Survivor: We've Found Our Zombies

Hello!!  And welcome Spring you elusive fucker. 

So yea, I blew you all off last week.  Deal with it.  Sometimes you need to miss someone to understand how important they are to you.  On THAT week, the tribes were "merged" into 2 with a "schoolhouse" draw.  One is Apari, which means crappy old school video game in Cagayani, and the other is Solana, named after a tanning salon Jeff Probst frequents because he can go nude and not get recognized. 

Aparri, is now made up of Spencer, Kass, Latasha, Sarah, Morgan, Jeremiah and Alexi- so 3 brains, 3 beauty and Sarah.  Solana tribe, is Cliff, Woo, Tony, Trish, LJ, Jefra, Lindsey and Ton, so basically the brawn tribe plus beauties LJ and Jefra. 

The Solana tribe lost the immunity challenge, and Tony masterminded the removal of Cliff. 

And following that, upon return to camp Trish starts in on why they had to bamboozle Cliff and Lindsay wants none of it.  An epic rant follows with her telling Trish how much she disgusts her, how she has a big horse face with a horse pair of teeth.  LOL.  The two of them go at it, Trish telling Lindsay she has no chance and no alliance now.  Tony steps in and Lindsay storms off to the beach alone.  For a while.  And, then.......cue the night vision goggles and Oprah Probst who comes to sit with her while she babbles on about how she can't do this anymore, can't stand Trish and wants to leave to show her daughter how to remove yourself from a situation with dignity.  Of course, always wait until you've called someone an ugly horsehead to show dignity.  She doesn't want to flip out on Trish (OMG, Mark Burnette totally got hard at that thought), so Jeff lets her walk away.  So she can be the bigger person.  LOL.  And this woman works with sharp scissors every day??

Jeff goes to the tribe and tells them Lindsay quit.  Which causes...no real upset.  Tony: Turn the head and the body follows.  LJ, in typical beauty person, calls her a zit that was gonna be popped. 

Off to the Challenge where Jeff announces Cliff and also Lindsay are gone.  And they're totally happy.  LOL. 

It's the dropping buddha challenge.  2 people in the ring together, and first buddha to hit the ground loses.  I'll spare you the boredom.  Solana wins, meaning Woo and Tony get to go to Aparri and steal stuff. 

Ya know, I gotta say, Tony is really playing this game.  Not sure if it's gonna last (Sorry JEFF) but he is really working it.  He and Woo (who is a disappointment to me so far in his lack of wicked smart asianness). go and take comfort and fishing stuff.   There is also a clue for them to find an idol back on Solana beach, but Tony decides to mess with the tribe and they tell Jeremiah that it's a clue for one person on Aparri to an immunity idol.  Thereby placing a giant target on his back.  He reads the clue and realizes that it's the same one he had for the other beach  but Tony runs back and gets the clue so he can't prove that. 

And now everyone is suspicious of Jeremiah.  He points out that since they lost the challenge, why would there be a clue for them??  He tells them the clue is for the other island but nobody believes him. 

Back on Solana, Tony is flying on a super high.  Like CRAZY SUPER HIGH.  He tells the tribe what he and Woo did, basically says I LOVE YOU ALL, MAN.  Tells them he's really a cop and that for the first time THIS IS MY TRIBE.  So basically, as LJ points out, to prove that he's totally loyal to us he tells us he's a liar??  It apparently works on every else though.  Trish says she has a confession too, that she's really a man.  AND WHO ELSE THOUGHT JUST FOR ONE SECOND IT COULD BE TRUE????? 

Challenge.  Build a staircase, go through a maze, down a bamboo slide, untie a key to get a machete, cut a cord to get puzzle pieces, do a puzzle and use the answer to unlock your flag.  Whew. 

And they're off and you are TOTALLY GOING TO WANT TO GO BACK TO THE DVR AND WATCH THIS PART, because I SWEAR TO GOD when they all slide down the bamboo slide they leave a big long shit stain.  Collectively.  LMAO. 

Tony starts telling his tribe the numbers Aparri get, and then Aparri totally falls apart.  Solana wins immunity and Tony yells 'FINAL 5 RIGHT HERE BABY".  And......Sarah is all WTF????? 

Back at Aparri it's decision time.  And they finally give Alexis air time.  Wil and I were both like, WHO THE HELL IS THAT PERSON???" The logic is that since Tony thinks he has the numbers, he also things someone on Aparri is going to align back again with them.  Sarah has convinced everyone she is done with Tony, so strangely they don't consider her.  Since Woo and Tony gave Jeremiah the clue, they think maybe that's who they are bringing along.  Alexis thinks that and tries to lobby the brains to get rid of him.  The Brains and Sarah huddle and figure it should be one of the beauties who might be in alliance with LJ or Jefra.  It comes down to which is perceived as the biggest threat.  Kass points out that the brains have finally found the bodies to go with their brains, calling the brawns the zombies who they can manipulate to do their dirty work. 

Tribal.

Jeff asks Kass if it is safe to assume that the three Brain tribe members are together, the three Beauty tribe members are together and that Sarah is in the middle. She agrees.
Morgan chimes in that the Beauty aren't that close. 
Kass:  Apparently the pretty people weren't living such a beautiful life.
Spencer points out that the point of this vote is to fix the fractures and come up with a unified tribe
Sarah points out that she has no alliance, especially with the "final 5" comment.
Alexis keeps pointing out that there is the chance that someone will flip when they merge.  Yea, LIKE YOU PERHAPS??
She keeps pointing to the idol clue Woo and Tony gave him, insisting it was a way to woo (no pun intended) him in NOT to put a target on his back. 
Sarah is just happy that she seems to be safe.  She says again she isn't going to flip back. 

Time to vote.  And, apparently Alexis, who I knew nothing about until tonight is a big threat and so is the next person off the island.  She's probably still crying about it. 

Jeff points out that it was a big, unified vote  BUT..... he starts to sing "how deep is your looooove". 

Survivor: Ding Dong the Ding Dong is Dead

Hello, and Happy Survivor Day!  Hope you have all sobered up from your St. Paddies Day celebrations.  And by all I mean Matt.  LOL. 

Another fine episode of BBB last week.  After Brice flew off like a gay butterfly Morgan is mad at Jeremiah for turning against her.  She asks J why he voted for Brice in public, and he explains he had to stay with his original alliance. He's pissed she made him admit that, and by pissed I mean mildly confusingly not very bright annoyed.  Morgan tries to stir the pot by telling Alexis that Jeremiah originally was pushing for her because he wants to take over the tribe from LJ.  LJ hears this and perks up his little beautiful ears.  Alexis is now not trusting Jeremiah. 

Treemail. Something about "seeing" and everyone gets that it's the blindfolded challenge.  Because as we all know,  THERE ARE NO NEW CHALLENGES TO BE INVENTED.  The "Brains" tribe walks around practicing. 

Challenge: it's the caller leading blindfolded people through an obstacle course made up mainly of groin height boxes and barrels, with the added twist of the need to hoist the 5 recovered items up to the caller.  It's for reward only.  Chickens for the winners and a dozen eggs for the second tribe. 

It's a ball buster, basically.  Poor LJ gets hit in the privates so many times he's about to lose his logo "Hung like a  Horse Trainer".  The brain tribe is surprisingly doing well, basically because Jtia is kept to she sidelines and only gets to help hoist.  Beauty as usual kicks ass and ends up in first.  It looks like an easy win for Brains but they allow Brawn to come from behind in what Jeff calls AN UNBELIEVABLE AND UNPRECEDENTED RECOVERY.  Because the Brains have to rely on Jtia to hoist the flag, and she basically isn't able to lay a flag on a big giant wooden raft, the Brawn team wins the dozen eggs.  Spencer is furious. 

The beauty team arrive at camp with their 3 hens and a rooster.  Jeremiah finds the idol clue and reads it out loud, annoying LJ.  LJ has the idol but thinks it would have become a community property idol had they all found it.  I'm not even sure if anyone went looking for it!  The beauty tribe live up to their stupid stereotypes by trying to figure out how the eggs keep coming from the hens.  Do you need the rooster?  Do they need to have sex?  Are eggs asexual?  LJ solves the problem by pointing out that since dinosaurs also had eggs, the egg came before the chicken.  Jeremiah twists the head off the chicken, pretending to be a farm boy.  He's actually just a male model and none of them can figure out if they killed a hen or a rooster. 

Sarah is still obsessed with the Cliff/Lindsey story Tony told her.  She wants Cliff gone, to the point of talking to Woo about it.  Woo and she agree that he doesn't need the money, and decide it's their time for some bling.  Woo, although a good buddy of Cliff, is willing to affiliate himself with the majority.  Tony sees them talking and has a little panic attack.  He approaches Sarah who tells him Woo is with them.  So, basically it's 4 against 2 in their eyes. 

Treemail:  Sink or Swim.  They all think it has something to do with basketball.  Sarah wants to throw the challenge to get rid of Cliff.  She talks to Malnutrish, who's all whatever.  Woo isn't really into it but he has no principles apparently. 

Challenge:  floating platforms, swim down and untie 5 buoys, and then sink 5 shots in the basketball thingy. 

Sarah spends a lot of time in the water "trying" to untie one of the buoys, and she "can't get it".  Swims back. Malnutrish has the same problem.  They both lose a lot of time.  But unfortunately for their plans, the Brains team really is that bad.  Jtia, surprisingly, can't get the easy buoy.  Neither can Kass.  Or Tasha.  Basically Spencer has to get all of the buoys, totally ignoring the girls. 

Beauty is already shooting basketballs.  Still drama and slowness on the Brawn tribe.  Woo kicks it up and gets a buoy, as does Cliff.  It's a shootout between Spencer and Cliff, yet Jtia and Kass can't return the balls to Spencer very fast. Jtia even accidentally kicks it outside of the "court" area.  It's a disaster.  Cliff makes the 5 baskets and Brawn wins immunity.  Sarah points out that even TRYING to throw the game Brains suck too badly. 

Spencer feels gypped. "The girls are in the power position but all they do is run the tribe into the ground".  It's obviously between Spencer and Jtia.  Kass and Tasha talk.  "What is the logic of getting rid of Spencer??"  They both agree there is none, but they decide not to tell Spencer he is safe for fear Jtia will get nervous and lose her shit again.  They talk to Jtia to blow smoke up her ass and she's all LOYALTY.  Tasha starts to waver.  Hmmmmmm, maybe a crazy ass black woman with loyalty and nothing else really is better??? 

Kass doesn't really give a shit.  "Just make a decision and stick to it".

Tribal

Jtia:  I did my best today, but swimmin' isn't really my thang. 
Tasha:  Not sure what her thing is, she is always weak
Jtia:  I'm only weak in challenges but I got that whole outplay and outwit thing going for me
Jeff:  You kinda forgot the whole OUTLAST part there.... If you keep losing, none of you will be left.
Tasha:  blahblahblah strength or loyalty
Kass:  the rice thing was an emotional response.  I've been there,  Jtia just makes bad decisions
Spencer:  the rice thing doesn't bode well.  Unpredictability is dangerous.  I'm with them.

At this point Jeff points out that neither Kass or Tasha are listening, instead they are having a conversation about which way to vote. 

Spencer:  It's crazy and it's scary
Kass:  as someone sitting on the couch I'd be loving this.  Who knows which is the stupid move??  UM PRETTY MUCH ALL OF US WATCHING KNOW KEEPING JTIA IS A STUPID MOVE.
Spencer:  I'm loyal and I want to win challenges.

Time to vote.....  aaaaaand, leaving tonight is Jtia.  Now, I'm wondering if she left Survivor on that mysterious missing plane because some terrorist organization totally wants an insane rice burning woman with a background in nuclear engineering.....has CNN thought of THAT angle yet???

SURVIVOR: BEAUTY, BRAWN AND......

DUMBASSES.

Welcome to week 1 (and 2) of this season's Survivor, where apparently Jeff is still gonna TALK ALL THROUGH THE CHALLENGES. 

The good news?  NO REDEMPTION AND NO RETURNING PLAYERS.  The bad news?  THESE PLAYERS.  Let me just do a little recap for ya.  We have a police officer who's a liar, a hairstylist who looks like Bob Marley on a bad day, a chick with a freaking hello kitty bow in her hair, and anorexic Pilates instructor, a gay Urkel and on and on.  OMG, the nicknames write themselves. 

So, 3 teams of 6 each which means no one can hide early.  Jeff is all,  ooooooh, it's Brains, Beauty and Brawn, think you can guess which one you are??  Choose a leader.  Beauty goes with LJ, Brawn goes with Sarah and the "Brains" go with David because he is wearing a blazer.  Now, the leaders get to pick off the weakest on their tribes.  LJ picks Morgan because in the world of beauty you can be hot or cute, and hot can't be trusted.  Sarah picks the anorexic old lady, Trish.  Blazer man David picks Garrett, who is like Stretch Armstrong with apparently a brain ( extra points if you remember Stretch).  He chooses him because he's already playing the last 2/3 of the game. 

In a twist, the weakest are the first to get helicoptered to camp.  And, of course, they get a choice of an extra bag of rice or the clue to an idol.  Garrett takes the clue, and finds the idol.  His body and head ratio is wrong is some way.  Anyone??

Trish takes the rice.  Not that she eats carbs or anything.  Morgan takes the clue and has no luck finding the idol.  She tells the tribe that she had a choice and she chose fishing gear, rice and shelter.  Which brings me to the point of complaining about how much luxury these people are starting out with.  I mean, a BOAT???  WTF??  Why do I think reward challenges are gonna be for electricity, refrigeration and a Keurik system??  LJ doesn't trust her.....

The beauty tribe bangs out fire.  Mostly by staring at the logs with all of their good looks. 

Anorexic tells everyone she took the second bag of rice instead of the idol.  Which basically tells everyone there IS an idol.  The get to work banging out a shelter. Wooo recognizes Cliff as a basketball player, which is so amazing since he's 8 feet tall and there usually are former athletes on Survivor.  Sarah and Tony have this strange conversation where she asks him if he's a cop and he repeatedly denies it.  She is a cop as well.  I think she smells the donut residue on his fingers.  She thinks he's a liar. 

On Brains, the nuclear engineer, J'Tia tells everyone she has a total plan for building shelter.  She's a bossy pain in the ASS, alienating everyone AND the shelter falls apart before any weight is put on it. 

Challenge.  It's a pull a cart, get keys, unlock chests and carry them through an obstacle course and then, DO A PUZZLE.  There are gonna be a lot of puzzles this season.  Question- I see the advantage of brawn and brains in the challenges but how are they gonna do a beauty advantage challenge?  Catwalk?? 

Bottom line, brains SUCK.  Or as Jeff says, "DISASTER....UNBELIEVABLE.....NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF SURVIVOR...." and other bullshit.    Beauty comes in first, and gets more fire, brawn comes in second and gets flint and brains gets to go to tribal. 

David wants Garrett out.  Kass wants J'Tia,  I want J'Tia out.  Kass tells her, "I think you should go".  JTia gets all hurt and shit, can't handle THE TRUTH.  Why do I get the sense the world has always been telling her how "special" she is?  She and hello kitty girl commiserate, and Garrett small head joins them.  He thinks David is a threat and sets off to orchestrate his demise.  Garrett talks to Spencer who is kind of a pussy, frankly.  He's afraid David has an idol. 

Tribal.  Get your torch because IN THIS GAME FIRE IS YOUR LIFE.

JTia is all I know you are gonna be up my ASS Jeff  because I'm in danger.  I had a big plan for the shelter and it didn't work.
David: She came out strong.  It was all going well for her.... until it was not.
JTia gets all defensive.  I had a plan.  I'm really a relationship person.  LMAO
Jeff: DAVID, YOU PICKED GARRETT AS WEAK RIGHT OFF THE BAT??
David: Yes, I'm playing my end game now.
Garrett: Yea, that sucked because as everyone can see, I'm Stretch Armstrong with a tiny head chock full of brains.
David: He ain't going anywhere tonight.
JTia: It's the first part of the game we should be playing, so David should go.
Spencer, DO YOU WANT TO SAY ANYTHING?  Yes, Jeff, it is a big vote.  Blah blah, trust. 

Vote:  David is blindsided. 

Back at camp for another hour of this.  Garrett is all THIS IS NOT FUN.  I AM NOT BEING AMUSED.  THERE  HAS NOT BEEN ANY SURVIVOR STRATEGERY YET.

He and Spencer are together.  They shake hands with Kass who is like, I'm everyone's #3. 

 Brawn:  Cliff and Woo go fishing.  In a giant BOAT that just happened to be in their camp.  It's ridiculous.  They tip it over and Cliff has a great laugh.  Everyone loves Cliff except Tony, in his red underwear, which have burned my eyes. 

On Beauty, purple wearing gay Urkel is droning on about, god knows what.  Jeremiah and Morgan flirt, because basically that's all the beautiful know how to do. 

Back on Brawn, Trish tells Lindsay (aka Bob Marley) to get wood.  Big cat fight ensues with Lindsay calling Trish MalnuTrisha.  LOL.  And, another nickname is born.  Trish storms off to find Tony, and they bond over their totally not cool with the youngsters vibe.  Tony is busy building a SPY SHACK.  So he can sneak up on people in the shelter and overhear them. Cliff is his target. 

Another Challenge.  Swim out to a cage, climb in, untie something, get fish traps, swim them back to shore and then....wait for it........PUZZLE TIME.  This one is a REALLY HARD FISH PUZZLE.  Wanna know?  Basically an entire fish kitchen in a basket.  You know, the kind of reward saved for the end when people are hungry?  Yea, that.

JTia is a slow swimmer but somehow they pick up time and end up getting their traps first.  IT'S AN EXHAUSTING CHALLENGE.....YOU ARE GONNA NEED TO REALLY DIG.......

The brains are back on shore first and, hey, it's a puzzle so this is gonna be a slam dunk.  Except they let JTia do the puzzle.  And, she is a freaking idiot.  They have a long advantage where she gets nothing, and then Brawn shows up and Sarah bangs out the puzzle to win.  JTia is still shuffling fish around.  LJ comes from behind and Beauty takes second place.  JTia I think still only had 1 piece.  JTai: " I let my tribe down".  Ya think???

Brawn takes the basket of Long John Silver back to camp, and then searches through the basket to find the idol clue.  No one else apparently thinks about it.  He runs to the pond and finds the idol. 

Ok, so now for the meat of this show.  The Shit for Brains tribe.  Everyone is sitting in the shelter and Garrett says, "I'm saying JTia".  Let's do this without any side conversations.  He pushes Kass to announce that she is aligned with him and she says reluctantly, "yea, probably JTia".  Spencer agrees but thinks the open forum is totally ridiculous.  Hello Kitty has a meltdown.  I WANT CONVERSATIONS.  THIS ISN'T THE SURVIVOR I SIGNED UP FOR WITH THE SIDE CONVERSATIONS AND THE MANIPULATIONS.  Yep, another smart person who always gets her way.  Kitty has the SADS because Garrett and the other ones DON'T WANT TO PLAY THE GAME THE WAY SHE DOES.  She literally cries. 

Spencer thinks Garrett is an idiot.  Now we have to babysit JTia and Kitty.  Garrett wants everyone to just sit together so no one can talk.  What a total meathead.  Kitty and Kass end up at the water and Kitty starts working on Kass.  Says they can be one and two and that if they get rid of Garrett this week she PROMISES that JTia will be next.  Garrett and Spencer wander down to the water and confront them. 

Kass:  YOU DUMB ASSES LEFT JTIA ALONE???????  JTia goes all Brandon Hantz and dumps the rice in the fire.  Kass walks up and says, "who dumped the rice, the RICE FAIRY????"  JTia:"That's what happens when you leave crazy alone".  Garrett is all, "hey, it wouldn't have happened if we had all stuck together".  And no one is really that upset that THERE IS NO RICE. 

Tribal

SO I CAN SEE FROM YOUR FACES SOMETHING IS UP
Spencer: Garrett wanted an open forum, which was not a good idea
Tasha:  I wanted to talk to JTia
Garrett:  I wanted Kass to know we were with her.
JTia:  ok, ok, ok, Jeff, I threw the rice into the fire.  Not my best moment. GET OVER IT PEOPLE
Tasha:  She's volatile which is why I didn't want them to tell her she was going.
Jeff:  THIS IS WHY BLINDSIDES WORK.
JTia:  You spanked my ass publicly Garrett
Kass:  They are all paranoid.  Garrett left her alone when we went to wash our feet.
Tasha:  I FEEL STIFLED,  STIFLED I TELL YA. 
Garrett:  Tasha was upset about our alliance, I mean our tribe.
Kass says she is not in the alliance with Garrett.
Garrett says, "we shoot hands on day 4"
Spencer:  He said it now....
Garrett tries to say Kass approached Spencer and him but Kass insists that isn't the way it went down. 

Time to vote...... Garrett is the second person voted out.  Which begs the question, HOW BAD DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO GET VOTED OUT OVER A CRAZY WOMAN WHO DUMPS YOUR RICE????????

Jeff:  It's the ODDEST TRIBE EVER.