Survivor Week 2: He's a Creeper

Wow, what a full episode!  I'm digging this season. 

First up, Semhar is at redemption island.  She apparenty has abandonment issues...she raps about it... yea, it's annoying as hell.

Woody knows he needs to stop being a total nerd and man up.  Easier said than done I think.  Oz and Keith are getting pretty chummy. 

Coach has his alliance with Brandon, Sophie, Rick and Albert.  But he's got the hots for Edna.  She isn't in his alliance but he's "friends" with her.  Hmmm.  They discuss whether or not Christine has the idol.  Decide Christine and Stacey are too tight. 

Back to Woody, he's working it.  Cutting those coconuts, over and over.  Dude, learn a new trick!  He says his mommy wouldn't like him using a machete.  hahahahaha.  I got $10 he still lives with her. 

Ozzie goes idol hunting and bang, finds it.  He is gonna be a strong force in this game. 

OMG, so Brandon feels bad deceiving Coach about who his uncle is.  They go for a walk and Brandon does some scripture quoting, which frankly gets up my ASS, then he tells him who he really is.  Coach is floored.  "I don't want to be played again".  Coach decides to trust him for now.  And then they hold hands and pray.  For christ sake...

On red, the guys go fishing.  Oz and Keith are already in an alliance but they let Jim think it's all his idea.  FYI-Keith wears red underwear. You didn't really think I wasn't gonna comment on that, did you?  They decide to include Elyse and Whitney. 

Blue: Mikayla is a tough girl, who has no qualms stripping down to her underwear and getting shit done.  Brandon is all nuts about her.  Calls her Parvati, says she's using her seduction.  Seriously, I expect him to start beating himself to stop his penis from tingling. 

Christine is still looking for the idol, and freakishly she is the only one looking.  Finds the clue but can't decide if she should share it with anyone. 

Challenge time.  Jeff is in light blue.  The blue team arrives all eating pandara fruit, because the team that eats pandara stays together.  Uhuh, they really said this. 

Ok, it's a freaking may pole challenge.  Skip around and unwrap ribbons to get keys, unlock the tribe mates and move crates in a giant puzzle.  Wanna know what you're playing for?  Immunity, plus pillows and blankets. 

May pole, Woody is expectedly lame.  Dawn's lame too.  Blue goes into the puzzle with a big lead, and then blows it.  Red wins. 

Back at camp, Christine complains that the guys lost the challenge.  Bye bye Christine!  Coach wants a 3 way split, with their 6 voting for Christine and Stacey. 

Brandon wants Mikayla gone so his penis will stop swelling up.  He's gone to medical about it twice now.  Ok, they didn't actually show that.  Brandon tells coach she has to go or he can't be faithful to his wife.  Riiiiight, like Mikayla is just waiting to get a piece of that.  He's a total creeper and future sex offender, I am convinced.  What is it day 4??  He's running around trying to get everyone else to go with Mikayla. 

Christine and Stacey are freaking out, as is Mikayla.  Edna gives her some cover story about who they are voting for and Christine tells her flat out she's messing up her own lies.  Christine goes idol searching...

Coach is getting annoyed with Brandon.  But Brandon says, Mikayla, period.  Wow. 

Tribal Council: Yep, Dark blue.  He totally reads my blog.

Brandon says his first impression has been good. 
Coach says he thought his first impression wasn't that great.  And then BANG, he tells Jeff that he's heard Christine and Stacey are planning to vote out Mikayla.
What??  Stacey goes nuts. 
Christine says she doesn't want Mikayla to go. 
Mikayla says, I'm strong, I don't get this!
Stacey-I've never even talked to Coach! 
Christine: "from whom did you hear it, Mr. Honesty?"
Coach: Christine's been looking for the idol all day
Christine-obviously Coach is threatened by me.  He's hurt because he's a temporary player. 
Mikayla: Jeff, you haven't asked Christine and Stacey if they said they were voting for me.
They both deny it.
Brandon-Ahhhhhh, I can't lie, I'm the one who told Christine and Stacey to vote for Mikayla. 
Mikayla "welcome to survivor"
Albert: it's great when the truth finally comes out...

Time to vote.
Sophie, one vote. Edna, one vote, Stacey, 3 votes and the person vote off is Christine with 4. 

Survivor South Pacific-Week 1

It's BAAAAACCCCCCKKKKKKK. The Survivor Update is baaaaaaacccccckkkk!! How happy are we??

Survivor SOUTH PACIFIC...BALI HI. And, ooh, let's bring back contestants again!! Cue to Ozzie and Coach arriving in a helicopter, because they both have better agents this time around. They also apparently share a hairdresser. Coach is looking to "own the game with honor and integrity". YAWN. Oz needs to play with a new strategy.

Ok, and now the non-celebrity survivors are paddling in, fully dressed. Seriously?? I'd be wearing something I wanted to wear for 39 days over my bathing suit from the minute Mark Burnett called me to offer me the gig. So, who we got up first??

I think his name is Jim or John? I've changed it twice in my notes. He wants to be called Cochran but NICKNAME ALERT I'm gonna just start right off calling him Woody because he is 100% doing a Woody Allen impression. Woody is a Survivor freak fan, who knows everything about Survivor. And, here's a question to ponder...if you were a little wimpy bit of a boy and you wanted to not exaggerate that, would you wear a PINK SHIRT AND A RED SWEATER VEST???

Ahhh, the Rancher, Rick. Is gonna be all hat and no cattle?? Says people should have been training for the show, like in making far (which I think is like fire) and stuff. If you ain't, you been spittin in the wind.

And, we get to meet Russell's nephew, Brandon. Who says being related to Russell is like being related to Hitler. Niiiiice.

OK, Come on into the redemption arena. 2 tribes one's red, one's blue. Jeff announces there are 2 returning players and the asian-ish chick says to Brandon, "God I hope it's not Russell" har har har. He's screwed because he has 2 tattoos that way Hanz and Little Hanz. Question: Why would anyone get a tattoo that says Little Hanz, unless it describes the situation south o'the border if you get my drift.

Oz is a total freaking rock star to these people. He comes running out of the helicopter while Coach struts his jeans and black dragon jacket. Christine starts right off bagging on coach for being the dragon slaya, says Oz and Coach are just temporary players.

Woody announces he has a buff collection at home.

Oz and Coach have to pick eggs with red or blue paint in them. Oz smashes his on his chest (and on Jeff's chest) while Coach breaks his and ooooh sooooo carefully looks pissed that he's gonna get paint on that dragon jacket.

DAMN, we're off with a first challenge, which is a Hero Challenge, and no they don't get to eat hoagies. Oz vs Coach have to do some climbing, digging and then...wait for it....PUZZLIN'. For some dumb ass reason, they have to retrieve a plastic turtle, carry it around and place it on the top of the finished puzzle. A turtle? I don't get it. Winning team gets Taro (which is potato but which I understand is very hard to cook), and flint.

It's OK until they get to the puzzle which poor Jeff has to tell them how to do like 3 times. I don't think Coach EVER gets the idea of moving pyramids across 3 tables so you never put a larger one on a smaller one. The tribes yell instructions, and Coaches team sucks at that too. Oz wins and Coach is mortified. "I got nothing for you, head on out". Edna (Asian-ish) stops and helps Coach while everyone else stalks away.

Red tribe gets to camp. Oz is the hero. We meet Semhar, who is a spoken word artist, aka unemployable. I, myself, am a much better written word artist. Anyway, Oz is totally into her and her banging breasts. "Let's not work, let's all go swimming!!" Uhuh, let's get naked. They all start to undress, but Woody, whose woody is probably a twiggy, is shy. Really?? You're a fan of the show and you didn't see this coming?? He says, this is the 90210 tribe and I'm one of the 0's.

Blue team. Coach-"I'm not a threat, I'm here to help you all". They go around and there is one girl who just graduated college...with a degree in Russian Economics. Must be Sophie? Although she's listed as a medical student online. Because there is no way you get a job with a degree in Russian Economics. Anyway, Coach starts talking to her in friggin russian.

This tribe decides to build shelter, and Coach is actually quite helpful. Christine says she's going to go look for firewood, but Coach and everyone else realize she's looking for an immunity idol.

The red tribe is still swimming. Jim says he's a high school teacher, but he's actually a professional poker player/medical marijuana dealer. Mark is older, he says he's into experiencing life and he just came out of the closet as a gay cop. He wants to be called Papa Bear, and who am I to argue??

So, when everyone is finally done pissing in the ocean they decide to build a fire. Dawn is worrying because they are not building shelter, which as Woody knows IS THE FIRST THING YOU NEED TO DO. She has 6 kids and is a control freak apparently. Skip to the next morning when Dawn's medications appear to be wearing off. That's the bitch about mother's little helpers. Mother gets addicted to them. She's crying, feels old, telling everyone she's really, sob, a strong, sob, person, who never, sob, cries. Jesus, it's day 1!! I'd haul off and smack her!! Oz talks her down and Papa Bear is supportive but he's like, chick we're the 2 old people, get a friggin grip.

They move on to thinking about shelter. Woody asks Elyse to show him how to open a coconut. I think it was Elyse. Anyway, I really thought he was gonna chop off a few fingers but he manages to get it open. He acts like he did the first time he took the derivative of a complicated equation. Oz is watching him and thinking he's not that physical. Woody wants to show he's a provider. Um, no. You are an opener.

Blue team: Brandon is fishing and catches his first fish. He wears his shirt at all times.

Immunity Challenge-Jeff is in sigh, Dark Blue.

It's an obstacle course, with a ziz zag, a wall, coconuts, hidden machete, and finally a basketball court. Funny, they don't yet seem to be pushing traditional South Pacific stuff down our throats yet.

They show the teams strategizing. Semhar volunteers to shoot coconuts. Cue the troubling music. Ok. It's an OK challenge, we get to see who can and can't pull themselves over a wall. Albert is freaking amazing. Woody has no upper body strength but at least he didn't cry and say his shoulder was dislocated when they pulled him over.

Basically, Semhar throws 3 coconuts and wants to quit. Sorry, no change ups. Mikayla is amazing. It's apparently very close but Blue wins immunity! They get immunity, fire and a clue to the idol (which of course everyone now knows there is one on each beach). Semhar says she feels kinda bad and Jim goes nuts on her. "KINDA BAD????"

On blue, everyone is looking for the idol. The pink dressed mortician, Stacy looks right at the clue and keeps walking. You'd think she'd notice the cameraman following her and stopping to shoot the inside of a tree.

On red, Semhar and Jim go at it. "Jim made us look weak for calling me out". LOL. Spoken word artist my ass. Dawn and Mark bond. She's worried her outbreak will lead to her being the first out. They both decide Semhar has to go.

In the water, Oz is arguing to keep Semhar's tits in the game. He ways it should be Woody since he's not athletic. Jim is worried that Oz is intent on keeping Semhar..."does he have an all girl alliance going on??" Oz tells Semhar, "if you want to stay you need to do some politicing". Jim tells Woody he might be on the chopping list and Woody basically hyperventilated about being first off. Yea, he's massively getting on my nerves.

Tribal Council. Fire=Life in this game, in case you have never heard Jeff (in DARK BLUE) say that a bazillion times.

Dawn, are people worried about being all alone at redemption? Shit, Jeff, I wasn't until you just brought it up. Today I lost everything familiar to me, I lost my confidence. I cried. But I'm fine now. Jim got me some good medical quality marijuana.

Elise:Semhar is concerned about her performance today.

Jim: I'm a competitor, I hate to lose, she sucked it.

Whitney: yep, I'm glad I stayed in the background all episode. Semhar pushed it.

Semhar: I stepped up.

Oz, What's better, the person with guts or the safe person? Jeff, definitely the person who tries, provided they have perky tits.

Dawn: Woody should be worried, he's weak.

Woody: I know I look weak but I flew through that net thing.

Papa Bear: He got confused at the wall. He needs direction.

Woody: DO NOT SAY IT'S TIME TO VOTE YET, JEFF. Semhar stands by the pot all day, I'm an eager student. I see it once and I learn. I opened a coconut! I will do whatever at camp.

Semhar: Woody, your problem is you are too mesmerized by the game...

Time to vote and the first person voted off Survivor South Pacific is a pretty unanimous Semhar. Who wrote a haiku on the way out.