YO, BITCH (sorry if you're not watching Breaking Bad obsessively like I
am...)
So, week 1! Season 27! Jeff is TOTALLY dying his hair black. Blood in
the water, or as I like to call it, Mini Celebrities and their spawn. It
remains to be seen if this "change" will be an improvement or not. I'm totally
reserving judgement since it already has 2 BIG ASS strikes against it, namely
returning players who I am SURE have already emailed each other or gotten their
agents to arrange a meeting at Starbucks to develop alliances and strategy. In
addition, we have the return of the dreaded RESURRECTION ISLAND. Or redemption,
whatever. It's still massively annoying to me.
Ok, so we already pretty much know the players.
Gervase (which they pronounce wrong and piss me off) and his niece
Marissa-who I understand were last minute replacements.
Kat, who I instinctively hate and can't remember why and her Big Brother
winner boyfriend. Didn't Kat sleaze her way into the end last time??
Laura M who was a big mother to everyone and her real daughter Ciera.
Pirate talker Rupert and his wife the other Laura. Ever wonder what
happens when you accidentally let a tie dyed T-shirt go through the hot wash
with your underwear?? Does your underwear come out even more tie dyed?
The New Colton and his Fiance, Caleb. Caleb is a farmer, so WTF is he
doing with the pink shirted Colton?? My bet is New Colton goes over as well as
New Coke did.
Candace and her husband John are both doctors.
Monica and Brad Culpepper. She was the hot older woman whose husband
played football and made enough money to buy her giant boobs. This season we
get to see the ATM.
Tina and her daughter Katie.
Tyson and Rachel. I have no memory of Tyson.
Aras, who apparently won a season and his druggie brother Vitas. Again, I
have NO MEMORY of Aras.
First up, for those married and dating couples, one last night of sex
before the game begins. Couples spend one night alone without any provisions.
AND APPARENTLY NONE OF THE MINI'LEBS TEACHES THEIR LOVED ONES TO MAKE FUCKING
FIRE.
Next morning they get to meet Jeff and pretend he hasn't been to their kids
birthday parties. OOOOH, you get to play with your loved ones but NOT WITH
THEM, AGAINST THEM. DRAMA! Culpepper says "yea, it might be hard to not throw a
challenge so my loved one could get out of the rain". Just like we do in the
NFL!
Right off the bat, Jeff makes them vote someone off their tribes. On the
Lov'uns Laura B is voted out to weaken Pirate Rupert. Yaaaar he's MAAAAAD. Candace is
voted off the Mini'lebs since she spent her time in med school instead of doing
her time at the Reality TV conventions. Jeff offers them their loved ones the
change to switch with them and Pirate Rupert jumbs at it. Tina all but yells,
"but what about the plan we discussed over mochachinos?? One last kiss and they
are off to Redemption Isle.
At camp they get a box of supplies. Since the mini'lebs had better agents,
they get totally dry wood to instantly make fire, and a secret "shelter in a
box" kit hidden in the jungle. Again, and not for the last time, let me ask,
"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY wouldn't you ask your loved one, who was on
fucking survivor before, SHOW ME HOW TO MAKE A FIRE. Nope. Dumbasses don't
have a clue so they go with out water and shelter. Because apparently you need
fire to make a shelter??
Anyone else catch Colton trying to cut bamboo with a machete pulling it
towards his groin? He and Monica? discuss their history and decide to bury the
hatchet. Or not...
Culpepper stands up and makes a little speech about NOT REALLY thinking of
throwing a challenge. Then the men bond and form an alliance. Ciera tells
Vitas and maybe CulP about being a 16 year old pregnant teen, who is now married
to the daddy of her second child. They discuss how hard that was on her
parents, and yadda yadda. Vitas is all, I CAN TOP THAT! I was a heroin addict
that went to JAIL!! And it saved my life and turned me into a YOGA TEACHER.
It gets even deeper when Colton goes all "waaaaa, I had a tough life as a
rightwinger living in a rightwinger state and having to suffer HOMOPHOBIA.
Waaaaaaaaa. Let's all forget that I went on a RANT last time about all those
non white people on welfare. This time I'M THE VICTIM of bigotry, so it's
BAAAAAAD. He breaks down. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. He claims he's changed.
Remind me again, is Alabama gonna be the last state to allow gay marriage or the
second to last???
Oh, lest we forget about Redemption, Candace is all pissed and taking it
out by doing all the work. LOL. Rupert is sitting around letting her and
conserving energy.
TREE MAIL-which means it really IS survivor! Challenge! With swimming,
paddling and...wait for it.....PUZZLING. Tina says her mom is gonna do the
puzzle but I'M A WAY BETTER PUZZLE DOER THAN HER".
Colton says they have fire and a mini condo. CulP lies and says "oh yea,
us too". Gervase sucks at the swim and paddle part. The love'uns pull way
ahead. The old Colton comes out and threatens Kat over her paddling. The
love'uns are way ahead going into the puzzle, yet Tina KICKS ASS while her
daughter basically does NOTHING. Mini'lebs win immunity! Gervace is totally
obnoxious celebrating the win. Colton is crying.
Back at camp, the love'uns are kinda pissed at Gervase for being a dick.
His niece bags on him for it and they all decide to win with grace. "Whoever we
vote out stabs the loved one in the back". Which is the essence of this season
I believe.
Either they're showing CulP a lot of I can't tell the men apart, but as
they strap on and get ready to go to Tribal he has a WHITE BELT AFTER LABOR DAY
on. Epic fail.
Tribal:
Hayden admits they don't have fire.
Ciera says it's WAY harder than she expected and OMG we're hungry.
Caleb-the blood vs water thing complicates things.
John feels guilty that he didn't change places with Candace.
They discuss winning with dignity and Marissa says her uncle showed no
grace.
Vitas-the actions of your loved ones could work against you.
Namaste.
Marissa: I'm guilty by association. Judge me not him
Katie: yea, well I sucked it at the puzzle so I'm just glad that
traditionally an african american player is the first one voted off.
Time to tally-HO, Jeff. And lo and behold, the non-white girl is first
voted off! Off to Redemption Island for a 3 way!!
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