Survivor Week 8

Yo peeps, what up? It's MERGE MANIA week!! Although I don't remember merging before there are 10 people left, but everyone seems convinced it's MERGE DAY. Etroll is excited cause, "I'm too sly for this game".

Over on Galout, Laura and Shamwow are going at it.

Treemail! Oooh, it's vague. TO MERGE OR NOT TO MERGE, that is the question. Tribes show up on the beach again, and find a treasure chest but NO FRIGGIN JEFF. He better not be off shagging some Samoan Ho instead of doing his show.

Yes, it's a merge, and a feast. The new tribe will live at Galout. They go back and eat chicken, cheese, fruit, beer and cake. Burp. Shamwow eats enough that she has to go off and float in the water. Not a pretty picture. Tribe has a new name, AIGA which I think was one of the banks that went out of business screwing me out of my 401K. It's Somalian for "extended dysfunctional family".

Etroll decides to put his plan into action. He's such a little dwarf swagger dick. "Who gets grapes fed to them? The Kings do". His plan includes sending FF out to make friends with Galout. And, to basically expose himself to everyone.

Natalie feels like she's staying at the Hilton, which if you have ever stayed at the Hilton in NYC, you can totally relate to. Laura is her mother hen.

Etroll has many "tricks up his sleeve". But basically the only trick he has is the idol in his pocket. He chums it up with his Christian soulmate, Laura, and shows her the idol. He promises her top 7. Top 7?? WTF?? Laura isn't buying what he's selling. "Desperate people do desperate things". Russell tells her the first rule: the first one to go has to be a Galout member. "That ain't gonna happen". Oooh, Laura has just "dug her own grave". Seriously, someone needs to dig up Etroll's backyard and see how many bodies are burried there.

Etroll next tries Monica. Shows her the idol, tells her she's the only one he has told about it. I mean, c'mon. Why not just dress in a raincoat and walk around exposing the idol, dude? He offers her top 2. Does he really think she isn't gonna compare notes with Laura?? Next, he shows John the idol. Tells him he wants Laura gone in return. John is interested in the deal. John, let's remember, is a friggin rocket scientist.

Etroll finally hits rock bottom when he is flirting with Shamwow. They have the "southern connection", aka absolute stupidity. Lots of Laura trash talking. Shamwow: "Russell is cut from the same cloth as me". Uhuh. That would be polyester I believe. Etroll : "It's easy to control these minds".

Challenge, and JEFF IS BACK!!!!! And, he's in spearmint. Hmmmm, my own little mint julep. It's an individual immunity challenge and this time there's a boy and a girl immunity. The challenge is....t-ball. Are you kidding me?? What's next week, the coloring within the lines challenge? In this lame ass challenge you have to hit the ball onto a little course marked with numbers 1-5. Oh, and a totally stupid basket for 10 points. In violation of Title IX, boys play boys, girls play girls.

Dave's up first. Jeff: "Dave is this your sport?" "My sport is making looooove". Gag. Seriously, you got Jeff there in all of his minty glory, and you have skank Dave proclaiming himself a loooove machine. Give me a break. Dave hits a 3. Jaison, the non-athletic black dude gets an out. Etroll swaggers up and manages to get a 4. Brett (whose name I didn't even remember he's so quiet) is also out. Mick gets a 2 and Erik strikes out. It's up to John to take the little sausage outta Etroll's pants. Bang, John gets a 5. John wins immunity!! Etroll looks like he's gonna wet himself.

The ladies (and I use that term loosely) are up. Natalie is as lame as you would expect and gets out. Monica gets a 2. Kelly whose hair is totally getting on my nerves gets a 3. Sham is up and fails to WOW with a really bad out. Seriously, what is her value?? Finally it comes down to Laura. Karma, it's a bitch. Laura hits a 4 and gets immunity!

Back to camp, let the scrambling begin. Etroll now wants Monica. Shamwow says, "forget that".

Laura tells Erik that Russell has the idol. Erik wants to flush the idol away from Etroll and then vote off the useless Jaison. John tells Erik he wants to do a switcheroo and get rid of Monica. Thinks getting rid of someone from FF is "junior varsity Survivor". Erik and John are thinking Monica, and tell Dave and Brett who don't like the plan. Thinks Erik is crazy with power.

Erik then approaches Mick, Natalie and Jaison with the notion of voting for Monica without telling Etroll, so that they can flush out his immunity idol. Jaison thinks Erik is treating them like idiots. They decide to vote for Erik.

Natalie, the newest cast member of 90210 tells the girls that F2 is voting Erik. The girls like this idea. Tell Dave about it. Dave tells Shamwow. She goes (I swear to god), "Who's Erik??" LMAO. Can't wait for the "how well do you know your teammates challenge".

Tribal Council. Jeff is in blue. Seriously, doesn't blue bring out his eyes?

Erik: "Jeff, I struggle to see anything F2 has to offer"
Etroll: "I don't like pity. He's gonna be surprised"
Erik has to bag on Jaison. Say's he's useless, not living up to his potential.
Jaison for some reason suggest Erik read his resume. Says, "Jeff, these personal attacks eat at me, remind me of being a poor black child, well except for the fact that my family was upper middle class" or something like that. I pretty much chugged during his whole speech.
Etroll: "we can still make this happen" Uhuh, keep taking your meds troll.
Erik: "This competitiveness of the trolls is misdirected".

Vote, and time to tally the vote. Jeff FORGETS to ask if anyone has the idol and wants to play it. He musta been thinking of me in my HOT snorkeling outfit. Etroll plays his idol. Shoots his wad. You get the picture.

Jeff reads the votes. Jaison gets 2 votes, Erik gets 7. Erik is voted off. Shamwow is totally confused!



AIGA
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell Donna
Natalie Carolyn
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen


Gone:
Marisa Ginnie
Mike Karen and John
Betsy Becky and Mary
Ben Nancy D
Yasmin Elayne
Ashley Tess
Russell S Lori
Elizabeth Leslie
Erik Terri

Survivor Update Week 7

Yo, Day 16 and some of these girls are getting kind of mangy looking. Like, a couple of them have the dreaded "thighs don't touch at the top of the leg" disease. Nasty. What man is going to for that look?

Galout is without their leader, GoodRussell. The men do the math and figure out they would be better off with Shamwow on their side. They rig a vote for a new leader, and before the girls can figure out what happened, Shamwow is chosen as the new leader. She gives a really heartwarming speech, about the military, apple pie and not making 90210 get up before 9am. The boys are happy but Dave says, "Shamwow is so dim, she could still screw it up."

Over of F2, Etroll is all happy cause 5 people is almost the same as 8...

Challenge: It's a memory game. 13 pairs of matching items are on little tables with cute little straw hats on them. Teams have to match the items, uncovering 2 at a time. You either get to keep the item or you get a point. Etroll goes, John, Jaison and then Laura gets the first match which is a Romco Fire Starter Kit, wrapped in a tarp. Galout keeps the item. The keep going along. and it's so friggin boring even Survivor has to speed it up. Etroll is getting all confused. End of the day, Galout wins reward, a sail and lunch. Shamwow sends Laura to F2.

Cut to Kelly for the best line of the season: "It's like Sham was raised in a trailor park, married the rich guy in town and is now driving around in a jaguar". Hmmmm, which of course makes me thing Kelly was raised in a trailor park and has a little bit of experience with jealousy.

On F2, everyone is all friendly to Laura. Etroll invites her into his web, I mean to go get crabs (god, I was really scared for a minute here). Laura says to him, "so you have twins" , which is the first I have heard it. Etroll goes on to tell her his daddy is a minister and, GOSH Laura is a theology student, although she doesn't believe in "women being ministers". She does apparently believe in lady ministers walking around half naked on cbs. Etroll offers her an alliance when the two tribes join, cause they are both "good christians". He also lies to her about Ben finding and then hiding the idol, just like any good christian would do.

Galout goes off to their reward, and OMFG, it's the ship from Pirate Master, Jesus, please tell me no one is gonna be put on the black spot today and have to prove why they should not walk the lame ass plank. They get beef stew, bread and, according to Dave who I SWEAR is light in the loafers, "some really lovely scones".

On F2, Liz is trying to look busy but has to listen to Laura and Natalie discuss inspirational christian literature. Liz doesn't like the spiritual book of the month club and tells Etroll all about it.

Immunity Challenge: Jeff is in blue of course but his pants either got wet or he has a bladder condition. Hmmmm. Don't know if I could go with a man who wears depends, no matter how cute the dimples. Paddle out in the water, "fish" for wooden fish (dude, is this like a Child Learning Center game??) and then, wait for it, DO A PUZZLE.

Ok, so first of all F2 has no leadership necklace on, and Jeff asks about it cause his mom gets paid $50K a season to craft this shit up. They left it back at the tribe because they think it has bad juju. Then the fish are in such shallow water that both teams just walk their boats out to them instead of paddling. Lame ass. F2 gets all of their "fish" first and paddle in. Galout is following behind but kicking ass on the paddling. Jaison basically gives up.

It's rainbow fish! And, oh how FRIGGIN cute, their tails form a little pattern. Dave must be wetting himself. Galout wins immunity AGAIN. This time under Shamwow's steady leadership.

Back on F2, Etroll's giddy happy spirit of the morning has left him. "These idiots are gonna cost me $1 million." He wants Jaison gone, until Liz wants Jaison gone, then he apparently changes his mind. Liz is feeling pretty safe,

Tribal, Jeff is in medium blue.

Jeff: you have lost 8 out of 10 challenges making you the worst overall team in Survivor history (which I disagree with cause wasn't there a tribe that went down to 2 members before a merge??).

Natalie: no use getting negative Jeff
Etroll: "Do you still wake up thinking today's the day"? Oh yea, Jeff, we're just waiting for the merge to start kicking ass
Liz: "Do you trust these aholes?" Of course Jeff, cause I am one of them
Mick: "You stupid too?" Oh yes, Jeff, I loves me my team
Etroll;" Is it hard to vote someone off if you are all so tight?" Oh yes, Jeff, we're very tight. And we're gonna be an tighter 4.
Jaison: "Wassup? You look like you think these people are aholes" Why yes, Jeff, I secretely cannot stand these aholes, and in fact,I lame assed it in the challenge hoping they would vote me out of this hell.

Time to vote. Liz is out. SURPRISE!!



F2
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell Donna
Natalie Carolyn

Galout
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen


Gone:
Marisa Ginnie
Mike Karen and John
Betsy Becky and Mary
Ben Nancy D
Yasmin Elayne
Ashley Tess
Russell S Lori
Elizabeth Leslie