Survivor Brazil Week One

Probst:" Here we are in some god forsaken hell hole Burnett sent me to in retaliation for that contract negotiation. Token-cheese in the heart of brazil, which is famous for soccer. Oh, and....soccer. I'm here with 16 contestants all hoping to be the sole survivor, and all horribly inappropriately dressed to live in the interior of Brazil for 39 days. I mean, one of these chicks is in a dress and cowboy boots for god sake. Once this truck stops, I get to jump off all dramatic-like, and then the teams, who haven't spoken to each other, will get to use their tourette-ian logic of analyzing each other grunts, grimaces and other tics, as well as their smell, to immediately vote one person from each team THAT WON'T MAKE THE 4 HOUR TREK".

First up, the red team, who unanimously vote for "that strung out old blonde woman", who is PISSED. The black team votes for the chick in the black and white sweater (carrying I believe a purse??). She is sick, has a fever and is on antibiotics. Hmmm, I don't think the little animals are supposed to tell the big animals that they have a lame leg.

Probst: "Strung out blonde woman, how are you feeling about this"
Sandy: "I am PISSED.
Probst: "But wait, you get to ride to the camp in a helicopter"
Sandy:"Yea yea yea, wooohooo"
Probst:" Sandy, do you realize this is a game of social skills, and you have just demonstrated you have none and blah blah blah social experiment blah blah blah socially retarded" Seriously, is it me or does Jeff have something up his ass about this woman? Hmmm, a little too much like mamma Probst perhaps??

Sandy and Sierra fly to the camps. They are met with a note telling them they can either set up the camp for the others or search for the immunity idol. "Shit, Ima gonna git me one of them thar iiiidols" Sandy says. Sierra decides to build a little village with a coffee shop, drug store, and a quaint little gazebo for the band to play on warm nights.

The red team, which is called jalapeno with out the n for some reason, doesn't take any water with them. The Timbira tribe has all the water and beans. That's cause the black team has the freakishly weird and self-conceited Coach. First up, from a poolster's perspective, if someone wants to go by the name coach, then use that name on the damn website. I spent half of the show figuring out Coach was Benjamin. Coach is a pain in the ass. He's a renaissance man. Coaches some sports thing and also is a music director. Big deal, he has 2 part time jobs.

The tribes crawl the 4 hours to the camps. Jalapeno is pissed that Sandy has just sat on her ass for 4 hours. The Black team is happy that Sierra built a village but Coach still wants her to go first. I'm guessing he's a bitch of a coach.

Day 2. Sandy is still looking for that idol. Sandy doesn't get that you aren't supposed to talk to the damn camera men. Finds one clue and then has to walk 10 paces to the next clue. "Wuz a paaace?" she asks the camera man.

Over on Timbira, Tyson gets all nude carrying water out of the lake. Which, I thought there was none of in token-cheese. Hmmm, man made anyone??

Challenge: Race into the river, get puzzle pieces on a raft, carry them back, build a staircase, climb the stairs and do a puzzle maze. Christ, this season is going to be as lame ass as last season. Seriously, enough with the damn puzzles. Wanna know what you are playing for? A year subscription to Highlights Magazine!!! No, actually fire and immunity.

Jeff tells us it's 120 degrees. Apparently no one thought to bring a bathing suit and it's like a JC Penney's lingerie catalogue watching these people. Carolina, the chick in the red dress and cowboy boots is weak. Sandy and Taj kick ass on the puzzle (due in large part I'm sure in Sandy having to move the one floor board in her kitchen over the possum nest to cook). Sierra kicks ass on the other team. It's neck and neck on to the maze magnetic puzzle game. This is like the most ridiculous game of go fish, with little sticks and plastic fish whose mouths are motorized to open and close. Timbira wins immunity!!

Immediately back at Jalapeno, Carolina (whose dress is now wrapped around her head in a reenactment of how she got this Survivor gig) starts bagging on everyone to clean up the camp. Yea, that's always a good thing to start whining about when people are hot and thirsty. "Y'all, we got to sweep the dirt floor".

Sandy and Carolina bond, and have a big ol hug. Sandy is "in the ladies room" digging around looking for the lone pineapple tree and trying to figure out what a pace is.

Tribal council. Jeff has to explain to everyone that the torches mean life. Ok, Jeff, most of us have watched this show before. Just sit there and look pretty.

Dr. Jeff: "Sandy, are you a little crazy??"
Sandy: "Shit Jeff, wait until that extra dose of lithium I took wears off"

Time to vote. LOL. You could see it PAINED Jeff to say that Carolina was the first voted off Survivor Token Cheese instead of Sandy.