Survivor Brazil Week 9

Yo, welcome to another edition of Coach: Cock of the Walk. But, before I delve into another episode of fun, intrigue and friggin puzzles, did everyone see the report that Coach has been relieved of him coaching job because he lied about going on Survivor? Told the team he had to go into the hospital for 2 MONTHS for cancer testing. LOL. Guess he already knew there was no chance in HELL anyone on the team would want to visit or send flowers.

OK, so when we left Brandon was voted off cause the jalapeno alliance decided to go along with Coach. Sierra is now alone without her 2 person alliance, and without the immunity idol. Hmmm, didn't she have an alliance with Stephen and Taj as well? Guess not.

Sierra talks to Coach, as one does when in the presence of greatness. "Sierra, you make bad decisions in life. You pitted yourself against me. You deserve to go home." Wow. Let's judge her whole life based upon an alliance on a game show!

Coach is doing the dragon slayer bullshit. "I got rid of the stronger, younger and, let's face it WAY better looking competitor. Although, not sure about strongest cause, we were talking last week? About, like, being strong and stuff? It was right after we whipped out our peckers and measured them-you'll notice I didn't call myself better endowed-anyway, I said I could bench press 300 lbs and Brandon was all, WOW, I can't. Anyway, YYYYYEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Oh, that was an Amazonian primal yell that means, I am the dragon slayer, and victory is already mine".

Sierra continues the pity tour. Talks to Tyson. Ok, he's an ugly ass psychopath. He thinks it's funny. "She's of no worth. I guess her parents love her but her boyfriend must be a loser".

Reward Challenge: 2 teams, have to run out into the jungle, and CRAPPPPPPPPPPPP, untie 4 big swiss cheese puzzle pieces,carry them back and each one in the right puzzle stand. Then, you have to line up the swiss cheese holes so you can read a bunch of vowels that you use with letters to solve the daily word power. C'mon, this is the best we can do?????????????????? Wanna know what you are playing for? Food and some strange ass martial arts-ballet thing that Coach pretends he's all familiar with.

Red team is Tyson, Erinn, JT and Debbie. Black is Coach, Sierra, Stephen and Taj. I'll skip the boredom. The red team obliterates the black team. It's not even close.

Jeff: "Coach, you continue to lose out on these reward challenges, which is surprising with all of your life experiences".
Coach "Well, Jeff, I didn't have to move puzzle boards in the Amazon". Oh, SNAP.

Stephen is sent back to exile in case there is a re-hidden idol.

Reward: Food and local dancing. Apparently the natives speak English. They eat like pigs. I saw corn, what looked like quesadillas, corn bread and WTF?? Brownies? Isn't this the second week of Duncan Hines? (Well, Duncan Hiney's if you include the Charmin challenge). Debbie is all into the kids cause she's a principle in case you missed that. After gorging themselves, Survivors are brought up to "dance" with the "natives" which includes Debbie doing a couple back flips, Tyson doing a cartwheel and Erinn kicking real high. This makes Erinn barf in the woods.

Exile: No new idol.

Back at camp, Sierra tries to talk to Debbie in front of Erinn and Coach. They treat her like a puppy that shit on the rug. Debbie is all, "you made your bed, we all have to live with the choices we make in life". Why do I think these platitudes are going to come back and bite Debbie and Coach in the ass? Erinn gets a few jabs in as well. But, in her one on one camera time, she admits that Sierra is right but Erinn wants Sierra out so she can "turn the game on it's head". LOL. As if.

Sierra works on Coach again. He acts like, poor little thing, I'd like to give you a second chance. It's kind of boring.

Immunity Challenge: It's cold and rainy. Everyone is in bathing suits shivering. Except Jeff. He is in a lovely periwinkle blue safari shirt, and he has the HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT wet shower hair. Uhuh. And, OMG, he has a little tuft of wet hair sticking just slightly peeking out of her shirt.

Ok, I'm not even sure I can type this part. I really really don't want to. Wait, let me slam back a shot of whisky...................................................... Ok. Today's Immunity challenge is.......Shuffleboard. I kid you not. A new LOW in Survivor history. Oh, but there's a catch. If you want to sit it out, you can do that and eat pizza instead. Stephen, JT and Coach sit out and eat pizza. Tyson is not happy with Coach for taking the easy way out.

Shuffleboard. It's boring. It's not even real shuffleboard. It's like the kind you find in a cocktail lounge in Florida. The kind of place old retired people in hats, Hawaiian shirts and black socks with sandals hang out. Also, the little mini board is full of water. Anyway. It's just a bad holiday nightmare. Tyson manages to get 2 chips near the star, and Sierra knocks them both out putting herself in play. She does a little dance which pisses Coach and Tyson off. Debbie is the only one left with a shot. She knocks Sierra off and wins immunity.

Jeff puts the necklace on her and then, BASTARD, keeps his arm around her shoulder for too long, in my opinion. TRAMP.

Back at camp, Tyson, Debbie and Coach huddle around the fire and complain about Sierra. In the tent, Stephen, Erinn and Taj hatch a plot to get rid of Tyson while he doesn't have immunity. Stephen talks to JT about it. JT isn't sure he wants to show his hand this early. Coach talks to JT: "I want to to into the finals with the 5 warrior alliance"JT:" You can trust me"

Tribal Council: Time for Probsting

Oh, in case I forget, Coach turns up at tribal with a feather in his hear and another in his little pony tail.
Tyson: " I'm totally comfortable tonight Jeff"
Jeff: "Sierra, do you think people are being nice to you and telling you it's your time so you'll be nice to them on the jury?"
Sierra: "Well, Jeff, blahblahblah"
Tyson: "Nobody knows what you are talking about you idiot" "I never felt a bond with her" "I gave her 5 minutes and now I'm done with her"
Sierra:" frankly, I'd vote for Tyson cause he's the strong one and will probably win all of the challenges"Jeff: "Coach: I Tyson a threat?"
Coach: "Well, Jeff, I want to walk the path of a noble warrior and go into the final battle with only the strongest. I want to win an honorable battle "
Jeff: "Hmmmm, so, is that why you got rid of Brandon, the strongest player last week??"
Coach:"Um, haha, um, I'm a ravenous wolf"
Me: "What the fuck are you talking about you crazy ass loon with feathers in your pony tail???"
Time to vote and count the votes:
Sierra gets 3 votes, Tyson gets 4. WTF????????????????????? Hey, what's that smell? That's the smell of the Smug-Birdman-Dragon-Slayer crapping himself.

Forza
Coach: Leslie
Debbie: Elayne
Sierra: Donna
Errin.Carolyn
JT: Stacey
Taj: Kelly
Stephen: Mary and Becky

Off to Carnival
Carolina: Terri
Candace: Matt and Kevin
Jerry: Karen and John
Sandy: Jeff and Eileen
Spencer: Joanne
Sydney: Ginnie
Joe: Kim
Brendan: Amy and Maureen
Tyson: Tess and Susan

Survivor Brazil Week 8

YO, I just watched last week's episode last night. Am still laughing about what a total ASS Coach it.

It was all Coach, all the time last week. Coach thought everyone was bored sitting around the campfire, so he decided to tell some little stories of his life, just to amuse people.

If you didn't watch the show, find a teenager, but some dope and take a BIG hit while I tell ya the story.

“I want you to know that there are three people in the world that know this story,”

APPARENTLY this idiot thinks he was air lifted BY MILITARY HELICOPTERS (I have connections,,,) into the Amazon, where he was captured by six or 7 "indigenous 4 foot tall people" with arrows pointed at him. He was tied to a stake and beaten (I guess around the knees since they were all dwarf amazonians). He slipped out of the rope, slipped out the back of camp and kayak'd for 2 days to escape.

SERIOUSLY??? Are ya sure they weren't aliens? Cause, the look a lot like 4' tall amazonians. Apparently, the National Geographic wanted to go to the Amazon with him and he said, "nooo, this is all about me". Riiiiiight.

The funniest part was the other Survivors just looking at him and the sound of crickets. Man, we watched this and then went to bed and I kept waking Wil up asking him if he really said, military helicopters? Like, blackhawks?? And, was this the same trip w ith the snake or did he go back for revenge? Is it me or is this like the plot of that crappy "Captain Hook" movie-the one where Julia Roberts had that shitty short haircut after she alter-ran from FRIGGIN KIEFFER SUTHERLAND"????????

So, next morning Coach is doing his yoga-oh sorry Tai Chi, which he calls Chong Ran. I call it Douche Bag. “If you do a Google search on it, you won’t find it. It’s only passed down verbally. You have to go there to the monastery to study it,”

Time to make a bazillion alliances. JT says he has an alliance with Coach, Tyson, Stephen and I think Debbie (he was twanging pretty bad here).

Coach: I am the dragon slayer, and Brendan is the head of the dragon. Sierra is the colon. I must kill the dragon.

JT sides up to Erinn. She missed Joe. JT: "so, do y'all have an alliance out here? Hmmmmm, maybe for a little sex I can help y'all out little lady".

JT goes to his OTHER alliance and asks Taj and Stephen what they would think about an alliance with him and Erinn.

Reward Challenge: thanks god, that whole alliance shit was testing my sobriety. In yet another blatant attack on Ceramic Artists, survivors are split into teams of 3 (Coach, Taj and Tyson; Stephen, Erin and Sierra; Debbie, JT and Brendan) and take turns throwing bean bags through ceramic tiles. Seriously, I think this game was called connect 4 when I was a kid.

Wanna know what you're playing for? White water rafting and a picnic. No toilet though . You also get to send one person to exile.

Team Coach is first out. So, Coach just stands around looking bored and pissed the rest of the time. Team Stephen is out next meaning Debbie, JT and Brendan win reward. They send Stephen back to exile.

Cut to Stephen at exile. Stephen manages to build a fire which takes about 2 hours. Poor Stephen, doesn't have his brokeback mountain buddy. Apparently this time he spends 2 nights on exile.

Reward: rafting and food. While Debbie takes a walk, Brendan ask JT if anyone has approached him to be in an alliance. This guy is working the stupid hick thing like a champ. Brendan thinks his chances lie with JT.

Back at camp next morning, Brendan stayed up all night trying to figure out how to not lose. He decides he wants to bring JT into his alliance. He talks to Sierra who is a little hot for JT and wants to keep him around. Brendan lays out the plan. “Take out Tyson, Coach and Erinn,” He presents the idea to Taj who just wants to keep Jalapeno around as long as possible.

Hey, is Taj really a former pop star??

Challenge: it's some complicated rope mess. You are attached to a rope and have to navigate through a maze. There are 2 stages. It is friggin lame.

Stage 1: JT, Tyson and Brendan win. Coach, Mr I-got-out-of-the-amazon-alive comes in about last.
Stage 2: Tyson wins immunity.

Ok, Tyson kind of creeps me out. He looks like one of the lost boys from said mentioned Captain Hook movie. Coach wants to split the vote between Brendan and Sierra so if one of them plays the idol, the other goes. Which is Tyson's plan from last week...

Brendan wants Coach and talks to Sierra, JT, Taj and Stephen about it.

Tribal: Jeff has apparently been briefed by the camera crew cause he starts right off with "so, who tells the best campfire stories". LOL.

Coach has his samuri hair tonight. Jeff is in pale green. It's a good color for him.

TAJ: Coach tells the best campfire stories.
Jeff: Really?? Do tell.
Coach: I actually toned the story down to make it PG. The dwarfs really wanted to eat my ahole. LMFAO. uhuh.
Coach: I've had 6-8 life or death situations, Jeff. Been in a hurricane, attacked by a shark, and a croc, the Indian tribe capture... WOW, who knew how friggin stressful being a concert conductor could be!
Jeff: Coach, are you still confident?
Jeff: Tyson, how big is trust??
Taj: JT is a triple threat, Jeff.
Jeff: Taj-do you have the idol? Stephen? Brendan? "Yes, Jeff, I have the idol"
Time to vote.

Coach gets 2 votes (Sierra and Brendan)
Sierra gets 3 ( JT, Tyson and Erin)
Brendan gets 4 votes ( Coach, Debbie, Taj, Stephen).

Brendan is voted off. Damn, I was hoping Coach was going but, why ruin the party now??

Survivor Week 7

Welcome to the I Hate Coach weekly update. Brought to you by Charmin.

This week, surprise surprise, we start with Coach. He's doing yoga down at the beach with Carl Orff's Carmina Burana playing in the background. And, yes, you all should be impressed that not only did I know the music, I knew the composer. haha, not just a pretty face with a fabulous sense of humor now, am I?? Coach and I are kindred spirits, renaissance women if you will.

So, Coach is yoga'd out and has the realization DING "this is about me now". Lol, as if this is new in his life. He decides to be Mr. Nice Guy and gives backrubs. Cut to Brendan bagging on Coach saying he "started the whole samari hair thing" with his little pony tale.

Joe has a leg infection from the nasty germs in Brazil.

Tree Mail: something about your head spinning, but really it's a merge and a feast. Coach " the merge is like getting a new girlfriend, lots of new things to explore". Yea, you don't know whether to try on her shoes or her underwear first. They eat and drink but Coach eats standing up which I think is really weird. Maybe it's from a whole 'eating standing up in the Amazon' flashback.

They all go back to Timburra's camp. JT wants to know what's up with the dog house shelter. Debbie: "do y'all want a tour", like it's a new McMansion. I thought the tour would be all, I shit there, Sierra shits here and Coach just shits wherever he wants.

Coach and JT go down to the fishing hole. Coach suddenly likes fishing-fly fishing to be exact. Loves "the art of the cast". What a friggin idiot. Coach wants to bond with JT cause he's a lawyer and an intellectual. JT is smarter than his redneck image cause he right away asks Coach if it's true that Brendan is in charge? That gets up Coach's ASS which is exactly what JT wanted. JT eludes that Brendan must have the idol since he didn't share clues with Taj.

Coach goes to Tyson and tells him, "Brendan has the idol". Tyson talks to Stephen, wants help getting Brendan out. And, as quickly as that, Timbura falls apart as a tribe.

JT and Tyson are fishing. Tyson tells JT he wants Brendan out. Debbie and Tyson go for "wood". Which is more about talking smack about everyone than the porn reference I thought it meant. Not to be left out, Taj and Stephan are upset that Sierra and Brendan didn't run right over and hug them and say, "hey, immunity idol buddies". Brendan is obviously too smart for that, wants it to be low key.

Erinn and Joe talk. Seriously, I think there was something in the feast that made everyone talk a lot. She never looked for the idol after they left exhale. Joe has to show her what the clue meant, even though it is the lamest clue in Survivor history. They go to tree mail, no idol. They assume Brendan and Sierra have it.

Oh, they rename themselves Forza Tribe cause someone thinks Forza means strength or something in brazillian.

Challenge time. Whoa, maybe it's my beer goggles but Jeff is looking so freakin sexy. Seriously! I would say he looked so hot that my husband might even have gotten lucky that night but I wouldn't want to upset Becky and Mary with that visual image.

Man, he is so freakin hot that I can't remember what the challenge is. Oh yea, pole humping. Climb up onto a pole and hump it as long as possible. Or something like that. Maybe I just have humping on the brain. Stephen is first out, followed by Joe (to which I said to the TV, "Hey Jeff, you might want to get medical to look at Joe's red puss filled leg), then Brendan, Taj, Erinn, JT, Coach, and Sierra which leaves Debbie and the barefooted Tyson. Someone says something funny and Debbie is out. Tyson wins immunity.

Since Jeff and I have a special bond, he calls medical over to look at Joe's let. I think it's the same australian medical chick as before. She tells Joe that he has an infection, and if it doesn't go away he could lose everything but his head. Seriously, it was wicked scare tactic, also known as "limited liability 101".

Back on Forza, the are all standing under a huge patio umbrella which I have no idea where it came from. Man, that was bad sentence structure. Anyway, maybe they stole it after the feast.

And, now, it all goes freakin CRAZY with alliances, cross alliances, sideways alliances, and I would like to do a John Madden on the screen so I can keep track of all of the alliances going on. Somehow Stephen and JT come up with a vote split between Sierra and Brendan in case Brendan plays the idol. Are they turning against their alliance??

Coach calls himself the dragon slayer cause it's all his idea. Whatever.

Jeff shows up at camp, without his baseball hat and with just out of the shower hair. OMGZ. So freakin hot. Joe is leaving the game cause they don't have a syringe of antibiotics to shoot into his ass. Or something like that. Actually I think Joe and the medic chick are hooking up. Anyway, no tribal council.

Survivor Week 6

Yo, so I wasn't gonna do an update on last week's show since it was a rehash of the first 14 or so days but, as the show progressed I felt my fingers inching over to the notepad and thought I would share a few comments.

First off, I like to think of this mid season summary as the Drinking Woman's Guide to Survivor. Cause, as you all know from that damn immunity idol slip up I made the other week, I am usually only about half in the bag when this show starts. So, I do appreciate the Probster going back and talking slowly to me about what I've missed.

Some quotes that cracked me up:
Coach is "Stephen Segal's love child"Probst: the season started with an EPIC 4 hour journey to camp. Epic?? Really Jeff? According to dictionary.com "epic" means noting or pertaining to a long poetic composition, usually centered upon a hero, in which a series of great achievements or events is narrated in elevated style: Homer's Iliad is an epic poem. I mean I know Survivor is a fabulous show but I really don't think 18 strangers wondering out in Brazil looking for a camp on a reality TV show is in the Iliad's category.

JT: a well educated hillbilly. Oxymoron or what!

Taj: "I look fat but I'm really muscular" Which is funny to me cause I was just saying that to my husband.

Lots of pics of Timbura eating bugs and stuff, the men of Jalapeno trying and failing to relight the fire and Sydney getting the job done. Tyson dancing naked, dancing with a loincloth. Tyson is an 'atypical mormon". I think after this show he can drop the mormon line. Hey, lots of interesting scenes with the elusive Debbie. Is there something going on here or is this just another cougar in the jungle?

Brendan and Coach have an alpha male 'bench building contest". Is that friggin GAY or what??

Taj has a crying jag about her ugly bug bitten skin. She's never gonna be beautiful again. "I can't go home empty handed looking like this" Yea, cause my NFL or NBA hubby will replace my ass with a blonde white girl in a heartbeat. Stephen gets a hug in to console the bitten one. Stephen probably has never been that close to a big MUSCULAR woman.

LMAO-Ok, I just love Coach because he is just such a friggin ahole. Apparently he screamed "snake" in his sleep, which he attributes to a nightmare about an Amazon snake incident he once had. Uhuh, was that before or after you conducted the symphony you prissy pompous phony? I love Erin:"Who IS this Jackass??"

And, hands down, my favorite part of the rehash show was the Brazilian Brokeback Mountain scene of Brendan and Stephan 'spooning" on ecstasy island. Dude, I wish I could quit you. Seriously, Stephen must feel like he has stepped into a porno, first hugging a big MUSCULAR black woman with a groin knot, and now getting a little Brendan.

Probst: " the challenges are going to get more intense". Christ, I think that means the puzzles will now have MORE THAN 6 PIECES EACH.

Peace out. Enjoy this great weather and tonight's NEW episode.

Survivor Week 5

Crap, every week I SWEAR that I am not going to be doing this at the last minute and EVERY week I find myself doing it at the last minute. Man. Wait! The NCAA is on tonight. I think that means Survivor is not on. Coooooool. I know next week it's on Wednesday. Shit was it on last night and nobody told me?

So I was going to start this with the words to the Survivor theme song, but I am never sure if those are really words, if they are in English, or if you play them backwards it says "Jeff Probst is HOT". Maybe someone could look it up on the internet tomorrow during work and see if the lyrics are posted.

Ok, so first off the show starts with a rehash of last week and we see Brendan finding the idol last week. Holy shit, how drunk was I that I totally did not see that happen?? Jeez, that is embarrassing.

Ok, so at the start Stephen is scratching Taj's back. "I've never given such pleasure to a woman". Yea, like we didn't see that line coming . Taj and Stephen figure that the idol is at treemail, and they go out and uncover it. Taj, who as we all know does not have pockets but DOES HAVE A GROIN KNOT, gives it to Stephen to keep in his pocket. Stephen tells the camera that is will stay in his possession. Hmmmm.

On Timbura, Debra et al go off to wash the one pot they have. Sierra give Brendan a nudge for not telling her about the alliance. Brendan tells Sierra HE FOUND THE IDOL LAST WEEK, as anyone sober would know. Sienna is acting a little too cocky for my taste.

Challenge: the drunken walk of shame. I would have been pretty good at this one, having had lots of experience in that department, much of it from the Sellman's holiday parties. One member is seated on a spinning platform and another member pulls on a rope and spins them around. After getting all dizzy, the first member has to walk a balance beam. Just watching the spinning has me dizzy. Wanna know what you're playing for? In the worst product placement in the friggin HISTORY OF SURVIVOR, the reward is a chance to drink a cup of coffee and take a crap at the Charmin Cafe. Seriously. What, no bran muffins to go with that? Like, how do they decide who goes first, cause anyone after the first crapper is not getting any big reward in my mind. I'll spare you the challenge details, but Jalapeno wins the shits.

Brendan and Stephen are sent to exile. Cut to Tyson,,,"hmmmm, I'm getting a little suspicious that Brendan is too friendly with Jalapeno".

I am soo not going into the whole Charmin Cafe reward. However, in the hammocks at the cafe (where you go to rest after taking your huge CRAP) there are letters from home. WHEW. Cause I know personally I can never take a good crap without reading material. And, I guess if you don't have Readers Digest, then a letter from home will relax your colon just as well.

On Timbura, Coach is wondering why Brendan picked Stephen. Coach isn't happy, "Brendan has to go next". Um, weren't Coach and Brendan tight? Is this about exile island or is Coach still pissed everyone picked Brendan as leader? Hmmmm.

OMG-a huge storm picks up. Coach sticks his head up, sniffs the air and confidently tells the tribe not to worry, it looks like it'll pass. Hey, heck of a job, Brownie! 10 minutes later, torrential downpour. Erinn (the cancer): "Coach is a jackass".

Exile, Brendan and Stephen both have idols. Stephen doesn't totally trust Brendan. At Jalapeno, Sydney tells Spencer about her dream with her boyfriend. She misses him and asks Spencer if there is a special woman in his life. Spencer admits to the camera that he is gay but isn't telling anyone.

Tree mail: teams get a lacrosse sticks and a note telling them "connecting with your tribe will keep you safe". 2 members of each tribe launch balls onto a water filled field, where the rest of the tribes try to catch balls. You can catch anyone's balls. First team to 5 wins immunity.

JT catches the first 2 right off the bat for Jalapeno. Timbura catches 2. JT dives for a ball, catches it but loses a tooth. Jeff tells him to go get it cause he'll need it. lol-I seriously don't think the tooth fairy is going to Brazil. JT catches another one, it's 4 to 2. Due to his limp wrist, Spencer fails to guard Tyson and Timbura scores 2 making it tied at 4. JT is aggravated. JT misses the final ball and Spencer fails to guard Tyson and Timbura wins immunity.

JT is totally MAAAAD. Taj is mad. She thinks Spencer is lame. "Everybody should vote to do what's best for the tribe" She is also mad at Joe for not being upfront with her-every time they have to vote someone off, she thinks she knows who it will be and at Tribal it's someone different. Joe now wants to get rid of Taj. Stephen is in a tough position, tries to talk Joe out of Taj. JT wants Spencer.

Tribal Council. Time for the Probsting Questions. "Spencer, how'd you feel about your performance today?" OUCH. Jeff is meaner than he used to be. He also asks Taj if she can feel the effect of losing. "Joe, what does it feel like to be attacked by Taj?" "Spencer, do you know what the gut feeling that you're next feels like?" "Taj, what's the exile situation?" Joe asks Taj to look him in the eye and say she doesn't have the idol. Taj looks him in the eye and says she doesn't have it. Joe believes her. Jeff: "It all comes down to believing what people tell you". So true. Time to talley-ho the votes.

Spencer is the fifth person voted out of Survivor.

Survivor Brazil Week 4

Yo, did y'all miss me last week?? Damn computer hard drive went and we were without internet for AN ENTIRE WEEK. It was the longest week in my life. So, no update. If I have time someday I may recreate the update from last week, but if not, bye bye Jerry. You should have brought Beeno as your one personal item.OK.

It's now time in Survivor to get out our rulers and measure our dicks. Who is the leader of Timbura? Errin pissed Coach off last tribal council by saying Brendan was a better leader than Coach cause coach is a passive aggressive NUTJOB. Erinn is THE CANCER OF THE TRIBE, and I want her head on a plate.

The next day, the tribe elects Brendan as leader, which Coach agrees with but secretly seethes with envy and states that he is stronger than Brendan. Yea, he's just been saving his strength in all of the challenges that he sucked on. Oh, and since I am already bagging on Coach, where the hell does he buy his clothes?? A renaissance fair or something? I mean, what is that style-country western meets disco meets granola?? Every time he wears that black jacket with the thing on it I want to sing "eye of the tiger".

Over on Jalapeno, Taj brings wimpy Stephen into her alliance with Brendan and Sierra. "The biggest upset in Survivor history". hmmm, we'll see. Brendan doesn't get around to sharing the info with Sierra.

Challenge: Woooohooooo. It ain't a friggin puzzle. Who can shoulder the weight?? 2 men and 1 woman from each tribe have to have weights hung on them to see who can outlast. For Jalapeno it's Joe, Taj and JT; Timbura sets up Brendan, Debra and Tyson. Hmmm, why not send up the herculeanly strong Coach??

Brendan goes out first at 180 lbs, followed by Tyson at 140. JT takes on the Rupert record of 220 lbs before dropping out, Joe is out at 140 also. The challenge comes down to TAJ and Debra. OH, wanna know what you're playing for?? A chance to raid the other camp and steal 2 items. Crap, coach better hide that jacket.

Debra drops out at 100 lbs and Taj wins the challenge for Jalapeno. Sierra and Taj head off to exile island. Timbura hurries back to their camp to hide the good stuff. JT and Joe arrive and decide to take just one container of water and one of their 2 bags of beans, thinking there might be a camp or tribe switch and they wouldn't want to be stuck on Timbura without any food.

Once back at Jalapeno, Raggedy Sandy freaks out on them with her good ol' southern logic: "It’s like you gots a hunnert guns, we'sjust gonna take seventy-five of ‘em. You kin keep twenty-five (she's quick with the math) and shoot at us later!” Sandy's meds are wearing off and she is annoying EVERYONE. She repeats everything 3 times, including "Them are farting beans". I think she is slowly dehydrating, if you ask me.

Sandy is getting annoyed at Sydney who is hitting up on all the men.

On exhale island, Taj gets the urn with the clue. She tells Sierra about her and Brendan's alliance and Sierra "gets goose bumps".

Back on Timbura, they decide to have a lazy day. Tyson dresses in a loincloth and jumps around yelling "booga booga" to the hysteria of everyone but sullen Erinn. Ahh, Erinn gets her one on one camera face time to audition her acting skills by doing her "I just suffered a breakup" routine. Tyson and the others comment on the stick up Erinn's ass, and Tyson is looking forward to seeing her "freak out" at Tribal when she is voted off.

Immunity Challenge: Shit, it's a puzzle again.

One tribe member at a time will race out on a zigzagged course, retrieve a puzzle piece and race back, at which point the next person will go. Once all eight puzzle pieces have been collected, they must be placed in the correct spot in a frame and rotated to spell out the winning phrase.

I'm hoping the winning phrase is not "Drink More Ovaltine". It's neck and neck until Sydney can't get her knot undone and Timbura moves ahead. Timbura is first to get the phrase “Escape the vote: Timbira wins immunity.”

Back at Jalapeno, Sandy is the obvious annoying choice. In the post race bath, Taj is talking WITH SANDY RIGHT THERE about how how much better Sandy is a the challenges than Sierra. JT and Stephen don't want to vote the sugar off. Cut to Sydney : "I am enjoying he sneakiness of the game".

Tribal Council: Sandy is confident that she isn't going. JT states that she is the mother figure of the tribe which says more about what a dysfunctional family it is. Sandy brings up Sydney's flirting. Jeff: "JT, is Sydney wearing your boxers?? Are YOU wearing her underwear??" Sandy tells Jeff, WHILE WINKING AT HIM, "Tomorrow there might be people upset". Yea, but not on Jalapeno as Sandy is the 4th person voted off.

Survivor Brazil Week One

Probst:" Here we are in some god forsaken hell hole Burnett sent me to in retaliation for that contract negotiation. Token-cheese in the heart of brazil, which is famous for soccer. Oh, and....soccer. I'm here with 16 contestants all hoping to be the sole survivor, and all horribly inappropriately dressed to live in the interior of Brazil for 39 days. I mean, one of these chicks is in a dress and cowboy boots for god sake. Once this truck stops, I get to jump off all dramatic-like, and then the teams, who haven't spoken to each other, will get to use their tourette-ian logic of analyzing each other grunts, grimaces and other tics, as well as their smell, to immediately vote one person from each team THAT WON'T MAKE THE 4 HOUR TREK".

First up, the red team, who unanimously vote for "that strung out old blonde woman", who is PISSED. The black team votes for the chick in the black and white sweater (carrying I believe a purse??). She is sick, has a fever and is on antibiotics. Hmmm, I don't think the little animals are supposed to tell the big animals that they have a lame leg.

Probst: "Strung out blonde woman, how are you feeling about this"
Sandy: "I am PISSED.
Probst: "But wait, you get to ride to the camp in a helicopter"
Sandy:"Yea yea yea, wooohooo"
Probst:" Sandy, do you realize this is a game of social skills, and you have just demonstrated you have none and blah blah blah social experiment blah blah blah socially retarded" Seriously, is it me or does Jeff have something up his ass about this woman? Hmmm, a little too much like mamma Probst perhaps??

Sandy and Sierra fly to the camps. They are met with a note telling them they can either set up the camp for the others or search for the immunity idol. "Shit, Ima gonna git me one of them thar iiiidols" Sandy says. Sierra decides to build a little village with a coffee shop, drug store, and a quaint little gazebo for the band to play on warm nights.

The red team, which is called jalapeno with out the n for some reason, doesn't take any water with them. The Timbira tribe has all the water and beans. That's cause the black team has the freakishly weird and self-conceited Coach. First up, from a poolster's perspective, if someone wants to go by the name coach, then use that name on the damn website. I spent half of the show figuring out Coach was Benjamin. Coach is a pain in the ass. He's a renaissance man. Coaches some sports thing and also is a music director. Big deal, he has 2 part time jobs.

The tribes crawl the 4 hours to the camps. Jalapeno is pissed that Sandy has just sat on her ass for 4 hours. The Black team is happy that Sierra built a village but Coach still wants her to go first. I'm guessing he's a bitch of a coach.

Day 2. Sandy is still looking for that idol. Sandy doesn't get that you aren't supposed to talk to the damn camera men. Finds one clue and then has to walk 10 paces to the next clue. "Wuz a paaace?" she asks the camera man.

Over on Timbira, Tyson gets all nude carrying water out of the lake. Which, I thought there was none of in token-cheese. Hmmm, man made anyone??

Challenge: Race into the river, get puzzle pieces on a raft, carry them back, build a staircase, climb the stairs and do a puzzle maze. Christ, this season is going to be as lame ass as last season. Seriously, enough with the damn puzzles. Wanna know what you are playing for? A year subscription to Highlights Magazine!!! No, actually fire and immunity.

Jeff tells us it's 120 degrees. Apparently no one thought to bring a bathing suit and it's like a JC Penney's lingerie catalogue watching these people. Carolina, the chick in the red dress and cowboy boots is weak. Sandy and Taj kick ass on the puzzle (due in large part I'm sure in Sandy having to move the one floor board in her kitchen over the possum nest to cook). Sierra kicks ass on the other team. It's neck and neck on to the maze magnetic puzzle game. This is like the most ridiculous game of go fish, with little sticks and plastic fish whose mouths are motorized to open and close. Timbira wins immunity!!

Immediately back at Jalapeno, Carolina (whose dress is now wrapped around her head in a reenactment of how she got this Survivor gig) starts bagging on everyone to clean up the camp. Yea, that's always a good thing to start whining about when people are hot and thirsty. "Y'all, we got to sweep the dirt floor".

Sandy and Carolina bond, and have a big ol hug. Sandy is "in the ladies room" digging around looking for the lone pineapple tree and trying to figure out what a pace is.

Tribal council. Jeff has to explain to everyone that the torches mean life. Ok, Jeff, most of us have watched this show before. Just sit there and look pretty.

Dr. Jeff: "Sandy, are you a little crazy??"
Sandy: "Shit Jeff, wait until that extra dose of lithium I took wears off"

Time to vote. LOL. You could see it PAINED Jeff to say that Carolina was the first voted off Survivor Token Cheese instead of Sandy.