Survivor: Whole lot of backstabbing to come!

One more fabulous episode of this season's Survivor: The Resurrection of Christ. One more chance to see JEFF in his dark blue shirt, and one more oh my god so hot hot hot time at the Pottstown Motel 6!! And, thank you Jeff honey, for calling ahead last week and asking them for a clean bedspread. It's the little things that lets me know how much you care.


Ok. So basically there are still, what, 9 people who could win this thang?? They better get to hacking pretty quick tomorrow night.

Last week Andrea was blindsided. Like BANG blindsided. Ashley and Natalie are happy to be the last girls standing. Ashley wants a pact that they tell each other if they hear they are getting blindsided. Natalie says, uhuh, but then Rob asks her and she tells him she's with him all the way. He's getting nervous with only 7 days to prove to his wife that he is capable of winning Survivor too.

Andrea arrives at Resurrection Island. Note: is it really an island?? Because it seems like they all walk there. Hmmmmm. So, Matt isn't glad to see her. Because his bible tells him to keep your cheek turned against someone who does you wrong. They argue. You hate me...no you hate me....you threw me under the bus...no you threw me under the bus. Christ, just shag and get it over with. Time for sleep. Ralph tells her she has to sleep outside the tent. I believe he also tells her Rob used her like toilet paper and wiped his ass with her but he could have been saying, "Nice night".

Time for the Quadruel. Andrea boohooos that everyone lied to her. Yawn. FYI-Jeff is in light blue. Ahhhh, holy christ, it's a puzzle challenge. Do a table maze, smash something, do a puzzle. Whatever. Ralph kicks ASS. Andrea totally freaks out and Mike finishes his maze. Then Matt. Onto the puzzle, and Mike wins. Crap, Ralph loses the puzzle and is on the jury. OMG, what is he gonna look like all cleaned up??? Rob is done with the whole Resurrection Island thing. ME TOO, ROB. Jeff love it, so I expect it to return.

And, back at camp, the always present Rice Wars erupt. People want to eat, Ashley wants to conserve rice. Rob wants them to eat a little. Phillip goes all federal agent commando on the girls, saying the men need more calories than the women to beat whoever comes back from RI. Rob and Grant retire to the lanai to discuss getting rid of Ashley and breaking up the girls. Phillip is still in ranting mood. He points out that they never argue with Rob. "Because Rob is sane!!" OMG, DO NOT SAY THE WORD CRAZY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. The girls leave, calling Phillip PSYCHO on the way out. Hmnmmmm, Rob has to do some damage control. He's worried the girls are too close, and he's worried Phillip is getting too crazy.

Rob talks to Natalie and assures her she'll go to the end if she does what he tells her. Ashley is getting a little worried-Rob tells Natalie to keep her happy. Ashley thinks Rob would get rid of either she or Natalie to take Grant to the end, and wants something BIG to happen.

Ashley approaches Rob and tells him her plan to get rid of Grant, basically saying if Mike comes back, he and Grant would be too strong. "I figured you'd want Phillip gone". "I do, but I'm more interested in preserving you, me and Natalie." Rob thinks it over and doesn't like her plan. He tells Grant she wants him gone. They decide one of them has to win immunity. 'If Ashley doesn't win immunity, she's gone". Grant, Phillip and Rob get together and discuss Ashley's ride coming to an end. Natalie tells Rob, "it's gonna be hard to get rid of Ashley". Rob is even more paranoid about that duo. And, by that I mean TWO OF THEM.

Immunity Challenge. Jeff is in light blue. WOW, it's a puzzle challenge. Use fish hooks to make a fish puzzle, with one hand tied behind their back. Seriously, they need to hire some new challenge people, ones that don't work at Fisher Price. Wanna know what you're playing for? Immunity and a 3 course meal delivered to the camp.

Grant gets off to a big start, as do the other men. Digging their puzzle pieces up. The ladies are lagging. But Ashley kicks ass and pulls up to the boys. She then surpasses them and wins immunity. Who do you want to share the feast with? Natalie of course.

Back at camp, Ashley's happy but not Rob. "The thing I didn't want to happen, happens. Sorry Grant, you're done". Rob says he always has to do the dirty work, so he checks with Ashley and Natalie, yes Grant. He tells Phillip it's Grant, but that he's telling Grant it's Phillip. Then he goes to Grant and asks his opinion, which is meaningless. Grant goes on and on and on discussing the options before deciding on Natalie. Then he makes his swan song "When you look somebody in the eyes and shake their hand, you kind of get a vibe from that person and I get a good one from Rob. And we’re sticking to our alliance" .

I totally can't figure out how Rob is going to win by blindsiding everyone! Room service arrives and the ladies chow down on pizza, nachos, fettuccini alfredo, chocolate cake, cheesecake and ice cream. Seriously, you'd have to puke if that was the first thing you have eating in 30 days. Rob is worried about how close they are, as Ashley talks to Natalie about getting whoever comes back from Resurrection Island on their side. Natalie tells Rob, and admits she's wondering which way to go. Rob talks her off the ledge.
 
Tribal. About the only thing interesting is that JEFF IS IN DARK BLUE!! Otherwise, Grant is voted off the Island

Survivor: Religious Experience

Yo yo yo! Is anyone else thinking this season is gonna come down to a laser tag bout between Resurrection Island and Ometepe? God I hope not. And, apparently GOD is all over Survivor this season.

Ok, so Ralph arrives at Resurrection Island, tells them Steve isn't doing well and has lost 40 lbs. Then Steve arrives. He does look like shit. Soooooo, the Jury is all Zepetera (or whatever it was), so if any of them manage to get back in the game and make it to the final 3 or 4, they would have the jury on their side.

Andrea is happy it's Ometepe only, because, well frankly, she's an idiot. Natalie on the other hand cries, missing everyone. Per Rob, Natalie is mature beyond her years but is still only 19. Rob wants to keep everyone happy so they don't figure out it would be wise to get rid of him. Anyone else find themselves yelling at the tv-WHY DON'T YOU IDIOTS WONDER WHERE THE IDOL IS???" God, they are all ridiculously stupid.

Tree mail: it's a total product placement for SPRINT. And, the EPIC 4G SPRINT phone at that. It's an invite to resurrection island for the duel (or 4 people) and home videos. They all watch and get all emotional. They get a phone at Resurrection too. After trying to call Baby Jesus, they realize it's an incoming phone only, and they get home videos too.

Duel of 4. Jeff is resplendent in light blue. The winner of the duel gets to see there loved one. Oh, and it's yet another game of toss a ball and break a tile. Yea, I got up to get yet another drink and Mike had won. Steve lost, and I really think he intentionally lost to get a meal. Mike gets to see his mom Jane, who comes out. Or DOES HE GET TO SEE HER??? He has a choice. He can forgo his visit with him mom and give the family visits to Ralph and Matt,OR he can let the Ometepe remnants get to see their family members. Ooooooh. Drama. Mike say, "I was just reading the bible this morning and it talked about giving the most good to the most people, so I'll give the loved one visits to the people who freaking stabbed me in the back, in hopes that they might give me a vote".

Back at Resurrection, Ralph thinks he's an idiot. He ain't going along with this gods plan thing. (Note: Do starving people become more religious? Talk amongst yourselves).

Camp visit. Phillip tells his sister "it's a social game. I'll go crazy if I have to". Hmmmmm. Rob is all teary eyed at seeing his sister and says, "I have to win for my wife and kids". Wait, did he and Amber blow through that first million like trailer park lotto winners??

Tree mail: Immunity challenge. Rob "Andrea can't win tonight".

Challenge: it's a miserable build stadium steps thingy. Seriously, it looks like hell to me. Rob is dying but manages to win, whereupon he collapses and has leg cramps, needs water and is generally dying. Hmmmm, faking it?? I actually don't think so. He was really trying to kick Andrea's ass. Phillip wasn't even working it.

They all decide it's Andrea but they tell her it's Phillip. Phillip then runs around being a total asshole. He explains it's his strategy-to be the crazy villain so periodically he has to remind them all what an ahole he is so they keep him. He says he has his oral argument speech all ready. Rob, on the other hand, is starting to have second thoughts. Is Phillip playing me??

Tribal. Jeff my darling is in Dark Blue. He so reads my blog.

Andrea: are you concerned? No. I feel confident. LOL, famous last words.
Natalie-is it exciting to be just one tribe now? It's totally different and not really that much fun.
Andrea: You're very competitive, are you a threat?? HELLLOOOOO ANDREA, WAKE UP AND SMELL THE PROBSTING. No, we need a really strong tribe with someone coming back from Resurrection Island.
Phillip: Is it possible to make it to the end if you are truthful?? Hey, Jeff, shut your yap I got these people on the run. "I'm the senior statesman...no one fells secure".

Someone is about to be blindsided.
Vote.

Phillip gets one vote and Andrea is sent to Resurrection Island. Hope she's brushed up on her bible stories.

Survivor Update: And Now the Cannibalism Begins...

Yo! They are flinging people off at a fast clip! Redemption Island is getting crowded. I still say last man (or woman) left on Redemption comes back for the final vote.

So, Steve apologizes to Phillip after tribal. Phil ain't buying it. Rob "as long as Phillip keeps up the stupid antics, he'll be coming with me to the finale". Uhuh. Falling right into Phillip's trap...

Steve, the apologizer, asks "where's numb nuts" referring to Phillip. LOL. Love that expression,. Cue Phillip who is up and about in his pink panties, saying his grandfather came to him in a dream and told him to "look for your shorts near the waterhole". Damn if he doesn't find them! "Don't mess with the undercover specialist." He parades around camp. Steve: "Phillip is a crazy-freaking lunatic". Phillip can't WAIT to wear his swim trunks to the redemption challenge. I'd say, "and rub them in Julie's face" but that is just a nasty thought.

Redemption: Julie slept well. Mike thinks Matt is in a downward spiral since getting sent back to redemption. Matt: "I'm wasting away, I miss my family. God has me here for a reason. Sniff sniff, God has been carrying me....I'm over this game".

Matt, matt, matt. The name of this game is Survivor, not Savior. Let's leave the Lord out of reality TV, shall we??

Ok, so Jeff announces the Duel at redemption...it;s a duel with 3 people. Um, no. In fact a duel is a fight between 2 people honeybuns. You're cute as hell but really, not that smart. It would be a triul.

Dr. Jeff is all spiritual today. "Matt, where you at? Are you ready to go home?" Matt: I'm at peace. I think I'm ready to go home and do God's work." Don't let the cross hit you on the ass on the way out, dude.
It's a shuffleboard-off. Mike says he's a shuffleboard king, plays on a league at home. LOL. During the shuffleboard-off, Andrea gives him the look. Ya know the, "ok ok I voted you off twice but I'd still do ya" look. Matt ignores her. Ooooh, Snap!

Julie sucks at shuffleboard and, in fact, Mike is quite good at it, However Jesus gives Matt extra powers right when he needs it (wait, did Jesus pick Matt in the pool??) and he comes from behind to win. Julie is gone.

Back at camp, like, Andrea? Like she tooootally like thinks Matt?? Is like, mad at her? And, like, she feels kinda bad about it but, like really, it's just a game".

Rob and Grant chat. OK, Grant is totally flying under the radar and I cannot believe he is still there. He is gonna turn it on in the challenges pretty soon. Anyway, they both think Andrea should go first chance it comes up. But when...

Immunity challenge, and Dimples is in dark blue. Hot. The challenge is a log roll. Winner gets a chocolate cake and milk. Plus, THERE IS ANOTHER TWIST!.

Here's how it goes: 1) Grant beats Rob, 2) Ashley beats Andrea, 3) Ralph beats Steve surprisingly... and 4) Phillip beats Natalie
Round 2 Semi finals: Grant beats Ashely, Ralph beats Phillip. That sasquatch is a pretty good log roller, although that is what they do out there in the kountry on Saturday nights. Trust me on that one...

Finally....... Grant beats Ralph in a very close round. He gets to chose one person to eat cake with him. Chooses Rob. And, pick another one! He chooses Andrea to reel her in. Jeff gives Steve a package to bring to tribal.

Ooooh, what's the twist?? The package feels like a packet of cards...Andrea: "It would be silly to get rid of our own people". LOL. That cake sure worked on her. Sasquatch gives a 5 minute speech, of which I recognized about 3 words. Steve thinks he's going although he thinks Ralph is a bigger threat since he's still trying. He pushes this a little...

Rob talks to the other girls. He tells them it's Ralph first because Steve has given up, then Andrea. Steve tells the girls he and sasquatch are voting for Rob and if the girls join them they could flip the game. Of course they run back and tell Rob this who gets pissed and realizes that in fact Steve might be a bigger threat...has to change his plan perhaps... They are now all thinking there is going to be 2 votes tonight. Hence the multiple vote plans.

Tribal, dark blue darling.

Rob: Is it between Steve or Ralph? Yep
Steve: They're unbreakable, we've tried.
Andrea: Does Steve make a good point? Yes, I feel safe.
Ralph: Odds are you or Steve...Probably me.
Steve: Yep, probably Ralph, I'm lame...
Grant: Dude's not a quitter...
Phillip: Yep, he's not really that feeble...
Steve: Don't trust Rob people. It's now or never...remember Rob was a traitor in Survivor All Stars...
Jeff tells the story of Rob stabbing people in order to help Amber, his GF
Rob: That's hard to deny but, I still have a history with Amber today!
Steve: LET'S DO IT!!!

Vote. No idol played. Ralph is voted off, starts to leave without his torch for redemption.

And now the twist...You will now compete for another immunity and vote someone off immediately.

It's a card matching thing. Jeff does a series of cards and then asks for them back in order.

Rob wins immunity, and Steve is the next person sent to Redemption.

Survivor Update: Craftsman Tool Promotional Episode

Sooo, Russell shuffles off to Redemption Island. "My whole tribe lost the challenge to get rid of me...Liars. Matt's a rookie, Ima take him out." Idiot Matt: "Russell, you're my favorite person". Russell: "Ima take it from him...my entire tribe is gonna come here. Ima gonna make them sleep out in the mud". Show of hands, who wants to work for Russell in the real world?? LIttle men with little dicks have little brains. (Bumper stickers ARE available).


On O: Phillip is sweeping. Rob: "He's weird. Who goes on Survivor wearing pink tighty whiteys with his stuff flipping out?" Phillip: "These kids don't understand me. I'm disadvantaged by the social game. I gotta show another side". LOL. I doubt he has another side.

On Z: Stephanie and Krista are stuck with "goobers" and are laying out on the beach. Ralph, back at camp away from these two tells the other 6 that he has the idol. "I got them captured to take me farther in the game".

Who wants to go witness the duel on Redemption?? Phillip and Kristina want to go. Phillip: "With my government background I can read the situation and get some good intel". For Z, Sarita and Ralph go.

Duel: Good VS Evil. Jeff is in medium blue. It's a domino challenge. Damn, I was really hoping for a spirograph-off.

Matt finished laying his dominoes first, He falls short and has to restack. Russell gives his a try and misses. It's a restacking race. And...Matt wins!!! Oh GLORY BE TO THE GOD OF DOMINOES. The pizza AND the puzzles.

Russell goes home. Ahhhhhh. He cries. "It's hard to be a professional quarterback with peewees on the team". Ralph takes offense at Russell’s remarks says, "I found the idol in 15 seconds". Sarita tells him "Don't do it" under her breath. He then says he faked it. Hmmm, lie or not? Russell is pleased that Ralph spilled the beans about his idol in front of everyone and asks Ralph to show him the idol. He refuses but CIA man, Phillip believes he has the idol. Russell gets in his final dig: "See Jeff, I get to remain in the game through Phillip and Kristina".

O: Rob declares it a beach day, because he wants time to look for the idol. He makes up a game called Royal Treatment. Then he tells everyone he's constipated to explain his long absences. About the time they ask, "Where's Rob??" he finds the idol.

Z: "Matt won". Ding Dong. Russell is gone, but Stephanie and Kristina are still team Russell.

O: Phillip tells Kristina not tell anyone that Ralph has the idol. She thinks he's a big wind bag. "I'm gonna let him dig his own grave".

Phillip pulls Rob and Grant aside, tells him he knows who on Z has the idol and what the alliances are. "Is that valuable enough information to keep Kristina in the game?" Rob is pissed. "Hey dumb ass, aren’t you in my alliance? Don’t you work for me?” Rob agrees to Phillip's face, and Phillip spills all. Rob and Grant realize he's untrustworthy and needs to go.

Tree mail. Teamwork and ruggedness, Trust. Julie: We need to win this challenge. Karma is against us.

Challenge. Jeff is in dark blue. It's a total CRAFTSMAN (co-marketing ding ding ding) tool use challenge. Build shit, and nail nails. It's also another clay tile discrimination challenge. Here's the actual instructions: "Both tribes will make their way over a balance beam where they will use a crow bar to open a crate and retrieve a shovel. The shovel will be then be used to dig to find an axe, which will be used to chop a log that will release a rope holding two saws. The saws will be used to cut through a wall releasing planks. The planks will be used to complete a ramp that will get the entire tribe to the top of a platform where they must hammer three nails to break three tiles. The final step is to put the toolbox containing all the tools used in the challenge on top of the table on the platform." Yes, it's the Shop Class final. Wanna know what you're playing for?? A Sears BBQ set and food.

Screw it, Team Z wins immunity due to Sasquatch's nailing skills. The get the food. Mike, the Iraq vet: "I'm so hungry I haven't thought about sex in 2 weeks". Ladies, now we know how to get out of sex. STOP COOKING!!. Ralph is sucking stuff out of his nails. GROSS ME THE HELL OUT.

Phillip calls a pre-tribal meeting. "I thought we did good. Anyone got anything they want to discuss??" Crickets.

Phillip is a total pain in the ass. The women all hate him. Kristina sees an opening and trash talks him. Kristina talks to Natalie. Says, "there must have been a clue when we won reward so someone must have the idol by now". This surprises Natalie, that Kristina is no longer looking for the clue. Natalie talks to Rob, who is glad they don't suspect him. "Hmm, does she maybe have it??" He thinks that even though Phillip is annoying as hell, Kristina is dangerous. "Let's send her home, but split the vote just in case she has the idol".

Ashley and Grant take a walk, Ashley vents about Phillip. Grant agrees he is a total lose cannon. He talks to Rob but Rob still thinks Kristina needs to go first. "I just hope these people stay in line". Phillip talks to Rob. Rob tells him Kristina, which pissed Phillip off. He thinks Rob is not a man of his word and "I need to be prepared to make my move".

Tribal. Medium Blue. Meh.

Kristina, are you on the hotseat? Yes. I started off on the wrong side of the numbers. Hopes for a second chance.
Natalie: Second chances are great
Grant: People can get a second chance
Rob: Is it too late?
Kristina thinks people should vote the most disruptive person off
Phillip: I'm a doer. Kristina is disruptive
It's obviously Kristina vs Phillip.
Phillip goes on a rant. I have a tribe history. Says some shit about a Shephard Stamp, a dead mom...a medal...some shit. I'm better than Kristina.
Kristina: I'm a valuable member, smart and trustworthy.

She's also the next person voted off Survivor and onto Redemption Island.

Survivor Update: Ding Dong the Witch is Dead...Maybe

Soooo, we finally get to see some action at Redemption Island. Matt shows up, with none of his stuff since he was so damn sure it wasn't gonna be him. Francesca: "Dude, what the hell are you doing here?? Why wasn't it Phillip??" "Rob is a scoundrel."


Back on O, Rob is all happy. Phillip was a good soldier and Kristina used her idol. "Phillip, you're now in the alliance". "Tomorrow I have to get Andrea back on our side..."

Redemption tree mail: Follow the path to the arena for a duel. Loser goes home for good. On Z and O, the get messages that each tribe can send 2 representatives, chosen by colored marbles. For Z, it's Steve and Dave. For, O it's Ashley and Andrea. Rob's not happy with Andrea getting to see Matt.

Redemption Duel: Jeff is in dark blue. Andrea yells out, "I didn't vote for either of you two". It's an old challenge. They're behind a "wall" of cheap Home Depot bamboo sticks, and they have to build a a pole to get 3 keys and open 3 locks.

Francesca gets her pole going really fast and gets key #1. Matt's stick falls apart. Francesca gets key #2, Matt's stick falls apart. Francesca's stick isn't long enough to get the last key and it falls apart. Matt gets his shit together and gets key 1 and 2. One key left for each of them, and Matt wins. Matt stays alive and Francesca is the first person off this season.

The girls return to O camp telling them that Matt is really pissed off, but they didn't get to talk to him.

Rob talks to Andrea. "I'm sorry...It wasn't just me, 4 people did it. You're still in our alliance". Andrea: "It's smart for me to stay part of the alliance but I don't trust them....(she cries) they sent my only friend away". Oh jeebus.

Over on Z: "The black chick won and the blonde kid left". They want Russell to think he has to fight "the black chick" so he's surprised when he gets there an it's Matt.

Russell: It's 6-3, I gotta find the idol. Ralph, aka Sasquatch is watching him look. "This is not Russell's game no more".

They can't find the idol, so Stephanie suggests they make a fake one and pretend she has it in her bag. She's all acting like her bag is suddenly filled with gold bars, and Steve notices. Russell: "I tell them what to do and they do it for me". Ugh.

Ok, WTF. Apparently prior to Survivor Russell shaved his armpits and now he has a big old rash. God I hope he shaved his balls too. "He's just sitting in his tent all day with his concubines". Great line!! Steve wants him gone. "Would it make sense to throw a challenge and get rid of him?? Most people are good with that but Julie is torn. What if O starts getting on a roll and they just gave up a person? Steve: "If I give a thumbs up, we're throwing the challenge". Usually I am totally against this, but not this season!!

Challenge: Jeff is in Light Blue. It's the waterboarding challenge again. 3 people are strapped to a wheel, they are rotated into water where they fill up their mouths and then spit in a funnel. Once it fills up, they do a puzzle on the atrocities at Abu Graib. Wanna know what you're playing for?? Chairs, pillows, blankets, lanterns...and immunity. Z decides to throw it. Sarita and Sasquatch sit out, and Julie is not happy.

O gets to the puzzle first. You have to build a maze and run a ball through. Rob is the puzzle master. David is doing the puzzle for Z, or rather he is just staring at it like it's too hard for him to even begin it. Rob wins.

Russell: "If I didn't know any better I'd think they threw the challenge. I'm dealing with a bunch of bitches".

O. Rob thinks there is probably a clue to a re hidden idol somewhere on the new stuff. Everyone is looking for it. He looks at one of the chairs but then sees Phillip napping in the other one. "Dude, you're breaking the chair with your fat ass...get up". Phillip moves to the first chair and Rob finds the clue. "Let me go put a new screw in this chair..." Phillip just keeps napping. It's a real vague clue.

Z: Julie wants to know what the plan is. We split the votes 3-3 between Russell and Stephanie. Russell tells his concubines it is stupid to throw a challenge. They need to flip someone. He sends Stephanie to talk to Julie. Julie says, "I'd like my chances better with someone who has been here before..." Russell tells her, "I got your back. They pick Ralph to vote off. "This would be the biggest move ever".

Tribal-Jeff is in Dark Blue. YES. Be right there darling!! I'll bring the quarters for the magic fingers bed!

Ralph: Fist time at tribal? It's good and bad. There are 2 teams on our tribe
Steve: 6 solid, and 3 not solid
Sarita: I think the problem is Russell and his legacy. He came in and gave a fancy speech that he has changed, and it's not the case.
Russell: I'm not playing that game. It felt like people threw the challenge today
Mike: It's true, we didn't go 100% today. We've got some fat to trim.
Julie: I'd rather we merge with the numbers
Stephanie is just a bitch. "The majority of the tribe forget that Russell is important"
Steve: We did not throw the challenge.
On and on. Stephanie is just a crazy nasty bitch!!

They vote. What will Julie do??? She comes through and it's a 3 way tie. No idol. They revote. Russell is voted off!! Yay!!!

"I'll be back...be ready"
Stephanie to Julie: "The storms a coming."


Russell: "I'm pissed. I wanted to bitch slap every one of them".

Getting good!!!

Suirvivor Redemption: Week 2

Sooo, Francesca gets to Redemption Island. It's sparse.  Only rice and water.  She's running around with a lamp in her hand trying over and over again to make a fire.  Um, is that a battery operated lamp in your hand??

Tribe O.  Wow, was that a wild tribal council or what??  Kristina thinks, "that didn't go well...".  Ya think? 

Rob: Kristina and Phillip were lying.  Phillip tries to kiss Rob's ass, "you'll have my vote for the rest of the time I'm here".  Rob thinks he's delusional.  "Government jobs are apparently really stressful". 

Rob to the rest of the tribe: "We're a 6 member alliance.  Phillip has to go but let's win some challenges before we let him go." 

Phillip is out crab hunting with a big sharp spear.  He's crouching and darting through the jungle, in his red underwear which I am sure is terrifying for the crabs.  Everyone else is watching him and laughing.   Now he's literally crying about being a federal agent and Francesca doubting his trustworthiness.  Seriously, can someone check out his file and see why he is NO LONGER a fed? 

Tribe Z.  Russell thinks Ralph is the dumbest survivor ever.  He also needs another dumb girl for his harem.  He chooses Kristen and Stephanie, then talks them into looking for the idol with him.  2 other tribe members are watching the whole thing.  Ralph's out collecting rocks for...I dunno.  He stumbles over the idol.  LOL.  "That was as simple as wiping your hiney with toilet paper". 

O.  Are Matt and Andrea  hooking up?  Rob is all over that.  She's gonna walk her puppy dog all over this island.  Take it from me...  I gotta break this up.  Rob talks to Natalie- he wants to be sitting next to her at the end.  Tells  her Andrea or Matt, one of them are next. 

Challenge: Jeff is in a disappointing light blue.  Phillip mouths off about outlasting anyone.  Uhuh. 

The challenge is a little pool.  Swim to a platform, smash a tile and get a key.  Collect all keys, open a box, get a bean bag and play bean bag tile smash.  Wanna know what you're playing for?  Immunity and fishing gear. 

Ok, the swim thing is lame as shit, and ends up pretty much a tie.  Both teams have their bean bags.  It's Ralph vs Phillip for the toss.  Phillip gets  his first one.  Ralph gets one.  Phillip misses, Ralph gets his tile.  Repeat 3x.  It's 4 to 1 Ralph.  Phillip picks it up and it's tie.  Ralph and team Z win immunity. 

Z: Russell grabs the basket of fishing gear because he thinks it holds a clue, which it does and which he finds.  Ralph sees Russell find the clue and spills the beans.  Sarita tells Mike about the clue.  Russell shows his female vampires the clue.  Ralph confronts Russell about the clue.  Russell says he doesn't have the clue, and "I'm not liking how your coming at me".  OMG, can I just comment on Ralph without a shirt?  Hairiest mother I have ever seen. 

And now for Redemption Island...Francesca gets her luxury item, which is a journal. 

O: Phillip wants to give a speech.  "I thought you all performed gallantly.  I wish I had performed my best.  I will leave it up to the tribe to decide my fate".  OMG, he is so damn annoying.  Rob: "Phillip, you did good.  We win and lose as a team".   Matt, however, congratulated the other team on their win, which is SO NOT WITH THE SURVIVOR PROTOCOL.  Totally pissed Rob off. 

Kristina asks Phillip if he's worried.  "No, I am a strong man".  She's playing the idol. 

Rob and the team.  Rob wants Andrea or Matt gone.  Grant argues for Matt.  4 people are for Matt.  They tell Andrea they are splitting the vote.  "Matt is playing textbook survivor, but he's playing with me". 

They all talk, "split the votes between Kristina and Phillip".  But the real vote is 4 for Matt.  Phillip asks Rob who to vote for.  "I don't know yet".  Matt: "Everyday Rob impresses me".  LOL, you're about to be impressed over to Redemption Island. 

Rob and Phillip take a walk.  "You have to behave this week at tribal, Phillip.  I will put my right hand on the person who is going at tribal, and you vote for that person".  They do the man hug. 

Tribal, Jeff is in dark blue. 

Phillip, does this game bring out the animal in people?  He spews some crazy shit about the gorilla and the lion.

Rob: Phillip is a good competitor and he takes the loss hard. 

Matt: Phillips admitted he should be voted out but it's tough to vote for someone after 1 mistake.

Phillip: When I get to redemption, I will meet my nemesis, Franchesqua.

Matt, is redemption the big deal our high paid marketing group came up with?  "Um, sure, sure, Jeff.  Especially with the added surprise of how many people come back and when". 

It starts to rain, and a BIG crack of thunder just as Rob puts his hand on Kristina's shoulder. 

Vote.

Anyone have an idol, and not stupid enough to not use it?  Kristina plays the idol. 

Kristina 2 votes, Phillip 2 votes, and Matt gets 4.  Ashley is totally confused.

Well, tribe, your first Vicious blindside!! 

Survivor Redemption Island: Crazy Time Already!!

Oh man, that was the best week one show I have ever watched!! Let's let the crazy out of the bag on day one, shall we?

Helicopters arrive and drop off the Survivors. And then....another helicopter. Out steps Rob and Russell. Together Jeff tells us they have 156 days if experience playing Survivor. I think they need real jobs...

Francesca is not happy. They are trouble makers, sizing us up. They draw for teams and Rob gets the O team, Russell the Z team. Yea, the team names are longer but I don't feel like looking them up right now.

Here's the new thang this year. When you are voted off you go to redemption island and live alone. The next loser joins you there and you square off in a "duel". The remaining person will be able to reenter the game at some point. Russell thinks redemption is gonna be a vacation. I think Russell will be there shortly.

The X team. Russell is already an asshole. Apparently CRAFTSMAN tools are a sponsor because for the first time ever the Survivors get nails and hammers and stuff. WTF??

On O, Rob's all helpful. Matt calls it camp harmony. Phillip is very pushy and A FORMER FEDERAL AGENT. You will hear those words 500 times. Francesca doesn't like him. Phillip calls them over and announces he's a FORMER FEDERAL AGENT, and is an expert at analyzing people which will be GREAT when they merge. He also has 7 sisters. Not sure what that comment means, maybe he's willing to rent them out. Francesca doesn't care.

Kristina wonders why nobody is looking for an idol? She goes out looking and Rob totally busts her doing it.

Phillip is trying to suck up to Rob, forming a "he male alliance". Phillip and Kristina talk. "Rob is going to try to divide and conquer and play me like a fool. We can work together."

X: Russell as usually sucks right up to the young cute blonde. They go looking for tree mail together and he is hitting on her already. He forms a secret alliance with her. Mike, David and someone else see Russell talking to Stephanie. They want Russell gone ASAP.

O: Kristen doesn't want Rob to stay but everyone else likes him. WHY would you want to get rid of someone with so much experience who you KNOW will never win the game? She is a control freak and thinks he will take control away from her. Kristen takes a shovel (they get shovels too?? christ, how about cable and a mini Kenmore Elite refrigerator??) and goes looking for the idol. She finds it right away. She is Russell's long lost daughter. She re hides the idol.

OMFG. Phillip is wearing red BVDs. I kid you not. Now I believe we know why he is a FORMER federal agent. Things haven't been as much fun since Hoover left. He's standing in his underwear giving attitude to Kristen and Francesca. Total idiot. Let me also point out that his red package DOES NOT NEED PIXELATION, as it is not visible. Even in HD. How do you argue with someone in red underwear?? Wonder what he washed his white load with to ruin it all.

Challenge. My dimpled darling is in dark blue. Ahhhhhhhhh. Each tribe will push four blocks along a track to build the base of a temple. They will then run up the steps where one person will use an ax to chop a series of ropes releasing another set of steps. They’ll then make their way to the top where they will race to solve a block puzzle, which will complete their temple.

O sucks at this. Z gets their stairs done first, gets their puzzle and has a big lead. Russell is calling the shots. For O, Matt cannot chop the ropes. He's pathetic. Finally. Rob is the puzzle master but he can't overcome Z's lead. Z wins immunity. Ashley: "We let Rob down".
Back at camp, all hell starts breaking out. Kristina tells Francesca she has the idol. Let's talk them all into voting for me and then we blindside Rob. Francesca thinks they still need him. Everyone will be pissed if we get rid of Rob. She wants to get rid of Natalie. Kristina admits, “Voting Natalie is better for the tribe. Voting Rob is better for me.

Rob knows Kristina was looking for the idol. He calls everyone except Kristen, Francesca and Phillip together and tells them about her looking for the idol. They decide to split their votes between Kristen and Francesca and flush out the idol. They all agree.

Kristen and Francesca approach Phillip with their plan. He doesn't see how the 3 of them voting for Rob is gonna work, so she shows him the idol. He agrees with her plan because he wants Rob out so he can be the new tribe leader.

Tribal. They all get fire. Fire = Life in this game. I think I will get a Fire = Life tattoo. Who's with me? Won't Jeff be surprised when he finds THAT!
Rob tells Jeff that his tribe got right to work when they first arrived at camp to build a good shelter. He credits Phillip in setting the tone of hard work for everyone. Jeff asks Phillip if he assumed the leadership role. Phillip replies, “Not necessarily the leadership role, but if I see work that needs to be done, I’ll suggest it.” Francesca rolls her eyes at Phillip’s response.

Matt, Is Phillip the leader? He calls people out, and that's not that well received
Francesca: We need to keep this tribe strong
Kristina: I don't feel safe
Rob-are the men safe? "I don't feel safe"
Jeff asks Francesca about redemption island. "it makes the game more complex. Like if Rob gets voted out tonight...NOT THAT HE'S GOING TO...but he could come back.
Phillip calls her out on that. Francesca and he go at it, she telling him that she "never told him to vote for Rob". Kristina calls Phillip unstable and he tells everyone her whole plan, including the fact that she has the idol.
Jeff: Who is that news to?
Rob: "um, ME". They don't deny having the idol. Rob wants to see it. "Give me the idol tonight and you will get to stay". Nope.

Time to vote. Anyone have the idol and want to use it? Nope.

Kristen gets 3 votes, Phillip gets 2 and Francesca is the first occupant of Redemption Island.