Oh, yea, it’s overnight shag week! Jake gets to sample the goods, if the Ho’s are willing! Unlike other seasons, the all go to the same Island. Jake is falling in lurve with all 3 women, or so he says. In fact, this is the ALL TIME, MOST DRAMATIC USAGE OF THE TERM FALLING IN LOVE episode in bachelor history.
He starts out rehashing how he feels about all 3. “Gia and I’s chemistry is electric” (grammar anyone?); “I would have a blessed life with Tenley”; and “Vienna is the center of all the drama but our connection is undeniable. We can mature together”.
Oh! Let’s check in on loser Allie!! Awww, she’s miserable and broken hearted…and it’s been like a whole week? She can’t work or sleep and she needs to tell Jake how she feels. They’re gonna milk this the entire show.
Gia date is on Pidgeon Island. Gia:” Evwything is perfwect with Jake”. They climb up some lookout, and then climb back down and take a little tiny boat to a local market. They drink coconut drinks, listen to some Reggae, which thrills Jake cause it means that Gia is not just a snobby New Yorker. They listen to the music and do this really strange crotch rubbing dance. Afterwards Jake buys her a cheap necklace. She loves it but for some reason wants to wear it on her wrist. They go swimming, and make out at sunset.
Dinner is on the beach. She is wearing some silver rhinestone headband thing. “I’m never taking the necklace off my wrist”. Uhuh, as soon as he sends her home that trinket is going to go into the breakup fire with the dried up roses.
He tells her he likes her because she is deep. LMAO. She wants to know about him. “I put others above myself”. Seriously, isn’t that one of those stupid answers you are supposed to give when you are asked what your greatest fault is?? She thinks he’s deep too, because he knows what he wants and can express it.
Jake says, “I feel what I need to feel on this date”. Such a strange answer, like he was given the bachelor guide to the universe with a weekly script of emotions.
Oh, the Chris Harrison “Get a free shag card” arrives! Of course they take it. Gia goes on and freakin on about how she wants to tell him she loves him (mainly because that is in the bachelorette guide to the universe booklet she was provided). They go to the suite, and there is a trail of clothes leading to the bubble bath. “That was the most romantic part of the date”. Which means it wasn’t that romantic.
Tenley date. Waiting for Tenley, Jake has to repeat the Tenley mantra of “family, and values, and family values”. He takes her flying in a helicopter, but he is not the pilot. They land and have a picnic in the rain forest. In between the endless divorce and ex husband talk, she asks Jake how he will pursue her in the real world. He tells her they can always jump in a plane and fly somewhere exotic, because it’s free. Tenley “I can totally see us together forever and ever”. She feels PASSION again, after the DIVORCE. They swim. Apparently swimming at sunset is his thing.
Dinner is at poolside. She is obsessed with what she is going to do with the shag card, BECAUSE SHE HAS ONLY SLEPT WITH ONE MAN IN HER LIFE. Get over yourself. She says she is happy that he is giving her a chance given her checkered past. Um, Vienna is also divorced but seems to not have any issues with that. After dinner he asks her to dance, and she has to let him lead. She’s FALLING IN LURVE. In fact, she says this about 100 times. He’s FALLING IN LURVE too. Hmmm, maybe I’ve been married too long but I really don’t remember it taking so freaking long to FALL IN LURVE.
Jake reads the shag note. Given all the mental drama about the note, you’d have thought Tenley would at least pretend to think it over. She’s all, let’s go! This suite has a private pool. I’m starting to think Jake was once told you can’t get a girl pregnant if you do her in the water. They sit and eat dessert, and discuss values and morals, values and morals, valuesmorals. Then they get into the pool and make out. See kids, it’s OK if you have sex before marriage IF you feel kinda bad about it.
Vienna date. She keeps calling him sweetheart and honey and it is annoying. They take out the boat from the Pirates of the Caribbean. They are playful. They are so playful that Jake has to repeat that they are playful 10 times. She makes him wear an eye patch and give a toast. He makes her walk the plank (in a green ruffled bottom bikini) by holding a plastic sword at her back. It’s playful, y’all. “Vienna and I have a natural affection for each other”. “Vienna is so nurturing”. LOL, that is a joke. Another sunset ocean makeout thing. They both are FALLING IN LURVE.
Dinner is in a gazebo. She wants to wait to have kids. Ok. Jake is trying to figure out if it’s just a sex thing between them. She says she wants a life partner. A best friend. An only friend is more like it. Jake asks her “what kind of ring do you like?” I’m totally hoping he asked everyone else this. She, of course, rattles off exactly what she wants. She asks him “could you see me as your wife”. “You wouldn’t be here if I didn’t”. BUT, there are 2 other women and “I am FALLING IN LURVE with them too. Oh for Christ sake. She lays it on thick about how much she is in lurve with him, then she cries. Working it, baby!!
He pulls out the shag card. Of course this Ho takes it. The go to the room, and she gets up and changes into lingerie, with no underwear I am sure. They kiss on the bed and she gets up and closes the door. Ugh.
Just when you thought this episode couldn’t get any more DRAMATIC, what with all the falling in lurve going on, Allie calls. Seriously, this is like the quintessential late at night, half a bottle of wine, please take me back desperate call. She tells him she made the wrong choice and wants to come back. Looooooonnnnnnggggg silence.
Jake:” I’m just trying to process this”. How freakin lame is THAT??? Ladies, this is when you say, “oh, I must have the wrong number" and hang up. It is the most fake, awkward conversation on bachelor history. I really think they paid her to make the call. He tells her, “you missed a critical WEEK on the show”. Seriously?? If she was the one would that friggin matter? HANG UP HANG UP HANG UP.
She is begging and he’s avoiding answering her. “I WAS falling in lurve with you but after you left, I fell in lurve with the other women while you were gone”. By the way, Jake does not know how to hold a phone receiver and have a conversation. It’s weird. He holds the ear thing away from his ear and just talks into the mouth part.
“Thanks for the call”. UGH. She’s a big hot mess now.
Finally, it’s rose ceremony night. But first, since there really is so little material to work with this week, and it’s a 2 hour show, we have to rehash the 3 dates with Chris. I fast forwarded past this. Then he gets to watch videos the women made for him. Tenley’s is all about falling in lurve again, just in case he forgot she is damaged goods. Gia’s is totally boring about how incredible he is and the obligatory “I am falling for you” line. Vienna is all, “hi sweetheart”. She is now completely in lurve with him and can’t wait to be his wife. Oh, man, I hope she hasn’t peaked too soon and will be falling OUT OF LURVE with him at any minute.
2 roses tonight. Tenley and…….Vienna. Damn.
He walks Gia out, and they sit on a bench to talk. She is a total sweaty mess.
NOTE: THIS WEEK’S SHOW IS THE WOMEN BITCH FEST, WHICH I ASSUME MAKES NEXT MONDAY THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY. I will be in Italy and will miss the final episode. Doh!!! Who wants to do the write up for me?
Vienna-Donna
Tenley-Cindy R
Off to the herpes clinic
Gia-Karen
Ali-Tess
Corrie-Betty
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Ella-Lori M
Catherine-Greta
Valecia-Lori K
Crazy Michelle-Irene
Elzabeth-Elayne
Ashley-Sara
Christina-Stephanie
Slutty Spice-Wendy
Showing posts with label Bachelor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bachelor. Show all posts
Monday, February 22, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Bachelor Update: Wait, these Ho's have jobs??
Hometown night! Meet the Fockers! Cannot wait to see what all American stock these freak-ettes come from!
First up, NYC and Gia. Ok, what the hell is with her and the jump up on him and wrap her legs around his waist thing? I mean, jesus, when my dog does that she gets smacked with the newspaper. They take a boat twip, "This is where I'm fwom, Jake!"
"I'm falling for Gia too" yawn. They pose, drink, and take pictures of each other. Uhuh, the nude shots will be appearing on the internet in about another week.
Funniest line contender #1: "When I kiss Gia I get into it. I get a burning desire to.....know her heart". hahahhahahahah
Oh for god sake, he brings up her past relationships. Seriously, I think he is waiting for one of these girls to ask him if he wants to watch her fool around with her old boyfriend. It's creepy. She has to do the rundown of all of the Tony Sopranos she's dated in her life. "She's been hurt before". Yea, Jake, she is over the age of 13.
Meet the parents, and since it is NYC they meet in a restaurant. Mom, stepfather Tony (no shit), brother and maybe a stepbrother. Dunno. I couldn't get past how freakish the brother looked. Like, a baby chicken that just popped out of the egg all wet and geeky. Mom is in a dress that is way too short. She takes Jake aside. "You are dating 4 girls, are you in love with all 4 girls?" "What makes my Gia special? Jake: "She has a way about her". Hmmm, that would make a good song lyric.
The baby chicken brother, Erik, doesn't want to see her hurt. However he does want to see her expose herself, and discredit her morals by going on TV to find lurve. Mom gets to ask her final question, which is basically, "Jake, would you seriously fuck up anyone who hurt Gia?" .
Mom and Gia on a park bench (two for one special tonight gentlemen): "Gia he has lurve in his eyes when he looks at you" G:"Mom, he is that way with everyone". M: "No I feel it here, in my silicone breasts". Gia: "I want the faiwy tale"
The night ends up with the two of them sitting on da stoop. Jake tries really really hard to find something nice to say about the Real Housewives of NYC and her family.
Date 2: Ali. I can't figure out where this is, seems like New England. "When I was a kid we would jump up and catch leaves and make a wish". Jake jumps up and grabs leaves for them to make wishes. I wish this date was already over.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: It is not acceptable to wear a white jacket after labor day. It is NEVER acceptable to wear said white jacket with a freakish lumberjacket shirt.
Oh, this is going to be a good date. She takes him to her dead grandmother's house. It makes Jake think about life and death, 'cause he's just so damn deep.
Ali's Mom, sister and brother. Ali's mom has never watched the show but went online to learn all about Jake. Her head must have exploded. "Ali has a heart of gold". She takes him outside, even though he is a totally pussy about cold weather. Ali and her sister chat in the worlds most ugliest blue kitchen. Seriously, if I were Jake I would be running for the hills.
Mom: "What does family mean to you" J: "It is extremely important". yawn. "Ali has strong feelings for you, and she is the happiest I have ever seen her, so you have my blessing. And, here's $50 if you chose her."
Later, Ali and Jake by the fire. A:"You are everything I dreamed I would ever find. I want you. If you asked me today I would say yes". Jake takes off his gloves for the big kiss. J:" I'm right where I need to be with Ali". Either that or he said, "I have her right where I want her, mwahahahahha".
Ok, what the HELL is with the cheesy Jared "Will You Marry Me ads???"
Date 3 is Tenley and Oregon. "Blah blah blah, Tenley has impressed me with her CORE VALUES." Oh give it a freakin rest. Tenley gets to ask Jake questions-wants to ask him who he is as a man". "What part do your parents play in your life?" (Ladies, this is a good question that you will NEVER get the true answer from). Jake: "I run everything past my parents". HOLY CRAP. Run.
OMFG. Please tell me I am not seeing this. Tenley choreographed a dance for him to Pachelbal's Canon. "I never did this for my ex". Lucky ex. They then dance together. Really, it is gagging me.
Whew, now to meet the parents. I can open my eyes now. Dad, mom, sister. Apparently, although divorced, Tenley is the only bach-ette who does not come from a broken home. Put that in your family values pipe and smoke it, Jake. Her mom looks younger than me. The bitch. Dad takes Jake upstairs to the man cave. Dad: "When I watched the bachelor (really???) last season, I thought, I wish Tenley would find someone like Jake". Oh come on!!! Dad lays on the broken heart bullshit really thick.
Tenley, whose voice is just god awful, pumps Dad afterwards. They both cry about the fucking divorce. (Note: I added the word divorce into the drinking game just because I was getting too sober watching this shit).
Mom:"What do you want to ask me?" J:" Is she ready?" Mom:"She is a different girl than the last time I saw her. She will have empotional spillovers". Jeezuz, another ringing endorsement.
Dad and Jake go outside this time to bond. Jake: "If I asked Tenley to marry me would I have your permission?" "I would give you my blessing but it carries with it a responsibility". Jake gets all emotional. And, all I notice is the biggest ASS flag on the side of the house.
Date 4, Vienna in the swamps of Florida, which is appropriate. She is wearing the 80's off the shoulder flashdance look. It ain't coming back, honey. Jake likes her and can't see why EVERYONE thinks she is a bitch.
"My dad didn't meet most of my dates, and didn't get to know my ex until after we were married." I believe we are all about to see why. Dad, Vinnie, has a little dog Chloe. Wife Lisa, who is clearly not V's mom. My first impressions: OH MY GOD, they are trailor trash. And, she and her dad have a scary relationship. Run, Jake, Run. V tells her dad she "LOVES JAKE", and totally reminds me of the little girl in Willy Wonka that WANTS things and makes her Dad GET THEM FOR HER.
Dad takes Jake out to his garage, "I don't like you dating 4 girls". "You need to treat her like a princess" "I expect her to be treated GOOD". Um, Vinnie? You expect her to be treated WELL. Just a little matter of grammar. Jake:"V and I connected right away and everyone else was jealous and tried to throw her under the bus". Dad:"Oh, she gets that all the time". BECAUSE SHE IS AN UGLY ASS BITCH.
Later, Dad catches them making out. Ugh. He gives Jake another 10 minutes to finish.
AND FINALLY, THE DATE IS OVER AND WE ARE BACK IN LA. Ahhhhh, end of the drama. But, WAIT, the most dramatic scene is coming right up! Knock knock...Ali comes in crying. She has an impossible decision to make. Her job (which is Facebook) called and wants her to either quit her job or come back to work (probably because they are getting all kinds of death threats due to the new Facebook format). She wants to let him know.
Jake: "So, what are you asking me? We have something special, you have to weigh which one is bigger". "I can't guarentee I won't put a ring on your finger but I can't say that I wouldn't." Wow, so freaking romantic and sensitive! She'll let him know at the rose ceremony, which will make it EVEN MORE DRAMATIC. Chris just wet himself.
Rose Ceremony. Just the guys, Jake and drooling Chris. "Crazy week, Jake, but let's talk Ali". Jake:" I don't know, she'll get fired if she choses to stay, but I can't make that decision, and certainly ABC will fire my ass if I tell her to stay cause she's the one.
Chris escorts each "lady" in while Jake bullshits about why each girl could be the one. "Tonight's decision isn't mine to make" PUSSY.
Ali wants to talk to Chris, he takes her to Jake. J:"You are beautiful". A:"You are handsome". I am nauseous. Seriously, I have about a page of notes on this bullshit, but I can't type it. He can't say stay, she can't get past that, lots of drama. Chris is listening in the whole time, "Ali, have you made a decision??" "I have to go". Jake walks her out. Boooohooooo. He comes back in, 3 women are gloating, one more than the others. Jake looks totally totally happy to have her gone. Seriously, it's full steam ahead to the overnight dates!!
Vienna-Donna
Gia-Karen
Tenley-Cindy R
Off to the herpes clinic
Ali-Tess
Corrie-Betty
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Ella-Lori M
Catherine-Greta
Valecia-Lori K
Crazy Michelle-Irene
Elzabeth-Elayne
Ashley-Sara
Christina-Stephanie
Slutty Spice-Wendy
First up, NYC and Gia. Ok, what the hell is with her and the jump up on him and wrap her legs around his waist thing? I mean, jesus, when my dog does that she gets smacked with the newspaper. They take a boat twip, "This is where I'm fwom, Jake!"
"I'm falling for Gia too" yawn. They pose, drink, and take pictures of each other. Uhuh, the nude shots will be appearing on the internet in about another week.
Funniest line contender #1: "When I kiss Gia I get into it. I get a burning desire to.....know her heart". hahahhahahahah
Oh for god sake, he brings up her past relationships. Seriously, I think he is waiting for one of these girls to ask him if he wants to watch her fool around with her old boyfriend. It's creepy. She has to do the rundown of all of the Tony Sopranos she's dated in her life. "She's been hurt before". Yea, Jake, she is over the age of 13.
Meet the parents, and since it is NYC they meet in a restaurant. Mom, stepfather Tony (no shit), brother and maybe a stepbrother. Dunno. I couldn't get past how freakish the brother looked. Like, a baby chicken that just popped out of the egg all wet and geeky. Mom is in a dress that is way too short. She takes Jake aside. "You are dating 4 girls, are you in love with all 4 girls?" "What makes my Gia special? Jake: "She has a way about her". Hmmm, that would make a good song lyric.
The baby chicken brother, Erik, doesn't want to see her hurt. However he does want to see her expose herself, and discredit her morals by going on TV to find lurve. Mom gets to ask her final question, which is basically, "Jake, would you seriously fuck up anyone who hurt Gia?" .
Mom and Gia on a park bench (two for one special tonight gentlemen): "Gia he has lurve in his eyes when he looks at you" G:"Mom, he is that way with everyone". M: "No I feel it here, in my silicone breasts". Gia: "I want the faiwy tale"
The night ends up with the two of them sitting on da stoop. Jake tries really really hard to find something nice to say about the Real Housewives of NYC and her family.
Date 2: Ali. I can't figure out where this is, seems like New England. "When I was a kid we would jump up and catch leaves and make a wish". Jake jumps up and grabs leaves for them to make wishes. I wish this date was already over.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: It is not acceptable to wear a white jacket after labor day. It is NEVER acceptable to wear said white jacket with a freakish lumberjacket shirt.
Oh, this is going to be a good date. She takes him to her dead grandmother's house. It makes Jake think about life and death, 'cause he's just so damn deep.
Ali's Mom, sister and brother. Ali's mom has never watched the show but went online to learn all about Jake. Her head must have exploded. "Ali has a heart of gold". She takes him outside, even though he is a totally pussy about cold weather. Ali and her sister chat in the worlds most ugliest blue kitchen. Seriously, if I were Jake I would be running for the hills.
Mom: "What does family mean to you" J: "It is extremely important". yawn. "Ali has strong feelings for you, and she is the happiest I have ever seen her, so you have my blessing. And, here's $50 if you chose her."
Later, Ali and Jake by the fire. A:"You are everything I dreamed I would ever find. I want you. If you asked me today I would say yes". Jake takes off his gloves for the big kiss. J:" I'm right where I need to be with Ali". Either that or he said, "I have her right where I want her, mwahahahahha".
Ok, what the HELL is with the cheesy Jared "Will You Marry Me ads???"
Date 3 is Tenley and Oregon. "Blah blah blah, Tenley has impressed me with her CORE VALUES." Oh give it a freakin rest. Tenley gets to ask Jake questions-wants to ask him who he is as a man". "What part do your parents play in your life?" (Ladies, this is a good question that you will NEVER get the true answer from). Jake: "I run everything past my parents". HOLY CRAP. Run.
OMFG. Please tell me I am not seeing this. Tenley choreographed a dance for him to Pachelbal's Canon. "I never did this for my ex". Lucky ex. They then dance together. Really, it is gagging me.
Whew, now to meet the parents. I can open my eyes now. Dad, mom, sister. Apparently, although divorced, Tenley is the only bach-ette who does not come from a broken home. Put that in your family values pipe and smoke it, Jake. Her mom looks younger than me. The bitch. Dad takes Jake upstairs to the man cave. Dad: "When I watched the bachelor (really???) last season, I thought, I wish Tenley would find someone like Jake". Oh come on!!! Dad lays on the broken heart bullshit really thick.
Tenley, whose voice is just god awful, pumps Dad afterwards. They both cry about the fucking divorce. (Note: I added the word divorce into the drinking game just because I was getting too sober watching this shit).
Mom:"What do you want to ask me?" J:" Is she ready?" Mom:"She is a different girl than the last time I saw her. She will have empotional spillovers". Jeezuz, another ringing endorsement.
Dad and Jake go outside this time to bond. Jake: "If I asked Tenley to marry me would I have your permission?" "I would give you my blessing but it carries with it a responsibility". Jake gets all emotional. And, all I notice is the biggest ASS flag on the side of the house.
Date 4, Vienna in the swamps of Florida, which is appropriate. She is wearing the 80's off the shoulder flashdance look. It ain't coming back, honey. Jake likes her and can't see why EVERYONE thinks she is a bitch.
"My dad didn't meet most of my dates, and didn't get to know my ex until after we were married." I believe we are all about to see why. Dad, Vinnie, has a little dog Chloe. Wife Lisa, who is clearly not V's mom. My first impressions: OH MY GOD, they are trailor trash. And, she and her dad have a scary relationship. Run, Jake, Run. V tells her dad she "LOVES JAKE", and totally reminds me of the little girl in Willy Wonka that WANTS things and makes her Dad GET THEM FOR HER.
Dad takes Jake out to his garage, "I don't like you dating 4 girls". "You need to treat her like a princess" "I expect her to be treated GOOD". Um, Vinnie? You expect her to be treated WELL. Just a little matter of grammar. Jake:"V and I connected right away and everyone else was jealous and tried to throw her under the bus". Dad:"Oh, she gets that all the time". BECAUSE SHE IS AN UGLY ASS BITCH.
Later, Dad catches them making out. Ugh. He gives Jake another 10 minutes to finish.
AND FINALLY, THE DATE IS OVER AND WE ARE BACK IN LA. Ahhhhh, end of the drama. But, WAIT, the most dramatic scene is coming right up! Knock knock...Ali comes in crying. She has an impossible decision to make. Her job (which is Facebook) called and wants her to either quit her job or come back to work (probably because they are getting all kinds of death threats due to the new Facebook format). She wants to let him know.
Jake: "So, what are you asking me? We have something special, you have to weigh which one is bigger". "I can't guarentee I won't put a ring on your finger but I can't say that I wouldn't." Wow, so freaking romantic and sensitive! She'll let him know at the rose ceremony, which will make it EVEN MORE DRAMATIC. Chris just wet himself.
Rose Ceremony. Just the guys, Jake and drooling Chris. "Crazy week, Jake, but let's talk Ali". Jake:" I don't know, she'll get fired if she choses to stay, but I can't make that decision, and certainly ABC will fire my ass if I tell her to stay cause she's the one.
Chris escorts each "lady" in while Jake bullshits about why each girl could be the one. "Tonight's decision isn't mine to make" PUSSY.
Ali wants to talk to Chris, he takes her to Jake. J:"You are beautiful". A:"You are handsome". I am nauseous. Seriously, I have about a page of notes on this bullshit, but I can't type it. He can't say stay, she can't get past that, lots of drama. Chris is listening in the whole time, "Ali, have you made a decision??" "I have to go". Jake walks her out. Boooohooooo. He comes back in, 3 women are gloating, one more than the others. Jake looks totally totally happy to have her gone. Seriously, it's full steam ahead to the overnight dates!!
Vienna-Donna
Gia-Karen
Tenley-Cindy R
Off to the herpes clinic
Ali-Tess
Corrie-Betty
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Ella-Lori M
Catherine-Greta
Valecia-Lori K
Crazy Michelle-Irene
Elzabeth-Elayne
Ashley-Sara
Christina-Stephanie
Slutty Spice-Wendy
Monday, February 8, 2010
Bachelor: And then there were 5 Ho’s
So, I’m in a bad mood. Expect this to be meaner than usual
Gia: “We’re awwiving in San Fwancisco and it’s the end of owr woad trip”
They get off the big old bus, Vienna is totally sprayed on black pants and high heels. Ladies, just a public service announcement. If you are gonna wear pants this tight? Make sure you are wearing cotton panties. This chick is looking for a mean case of crotch itch if you ask me.
Chris is MIA so Jake tells the girls there are no more date roses.
Date 1 is with Tenley: “Let’s get our lurve on track”. They take a trolley to Chinatown. Tenley says they have chemistry (drink). They go and make their own fortune cookies, they kiss (drink) and then stand on the street watching some old Chinese dude playing some kind of strange ass Chinese saw. It becomes THEIR SONG. They go to a castle for dinner and have to eat outside up in the turret thingy.
Jake: “She’s the one I picture as my wife”. They edit out the next line, “but she’s used goods”.
The bulk of the evening is spent with Jake hounding her about her divorce. “What mistakes did you make in your marriage”. WOW. Let’s just blame the little woman, shall we?? Tenley says, “I didn’t always jump up and great my poor working shit of a husband at the door wearing Saran wrap”. She asks Jake what he expects of his wife (and, I am FRIGGIN GAGGING ON THIS), and he says, “someone who has my back (he is obsessed with that), respect and trust”. Wow. No wonder this dude can’t find a wife the traditional route. Tenley says, “cheating is a choice”. Ahhh. Yes. But being CHEATED UPON is not a choice.
Ugh, they open their fortune cookies and both way, “kiss me”. Seriously? That’s all you got? They kiss and the “On the Wings of Lurve” theme song plays.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the date card comes and it’s a threesome. Vienna and Gia: “Come be the Queens of My Castle”. Vienna and Ali get into it about Ali’s comments at the last rose ceremony. BTW, Ali is wearing a sweater with big neck falling off her shoulder. When did THAT bad look come back in? Vienna: “Ali’s not going to break Jake and me up. I need to go tell Jake what she said”.
Next morning, a trunk arrives for Gia and Vienna. It’s full of clothes for dress up. Seriously, it’s full of skirts and both of them pick black tight pants and stilettos. Vienna picks an ugly ass purple tank top which she pairs with a wool scarf. Why? God knows. Gia picks a nice blue high next top. Gia looks way hotter. Vienna: “I have a really strong relationship with him”.
They go to this vineyard castle, and it’s an overnight date! Holy crap. They drink wine and Vienna treats her totally like a third wheel on the date. And Jake just lets her do it. Vienna “You had me shaking in my pants that night at the rose ceremony”. Then she cries. Gia just keeps drinking. It is really awkward but the Jake-tard (oooh, Sarah Palin is so gonna come after me for that one) just lets her monopolize the date. He tells her, “I want you here”. Really awkward.
He then remembers Gia is there and ‘steals her away”. They wonder around in the wine cellar and find a dark corner and a bench.
J: It’s hard to be on a date with a girlfriend, huh?
G: All the girls compare notes and I don’t think you think I am special
J: I’m really into you. You’re kind and generous and gorgeous. Are you falling for me, because I am falling for you
SLURP
J: We have amazing moments
G: Is it OK to fall?
J: Yes
And then it’s a slurp fest.
Vienna gets tired of waiting, takes a lantern and wonders around in the dark looking for them. She gets all scared and starts saying,” Jaaaake? Jaaaake honey…” It’s so pathetic. She finally finds them and they jump out of the dark and scare her. She keeps calling Jake her boyfriend. PSYCHO TALK. She asks him, “What would married life be like with you?” But he seems distant, so she says, “I don’t want to share you anymore”.
Jake shows them both their shared room. Hahahahahha. MEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW. Vienna can’t stand seeing Jake and Gia having a spark.
Note: Does Vienna have a weave? Discuss.
Jake is in bed topless (drink). Vienna takes a bottle of wine, a lantern and sneaks into his bedroom. Gia thinks it’s a really bad idea. She gets into bed with him and says, “Cheers to a new beginning and a new love”. Jake is worried about Gia’s feelings. It’s really awkward.
Date card: It’s for Corrie. “Love is a walk in the park”. Corrie shows up in legging and pumps. Seriously, is this really in fashion?? They take a rowboat, and it is awkward. Corrie tells him she doesn’t just date to date, it has to be special. They are in the boat, face to face and…..no kiss. Jake says, “I’m ready for dinner, you?”
Dinner is at the Science Center, in front of the fish tank. “I feel like your head is somewhere else” “Our relationship is moving slowly. We’re about to make a turn and I don’t know where you are?” She stammers on and tells him she doesn’t believe in living together before marriage. She is saving herself for marriage. (ding ding ding, we have a VIRGIN). They kiss and SUDDENLY HE’S INTERESTED.
Date card for Ali: “I want to leave my heart in San Fransisco. Show me your city”. Ali is wearing a blue dress and boots. Big ugly suede boots. And she is carrying a big ass LL BEAN tote. They go to her neighborhood, he buys her flowers. They have lunch. They have really boring chat. “I’m not from the picture perfect family” KISS. Jake wants to ask her about Vienna. They go to the park. She ends up straddling him. Man. “I never thought I’d be here”. They drink champagne. J: “You can come to me if you are bothered. I think you wanted to say something to me after the rose ceremony”. She just says, “if you pick me I’m yours. I have no questions about why people are here”. “Do what you feel, I have to let go of all that”. They kiss and then jump in the surf. With her suede boots on.
Pre Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Everyone’s nervous. Jake is confused. “I am falling for all of you”. He reads cue card well, doesn’t he? One on one time.
Tenley: “It’s hard knowing you are out with other women. J” Thinks with us are going at a good pace. They dance then kiss.
Corrie (VIRGIN). I dunno, they have some weird chat. It’s strange.
Gia, looking VERY HOT. “I was worried about double dating”. She leaves unsaid, “You passed the Vienna tramp test”. Jake: “You’re not like the other women”. No shit, Sherlock, she’s the only one that is not blonde. She gets a CHEEK KISS!
Vienna: “I’m too impatient”. He takes her to his freaking room. On the balcony, “I’m getting my Jake kiss”. He brings up the bungee jumping thing. Shit, he likes her.
Chris is back!!! Rose ceremony. “This is really hard…blah blah blah.
Roses: Tenley, Ali, Gia………Vienna. I am starting to think he is consistently giving her the last rose as a signal that she is going to always get the last rose. UGH.
Bye Bye Corrie.
Gia: “We’re awwiving in San Fwancisco and it’s the end of owr woad trip”
They get off the big old bus, Vienna is totally sprayed on black pants and high heels. Ladies, just a public service announcement. If you are gonna wear pants this tight? Make sure you are wearing cotton panties. This chick is looking for a mean case of crotch itch if you ask me.
Chris is MIA so Jake tells the girls there are no more date roses.
Date 1 is with Tenley: “Let’s get our lurve on track”. They take a trolley to Chinatown. Tenley says they have chemistry (drink). They go and make their own fortune cookies, they kiss (drink) and then stand on the street watching some old Chinese dude playing some kind of strange ass Chinese saw. It becomes THEIR SONG. They go to a castle for dinner and have to eat outside up in the turret thingy.
Jake: “She’s the one I picture as my wife”. They edit out the next line, “but she’s used goods”.
The bulk of the evening is spent with Jake hounding her about her divorce. “What mistakes did you make in your marriage”. WOW. Let’s just blame the little woman, shall we?? Tenley says, “I didn’t always jump up and great my poor working shit of a husband at the door wearing Saran wrap”. She asks Jake what he expects of his wife (and, I am FRIGGIN GAGGING ON THIS), and he says, “someone who has my back (he is obsessed with that), respect and trust”. Wow. No wonder this dude can’t find a wife the traditional route. Tenley says, “cheating is a choice”. Ahhh. Yes. But being CHEATED UPON is not a choice.
Ugh, they open their fortune cookies and both way, “kiss me”. Seriously? That’s all you got? They kiss and the “On the Wings of Lurve” theme song plays.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the date card comes and it’s a threesome. Vienna and Gia: “Come be the Queens of My Castle”. Vienna and Ali get into it about Ali’s comments at the last rose ceremony. BTW, Ali is wearing a sweater with big neck falling off her shoulder. When did THAT bad look come back in? Vienna: “Ali’s not going to break Jake and me up. I need to go tell Jake what she said”.
Next morning, a trunk arrives for Gia and Vienna. It’s full of clothes for dress up. Seriously, it’s full of skirts and both of them pick black tight pants and stilettos. Vienna picks an ugly ass purple tank top which she pairs with a wool scarf. Why? God knows. Gia picks a nice blue high next top. Gia looks way hotter. Vienna: “I have a really strong relationship with him”.
They go to this vineyard castle, and it’s an overnight date! Holy crap. They drink wine and Vienna treats her totally like a third wheel on the date. And Jake just lets her do it. Vienna “You had me shaking in my pants that night at the rose ceremony”. Then she cries. Gia just keeps drinking. It is really awkward but the Jake-tard (oooh, Sarah Palin is so gonna come after me for that one) just lets her monopolize the date. He tells her, “I want you here”. Really awkward.
He then remembers Gia is there and ‘steals her away”. They wonder around in the wine cellar and find a dark corner and a bench.
J: It’s hard to be on a date with a girlfriend, huh?
G: All the girls compare notes and I don’t think you think I am special
J: I’m really into you. You’re kind and generous and gorgeous. Are you falling for me, because I am falling for you
SLURP
J: We have amazing moments
G: Is it OK to fall?
J: Yes
And then it’s a slurp fest.
Vienna gets tired of waiting, takes a lantern and wonders around in the dark looking for them. She gets all scared and starts saying,” Jaaaake? Jaaaake honey…” It’s so pathetic. She finally finds them and they jump out of the dark and scare her. She keeps calling Jake her boyfriend. PSYCHO TALK. She asks him, “What would married life be like with you?” But he seems distant, so she says, “I don’t want to share you anymore”.
Jake shows them both their shared room. Hahahahahha. MEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW. Vienna can’t stand seeing Jake and Gia having a spark.
Note: Does Vienna have a weave? Discuss.
Jake is in bed topless (drink). Vienna takes a bottle of wine, a lantern and sneaks into his bedroom. Gia thinks it’s a really bad idea. She gets into bed with him and says, “Cheers to a new beginning and a new love”. Jake is worried about Gia’s feelings. It’s really awkward.
Date card: It’s for Corrie. “Love is a walk in the park”. Corrie shows up in legging and pumps. Seriously, is this really in fashion?? They take a rowboat, and it is awkward. Corrie tells him she doesn’t just date to date, it has to be special. They are in the boat, face to face and…..no kiss. Jake says, “I’m ready for dinner, you?”
Dinner is at the Science Center, in front of the fish tank. “I feel like your head is somewhere else” “Our relationship is moving slowly. We’re about to make a turn and I don’t know where you are?” She stammers on and tells him she doesn’t believe in living together before marriage. She is saving herself for marriage. (ding ding ding, we have a VIRGIN). They kiss and SUDDENLY HE’S INTERESTED.
Date card for Ali: “I want to leave my heart in San Fransisco. Show me your city”. Ali is wearing a blue dress and boots. Big ugly suede boots. And she is carrying a big ass LL BEAN tote. They go to her neighborhood, he buys her flowers. They have lunch. They have really boring chat. “I’m not from the picture perfect family” KISS. Jake wants to ask her about Vienna. They go to the park. She ends up straddling him. Man. “I never thought I’d be here”. They drink champagne. J: “You can come to me if you are bothered. I think you wanted to say something to me after the rose ceremony”. She just says, “if you pick me I’m yours. I have no questions about why people are here”. “Do what you feel, I have to let go of all that”. They kiss and then jump in the surf. With her suede boots on.
Pre Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Everyone’s nervous. Jake is confused. “I am falling for all of you”. He reads cue card well, doesn’t he? One on one time.
Tenley: “It’s hard knowing you are out with other women. J” Thinks with us are going at a good pace. They dance then kiss.
Corrie (VIRGIN). I dunno, they have some weird chat. It’s strange.
Gia, looking VERY HOT. “I was worried about double dating”. She leaves unsaid, “You passed the Vienna tramp test”. Jake: “You’re not like the other women”. No shit, Sherlock, she’s the only one that is not blonde. She gets a CHEEK KISS!
Vienna: “I’m too impatient”. He takes her to his freaking room. On the balcony, “I’m getting my Jake kiss”. He brings up the bungee jumping thing. Shit, he likes her.
Chris is back!!! Rose ceremony. “This is really hard…blah blah blah.
Roses: Tenley, Ali, Gia………Vienna. I am starting to think he is consistently giving her the last rose as a signal that she is going to always get the last rose. UGH.
Bye Bye Corrie.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Bachelor Update: hi HO hi HO, it's up the road we go!
Tonight’s episode is brought to you by MEOW MIX.
So, we start again with Chris in the living room ‘splaining the rules. Why does this bug the shit out of me every week? Anyway, there will be 1 one-on-one, 1 group date and one two-on-one, also known as a ménage a twat, or as my husband excitedly yelled from the kitchen, “woooohooo, a threesome!!”.
But tonight, THERE IS ALSO A BIG CHANGE waiting outside, ladies! OMFG, 2 RV’s roll up. Hi HO hi HO it’s off on a road trip we go. I’d be so done.
The HO’s are assigned to RVs, just so Vienna doesn’t end up all alone. And, they get one hour to pack. Which in HO land, is ridunculous.
Jake, the biker pilot, rides his bike up the coast. UGH, as if I didn’t dislike him enough, we find out he likes to shit in the woods. Also known as camping. The campout is in a vineyard. Hey, is Andrew Firestone around and still looking for a bachelorette? Jake has his tent all set up when he greats the ladies. Vienna grabs his arm and says, “is that our tent?” MEOW. He hands the date card to Gia, and gets the hell out of there.
Gia gets the one-on-one, “Let’s go over the moon and be under the stars”. Gia is a New Yowker, a certified city girl. She wears her casual duds and her stilettos. Ho down tonight in the vineyard! Vienna is drooling thinking of how badly this is gonna go for Gia, “this is completely out of her element. I hope she gets mauled by a bear and left for dead”.
The date is in the vineyard. Gia wants to play hide and seek. Watch out for the Jake shit! How friggin CUTE is that? Once he finds her, they move on to playing hide the salami. “She has a real passion for life”. Holy crap, he carries her around the vineyard with her legs wrapped around his waist. SLUT. Now I understand the purpose of those shoes.
Deep conversations with what appears to be 4 bottles of wine. Jake: in 9th grade I was known as Mr. Dateless. 9th grade?? They play spin the bottle. “Cheeks, lips, all the way”. SLURP. She gets the infamous quick lip peck that quickly moves to the cheek kiss of death. “That was the best kiss of my life”. Uhuh. 4 bottles of wine will do that to you.
They move on to his campsite, where there is MORE WINE. He is going to make a fire, with a shit load of wood in a firepit from Smith and Hawkins. Real rugged. I believe there are firestarter bricks in there. But, it doesn’t matter cause after that much wine she’d spread ‘em for the flick of a bic lighter. Dinner is hot dogs and s’mores.
“How do you picture us working out?” “Well, I prefer to be on the top”. No no no, I mean the future. Oh. “Well, you get rid of that HO Vienna, then we get engaged, I move to bum fuck Texas, we get married after a while, have two kids, and adopt one from China (or take Ella’s kid). Oh, and I want a pot bellied pig.” Wow, Jake never considered a kid from China or a pig! Slurp fest, and she gets a rose.
The Meow Mix starts howling. One of the blondes walks out with the next date card. “Where’d you get that?” “Ummmmmm, it was on the RV windowshield while I was banging the camera guy”. It’s the ménage a twat date!!! And, it goes to Ella and Katherine. Which means the rest of the ho’s are going on the group date.
The next morning, the road trip continues to Pismo Beach for more camping and the group date, “an extremely dirty date”. He and the Ho’s go dune buggying and rolling in the sand. Ali calls Jake’s dune buggy. Vienna “have your fun with him because I am going to marry him”. Jessie and Vienna are in one buggy but Jessie isn’t an aggressive enough driver and their buggy gets stuck. Jake comes to the rescue. Then it’s time for sand surfing. He rolls down the hill with Tenley, and finally gets to cop a feel. They are all lovey dovey when they get up, so I guess she copped one as well.
Picnic time. Fruit and wine. Seriously, this dude is getting on my freaking nerves with these lame ass dates. Is it just so that he never has to dress up? He wants to know who’s up for a roll in the sand, and only Corrie takes him up on it, the rest preferring to continue to drink and bitch at each other.
The day ends at the “Madonna Inn”, which is so famous “celebrities go there”. Yea, by the looks of the interior, they go there to shoot heroin and OD. They all get to shower and dress in this hotel room with, I swear to god, red carpeting on the walls. They go down to dinner in their Ho dresses, and he is not even dressed up. Seriously! I doubt he even showered for the past couple of days. The restaurant is empty (which is a sign of a really good restaurant), there is no wait staff in sight, and there are tons and tons of red leather banquettes.
He takes Ashleigh to this strange teal bedroom, where they lay on the bed and talk. “She is smoking, but I am just not feeling it”. He takes her back and asks Vienna if she wants to go for a walk. “I prefer to go last, thankyouverymuch.” I think she wants to sniff his crotch to see if anyone else got there first.
Ali gets a yellow hotel room. “I have a hard time being affectionate with you in front of everyone”. She wastes her time complaining about the number of roses left this week instead of shutting up and putting out.
Tenley gets the “Madonna” suite. Jake wants to know if she is over her ex husband yet. They talk about him. “Do you feel comfortable with me, Jake?” “Um, I have my head in your lap so I guess yes”. SLURP.
Finally, it’s Vienna’s time. I think he takes her back to the Madonna room. Either that or the lobby. “I want you for myself”. “Vienna, I think you gotta cool it with the biatch thing. You bring it on yourself”. She cuts this line of discussion off.
Finally, they are all back in the restaurant. Jake gives the put out rose to Tenley. Tssssssssss the claws come out. Corrie is frustrated.
Next day, the caravan of Ho’s moves up the coast to Big Sur. More camping. Jake is in a lovely brown plaid flannel shirt. With a puffy vest. He invites Katherine and Ella to his cabin for some grub. Man, the economy sucks for the bachelor! The dinner conversation is all about Family Values, and Ella monopolizes the conversation. He takes her outside (man, is there no plumbing in this cabin either??). It’s all family family family, blah blah blah. “Because you have a kid, if I am not absolutely sure, I don’t want to keep you”. Although I had no trouble using your kid for ratings last week. No kiss. Not good.
Katherine’s time to go out to the woodpile. “I keep getting lost in your eyes”. K: “I have lots of questions” J: “Ask away”. “How long is your penis?” Oh wait, I made that up to kill the boredom. “How come you ignore me?” Yea, how come you ignore her to the point that I was like, who the hell is Katherine? “I’m trying not to get lost in your beauty”. JeSUS. I have a bridge for her if she buys that one.
He leaves the two in his cabin while he goes outside to think. Hahahah, bad move. He comes back and takes Ella outside again. “You are great….BUT….” No h’ose. Bubye. At least she gets to leave in a limo. He goes to Katherine. “You have an honesty about you….BUT…..no h’ose either.” Chris, do we have money for a second limo?? Da’am he is cold. “This is breaking my heart, but in some other strange way, turning me on”.
The meow mix is FREAKING. First the crew comes and gets Ella’s luggage, THEN they come and get Katherine’s. Holy shit.
Jake is all tortured. So he burns the damn rose. Hahahahahah. I friggin love that symbolism.
MMix: Vienna has to go home at the next rose ceremony, and if not, he is getting a real talking to.
The RV’s make their way to the Montalvo Arts Center. The 7 Ho’s stumble out of the vans and into the center to get dressed for the cocktail party. Jake rides up in his suit (finally) and the worlds ugliest tie (God, for a minute I thought it has animals on it), with his leather jacket over it. Nice touch, stud. He walks into the party and announces, “we are all gonna do shots and then you are all gonna get naked”. I wish.
Corrie one on one: “Jake, do I make you nervous? Because I was reading in Teen Beat on the drive here that women should make men nervous. I want us to be like that”. “I will make you a deal, I will pursue you but you have to open up (which is code for put out)”.
Ali: “Jake, I think what you did last night, culling the herd, was honorable”. “I’m falling for you”. SLURP. “I’m scared”. SLURP.
Jessie has really really BAD green eyeshadow. It’s the living in a trailer impact. She basically spends her one on one time bagging on Vienna. Not cool. “Why do y’all dislike her?” “She is self-centered and spoiled. She tells us that her daddy writes her checks for anything she wants”. Cheek kiss. AKA ,the kiss of death.
Vienna: “I’m stressing about what these other Ho’s are saying about me. What will your family and friends think of me if these chicks figured me out so quickly?” Jake, “Don’t worry, I like to form my own opinions.”
Ding ding ding. Thank you Chris for saving us.
Gia and Tenley are safe. Jake yammers and yammers on and on. He gives Ali and Corrie roses.
Dramatic pause, picks up one rose, puts it down. I need a minute…He runs back stage, asks some female production member to find Chris (who is drinking no doubt waiting for his next, “Ladies this is the final rose” line).
Chris, I need some advice
What is it buddy?
Chris, can I send more sluts home?
Well, Jake, we all get paid by the episode.....but if you really want to... we'll take it out of the size of this season’s Harry Winstin engagement ring. "
Well, Chris, I did just have the freakin cheapest camping dates in the history of the show
That is true. And, we did save a mint at that cheap ass, red leather banquette Madonna Inn, so, yea, cut those bitches free. We’ll milk the hell out of it in the promos.
Thanks, Man. Love you.
Chris walks back in with Jake for, truly, THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY since the one dude changed his mind after the final proposal. Chris removes one of the roses. I really really wanted him to walk over and drop it in the fireplace. 2 of you sluts are going home, not just one. Jake mumbles something about, “trying to find my wife”.
There are now 3 ladies in black standing in a row. SHIT. He keeps Vienna, gets rid of Ashleigh and Jessie.
Ali is pissed and is mumbling under her breath about Vienna. We have to tell him what a biatch she is. “If that HO is what he wants, then I am not what he wants”. Yea, you tell him.
Next stop, ladies is San Francisco. Everyone clinks glasses, and no one says a damn thing.
Vienna-Donna
Gia-Karen
Tenley-Cindy R
Corrie-Betty
Ali-Tess
Off to the herpes clinic
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Ella-Lori M
Catherine-Greta
Valecia-Lori K
Crazy Michelle-Irene
Elizabeth-Elayne
Ashley-Sara
Christina-Stephanie
Slutty Spice-Wendy
So, we start again with Chris in the living room ‘splaining the rules. Why does this bug the shit out of me every week? Anyway, there will be 1 one-on-one, 1 group date and one two-on-one, also known as a ménage a twat, or as my husband excitedly yelled from the kitchen, “woooohooo, a threesome!!”.
But tonight, THERE IS ALSO A BIG CHANGE waiting outside, ladies! OMFG, 2 RV’s roll up. Hi HO hi HO it’s off on a road trip we go. I’d be so done.
The HO’s are assigned to RVs, just so Vienna doesn’t end up all alone. And, they get one hour to pack. Which in HO land, is ridunculous.
Jake, the biker pilot, rides his bike up the coast. UGH, as if I didn’t dislike him enough, we find out he likes to shit in the woods. Also known as camping. The campout is in a vineyard. Hey, is Andrew Firestone around and still looking for a bachelorette? Jake has his tent all set up when he greats the ladies. Vienna grabs his arm and says, “is that our tent?” MEOW. He hands the date card to Gia, and gets the hell out of there.
Gia gets the one-on-one, “Let’s go over the moon and be under the stars”. Gia is a New Yowker, a certified city girl. She wears her casual duds and her stilettos. Ho down tonight in the vineyard! Vienna is drooling thinking of how badly this is gonna go for Gia, “this is completely out of her element. I hope she gets mauled by a bear and left for dead”.
The date is in the vineyard. Gia wants to play hide and seek. Watch out for the Jake shit! How friggin CUTE is that? Once he finds her, they move on to playing hide the salami. “She has a real passion for life”. Holy crap, he carries her around the vineyard with her legs wrapped around his waist. SLUT. Now I understand the purpose of those shoes.
Deep conversations with what appears to be 4 bottles of wine. Jake: in 9th grade I was known as Mr. Dateless. 9th grade?? They play spin the bottle. “Cheeks, lips, all the way”. SLURP. She gets the infamous quick lip peck that quickly moves to the cheek kiss of death. “That was the best kiss of my life”. Uhuh. 4 bottles of wine will do that to you.
They move on to his campsite, where there is MORE WINE. He is going to make a fire, with a shit load of wood in a firepit from Smith and Hawkins. Real rugged. I believe there are firestarter bricks in there. But, it doesn’t matter cause after that much wine she’d spread ‘em for the flick of a bic lighter. Dinner is hot dogs and s’mores.
“How do you picture us working out?” “Well, I prefer to be on the top”. No no no, I mean the future. Oh. “Well, you get rid of that HO Vienna, then we get engaged, I move to bum fuck Texas, we get married after a while, have two kids, and adopt one from China (or take Ella’s kid). Oh, and I want a pot bellied pig.” Wow, Jake never considered a kid from China or a pig! Slurp fest, and she gets a rose.
The Meow Mix starts howling. One of the blondes walks out with the next date card. “Where’d you get that?” “Ummmmmm, it was on the RV windowshield while I was banging the camera guy”. It’s the ménage a twat date!!! And, it goes to Ella and Katherine. Which means the rest of the ho’s are going on the group date.
The next morning, the road trip continues to Pismo Beach for more camping and the group date, “an extremely dirty date”. He and the Ho’s go dune buggying and rolling in the sand. Ali calls Jake’s dune buggy. Vienna “have your fun with him because I am going to marry him”. Jessie and Vienna are in one buggy but Jessie isn’t an aggressive enough driver and their buggy gets stuck. Jake comes to the rescue. Then it’s time for sand surfing. He rolls down the hill with Tenley, and finally gets to cop a feel. They are all lovey dovey when they get up, so I guess she copped one as well.
Picnic time. Fruit and wine. Seriously, this dude is getting on my freaking nerves with these lame ass dates. Is it just so that he never has to dress up? He wants to know who’s up for a roll in the sand, and only Corrie takes him up on it, the rest preferring to continue to drink and bitch at each other.
The day ends at the “Madonna Inn”, which is so famous “celebrities go there”. Yea, by the looks of the interior, they go there to shoot heroin and OD. They all get to shower and dress in this hotel room with, I swear to god, red carpeting on the walls. They go down to dinner in their Ho dresses, and he is not even dressed up. Seriously! I doubt he even showered for the past couple of days. The restaurant is empty (which is a sign of a really good restaurant), there is no wait staff in sight, and there are tons and tons of red leather banquettes.
He takes Ashleigh to this strange teal bedroom, where they lay on the bed and talk. “She is smoking, but I am just not feeling it”. He takes her back and asks Vienna if she wants to go for a walk. “I prefer to go last, thankyouverymuch.” I think she wants to sniff his crotch to see if anyone else got there first.
Ali gets a yellow hotel room. “I have a hard time being affectionate with you in front of everyone”. She wastes her time complaining about the number of roses left this week instead of shutting up and putting out.
Tenley gets the “Madonna” suite. Jake wants to know if she is over her ex husband yet. They talk about him. “Do you feel comfortable with me, Jake?” “Um, I have my head in your lap so I guess yes”. SLURP.
Finally, it’s Vienna’s time. I think he takes her back to the Madonna room. Either that or the lobby. “I want you for myself”. “Vienna, I think you gotta cool it with the biatch thing. You bring it on yourself”. She cuts this line of discussion off.
Finally, they are all back in the restaurant. Jake gives the put out rose to Tenley. Tssssssssss the claws come out. Corrie is frustrated.
Next day, the caravan of Ho’s moves up the coast to Big Sur. More camping. Jake is in a lovely brown plaid flannel shirt. With a puffy vest. He invites Katherine and Ella to his cabin for some grub. Man, the economy sucks for the bachelor! The dinner conversation is all about Family Values, and Ella monopolizes the conversation. He takes her outside (man, is there no plumbing in this cabin either??). It’s all family family family, blah blah blah. “Because you have a kid, if I am not absolutely sure, I don’t want to keep you”. Although I had no trouble using your kid for ratings last week. No kiss. Not good.
Katherine’s time to go out to the woodpile. “I keep getting lost in your eyes”. K: “I have lots of questions” J: “Ask away”. “How long is your penis?” Oh wait, I made that up to kill the boredom. “How come you ignore me?” Yea, how come you ignore her to the point that I was like, who the hell is Katherine? “I’m trying not to get lost in your beauty”. JeSUS. I have a bridge for her if she buys that one.
He leaves the two in his cabin while he goes outside to think. Hahahah, bad move. He comes back and takes Ella outside again. “You are great….BUT….” No h’ose. Bubye. At least she gets to leave in a limo. He goes to Katherine. “You have an honesty about you….BUT…..no h’ose either.” Chris, do we have money for a second limo?? Da’am he is cold. “This is breaking my heart, but in some other strange way, turning me on”.
The meow mix is FREAKING. First the crew comes and gets Ella’s luggage, THEN they come and get Katherine’s. Holy shit.
Jake is all tortured. So he burns the damn rose. Hahahahahah. I friggin love that symbolism.
MMix: Vienna has to go home at the next rose ceremony, and if not, he is getting a real talking to.
The RV’s make their way to the Montalvo Arts Center. The 7 Ho’s stumble out of the vans and into the center to get dressed for the cocktail party. Jake rides up in his suit (finally) and the worlds ugliest tie (God, for a minute I thought it has animals on it), with his leather jacket over it. Nice touch, stud. He walks into the party and announces, “we are all gonna do shots and then you are all gonna get naked”. I wish.
Corrie one on one: “Jake, do I make you nervous? Because I was reading in Teen Beat on the drive here that women should make men nervous. I want us to be like that”. “I will make you a deal, I will pursue you but you have to open up (which is code for put out)”.
Ali: “Jake, I think what you did last night, culling the herd, was honorable”. “I’m falling for you”. SLURP. “I’m scared”. SLURP.
Jessie has really really BAD green eyeshadow. It’s the living in a trailer impact. She basically spends her one on one time bagging on Vienna. Not cool. “Why do y’all dislike her?” “She is self-centered and spoiled. She tells us that her daddy writes her checks for anything she wants”. Cheek kiss. AKA ,the kiss of death.
Vienna: “I’m stressing about what these other Ho’s are saying about me. What will your family and friends think of me if these chicks figured me out so quickly?” Jake, “Don’t worry, I like to form my own opinions.”
Ding ding ding. Thank you Chris for saving us.
Gia and Tenley are safe. Jake yammers and yammers on and on. He gives Ali and Corrie roses.
Dramatic pause, picks up one rose, puts it down. I need a minute…He runs back stage, asks some female production member to find Chris (who is drinking no doubt waiting for his next, “Ladies this is the final rose” line).
Chris, I need some advice
What is it buddy?
Chris, can I send more sluts home?
Well, Jake, we all get paid by the episode.....but if you really want to... we'll take it out of the size of this season’s Harry Winstin engagement ring. "
Well, Chris, I did just have the freakin cheapest camping dates in the history of the show
That is true. And, we did save a mint at that cheap ass, red leather banquette Madonna Inn, so, yea, cut those bitches free. We’ll milk the hell out of it in the promos.
Thanks, Man. Love you.
Chris walks back in with Jake for, truly, THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY since the one dude changed his mind after the final proposal. Chris removes one of the roses. I really really wanted him to walk over and drop it in the fireplace. 2 of you sluts are going home, not just one. Jake mumbles something about, “trying to find my wife”.
There are now 3 ladies in black standing in a row. SHIT. He keeps Vienna, gets rid of Ashleigh and Jessie.
Ali is pissed and is mumbling under her breath about Vienna. We have to tell him what a biatch she is. “If that HO is what he wants, then I am not what he wants”. Yea, you tell him.
Next stop, ladies is San Francisco. Everyone clinks glasses, and no one says a damn thing.
Vienna-Donna
Gia-Karen
Tenley-Cindy R
Corrie-Betty
Ali-Tess
Off to the herpes clinic
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Ella-Lori M
Catherine-Greta
Valecia-Lori K
Crazy Michelle-Irene
Elizabeth-Elayne
Ashley-Sara
Christina-Stephanie
Slutty Spice-Wendy
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Bachelor Week 3: Goodbye Bunny Killer
Uh oh, the claws are coming out! MEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.
Here's why I love this show. Comments like "It's very hard to live in a house with 15 other women dating your future husband". But, I guess when you've been through eHarmony's database, and Match.com's and even Snatch.com, your options are limited.
Here's another thought to consider while I dig out my notes: the producers MUST have known that Michelle was crazy. Seriously, I am starting to think they intentionally put crazy people on these shows for the pure entertainment factor. More on her later...
But first, the show tonight begins with Chris (in a really old ratty Tshirt and a blazer. Dude, Miami Vice was in the 80's) ONCE AGAIN explaining how the show works. "This week there will be two one-on-one dates and 1 group date. If you go on a one on one and do not get a rose, you get the van ride home. If you do not get a one-on-date, you cannot sleep with production staff. Oh, and as part of our new hire program, meet our new totally homosexual male crew. Good luck getting anything other than decorating ideas, ladies!"
Vienna gets the first one-on-one date, "Let's fall head over heels". Oooh!! It's a heels behind your ears date!! SWEEEEET.
MEEEOOOOOWWWW. Claws are out on this one-on-one.
Jake (aka PILOT) arrives with his motorcycle and Vienna is ready and appropriately dressed sans prom gown. Off on the bike to Jake's house. Apparently she doesn't get to go inside. What's this?? Oh! They still have time left over on last week's helicopter ride! Up they go, and they land on a bridge where bungee cords are set up. So, clearly in addition to a virgin or someone with few dating experiences, Jake is looking for a woman with good bladder control.
The whole jumping thing is ridunculous. V: "I'm soooo scared" J: "me tooo me tooooo". On and freaking on. Why not just skip to the drinks portion of the date?? Jake goes freaking on and on about "overcoming a fear together is great for couples building...blah blah blah...I need to know that I can draw strength from my future wife". So, in order to test that part, he basically fakes a panic attack. LAME. They jump. Then she gets a kiss at the end of the rope hanging upside down. The night continues to dinner but I just can't stomach it anymore. Bottom line, she didn't shit herself so she gets a rose.
Next morning, it's the group date invitation. Man, I hope Jake isn't really designing these dates because they are FREAKING lame. 8 women go with him to the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club. I didn't realize Lovitz was still alive. Michelle is PISSED cause she wanted a one on one. Jon Lovitz comes in announces that the ladies are going to do comedy. Lots of freaking out. Ashleigh is crying, so Jake gives her a joke.
Back at the ranch, Ella gets the next one on one envelope, "Let's lift off to another world". OMG, I think NASA is going to let Jake take the Space Shuttle out. Gia gets no date this week, nor does someone else but I can't remember all their names. The blondes are confusing the hell out of me. Vienna goes on and on about how much she will enjoy her date with Jake, cause Jake is just so wonderful and makes you feel like you are the next Mrs. Jake Pilot. This pisses Gia off. Drama enfolds, everyone is pissed off at Vienna.
Bad comedy back at the club. Jessie, I think, makes a joke about her family being too fat to know if they were greek. That'll work! Tenley for some reason lays down and puts her ankles behind her ears. Now we're talking!! Elizabeth the non-kisser, gets up and tells filthy jokes. Very weird. Michelle gets up and bombs, says, wonder why there are no coconuts on the trees? Cause I have them down my shirt. And, makes some strange golf joke about "Waiting for my hole to get a one-on-one". WOW. Seriously, you can't make this shit up!
Corey gets up and basically rips on everyone, Tenley for being a work out nut, Catherine, and finally she goes bonkers on Vienna. Totally rips her, and Jake doesn't like that.
Ashleigh finally gets up and does blonde jokes. Which, apparently Jake knows a lot of.
Afterwards, they have a "wrap" party. GAY. Tenley gets her one on one time, tells Jake that she was married to the only man she ever slept with, and he left her. Boohooo. Jake gives her a pity kiss.
Ashleigh uses her time to continue to bag on Vienna. Tells Jake that everyone was mad that he gave the ho a rose. She tells him Vienna came home from her date and gabbed all about the intimate details, makes her a controversy. Jake isn't to happy with this litter box scratching. Meanwhile, back at the house, Gia and Vienna are still going at it. Vienna cries herself to sleep, boohoo, everyone hates me. EXCEPT JAKE!!
Ali is all upset that he has ignored her since their date, and she put out, which used to really bug me when I was single. She gets some one on one time, and smooth operator that he is, Jake starts right off apologizing for ignoring her. Ahhhh, KISS. Then she starts bagging on Vienna.
On the couch, everyone's happy that Vienna got bagged on by Corey, they toast but Michelle doesn't join in. "What is your freaking problem, psycho??" Michelle goes on some rant about wanting a husband REALLY BADLY, and also wanting to kiss Jake in a crazy, tongue in your mouth, ripping out handfuls of hair, humping his thigh way. It is really freaky.
She gets her one on one time and man, it is a sight! She is all, I want a husband crazy!! Ladies, this tactic does not work!!! Watch and learn. She asks for a kiss, and gets a kiss, but tells him, "that sucked it, it wasn't enough cause my clothes are still on." She threatens to leave again (she's packed up like 3 times already) and he tells her, that would probably be a good idea.
Jake returns to the couch and tells the ho's, I have a headache, I just kissed a witch, and none of you Vienna baggers are gonna get the rose.
Next morning, Ella's date. It's a makeup date for her missed birthday. The required date helicopter arrives at the house and whisks them off to Sea World. Ok, at this point I was yelling at the TV, "Noooooooo, don't involve the child in this.............. Please!! There should be laws against this............" And, just like that her son runs over clutching that friggin airplane. Here little boy, have an airplane while I molest your mom, who I met 2 weeks ago. UGH. It's a family fun date with Shamu and other cute animals. Hands up, who else was hoping the kid threw up on Jake so he would get the clue about fatherhood?? WHATEVER. He's falling for her kid I think. She gets the rose.
Next night, Cocktail party time. It's the Elizabeth crazy show. Jake calls her (in his head) the Queen of the Mixed Signals. Funny, it used to be called cock tease when I was in school. Do you wanna kiss me? I'm a good kisser. You should want to kiss me. He basically tells her she is confusing, and he is never gonna give the expensive Harry Winston ring that ABC is gonna buy for him to give someone he has never....kissed. It starts getting uncomfortable and Vienna interrupts. AND SHE ALREADY HAS A ROSE. Major faux pas. She cries to Jake, "It's soooo hard here, I'm not a bad person, but these sluts are crazy". She gets a cheek kiss. Hmmmmm. Are his feelings for her changing??
The other girls are all pissed and tell her so. Ali confronts Vienna AGAIN. Elizabeth is crying, telling people that Jake is pressuring HER for a kiss. She goes back to confront Jake. She's pissed. More of the kiss bullshit. You can tell Jake is not into it at all. Fortunately, Chris comes and saves the day.
Roses tonight go to...
Vienna-Donna
Gia-Karen
Tenley-Cindy R
Ella-Lori M
Cory-Betty
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Catherine-Greta
Ali-Tess
Here's why I love this show. Comments like "It's very hard to live in a house with 15 other women dating your future husband". But, I guess when you've been through eHarmony's database, and Match.com's and even Snatch.com, your options are limited.
Here's another thought to consider while I dig out my notes: the producers MUST have known that Michelle was crazy. Seriously, I am starting to think they intentionally put crazy people on these shows for the pure entertainment factor. More on her later...
But first, the show tonight begins with Chris (in a really old ratty Tshirt and a blazer. Dude, Miami Vice was in the 80's) ONCE AGAIN explaining how the show works. "This week there will be two one-on-one dates and 1 group date. If you go on a one on one and do not get a rose, you get the van ride home. If you do not get a one-on-date, you cannot sleep with production staff. Oh, and as part of our new hire program, meet our new totally homosexual male crew. Good luck getting anything other than decorating ideas, ladies!"
Vienna gets the first one-on-one date, "Let's fall head over heels". Oooh!! It's a heels behind your ears date!! SWEEEEET.
MEEEOOOOOWWWW. Claws are out on this one-on-one.
Jake (aka PILOT) arrives with his motorcycle and Vienna is ready and appropriately dressed sans prom gown. Off on the bike to Jake's house. Apparently she doesn't get to go inside. What's this?? Oh! They still have time left over on last week's helicopter ride! Up they go, and they land on a bridge where bungee cords are set up. So, clearly in addition to a virgin or someone with few dating experiences, Jake is looking for a woman with good bladder control.
The whole jumping thing is ridunculous. V: "I'm soooo scared" J: "me tooo me tooooo". On and freaking on. Why not just skip to the drinks portion of the date?? Jake goes freaking on and on about "overcoming a fear together is great for couples building...blah blah blah...I need to know that I can draw strength from my future wife". So, in order to test that part, he basically fakes a panic attack. LAME. They jump. Then she gets a kiss at the end of the rope hanging upside down. The night continues to dinner but I just can't stomach it anymore. Bottom line, she didn't shit herself so she gets a rose.
Next morning, it's the group date invitation. Man, I hope Jake isn't really designing these dates because they are FREAKING lame. 8 women go with him to the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club. I didn't realize Lovitz was still alive. Michelle is PISSED cause she wanted a one on one. Jon Lovitz comes in announces that the ladies are going to do comedy. Lots of freaking out. Ashleigh is crying, so Jake gives her a joke.
Back at the ranch, Ella gets the next one on one envelope, "Let's lift off to another world". OMG, I think NASA is going to let Jake take the Space Shuttle out. Gia gets no date this week, nor does someone else but I can't remember all their names. The blondes are confusing the hell out of me. Vienna goes on and on about how much she will enjoy her date with Jake, cause Jake is just so wonderful and makes you feel like you are the next Mrs. Jake Pilot. This pisses Gia off. Drama enfolds, everyone is pissed off at Vienna.
Bad comedy back at the club. Jessie, I think, makes a joke about her family being too fat to know if they were greek. That'll work! Tenley for some reason lays down and puts her ankles behind her ears. Now we're talking!! Elizabeth the non-kisser, gets up and tells filthy jokes. Very weird. Michelle gets up and bombs, says, wonder why there are no coconuts on the trees? Cause I have them down my shirt. And, makes some strange golf joke about "Waiting for my hole to get a one-on-one". WOW. Seriously, you can't make this shit up!
Corey gets up and basically rips on everyone, Tenley for being a work out nut, Catherine, and finally she goes bonkers on Vienna. Totally rips her, and Jake doesn't like that.
Ashleigh finally gets up and does blonde jokes. Which, apparently Jake knows a lot of.
Afterwards, they have a "wrap" party. GAY. Tenley gets her one on one time, tells Jake that she was married to the only man she ever slept with, and he left her. Boohooo. Jake gives her a pity kiss.
Ashleigh uses her time to continue to bag on Vienna. Tells Jake that everyone was mad that he gave the ho a rose. She tells him Vienna came home from her date and gabbed all about the intimate details, makes her a controversy. Jake isn't to happy with this litter box scratching. Meanwhile, back at the house, Gia and Vienna are still going at it. Vienna cries herself to sleep, boohoo, everyone hates me. EXCEPT JAKE!!
Ali is all upset that he has ignored her since their date, and she put out, which used to really bug me when I was single. She gets some one on one time, and smooth operator that he is, Jake starts right off apologizing for ignoring her. Ahhhh, KISS. Then she starts bagging on Vienna.
On the couch, everyone's happy that Vienna got bagged on by Corey, they toast but Michelle doesn't join in. "What is your freaking problem, psycho??" Michelle goes on some rant about wanting a husband REALLY BADLY, and also wanting to kiss Jake in a crazy, tongue in your mouth, ripping out handfuls of hair, humping his thigh way. It is really freaky.
She gets her one on one time and man, it is a sight! She is all, I want a husband crazy!! Ladies, this tactic does not work!!! Watch and learn. She asks for a kiss, and gets a kiss, but tells him, "that sucked it, it wasn't enough cause my clothes are still on." She threatens to leave again (she's packed up like 3 times already) and he tells her, that would probably be a good idea.
Jake returns to the couch and tells the ho's, I have a headache, I just kissed a witch, and none of you Vienna baggers are gonna get the rose.
Next morning, Ella's date. It's a makeup date for her missed birthday. The required date helicopter arrives at the house and whisks them off to Sea World. Ok, at this point I was yelling at the TV, "Noooooooo, don't involve the child in this.............. Please!! There should be laws against this............" And, just like that her son runs over clutching that friggin airplane. Here little boy, have an airplane while I molest your mom, who I met 2 weeks ago. UGH. It's a family fun date with Shamu and other cute animals. Hands up, who else was hoping the kid threw up on Jake so he would get the clue about fatherhood?? WHATEVER. He's falling for her kid I think. She gets the rose.
Next night, Cocktail party time. It's the Elizabeth crazy show. Jake calls her (in his head) the Queen of the Mixed Signals. Funny, it used to be called cock tease when I was in school. Do you wanna kiss me? I'm a good kisser. You should want to kiss me. He basically tells her she is confusing, and he is never gonna give the expensive Harry Winston ring that ABC is gonna buy for him to give someone he has never....kissed. It starts getting uncomfortable and Vienna interrupts. AND SHE ALREADY HAS A ROSE. Major faux pas. She cries to Jake, "It's soooo hard here, I'm not a bad person, but these sluts are crazy". She gets a cheek kiss. Hmmmmm. Are his feelings for her changing??
The other girls are all pissed and tell her so. Ali confronts Vienna AGAIN. Elizabeth is crying, telling people that Jake is pressuring HER for a kiss. She goes back to confront Jake. She's pissed. More of the kiss bullshit. You can tell Jake is not into it at all. Fortunately, Chris comes and saves the day.
Roses tonight go to...
Vienna-Donna
Gia-Karen
Tenley-Cindy R
Ella-Lori M
Cory-Betty
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Catherine-Greta
Ali-Tess
Off to the herpes clinic
Valecia-Lori K
Crazy Michelle-Irene
Elizabeth-Elayne
Ashley-Sara
Christina-Stephanie
Slutty Spice-Wendy
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Bachelor Week 2: Jake Hears a Ho
Ok, so this episode begins with Chris explaining how the date thing works. Really? Is that necessary since most of these ho's wrote in to be on the show after watching last season. "You'll go on group dates, and individual dates. Take advantage of your time with Jake, aka, put out early and often".
First group date: Roz, Gia, Christina, Ashleigh H, Valecia, Corey. "A picture is worth a thousand words". Everyone screams at every word. Jake arrives with a strange blue shirt unbuttoned too far. Into the limo, more mimosas. They go to the Shangra la hotel in Santa Monica where Jake's totally gay friend arrives to do a photo shoot with the girls. It's America's Next On the Top Model. He's a fashion director for Instyle. Apparently Instyle is the fashion bible. Who knew?
No shirt-drink.
Roz is a model, she usually does bridal magazines. Gia is a swimsuit model. Christina is freaaaaaking out. Roz shows her "full cha cha" in the picture. Niiiiiice. Christina is still freaking out. Seriously, if she says it again I will kill her. Jake comes in to help her out.
Damn this date is not over yet. And, there is still the rose for the women to scrap for. "Wrap Party" by the pool. Jake pulls Gia away. He asks her about her prior relationships. Man, I haven't even asked that of my husband! Ashleigh interrupts in a bikini. Gia is forgotten.
No shirt-drink
Into the pool for some crotch rubbing. Uh oh, Jake, the water is cold...listen to the shrivel. Everyone into the pool! Christina one on one. She is already in lurve. She is also drunk. Roz interrupts. They go up to the roof. "You're obviously a pro.....at photos". She sucks on his face for a while. He thinks she is mysterious. She gets the rose. Christina cries.
Back at the house. Mail. It's a one on one date, with a necklace. Everyone screams again. No name. Crazy Michelle is hyperventilating.
The next morning, doorbell. "Ali, come fly with me". She is wearing a yellow prom dress for some freaking reason. With high heels, on Jake's motorcycle. He's wearing jeans and a Tshirt. They go to the airport, CAUSE JAKE IS A PILOT (ding). Ali hates to fly. Shit, they play the "on the wings of love" music. Seriously, give it it a freaking break. Part two of the date is in Palm Springs and has a convertible, and they drive up to a Polo field for dinner. I'm guessing her spike heels are messing up the field. She has baby teeth, it's freaky. "How many serious relationships have you had?" What is he trying to find out? Virgin status?? She gets the rose. Then Chicago does a private concert for them.
Doorbell, second group date. Eliz, Jessie, Catherine, Ashley, Vienna. "Love has its Ups and Downs". No date for Michelle and Ella. Michelle is pissed. They go to Magic Mountain and get to ride all of the rides. Yawn.
Back at the house, Crazy Michelle is packing up to leave. Because she didn't get a date.
Elizabeth steals him a way. Oh, christ, she wants to read him a note she wrote for him. How 5th grade! "Don't kiss me unless you want to kiss only me for the rest of our lives". Well, that's certainly a different strategy. Apparently Magic Mountain now serves martini's. Might have to reconsider going...
Vienna steals him away. She is kinda ugly. Has a secret to tell him. She was engaged to her pastor's son when she was like 15, she broke it off and he married someone else a month later. She ran off and got married, then divorced 4 months later. Ashley interrupts before she finishes. Ashley is getting a PhD. Riiiiiight. She gives him the kiss me face and he ignores it. It's rose time, and Elizabeth gets it, cause she didn't put out. Everyone else leaves and they have alone time on a park bench. She is a total tease. He kisses her forehead, and fireworks go off. CHEESY. LOL-the girls in the limo have to watch them out the back of the limo.
Coming up, BIG DRAAAAAAMMMMMMAAAAA.
Cocktail party-"Roz isn't worried cause she has a rose, biatch". He steals Ella away because the day before was her birthday. He brings her a cupcake. He asks her about her son, tells her he likes him already cause he wants to be a pilot. She gets a hug. Tenley is up next. She also didn't get a rose. Jesus, another divorced one. Is this an epidemic this season?? He tells her, "it seems you have had a pretty good dating history". How weird is that. But, she forgets to tell him about the divorce.
Crazy Michelle is being crazy. Vienna calls her Debbie Downer, LOL. She uses her one on one to tell him she packed her bags because she didn't get a date. "I'm going to always be honest (and crazy) with you". They get interrupted and she walks away. Whoever called her a bunny killer is so right!
UGH, I can't keep writing about all of these one on one moments. And fortunately, Chris comes in and asks to see Roz. HERE COMES THE DRAMA!!!!!. Chris confronts her about screwing one of the producers. He's fired, and she's gone. She says, "so you don't think there are any other girls that had boyfriends in the past??" Chris, "You met him here and "dated" him here" "I don't think my personal life is anyone's business". Hahahahahah, you're on a show to find a husband, idiot. He gives her the boot, tells her to pack. HAHAHAHAHAH-my favorite line, "There's a van waiting for you". NOOOOO LIMO ON THE WAY OUT, SKANK.
The girls are all wigged out. Security comes in to help her pack. Chris steals Jake away, Chris is kinda cracking up telling Jake.
"Don't tell me Roz is gone"
"She entered into an inappropriate relationship with a staffer. Doing the deed, humping, boffing, playing hide the salami, you getting it??"
"You're kidding me!!"
"Can I get my rose back??" (which is a funny question, really)
"I wanna hear you tell the other ho's."
Jake is upset, thinks he might have been taken for a fool. LOL-does he not get the whole point on why this show is ridiculous?
Slutty Spice is still packing. I wonder if the jig was up when she flashed her crotch, and someone else's name was tattoo'd on it?
Everyone's freaking. Jake and Chris come back in. Chris spills the beans. Tells them that Roz was screwing a member of the staff. I was kinda hoping that someone would say, "it wasn't the tall dude was it? Cause he told me I was the only one he was screwing". The girls are all sad. I would have been like, "YES!!!!" . Jake tells them, "she looked in my eyes and she told me that she was here for me". Sniff sniff. Before we continue, who else is a ho? Hmmm, lots of averted eyes.
Rose Ceremony: Will you accept this rose?
Vienna-Donna
Gia-Karen
Tenley-Cindy R
Ella-Lori M
Valecia-Lori K
Cory-Betty
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Crazy Michelle-Irene
Catherine-Greta
Elizabeth-Elayne
Ali-Tess
No rose
Ashley-Sara
Christina-Stephanie
Slutty Spice-but she did get a nice case of herpes.-Wendy
First group date: Roz, Gia, Christina, Ashleigh H, Valecia, Corey. "A picture is worth a thousand words". Everyone screams at every word. Jake arrives with a strange blue shirt unbuttoned too far. Into the limo, more mimosas. They go to the Shangra la hotel in Santa Monica where Jake's totally gay friend arrives to do a photo shoot with the girls. It's America's Next On the Top Model. He's a fashion director for Instyle. Apparently Instyle is the fashion bible. Who knew?
No shirt-drink.
Roz is a model, she usually does bridal magazines. Gia is a swimsuit model. Christina is freaaaaaking out. Roz shows her "full cha cha" in the picture. Niiiiiice. Christina is still freaking out. Seriously, if she says it again I will kill her. Jake comes in to help her out.
Damn this date is not over yet. And, there is still the rose for the women to scrap for. "Wrap Party" by the pool. Jake pulls Gia away. He asks her about her prior relationships. Man, I haven't even asked that of my husband! Ashleigh interrupts in a bikini. Gia is forgotten.
No shirt-drink
Into the pool for some crotch rubbing. Uh oh, Jake, the water is cold...listen to the shrivel. Everyone into the pool! Christina one on one. She is already in lurve. She is also drunk. Roz interrupts. They go up to the roof. "You're obviously a pro.....at photos". She sucks on his face for a while. He thinks she is mysterious. She gets the rose. Christina cries.
Back at the house. Mail. It's a one on one date, with a necklace. Everyone screams again. No name. Crazy Michelle is hyperventilating.
The next morning, doorbell. "Ali, come fly with me". She is wearing a yellow prom dress for some freaking reason. With high heels, on Jake's motorcycle. He's wearing jeans and a Tshirt. They go to the airport, CAUSE JAKE IS A PILOT (ding). Ali hates to fly. Shit, they play the "on the wings of love" music. Seriously, give it it a freaking break. Part two of the date is in Palm Springs and has a convertible, and they drive up to a Polo field for dinner. I'm guessing her spike heels are messing up the field. She has baby teeth, it's freaky. "How many serious relationships have you had?" What is he trying to find out? Virgin status?? She gets the rose. Then Chicago does a private concert for them.
Doorbell, second group date. Eliz, Jessie, Catherine, Ashley, Vienna. "Love has its Ups and Downs". No date for Michelle and Ella. Michelle is pissed. They go to Magic Mountain and get to ride all of the rides. Yawn.
Back at the house, Crazy Michelle is packing up to leave. Because she didn't get a date.
Elizabeth steals him a way. Oh, christ, she wants to read him a note she wrote for him. How 5th grade! "Don't kiss me unless you want to kiss only me for the rest of our lives". Well, that's certainly a different strategy. Apparently Magic Mountain now serves martini's. Might have to reconsider going...
Vienna steals him away. She is kinda ugly. Has a secret to tell him. She was engaged to her pastor's son when she was like 15, she broke it off and he married someone else a month later. She ran off and got married, then divorced 4 months later. Ashley interrupts before she finishes. Ashley is getting a PhD. Riiiiiight. She gives him the kiss me face and he ignores it. It's rose time, and Elizabeth gets it, cause she didn't put out. Everyone else leaves and they have alone time on a park bench. She is a total tease. He kisses her forehead, and fireworks go off. CHEESY. LOL-the girls in the limo have to watch them out the back of the limo.
Coming up, BIG DRAAAAAAMMMMMMAAAAA.
Cocktail party-"Roz isn't worried cause she has a rose, biatch". He steals Ella away because the day before was her birthday. He brings her a cupcake. He asks her about her son, tells her he likes him already cause he wants to be a pilot. She gets a hug. Tenley is up next. She also didn't get a rose. Jesus, another divorced one. Is this an epidemic this season?? He tells her, "it seems you have had a pretty good dating history". How weird is that. But, she forgets to tell him about the divorce.
Crazy Michelle is being crazy. Vienna calls her Debbie Downer, LOL. She uses her one on one to tell him she packed her bags because she didn't get a date. "I'm going to always be honest (and crazy) with you". They get interrupted and she walks away. Whoever called her a bunny killer is so right!
UGH, I can't keep writing about all of these one on one moments. And fortunately, Chris comes in and asks to see Roz. HERE COMES THE DRAMA!!!!!. Chris confronts her about screwing one of the producers. He's fired, and she's gone. She says, "so you don't think there are any other girls that had boyfriends in the past??" Chris, "You met him here and "dated" him here" "I don't think my personal life is anyone's business". Hahahahahah, you're on a show to find a husband, idiot. He gives her the boot, tells her to pack. HAHAHAHAHAH-my favorite line, "There's a van waiting for you". NOOOOO LIMO ON THE WAY OUT, SKANK.
The girls are all wigged out. Security comes in to help her pack. Chris steals Jake away, Chris is kinda cracking up telling Jake.
"Don't tell me Roz is gone"
"She entered into an inappropriate relationship with a staffer. Doing the deed, humping, boffing, playing hide the salami, you getting it??"
"You're kidding me!!"
"Can I get my rose back??" (which is a funny question, really)
"I wanna hear you tell the other ho's."
Jake is upset, thinks he might have been taken for a fool. LOL-does he not get the whole point on why this show is ridiculous?
Slutty Spice is still packing. I wonder if the jig was up when she flashed her crotch, and someone else's name was tattoo'd on it?
Everyone's freaking. Jake and Chris come back in. Chris spills the beans. Tells them that Roz was screwing a member of the staff. I was kinda hoping that someone would say, "it wasn't the tall dude was it? Cause he told me I was the only one he was screwing". The girls are all sad. I would have been like, "YES!!!!" . Jake tells them, "she looked in my eyes and she told me that she was here for me". Sniff sniff. Before we continue, who else is a ho? Hmmm, lots of averted eyes.
Rose Ceremony: Will you accept this rose?
Vienna-Donna
Gia-Karen
Tenley-Cindy R
Ella-Lori M
Valecia-Lori K
Cory-Betty
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Crazy Michelle-Irene
Catherine-Greta
Elizabeth-Elayne
Ali-Tess
No rose
Ashley-Sara
Christina-Stephanie
Slutty Spice-but she did get a nice case of herpes.-Wendy
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
The Bachelor: On the Wings of Lurve
The newest season of one man, many women not having sex started last night. And, like so many times in the past, this season's Bachelor is a reject.
Bachelor Jake is a pilot. And he flies planes, and, um, he's also a pilot. In fact, pilotpilotpilotpilotpilotpilotpilot. That just about sums up the first 15 minutes of the show. Oh, and he rides motorcycles at sunset apparently, which makes him, really, TOM CRUISE IN TOP FREAKIN GUN. So, forget that he probably really flies the commuter flight between LA and SF 5 times a day, on a filthy dirty germ infested US AIR plane. He's now a FIGHTER PILOT. Top Gun. Sexxxxxyyyyyyy pilot.
He's also clothing impaired, and can't seem to be able to button his shirt or keep it on much. In fact, I am hereby instituting the following drinking game:
1 shot whenever he wears no shirt
2 shots whenever someone says "a connection"
3 shots whenever a truly DRAMATIC event occurs this season.
Seriously, it will help because in addition to being a PILOT, Jake is a really dull person. In fact, he admitted to Chris that he rarely gets a second date. WOW. Something to brag about! He's either terribly boring, smells or has a little date rape problem. In any case, there are 25 ho's from around the country (and Cambodia) dying for a chance at true lurve.
Jake is 31 and is looking "to find love again", although it is not clear he has ever experienced it. He is looking for a 'TRADITIONAL" marriage. So, ladies, if you want to be on top, you are SOL.
But enough about Jake, let's meet the 25 Ho's, or more correctly, the 18 they decided to highlight, the rest not being worth the time apparently.
The Women
Ali: her last boyfriend cheated on her with her roommate. She is going to love living in a house with 15 women hot for her man (+)
Alexa: She's also into motorcycles. She says this in her interview and also wears very weird black gloves to meet Jake. (X)
Tenley: She's a dancer with a horribly annoying voice. She was a virgin when she got married (WHAT??) but "there was infidelity in the marriage (which usually means she's the cheater) so she got out of that starter marriage, had the hymen replacement surgery and is now good to go on TV. (+)
Elizabeth (DC) is a Captain in the DC National Guard. She is what is known I believe as a professional pilot ho. (X)
Rozlyn is a model. Enough said. (+)
Christina is a guys girl (aka a ho you share). She brings candies to the other girls to give out as parting gifts. Meeeooooooowwww (+)
Vienna, like the sausages. She has no job, but she loves herself. She also has bit tits, a little dog that wears matching outfits, and is very spoiled. (+)
Ashley is a teacher. Apparently her mom is a shopaholic who buys her lots of sexy lingerie. (+)
Elizabeth is from Nebraska and is jealous (+)
Ella is a Knoxville hairstylist with really bad hair. She also has a son. Oh, and she is crazy. (+)
Gia. Ok, she said she was a dancer, former pageant girl, a swimsuit model and apparently owns a hair salon. She has only ever had 3 boyfriends. (+)
Kimberly is an NBA dancer (X)
Emily: "fit" model. No freakin idea what that is. (X)
Tiana is 31 years old, which they make a big stinking deal about, but never acknowledge that Jake, the pilot, is also 31. But he's a man so it's OK. (X)
Caitlyn is another pageant chick. (X)
Kirsten, they barely mention (X)
Michelle: she is totally crazy. (+)
The Jake Interview
A little one on one time for Jake and Chris. Chris asks Jake, "you really are risking it all for love" aren't you? What is he risking?? He's already been a tool on the Bachelorette.
Jake:
-wants a wife for the stormy days (I guess you can't be a pilot on the stormy days)
-is a bad first date
-has to think if he fell in love with someone who doesn't fly if he would give up flying for lurve. Stupid. If you marry a woman who doesn't do math, do you freakin stop being an accountant?
The Outside the Mansion Meet and Greet
Ali gives Jake a peacock feather. No idea why.
Tenley is already in love
Kathryn is wearing this strange fairy dress
Alexa is wearing black gloves. Says it's cause she's a Harley rider but I just think she didn't want Jake to see her claws on the first night
Valishia brings some Texas soil
Channy is Cambodian and is wearing this really bad gold dress
Stephanie is apparently wearing the same bad gold dress! She's a dance teacher and wants to give him lessons. "Yea, come find me inside"
Shelia is also an aviator. No freaking clue what that means but her bio says, "commercial pilot". Probably flies for UPS. He wants nothing to do with another pilot. Cause, he is TOP GUN.
Inside Meet and Mingle, and Drink LOTS
Yes, there is a first impression rose. Game on.
Ali gets the first one on one. She lost her voice yelling 'OMG JAKE IS A PILOT" out the window of the limo for the last 10 miles. She doesn't fly.
Jake, what are your top 3 priorities? God, family and friends in that order. Jeez. This dude is gonna get on my nerves. I guess he told god to close his eyes for the next couple of months.
Channy, who is Cambodian, tells him "you can land your plane on my landing strip anytime". Uhuh. Anytime you want to go to Brazil wink wink.
Ella goes to find him. She's kinda crazy. "I have a 7 year old (virgin birth), and when I told him I was going to go on national TV and hoar myself out to find him a new daddy, he made you a plane". "Um, do you want more spawn?" "Oh yea, especially PILOT spawn"
Ashley changes into a stewardess uniform. Oh, my bad, a flight attendant uniform. The other girls do not like that.
Elizabeth makes him play football which brings out all the other women for a little game.
Kathryn has a ring on her left hand. She's a flight attendant and always has to wear a fake engagement ring to keep the men away. Riight. See, I don't even wear my wedding ring and I get nothing.
Stephanie teaches him to dance, Michelle is crazy and is losing it. "Why are all of these other womens flirting with my future husband??" She steals him away and tells him, "I am here to fall in love, have your kids and be your co-pilot". Wait, isn't God his co-pilot??
And, just in case you think NONE OF THESE RELATIONSHIPS EVER WORK, Jillian and Ed come in to interview the women.
Tenley gets the first kiss. She's only been with one man before. Bing, that gets you a first impression rose!
Rose Ceremony
Ella
Elizabeth from Nebraska
Ali
Vienna Sausage
Christina
Gia
Ashley
Roslyn
Jessie (who I have never seen before)
Corrie (also never saw her)
Valeshia
Ashleigh
Kathryn
OMG, Michelle CRAZY girl
The rest of you trollops can get your stuff and get the hell out.
Bachelor Jake is a pilot. And he flies planes, and, um, he's also a pilot. In fact, pilotpilotpilotpilotpilotpilotpilot. That just about sums up the first 15 minutes of the show. Oh, and he rides motorcycles at sunset apparently, which makes him, really, TOM CRUISE IN TOP FREAKIN GUN. So, forget that he probably really flies the commuter flight between LA and SF 5 times a day, on a filthy dirty germ infested US AIR plane. He's now a FIGHTER PILOT. Top Gun. Sexxxxxyyyyyyy pilot.
He's also clothing impaired, and can't seem to be able to button his shirt or keep it on much. In fact, I am hereby instituting the following drinking game:
1 shot whenever he wears no shirt
2 shots whenever someone says "a connection"
3 shots whenever a truly DRAMATIC event occurs this season.
Seriously, it will help because in addition to being a PILOT, Jake is a really dull person. In fact, he admitted to Chris that he rarely gets a second date. WOW. Something to brag about! He's either terribly boring, smells or has a little date rape problem. In any case, there are 25 ho's from around the country (and Cambodia) dying for a chance at true lurve.
Jake is 31 and is looking "to find love again", although it is not clear he has ever experienced it. He is looking for a 'TRADITIONAL" marriage. So, ladies, if you want to be on top, you are SOL.
But enough about Jake, let's meet the 25 Ho's, or more correctly, the 18 they decided to highlight, the rest not being worth the time apparently.
The Women
Ali: her last boyfriend cheated on her with her roommate. She is going to love living in a house with 15 women hot for her man (+)
Alexa: She's also into motorcycles. She says this in her interview and also wears very weird black gloves to meet Jake. (X)
Tenley: She's a dancer with a horribly annoying voice. She was a virgin when she got married (WHAT??) but "there was infidelity in the marriage (which usually means she's the cheater) so she got out of that starter marriage, had the hymen replacement surgery and is now good to go on TV. (+)
Elizabeth (DC) is a Captain in the DC National Guard. She is what is known I believe as a professional pilot ho. (X)
Rozlyn is a model. Enough said. (+)
Christina is a guys girl (aka a ho you share). She brings candies to the other girls to give out as parting gifts. Meeeooooooowwww (+)
Vienna, like the sausages. She has no job, but she loves herself. She also has bit tits, a little dog that wears matching outfits, and is very spoiled. (+)
Ashley is a teacher. Apparently her mom is a shopaholic who buys her lots of sexy lingerie. (+)
Elizabeth is from Nebraska and is jealous (+)
Ella is a Knoxville hairstylist with really bad hair. She also has a son. Oh, and she is crazy. (+)
Gia. Ok, she said she was a dancer, former pageant girl, a swimsuit model and apparently owns a hair salon. She has only ever had 3 boyfriends. (+)
Kimberly is an NBA dancer (X)
Emily: "fit" model. No freakin idea what that is. (X)
Tiana is 31 years old, which they make a big stinking deal about, but never acknowledge that Jake, the pilot, is also 31. But he's a man so it's OK. (X)
Caitlyn is another pageant chick. (X)
Kirsten, they barely mention (X)
Michelle: she is totally crazy. (+)
The Jake Interview
A little one on one time for Jake and Chris. Chris asks Jake, "you really are risking it all for love" aren't you? What is he risking?? He's already been a tool on the Bachelorette.
Jake:
-wants a wife for the stormy days (I guess you can't be a pilot on the stormy days)
-is a bad first date
-has to think if he fell in love with someone who doesn't fly if he would give up flying for lurve. Stupid. If you marry a woman who doesn't do math, do you freakin stop being an accountant?
The Outside the Mansion Meet and Greet
Ali gives Jake a peacock feather. No idea why.
Tenley is already in love
Kathryn is wearing this strange fairy dress
Alexa is wearing black gloves. Says it's cause she's a Harley rider but I just think she didn't want Jake to see her claws on the first night
Valishia brings some Texas soil
Channy is Cambodian and is wearing this really bad gold dress
Stephanie is apparently wearing the same bad gold dress! She's a dance teacher and wants to give him lessons. "Yea, come find me inside"
Shelia is also an aviator. No freaking clue what that means but her bio says, "commercial pilot". Probably flies for UPS. He wants nothing to do with another pilot. Cause, he is TOP GUN.
Inside Meet and Mingle, and Drink LOTS
Yes, there is a first impression rose. Game on.
Ali gets the first one on one. She lost her voice yelling 'OMG JAKE IS A PILOT" out the window of the limo for the last 10 miles. She doesn't fly.
Jake, what are your top 3 priorities? God, family and friends in that order. Jeez. This dude is gonna get on my nerves. I guess he told god to close his eyes for the next couple of months.
Channy, who is Cambodian, tells him "you can land your plane on my landing strip anytime". Uhuh. Anytime you want to go to Brazil wink wink.
Ella goes to find him. She's kinda crazy. "I have a 7 year old (virgin birth), and when I told him I was going to go on national TV and hoar myself out to find him a new daddy, he made you a plane". "Um, do you want more spawn?" "Oh yea, especially PILOT spawn"
Ashley changes into a stewardess uniform. Oh, my bad, a flight attendant uniform. The other girls do not like that.
Elizabeth makes him play football which brings out all the other women for a little game.
Kathryn has a ring on her left hand. She's a flight attendant and always has to wear a fake engagement ring to keep the men away. Riight. See, I don't even wear my wedding ring and I get nothing.
Stephanie teaches him to dance, Michelle is crazy and is losing it. "Why are all of these other womens flirting with my future husband??" She steals him away and tells him, "I am here to fall in love, have your kids and be your co-pilot". Wait, isn't God his co-pilot??
And, just in case you think NONE OF THESE RELATIONSHIPS EVER WORK, Jillian and Ed come in to interview the women.
Tenley gets the first kiss. She's only been with one man before. Bing, that gets you a first impression rose!
Rose Ceremony
Ella
Elizabeth from Nebraska
Ali
Vienna Sausage
Christina
Gia
Ashley
Roslyn
Jessie (who I have never seen before)
Corrie (also never saw her)
Valeshia
Ashleigh
Kathryn
OMG, Michelle CRAZY girl
The rest of you trollops can get your stuff and get the hell out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
