3 fucking
hours and yes, I have some things to say!
First, I enjoyed
it way more than I expected-given these survivors have been together a million
times at “Survivor Con” and have probably all talked strategy about how they
would play next time.
Second, while
the show was droning on and on I looked up the contestants and while there were
7 that have played MULTIPLE times, most of them had only played once which
surprised me. Also interesting to someone
(me) who has watched every season and remembers those awful seasons (remember
that porn star winner?) there was a whole string between season 18 and 32 where
there is NO ONE represented (ignoring the 2 “all stars”). So I wasn’t crazy that those seasons were
boring.
Third- I am
wondering if they build in so many players because there are a lot of old
people now and injuries will happen…
Fourth-WHAT
THE FUCK is with the false eyelashes???
Cirie definitely is wearing them and I believe at least one other woman
is. Seriously??? And let’s just put this right out here now instead
of me bitching about it every week: they clearly get a backpack and they are
allowed to fill it with whatever they want.
There’s an entire wardrobe in those bags!! Remember those old days when they got ONE LUXURY
ITEM and some fool brought a bible?
OK. I am not doing a full summary of 3 fucking
hours but let’s go through the tribes.
And is it me or are they reusing tribe names??
First up,
Jeff asked them why they are back.
LOL. I don’t know Jeff maybe
because these people are attention whores and have made a side hustle going to
the afore mentioned Survivor Con weekends and need a boost?
Jenna says
she wants to see what she can learn now as an older person.
Mike White says he would have had FOMO.
Mike and Jeff are real life good friends…
Cirie says Survivor is like home and busts out a tear pushing the whole “I’m
just a girl on the couch” bullshit even though she’s come back every time Jeff
calls.
Colby, who is a STAGGERING 50 says he is now in the midlife crisis period of
self reflection and it was either this or a boat
Coach, who doesn’t look has high end as he used to says they are all here because
if they weren’t they would have REGRET and that is the strongest emotion.
Jeff says WE
WANT YOUR BLOOD. Or Achilles. Oh, and FANS VOTED and they have to earn rice
and supplies.
They are “randomly”
split into tribes.
Cila (orange):
3 multi season players and 5 only played once
Joe
Savannah
Christian
Cirie
Ozzy
Emily
Rick (Devens)
Jenna
It will be
interesting to see if Joe still plays like a choirboy. He says he loves his tribe. Savannah is an unknown and states up front
that she is just off a win. Jenna thinks
she must have done something bloody to get an immediate invite to return. Jenna is RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE gunning for
Cirie, which makes sense but girl, dial it back a bit.
Devens and
Christian bond looking for idols. It’s
our first bromance and they refer to themselves as a Spock/Kirk
relationship. Devens approaches Emily who
is thrilled someone wants to work with her, and the nerd caucus begins. We also
find out Christian has a 6 week old baby boy.
Not gonna lie, Christian is my current crush. He also made fire with his and someone else’s
glasses and is a nerd hero!
Cirie tells Devens
that she likes Christian, and Devens lights the first bomb telling her Jenna is
gunning for her.
Ozzy is
struggling a bit with all the other manly
men I think. He, Coach and Q went
on a challenge on what is now Exile Island and while he was Ozzying himself
making a stick to get a key, Coach sat back and let him knock it off the post
and them grabbed it. So, Coach won the
supplies and Ozzy has even more bad feelings about him. Ozzy and Q spent the night on Exile and Q
gave up his vote to Ozzy for them to get off the island. Ozzy tells the tribe
he got nothing. Cirie and Ozzy cuddle up and he tells her about his extra
vote.
Kalo (team):
has 1 multiplayer and 7 only once players
Jonathan
Dee
Mike
Kamilla
Charlie
Tiffany
Coach
Chrissy
I guess because
we haven’t seen these people a million times this is a tribe of barely knowns
to me.
Dee says her
reputation is cutthroat and she’s gonna be worse this season but I have no
memory of her. Jonathan is the meat of
the team, but lil Mike White has some abs on him. Mike White could win this game because no one
will want to vote him off, given half of them have screenplays to show him and
the other half want a spot on White Lotus.
Mike asks Charlie to be his strategist.
He says irritating people will be targeted, which is 100% how I would play
the game.
Coach says
his 4.0 version is going to be ruthless. He returns triumphant. Jonathan says Coach loves to be the
hero. We get to see Coach’s 1988 toe
ring and Charlie gets to try it on.
Gag. Chrissy “loves the strategy” and tells Coach they need to stick
together. She is already targeting Dee.
Vatu (“magenta”)
tribe : 3 multiplayers and 5 only oncers
Colby
Genevieve
Rizo
Angelina
Q
Stephenie
Kyle
Aubry
Vatu wins
the very first challenge and gets flint.
Initially Colby can’t stand Rizo because he “doesn’t have a good work
ethic” and never shuts up. Later on he grows to like him, noticing Riz plays
and amazing social game. Riz is
basically star struck. Stephenie and
Colby must have hooked up at the Cincinnati Mariott because they instantly are
working together.
Coach and Kyle
seem to be working together. They like
Genevieve and think Stephenie is good to go.
Maybe they’ve heard the antisemetic rumors too? Colby tells Genevieve his left ear is bad,
which I forgot.
Aubry gets
RIGHT INTO IT with Genevieve asking her what she thinks of her and what kind of
game she is playing. It’s oddly aggressive. Aubry says she has a bad vibe from Gen but girl! You the bad vibe. Aubry says she has to cut her throat before
she cuts hers.
Rizo has
everyone doing a fashion show and Colby says he is fun and has won him over. He sees him as a “young Colby” and wants to
know how he can help him grow up into a strong Colby. LOL. Rizo
realizes he has to go from Riz the fan to Riz the player.
Finally, a
challenge
It’s obstacles
and a puzzle. NO WAY!!! Fans decide that too?? First tribe gets immunity and the first 2 get various
amounts of fishing gear so we can watch Ozzy fish. Fishing gear was probably in his contract.
Kyle gets
hurt and they stop the challenge and bring in medical but let it resume a few
minutes later. Q comes down the ramp he
was trying to run up and helps him up.
The Cila tribe
gets screwed because Cirie cannot throw a ball into a Y shaped pull
thingy. Looooots of time goes by and Jeff,
who wants to be on the other side watching the puzzle keeps yelling at
her. Not sure why they can’t switch
someone out but apparently they can’t.
So Kalo wins first, followed by Vatu and Cila is going to tribal.
At this
point I asked my husband how fucking long this show was?
Christian is
all, we made mistakes, we need to learn from it and move on. Cirie is devastated because she let the tribe
down. It sucks to be the weakest
link. Jenna is RIGHT ON THIS SHIT. Says they would have won without her. Tells Ozzy she’s 55 and can’t swim or run…Ozzy
tries to protect Cirie and Jenna says THAT IS WHY I CANT TRUST YOU. Ozzy is still pushing saying they can find
places in challenges for her…Christian says Jenna is dangerous and will take
over and drive the votes. Joe, OF COURSE
is conflicted because he never wants anyone to go but he wants to win.
Savannah and
Joe are team Jenna because they know Ozzy and Cirie are a dangerous pair. Joe tells Devens that Cirie and Ozzy are
powerful. Emily thinks Ozzy came out for
Cirie HARD and wonders if they should
take out Ozzy. She believes keeping the
Cirie/Jenna drama works for her. Savannah
wants Cirie.
Tribal. Fire is part of the ritual…..
Jenna says
the set is way larger than season 1! Jeff says, dude you should see my
paychecks. She says tribal is a bigger
thing now and are much longer. I agree.
Joe says he has baggage, that since Kyle and Kamilla “gave him a wedgie” he has
trust issues
Christian agrees there are no clean slates and there is a lot of history
Ozzy says THIS TIME he wants to be a much more mature player.
Cirie says she is trying to play transparent
Devens says he was sitting around waiting for the call and he has watched every
episode
Cirie says today was not her best day and she’s here for a new experience
Savannah is asked about the value of people in challenges and says basically it
depends if she likes someone
Emily says there isn’t an obvious vote
Vote. Any idols? Nope.
Cirie gets 1
vote and Jenna is gone. And we still have
a freaking HOUR LEFT.
Kyle says
his ankle is feeling better…
Stephenie
and Gen go idol looking and Gen finds one.
Tells Kyle. It’s a Billie Eilish
sponsored idol (oh please tell me we are not doing this…..) It’s a boomerang
idol. She has to send it to someone on
another tribe and if they are voted off with it, it reverts to her. She sends it to Ozzy.
A boat
arrives. One person has to get on the boat. Mike, Savannah and Colby go to the island. Only 2 players can play basically Tetra, one
loses their vote. They do rock paper scissors
and I’m 63 and still do not understand how that works. Anywhoo….
Colby and Savannah
go at it. Yes, I was yelling JAN, WATCH
YOUR BRACELET. Colby is trying to build
the tower up high because Savannah is short but alas, his piece knocks it over
and she wins. Colby thinks, she might be
someone he can work with… Savannah gets a ‘Dynamic advantage”-which is a secret
block a vote.
Back at camp,
Mike tells Coach Colby said something about Oz and him that he heard at the
last small challenge and Coach is really upset.
“My currency has been devalued”.
Colby explains
that he lost his vote and Savannah won.
Q thinks they are now down 2 votes.
Savannah tells them that she got to keep her vote but no other advantage
and Devens doesn’t believe that for a minute.
We basically
have an hour of commercial breaks…
Aaaaaand in comes
a boat to the Kalo tribe because apparently Medical told Legal they allowed Kyle
to continue the challenge and Legal LOST THEIR SHIT. Sooooo. They come and do a few exercises (and
I can now diagnosis a torn Achilles) and off he goes.
Please GOD
no more 3 hour episodes.
Cila (orange):
Joe John Sellman, Susan Weber
Savannah Alt 3
Christian Lori, Kevin and Ashley
Cirie Ginnie, Joey
Ozzy Amy, Lorna
Emily Noller Girls, Betty M
Devens Chris, Beth*
Kalo (team):
Jonathan Alt 7
Dee Noller Boys, Emma
Mike Meg, Elizabeth
Kamilla Jill, Bill
Charlie Alt 9
Tiffany Alt 6
Coach Alt 5
Chrissy Alt 10
Vatu (“magenta”)
tribe :
Colby Alt 4
Genevieve Alt 2
Rizo Elayne, John Stadnicar
Angelina Betty N, Tommy
Q Kimberely, JoAnne
Stephenie Stacy, Karen
Aubry Donna, Sue V
Out
Jenna Chris, Beth*
Kyle Alt 8
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