Amazing Race 14 Week 1

Ok, the first one is always the hardest. You don't know who to hate, who to bag on, who to cheer. 11 contestants arrive in US Marine Corp helicopters. So glad we're not in TWO FRIGGIN WARS or anything and the USMC has time for a little show biz.

Contestants line up at the "Joint Forces Training Base in Los Alamitos, home to the California National Guard and the Army Reserve" Guess they weren't busy either. Anyway, I took notes while they were being introduced:

Lakisha and Jennifer: These are the sistaas. I'm wondering if they have different fathers based purely on their first names.
Cara and Jaime: These are former NFL cheerleaders who, like met? And like, totally hit it off?
Jennifer and Preston: These two fill the required "dating and hopefully fighting" quota for AR14
Amanda and Kris: Whew, got lucky this time. This is the "dating and waiting to get married until we win the Amazing Race" couple. They are "hoping to fall in love all over again" which usually means there is couples counseling in their future.
Christi and Jodi: Flight Attendants. Or, as I like to call them, Cabin Ho's. I'm sure they feel they have an inside advantage cause they know travel. We'll see.
Mel and Mike: Gay quota. How come we never get lesbians? Is that the last taboo? Anyway, Dad turned gay when Mike was 11 (soon to be a lifetime movie). Mel and Mike prove that gayness is inherited, and that each generation gets more gay by a factor of 4.5.
Mark and Michael: The lil stuntmen. At 4'9" they are the shortest men on the Race, but alas, too tall to qualify for their own show on TLC.
Tammy and Victor: Ah, the multicultural element on Race. Fighting against stereotypes, we have two really smart Asians siblings with law degrees. I know, who knew?
Brad and Victoria: "fifty is the new thirty". These two keep yammering on about being old. Shuddup. He's been married 2 times, she's been married three. Uhuh. I want it to say "Serial Monogamists" under their names.
Margie and Luke: Ahh, the tug at your heartstrings, if you have a heart, couple. Yadda Yadda, mother and son, he's deaf. Wants to prove deaf people can do anything. Um, as my husband turned to me and pointed out, "didn't we already have a deaf one?"
And, last but not least, Linda and Steve. First, Jeff and Eileen, I will buy you a drink at Karen and John's Christmas party to make up for this. If there is a god, and if he still works for democrats, He will keep this couple around for the sheer amusement factor alone. She's 9 years older than him. BUT, she has more teeth. His hobby is "recycling scrap metal". Nuff said.

Ok. So we leave CA and head to Switzerland. Yoddaleheeehooo. 2 flights, one through Zurich and one through Milan. One is Luftansa. I know from personal experience that the free drinks are better on Luftansa. Take the Luftansa flight. Teams then take trains from Zurich or Milan to Locano.

Luftansa to Zurich: Tammy & Victor, explaining their brilliant strategy: “We chose the Lufthansa flight because we didn’t want to deliberately choose the one that left later", Christie & Jodi, Jaime & Cara, Mark & Michael, Brad & Victoria, Margie & Luke. Did we mention Luke was deaf?

Air France to Milan, WHICH IS MUCH CLOSER TO LOCANO: Mel & Mike, Preston & Jennifer, Amanda & Kris, Kisha & Jen, and the hicks Steve & Linda.
The Zurich group all get on a train going leisurely through the alps. The Cabin Ho's befriend a woman (surprised me too) and she convinces them to sneak off the train one stop earlier.

In Milan, all head for the train except for Preston and Jennifer who miss it. The immediately begin to bicker. I love this crap. "You say stuff that irritates me because you just don’t think.” I love people who say this stuff out loud to their mates, rather than keep it bottled up and drink excessively like I do.

Once in Locano they go to a church and sign a book, giving them a departure time for the next day. Then they get to be homeless in a park. Yea, I am SOOO not going on the Race. Steve starts right in on Linda, which I think is mean. She should have told him to go look for some aluminum to recycle.

Next morning teams leave in 15 minute increments and have to go to Verzasco Dam. This had BAD written all over it. Roadblock. It's a 70 story bungee jump (the second highest in the world, made famous in the James Bond movie “Goldeneye") . Who has the bladder control to perform it? This takes up about 50 minutes of the show. Everyone eventually jumps, and-spoiler alert- nobody dies. EVEN THE DEAF KID DOES IT, WHICH PROVES DEAF PEOPLE ARE AS STUPID AS HEARING PEOPLE.

Next up, take a train to Interlocken and find Kleine Rugen Wiese, who I thought was a big mean ass Swiss woman but, alas, is some big cheese place. The have to climb up a really steep hill and transport 200 lbs of cheese down the hill. Oh, they get "antique cheese sleds made in China" to use. Lots of antiques broken that day. It's really steep going up (and, coming down obviously) and it's a big long challenge. Once up, you get to fall down with your cheap piece of crap cheese sled, and then get up and do it again. Why everyone didn't just hurl cheese down the hill and go get it, I don't know.

Gay dad had to go down on his ass really slowly. Hick woman couldn't get up the hill. Tammy and Victor and the deaf kid and his mom finish first and race to the pitt stop. You have to take a taxi to a park and follow the yodeling. Deaf kid and Mom come in first and win a trip for 2 to Puerta Vallarta, WHICH IS ANOTHER PLACE A DEAF PERSON CAN GO. I didn't catch if she was translating the yodeling, first really small then with bigger hands so he would know they were getting closer. The wicked smart Asians come in second.

The flight attendants, who took the wrong train, arrive last at the cheese place. At the end it came down to a foot race for the Pitt between the Cabin Ho's and Preston/Jennifer. The Ho's won, sending the dating couple home.

Survivor Brazil Week One

Probst:" Here we are in some god forsaken hell hole Burnett sent me to in retaliation for that contract negotiation. Token-cheese in the heart of brazil, which is famous for soccer. Oh, and....soccer. I'm here with 16 contestants all hoping to be the sole survivor, and all horribly inappropriately dressed to live in the interior of Brazil for 39 days. I mean, one of these chicks is in a dress and cowboy boots for god sake. Once this truck stops, I get to jump off all dramatic-like, and then the teams, who haven't spoken to each other, will get to use their tourette-ian logic of analyzing each other grunts, grimaces and other tics, as well as their smell, to immediately vote one person from each team THAT WON'T MAKE THE 4 HOUR TREK".

First up, the red team, who unanimously vote for "that strung out old blonde woman", who is PISSED. The black team votes for the chick in the black and white sweater (carrying I believe a purse??). She is sick, has a fever and is on antibiotics. Hmmm, I don't think the little animals are supposed to tell the big animals that they have a lame leg.

Probst: "Strung out blonde woman, how are you feeling about this"
Sandy: "I am PISSED.
Probst: "But wait, you get to ride to the camp in a helicopter"
Sandy:"Yea yea yea, wooohooo"
Probst:" Sandy, do you realize this is a game of social skills, and you have just demonstrated you have none and blah blah blah social experiment blah blah blah socially retarded" Seriously, is it me or does Jeff have something up his ass about this woman? Hmmm, a little too much like mamma Probst perhaps??

Sandy and Sierra fly to the camps. They are met with a note telling them they can either set up the camp for the others or search for the immunity idol. "Shit, Ima gonna git me one of them thar iiiidols" Sandy says. Sierra decides to build a little village with a coffee shop, drug store, and a quaint little gazebo for the band to play on warm nights.

The red team, which is called jalapeno with out the n for some reason, doesn't take any water with them. The Timbira tribe has all the water and beans. That's cause the black team has the freakishly weird and self-conceited Coach. First up, from a poolster's perspective, if someone wants to go by the name coach, then use that name on the damn website. I spent half of the show figuring out Coach was Benjamin. Coach is a pain in the ass. He's a renaissance man. Coaches some sports thing and also is a music director. Big deal, he has 2 part time jobs.

The tribes crawl the 4 hours to the camps. Jalapeno is pissed that Sandy has just sat on her ass for 4 hours. The Black team is happy that Sierra built a village but Coach still wants her to go first. I'm guessing he's a bitch of a coach.

Day 2. Sandy is still looking for that idol. Sandy doesn't get that you aren't supposed to talk to the damn camera men. Finds one clue and then has to walk 10 paces to the next clue. "Wuz a paaace?" she asks the camera man.

Over on Timbira, Tyson gets all nude carrying water out of the lake. Which, I thought there was none of in token-cheese. Hmmm, man made anyone??

Challenge: Race into the river, get puzzle pieces on a raft, carry them back, build a staircase, climb the stairs and do a puzzle maze. Christ, this season is going to be as lame ass as last season. Seriously, enough with the damn puzzles. Wanna know what you are playing for? A year subscription to Highlights Magazine!!! No, actually fire and immunity.

Jeff tells us it's 120 degrees. Apparently no one thought to bring a bathing suit and it's like a JC Penney's lingerie catalogue watching these people. Carolina, the chick in the red dress and cowboy boots is weak. Sandy and Taj kick ass on the puzzle (due in large part I'm sure in Sandy having to move the one floor board in her kitchen over the possum nest to cook). Sierra kicks ass on the other team. It's neck and neck on to the maze magnetic puzzle game. This is like the most ridiculous game of go fish, with little sticks and plastic fish whose mouths are motorized to open and close. Timbira wins immunity!!

Immediately back at Jalapeno, Carolina (whose dress is now wrapped around her head in a reenactment of how she got this Survivor gig) starts bagging on everyone to clean up the camp. Yea, that's always a good thing to start whining about when people are hot and thirsty. "Y'all, we got to sweep the dirt floor".

Sandy and Carolina bond, and have a big ol hug. Sandy is "in the ladies room" digging around looking for the lone pineapple tree and trying to figure out what a pace is.

Tribal council. Jeff has to explain to everyone that the torches mean life. Ok, Jeff, most of us have watched this show before. Just sit there and look pretty.

Dr. Jeff: "Sandy, are you a little crazy??"
Sandy: "Shit Jeff, wait until that extra dose of lithium I took wears off"

Time to vote. LOL. You could see it PAINED Jeff to say that Carolina was the first voted off Survivor Token Cheese instead of Sandy.