Survivor-Twofer Update

Hello!  And welcome back to me.  I know you all missed the last 2 updates so here we go...

Last time I commented, Hali had been sent to the jury.  

Rodney is all full of himself, playing both sides and "just waiting for his time".  Shirin, the hopeless outsider is still trying to find a way to fit in.  Mike approaches her and asks her what her perfect strategy would be, and she says she'd go for Carolyn because Carolyn is part of a tight 4 within their presumed 6 alliance.  Mike is all, "I know that".  Mike asks if she would go along with him and she agrees.  However she thinks it'll be for only one vote and then "she can start taking control".  

Challenge

Merika is split into 2 teams, and it's a water obstacle course with a platform, and then they have to hook 5 rings.  Wanna know?  You're playing for a chance to go to the Chocolate Cafe PROVIDED BY MARS, MAKERS OF PEANUT M&Ms.  Blue team is Mike, Tyler, Shirin, Dan and Sierra while Red team is Rodney, Jenn, Joe, Carolyn and Will.  Carolyn falls....Shirin falls.....we're tied and then THE BLUE TEAM WINS.   Jenn is totally distraught and bummed out.  Joe says "it's still a good day to be on Survivor".  

At the chocolate cafe Mike films a snickers commercial.  

The red team thinks, fuck it, we're eating one of these chickens.  Jenn is even sadder and full of despair at the loss of another of her "friends".  Rodney amuses everyone by doing pretty good impressions of Mike and Dan.  Joe realizes that Rodney really doesn't like Mike.  

Joe and Jenn talk.  Jenn doesn't want to be there anymore.  She wants him to let her win immunity if it comes down to them, and then she'll switch it out and give him the necklace at the last minute.  Just because that would be fun to screw with the cool kids.  

Immunity Challenge:  It's the balance on your toes while holding a block on your head against the upper frame challenge.  Joe is in the final 4 but doesn't make it.  His only hope Jenn, is last up with Tyler....but Tyler wins immunity.  Booooo.  

Shirin, who endlessly runs the numbers in her noggin, sees that there could be a "numbers loophole" where by the blue team will split the vote 3 for Jenn, 3 for Joe and Shirin could actually be a swing vote to cause either a tie or a 4 vote advantage for either Jenn or Joe.  Jenn talks to Shirin and asks that she votes for her instead of Joe.  

Mike realizes one person could mess things up.  He tells Shirin who to vote for and makes it clear it's a loyalty thing.  

Joe realizes his only bet is to fake an idol.  Mike has everyone watching Joe all day so Joe takes Dan outside of camp to talk to him.  After they finish Dan returns to camp and Joe sprints away to his collection of stuff which he uses to make a fake idol (FYI-he makes jewelry for a "living" which probably means he wires shit together and sells it at tacky craft fairs.  I know because I have had the booth next to him a bazillion times).  

Mike sees Dan is like "WHERE THE HELL IS JOE".  Dan is like, oh yea I was supposed to watch him.  Mike runs off into the jungle and finds Joe.  Joe says he has an idol and he is willing to vote for Jenn in exchange for the idol if Joe gets to stay.  Mike knows he has an idol but wonders if there is another idol.  Mike wants the idol in advance but Joe doesn't want to give it to him in advance of tribal.

Tribal

Joe hands Mike his fake idol.  

Jenn admits to Jeff that she is apathetic.  " A lot of good stuff and a lot of bad stuff is happening" She tells Jeff that she was hoping to win immunity so she could give it to Joe because everyone is gunning for him.  But she says she is not quitting.

Joe points out that he wants to be there but Jenn is done emotionally

Shirin says something about it being to her advantage for Jenn to be there at the end not Joe

Mike asks Jeff to verify the idol but Jeff says he can't verify it until it's played

Vote.

Any idols?  Mike plays the fake one "for Will".  Jeff confirms it's fake.  

Aaaaaaand, Joe is voted out.  WHAAAAAAAAA.  THERE IS NO ONE TO ROOT FOR ANYMORE!!!

And the following week begins now.....

Rodney is talking to his final 4 about how now may be the time to take Mike out.  Aaaand, Mike overhears the entire thing.  

Bang, we're at the Trader Jeff's auction.  Everyone gets $500, no sharing.  First up is a covered item, which Will buys for $100.  It contains a note.....that says "bye bye your time at the auction is over".  It's quite bullshit.  Shirin buys Chicken and Waffles for $300 and says she isn't waiting for the advantage.  Jeff asks who is waiting for the advantage?  Dan, Carolyn and Mike say they aren't gonna go for any food.  

So Jeff basically sells out all of the food to those who are eating.  And then, the love letters from home. Shirin points out that in previous seasons whatever the price was for one, everyone got to purchase for that same price.  Carolyn asks the advantage 2 if they would also go for it and then have $480 for the advantage bid.  They agree but Mike welches at the last minute.  Dan is actually crying for his letter because his wife "is the love of his life and the what you read about".  LOL, she is probably also a goat.  Carolyn et al are pissed and she gives her letter back.  Finally Mike grows a pair and spends the $20.  

The advantage goes for $480 and is a 3 way tie. They draw straws and Dan gets it.  Auction is over.  Dans says that Mike broke his heart with his betrayal.  

Will walks back to camp and finds a clue for a burried box.  And, the box is actually marked so he can't miss it.  It's a box with snacks and something called electrolyte powder for his use until the end of the game.  AND THAT'S ALL.  Will decides to share the bounty because he is not a shrewd asshole.  Unfortunately he is on an island with a bunch of shrewd assholes.  

Everyone returns to camp and Will excitedly shows his stuff.  Mike talks to Shirin and tells her he was a dick because he knows Rodney has flipped and he needed the advantage.  He tells her "I'm blowing this up". 

At camp, everyone is loving their letters and Mike goes postal, says he knows the plan is for the 4 to take him out, yells how flippers never win... Shirin says this is clearly exhaustion and paranoia.  Mike ultimately apologizes for ruining the feel good time.  

Dan tells Rodney' "Mike is over the deep end.  He dogged you, man"

Dan opens his advantage and learns that he gets an extra vote at a tribal of his choosing.  He calls it his Willie Wonka Golden Ticket moment.

Mike stirs up shit by wondering if Will shared all that was in his box.  He wonders where the rest of the box is.  Will loses it and gets the box, calls Shirin Miss Greedy Ass and then proceeds to berate her about no one loving her at home.  Ok, it's probably true  but it was over the top.  Mike pulls her out of there as Will keeps up and Shirin gets to 'share' her domestic abuse family situation story.  Will tells her to leave and that Mike is her bitch.  OK, probably not wise but WHAT A FUCKING AWESOME RANT.  

Immunity Challenge

Will tells Jeff, who has already been  informed I'm sure by the camera people that he isn't doing well.  It hurt to leave the auction without the chance to get a letter from home.  He asks if he can opt out of the challenge in exchange for his letters?  Jeff puts it to the group and Shirin says NOPE.  

The challenge is a teeter totter thingy they have to walk through carrying a ping pong ball with a pair of tongs, and then place the ball on a stand.  Spoiler alert, Mike kicks ass and wins immunity.  Will says "bring the popcorn, it's gonna be the best tribal ever".  

Lots of shit at camp.  Carolyn keeps saying they are 6 strong.  Mike wants to break the 6 up by breaking the 4 up.  Asks Shirin about Tyler or Carolyn?  He's not even sure about Sierra or Dan.

Jenn is trying to work Dan but admits "my entire game is in a dumbasses hands.  

Mike talks to Dan who tells him they are a 6 person alliance not a 4.  Carolyn thinks Dan would be stupid to flip.  Mike is working him all day.  Everyone is working Dan who is like DO NOT PISS ME OFF AND DO NOT GIVE ME ANY MORE ADVICE, IT'S MY CHOICE.  MIIIIIIIINE.  

TC

Will brings up the Shirin fight, says he shared it all-all food and there was no letter.  Shirin didn't believe him so he exploded.

Shirin begs to differ.  Says he went personal bringing up that she had no family, no soul and was a loser (did he??) She explains that she is a victim of domestic abuse from her dad which is why she doesn't have family.  I think there is a lot more of this on the cutting room floor, personally. 

Sierra says that they are "worlds apart" Jeff (and gets an M&M as a treat for using the theme name).  They are just 9 starving individuals.  

Dan admits there are breaks in the blue collar alliance.  'You can't just park your emotions"

Mike points out that there is a 4some who has decided he is a threat, but he points out that Sierra and Dan are next.  

Rodney tells Jeff that they are mad that Mike almost screwed up people getting letters from love ones.  

Jeff pretends to be surprised at and tribal discontent but his botox gets in the way.

Shirin points out that is's not 6 vs 3 anymore but 4 vs 2 vs 1. 

Carolyn goes back to the we're 6 strong picking off the others meme

Dan says, it's all about how and who you get to the end vote with.

Vote

No idol played.....and Jenn is the next one out. She tells them to play nice on the way out!  

Survivor: The massive, missing updates.

So, seriously, no one called or emailed to see if I was still alive??  WTF??  LOL.  Well I am and I just did a 6 episode binge watch in order to get us all caught up.  

OK. so last time we spoke there were still 3 tribes and Nina had just gotten voted off No Collars because she used to have a collar and they could still see the marks.  

So, blah blah blah reward challenge:  It's the blindfolded people having to follow a caller to pick up shit, lift it up to a platform and probably there was a flag involved. Yes, there were flags.  Wanna know?  First place gets chickens and a rooster.  Second gets 10 eggs.  And about 5 minutes into it THERE IS BLOOD!!!  STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING THERE IS OMG BLOOOOOOOOD AND WE NEED MEDICAL But don't take your blindfolds off because it sounds more ominous like a severed limb when you are still blind.  The aussie (but this time a man) medic comes in and says, "meh, just a flesh wound".  And they go about the challenge with all kinds of blood born diseases flowing around.  No collar comes in first, and white collar second.  It's Will's birthday so they decide to eat a chicken for his birthday.  Aaaaand there is always one in the crowd that thinks meat is some magic element that grows on Styrofoam in the supermarket.  Jenn is upset about them eating her friend and she goes off.  And finds an idol.  

Blue tribe is always fighting about something. It's some man vs woman thing today.  On the white tribe Shirin is saying she learned how to kill and skin animals on youtube, and in fact practiced on a rabbit before the show.  Nothing says SOCIOPATH quite like killing animals. There is a lot of general discussion of who is crazier, Max or Shirin.

Immunity Challenge:  It's a rope obstacle to get balls, and then one of those games we had as a kid where you have to get 3 balls into a clowns orifices.  LOL.  What, only I had one of those?  Anyway, blue collars lose and go to tribal.

Dan is a ladies man. He just knows how to smile and nod and not pay any attention the broads because they don't know anything.  Mike and Kelly are the true alliance of this tribe.  They don't trust Rodney or Lindsey.  

At tribal Rodney says something about chicken paaaaahm and tuna fish.  Sierra says Rodney is a pig basically.  Rodney thinks women should hold themselves to a higher level.  

The vote is a 3 way tie between Lindsey, Rodney and Sierra.  Sierra is all WTF???  Revote and Lindsey is gone.  Back at camp Sierra is pissed off and Mike tells her "you're not one of us", while Dan piles on the charm about why she's lazy and bad at challenges and on the outs.  

Reward Challenge:  But first it's a switch up to 2 tribes.  Basically the blue tribe stays the same with the exception of Kelly who gets stuck with most of the No Collars, and Shirin, Max and Carolyn who basically wants to drown herself.  The reward is for kitchen supplies, plus whatever the white collars had won in the past.  Blue wins.

Max and Shirin are totally annoying everyone with their Survivor trivia.  Seriously they are like 2 idiots at a Survivor Fan Conference that don't realize the rest of us are laughing at what complete losers they are.  Kelly goes to talk to them to feel them out in true undercover style.  Shirin, who totally thinks she is in charge "solidified things with Kelly".  

On Blue Mike realized he, Dan and Rodney lighting into Sierra the way they did might not have been a smart move.  She cannot wait for them to take a walk so she can dump on them to her new male tribemates.  "I hate them".  Mike is nervous seeing her talk to Joe, Joaquin and Tyler.

Jenn can't stand Shirin, who announces she is going to try to poop.  "You won't poop if you don't try" which is a complete inaccuracy.  Max gets bitten by 2 stingrays on both of his feet.  Jenn tells him to put his feet in the water pot to soak.  About an hour later he lifts his foot out and he has a BIG OLD NASTY PLANTERS WART.  I seriously want Hali saying "It's discuuuusting" on repeat to use as my new ringtone.  LOL.  He is so awful and clueless that he is awful.  

Will speaks finally and says that Max is on his nerves.  Carolyn, who has been waiting for an opportunity says "welcome to my world".  

Mike tries to get Dan to apologize to Sierra, and he tries to tell him what to say and what to not say.  But Dan has talked to binders full of women in his life and he goes right ahead and pissed her off even more with a crappy "I apologize but you did the same thing to me first".  

Immunity:  Move 2 big post by pushing/pulling a sled through an obstacle course and mud, set them on little stands and then use a wrecking ball to smash 'em.  Ok, basically the red tribe suffers a humiliating defeat as the men on blue are way stronger.  

Max says he had to contain his smile because he's so happy to go to tribal and "change the dynamic of the game".  Seriously, the producers couldn't have created a bigger douchebag if they had made a douchebag robot.  Max goes on this thing about which horoscope sign wins more often and Jenn is like, WHO THE FUCK KNOWS THIS STUFF??"  

Shirin and Max, the power couple, tell Kelly that it's Will.  And they tell Carolyn as well.  Carolyn meanwhile goes to Jenn and tells her she isn't AT ALL part of those 2 nutjobs and she would love to get rid of them.   Max is SO EXCITED to be finally playing Survivor!  Anyone else think he sometimes goes 39 days without showering or changing his clothes to recreate a little Survivor in his life?  

WHO IS MOST ANNOYING???

Tribal

Shirin tells Jeff that they all jelled right from the start, and then she's all OMG JEFF WHY DID YOU MAKE A FACE AT ME???  It was painfully embarrassing.  

Kelly says it was in fact uncomfortable when they got together

Max is all "your hinting at something here Jeff that on paper we're a horrible tribe blah blah blah"

Jenn laughs about his "knowledge" of Survivor.  

Shirin tells her "Survivor has always been my dream".  

Max knows it's not healthy and admits he has to take mandatory vacations.  

Will says those 2 are always constantly talking. 

Hali says that there are loyalty votes.... and there are quality of life votes.....  I'm hoping for a more pleasant tribe.

Vote.  Any idols?  Max pretends to have one.."hey, Jeff, hold up BRO".....just because he has always wanted to say that he does.  

Will gets 2 and Max, your tribe has spoken..... LOL. Shirin is blindsided!!

Next, Shirin is all "no one wants to play with me".  Hali tells her Max was annoying, and so are you. Shirin does the whole Sandy in Grease thing about being different growing up with beautiful and rich classmates and now it's time for her solo:

Shirin, you must start anew
Don't you know, what you must do
Hold your head high, take a deep breath and sigh
Goodbye to Shirin Oskooi.

Rodney is tired of playing with the same people telling the same stories.  He's looking for a new bromance.  Rodney and Jaoq get to bonding.  We're not like Mike who goes to church and is celibate.  We're MENS.  Work haaaaaard and Paaaaaaarty haaaaaaard.  Rodney's got him some plans.  

Reward Challenge:  the required obstacle course, followed by climbing up a giant platform and launching sandbags at targets which, I swear" have people who raise flags if the target is hit.  Wanna know??  An evening trip to a sanctuary with migrating turtles laying eggs.  Oh and beef stew with mac and cheese. 

So, yea same old shit.  But strangely the last part of the course you have to climb up on barrels to shoot the sandbags, but then you can take the steps back down,  because there are steps right there.  Why not let them just go up the friggin steps???

It comes down to Tyler missing and Jenn hitting for the win.  Shirin is excited for her change to bond as the new leather wearing, teased hair Shirin.  

Joaq talks to Sierra about getting her old tribe mates out.  And then it's an easy layup.  Joac has Sierra, Tyler and he thinks Rodney as his 4 some.  Sierra hates Rodney so Joac approaches him about the plan.  He needs Rodney to suck up to Sierra.  Rodney is planning on going with these 4 and then flipping and being control of the game.  Rodney cooks up a scheme to throw the next challenge and get rid of Joe before the merge.  He gets Mike on board.  Mike 'splains that losing on purpose never really works but THIS TIME it's now no fail.  

Immunity Challenge"  Memorize a bunch of objects and their order and then recreate it.  Rodney is up against Carolyn, and Carolyn wins.  Sierra loses to Hali, Joe beats Will and Dan beats Shirin to bring it to a 2-2 tie with Mike up against Kelly.  Mike starts off trying to fake that he can't do it, and Kelly gets it wrong.  They reset and he basically tells her "I'm giving it to you", and he tells her the order they are in.  She gets it wrong again.  Again.  He finally tells her, "Just look at mine and switch the bottles in the middle".  She does and finally gets it right.  Jesus.  

Back at camp, Mike is starting to not trust Rodney because of the bromance.  Mike tells Rodney it's Joe.  Mike and Dan talk to Joe who tells them "I think Rodney and Joaq are reeling Sierra in".  Sierra is still mad at Dan.  Mike and Dan talk to Sierra about Rodney and Jaoq.  

Tribal

Joe says yes the blue tribe is one big happy family with cracks

Dan says they are dysfunctional

Sierra says, yep, I was crapped on.  Mike was marginally better to me... I feel better with these new guys might be a good opportunity for me.

Joac says lots of people come up to you...

Joe says it could all be bullshit. I have no one...

Sierra is still on the 'I was personally attacked" thing.

Mike is hopefully pushing the early trust thing.  

Time to vote.

Joe gets 3 votes but Joaq gets the majority and is off the island.  Rodney is very confused.

Next week, Rodney is PISSED OFF by the blindside.   Mike talks to him about everyone being worried he was too close to Joac.  Rodney tells Mike it was a "bergasie fake alliance" , which means nothing to me. He says he was only doing it to pull information from them before the alliance.  He wasn't falling into a bromance trap but was acting, bro.  I was putting my De Niro on.  And now he's all "disrespected".  I'm now Mike's bitch until the merge.  

Tree mail...is it a merge?  Kelly tries to sell it that she doesn't like any of her old teammates but Carolyn isn't buying it.  

They get to the beach and there's no Jeff because even his isn't digging anyone on this season.  There's a note and a box of food.  Merged.  While they are eating they discuss what everyone thought was gonna happen with the split and it's universally excepted that everyone was waiting for a Rodney.Joaquin bromance.  Carolyn and Tyler manage to whisper to each other that you can't show that you are close to anyone.  They get back and the former camp is all gone.  It's day one and time to start over.  Mike and Kelly are back together.  The Blues are 5 strong but they need 2 more for the numbers.  Jenn knows they've lost Kelly.  Hali admits they're gonna have to suck it up and put up with Shirin.  

Rodney is actually working another angle to get rid of Mike, Dan and Sierra who got rid of him date.  He's thinking  of working with the no collars with Kelly and Carolyn and chopping off the heads of the blues.  Tyler and Carolyn realize they are the swing votes.  

Dan gets a jellyfish sting.  He runs into Jenn and tells her he's already peed on it.  She tells him he needs to put it in hot water.  He walks into camp and demands hot water.

Mike decides to name the tribe MERICA, which is so redneck it made me laugh out loud. Shirin thinks it's ridiculous and that he's a red neck idiot that doesn't know his own country's name.  Even Sarah Palin knows there is an A in America.  

Mike tells Rodney they are going to get Joe out of there.  Says he has to do "Rodney Maintenance".  

Individual Immunity.  It's the tried and true pole hugging challenge.  It's pretty eventful. even with Jenn getting stung in the hoo haa.  It starts to rain even.  Finally, Carolyn falls off and Joe wins immunity.  Which leaves everyone scrambling for a new plan.  Mike is wondering, Jenn or Hali?  He needs Rodney to think he's in control.  He also wants to feel Will out so he tells him Hali.  Kelly tells Carolyn they need to split up Jenn and Hali.  

Jenn's idea is to get rid of Kelly to cripple the blue tribe.  Mike and Tyler talk.  Tyler doesn't trust him, says he has to loop him in.  Tyler has options.  

Jenn tells Hali she has an idol so they need to figure out which of them is going to get the votes.  

Tribal

Will says, yes Jeff you can feel the electricity.  Nobody is safe.  Hell, it might be you Jeff tonight!  

Joe says there are 12 strategies and everyone is holding a knife.  

Will says "this is how I have to go to show loyalty:

Mike says basically the white collars are in charge.  

Tyler says this vote will divide the tribe tonight.

Carolyn agrees that lines will be drawn.

Jenn says there has been chaos all day but there is always a bottom level rumor that never goes away.

Jeff asks about any idol play, which I think hasn't occurred to anyone.  

Dan says pleading your case won't help tonight because the tribe is going to be divided by a chainsaw.

Vote.  Any idols?  BOOM, Jenn plays hers.  No votes for Jenn count and Kelly is voted off.  

Shit just got real!  

Next week, Rodney is angry.  LOL.  He is always angry.  He's a little hustler who changes directions constantly and lies to get away with it.  He's blaming Mike-"Idiot redneck".  Rodney tells Will this is interesting stuff, and they should sit back and let Mike get rid of people and then they'll run the ship.  

Mike tells Jenn that he "respected" that play.  Jenn says No Collars are back in town and there are more games to be played.  

Rodney is being an ultimate douche.  He tells Shirin to add more rice BECAUSE I SAID SO.  And then a salami fight breaks out because he is removing the casing and Shirin doesn't want him to. He tells her that it's pointless for her because they have 7, and the game is over for them.  "We just have to weed out the garbage".  

Reward Challenge:  It's balance beams, puzzle pieces and then the top 3 do the puzzle.  Reward is a zipline trip with a pizza picnic.  

It comes down to Joe, Mike  and Hali doing the puzzle.  Joe wins reward.  He gets to pick  to join him and chooses. Tyler, Will and Carolyn.  One more.....he picks "superfan" Shirin.  Rodney is all "we're 7 strong we don't need a picnic".  Mike is concerned because he knows there will probably be a clue to an idol.  And in fact Joe sees Carolyn's bottle of soda has a clue in it and asks if there is anything left to drink.  She offers him her soda and he tries to slip the clue into his mouth.  Tyler sees it.  Tyler doesn't say anything.  

At camp, Joe knows he's busted so they take a walk, which makes Mike suspicious.  Mike follows them.  He wonders why Joe would be sharing.  He joins them and then Tyler reveals that Joe got a clue and he tells them what the clue said.  Mike runs into camp basically yelling FIND JOE!!  After a mad scramble Mike tells everyone he saw Joe find the idol.  He does a big drama about "HEY GOOD LUCK BUDDY, GLAD YOU FOUND IT",  to put a target on Joe's back.  

Dan is in the water pooping with Shirin and he's like "why can't you people do basic math?  You're one of Joe's minions.  Your game is over.  Dan want to slap her.  "There are 2 people in Survivor- those that don't do anything and those that annoy everyone.  You're annoying.  

Mike is looking for the idol, and eating termites.  He finally finds it to the hashtag #happydance.  

Immunity Challenge.  It's a set of 3 of those puzzles we used to be given for long car trips where you have to slide little tiles around to spell shit.  I hated those.  Shirin is excited because she is all into puzzles.  

Joe of course is first to the final puzzle.  Dan keeps saying he has it but he doesn't.  Finally....wait for it....Joe wins immunity!  

Rodney is mad....at Mike again.  LOL.  Shirin says everyone thinks she's weak and not a threat. Mike, Carolyn, Dan, Tyler and Sierra get together to discuss the vote. Carolyn suggests that they vote out Shirin.  Mike is afraid she might have the idol so he suggests Hali, because she is Joe's ally.  Tyler tells them that he doesn't think Shirin has the white collar idol.  Hmmmmm, how come he's so sure of that??  

Shirin tells the girls what Dan said to her.  They girls all pretend they're all girl power gonna stick together.  They decide on Dan.  Shirin tells Tyler their plan.  THEN WHAT??  Well, a blue kingpin is gone...

Tribal

Tyler admits Jenn using her idol bummed a lot of people out.  He says lines were already starting to blur.

Sierra says she can go either way.

Dan says something about flippers never win.

Shirin disagrees and points out that Tony was a flipper who won.  

Hali goes on some drug induced thing about MERICA and what would have happened if the colonists would have never flipped on the British....

Um, yea, it's time to vote.

Any idols?  No?  

Dan gets 4 votes.....But Hali is the first member of the jury.....  Joe whispers "I'm sorry".  

WHEW.  I WILL NEVER WAIT UNTIL THE END OF THE SEMESTER TO DO ALL OF MY HOMEWORK AGAIN, I PROMISE.