Survivor Samoa Week One

Ok, first off, I have to say that I am already disappointed in this season. Seriously, I was all hepped up expecting Survivor SOMALIA, and the excellent opportunities for the teams to camp in bombed out buildings, dodge bullets, win flak jackets in the reward challenges and, generally, ACTUALLY HAVE TO SURVIVE SOMETHING. But, alas, it's just another season of pretending they are all miserable to be on a gorgeous tropical island. YAWN.

Now, onto the good stuff. Holy crap, was it me or was that the most sexually explicit opening in Survivor history?? Seriously, Jeff standing in his eye-matching-baby blue shirt, as the waves POUNDED in the surf, and spewed huge quantities of water into the air with the sheer forcefulness of the rocking waves. MAN O'FRICKEN MAN. Seriously, I have watched that portion like, 5 times already. Man, gimme more of that Probst Porn every week.

So, the tribes are already divided and, apparently some had advanced notice cause the purple tribe had on purple and the yellow tribe had on yellow. Hmmmmm.

The 2 tribes have to chose leaders without knowing anything about each other. Foa Foa chooses Mick as their leader. Galu chooses the Good Russell. We also learn that the mullet chick likes to be called Shambo. Cause, she's as friggin fat as shamu but can kick you in the balls like Rambo. Screw that, I'm gonna call her Shamwow.

Challenge: The 2 team leaders have to make some choices. They each need to pick the best swimmer, the strongest, the most agile and the smartest.

Mick chooses Jaison as his best swimmer, followed by this long boring discussion of whether or not black dudes can swim. WTF? Cause, what, they are all from the inner city and have only swum in uncapped fire hydrants? He chooses Evil Russell as the strongest.

Ok. I gotta start this thing. Evil Russell is quite possibly my favorite person on this season. Seriously, he looks like a little fat sausage man, and is just plain evil. In his first "cameo", he discusses his plan to "make things as miserable as possible for people". Clearly that includes wearing the most disgusting pair of revealing gray underpants for most of the episode. But, more on that later...

For the most Agile, Mick chooses Marissa, who is quite attractive even if she did chose to wear a headband from her my little pony collection. For the smartest....damn, who would guess he'd go with the Asian in the white lawyer suit.

Good Russell chooses John as his swimmer, Erik as his brawns, Yasmin as most agile (cause you know thin black women are cat-like), and for smartest he goes for the obvious choice to go up against an Asian.....Mullet-wearing Shamwow. Um. Yea. She has to tell us right off the bat that she ain't got no book smarts. Or, apparently, cosmetic smarts.

Wanna know what you're playing for? I dunno, Jeff, is it gonna be maybe, FIRE??? And, is it gonna be in the form of FLINT??

So, we find out the skinny black dude is actually a WATER POLO PLAYER, at an obviously ivy league school, which cracks me up. He kicks some serious water ass. John, his co-swimmer gets his ass kicked and then has to lay on the mat and recover. Sausage man kicks his task of carrying a bunch of logs. Marissa takes off the pony headband and takes on the balance beam, until the cat-like Yasmin gets it done. It all comes down to the Asian and the Mullet who have to.....wait for it..... PUT A FRIGGIN PUZZLE TOGETHER. Argh. So, Shamwow is working it but the Asian (Liz) just looks at it and the pieces fall together. F2 wins fire.

Now onto camp. Over on F2, Ben announces he's the hillbilly and knows all about how to set up a camp. He knows where to build the latrine, so he gets everybody going to work. Which leaves sausage man to form his Dumb-Ass Alliance. According to him, he recruits the the dumb short haired blonde (Ashley) , the dumb long haired blonde (Kelly) and the dumb dark haired chick (Marissa). He also adds in the "old lady", Betsy. She's obviously too smart for him cause she doesn't trust him.

Over on Galu, Good Russell takes charge and gets things going. John, the rocket scientist, shows that he is one of the most annoying overthinkers on the history of the show. "We need to also consider the wind direction, and the rain, and inventory our actions". ahahahhahahah. And, now we know why NASA wastes so much friggin money each year. So, a little bit of camp gets built, Shamwow starts showing her "I'm military, I can't stand these kids" attitude, and everyone goes for a swim BUT Shamwow. Yea, cause, see, making yourself seem 1) mean and nasty, 2) not a part of the group, and 3) basically an outsider on day one is always a good thing. I mean, c'mom, everyone who watched Survivor knows that the big decisions are always make in waste deep water, while people are taking a whiz and rinsing the shit out of their butt cracks.

Nighttime over on F2. Time for a bedtime story, so sausage man tells his harem about being a fireman in New Orleans and surviving hurricane Katrina by sitting on his roof while his beloved dog dies. All lies. Johnny Fairplay strategy is in full motion. My Little Pony girl starts to wonder about him.

Evil Russell gets up in the middle of the night and dumps out all the canteens, burns Jaison's socks and basically sabotages his own tribe to get them at each other's throats. Oh, did I mention he is in reality an Oil Company Executive? Drill baby drill.

Immunity Challenge: 6 of each team have to run over a series of A-frames carrying rope. Once they make it to a platform, they have to use the rope to drag a crate up onto the platform, open the crate to reveal.....PUZZLE PIECES. This was pretty boring, so let me just skip to the end where Shamwow leads her team to puzzle victory over the team led by the Asian. Woohoo. Galu wins immunity, and has to start chanting "Galu is in the house" which is just so damn annoying.

F2 has to eliminate someone. "The weakest should go". It's pretty much Ashley, the dumb short haired blonde who is a spa salesperson. Sausage man is running around taking to everyone, and Marissa calls him on it. Tells him she's 'worried about him". He throws a hissy fit, revealing to me at least that he isn't long for this game, and he goes around telling everyone My Little Pony THREATENED him.

Tribal council is just....really boring. Ashley is an idiot, tells everyone she 'works out tons at home" LOL. Marissa and sausage get into it. End of the day, My Little Pony is voted off, which makes me quite sad cause I was getting into the nickname. ah well.

Foa Foa
Ben Nancy D
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell H Donna
Mike Karen and John
Marisa Ginnie
Elizabeth Leslie
Betsy Becky and Mary
Natalie Carolyn
Ashley Tess

Galu

Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Russell S Lori
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Yasmin Elayne