Oh Holy Survivor

Oh FOR CHRIST SAKE. Literally. I'm starting to wonder if 1) CBS is going out of their way to chose religious nutjobs as an attempt to make this show more about religion than survival or if 2) excessive hunger and body odor makes one become a religious nut job. Either way, IT IS GOD DAMN ANNOYING.


So this week Albert wakes up a little bit to the whole Survivor game thing, and realizes just letting Coach pull him around by the short hairs might in fact NOT be a good strategy. He decides he should be worried about Sophie. Maybe so, but you should also be worried that Coach is living in some Lord of the Rings fantasy and believes he needs to beat his nemesis, Ozzy, in order to find redemption. I can't wait until the reunion show when people have seen him basically promising Oz the second spot.

Albert talks to Rick, because well, talking to Rick is like talking to the back end of a cow. Albert has his own fantasy of Oz coming back to the game and him beating him, then taking Coach and Rick to the final 3, "I feel like I have been the most aggressive player trying to garner jury votes and position myself to win one million dollars and go home the sole survivor.” Man, what season have I been watching??

Challenge: Ozzy and Edna. Yea, this is gonna be hard... it's a slide a puzzle, remove a hatched, get puzzle pieces kinda thang. Ozzy kicks ass on the puzzle even with the tribe helping out Edna. It comes down to the puzzle but of course Oz has too big of a lead on Edna and he beats her. King of the Misfits!!

So it's now every man for him or herself on the island. Albert is getting tired of the whole honor and integrity thing. Brandon tells him they're all good for it to be Brandon, Coach and Albert in the finale. Albert thinks they need to get rid of Sophie and then knock out Ozzie. Brandon just keeps mumbling "God is with us".

On the other side, the real brain trust Coach and Sophie are talking strategy. Sophie wisely realizes Ozzy needs to go. Unfortunately Coach has this whole Ring Lord thing going on. "Ozzy's pleasure dome is on it's way out". Whatever the hell that means!

Albert talks to Coach, says she's a threat. "Albert blows whichever way the wind blows. He knows Sophie is smarter than he is". Then Brandon comes up and wants to know what they are talking about, gets all paranoid. He starts trying to bully Coach. Coach is getting annoyed with Brandon, and with his Dad who also tried to bully Coach last week into taking his son to the finale. Next think you know this little idiot is asking "for a hug, man". He really is crazy ass. Coach "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". Next thing you know Brandon is all "cheer up man, God has it under control".

What game does Brandon think he's playing that God has under control?? I mean, does he really think the Armageddon has arrived and these are the last 5 people on earth and they are playing for Eternal Salvation?? I'm getting worried he doesn't get that this is a reality show. Medic!!

Challenge: Climb a wall, untie puzzle pieces, on a box. Damn it I was really hoping for a bible verse trivia challenge to prove, once and for all, that these people spewing the God shit have never actually read the bible. Wanna know what you're playing for? 72 virgins? Nope, pizza. Remember when they used to pretend to give a shit about the native people of wherever they were invading for the show? Now? Pizza. And who's the loser? Those accountants and teachers who used to get paid to dress up, put a few bones through their noses and pretend to be authentic.

I'll skip the challenge other than to say Brandon wins immunity. THANK YOU JESUS. He chooses Rick to share his reward, probably because he doesn't want to have to do any talking while eating. Hey, didn't Albert give away his reward and ask for a food one in return??

Coach: "I believe in divine intervention...it wasn't Brandon's time to go home."

Back at camp, pizza delivery. Sophie and Coach decide on Albert. Sophie says she wants to just smell the pizza and goes to sit with Brandon and Rick. Albert gets nervous. Sophie tells them she's voting for Albert, Rick says "me too". Brandon decides he has to talk to Albert. A big fight ensues. "Brandon took the lid off Pandora's Box. Everyone says, "hey Albert promised me he was taking me to the finale". LOL. Albert tries to pull Brandon back in.

Brandon "God speaks to me. I want Albert to stay and I'll give him my necklace because I am an imperfect person and I believe in forgiveness". Or some such shit. I was too busy wretching to take notes. He of COURSE wants Sophie to go because he hates women. Coach thinks Brandon is nuts. "God wants Sophie to go".

Coach goes and FREAKING prays about it. "God gave me a name..." AAAAARRRRRRHHHHHHH

Tribal:
Brandon: I want to give up my necklace to Albert
The jury is DYING.
Coach shakes his head.
Brandon goes off on some former gang shit, how they did some stupid shit, and then when there was supposed to be a fight no one else would show up with me...
Jeff: so, dude, it wasn't really a gang...
Brandon: these 2 are my best friends through Christ. My bond with Albert is real, it's spiritual. Holy Spirit of Craziness!
Sophie: I don't know what to believe, Albert is sneaky
Rick: It was great until the pack of wolves hit
Rick: I wonder if, now that he is immune, would Albert give the idol back to Brandon out of loyalty??
Albert: um, NOOOO, Brandon is safe, no need to return the idol

And, then Brandon is voted off. "It's God's will, go win God's redemption...

Survivor: Do You Have Prince Albert in a Can?

Ahhhhh, tribe Savaii is totally gone. Let the cannibalism begin!


Sophie doesn't like Woody, she also thinks Brandon is obsessively devout. Because, yes, it's post tribal prayer time. I sometimes wonder if this is what America would be like if one of these fundamental Christians gets elected president. The traffic lights would have walk, don't walk and pray lights on them.

Woody calls a meeting. I made a sacrifice for you all, to get your tribe to this point, please save me for 1 tribal council, because it's my birthday in 3 days. LOL, which is a total lie.

Albert: He makes a valid point...
Coach: I'd keep him (because Coach is smart enough to know that going to the final with Woody and that hot mess of Savaii on the jury would be excellent)
Sophie: Nope.

Redemption duel of 3. It's the stack dishes anti-pottery challenge. Ozzy, Dawn and Whitney. And of course Ozzie has to win the damn thing. Shit. Oz is all excited to start beating his enemies. "Beating my enemies is what I do best" . Which for some reason reminds me of Elf..."I love Santa, Santa is the best".

And speaking of Christmas...is Woody the model for the lead in the animated movie Arthur's Christmas?? Check it out here: http://www.arthurchristmas.com/

Edna is doing the fishing, cleaning and laundry for everyone. Hmmm, wonder if she'll come to my house for $50 bucks. Albert thinks she's trying to "outclean, outgather and outorganize" everyone else. He'll just keep sitting on his fat ass and letting everyone else work.

Brandon and his new BFF Woody go fishing. Woody is terrified of holding the fish. He really is a total pussy.

Albert finally gets off his ass and tries to help with the laundry, and immediately puts the fire out my spilling water. Coach: Albert has never done a day of work in his life". Rick calls him Prince Albert. LOL. Coach is sounding like he wants Woody to stay. He even takes him out for a little Tai Chi to "give the little grasshopper hope". Woody is all "stoked" after the Coach Chi.

Challenge: Toss 3 sandbags onto crates (didn't they already do this one??) and then slingshot coconuts to break things. Wanna know what you're playing for? Immunity and a survivor spa treatment.

Albert, Rick and Sophie get through the bean bag part of the challenge, and then Prince Albert wins immunity. Bummer. He gets to chose someone else to share the spa day, and picks Coach. Can I chose someone else, Jeff? No, we've only brought in 2 Asians, unless Edna wants to give a massage. Can I give up my reward? Sure. He gives it to Woody and asks someone to give him a food reward sometime.

Coach and Woody go back to the tribe and get their massages. It's Woody's first massage: "having someone stroke the inside of my leg is something new". How OLD is this virgin?? Wonder if the swelling has gone down yet. Coach says, "I'll fight for my little warrior".

Woody talks to Albert. It's not looking good Woody, Coach isn't ready to get rid of Rick yet. Apparently Albert has heard the Prince Albert comment...

Woody and Edna talk. "Albert's mad and wants Rick to go next." Edna's on board with that.

Woody talks to Coach: Alberts wants Rick to go next. The 3 of us are all committed to that.

Coach: There is a tide that is coming... (Whattt???)

Tribal with the Angry Birds jury.
Coach: The possibilities are endless, there's a new scenario hourly
Woody: It will fill the jury with glee to know that I'm on the chopping block, But I think I'm entitled to something for getting this tribe here.
Albert: I agree with Woody
Coach: We are here because of him...
Rick: then it's one of us...
Edna: I'm emotional because I've never been an equal 6. It's sad. I've been deceived...
Brandon: Jesus told me it's Woody followed by Edna, black and white. Suck it up people
Coach: Brandon isn't malleable, it's a blessing and a curse...
Ahhhhhhhh, crazy Brandon returns..... "I'm exhausted now...I want to do wrong things (do them do them!!!!) I'm human.....I want to do good things but something inside me won't let me..." Seriously, this dude is gonna kill a president someday.
Woody-is Brandon cracking? Talking to him about alternative strategies IS LIKE TALKING TO JEFF REGARDING NON-BLUE SHIRTS. hahahahahhahahahahah.
Sophie: I'm not concerned.
Woody: What happens if Edna wins immunity next week? hahahahaha. Not unless it's an ironing challenge.

They vote....and Woody is sent off to meet the great blue Ozzie hunter. We can only pray the duel will be a Star Trek trivia contest...