Survivor: Outwitted and Outplayed!

Yes, I have missed a few updates!  Reed is out, as is Alec.  Natalie flipped her vote from Keith to Alec at the last tribal because she wanted to use Keith to get rid of Jon.  Following tribal she's all "I thought you said I was supposed to vote Alec not Keith".  She sells it pretty convincingly but Jon believes it's all ok.

Natalie tells Keith what she did in switching her vote, and she explains she wants to align with him and Missy/Baylor to get rid of Jon.  He's like 33 days and I finally get an offer!  He's totally down with getting rid of "Mr and Mrs Prom Queen".  

Reward challenge.  They're divided into 2 teams, belted together and for some reason it's a horse theme.  They have to crawl through hay, then go over/under a hitching post thing, grab a bucket and water and carry it over a giant mesh teeter totter, which is kinda scary.  They fill another bucket, opening a gate and , WAIT FOR IT, they have to do a puzzle.  It's Keith, Missy and Jon vs Baylor, Jac and Natalie.  Wanna know?  A spa day with spa food.  

During the challenge Missy falls a couple of time but really twists her ankle.  Keith and Jon kind of carry her through and they get behind.  The girls get to the puzzle first but don't work as well together.  Keith, Jon and Missy win the challenge. They're dancing around all happy and Jac gets mad because she lost.  And, being the giant pussy that he is, Jon says, "did I say I was going?"  He gives his spot to Baylor so they can have a mother daughter bonding experience,  Natalie gets sent to Exile, and I'm guessing the love birds have a bit of dirty sex back at camp.

At the spa, Missy's ankle is really swollen.  Keith tells her "that ain't good".  The spa food is pretty good, Keith even finds some bacon.  "Don't fill up on that rabbit food, Baylor".  Keith is pretty funny and Baylor starts to like him.  Keith gets a shower finally-30 days of funk gone.  He enjoys the massage but "I don't want the guys at the fire station to know about the extra curricular activities".  

Jon and Jac discuss Natalie's screw up.  Jon, ever concerned about the jury, plans to "make sure the jury knows".  Jac is wondering if maybe Natalie and Keith have something up their sleeve but Jon is convinced Natalie would never flip.  He'd never be outwitted by a female.  

On Exile, Natalie misses her sister.

Immunity Challenge- Keith and Baylor basically carry Missy in.  Natalie comes in and they give her a bowl of rice right away.  Missy says she isn't gonna quit but Jeff has the always Australian medical team come take a look at her ankle.  He says it might be broken but they'd have to pull her from the game for an Xray. Remind me again, did they NOT take other people out for Xrays, and then return them or pull them permanently??  Wasn't there a girl with a broken wrist on day 1?  It's totally random and it pisses me off.  Anyway, they decide to immobilize her ankle so she can stay in.   Baylor says she's a fighter.  

The challenge is to stand on little blocks on yet another teeter totter, hold on to handles and balance a vase.  AND THERE'S A LOT OF WIND.  "Out of nowhere mother nature saying hello".  Someone should write a book of stupid Probst comments.  Jac is of course first out.  She wouldn't even be this far without Jon's assistance.  She's just a useless nasty human being. It comes down to Natalie and Jon and Natalie pulls it out and wins immunity!  

Jon is convinced that Natalie winning makes up for her "mistake", and they have a clear shot at Keith now.  "God has a plan and I have to accept it".  Yea, isn't that always easy to say when you think you're getting everything you want??  

Natalie's plan is to split the votes 2 Jon, 2 Jac and then the Prom couple will vote 2 for Keith.  The re-vote will be just Nat, Baylor and Missy.  She tells Keith to act sad like he's going home.  Jac tells Jon she isn't sure that they aren't trying to blindside him but he's too much of an arrogant prick to  listen to her.  

Baylor tries to talk Missy into the plan but Missy treats Jon like her son and she swears she made him a promise to never vote him off.  She won't break her deal.  Missy is frustrated because her mom is a 3 time man loser and is once again putting a man ahead of her daughter.  "She needs to get with the program".  Missy wants to play "truthfully", a trait that bugs the shit out of me.  BUT, she admits the Jon and Jac show might need to come to an end.  

Tribal

Before he even asks the question, Keith starts saying "I can't pierce these 5, I've tried.  But I do have a vote and they could use me"

Jon mumbles again about the 5 and trust. 

Jac tells Jeff she feels strong about the 5 and that she and Jon aren't going anywhere.  

Natalie admits that she is a 3rd swing vote but the blood is thick with the 2 pairs in her alliance.  She reminds them that she hasn't been there in 2 days due to exile.  

Jon says, "yes my finale speech is prepared."  And then trust/loyalty blah blah blah

Missy agrees that yes, this would be a BIG MOVE TIME, But her foot hurts so apparently she can't think clearly.  Could Keith break the 5 up?  Maybe but I'M LOYAL.

Time to vote.  Any idols?  Nope.  Jac is looking at Jon like he's the idiot that he is.  The vote is.....Keith 2, Jac 2 and Jon 2.  Natalie is ecstatic, as is the jury.  Re-vote and Jon is off!  Jac is not gonna be a happy little Prom Queen!

Jeff:  This game is now wide open.  

2 hour finale tomorrow night!  Who's it gonna be?  I can't believe I'm actually leaning towards Natalie for the win!  Be sure to watch Jon on his first day at Ponderosa.  He still didn't realize Natalie orchestrated the whole thing until Alec tells him!  

Good luck to everyone left in the pool!!!

Survivor Flying Idols!

Sorry. bad weather, the holiday and my Dad kept me from the last update.  Basically Jeremy got the boot because he challenged Jon about having an idol.  I actually had to watch Ponderosa after that one to see how he and Josh were getting along but they seemed good, which  you could see last week with them watching that tribal...but I'm getting ahead of myself.  

Just a warning, tonight I believe there are 2 episodes back to back.  You might need to adjust your DVR.

So.  Natalie was  upset that she didn't know about the blindside.  Jon tells her he has an idol to smooth her trust issues.  She wants to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Keith says he thought Reed was going home so he was surprised.  He says Reed is all smart and knows math (which I assume is knowing how to count to 9 at this point).  Reed can't decide whether to suck up to Jon or get rid of him.  

Challenge.  2 teams with that schoolhouse pick, which I understand less than the rock paper scissor thing.  Guess I didn't play may reindeer games in elementary school.  Mostly huddled near the door waiting to go back inside and learn like a good little geek.  The reward is a half assed salute to Nicaragua and their penchant for training poor little boys for the American baseball racket.  They get to hand out gear and eat baseball food.  

Oh, it's this swim, climb a thing, jump off and grab keys, drag a puzzle and then build a puzzle statue.  

Yellow: Reed, Alec, Jac and Jon who I guess are Siamese twins.  Blue is Missy, Baylor, Natalie and Wes.  Keith isn't picked.  Ironically, they are neck and neck in the physical part and then the blue team totally falls apart trying to use a key.  Yellow wins easily.  Baylor is all upset because Missy hasn't won a challenge.  Reed offers her his spot.  And Wes goes to Exile.  

It's a cute reward, and Missy gets "recharged".  Jon gives some kid a taste of his ice cream and then goes on about how Jac can't have children due to something she was born with and how they're just gonna adopt.  I SWEAR if that shit wasn't said in the private confessional I'd think it was another example of "dude, grandma died???"  First his Dad is dying, and now they can't have kids.  

Reed uses the time to get to Keith who he doesn't think really GETS the game.  He tells him that they are all going to split between him and Wes but he wants to blindside Jon instead using his and Alec's vote.  Keith is like dazzled by the strategy and says, "mmmmmkay".  

Natalie gets Baylor and they run off to find the idol. which Natalie finds.  Natalie wants to keep Jon for one more vote, taking another male out first so that they girls will have the numbers.  She wants Reed to go.

Immunity Challenge.  Holy shit it's LITERALLY a crucifixion challenge, only no nails!  The have to stand on a platform with their arms holding the cross until they drop.  

Jeff comes out after 7 minutes with a bowl of candy.  Which Jon jumps for.  Keith says "he must feel safe..."  

Missy falls out.  More food-milk and cookies for 2.  Baylor and Jac jump off.  

After 45 minutes, it's wings and beer.  Wes jumps off immediately to the disrespect of his Dad.  He calls it CRAZY,  Keith also tells Natalie "there's your whole team sitting over there.  You're fighting for them while the rest of us are fighting for our lives".  

Wes is using his facetime with Jeff to share all kinds of things, like how he ate 58 chicken nuggets in 5 minutes in a Eat'n Nuggets Contest.  What, what?  LOL!  He needs a reality show.  

Keith's feet are purple.  He starts to shake and is out after an hour and 45 minutes.  Alec follows him.  

Wes is now asking Jeff about the time he was on 2 Men making bacon in what totally resembles an old Saturday Night Live skit with Chris Farley playing Wes.  "Remember that time you were on 2 men?  That was great..."

It's down to Natalie and Reed.  Reed looks like he can go on forever.  Natalie asks if there's more food to come.  Jeff is like, now, after 3 hours you'd drop for food?  She says, I'm not leaving except for food.  She requests pizza, wings, cookies and water.  Jeff brings it all out and she drops.  

Reed wins immunity!!!  I'm still in the pool!!!  Neither can move.  Reed slumps into a beautiful split and Jeff has to take the necklace over to him.  

Reed is using Jon's stepping down after 7 minutes to show how overconfident he is. He talks everyone into saying they agree with the 4/3 split but he and Alec, with Wes and Keith are going to vote for Jon.  

Tribal

Jac says she doesn't know if anyone is safe.

Baylor-Josh and Jeremy thought they were safe too.

Jeff asks Keith about no idols being played, and he says "somebody feels comfortable".

Natalie says if she had an idol she would feel like it was a curse and a blessing.

Reed points out that 5 people stepped down in the challenge due to feeling comfortable. He wonders aloud if Keith and Wes have an idol?  

Keith says something and then "stick to the plan"

Jon is like, what?

Reed starts talking behind Jon's back about sticking to the plan, and everyone starts talking to each other about plans and stuff and it's TOTALLY OBVIOUS that there are multiple plans going on.

Missy says it's total chaos.  

Baylor says she feels like it's 3 different carnival mirror effects all at once and "i think I'll follow my gut when I get in to vote".  

They vote.  Natalie tells Jon, "Dude, play your idol!".  He's like, ya think I should???  

Jon ultimately plays his idol, and then Keith takes theirs out and offers it to Wes who says, "it's yours".  Keith plays his idol.   Ultimately, Jon would have gone out if he hadn't listened to Natalie, who totally picked up the drama unfolding.  Wes is unfortunately voted out. Everyone knows Reed and Alec flipped.  

Jeff:  You are playing aggressively and risky, Now that you've started you can never go back......

Survivor: Farts Matter

How on earth did we get to the point where my favorite player this season is a freaking TWINNIE?  I don't like anyone left.  So, in the lead in Jeff uses the work WRINKLE like 4 times, and then Missy discusses THE LATEST WRINKLE.  Scripted much??  

Jeremy's fate was saved last week by the quitting trail mix minx.  JonJac are taking their morning love stroll and wondering, "are we being deceitful?  They both think we're in their alliance.  But taking out Jeremy is a BIG MOVE.  

Reward Challenge:  They're split into 2 teams and have to like, load a cart thing up with heavy puzzle pieces, push it about 10 feet, unload it and build a temple thing, then unlock a statue, hoist it up and raise a flag.  Yea, I was raising the fucking white flag just listening to all of the parts of this challenge.  Wanna know what you're playing for?  The trademarked SURVIVOR TACO BAR party!  Because nothing feels better on a stomach that's only been eating rice and fish than spicy meat and chicken, with some greasy cheese!  Holy man, better grab me a big handful of leaves and go shit in the woods!  (although you know there are porta poties-you don't go twenty whatever seasons without a massive e coli infection.  I mean these people can't make fire.  You think they can dig clean latrines???)  

I'll spare you the details but Keith, troll-boy Wes, Jeremy, Reed, and Natalie win.  Jon gets sent to Exile Island.  

So basically it's a mix of people on different alliances.  Natalie asks if they should strategize like normal people do or just eat.  Wes goes with "just eat".  Keith keeps telling him to slooooow down and enjoy the food but you can't talk to a dog with a possum in his sights.  

Keith goes on this strange rant about how Julie was their pick last tribal and boy howdie were they scrambling trying to come up with SOMEONE ELSE to vote off and weeeeeehaaaaaa were they glad when tribal got canceled.  LOL!  Jeremy says "At least Keith is trying to play the game.  He sucks but he's trying".  

Wes:  "It was all fun and games until it wasn't".  He walks his bloated self off.  Keith tells us "he's a good buy, he ain't never been arrested or nothing".  Ahhh, so now we know how low the bar is in that family.  

Back at camp, Josh is all tippytoes to line up an alliance with more numbers than his bitter rival, Jeremy has.  He decides to take another heavy handed swipe at Baylor.  "I think you owe me at least one vote for saving you".  Baylor decides to go all righteous and points out that he's a Christian, with a minister father and shouldn't expect payback for doing the right thing.  People, people, people,  SURVIVOR IS NOT A CHRISTIAN GAME, AND IS  NOT FOUND IN REVELATIONS.  Either shut up about Christianity on the show or go full out and have Survivor: Christians and Atheists.  Let's finally DUKE THIS THING OUT.  

So anyway, Baylor tells Josh she hears "people" saying that she's riding Josh's coattails.  Which Josh takes as Missy controlling her and gives up on her.  

He next talks to Jac.  "WE ARE TOTALLY VOTING WITH YOU, THAT'S A FACT".  

On Exile, Jon gets a clue to a new idol hidden on EI.  And then he finds it.  Hmmmmm.  Perhaps the cameramen are like my dog who keeps looking at me, and then at the treat jar, then at me, then at the treat jar.....

Back at camp, boys will be boys.  All the women are complaining about the men being crude and rude around them.  Even Jeremy is complaining about it.  They rush in to eat first, and make the women clean up and take out their trash.  Keith totally rags on Baylor, telling her she's lazy and making her get wood.  Alec tells them "hey, keep that fire going girls.  I know Natalie will but the rest on them? "  Jac, Nat and Baylor sit around complaining.  Jac is upset that they act like they already have her vote and don't have to work for it.  Pssst, honey, when you just hang around making out with your boyfriend no one is gonna think you have any gameplay in you.  

Keith tells the guys he's a little worried about Jac.  Nah, she'll do whatever Jon tells her to do and he's with us manly men.  

Immunity Challenge.  It's the remember a sequence of tiles thing.  Jon is out almost immediately because I guess he hasn't eaten in 2 days.  Keith, Wes, a bunch of them get out.  Like, they're not even confused about the ORDER of the symbols, they're holding up symbols THAT AREN'T EVEN BEING USED.  LOL!  It comes down, as all good well scripted dramas do, between Josh and Jeremy, and Jeremy wins immunity.  

Jeremy knows it's all about JonJac.  Josh and company are going for Baylor.  Jac tells Jon that she doesn't like the boys anymore because they were rude to her, several of them were still farting up the taco buffet, and they don't really even talk to her or treat her like they are in an alliance when he's not around.  On the one hand she's right but on the other she is so into hanging with Jon that SHE HERSELF NEVER INTERACTS WITH THE PEOPLE IN HER "ALLIANCE".   Babe, YOU AIN'T WINNING A MILLION DOLLARS.  Let me break it to you.  She also points out that they are much stronger and will win challenges, while they can totally take Baylor and Missy.  

Reed walks up and basically ignores Jac and tells them to vote for Baylor.  Goes on about how much he's missed Jon.  It's kind of awkward.  

Missy tells Keith that he's basically Jon's bitch.  He tells her Baylor is going home next.  Says she's lazy and Missy overcompensates for her and does her work.  They go back and forth about who's the worst parent.  

Jac is still holding pouting and working on Jon.  

Tribal

Jeremy: Yes, genius, I needed immunity

Josh: Whaaaa, I needed it too

Jac: John and me are swing votes.  We've also been so dumb'd down from these hicks we've lost basic grammar

Nat says something about being protective over her original tribe, which I assume means Jon.  She also points out that around camp the guys treated Jac like crap

Jac jumps on that and is PISSED.  They disrespected me, and me and Jon talk and decide things together.  

Missy goes further saying it's like a frat house with the belching, farting and spitting.

Keith says he hasn't heard Wes fart in a bit.  LOL.  Everyone here has gas!  It ain't the Hilton!

Reed says that he's been polite.  He tries to work on JonJac saying the singles will try to pull them apart by voting one of them off.  

Jon says something about abrupt changes being scary.  Or whatever.  

Vote.  

Baylor 5, Josh 6.  Josh, it's time to take your final bow.  

SURVIVOR: Dried Fruit and Nuts

So, we come to the merge!  When apparently the REAL GAMES begin.  But first, a little drama with Keith being upset that he got votes along with Dale.  Missy tells Keith he did it to protect her daughter.  He's done with them, DONE I SAY.  

As an aside, did you know Keith is 53?  Life in the south really is harder.  And is it me or is this a boring season so far?  I mean, the only drama is between a black dude and a white NYC dancer.  And most of that is just bitching about each other behind the camera.  I'm afraid someone's gonna bust out some West Side Story songs any minute!  

Ok, it's MERGE TIME.  They have to take all their gear and hike up to a nice little picnic while the crew cleans up the camps.  Josh and Reed bitch about not getting Jeremy off first. Oh, I mean not VOTING Jeremy off first.  Meanwhile, Jeremy says Josh and Reed are running the show and he wants to CRUSH them.  

Jon and Jac are thrilled for the merge because "no one dates people who don't make the merge.  So now we can keep dating"!  Yay!!!  Awww. their hobbies are both "learning about wine".  How adorable.  Here's all you need to know. Open bottle, fill glass and drink.  There's red, white and crappy pink shit.  It's a beverage people, no need to over think it.  They both talk and decide to "keep their options open" after the merge.  

So, now we will here more drivel about the SIGNIFICANCE OF HAVING OR NOT HAVING YOUR LOVED ONE WITH YOU.  Hey, does anyone know if Jeff still has that crappy talk show?  

And there's food. Question: Was trading everything for that rice wise?  Julie is sad that JR isn't there and she has to watch the other loved ones be loved ones.  Julie, honey, use the time apart to re-evaluate this relationship!  I mean, you're 34.  You've already got the fake boobs and the injected lips.  Do you really want to be known as still a long term girlfriend

 who clearly just had another skin peel?  Think about it, you're personal claim to fame is "creating my company True Glow Spray Tan."  I mean, you didn't even invent the spray tan!  

So it's back to Coyopa beach.  They name the new tribe Hoyopa.  LOL.  Here's HOYOPING this season gets better!  

Jeremy is scrambling.  He has Natalie and Julie but needs to pull in 2 couples.  He talks to Jon.  "Josh is running everything.  Join us and bring Baylor and the divorcee".  

Josh thinks Jeremy is scrambling and he tells Reed they need to get the numbers before he does.  He "reminds" Baylor that he saved her life.  She tells him she'll talk to her momma and get back to him.  Missy isn't going along.  Says, I already hooked up with the single people.  LOL- of COURSE SHE DID.  Baylor feels bad and wants to tell Josh but Mom is like, SUCK IT UP.  

Josh tries working Jon/Jac.  They're in the middle again.  He tells them, "who's going to give 2 Broadway STARS a million dollars?  Jon/Jac think that because they are Broadway stars they may fuck it up.  But they do see the benefit of being with the couples.  You're guaranteed Top 5 and 6.  

Aaaaaaaaaand now the TRAIL MIX caper.  Julie, who has been much photographed laying in the sun (missing that spray tan, arentcha girlfriend) tonight, pocketed some trail mix at the merge partay and the hungry hoards are sniffing around for it.  While she's out eating a dried apricot, they decide to do a bag search (is that unethical??) and they find, steal and eat her stash.  "Selfish  bitch".  "Why does she think she's better than us??"  "Air of entitlement".  WOW!  

Immunity Challenge.  It's actually hard.  Balance a ball on a disk held with 2 ropes.  Balance for 10 minutes, then a longer rope, then another 10 minutes and a second ball is added.  OH AND THE WIND!  OMG THE WIND!  Jeff talks about the WIND for the next 10 minutes.  Hey a belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Jeff!  He turned THE SANE AGE AS KEITH on Nov 4.  Here's another interesting tidbit-he has a net worth of $40 million.  This world is fucked up.  He makes $4 million a year doing 40 days in the jungle basically.  

Jeremy is out very fast.  As is Missy and Julie.  Second round, Reed, Baylor, Alec, Jac and Natalie are out. In the final round, Josh then Jon are out leaving it a father-son competition.  Dad wins!  He still has some juice at the age of 53!  

Jeremy is pissed off at being first out.  "I was out before even JULIE!"  But at least we have the numbers.  

Alec says something snarky about the trail mix and Julie is upset.  She talks to Momma Bear, tells her "my head isn't in the game" -as if that was ever a possibility.  Missy asks her to not quit tonight because they need the numbers, which only makes Julie more upset.  "They are using me...."

Jon says he's done a 180 on the alliance. I guess he can't associate with someone who pockets trail mix.  LOL-dude, you're a financial analyst, you hang around worse criminals every damn day!!  

Hey, WHERE IS JULIE AND HER BAG????  Well, she's talking to Jeff.  "It's SOOOO HAAAAAARD".  " I can't stand being alllloooooooone.  I've had a boyfriend since 3rd grade.  JR and I have been together for 3 yeeeeeaaaaars.  We haven't been apart for more than 4 daaaaaays.  Jeff points out that kids go to summer camp for longer than Survivor.  LOL!!  "I think I'm out.  I'm judged constantly about being vain (check), about my boobs being too big (check and check).  I can't stay just because they need my vote, I can't compromise....something.  Whatever.  Frankly I think she's afraid JR is off bonking the hell out of everything that moves without her there to watch him.  

She quits.  And at camp.....Jeff arrives.  Which is never good.  I have bad news.  Julie is out.  Jeremy shits himself.  "Some of you look sad and some happy"  

Josh: It's a complicated game

Jeremy : it's ridiculous for her to quit

Alec: She had it hard

Jac: She dug herself a hole by stealing food.  Food is HUGE

Jon: She had to face the fact that she is selfish.

The good news?  No one is going home tonight...... DAMMIT!!!  

Survivor: Bye Bye Bigot

Ahhhhhhh.  Gone, gone, gone.  But we'll get there....

After almost getting voted off, Baylor says she's "finally waking up".  Always a good plan on Survivor.  JR wants to know who flipped on their vote?  Josh admits he did because he figured out Baylor was in trouble.  He's losing trust in JR.  

The blue tribe is awaiting a massive rainstorm.  They decide they need an actual roof, so they all get cracking weaving palm leaves (neatly stacked by the electronic fence by the production crew...)  Well, almost all.  Drew decides he isn't a weaver and takes a nap, snoring loudly.  Dale admits he's wup him if he were his son, because they still do that down south.  Natalie is getting all feisty this episode and she rants and rants about Drew.  Even Jeremy is getting into the anti-Drew camp.  

Challenge-Val was voted out. Jeremy is pissed.  He says "y'all need to step it up and stop letting the men over there run the game".  JR explains that he gave Jeremy his word that he'd help Val and he couldn't pull it off.  Josh is like WTF?????  

The challenge is another balance thing, this time on a moving beam while they transfer flat squares.  Wanna know?  It's the Jeff Probst collection of pillows and blankets, available at TARGET.  Or, you can chose the fishing gear from last week.  Yellow decides Keith probably isn't gonna do that well so Keith and Wes go head to head.  Oh, and rock breaks scissors apparently.  

After about 10 minutes of Jeff blathering about fathers and sons, and how the father is getting old (he's fucking my age douchebag) and the son is now ready to step into the dad pants and take over or some such crap.  Except, Jeff, this kid has some strange genetic mutation going on.  

Anyway.  Keith falls once, Wes pulls ahead and wins.  Keith gets all emotional and Jeff jumps on that.  Wes, is he like this at home?  Wes gets all emotional and says, "no, most of the time he's wupping me with a fence post".  They do the bro hug/back slapping thang.  

He sends gay Josh to partay with his father.  Personally I think it's a prelude to Wes coming out........as a broadway dancer.  

Jeremy is pissed at JR.  Julie goes off to cry.  "Y'all don't know John Rocker is!  He's a racist, bigoted ahole."  Natalie wants Julie out.  Julie is all upset about JR now having a target on his back.  The tribe Mom tells her she has to play her game not JR's.  She probably also told her about her 3 divorces and strongly suggested she GET THE HELL OUT NOW.  

And a strange clip of a bird getting knocked over by a wave.  

Over at Exile, it's BARREN AND FULL OF ROCKS.  Actually, I am going to only call it BARREN AND ROCKLESS ISLAND.  They are sharing the clue and both realize that JR and Jeremy might both have idols.  They find some snails to eat and the 2 get along surprisingly well.  "Josh is a good ol boy.  But he's not MY good ol boy.  There ain't gonna be no spooning going on.  We don't have many Josh's in Louisiana".  

JR gets on providing fish to prove his worth. Baylor is scrambling and trying to pull the young guys over to her side to get JR out.  Alec says Baylor is just trying to crawl out of last place.  

Challenge.  It is apparently brought to you by Kinex.  It's this maze thing of bamboo that, in pairs, they have to climb over/under and retrieve a basketball and then sink a basket.  

Jon and Natalie vs Josh and Baylor.  Both miss but finally Jon makes it.

Wes and Alec vs Missy and Julie.  Alec hits Julie intentionally.  Wes makes the shot

Drew and Reed vs JR and Jaclyn.  JR takes a shot at Reed but gets the basket.

Josh and Baylor vs Jeremy and Kelly.  Baylor misses, Jeremy makes the shot for a 2-2 tie.

It all comes down to Wes/Alec and Jon/Natalie.  Wes takes a shot at Natalie, then they both miss.  Jon makes the shot and the yellow tribe wins their 3rd immunity challenge.  Natalie goes full blown twinnie, yelling at JR, calling him a bigot and a racist.  "Classy Natalie".  Julie: they're saying he's a racist because of the Sports Illustrated article.  Dale says they all stand behind him.  JR yells at Natalie "If you were a man I'd knock your teeth down your throat".  Yea, uncool.  Even his GF is trying to get him to shut up.  He says, "let's take the Kinex down and fight".  

Hmmm, Josh thinks maybe JR isn't playing his best game.....

Baylor thinks she's in trouble.  She has no respect for JR.  He's all "Natalie called me a homophobe yet I'm tight with a gay guy" in that classic "some of my best friends are gay/black/whatever" excuse.  JR tries to talk the girls into getting rid of Dale, even though he's gunning for Baylor.  The girls aren't really interested in Dale.  

Josh doesn't think JR is being honest.  JR told him he has an idol but he didn't volunteer that earlier.  Wes and Josh talk, Josh tells him about the idol.  We need to blindside him.  They decide to get Alec in with them and Baylor to blindside JR.  Alec thinks JR is a big asset in the challenges.  Wes tells him JR can't know because he has an idol.  

Tribal

JR-is there fallout with Jeremy?  I promised I'd help Val but she bluffed about her idols and I couldn't save her.  

Wes-I'm not too happy about that secret agreement

Alec-Man, that Natalie was all over JR! 

JR-No idea why, it's not like I'm the leader or anything!

Jaclyn-they were all gunning for me and Baylor to get rid of JR.  It makes me feel like a target if we go into the merge.  However, I feel like there is some shifting in alliances going on...

Wes-is there a big shift happening?  I'm not worried.

Josh-You worried?  Not really but people are being told different things...

Baylor-the most important thing we need to do is GET THE DARK CLOUD OFF OF US.  

Vote.  Anyone wanna play an idol?  Nope. 

Baylor 2....JR 4 votes.  Ahhhhhhhh.  All the best jackasses leave with an idol in their pocket.  

Total blindside.  "Well Played".  Sorry Sellman, you will not be the lucky bastard this season!  

Survivor Update: Back to the Holler, Jane.

Tonigggghhhhhttttt, tonigggghhhhhtttt won't be just aaaaany night, as toniggggghhhhhtttttt Sash is gonna win me the poooooool.


Yo, what up? Can you believe we're already at the end of this loooong, drawn out and frankly not that interesting season? My baby will be flying his military helicopter out to Spring City tonight with that fake wooden vote box tucked tightly in that overly developed biceps arm, with his dark blue shirt on. Mmmmmm.

But first a recap and 2 hours of show tonight. Not to mention the post show where Jeff will RIP into ohnoyoudon't and Kelly.

So, Wednesday night. Sash is all, "i'm in control". Kiss of death, Sash.

Fabio gets his close up: "They think I'm more gullible and stupid than I really am. Next couple of days will be funny when they realize how smart I really am". Um, OR NOT FABIO.

Tree mail comes with a cell phone. Oh, sorry, I am contractually required to say it is a SPRINT CELL PHONE. EVO 4G to be specific. It takes pictures and videos. And, get this, it has a clock!!! "To fill your belly you'll have to be first".

Challenge: I'm calling it almost dark blue. He is such a dimpled little tease. Dear Santa, I have been a very very bad girl...

The winner of today's challenge will set sail, eat a meal...WITH YOUR LOVED ONES who all come running out.

JESUS CHRIST. These moms are so damn young and hot. WTF?? What happened to old ladies being moms??

Chase: mom is young
Fabio: again, young mom
Sash: mom
Dan: son Matthew
Jane's daughter
Holly's husband-"we missed our 25th anniversary for this" Ohhh, good one. Wonder if it's true??

The challenge is: Survivors run into the water for 2 bags of PUZZLE PIECES and then their loved ones solve the word puzzle. Gee, you think the word FAMILY is gonna be in the puzzle??

Dan is really really slow running out to get his puzzle pieces. Fabio and Chase are first in. Chase's mom gets the puzzle, "Family Comes First".
Chase gets to chose someone to go with him. hahaha, Do Not Fuck This One Up. Sash, would you like to come?? LOL. You can also chose another person.......

Chase chooses Holly and her husband. Dan's son is upset, "He's a scumbag". Fabio is all crying because he 'only gets to see his mom twice a year'. Why? Is she in prison?? Get your ASS home to see yo Momma boy.
Back at camp, Fabio is mad, and is having a cry feast. Jane's upset, "he told me he was taking me". "I'm #4 in my alliance"

On the boat, the Survivors are grubbing it. Their loved ones are too grossed out by their smell and probably how scary they are stuffing their faces to eat anything. "Final 3 is right here babeeee". Chase finds the final clue to the immunity idols but they already have them.

Back at camp, it's late and everyone is asleep. Fabio takes on Chase. Chase apologizes but Fabio doesn't buy it.

Day 36. Challenge: Light Blue, He better not be shagging one of those hot mammas.

Survivors will be blindfolded and have to go over/under a hitching post, use their hands to figure out a puzzle and bring back pieces to do some shield thing. It seems hard but I kept thinking there were outlines on the puzzle board? Dan is totally lost in the wilderness. Man, if he is playing the "not a threat and not that smart game" he's a total genius.

Fabio thinks he has it? No, but he redoes it and wins immunity!!! He is a mensa member, I can just feel it.

Fabio tells Chase Jane has to go. He won't do it. Chase, Sash and Holly talk. Jane. Chase doesn't want to do it. So, as I yelled at the TV, LET CHASE VOTE FOR SOMEONE ELSE FOR CHRIST SAKE. Jane walks up to them all, "Is it Dan??" Crickets. "Is it me???" Chase asks the others, "is that what YOU ALL want?" Sash: "We all think you can win it". SHUT THE HELL UP SASH. haha, I think we can safely not count her jury vote for Sash...

Jane goes all nuts, throwing water on the fire. I STARTED IT, I'LL PUT IT OUT. She is one tough old lady. But ya gotta like it.

Tribal, lighter blue. Bah Humbug.

Let's bring in the Jury with mad Benry.

Dan, crazy afternoon? Yes, Jeff, your crew told you right, Jane dashed the fire.
Jane: HELL YEA. I started that fire. There is no loyalty here, they are all liars and backstabbers. End of Story.
Jeff: haha, I think beginning of story...
Jane in full Witches of Macbeth mode: Holly, $1400 stolen shoes, had a 4 way alliance with me, screwed me.
Chase: she was in our alliance but she would have won it all
Jeff, who's next? Dan and Fabio, whichever doesn't get immunity.
Dan and Fabio nod.
Fabio-are you hearing this?? Why not their own alliance?
Jane: Right, why not us 3 vote Holly off??
Dan, That would make sense...
Fabio: It's crazy but, yes it would make sense.
Holly: now, now, we all came here with a plan...
Chase: I'm sooo confused.
Time to vote. Anyone want to play an idol?? Both Chase and Sash almost break their legs to play them. Jane is voted off.
Good luck all tonight, and don't get too upset when SASH wins the moooooola for me.

Survivor Update: Warm and Dry at the Motel 6

Man OH man, was that not the BEST episode of this season??? I mean, C'mon even you men have to admit that a wet Jeff Probst is the best thing EVER. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I had to go back and take a picture of the TV during tribal. Holy hotness!!!!!!!! And, even my husband is happy since I found that Jeff Probst face mask at Halloween. HOURS OF FUN, let me tell you.


So, the show. And, for the record, I don't do rehash. We all paid attention over the many weeks, we don't need to see it all over again. And, frankly, there was too much rehash this week!! yadda yadda yadda, Brenda is gone. Move on.

9 left..... Kelly had no idea what was gonna happen last time around. Kelly is not really that bright. She's upset that Chase, NaO and Sash turned on her.

Holly is all now, one sleeve on, one sleeve off NOT INTO NAO. hahaha. "I didn't listen to Brenda when she was bad mouthing you last tribal, but I shoulda".

Chase and NaO want to blindside Sash. But, alas, today is gonna be about self imploding.

NaO hates rain and cold. Uhuh. I kinda remember some BITCH phys ed teacher, kinda named Miss Cook, who made us go out in the rain. So, SUCK ON IT. She's apparently anemic. hahaha. Kelly is just a pussy and is all crying about the weather. They're both squawking about quitting. Benry and Fabio (aka the brain trust)-Hey, let 'em both quit!!!
NaO must be serious, she gives the idol to Chase.

Medium Blue Challenge: It's a TOTAL CHEESY ASS MOVIE PROMOTION CHALLENGE. Pushing the new Jack Black movie, Gulliver's Travels. And, can I be frank?? Jeff cannot pronounce Gulliver correctly. ACK, a flaw!!!!!!!!!!!!

So the challenge is to drag a giant 8' Gulliver doll through an obstacle course. Wanna know what you're playing for?? The chance to see the movie, and contractually you need to like it, and eat movie shit.
2 Teams: Yellow is Fabio, Sash, Jane and Holly. Blue is Holly, NaO, Chase and Benry. Dan gets to chose and aligns himself with blue. He also gets to sit in a freakishly large chair.

Blue wins. NaO tells my honey she wants to quit. He's pissed ( and maybe not because he promised Mark Burnett a certain # of episodes). Anyone else? Kelly wants to quit too. Honey is really pissed. Ima gonna have to do that back flip thing he likes to cheer him up.

Jeff: NaO, you don't seem like a quitter...and Kelly, you gonna walk away too?? He ain't happy, gives them this afternoon to think about it. IN THE MEANTIME..... any of you winners (cough cough NaO) want to give up reward for a tarp and more rice for the tribe?? Dead silence. Holly gives it up. Chase tried to tell NaO to do it instead but nope. BITCH.

Back at camp, Holly is the hero. You rock!!! She talks to Kelly, 'you need to suck it up and try harder". Kelly: I'm cold and hungry. Holly: "I got your ass a tarp and rice" Kelly: I got nothing else to suck".

At the Cinema: why eat the damn no protein candy?? Pound the dogs in. Chase is not in the NaO fan club. They all rave about the confy chairs and pretend to like the movie. Benry wants NaO to go now.

Camp: Are Kelly and NaO changing their minds??? The sun is out...
Tribal: OMFG, JEFF IS SO DAMN WET AND HOT. I really do not care what happens as long as I can watch him for the next 15 minutes. Seriously.
Holly: When I wanted to quit Jimmy J helped me.
Jane: these young kids need to hang in there
NaO: Jeff when it rains my joints hurt (FYI Dan's face here was friggin priceless) She also says she's the only African American left. Like, what the fuck does that matter?? You're ass is gonna be the only AA to quit the game.

The jury is PISSED.
Kelly: the weather is making my skinny ASS body break down.
Benry: I don't like quitters
Fabio: is it an age thing?? No, it's a mental, willpower thing, Plus, Jeff, I'm too stupid to be cold.
NaO: Reward was GREAT, I loved today and loved going out with a bang.
Jeff: NaO, did you have a shot at winning? Yes, based upon my drive... my charm...
The Jury is laughing at her.
Jeff: I offered the tarp and rice, why didn't you take it NaO? Are you a selfish motherf*&ker? ( I love when Jeff talks dirty...)
NaO: No, I worked hard and deserved it.
Chase: I'd have given it up had I been quitting.
Jane: Life is hard, these young kids don't have a clue. They are showing no drive. People out in the real world are playing the real survivor game (AMEN SISTER).
Jeff: I'ma gonna ask your dumb asses one more time.

NaO I quit

Kelly I quit.

Jeff: what should I do with your torches? NaO "I guess they get SMUFFED Jeff. hahahahahha.

Jeff smuffs their torches but leaves them at tribal as a reminder. BUT THEY ARE ALLOWED TO JOIN THE JURY, WHICH IS BULLSHIT.

Survivor Update: Asians Don't Scramble

Yo yo yoooohooooo. How y'all doing on the Thanksgiving eve? House clean? Turkey thawed? Mine neither. But, shit, let's play a little Survivor Update instead of working.


This is the fun part of Survivor, when the obvious people are gone, and people have to start voting for their BFF's. You know, the ones they met 20-some days ago? Episode starts out with Brenda and Sash gloating about their POWA. Brenda says they are the king and queen of Survivor, although Sash is more like the queen. Metaphorical bolt of lightening whenever you see an episode start this way.

This is also the time in the game when people totally under the radar actually speak. In this week's excitement, Purple Kelly speaks!!! And, yes, I was kinda surprised she didn't sing, "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family".

Benry, Fabio and Dan are on the outs. I for one am shocked that Dan is still alive. Holly (WHAT THE F&*CK IS WITH HER SHIRT AND THE APPEARING/DISAPPEARING RIGHT SLEEVE?????????????) and Jane aren't happy with the power couple.

Drama:
Holly asks Benry how he can trust them
Jane tells NaO that Brenda is a Villain
Holly talks to Chase. He wants Benry.

AAAAGGGGHHHH.

Challenge. Jeff is in friggin GREEN?? WTF?? Didn't his blue wardrobe come back from the Nicaraguan cleaners?? Shoulda gone with the Koreans, Jeff. Just a tip.

Teams have to travel across the beach using barrels, ropes and planks. I'm only surprised they didn't have to go all in and dress like rodeo clowns. Wanna know what you're playing for? A trip to a volcano and a pizza/brownies fix. Ya know, call me crazy but why all the junk food?? Aren't they all afraid they're gonna get fat?

Blue team (Chase, Jane, Kelly, Fabio and NaO) easily win. Per Jeff to the Yellow team, lead by Sash: "If this were for life or death, you'd be dead".
They helicopter over to the volcano, put on orange prison garb and sled down the side of the volcano. Um, HOW DO YOU GET BACK UP??

Back at camp, disaster has struck. In an effort to keep the fire burning in the rain, the build it super high and surrounded it with wooden trunks full of their food and stuff. LOL. Reminds me of this girl who worked with me who had the worst luck. Her barn caught on fire and both she and her husband drove over to the barn, parked too close and watched their cars burn up too. I always wondered how that call to the insurance company went. Anywhoo. Big fire (actually set by the crew maybe??), even the tarp melted. Benry is losing it.

Back on the volcano, NaO makes her "power play" and pulls Fabio aside. "Who do you think is running the show??" They chat about getting rid of Brenda. Why these two get together is beyond me.

Chase and Brenda chat about Holly's plan to get rid of Brenda/Sash. Chase is a total pussy who cannot keep his mouth shut.
Chase tells NaO he wants Benry instead. NaO tells Benry you can't trust Chase. NaO tells Jane Chase is against getting rid of Brenda/Chase. Now Jane's not sure of Chase...thinks he wants in Brenda's pants. I'm not even going to go there that this old cougar might be jealous of that. NaO tells Holly, do not trust Chase.

Seriously, NaO is either 2 people or she is just playing crazy-ass.

Immunity Challenge: Light Blue. Stand on a platform over water, holding on to a knotted rope, and lean farther back every 5 minutes.

First out: Sash, Kelly, Holly...Brenda...Dan...Fabio...NaO... and Benry. It's down to Jane and Chase. Jane wants to quit but Coach Jeff (who I think spent a little bit of time with Jimmy J) talks her into holding on, and Chase falls. Jane wins immunity. She is one god dayam tough broad.

Back at camp: Chase and Sash want Benry. NaO talks to Sash, says Chase is on her last nerve. Wanna do a power play?

Chase is talking to Fabio, Holly comes up and says, "it's Brenda". Chase runs to Brenda clutching his little balls "They're saying it's you. NaO set it up". Brenda to Chase: "Do you think they are gonna be more loyal to you than we are??" Sash wonders if he should give the idol to Brenda to save her. Although he shoulda done his wondering holding his pinky between his front two teeth while holding a cat.

Tribal: Medium Blue. I was busy anyway.
Sash: I was surprised about Marty. Been a lot of reshuffling
Brenda: I regretted Marty but I had to prove I could be trusted. There's a break because NaO wants to jump ship
hahahah, when will these people learn not to talk smack about NaO at Tribal??
NaO: not me, Chase is running paranoid
Kelly SPEAKS!! I'm pretty out of the loop Jeff but I just learned a whole lot
Brenda: Why would Sash break the alliance? Or Chase tell me? It was NaO
Jeff: Brenda, are you scrambling this week?
Brenda: humumumumum, not scrambling, Asians do not scramble.
Jeff: Are you too proud to say scrambling?
Brenda: I'm Asian, we don't scramble.
Jeff: Sash, this is disastrous to your alliance.
Time to vote. Anyone have the idol and want to say, GIVE IT TO BRENDA?? Crickets......
Brenda is voted off the island.

Survivor: It's a 3 F-Bomb Tribal

Yo, why is this season a 39 day Survivor?? Didn't it used to be 30 days?

It's all Marty, all Jane feud all the time. NaO thinks Marty was too hard on Jane at the last tribal. Jane is now calling the jackass Mr. Farty. Yea, that'll tell him. Says his days are numbered. Probably are but I think Marty did plant some anti-Jane seeds the other week.

Marty: I cleared the air last night, now I need a plan. His plan is to tell everyone it's NaO to get her to use the idol, then blindside Jane. Jane would like to take him to the woodshed and whoop his ass. I think she could do it.

Challenge, light blue. It's for reward and THERE IS NO PUZZLE. That is my reward. Divided into 2 teams, they have to go through a bunch of obstacles and get keys, and then unlock locks. Wanna know what you're playing for? Survivor BBQ. Chicken, steak, chips, beer, apple pie. Oh, and a zipline tour. Teams randomly split into men vs women. Chase isn't chosen but chooses to back his new girlfriend/mother Jane.

Obstacles are 1) hay, 2) a crawl and then a stick wall, 3) a new crawl and then 4) a brick wall.

Jane poops out halfway through and men win reward. Purple Kelly is crying cause she needs some grub. Jeff: Any of you men want to give up your spot so one of these ladies can eat? Crickets...

Marty think Chase is an idiot for going with the ladies.

Zipline looks cool. And then they get their beer on. Marty tells everyone his big plan to blindside NaO. They all act like they like the plan, but Sash believes he and Brenda run the show so they should make the decisions.

Back at camp, the girls and Chase discuss getting rid of Marty. Brenda thinks Chase made a dumb choice, she's not too sure about his judgement. Holly thinks Dan and marty are tight and predicts that they will try to get Sash and Brenda to vote with them. Chase is worried about Brenda, NaO tells him "don't work on his nerves", so he goes right out and works on her nerves, asking her again and again what she's thinking.

NaO: Chase is paranoid. We night need to swap him out.

Tree mail: test of mental strength.

Challenge, dark blue. Love you too, honey. Immunity is up for grabs, but only one this week. Jeff holds up symbols and they have to remember the order. In the end it comes down to Marty and Brenda, and Brenda wins immunity.

If this is a boring update, frankly it was one of the more boring episodes in history.

Fabio and Benry chat. Is Marty's plan gonna work? We gotta just lay low and play stupid. Fabio: God, it is just so hard for me to play stupid. LOL.

Hey, anyone else notice that NaO is a PE Teacher? OMFG, how did I miss that? Can you friggin imagine?? "Get your damn ass up that rope to the ceiling".

Blah blah blah, Marty, Jane, Marty, Jane. Sash and Brenda talk. All the women want Marty. Brenda doesn't really like Jane, Holly and Chase calling the shots. They both kinda want Marty to stay.

Tribal, dark blue.
It's even a boring tribal until NaO gets her crazy on. Jeff asks her about the stolen food, and she basically tells him to stop F^%$ing asking about the damn food. It's over, I said I was sorry.

Marty: I hasn't gone down well, it isn't over
NaO: I'm not perfect! I'm a humanitarian (huh??), Jeff. I don't like Marty, his hair.....his walk...whole lot o'crazy talk and then woop woop woop. LOL.
Marty: She's a liar and a cheat
Fabio: Ooh, I gotta get in on this NaO beat down. She's a wack job
NaO: Stop talking about the f^&*^ing flour.
Fabio: Craaaaaazzzzzyyyyyy.
3 more F bombs and a middle finger and we're ready to vote.
Jeff:NaO, I am speechless that you can keep going off like this at tribal and you're still here.
NaO just gives him the mean face.

Vote, no idol play. Rut ro. Marty is voted off.

Survivor: All Blue All the Time!!

So have y'all noticed Jeff ONLY wears blue this season? Light blue, medium and the most famous, dark blue. Dude is totally obsessed with me, I tell you.

Marty has no friends, no idol and the vultures are circling (literally). "Something's gotta change or I'm gone..."

Fabio finds tree mail-pack up all your stuff and follow the map. MERGE!!! Espada gets the trunk. Knives are already out, baby. Benry: Alina's time is up. Alina wants a major blindsiding of Marty-who's with me? Crickets...

Merge. Inside the trunk is food, new red buffs and booze. Let the fake love fest begin! NaO and Brenda take a walk and unload on each other.
Alina's a total bitch". "Sash has the idol".

New tribe is called Libertad. Hey y'all. What would you name your merged tribe? Hmmmmm. I'd go with Stinksalot. So, in fact, I refuse to call them anything BUT Stinksalot.

Hey, on another aside, McRib is back!! Yes, I do sometimes even make notes about the commercials.

Chase and Jane twang and click. They live in the same holler apparently. Seriously I am waiting for the announcement that Jane has been arrested as the major moonshine and drug seller in the region.

And, the moment we've all been waiting for!!
NaOHHELLSHEISCRAZYASS is making tortillas, and everyone is eating them, cause that's the whole point of making food for people. But I digress. She doesn't get many tortillas and flips OUT. She steals the flour and buries it and them goes back for the pots and pans too. LOL. Holly, of the expensive shoe incident, notices her go.

Alina and NaO are sitting talking on the beach and NaO tells Alina that the tribe is gunning for her. Alina goes all apeshit, well as apeshit as a white girl can get. NaO gives her an orange to calm down and tells her about the stuff she stole.

Meanwhile back at camp, "Where is all of our SHIT?? Holly confronts NaO: "Did you put the flour back after you put it in your bag and walked off" "What you talking 'bout BIATCH" NaO has a fight with Fabio, still denying it all and Alina keeps her yap closed. Later NaO confesses but says she did it for the tribe because I guess some of them were getting a little heavy. "Everyone lies in Survivor". Says Alina and I were together, hanging Alina. Marty doesn't believe she did it for the tribe of Stinksalot.
Brenda still wants Alina gone but NaO is on the outs. Sash now really wants to take NaO to the end.

Jane brings another fish to camp, and Marty is threatened by her. He tells Brenda Jane has to go.

Challenge: Come on in guys! (Medium Blue). It's an immunity challenge, boys and girls each get an immunity idol. They have to hold 2 pieces of steal with a sword thing in between it. If you drop the sword you break another tile. They hate pottery and tiles in this damn show.

Kelly and Dan each last like 3 seconds. It comes down to Jane and Holly for the girl immunity, and Marty, Fabio and Chase for the boys. Jane outlasts Holly but decided to make a point and stay in until the boys are done as well. She is one tough old bird. Fabio hands in and wins immunity.

Back at camp, the girls give Jane big hugs. She whispers "I want Marty" and not in a good holler sexual way. So the girls tell Sash they want Marty gone. Chase and Jane talk, she tells him it's Marty. Sash is worried if he doesn't give the idol back to Marty, at the end Marty will hold that against him. Asks if Marty could have one more week and then go? Jane and Chase don't want to go along with that, but Brenda is OK. Jane refuses to vote for Alina. Dan doesn't trust Chase, tells Marty. Marty talks to Sash and Brenda, but Sash just writes Marty off as paranoid.

The gaggle of girls now try to get Fabio to vote with them. With Alina, we'd have 6 for Marty. Fabio wants NaO (hellllloooooo!!! yes!!!!!)

Tribal. Dark Blue, BRB.

Holly: is the game starting to change? Yes, you now have to take a risk
Marty: Is the window of opportunity limited? Yes, and since you asked me Jeff, Jane has made bad decisions since 30 minutes into this game. Be careful of the little old lady, she'll take the million. I'd even vote for her.
Jane-ignore him, it's a personal vendetta
Alina: did marty just hurt himself? Um yes Jeff I believe he did.
Dan: WTF?? Why are we not talking about voting the 2 people who stole our damn food?
NaO: Oh, get over it I gave it back.
Fabio: you only gave it back when caught.
NaO: But I already been punished. Nobody talked to me for an hour
Alina: why should you stay? I'm a swing vote pawn, Jeff.
Apparently not anymore. First person on the Jury is Alina.

Survivor: Celebrity Envy

Spoiler alert-they got rid of Mike Ditka tonight. LOL. Seriously, because you know an old, out of shape dude is a huge ass threat just because he is on the teevee every week. Ah, the superpower of celebrity in Amerika.


After tribal, when the young people allowed Shannon to commit Survivor suicide, they all walk back to camp saying, "Whew, dodged a whole lot of crazy tonight". All except the evil Nao, who is currently pissed off at Alina, Kelly B and Judd. In addition to Fabio of course, whose "hair be gettin on my nerves".

The old people are hungry. And, they need a little more fiber in their diets so, they decide to find out what the heck the monkeys are eating. They follow them to find some fruit, and JJ does his monkey imitation. Which totally pisses the easily aggravated (see the need for fiber above) Marty. He gets even more pissed off when he sees JJ and the ladies enjoying fishing. Thinks every one has fame glitter in their eyes. Jill tries to calm him down, and suggests they share the fact that they found the idol with the tribe to gain some power. Later in the afternoon Marty shows his find, and everyone is all impressed (helllo, Jill really found it). He tells them it's for the whole tribe to use after the merge. Riiiiiight. Marty the MAAAAN. Tyrone, however, thinks Marty is shady. It's Survivor, everyone is shady.

Fabio, of the hateful hair, is missing his daily inhalation of weed, so he volunteers to blow on the coals every chance he gets. It's his strategy. LOL. Blowing as a strategy-never heard that one before... He wants to be kept around for his brain. NaONOYOUDIDNT is pissed.

Dan-the-1600-shoe-man is afraid people will think he is the weakest link (hey, whatever happened to that TV sensation?). He helps Yve carry water buckets and she notices he is limping.

Over at Baywatch, and FYI every week Wil says, "Christ, is this Survivor Victoria Secret??" Of course, in my house anything not made out of sweatshirt material is considered sexy clothing. "Tribal drew a line in the sand". Alina and KB feel they are on the outs. NaOHNOYOUDIDNT wants those bitches to go.

Challenge, Jeff is in Dark Blue. Be back in a couple hours. No dancing tonight! Both tribes will race out into a field to collect ten tribe colored barrels. Once all ten barrels are retrieved, they must be arranged on individual platforms. Then one person at a time from each tribe will toss sand bags at the barrels with the goal of landing a sand bag on top of each barrel. First tribe to get a sandbag on top of all ten of their barrels wins immunity and reward. Wanna know what you're playing for?? A Survivor garden!! So you can make those disgusting meals taste better. (I think Fabio misunderstood what HERB garden means...) The younger tribe chooses not to use the Medallion of POWAA. "We're arrogant MFers".

Young tribe gets all of their barrels first. Tyrone is throwing and beating Benry. Tryone is good at the close up barrels. But not so much at the farther away ones. JT begs to be let in the game. JJ lets him in when they are 3 bags behind. Young tribe wins immunity. Kelly B runs for the fruit basket, because she thinks the second idol clue will be in there. NaOHNOYOUDIDNT sees the message as well. She grabs the basket, and once back at camp the two get into a BIG ASS fight over the clue. "I'll push you so hard that leg will fall off. I got hood". She also gets the clue. Everyone is pretty appalled at what a crazy ASS chick NaO is. She has to get someone else to help her with the clue 'cause apparently symbol reading isn't taught in the Hood schools. She shares it with the Asian chick 'cause everyone knows they are skilled at symbols.

Jimmy T is pissed off. “The guys that are leaders here are squelching me because I’m an obvious leader and they know it.” Marty is loving it: “It’s kind of enjoyable to watch a little bit of tension for a change in this tribe. I hate to say it but I’m looking forward to Tribal Council. We’re finally going to get this tribe to play this game.”

Should it be JJ or shouldn't it? Over and over and over a-friggin-gain.
Tribal: Light blue.
Marty, what happened? We lost ground, Jeff.
JT: "I wanted play time"
Jill, are you guys relying too much on JJ for strategy? Sometimes...
Hormonal: "JJ steps forward and boosts morale
JT: Me and JJ have never talked
Jeff: 8 days and you have never talked??
JT: I'm a leader myself
Tyrone: It is baffling to me Jeff, I think JT is threatened
JJ: I'm not threatening
Jill: The losses weigh a lot, we need a strong tribe
Dan: I'm strong
Jill: You're still and sore.
Jane: Dan is stiff and sore (is that a crime??)
JT: The tribe needs the strongest players. I'm not week like 3/4 of these people
JJ I'm old and weak (shhhhhhh)
Marty: I want to accelerate the game.

They vote and Jimmy J is back on Sunday football before you know it.

Jeff: You just voted off the proven leader...

Survivor Menopause

Yo! Is it hot in Nicaragua or am I having a flash? Oldster Marty can't sleep without his Serta. We gotta fix this shelter thing. JJ wants to fix the roof.

JT wants to go fishing. JJ is all getting his way and stuff, JT is mad. Marty decides to let JJ keep sticking his neck out.

NaO and Sash are all hooking up. Cause, that's what you do when you are in your 20's. He is working the "I'm half African American thing". Wink, and it's the below the belt half. Says he wants to bring in all the minorities which I believe means the smart Asian chick. NaO is now wearing an orange Turban. Just so we know she's ALL minority. She does the AA head shake and says, "Kelly B is a charity case". Uhuh. Charity begins at the turban.

Ahhh, we must be at about day 5 because the Prozac and Lithium are beginning to leave their systems. Jill wants to eat snails. She tastes one and makes a face but says they are OK. Holly WIGS out. Holly is a big hot mess of hormonal imbalance. She actually steals the pot of snails and walks away. Say what? Hormonal Holly then overhears people talking about what a big hot mess she is. So, she steals Dan's Armani leather Survivor Satchel (customized with real elephant tusk handles!) and walks down to the beach. First she fills them with sand, and then puts them in the water. Whoa. I predict a bunny in a pot coming soon!

Armani Dan is now all, "hey where are my $1600 Alligator shoes". WTF?? Who brings $1600 shoes to Survivor?? Hormonal Holly now feels all bad. "I'm struggling emotionally" and I'm sorry guys. Whoa. Jeff, time to call in Medical! "I'll forgive her but I'm going to keep one eye on her and one on my shoes".

Ahhh, and lest we thing the old people have a monopoly on crazy, NaO loses her sock-it was inside her shoe. Seriously, I do not want to stand next to this bitch at the laundromat. She in turn steals Fabio's socks. He asks her, "um, did you ACCIDENTALLY borrow my sock?" Bang!! It's on!! Ya gotta wonder if there are friends and family members who were laughing behind her back saying, "that crazy bitch ain't gonna last 1 week".

Drama continued. Hormonal sits down with JJ. "I don't know if I can to this" JJ:"We need you!"

Challenge. The Young and The Stupid come marching in again. Holy crap!! It's a puzzle free night!!!! Woooohooooo. The challenge is to faceplant yourself into mud, crawl under netting, roll around in hay to find balls, balance the balls on paddles and then pass the balls into a barrel. Wanna know what you're playing for? "Sedatives" I yelled. Nope. A tarp or fishing gear, and immunity.

Old dudes, you have the Medallion of POWWA. That could be exchanged for one ball already in your barrel. Hells yes, Jeff, since we effed up last time and didn't use it, we will use it tonight. NaO and Dan sit out. NaO because she wants the legless girl to crash and burn.

(NOTE: Right about now we had a wicked thunderstorm blow through, and our power went on and off a couple times. But I figured out the gist).

JJ kicks ass, but then the oldsters blow their lead. Hormonal can't find the ball. However, once they have their 3 balls, they get them all smoothly in the barrel while the Young and Stupids can't get one. Old Wins over Youth!! They take the fishing gear.

Oldtime celebration. Hmmm, is Hormonal done being insane?? They find the clue to the hidden idol in the fishing box. Everyone goes to find it and Jill-with-the-stomach-pooch and Marty find it.

Youngsters: Kelly B kicked some one legged ASS today. Alina and Kelly B want Asian Brenda to go. Chase doesn't cause he's kinda got the hots for her and a kinda alliance. He also has an alliance with Shannon. NaO and Brenda want Shannon. Chase tells Brenda, while Alina is listening. Alina tells everyone that Chase is double crossing. What will Chase do??

Tribal, Jeff is in light blue.

Shannon: it's brutal, Jeff. I've never camped. Plus there's no loyalty. He goes right after Chase and his "girlfriend"
Chase: She is not my girlfriend
Shannon: He's pissing me off. He lied to me. Where's your loyalty and integrity??
Jeff: Wow, it's kinda early for this level of woop ass
Fabio: Yo, chill, fo real dudes
Brenda: I think is shows a weakness in Shannon (fuse ignited)
Shannon: Who you calling weak bitch? Am I not trusted?? (lots of eye rolls)
Shannon to Chase: I've had better looking girlfriends than you. You're from NYC which is full of gays.
Alina: I thought I trusted Chase...
Benry: It happened all so fast, I don't know who to trust!
NaO (who can't stay out of a good fight): I hate Fabio.
Fabio: That attitude has been present the whole time, biatch.
NaO goes apeshit.
Fabio:Yo, can we just vote??

Jeff tallies the votes, and it's a blow out for Shannon. Bye bye crazy. Shannon takes the walk of shame, which this season is through a little faux graveyard.

Survivor Nicaragua: Meet the Fockers!

Yo yo yo! Nicaragua!! Land of VOLCANOES!!!!!!!!!! And, um, Conquistadors and, according to Judd "there's no fences around the animals like in the zoo". Duuuuuude. Got, I can't wait until the "throw the virgins in the volcano" challenge.


Jeff is in medium blue. Tease. He's standing on a big hard rock with water shooting up all around him. Uhuh.

Tribal fake out. The survivors are split into two tribes. Jeff asks a few of them stupid questions, although he does not ask Eve (or is it Yve?) "WTF are you doing in the jungle wearing a long sleeved plaid dress with cowboy boots"??

Ahhhh, sumptin new this year. The medallion of POWAAA. It gives your tribe "an edge". It's hidden out in this lagoon. Now go find it. The "very single" Asian chick-Brenda finds it in the tree. But wait! There's more!! Ya think these are your tribe mates? PSYCH!!! This is Survivor AGE discrimination! Woohooo. Old people on one team, young on the other. Old is over 40. WTF?? Ok, I gotta comment on that outrageous bit of CRAP. Now-spoiler alert-after Jeff wore his dark blue shirt to the tribal council, and I met him at the Pottstown Motel 6 (try and keep up newbies), this 40-cough-cough year old performed sexual tricks like any of those 20 year old ho's. Ok, ok, I did have to take a motrin and rub a little Ben-gay on my thighs, but STILL.

So, the old people hobble over to one mat and the young tight buttock'd people ran over to the other mat. Jeff offers the young the option of trading the Medallion of POWAAA for fishing gear. So the old people get the Medallion.

Ok. So right about now I turned to my husband and said, "Hey is that Mike Ditka??" Wil, "yes honey but he is going by an alias, Jimmy Johnson" LOL.

NO NO NO NO-do not make an alliance with the first weirdo you run into! Holly and Wendy hook right on up. BTW-is that what all goat herders are wearing this season?

Oldster Jane starts a fire with glasses-trifocals probably. Why does no one else ever try to do this??

La Flor tribe (which means young skin in Nicaraguan). They're all like, damn we got this!!

Note: am I the only one noticing all of the pixilated penises this season?? And, are these girls in underwear instead of bathing suits?? Did the Nike shipment get lost?

Kelly B is an amputee. She decides to "announce it" since everyone has already seen her run. She strips and shows her bionic leg. Hmmm, does that make her a threat or a weakness? Lots o'opinions on that score. As the younguns do, they all run off to swim together. KB leaves her limb on the shore. I kept waiting for Russell (Etroll) to run out of the jungle and steal it.

Espada Tribe (Nicaraguan for lack of bladder control): Jimmy J is puking. "I never thought it would be this hard". It's friggin day one!! Jimmy, you been living in a mansion and riding around life in a golf cart way too long.

Alina and Kelly B take a walk, find a hidden immunity idol.

Treemail. Jimmy J gives the tribe a big ass pep talk. Go team!!

Challenge: Jeff is in blue, medium blue. OMFG, the young tribe dances onto the mat. UGH. I so want them to go down.

It's the gutter guard challenge. Pour water into a series of rain gutters, into a bucket. First team to fill their bucket gets...wait for it...you know it's coming.....FRIGGIN PUZZLE PIECES. The medallion of POWAA can be traded in for an advantage, which in this case is their first bucket of water. I think they say no to that. Jeff shows the idol, which this season is not made out of coconuts but is some play on a cartoon conquistador.

Both teams are pouring water. The old team is a little more shaky, but as Jeff says at one point "The older tribe has a great flow now". I really thought the next commercial was going to be for Flomax. Youngsters are a little bit ahead going into the puzzle. Yea, they kick the old people's ass, which surprises me since most old people I know love doing puzzles. But maybe only in reclining chairs with afghans on their legs.

Espala: Holy crap, Jimmy T is only 48?? He looks like 60 and he's complaining he needs a nap. Jeeebus. Coach is a target as is Wendy, the weird ass goat herder.

Tribal, Jeff is in Dark Blue!! YAY FOR ME!!

He compliments Jane on getting the fire started. "Well, Jeff, I read your article on why no one ever learns to build fire before coming on to the show (I believe it was in AARP magazine) and have been practicing for 2 months.

Jimmy the J: Is there a target on your back? Noooo, Jeff, I'm not a threat to anyone. I'm just here for vomiting fun! I already have a boatload of CASH. Jimmy T (jealous because he was expecting to be the only one named Jimmy this season) isn't buying it.

Raise your hand if you think you are in trouble tonight. Half of them raise their hand. Wendy somehow gets started on how she didn't connect well with her tribe, which is always a good thing to point out, says, "no one even asked me my age". Whaaaa? You never ask a woman her age. She then goes on and on and on, really digging her grave. And, alas, she is the first person voted off Survivor Nicaragua. Kevin, Matt and Nancy, you are safe for now but I think the alternate is a wackadoo as well.