see S crying in the limo (and she is a VERY ugly crier) while "Are You Lonesome Tonight" blares. It's lame and endless. OMG, she is wearing a silly band. How friggin old is she??
OMG, speaking of endless, Brad calls his therapist. Blah blah blah psychobabble while we watch Brad listen on the phone for like 20 minutes just saying "uhuh". "You're on a journey my son" "Some very real feelings are forming". Jebuz, let it go!!
Cocktail Party.
You can smell the fear in the room. Or the urine sprayed all around. Brad enters. "I'm here to find my wife. Thanks for being so open and miserable about my journey". Damn, that psych is good.
Shawntel O gets him first. She's a friggin drama queen in a GOD AWFUL dress. Really bad. Really. I think she's hinting for a shopping date too. "I didn't expect to start feeling anything for you...we were all upset because it seemed like you were on a date with Emily..." God!! Women, here's a tip. Men do NOT like women who bitch all the time. "I'm over it now Brad, we're in a good place". "OK, but you have to stop giving me crap". WOW, last week he liked the crap.
Alli sits down and he runs out, gets a bottle of champagne and a little dessert for her. "It has a green ribbon because you wore green on our first meeting. See? I remember you and you are special. I am ill. She's all happy but the MEOW mix is even more miserable than before.
Marissa-I thought she was wearing a tiara at first! Don't really know who she is. She says she's a random texter (aka STALKER) and note giver. She gives him an envelope with some random notes he can enjoy later. Or not... He basically says, "that's creepy".
OMG! Michelle takes him, shuts the door and tells him "Sit" and "No talking". It's very S&M. "You have to start making decisions...some of these girls don't realize what a damn prize you are...I'm different..." And apparently kinky as hell. She got big Brad and "little Brad's" attention. "Go send some girls home...next time we're together you can talk". HOLY BATSHIT!!
Ding ding ding. Thank GOD.
Safe: Chantal, H and Emily
Roses:
Michelle (shit)
Alli (who I just realized looks amazingly like Jennifer Garner)
Britt
Jackie (who the hell is Jackie??)
and Shawntell.
Out:
Lisa
Note giver and text stalker Marissa.
But first, pack your bags!! Brad has already run away and we are stalking him in Las Vegas. Scream!! Las Vegas, Vegas Baby, ooooohh Sin City!! What happens in Vegas is now broadcast on abc. They are staying at the Aria hotel. Brad appears in 2 "interviews" minutes apart. In one he's in red and blue checks, and in the other he's in black and white. Seriously, my GAYDAR is going off this week WOOOOPWOOOOP.
Brad shows them to their suite. They each get 1 inch of champagne. He leaves a date card with the ho's. "I'm excited to see THIS woman". Seriously, just toss a bomb in the room. It's for Chantel N. "Let's End Tonight By Banging". I swear that's what it said. She meets him for the date and jumps into his arms. Already OVER THIS. OH, I forgot to mention, he's in the black and white checked shirt and a vest. He looks fucking Amish. It's the Pretty Woman date-shopping. Appropriate since they really are a bunch of prostitutes. She's really badly dressed so he takes her to a mall and they go on a shopping spree. Brad LOVES shopping. WOOOOPWOOOOP. He tries on a purple velvet jacket. WOOOOPWOOOOP. They shop. She comes out in a horrible silver dress that's all bunchy and cut down to her Brazilian. "This dress is really classy". Bwahahahahahaha.
Back at the brothel, Michelle is letting her fangs out. "This is probably going to be the worst date ever". MEOW. Chantel comes in with a ton of bags and they are all really jealous. Time to get ready for the dinner date. Brad arrives in a suit and tie, and stands around while the ladies fume. Very tense. I really thought one of them was going to spray urine on his back to mark him. Chantel walks down the stairs and they all watch while Brad tells her, "you look incredible". NOTE: Brad knows 2 adjectives. Incredible and Amazing. They go back to the mall, and then up to the rooftop for their date. I kept watching for the Hangover groom to show up. She says, "I have something I need to tell you". Oh CHRIST, who in her family jumped off a rooftop?? Nope, it's the fun "I'm a funeral director and an embalmer" dinner talk. He stops eating. He's fascinated, until she starts getting a little too graphic. The champagne bottle in the corner pops it's cork, but I doubt Brad does tonight. She gets the rose. Fireworks over the Aria. They kiss. It seems a lame kiss. You can see the fireworks from the brothel.
Date Note: Group shame date, "Let's go speed dating". OH CHRIST. Just start drinking now. Everyone but Ashley H and Ashley S get the group date so we know it's gonna be an all Ashley cage match. They are crying because they are "best friends" after a week. Michelle is loving it.
It's a group racetrack date. NASCAR. As in, my DEAD fiance who DIED in a place crash used to race NASCAR. Brad shows up in what the girls call a cute race car outfit. Then they all get changed and come out in a line like a cheesy beer commercial. It's all Emily drama. She is looking uncomfortable. "I need to talk to her". They go off and she says "I'm fine" about 5 times until she spills the DEAD fiance part of the story. "I wanted to leave NASCAR in my trailer park past. Ricki Bobbi was a driver...he crashed on the flight TO THIS VERY RACETRACK. ". What are the odds of THAT, ABC?? Brad "I feel like a jerk". Emily :"I'm usually more fun". She comes back and it's her time to drive. She cries and fondles her ugly pink engagement ring. He comes to her side, she says "I'm fine" about 5 more times then races. She hits the wall and dies. HAHA, not really but it would have been kinda funny, in a sick way.
The date ends with a party, lots of snacks. Brad asks to speak to Emily again. MEOW. The hissing starts. Alli "Does the person with the most pathetic story win"?? Brad and Emily have a totally tense talk. He"s all "I don't know what to say..." He's clearly worried about the DEAD perfect RACECAR driver and whether or not she's over him after 6 years. "It's a hard space for any man to fill". Emily: "There goes another man running for the hills". No kiss.
I think it's Shawntel O that's crying to Brad next. Could be Alli, they all look the same. "It's hard to feel special" "I hate seeing the same girl get all of the attention. Brad: "When I see a woman crying I have to talk to her. Like you now." She says, "that makes me love you more". "Love?? Love?? He's all over that. "If you don't feel for me. send me home". They go back to everyone else. It is a friggin downer date.
Brothel: Date card for the Ashleys. "Come Swing with the King".
Michelle takes Brad aside because it is really really uncomfortable being around 7 women all with PMS. "There are a lot of immature girls here". "I don't want to talk about them" "Whatever. Wanna hump my leg?" "The more I'm with you, Brad, the more I have a crush on you". Kiss. He says he feels a true connection but I think it's just her hand on his crotch. Back to the women. He picks up the rose, and I KNOW Michelle thinks her antics earned her the rose. "Emily can I piss EVERYONE off and steal you away AGAIN?" Hahahahaha, she gets the rose.
Ahhhhh, and now for the Ashley off. "It's gonna be uncomfortable". They go to the Viva Elvis Cirque de Soleil show. Brad is a BIG Cirque de Soleil fan. WOOOOPWOOOOP. They have to learn some routines and perform, BUT only one of the ladies gets to perform and Brad gets to decide. They learn the routines and H (the dentist) is way more fun. S is standing around sucking on a lemon.
Dinner first. I don't know if they even ate, but he has to give one lady a rose. Ashley S, "You're going to make an extraordinary wife, but not mine". H gets the rose. He walks S out for about 10 miles. Puts her in the limo. Comes back in and H jumps up and starts humping HIS leg. He and H do the Elvis show and we see S crying in the limo (and she is a VERY ugly crier) while "Are You Lonesome Tonight" blares. It's lame and endless. OMG, she is wearing a silly band. How friggin old is she??
OMG, speaking of endless, Brad calls his therapist. Blah blah blah psychobabble while we watch Brad listen on the phone for like 20 minutes just saying "uhuh". "You're on a journey my son" "Some very real feelings are forming". Jebuz, let it go!!
Cocktail Party.
You can smell the fear in the room. Or the urine sprayed all around. Brad enters. "I'm here to find my wife. Thanks for being so open and miserable about my journey". Damn, that psych is good.
Shawntel O gets him first. She's a friggin drama queen in a GOD AWFUL dress. Really bad. Really. I think she's hinting for a shopping date too. "I didn't expect to start feeling anything for you...we were all upset because it seemed like you were on a date with Emily..." God!! Women, here's a tip. Men do NOT like women who bitch all the time. "I'm over it now Brad, we're in a good place". "OK, but you have to stop giving me crap". WOW, last week he liked the crap.
Alli sits down and he runs out, gets a bottle of champagne and a little dessert for her. "It has a green ribbon because you wore green on our first meeting. See? I remember you and you are special. I am ill. She's all happy but the MEOW mix is even more miserable than before.
Marissa-I thought she was wearing a tiara at first! Don't really know who she is. She says she's a random texter (aka STALKER) and note giver. She gives him an envelope with some random notes he can enjoy later. Or not... He basically says, "that's creepy".
OMG! Michelle takes him, shuts the door and tells him "Sit" and "No talking". It's very S&M. "You have to start making decisions...some of these girls don't realize what a damn prize you are...I'm different..." And apparently kinky as hell. She got big Brad and "little Brad's" attention. "Go send some girls home...next time we're together you can talk". HOLY BATSHIT!!
Ding ding ding. Thank GOD.
Safe: Chantal, H and Emily
Roses:
Michelle (shit)
Alli (who I just realized looks amazingly like Jennifer Garner)
Britt
Jackie (who the hell is Jackie??)
and Shawntell.
Out:
Lisa
Note giver and text stalker Marissa.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Bachelor Week 4: Meow Mix.
I just know that somewhere, in the bowels of ABC Pimps and Ho's Entertainment Division, the President is signing a huge ass bonus check to whoever recruited Michelle for this season. Even better that it appears she had an affair with...someone in sports. Who was married. Don't ask me who, I really don't care that much to go look it up again. And since they don't show the last names of these hookers, her full name is "Michelle Money". I freaking kid you not. Seriously? That's her porn name, right?
Ok. This week starts with, surprise, Michelle with a black eye. She has no idea where it came from. Uhuh. Me thinks that vibrator was on the highest setting last night. Those babies can really jump out of your hand. Um, I read that in Reader's Digest. Anyway, she "just woke up" with a black eye.
Chris comes in to announce yet again an group pity date and 2 intimate experiences. Chris is in a plaid shirt. No, Chris. No.
Chantel (the one who spells it right, is that O?) gets the 1/1. "How deep is your lurve?" Wow, the bachelors usually don't find that out until the "share the suite" date.
Brad walks in to take Chantel outta the nuthouse. Michelle barks, "I have a black eye". Very uncomfortable couple of minutes. We're waiting for our ride. A helicopter arrives for their date. Wonder if anyone in her family ever died in a helicopter accident? The date is to walk on the bottom of the ocean floor. Wonder if anyone in her family has ever drowned?? She's afraid of water. Me too, but I find gin straight up works just as well. They do the underwater thing, they go to some outdoor Arabian night tent place, talk about her ex husband (still alive unfortunately) and they kiss. "I owe you an apology for slapping you that first night" "I love your playfulness" not to mention rough sex... It starts to rain. They run into the tent which conveniently has a bed in it. She apparently puts out and gets a rose.
Back at the ranch, the group date arrives. Michelle isn't included. She's freaking out, she's sooooo stressed.
Group date. It's freakish. They take a limo to a radio taping of Dr. Drew's Love Line. In case you live under a rock, this is Dr. Drew from Celebrity Rehab and my favorite, Celebrity Sex Rehab. Seriously, that is some effed up stuff. Which makes me wonder about Brad...
Brad and Dr. Drew chat live. Brad " I'm mainly concerned with compatibility" The ladies can't hear, but then Dr D brings them in. "Ladies, who has cheated". DAMN, no dinner first?? Stacey admits to it in college. The rest are liars. It's all psycho mumbo jumbo. Brad " I want to be myself". Ashley H "that's hard". Blah blah blah. I took the dog for a walk about now.
Dinner. It's a fight to get 1/1 time. Alli gets it and Ashley S steals him. They are all being 'engaging".
Back at ho-ville, date note. SHIT, it's for Michelle. "Let's hang out together". She is all freaking out because her note doesn't have the word love in it. Crazy time.
Ashley H (dentist) "I'll be devastated if I don't get 1/1 time". Britt (who the hell is Britt??) gets a kiss. Ashley H is freaking. She interrupts the make out session. She has turned into a bitch, surprising even me. They seem to not be getting along this week. In the hot tub, Brad has the rose. He takes Britt and leaves with the rose. Ashley: "I think I ruined what Brad and I had".
Next day, Ashley is still in meltdown mode. Michelle is mad. "It's my day. I don't want to hear it". Brad shows up and asks to talk to Ashley before they leave for their date. Oh no you didn't. Michelle is mad. "It's my day". Brad " I had to talk to you Ashley. We had an amazing first date...you amaze me. I don't want to lose what we had for 2 hours. You excite me...We have something real". OH GAG. Michelle: "She's getting 30 minutes of my date...look at my eye, if I don't get a rose because he's thinking of her I will elbow her in the face".
Date-she's still pissed off. They go to his house. Another helicopter arrives. "We're going to repel down the building for dinner". WTF?? She's afraid of heights. She does it, they kiss half way down. Totally GAY music is playing. "I need you Brad". Brad: "It was an overwhelming bonding experience". They jump in the pool, kisssssss. She gets a damn rose. "I can see my life with Michelle working out well". He is a freaking idiot.
Ding ding ding, cocktail party. My notes sucked so bad I had to go watch this horror again. Brad wants to spend time with ladies he hasn't gotten time to fondle this week. Chantal is falling for him (drink). Brad is one step closer to meeting his wife. I am one step closer to upchucking.
He pulls Shantall out. She feels all secure and good. Brad is glad because 1) they have a connection and 2) it's one less woman to go all wack on him. "I think our thing is going to be I count to 3 and jump in your arms and you kiss me". Ugh, that is going to get annoying. Kiss.
He pulls out Meghan. Seriously there are too many dark haired ladies for me to keep track of them. Brad " I admire who you are, and that you don't get all crazy in the hot tub but I keep wanting to know who you are". " I know, I have a wall up but that is good sometimes. Some of these girls are freaking crazy loons, who go on one date with you and cry for a week" Brad: "You need to own up and put out more".
Emily is looking sad. And very vapid. Seriously, she is not a deep thinker I believe. She hadn't seen Brad much. He comes in and asks to talk to her. He ways, "I have something for you (I'll bet you do, Brad...)" and he pulls out a basket with pillows and blankets. And just like that a major shit storm hits. Meee-freaking-ooooowwwww time.
Seriously the other ho's are on major freak out mode. IT'S NOT FAIR, IT'S LIKE HE THOUGHT OF HER IN ADVANCE AND PLANNED TO SEE HER". He's really into her, I'm a FOOL, a FOOL I tell you! Why not me???
Michelle "Pffft, If I hadn't had the best date ever I'd be jealous".
Brad recreates the vineyard date which he says was perfect but I remember she didn't talk during the vineyard part. Anywhoo. "I missed you" " I missed you too" "I think about you a lot" "I think about you a lot too". Jesus, she's a parrot. "I had a great time on our date" "I had a great time too". I'm starting to think the old fiance cut the gas lines to that plane to get outta this. "How's your little girl" I seriously expected her to say, "Great, how is yours?" But no, she rambles on that she left presents for every day she would be gone, so her daughter is OK with her being gone. He loves this. Yawn.
Chantal starts to cry. She interrupts his time with poor pathetic Ashley H. "I'm upset... I'm seeing you make connections with other women, like we are on some show where you date a lot of women and pick one". "The women you pick are all mentally unstable and now I think I am too sane for you, so I am going to act all unstable tonight". Brad: "Be confident! You are everything I haven't been with in the past (is that even a real sentence??). Trust me, I'm man enough to get there. She mocks him. "I love that you bust my balls" Kisssss.
Ding ding ding. Rose time.
Already holding roses: Chantell, Michelle and Britt.
Will you accept?
Ashley S
Alli
Emily
Shantell
Lisa (who the hell is Lisa???)
Jackie
Marissa
and finally poor pathetic Ashley H.
Leaving is Meghan, who didn't put out, Stacey who cheated in college and Lindsey, who I have no idea who she is.
Ok. This week starts with, surprise, Michelle with a black eye. She has no idea where it came from. Uhuh. Me thinks that vibrator was on the highest setting last night. Those babies can really jump out of your hand. Um, I read that in Reader's Digest. Anyway, she "just woke up" with a black eye.
Chris comes in to announce yet again an group pity date and 2 intimate experiences. Chris is in a plaid shirt. No, Chris. No.
Chantel (the one who spells it right, is that O?) gets the 1/1. "How deep is your lurve?" Wow, the bachelors usually don't find that out until the "share the suite" date.
Brad walks in to take Chantel outta the nuthouse. Michelle barks, "I have a black eye". Very uncomfortable couple of minutes. We're waiting for our ride. A helicopter arrives for their date. Wonder if anyone in her family ever died in a helicopter accident? The date is to walk on the bottom of the ocean floor. Wonder if anyone in her family has ever drowned?? She's afraid of water. Me too, but I find gin straight up works just as well. They do the underwater thing, they go to some outdoor Arabian night tent place, talk about her ex husband (still alive unfortunately) and they kiss. "I owe you an apology for slapping you that first night" "I love your playfulness" not to mention rough sex... It starts to rain. They run into the tent which conveniently has a bed in it. She apparently puts out and gets a rose.
Back at the ranch, the group date arrives. Michelle isn't included. She's freaking out, she's sooooo stressed.
Group date. It's freakish. They take a limo to a radio taping of Dr. Drew's Love Line. In case you live under a rock, this is Dr. Drew from Celebrity Rehab and my favorite, Celebrity Sex Rehab. Seriously, that is some effed up stuff. Which makes me wonder about Brad...
Brad and Dr. Drew chat live. Brad " I'm mainly concerned with compatibility" The ladies can't hear, but then Dr D brings them in. "Ladies, who has cheated". DAMN, no dinner first?? Stacey admits to it in college. The rest are liars. It's all psycho mumbo jumbo. Brad " I want to be myself". Ashley H "that's hard". Blah blah blah. I took the dog for a walk about now.
Dinner. It's a fight to get 1/1 time. Alli gets it and Ashley S steals him. They are all being 'engaging".
Back at ho-ville, date note. SHIT, it's for Michelle. "Let's hang out together". She is all freaking out because her note doesn't have the word love in it. Crazy time.
Ashley H (dentist) "I'll be devastated if I don't get 1/1 time". Britt (who the hell is Britt??) gets a kiss. Ashley H is freaking. She interrupts the make out session. She has turned into a bitch, surprising even me. They seem to not be getting along this week. In the hot tub, Brad has the rose. He takes Britt and leaves with the rose. Ashley: "I think I ruined what Brad and I had".
Next day, Ashley is still in meltdown mode. Michelle is mad. "It's my day. I don't want to hear it". Brad shows up and asks to talk to Ashley before they leave for their date. Oh no you didn't. Michelle is mad. "It's my day". Brad " I had to talk to you Ashley. We had an amazing first date...you amaze me. I don't want to lose what we had for 2 hours. You excite me...We have something real". OH GAG. Michelle: "She's getting 30 minutes of my date...look at my eye, if I don't get a rose because he's thinking of her I will elbow her in the face".
Date-she's still pissed off. They go to his house. Another helicopter arrives. "We're going to repel down the building for dinner". WTF?? She's afraid of heights. She does it, they kiss half way down. Totally GAY music is playing. "I need you Brad". Brad: "It was an overwhelming bonding experience". They jump in the pool, kisssssss. She gets a damn rose. "I can see my life with Michelle working out well". He is a freaking idiot.
Ding ding ding, cocktail party. My notes sucked so bad I had to go watch this horror again. Brad wants to spend time with ladies he hasn't gotten time to fondle this week. Chantal is falling for him (drink). Brad is one step closer to meeting his wife. I am one step closer to upchucking.
He pulls Shantall out. She feels all secure and good. Brad is glad because 1) they have a connection and 2) it's one less woman to go all wack on him. "I think our thing is going to be I count to 3 and jump in your arms and you kiss me". Ugh, that is going to get annoying. Kiss.
He pulls out Meghan. Seriously there are too many dark haired ladies for me to keep track of them. Brad " I admire who you are, and that you don't get all crazy in the hot tub but I keep wanting to know who you are". " I know, I have a wall up but that is good sometimes. Some of these girls are freaking crazy loons, who go on one date with you and cry for a week" Brad: "You need to own up and put out more".
Emily is looking sad. And very vapid. Seriously, she is not a deep thinker I believe. She hadn't seen Brad much. He comes in and asks to talk to her. He ways, "I have something for you (I'll bet you do, Brad...)" and he pulls out a basket with pillows and blankets. And just like that a major shit storm hits. Meee-freaking-ooooowwwww time.
Seriously the other ho's are on major freak out mode. IT'S NOT FAIR, IT'S LIKE HE THOUGHT OF HER IN ADVANCE AND PLANNED TO SEE HER". He's really into her, I'm a FOOL, a FOOL I tell you! Why not me???
Michelle "Pffft, If I hadn't had the best date ever I'd be jealous".
Brad recreates the vineyard date which he says was perfect but I remember she didn't talk during the vineyard part. Anywhoo. "I missed you" " I missed you too" "I think about you a lot" "I think about you a lot too". Jesus, she's a parrot. "I had a great time on our date" "I had a great time too". I'm starting to think the old fiance cut the gas lines to that plane to get outta this. "How's your little girl" I seriously expected her to say, "Great, how is yours?" But no, she rambles on that she left presents for every day she would be gone, so her daughter is OK with her being gone. He loves this. Yawn.
Chantal starts to cry. She interrupts his time with poor pathetic Ashley H. "I'm upset... I'm seeing you make connections with other women, like we are on some show where you date a lot of women and pick one". "The women you pick are all mentally unstable and now I think I am too sane for you, so I am going to act all unstable tonight". Brad: "Be confident! You are everything I haven't been with in the past (is that even a real sentence??). Trust me, I'm man enough to get there. She mocks him. "I love that you bust my balls" Kisssss.
Ding ding ding. Rose time.
Already holding roses: Chantell, Michelle and Britt.
Will you accept?
Ashley S
Alli
Emily
Shantell
Lisa (who the hell is Lisa???)
Jackie
Marissa
and finally poor pathetic Ashley H.
Leaving is Meghan, who didn't put out, Stacey who cheated in college and Lindsey, who I have no idea who she is.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Most Depressing Bachelor Episode EVAH
OMG, make it stop. Is this the saddest most pathetic, dead person memorial of a season ever?? Not since the Olympics have I heard so many damn tragic stories. Poor Brad even had to have an emergency crisis therapy session in the middle of the episode.
This week, 1 group shame date, 2 individual dates. No rose, no sleeping with the other ho's.
Date card...Ashley S (nanny) "Let's find our lurve song". This even sounds bad. Ashley proclaims, "I'm getting kissed tonight", which sounds a whole lot better than, "I might be getting herpes from one of those other ladies he has kissed tonight".
Ooh, Michelle is a hater!! Gotta have at least one of them a season. Seriously, I'd be removing the knives from the drawers.
Brad (who, yes Tess, NEVER SMILES) says Ashley makes him feel comfortable. Ah, yes, ladies, we love to be told we make someone feel comfortable, don't we??
The big date...is at Capital Records (owned by ABC perhaps??), where they get to sing "Kiss From A Rose". OMGAAAZZZZZZ, THAT SONG REMINDS ME OF MY DEAD FATHER (Spoiler alert, y'all want to drink at the words "dead father"). They sing. They suck, but she made him feel comfortable while he sucked. Then...off to a concert with Seal singing the real song. Kinda nice. "I'm falling for Brad" (for you newbies, this line is ALWAYS CAUSE TO SLAM SOME ALCOHOL DOWN YOUR GULLET). Then to the rooftop dinner. "My dad and I used to sing that song together, and now he's DEAD (slurp). He had a brain aneurysm and DIED. DEAD I tell you, DEAD. Brad is thinking, "maybe I shouldn't have this girl up on the 35th floor of a building..."
Next up, group date. "Love Hurts". Not if you use one of the many new K-Y products, just a tip. Michelle is crying because she doesn't get a 1 on 1. They go to a movie set and I gotta tell you how upset I was that they were doing an action film, NOT porn. Although perhaps that would be redundant. He wants an ACTIVE girl. I'm thinking the girl in the white who is more worried about pit stains isn't gonna be the one. Lots of martial arts moves, Michelle is hating on everyone, and then Shawntel is really kicking ass. She gets to rescue Brad, who is in bondage (shirtless) , and give him a big hot kiss. Michelle can't watch (we finally agree on something). We do get to hear all about the fireworks that are gonna erupt when Michelle gets her saliva swap.
The ladies and Brad then head over to a rap partay. Into the pool! And then the fight for 1 on 1 time is on. Chantal O pulls him over. "I don"t want to put any pressure on you...but let me pressure you". She starts crying. Brad "tell me your worst mistake" COMING ON THIS SHOW!!!!!!! OMFG she starts telling Brad she hadn't talked to her Dad in 15 years, and then she called her stepmom and HE WAS DEAD!!! DEAD I TELL YOU, DEAD!!! Seriously by this point I was laughing out loud. "I'm falling for this man" . Drink about 5 times on this 1 on 1.
Ooh, back at the house, Emily gets the date box. 'Love is intoxicating". Emily shares her story of her boyfriend's DEATH and her subsequent pregnancy with his baby with the ladies. Christ, I agree with Madison-Fangs, "that trumps any dead person story I have".
Back to the fun fun fun party. Alli has 1/1 in a glass enclosed room. They start talking about I think their lack of sexual chemistry, and Michelle the stalker comes in to the room. "When you're done..." and then she stands there and plays a countertop like it's drums. LOL. Psyyyyycho.
He talks to her. "I feel selfish for leaving my daughter...I want to know if I'm doing the right thing, whoring myself out on national TV for a man". Am I doing the right thing??? Hint hint hint, say it's me now. He basically kisses her to shut her up. "He's mine"
Ok, I think I walked the dog here because the next thing I know he is going down and getting a rose and I am screaming at the teevee NOOOOOOO. But Shawntel gets the rose. Whew.
Emily's date. They go for a drive to a private jet. And she fails to yell out, "OMG my boyfriend DIED in one of those". So they get on and she's all weird. They fly to Santa Maria and have a really bad picnic. She isn't talking. "Tell me about you" "Nothing special". He keeps pushing, she says something stupid like, "I get cranky when I'm tired..." "My only other relationship was my best friend. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME..." Very uncomfortable to watch.
Commercial
Now they are in a barn for dinner. "I gotta tell him". "So, yo, here's the shizzle, I was in love once, BEST MAN EVER, way better than you, and his plane crashed AND HE WAS DEAD, DEAD I TELL YA, and then I was preggers with his kid, so now I am the happy mom of a 5 year old girl WHOSE DAD IS DEAD. Jeeezuz. Brad, never one for fun, "loves her even more". Well played, my lady, well played. She gets a rose.
Mini therapy session..."make the girls feel comfortable". Ahhhh, yes, instead of creeping them out. Good suggestion.
Cocktail party. Alli is wrapped up like a present for him. A VERY ugly, baggy present. Her parents are divorced, her dad cheater, introduced her to a half sister"... Brad is thinking, "AT LEAST YOUR DAD IS ALIVE". He tells her "I've never cheated on a woman". How about a man??
Michelle the h8er "Can I have you?? It bothers me that you talk to other girls". Shawntel in leopard. Brad: "I didn't open up back to you and I let you down". Michelle the h8er stalks back into the picture. "you and I are in a fight. I shared my kiss with you and now I find out you kissed other girls". Honey, the show is called the bachelor. "I don't want you to pursue anyone else..." Brad likes this. Kill me now.
Madison is wrapped in a blanket and crossing names off a list I believe. She gets her 1/1, takes off her fangs (Roooooxanne) and basically says, "I don't have a pathetic story, just a pair of fake fangs, I don't want to take you away from any of the real pathetic losers who only have one chance left in their life for lurve".
Ashley H (last week's winner): "I'm good (in that I am soooo not good voice) but it's hard here. Don't keep me unless you feel like you like me. " She gives him a cheek kiss. Ooooh. He leaves but comes back and gives her a big kiss.
Chris enters. Thank god. Ladies, time for roses.
First off, who wants to leave?? No one.
First rose goes to the h8er, Michelle. Obviously the ABC pick of the week.
Then Chatell O.
Wait, fang walks out!! They talk, she leaves. "I was a fake from the start". Brad gets a drink, downs it, goes outside, comes back...Drags this most dramatic rose moment out way too long.
Roses: Lisa, Jackie, Ashley H, Marissa, Britt, Lindsey, Meghan and Stacey.
Out: Vampire, Kimberly and Sarah P.
See ya next time, ladies!
This week, 1 group shame date, 2 individual dates. No rose, no sleeping with the other ho's.
Date card...Ashley S (nanny) "Let's find our lurve song". This even sounds bad. Ashley proclaims, "I'm getting kissed tonight", which sounds a whole lot better than, "I might be getting herpes from one of those other ladies he has kissed tonight".
Ooh, Michelle is a hater!! Gotta have at least one of them a season. Seriously, I'd be removing the knives from the drawers.
Brad (who, yes Tess, NEVER SMILES) says Ashley makes him feel comfortable. Ah, yes, ladies, we love to be told we make someone feel comfortable, don't we??
The big date...is at Capital Records (owned by ABC perhaps??), where they get to sing "Kiss From A Rose". OMGAAAZZZZZZ, THAT SONG REMINDS ME OF MY DEAD FATHER (Spoiler alert, y'all want to drink at the words "dead father"). They sing. They suck, but she made him feel comfortable while he sucked. Then...off to a concert with Seal singing the real song. Kinda nice. "I'm falling for Brad" (for you newbies, this line is ALWAYS CAUSE TO SLAM SOME ALCOHOL DOWN YOUR GULLET). Then to the rooftop dinner. "My dad and I used to sing that song together, and now he's DEAD (slurp). He had a brain aneurysm and DIED. DEAD I tell you, DEAD. Brad is thinking, "maybe I shouldn't have this girl up on the 35th floor of a building..."
Next up, group date. "Love Hurts". Not if you use one of the many new K-Y products, just a tip. Michelle is crying because she doesn't get a 1 on 1. They go to a movie set and I gotta tell you how upset I was that they were doing an action film, NOT porn. Although perhaps that would be redundant. He wants an ACTIVE girl. I'm thinking the girl in the white who is more worried about pit stains isn't gonna be the one. Lots of martial arts moves, Michelle is hating on everyone, and then Shawntel is really kicking ass. She gets to rescue Brad, who is in bondage (shirtless) , and give him a big hot kiss. Michelle can't watch (we finally agree on something). We do get to hear all about the fireworks that are gonna erupt when Michelle gets her saliva swap.
The ladies and Brad then head over to a rap partay. Into the pool! And then the fight for 1 on 1 time is on. Chantal O pulls him over. "I don"t want to put any pressure on you...but let me pressure you". She starts crying. Brad "tell me your worst mistake" COMING ON THIS SHOW!!!!!!! OMFG she starts telling Brad she hadn't talked to her Dad in 15 years, and then she called her stepmom and HE WAS DEAD!!! DEAD I TELL YOU, DEAD!!! Seriously by this point I was laughing out loud. "I'm falling for this man" . Drink about 5 times on this 1 on 1.
Ooh, back at the house, Emily gets the date box. 'Love is intoxicating". Emily shares her story of her boyfriend's DEATH and her subsequent pregnancy with his baby with the ladies. Christ, I agree with Madison-Fangs, "that trumps any dead person story I have".
Back to the fun fun fun party. Alli has 1/1 in a glass enclosed room. They start talking about I think their lack of sexual chemistry, and Michelle the stalker comes in to the room. "When you're done..." and then she stands there and plays a countertop like it's drums. LOL. Psyyyyycho.
He talks to her. "I feel selfish for leaving my daughter...I want to know if I'm doing the right thing, whoring myself out on national TV for a man". Am I doing the right thing??? Hint hint hint, say it's me now. He basically kisses her to shut her up. "He's mine"
Ok, I think I walked the dog here because the next thing I know he is going down and getting a rose and I am screaming at the teevee NOOOOOOO. But Shawntel gets the rose. Whew.
Emily's date. They go for a drive to a private jet. And she fails to yell out, "OMG my boyfriend DIED in one of those". So they get on and she's all weird. They fly to Santa Maria and have a really bad picnic. She isn't talking. "Tell me about you" "Nothing special". He keeps pushing, she says something stupid like, "I get cranky when I'm tired..." "My only other relationship was my best friend. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME..." Very uncomfortable to watch.
Commercial
Now they are in a barn for dinner. "I gotta tell him". "So, yo, here's the shizzle, I was in love once, BEST MAN EVER, way better than you, and his plane crashed AND HE WAS DEAD, DEAD I TELL YA, and then I was preggers with his kid, so now I am the happy mom of a 5 year old girl WHOSE DAD IS DEAD. Jeeezuz. Brad, never one for fun, "loves her even more". Well played, my lady, well played. She gets a rose.
Mini therapy session..."make the girls feel comfortable". Ahhhh, yes, instead of creeping them out. Good suggestion.
Cocktail party. Alli is wrapped up like a present for him. A VERY ugly, baggy present. Her parents are divorced, her dad cheater, introduced her to a half sister"... Brad is thinking, "AT LEAST YOUR DAD IS ALIVE". He tells her "I've never cheated on a woman". How about a man??
Michelle the h8er "Can I have you?? It bothers me that you talk to other girls". Shawntel in leopard. Brad: "I didn't open up back to you and I let you down". Michelle the h8er stalks back into the picture. "you and I are in a fight. I shared my kiss with you and now I find out you kissed other girls". Honey, the show is called the bachelor. "I don't want you to pursue anyone else..." Brad likes this. Kill me now.
Madison is wrapped in a blanket and crossing names off a list I believe. She gets her 1/1, takes off her fangs (Roooooxanne) and basically says, "I don't have a pathetic story, just a pair of fake fangs, I don't want to take you away from any of the real pathetic losers who only have one chance left in their life for lurve".
Ashley H (last week's winner): "I'm good (in that I am soooo not good voice) but it's hard here. Don't keep me unless you feel like you like me. " She gives him a cheek kiss. Ooooh. He leaves but comes back and gives her a big kiss.
Chris enters. Thank god. Ladies, time for roses.
First off, who wants to leave?? No one.
First rose goes to the h8er, Michelle. Obviously the ABC pick of the week.
Then Chatell O.
Wait, fang walks out!! They talk, she leaves. "I was a fake from the start". Brad gets a drink, downs it, goes outside, comes back...Drags this most dramatic rose moment out way too long.
Roses: Lisa, Jackie, Ashley H, Marissa, Britt, Lindsey, Meghan and Stacey.
Out: Vampire, Kimberly and Sarah P.
See ya next time, ladies!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Bachelor: Cha Cha Cha Changes
I like to think the coversation went like this:
Ring ring
Hello, ABC, how may I direct your call?
My name is Brad Womack and I'd like to speak to someone in the ABC Pimp Department
Just a sec, honey, I'll connect you
Wait, wait, are you single??? click.
Good afternoon, Pimps and Ho's Department, How can we take advantage of you?
Hello, this is Brad Womack. The Bachelor who gave you the Deanna season? Yes, that Brad. Listen, I'm a changed man. I've been to change therapy, and I got an ancient symbol of change tatoo on my back.
Uhuuuuuuuh
Listen, ever since I was on your show I get slapped in public. I mean, forget about getting laid, I can't even get a date. I need you to help me.
And, what would you like us to do for you, Brad? You did turn your back on section 28.1 of your contact which requires you to propose to a woman on the show, and pretend to like her for at least 5 days post rose ceremony.
I know, and I'm sorry about that. But, my dad never showed up one day to take me fishing when I was 9, and I didn't realize that was making me a fuckwit until I was therapy-ized. But, now I seen the light, and I want another chance to find lurve.
Lurve?
Yes, lurve, that kinda fake emotional connection, somewhere between lust and love, that allows you to make out and never really tell a girl how you feel, cause that would be giving away the ending. Lurve.
I see. Actually, the man we were going to have as the Bachelor, a Mr. Heffner, just announced his engagement, and since there are no other single, straight men in America, when would you like to start filming, Brad?
And so we find ourselves yet again watching Brad trying to find the elusive lurve. Brad gets a second crack at 30 cracks, shall we say. Lots of changed man discussions, lots of justifying why Brad was a fuckwit last time around, and lots of shirtless running on the beach (note to ABC: do not show Brad jogging. He looks like a caveman). Ahhh, the sit down on the couch with the mac daddy of all pimps, Chris Harrison. Yadda, yadda I'm so sorry, I know I hurt those two classy ladies. If only I could apologize to them..... Well, Brad, you are in luck!! They are here to rub their engagement rings in your face and continue the humiliation. Um, say what? They're here? Oh joy. hahahahaha. How excited was Brad!!
Ok, next up, meet the Ho's. Little overview of some of the more promising ones...
Ashley from Phila, who is a Dentist but wants to be an elf
Shawntel N who is a funeral director
Ashley S a southern daddy's girl. She's a big crier.
Chantel O-Seattle car dealer. She's d-d-d-d-divorced. C'mon, you didn't think ABC was going to waste any virgins on Brad did ya??
Michelle is a single mom, a hair stylist and, frankly, desperate. How do you explain this to your little daughter? "Mommy's gonna go hoar herself out to get you a daddy, honey. Wish me luck!"
Raichel, who is a manscaper. hahahahahah. Has wax machine, and does travel. Seriously, just the thought will make Brad's testicles crawl up and away.
Meghan is apparently a fashion plate. Or just a shopaholic. You decide.
And, perhaps my favorite of the season... Madison. Who is a vampire.
6 limos, 5 girls in each. And, can I just start out by saying, who knew Fashion Bug carried such a wide variety of tacky prom dresses this season. It's just one ho after another dragging their polyester dresses over the wet pavement. C'mon, ABC, hire someone to mop! God, my notes on this are endless. We have the slapper, the one who jumps into his arms (didn't watch the season), the pinky-swear-you-won't-break-my-heart girl, the VERY COLD high school history teacher, bad dressers, bad hairstyles, a rockette who really worked the street, red shoes from Kansas, "J" who is apparently smart enough to not use her real name, and, even a girl who can't snap her fingers! WOWZA. The clown circus in in town!!
Chris: Is your wife in there?? Brad: Yes, sir, absolutely. At least my first wife.
Typical mixer, although no one (other than me) got really really drunk. The manscaper waxes his wrist, Jackie sings, someone in a green dress asks if he can handle her big ass, the girls steal him, steal him back, steal him again, get him stolen.
The black widow gets her time. Very cryptic. I have lurved and lost. Uhuh.
Ahhhh, he sits with the vampire. He finally asks her what is up with the fangs. She is totally insane, but I am guessing ABC gets a few vetos on who goes home tonight. "Are you serious about being here, Fang?" She's evasive but is totally serious. Spoiler alert-he ends up keeping her. Yea, he's looking for a wife. LOL.
First impression rose goes to Ashley S, the southern belle who wants to be his friend and confidant. She seems sincere. Uhuh.
Ding ding ding: time for the rose ceremony.
Will you accept a rose?
Michelle
Kimberly
Fang
Emily
Raichel
Keltie (rockette-she can get her ankles over her head. Nuff said)
Ashley H
Meghan
Lisa M
Lindsey
Allie (Is my Butt to big?? No but your tits are...)
Sarah P
Marissa
Britt
Stacey
Shantel M
Jackie
Melissa
Brad, you have one rose left.
Shantell O.
Boooohooooooo. Losers? Don't let the door hit you in the ass.
Ring ring
Hello, ABC, how may I direct your call?
My name is Brad Womack and I'd like to speak to someone in the ABC Pimp Department
Just a sec, honey, I'll connect you
Wait, wait, are you single??? click.
Good afternoon, Pimps and Ho's Department, How can we take advantage of you?
Hello, this is Brad Womack. The Bachelor who gave you the Deanna season? Yes, that Brad. Listen, I'm a changed man. I've been to change therapy, and I got an ancient symbol of change tatoo on my back.
Uhuuuuuuuh
Listen, ever since I was on your show I get slapped in public. I mean, forget about getting laid, I can't even get a date. I need you to help me.
And, what would you like us to do for you, Brad? You did turn your back on section 28.1 of your contact which requires you to propose to a woman on the show, and pretend to like her for at least 5 days post rose ceremony.
I know, and I'm sorry about that. But, my dad never showed up one day to take me fishing when I was 9, and I didn't realize that was making me a fuckwit until I was therapy-ized. But, now I seen the light, and I want another chance to find lurve.
Lurve?
Yes, lurve, that kinda fake emotional connection, somewhere between lust and love, that allows you to make out and never really tell a girl how you feel, cause that would be giving away the ending. Lurve.
I see. Actually, the man we were going to have as the Bachelor, a Mr. Heffner, just announced his engagement, and since there are no other single, straight men in America, when would you like to start filming, Brad?
And so we find ourselves yet again watching Brad trying to find the elusive lurve. Brad gets a second crack at 30 cracks, shall we say. Lots of changed man discussions, lots of justifying why Brad was a fuckwit last time around, and lots of shirtless running on the beach (note to ABC: do not show Brad jogging. He looks like a caveman). Ahhh, the sit down on the couch with the mac daddy of all pimps, Chris Harrison. Yadda, yadda I'm so sorry, I know I hurt those two classy ladies. If only I could apologize to them..... Well, Brad, you are in luck!! They are here to rub their engagement rings in your face and continue the humiliation. Um, say what? They're here? Oh joy. hahahahaha. How excited was Brad!!
Ok, next up, meet the Ho's. Little overview of some of the more promising ones...
Ashley from Phila, who is a Dentist but wants to be an elf
Shawntel N who is a funeral director
Ashley S a southern daddy's girl. She's a big crier.
Chantel O-Seattle car dealer. She's d-d-d-d-divorced. C'mon, you didn't think ABC was going to waste any virgins on Brad did ya??
Michelle is a single mom, a hair stylist and, frankly, desperate. How do you explain this to your little daughter? "Mommy's gonna go hoar herself out to get you a daddy, honey. Wish me luck!"
Raichel, who is a manscaper. hahahahahah. Has wax machine, and does travel. Seriously, just the thought will make Brad's testicles crawl up and away.
Meghan is apparently a fashion plate. Or just a shopaholic. You decide.
And, perhaps my favorite of the season... Madison. Who is a vampire.
6 limos, 5 girls in each. And, can I just start out by saying, who knew Fashion Bug carried such a wide variety of tacky prom dresses this season. It's just one ho after another dragging their polyester dresses over the wet pavement. C'mon, ABC, hire someone to mop! God, my notes on this are endless. We have the slapper, the one who jumps into his arms (didn't watch the season), the pinky-swear-you-won't-break-my-heart girl, the VERY COLD high school history teacher, bad dressers, bad hairstyles, a rockette who really worked the street, red shoes from Kansas, "J" who is apparently smart enough to not use her real name, and, even a girl who can't snap her fingers! WOWZA. The clown circus in in town!!
Chris: Is your wife in there?? Brad: Yes, sir, absolutely. At least my first wife.
Typical mixer, although no one (other than me) got really really drunk. The manscaper waxes his wrist, Jackie sings, someone in a green dress asks if he can handle her big ass, the girls steal him, steal him back, steal him again, get him stolen.
The black widow gets her time. Very cryptic. I have lurved and lost. Uhuh.
Ahhhh, he sits with the vampire. He finally asks her what is up with the fangs. She is totally insane, but I am guessing ABC gets a few vetos on who goes home tonight. "Are you serious about being here, Fang?" She's evasive but is totally serious. Spoiler alert-he ends up keeping her. Yea, he's looking for a wife. LOL.
First impression rose goes to Ashley S, the southern belle who wants to be his friend and confidant. She seems sincere. Uhuh.
Ding ding ding: time for the rose ceremony.
Will you accept a rose?
Michelle
Kimberly
Fang
Emily
Raichel
Keltie (rockette-she can get her ankles over her head. Nuff said)
Ashley H
Meghan
Lisa M
Lindsey
Allie (Is my Butt to big?? No but your tits are...)
Sarah P
Marissa
Britt
Stacey
Shantel M
Jackie
Melissa
Brad, you have one rose left.
Shantell O.
Boooohooooooo. Losers? Don't let the door hit you in the ass.
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