Survivor LLama Talk!

Hello and welcome to the finale day update.  CAN TONY BE STOPPED???  Will Woo finally realize HE'S ON SURVIVOR??  Will Kass become even more hate-able??  And could Spencer actually pull this one out?  IT'S ALL DOWN TO 2 HOURS TONIGHT.  Lots of internet rumors of a final 2 instead of a final 3.  

Last week after Woo and Kass changed their minds at the last minute and sent Tasha home, Spencer was all 'why bother with the charade??"  Tony tells him they were just toying with him but that they are all still loyal to him. Kass is thinking she should go with Tony to the finale.  Woo isn't even thinking.  Spencer thinks that no one knows how to play the game.  

Tony talks to Woo and says he believes that Kass can't get any jury votes.  Woo just thinks it would be "fun" to sit next to his buddy Tony at the final vote.  Because that is the whole point of Survivor.  Getting to spend quality time with your big smelly friend.  Tony admits that Woo is genuine and a threat.  "It's gonna be a shame to blindside him".  

Mud Challenge for Pizza Delivery.  So, are we going to go a whole season without the family visits??  Load yourself up with mud, and dump it in a bucket.  Gee, how ironic that the fat boy with much more surface area wins this one.  Tony gets to pick someone to join him and he picks starving Trish.  

Kass is annoyed at this.  It shows that Tony is the alpha male and Trish is the alpha female.  "No one should have that much power in the game".  Spencer thinks everyone is handing Tony the game.  

Tony inhales his pizza.  Trish thinks he's gonna puke it up, he's eating so fast.  Nooooo Tooooooony, slooooooow down, you're grooooooooss.  I have a feeling Tony would be like an animal and barf it all up just to eat it all over again.  He tells Trish that he does have a special power idol and that he can use it at final 4, which is a lie,  

Once back and full of dough, Tony confronts Kass.  "Woo told me you were conspiring against me".  He says he pledged on his wife and baby that she was gonna go final 3.  Kass says, Chaos Kass is back.  Hey, Kass, you're the only one who thinks this is amusing.  

Kass tells Woo that Tony told her that Woo spilled the beans about the potential of getting rid of Tony.  Woo says no, and Kass takes that back to Tony.  WHY ARE YOU INVESTIGATING??? You sealed your fate!!!  Kass tells the group that Tony swore final 3 to her.  

AND TONY DOES LLAMA TALK.  WTF was that all about??  Tony thinks Kass is an insult to the game.  She tells Tony that what she did was strategic, and that now one of your people doesn't trust you.  She tells Woo that he needed to know what Tony was saying.  She now wants to pull in Woo and Spencer and ruin Tony's game.  

Woo finally thinks, "Why would Tony take me to the final 3 when I have a better reputation with the jury?"  Spencer tells him that if he goes, then basically Tony and Trish are in the drivers seat to decide.  Woo's like, 'OMG, I never thought of that!!!"  

Trish, however, overheard the whole conversation.  

Immunity Challenge.  COME ON IN GUYS!  Today Immunity is UP FOR GRABS.  Untangle a braid for a key, put up ladder rungs, lay down planks and then solve the trademarked Survivor slide Puzzle.  (pat pending).  

Trish totally sucks at all challenges.  Did I ever mention that?  So, yea, she's still trying to figure out how to cross the starting line.  Tony kicks ass through the challenge and gets to the puzzle first.  And then just starts flailing the pieces around.  Remind me again, he's from the Brawn tribe?  I guess being a cop in Jersey City, you don't get to do a lot of slide puzzles.  Spencer comes from behind and kills the puzzle in Brain fashion.  He wins immunity again!  Wow, he should TOTALLY WIN THIS SEASON.  LOL!  

So back at camp Trish confronts Kass. DO YOU THINK I'M DEAF OR STUPID??? God, I totally love when people ask those open ended questions about their stupidity.  She keeps yelling at Kass I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOUR VICTIM STUFF.  I WILL PULL YOU APART IN 30 SECONDS, YOU AND YOUR BIG UGLY FACE ARE NOT WINNING!!!!!!!!!  

In one of the most hilarious responses, Kass calls her SKELETOR and a vicious, cruel human.  

Tony suggests he and Trish take a walk..... He walks away with Trish and Woo.  Kass and Spencer tell each other "we need Woo".  

Tony asks them both if they have any questions, in that fatherly tone of voice that means THERE BETTER NOT BE ANY QUESTIONS TONIGHT.  Woo asks him if he really did swear on his kid and his wife to Kass.  Tony admits he did but I'm now swearing to you on my mother, AND MY DEAD DAD that Kass is gone.  Any bets that his father is still alive?? 

Woo realizes he can't trust Tony.  He also realizes this is a reality show, and that he's Asian and frankly, unnaturally NOT wickedly smart.  SHOULD I MAKE A BIG MOVE??? OR WAIT A COUPLE MORE WEEKS???

 Woo comes back, kneels by Kass and tells her "I'm voting for Trish".  Kass and Spencer are skeptical.  WHY???  Woo says it's for his long term strategy.  He does know it's like day 33, right??  Spencer tells him that since Trish and Tony are inseparable,  They can't both get to the final 4 while Trish is still there.  

Tribal-Sarah has completely gained every ounce she lost.  

Tony-so one of your 4 is going tonight?  Yes, Jeff the Challenge Beast won again.

Kass-Trish came at me like a blue eyed skeletal banshee today

Trish says something about "capacity for hatred".  Says Kass always is the victim.  If you are going to pit people against each other, don't sit back and claim innocence.  She basically fights with everyone.  

Spencer-yes, Jeff, it's all good for me.  This process was going to happen but immunity sped it up

Woo-it has made hidden animosity evident.  Now, it's back to a 3 brawn, 2 brain alliance.  Spencer and Kass are aligned.

Kass-I didn't predict the psycho bitch was gonna emerge but Tony was caught telling both me and Woo we were final 3

Tony-She's delusional.  She's a strategist and she's sealed her own fate.  Kass shows no emotion on her face ever. 

Kass tells Tony he's an ass

Tony talks llama talk again.

Jeff is just amused.

Spencer-it's funny but in that One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest funny.  

Woo-it's like Tony is Dad, Trish is Mom, Spencer and Kass are their kids and I'm the foreign exchange student. (Say it with me people-"no more yankee my wankee, the Donger is tired")

Tony-it's game play tonight and I brought my bag of tricks.  Puts his idols both on.  

Spencer-that does complicate things!

Time to vote.  Any idols?  Tony plays it.  Trish is votes out (and Tony voted for her as well).  She tells them "good luck" and Kass shoots her the finger while the jury watches. Tasha and Jefra share a look about Kass.....

Survivor: Spy Shack Edition

Good afternoon and welcome to today's VERY RAINY update.  I am putting off my rainy day nap to get this out to y'all so I better get a "wow was that freaking awesome". 

The question has to be asked.  Can Tony be stopped?  I'm not sure anyone is even trying.  In an interview LJ said it was almost impossible to play against someone as irrational as Tony.  I totally get that.  And I just want to scream: THIS MAN CARRIES A GUN TO HIS DAY JOB?????  Trish seems at least to be able to manage him, but I think we're starting to get to the point that taking him to the finale because you think he's so hated isn't a good idea. 

Ok, the update.  Last tribal, Woo and Tony flipped to get out LJ,  Jethra (or is it Jefra?  I don't think I've ever typed her name this whole season) is mad.  Why didn't you tell us?  Tony gives her some song and dance about "You and Trish wouldn't have gone along and it would have gotten nasty".  Was it a 1 vote alliance?  Yes.  Kass and Jefra realize that they're really the bottom of the 6 alliance. 

Spencer totally wants to make a move against Tony.  Tony realizes he's probably in trouble, so in typical MANIC, FAST TALKING Tony mode, he thinks "what I need is a cloak of invisibility.....so let me make up a SPY SHACK. "  It's more like a spy bush near the water well, where he sits and listens to conversations.  I'm guessing no one notices that there is a camera trained on a freaking bush. 

And just like that, Jefra and Trish walk up and talk about the alliance.  Trish convinces Jefra that there is still an alliance.  She thinks Tony is an award winning actor (Tony only hears the award winning part...) She's OK with LJ going but not with the fact that Tony lied to her face.  Helllloooooooo!!!!!!!!!  Where has this twit been all season??? 

And, just like that Tony doesn't trust Jefra. 

Challenge:  2 teams row out and collect paddles with letters on them, and then they solve a word puzzle.  Hey, is one of the words LAME?? Wanna know what you're playing for?  A trip to Crystal Cave (I still have my pencil from the 3rd grade trip) and a BBQ lunch.  Wow!  BBQ!  Chicken, ribs and potato salad!  Authentic native food again!  Seriously, why not just start holding Survivor in the swamps of Louisiana?  I mean, they don't even TRY to pretend with the Rent-a-Native services anymore. 

So, yea it's a lame challenge.  I don't even watch the challenges anymore.  It comes down to the letters.  Tony is of course watching what the other side is doing (HELLO, PROBST, HOW ABOUT A FRIGGIN SCREEN ON THESE PUZZLE CHALLENGES??)  It's Woo and Kass working against Tasha and Spencer.  It's "worth playing for", and Tasha, Spencer, Jeremiah and Jefra win the challenge.  Tony and the others are freaked out about Jefra, who is already not trustable, spending time with these 3.  Kass says, Meh, I'm  OK with just a 5 person alliance, basically because that bumps her up one. 

Everyone's sitting down and Trish is out getting water and stuff.  "Oh, are we strategizing??  I just found limes and papayas that the producers wired to trees".  Tony is annoyed that she isn't that worried about Jefra.  Trish takes Woo with her to get the fruit and Tony goes off to find the special idol.  And in one of the WORST promo'd pieces ever, we see Woo FALL OUT OF A TREE!  And I SWEAR to GOD the promo had him falling out MUCH HIGHER THAN HE REALLY DID.  So, he falls and it's like OMG IS THIS A GAME CHANGER???? Nope.  Just fell on his ass. 

Ok.  I'm Ok.  The caves are EPIC.  And the food is FABULOUS!  Jefra, how many riblets do you want?  "I'll have 2...don't want to get too full".  They're working on her.  She's "confused because I wasn't told about LJ"  She thinks Tony has to go.  The native guide in the native dress- black pants and an izod shirt,  returns.  I mean c'mon, you can't even throw me a headdress make of bones or something??  A POLO shirt????  FFS.  He hands then the added bonus.  LETTERS FROM HOME!  It's a cry fest.  Jefra's mom has really neat handwriting, although she didn't ever learn cursive writing apparently.  She tells Jefra "don't let your kind heart be your downfall.  Don't be afraid to lie..."  OOOOOH, WILL THIS BE A GAME CHANGER????  She thinks it's a sign from the producer Gods that she should jump ship.  She shakes everyone's hand and they proclaim WE'RE FINAL 4!!

Immunity is up for GRABS Challenge.

Stand on a beam, balance a ball on a pedestal, and with time more down the beam.  The challenge starts and wow, WHAT A FRICKEN COINCIDENCE, ANOTHER BIG WIND COMES UP.  Jeff says, "A lot of balls are moving".  Talkin' about your swinging set big man?  First round it's Jefra, Trish, Tony and Kass out.  Second round, Jeremiah.  It comes down to Woo, Tasha and Spencer.  Tasha wins immunity once again. 

Jefra talks to Trish.  I'm totally not feeling safe.  Kass joins in. Jefra says "I'm over his lies, he's on my nerves" .
Jefra tells her " Nobody likes him, that's why we're keeping him.  To go up against him in the end". And just like that, Tony finds the fucking special idol.  And, frankly, it's a GAME KILLER.  Seriously, the special powers allows the finder to use immunity AFTER THE VOTES ARE READ.  So there's NO CHANCE of Tony going home as long as he has it. He's SUPER TONY!!  It'll be interesting if he ever uses it because if it were my season, I'd basically walk off and say, THAT IS BULLSHIT.

Tony walks up while they're in the water bitching about him.  Trish tells him "we need to trust you tony".  WHOOOO NEEDS TO TRUST ME???  Trish thinks she's helping him with Jefra by calling him out in front of her.  Kass thinks Spencer has the idol. They discuss this for a bit. 

Jefra apparently ISN'T GONNA CHANGE THE GAME.  She tells Jeremiah, sorry but I'm not voting for you. 

Tasha, Spencer and Jeremiah are hanging out.  Jeremiah decides to make his big confession.  HOLY SHIT HE'S GAY???  Nope.  He's a fashion model.  LMAO.  Didn't see THAT ONE coming, did ya?  In exchange for the big reveal, Spencer tells them he has the idol.  They decide to target Woo. 

Tribal:
Spencer agrees that, yes, Jeff, I'm on the outs.  Now I see how you earn the big bucks. He says Jefra went back to her original alliance. 
Jefra: My options are better with Tony.
Spencer: It's frustrating because Tony keeps breaking promises
Tony: WHEN DID I BREAK ANY PROMISES???
Um, when you got rid of LJ?That wasn't breaking promises.....
Spencer tells them all that if they're on the jury their votes are going to go with Tony because he's the only one making moves.
Trish: We called him out on lying and he said he's going to stop that crap.  SURE TRISH, LIARS ALWAYS SAY THAT!!
Woo says they've been thinking which one has an idol, Jeremiah or Spencer.  He think Spencer is a bigger threat in the game.
Spencer points out that it's a social game and everyone likes Jeremiah. 
Tony says, it's not going to be him tonight because he's brought his bag of tricks.

Vote. 

Any idols?  Tony pulls something out of his bag.  Spencer pulls his out and debates what to do.  GIVE IT TO JEREMIAH YOU DUMB SHIT.  He plays it himself. 
Tony "See Jeff, the inexperienced LAD was about to give his idol to Jeremy (WHO??) because he thought I was going to use mine.  MINE IS A FAKE IDOL. 

Jeremiah is the next person to join the jury.  I am gonna miss that freaking eye candy!

Survivor Update: Flaming Balls of Anxiety

Welcome to this week's Survivor update!  Thank you for letting me skip last week, since you all know I spend Holy Week in church.  All week.  Every day.  8 hours.  In prayer.  For your gambling sins. 

So, now onto the recap.  Ok, so during Holy Week's episode the new alliance with Kass were all 'woohoo we're strong 6'.  Yet everyone scrambled to find the idol.  Spencer found the regular one but not the SPECIAL SUPER POWER one.  God, I hope it doesn't come with xray vision.  At tribal, Tony got 4 votes, and Morgan got 6 making her the next person on the jury. 

Tony says he almost pooped his pants when he saw his name, so he confronts Spencer as to why he was targeted.  Really?  You're that clueless??  He says Morgan wasn't worthy of winning and wants to know why he was a threat??  He rants to Tasha and Spencer, who tell him "we'd have gladly voted for Morgan with you if you had asked".  Tony says, "well I didn't need you then".  He admits that even with 3 sitting ducks it isn't easy. 

LJ and Trish talk about what a freaking whack job Tony is when he's pissed.  He is in scramble mode, which is never good.  Trish correctly diagnoses him with paranoia and OCD. 

Tony is afraid of LJ now.  Says (in one of his MANY MANY close-ups this episode) that LJ is sharp.  I want him to die but I need him to make a mistake.  He talks to LJ and basically corners him to say "if Woo has an idol he has to get blindsided".  That's all Tony needs to run off half cracked to say that LJ has targeted Woo, and to get everyone against LJ. 

Reward Challenge:  It's for a spa trip plus lunch of chicken wraps and egg rolls.  I guess they've totally given respecting the local culture these days.

Tony knows strategizing gets done on this break away trips so he is hell bent to win.  It's a throw a rope through a loop to open a box of sandbags, which have to be thrown/worked down a net tunnel, and then bounced into baskets.  It's a fun challenge and I think I will set it up in my back yard the next time I have a bunch of 4 year olds over. 

Tony is in a group with Spencer and Jeremiah.  Bottom line, they nail it with an easy win. 

At camp, LJ and Trish discuss how crazy Tony is.  LJ tells Trish that Tony is paranoid and wants Woo off.  They both decide they need to "put out Tony's fire".

On the reward, we never actually see if Tony gets a shower but I certainly hope so because even without smell-a-vision he stinks.  Spencer sees a chance to life one more day and he asks Tony if he wants to talk a little strategy.  Jeremiah asks Tony if he's comfortable in the game, and he says no.  He tells them that when the time comes he will approach them.  Spencer asks if that will be before or after they are gone. Spencer and Jeremiah tell Tony they're ready.  "I need you guys to help me stay...I have your back".  Jeremiah says they have no choice but to believe him. 

Tasha admits that it's a 3 vs 6 person game and she's probably done.  She approaches LJ to see if he'd talk to her.  Asks him to meet her at the water but he doesn't show up.  LJ: "Tony is a flaming ball of anxiety" and is watching everyone like a hawk.  Tasha knows that Tony is running the show. 

Immunity Challenge.  It's one of those 'you're so hungry let's fuck with your memory" challenges.  Remember sequences of colored tiles.  Tasha wins immunity!!! 

LJ: I say we split the vote in case Spencer or Jeremiah has the idol. 

Tony still thinks Woo might have an idol.  He decides to pin it all on Woo,  He tells Woo that LJ is shady and wants to blindside him.  Woo totally buys it 100%, further proving to me that Woo really isn't as smart as I thought he would be. 

Tony tells Spencer that Woo wants LJ out.  You are safe, just don't vote for me.  Spencer says it's like a BIG CHRISTMAS present.  Considers if it's a lie or not, but tells Jeremiah. 

Tony talks to Trish.  She's trying to calm him down but says LJ says you want to get rid of Woo??  No, LJ is the one who wants Woo.  I'm not proposing anything like that.  LJ is the problem, he's sneaky.  He tells her it's him, her and Woo as final 3.  Totally works her over to be against LJ.  Trish talks to Kass, who thinks it's totally crazy to make a blindside then.  Tony says he has to decide whether it's time to kick ass or kiss ass. 

Tribal.

Jeremiah admits the 3 are in trouble as there is a strong 6 alliance.
Kass is asked if she gives a shit about the 3.  It's a game, Jeff.  There are lots of moves yet to come and it's gonna get dirty.
Tony: It's confusion out there!  That's why I brought my bag of tricks that make me more confident.  He holds up his bag hinting he has an idol. 

Jeff asks, "if it's a strong 6 why be nervous?"

Tasha: There may be fractures
LJ says she's just HOPING there are fractures.  Says he was approached but there's no need.  Loyalty is huge in this game. 
Jeff asks Tony what he does for a living and he says "construction".  Sarah's head whips around on the jury.  He says loyalty is important in his work because of people stealing tools...or something.
Kass says that loyalty is fine at home but she checked that at the door. 
Woo says the 6 are strong but there will be a time for moves.
Spencer: I don't know who's on the bottom of the 6 but if you think that 6 is strong, it might be you.....

Time to vote.  No idol is played.  Jeremiah gets 3 votes, Spencer 1 and LJ is blindsided with the help of Tony and Woo. 

Bang.  Lots of happy faces on the jury!

Survivor:How Do I Really Feel?

Greetings, and welcome to Survivor Wednesday!!  Yes, yes, one of these days I'll get this email sent out earlier in the week but, HEY NOT THIS TIME! 

Ok, so last time we spoke, the shit-for-brains team decided to keep a lunatic who dumped all of their rice.  Because of GIRL POWERZ or something.  Spencer is now the odd man out. Jtia (note:  I'm not even dignifying her with 2 capital letters) notes that "this tribe is a disaster".  Ya think?  And why would that be nuclear engineer??  Kass agrees to go with an all girl alliance.  Says, "YOU CAN ALWAYS REPLACE RICE",  and Jtia is loyal.  WTF???  YOU CAN ALWAYS REPLACE RICE???  With what??  Again, my major annoyance with this show lately is the total and utter lack of medically dangerous starvation.  Kass thinks because they saved Jtia, that she will somehow feel beholden to she and Kitty.  But that's the problem with psychopaths like Jtia.  The mere fact that they owe loyalty to someone else makes them infuriated.  And then dangerous. 

Over on Brawn, Tony finally tells Sarah that he is a cop.  She says she has cop-dar.  Tony works her-"imagine a 2-cop alliance".  She pledges loyalty.  And just to seal the deal he lies to her about Cliff and Lindsay wanting to get rid of her. 

STORM.  Yea, it's just rain so this snow weary girl isn't really that upset for them.  Woo is all EXCITED.  Woohoo, it's REALLY SURVIVOR BABY.  These people are worse than the "fans" -they can't WAIT for the game to get all miserable and deceitful.  Dude, it's gonna get bad enough soon enough.  Chill. 

Tony is still working Sarah.  He has an entire story concocted about Cliff and Lindsay.  They form the Blue Blood Alliance.  It's like curling up with a nice snake. 

And now over to the Beauty tribe, and thank you Mark Burnett for ACTUALLY accompanying this tribe with nice lilting background music.  Pageant girl is all upset. " It's a survivor nightmare".  NO, IT'S SURVIVOR.  LT doesn't think much of the girls.  "They don't do anything".  LT leaves the wet shelter and finds the idol.  Which is apparently not that well hidden! 

Treemail: It's a water throwing challenge.  Kitty makes everyone go into the water and "practice".  Which basically means Kass, Spencer and Jtai throw water at her cleavage. 

Challenge.  And, yes, it's the throw water into a bucket (actually throw a bucket from one to another, then throw the water to the third person), fill a cylinder up to release a ball and then complete a totally awesome vertical puzzle.  Wanna know?  Comfort and a tarp for the first team, and a tarp for the second team. 

Spoiler alert-the practice did not help the brains tribe.  They really suck.  Beauty comes out ahead and goes to the puzzle, followed by Brawn.  At this point I swear the producers just gave Brains the water because I never say them amass enough to raise an olive let alone the ball.  Brawn kills the puzzle and wins the comfort,  Fortunately Brains kept Jtia a loooong way away from the puzzle, and they come from behind to beat the beautiful people and win the tarp. 

Tony carries the goods back to camp and once again searches and finds the clue.  "These people are idiots".  They set up their Pier 1 Imports Survivor collection and the place really does look like a homey hell hole.  Sarah tries out the hammock and lands on her ass. 

And so now it's time for the beautiful people to scramble.  "The energy is about to turn dark".  It's apparently a choice between Morgan and Brice.  And now, the moment you have all been waiting for......Brice.  First up, on what criteria is Brice considered beautiful?  I just do not see it,  and puleeeaaaaze stop with the he's all fashionable.  He dresses like a character from an  80's sitcom on the CW network.  He says he is more than beautiful, he is "a social threat".  LMAO.  And he says that in his most annoying voice.  I seriously cannot stand him. 

Morgan thinks Jeremiah is with them.  They need to bring  in Jefra,  Is Jefra one of the Dugger kids?  Like once they ran out of good J for jeebus names??  Morgan talks to Jefra who is all confused.  Mostly because she thought her whole job was to be beautiful and not, like, to think.  She's all, people have alliances???  Jefra talks to Jeremiah, who tells her no, we're sticking with the original alliance, although he doesn't want to vote against Morgan.  They decide to split the vote, so it would be a 2-2-2 tie, and then to vote out Brice for the win. 

Jeremiah wants to take over the tribe.  From I guess LJ.  But he's upset because "somebody's feelings are gonna get hurt".  Awwwww.  Bless his HOT little heart.  Seriously, this dude is HOOOOOT IMO.  Like he could go 50 shades of whatever color he wants on me.  He reminds me of one of the older brothers on another 80's show-like one of those 8 is enough or something shows where there was always a hot older brother who you just KNEW was borrowing the big family station wagon and banging the HELL out of the cheerleader team, and then smiling as he drove his little brothers and sisters around in the studly sperm mobile. 

Tribal.  Jeff is in blue but, meh, I have  Jeremiah on my mind. It is perhaps the most boring tribal ever. 

ARE YOU JUST BUNCH OF BEAUTY CLICHES?  Um, probably although nobody on this tribe knows what the words cliche means. 
Brice: I'm beautiful.  I'm like a beautiful caterpillar who has turned into a beautiful butterfly, flying around being beautiful and eating plants.  LMAO-THAT is almost a direct quote. 
Jefra:  This has been like a big fraternity party, but without the keg and the group sex.  Then there was a storm.  And now there is paranoid.  And apparently there was strategery but I wasn't aware of anything because this beautiful butterfly was annoying the shit out of me.
Brice:  There were formalized groups yes.  Me and Morgan (MORGAN AND I YOU ILLITERATE SHIT) were on the outs.  Alexis has never talked to me.  And I'm, like?  Social?  Everyone should pull their weight DOT DOT DOT harumph.
Brice: TALK ON THE TOWN is there may be idols. 
Jeremiah:  Whatever happens, I'm gonna have the sadz.  But my hair is gonna look GREAT. 

Jeff is basically out of "tough" questions.  Time to vote. It's a 3 way.  Tie that is.  Revote....and Brice gets to fly off but not before standing and staaaaring at Jeff for such a long minute I thought he was gonna go in for the tongue. 

SURVIVOR: BEAUTY, BRAWN AND......

DUMBASSES.

Welcome to week 1 (and 2) of this season's Survivor, where apparently Jeff is still gonna TALK ALL THROUGH THE CHALLENGES. 

The good news?  NO REDEMPTION AND NO RETURNING PLAYERS.  The bad news?  THESE PLAYERS.  Let me just do a little recap for ya.  We have a police officer who's a liar, a hairstylist who looks like Bob Marley on a bad day, a chick with a freaking hello kitty bow in her hair, and anorexic Pilates instructor, a gay Urkel and on and on.  OMG, the nicknames write themselves. 

So, 3 teams of 6 each which means no one can hide early.  Jeff is all,  ooooooh, it's Brains, Beauty and Brawn, think you can guess which one you are??  Choose a leader.  Beauty goes with LJ, Brawn goes with Sarah and the "Brains" go with David because he is wearing a blazer.  Now, the leaders get to pick off the weakest on their tribes.  LJ picks Morgan because in the world of beauty you can be hot or cute, and hot can't be trusted.  Sarah picks the anorexic old lady, Trish.  Blazer man David picks Garrett, who is like Stretch Armstrong with apparently a brain ( extra points if you remember Stretch).  He chooses him because he's already playing the last 2/3 of the game. 

In a twist, the weakest are the first to get helicoptered to camp.  And, of course, they get a choice of an extra bag of rice or the clue to an idol.  Garrett takes the clue, and finds the idol.  His body and head ratio is wrong is some way.  Anyone??

Trish takes the rice.  Not that she eats carbs or anything.  Morgan takes the clue and has no luck finding the idol.  She tells the tribe that she had a choice and she chose fishing gear, rice and shelter.  Which brings me to the point of complaining about how much luxury these people are starting out with.  I mean, a BOAT???  WTF??  Why do I think reward challenges are gonna be for electricity, refrigeration and a Keurik system??  LJ doesn't trust her.....

The beauty tribe bangs out fire.  Mostly by staring at the logs with all of their good looks. 

Anorexic tells everyone she took the second bag of rice instead of the idol.  Which basically tells everyone there IS an idol.  The get to work banging out a shelter. Wooo recognizes Cliff as a basketball player, which is so amazing since he's 8 feet tall and there usually are former athletes on Survivor.  Sarah and Tony have this strange conversation where she asks him if he's a cop and he repeatedly denies it.  She is a cop as well.  I think she smells the donut residue on his fingers.  She thinks he's a liar. 

On Brains, the nuclear engineer, J'Tia tells everyone she has a total plan for building shelter.  She's a bossy pain in the ASS, alienating everyone AND the shelter falls apart before any weight is put on it. 

Challenge.  It's a pull a cart, get keys, unlock chests and carry them through an obstacle course and then, DO A PUZZLE.  There are gonna be a lot of puzzles this season.  Question- I see the advantage of brawn and brains in the challenges but how are they gonna do a beauty advantage challenge?  Catwalk?? 

Bottom line, brains SUCK.  Or as Jeff says, "DISASTER....UNBELIEVABLE.....NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF SURVIVOR...." and other bullshit.    Beauty comes in first, and gets more fire, brawn comes in second and gets flint and brains gets to go to tribal. 

David wants Garrett out.  Kass wants J'Tia,  I want J'Tia out.  Kass tells her, "I think you should go".  JTia gets all hurt and shit, can't handle THE TRUTH.  Why do I get the sense the world has always been telling her how "special" she is?  She and hello kitty girl commiserate, and Garrett small head joins them.  He thinks David is a threat and sets off to orchestrate his demise.  Garrett talks to Spencer who is kind of a pussy, frankly.  He's afraid David has an idol. 

Tribal.  Get your torch because IN THIS GAME FIRE IS YOUR LIFE.

JTia is all I know you are gonna be up my ASS Jeff  because I'm in danger.  I had a big plan for the shelter and it didn't work.
David: She came out strong.  It was all going well for her.... until it was not.
JTia gets all defensive.  I had a plan.  I'm really a relationship person.  LMAO
Jeff: DAVID, YOU PICKED GARRETT AS WEAK RIGHT OFF THE BAT??
David: Yes, I'm playing my end game now.
Garrett: Yea, that sucked because as everyone can see, I'm Stretch Armstrong with a tiny head chock full of brains.
David: He ain't going anywhere tonight.
JTia: It's the first part of the game we should be playing, so David should go.
Spencer, DO YOU WANT TO SAY ANYTHING?  Yes, Jeff, it is a big vote.  Blah blah, trust. 

Vote:  David is blindsided. 

Back at camp for another hour of this.  Garrett is all THIS IS NOT FUN.  I AM NOT BEING AMUSED.  THERE  HAS NOT BEEN ANY SURVIVOR STRATEGERY YET.

He and Spencer are together.  They shake hands with Kass who is like, I'm everyone's #3. 

 Brawn:  Cliff and Woo go fishing.  In a giant BOAT that just happened to be in their camp.  It's ridiculous.  They tip it over and Cliff has a great laugh.  Everyone loves Cliff except Tony, in his red underwear, which have burned my eyes. 

On Beauty, purple wearing gay Urkel is droning on about, god knows what.  Jeremiah and Morgan flirt, because basically that's all the beautiful know how to do. 

Back on Brawn, Trish tells Lindsay (aka Bob Marley) to get wood.  Big cat fight ensues with Lindsay calling Trish MalnuTrisha.  LOL.  And, another nickname is born.  Trish storms off to find Tony, and they bond over their totally not cool with the youngsters vibe.  Tony is busy building a SPY SHACK.  So he can sneak up on people in the shelter and overhear them. Cliff is his target. 

Another Challenge.  Swim out to a cage, climb in, untie something, get fish traps, swim them back to shore and then....wait for it........PUZZLE TIME.  This one is a REALLY HARD FISH PUZZLE.  Wanna know?  Basically an entire fish kitchen in a basket.  You know, the kind of reward saved for the end when people are hungry?  Yea, that.

JTia is a slow swimmer but somehow they pick up time and end up getting their traps first.  IT'S AN EXHAUSTING CHALLENGE.....YOU ARE GONNA NEED TO REALLY DIG.......

The brains are back on shore first and, hey, it's a puzzle so this is gonna be a slam dunk.  Except they let JTia do the puzzle.  And, she is a freaking idiot.  They have a long advantage where she gets nothing, and then Brawn shows up and Sarah bangs out the puzzle to win.  JTia is still shuffling fish around.  LJ comes from behind and Beauty takes second place.  JTia I think still only had 1 piece.  JTai: " I let my tribe down".  Ya think???

Brawn takes the basket of Long John Silver back to camp, and then searches through the basket to find the idol clue.  No one else apparently thinks about it.  He runs to the pond and finds the idol. 

Ok, so now for the meat of this show.  The Shit for Brains tribe.  Everyone is sitting in the shelter and Garrett says, "I'm saying JTia".  Let's do this without any side conversations.  He pushes Kass to announce that she is aligned with him and she says reluctantly, "yea, probably JTia".  Spencer agrees but thinks the open forum is totally ridiculous.  Hello Kitty has a meltdown.  I WANT CONVERSATIONS.  THIS ISN'T THE SURVIVOR I SIGNED UP FOR WITH THE SIDE CONVERSATIONS AND THE MANIPULATIONS.  Yep, another smart person who always gets her way.  Kitty has the SADS because Garrett and the other ones DON'T WANT TO PLAY THE GAME THE WAY SHE DOES.  She literally cries. 

Spencer thinks Garrett is an idiot.  Now we have to babysit JTia and Kitty.  Garrett wants everyone to just sit together so no one can talk.  What a total meathead.  Kitty and Kass end up at the water and Kitty starts working on Kass.  Says they can be one and two and that if they get rid of Garrett this week she PROMISES that JTia will be next.  Garrett and Spencer wander down to the water and confront them. 

Kass:  YOU DUMB ASSES LEFT JTIA ALONE???????  JTia goes all Brandon Hantz and dumps the rice in the fire.  Kass walks up and says, "who dumped the rice, the RICE FAIRY????"  JTia:"That's what happens when you leave crazy alone".  Garrett is all, "hey, it wouldn't have happened if we had all stuck together".  And no one is really that upset that THERE IS NO RICE. 

Tribal

SO I CAN SEE FROM YOUR FACES SOMETHING IS UP
Spencer: Garrett wanted an open forum, which was not a good idea
Tasha:  I wanted to talk to JTia
Garrett:  I wanted Kass to know we were with her.
JTia:  ok, ok, ok, Jeff, I threw the rice into the fire.  Not my best moment. GET OVER IT PEOPLE
Tasha:  She's volatile which is why I didn't want them to tell her she was going.
Jeff:  THIS IS WHY BLINDSIDES WORK.
JTia:  You spanked my ass publicly Garrett
Kass:  They are all paranoid.  Garrett left her alone when we went to wash our feet.
Tasha:  I FEEL STIFLED,  STIFLED I TELL YA. 
Garrett:  Tasha was upset about our alliance, I mean our tribe.
Kass says she is not in the alliance with Garrett.
Garrett says, "we shoot hands on day 4"
Spencer:  He said it now....
Garrett tries to say Kass approached Spencer and him but Kass insists that isn't the way it went down. 

Time to vote...... Garrett is the second person voted out.  Which begs the question, HOW BAD DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO GET VOTED OUT OVER A CRAZY WOMAN WHO DUMPS YOUR RICE????????

Jeff:  It's the ODDEST TRIBE EVER.