Survivor Update: Hell YES I ate your food

Hello!

I am sure you will all forgive me for forgoing my update last week.  I was lounging with my head in the oven and couldn't manage a funny update.

So what we missed were Zeke and David bonding, which was all over the previews anyway,  and Jay deciding he needed to do a BIG MOVE and take out Michaela before the merge because "she's a closer".  It's actually worth watching Michaela's reaction to being blindsided.  Hannah was totally left in the dark and is unhappy.

She's still unhappy this week.  Knows she's on the bottom and that Jay the cool BMOC thinks she's an idiot.  Never underestimate what a nerd feeling like an idiot can do for revenge.  

It's merge day!  Woop Woop! I am particularly happy because I can't stand trying to remember these tribe names and who is on what tribe.  So y'all have 5 minutes to gather your stuff and then go to Vanua and inhabit their beach as one tribe WITH FOOD AND WINE.  

Everyone is assuming they have their original alliance and the new people they met at summer camp.  Not everyone will be right in this assumption.  Bret is already seeing his new best friends hanging out once again at the cool kids table.  Bret and Chris realize they need their originals back.  

The nerds aka Hannah, Adam and Zeke are back together and sharing "intel".  Because that's what the smart people do.  They realize that Jay is the power core and is "very enchanting".  Zeke is particularly disgusted with the bro-lliance going on. 

Adam is smart enough as well to realize that there is usually a merge idol.  He goes out looking, and because they are hidden by freaking MORONS, finds one over tree mail.  It's not an idol but a NEW ADVANTAGE that allows the holder to steal an award already won right out of the winners hands.  Call me crazy but I believe this should be called the suicide advantage because it is going to lead to a world of bad feelings.  

Later that night, Taylor decides to raid the food basket and fills a giant mason jar (because he's good with jars) with dried bananas and other treats.  Bret wakes up because he's making so much noise, sees him doing it and rolls over.  Adam also sees him do it and scamper off to munch.  He joins Taylor and absurdly thinks this is some great bond they now have because he assumes Taylor would be too worried about people knowing he stole food and cower.  Adam doesn't understand how these assholes work where nothing embarrasses them or makes them feel in any way other than superior.  Adam goes on to point out to Taylor that Will is now Jay's right hand man and Taylor has been usurped.  I've always wanted to write a nice long paragraph like this and include the word usurp and now I'm wondering how many of you are actually still reading.   

Taylor is all, munching and probably thinking of Figgy's sexy stank breath, says, "what about Will?"  Adam I believe thinks bringing this info to Taylor will absolve him from voting out his woman.  Taylor isn't in any way buying it but Adam is so stupid he thinks he needs to add a special touch of stupid by confiding that he has this special advantage to prove his seriousness.  Basically Taylor's response is to burp dried banana and decide to vote off Adam.  

The next morning people notice food is missing.  Bret just flat out says it was Taylor.  People are mildly annoyed at Taylor but, hey, he's a pretty boy!  Everyone seems to be all on board to get rid of Taylor but as David says, "it's waaaaaay too early for that shit to stick".  

Taylor heads over to Jay and tells him that Adam wants Will out.  Jay is all WTF is with your people?  Taylor says, yea, he tells me he is now your right hand man.  Jay UNSURPRISINGLY says, how about we vote off Adam??

Fortunately, Zeke overhears.  He realizes Adam is a dumb fuck and worries if he is going to ruin the nerd alliance.  

Individual Immunity Challenge!!  It's supposedly a tougher take on a trademarked SURVIVOR CLASSIC.  Balance on a perch with your hands shackled overhead to a bucket.  Move and the bucket dumps water all over you and the bed at the Pottstown Motel 6.  

7 people are out after 20 minutes (Sunday, Chris, Bret, Jay, Zeke, Ken and Hannah who admitted to pain everywhere).  Within the next 40 minutes Michelle, Taylor, David and Adam drop leaving Jessica and Will who go at it for an hour and a half until Jessica drops leaving high school student Will as the winner of individual immunity.  

And now it's scramble time.  Taylor announces to the other Millennials that it's Adam.  Michelle thinks that's ridiculous and it's a personal rather than strategic move.  

Zeke tells Adam that Taylor told Jay basically everything he said, and Adam is like "so that's why Will worked so hard!"  He also pointed out that he was "playing to hard".  Zeke wonders if there is any chance to blindside Taylor.  He talks to the Xers who ponder whether it should be Jay/Taylor or Michelle and endlessly ponder who among them might have an idol.  Zeke worries he may need plan B since they can't make up their minds.  

Adam talks to his new buddy Taylor and says that Jay won't even look him in the eye.  Taylor basically says it's too late, man. It's 100% gonna be a revenge vote for Figgy because he "has his big boys back".  

Hannah pulls Adam aside and tells his to JUST STOP MAKING THINGS WORSE.  She says his problem has always been that he wanted to sit at the cool kids table.  

Adam debates whether or not to use his idol, because he's mainly afraid of using it when he doesn't have to and looking like a chump.

Tribal

Jeff asks David what the differences are between the Ms and the X's.  David says the Ms eat more.  

Taylor is all YUP I DID EAT THE FOOD.  He's all laughing and arrogant about it. Says he was hungry and it was a medical emergency

Chris points out that is's selfishness not game play

Taylor still doesn't get it and is all "Rock on dude, you people gotta CHILL.  

Adam moves on to the idea of loyalties shifting after summer camp.  They are not just M or X but other loyalties have been built up

David says it's not about people I trust vs people you trust

Jay's all "loyalty, YUP"

Jeff points out that everyone so far has said that right before their torch is snuffed.  

Will agrees that there is an objective with this vote but not everyone has the same objective. 

I really think someone is feeding them these platitudes.  

Jay: LINES WILL BE DRAWN TONIGHT

Michelle: TRUST WILL BE BROKEN AND REBUILT

Taylor:  DUUUUUDE, WORRYING DOESN'T MATTER and he looks at Adam who says, it's terrifying.

Time to vote and decide if you want to use your idol!  Nope?  Let's tally the votes, shall we?

Adam 4

Michelle 7

And if was FREAKING WORTH WATCHING just to see Jay's pretty boy stunned face.  

Survivor: Some Kind of MANCE Going On.

Good Tuesday to all!  Hope you all had a GREAT Halloween!  And if any of our studly men dressed as shirtless Ken for the holiday, PLEASE share your pics!!  He is just freaking yummy good. 

Am I the only one still with repressed high school feelings that brings out the visceral hatred of the "couple" of Figgy and Taylor?  Or did everyone else have to live through high school watching a perfect couple command undeserved attention simply because they had a partner when everyone else was just trying to get through the day?  LOL, so this week was DEEEEELISH.  

I actually looked up what the tribe names were this week.  We have Ikabula consisting of Hanna, Michaela, Jay, Will and Boston Brett.  Takali with the POWER COUPLE, Figgy and Taylor, Adam, Jessica and Shirtless Ken.  Vanua now has David and Chris, along with Zeke and Michele.  

All is happy at the Vanua tribe now that CiCi was voted out.  Zeke is thrilled and thinks the Xrs were silly to send their own home on the only tribe that they had the numbers.  He is now a REBORN player.  I still shake my head at anyone who chooses to go down the Survivor path with David as an alliance.  

Ikabala is hangry.  And hungry for idols.  Jay and Will go out looking for idols and find a strange stick with a tribe logo on it.  Jay breaks it open and finds the idol JUST AS MICHAELA comes round the bend.  Bad timing!  She's keeping quiet for now but if she gets wind of something going down, she's snitching.  

Challenge:  Figgy claps to see CeCe is gone because "I LOVE MICHELE!!!"  Oh, and um, you too Zeke.  Is that your name, Zeke?  Jeff points it out and Michele says the truth works really well on Survivor.  

It's the old blind being led by callers on platforms.  This time they are looking for 4 packets of puzzle pieces and the puzzle will be done while blindfolded as well.  Brett and Hannah sit it out. Wanna know?  They're playing for SUGAR HIGH!  Pie and Cookies and Brownies and Ice Tea and Milk!!  Second place just gets chocolate chip cookies.  

 David is SURPRISE awful, unable to tell his left from his right while blindfolded. Figgy, Jay and Michelle are the callers.  It's about what you would expect except the added drama of Hanna having a panic attack just watching.  They bring in Medical Bob who gets her to stop taking fast breaths, and her arms and hands stop cramping.  Hannah discusses with Jeff that she is prone to panic attacks.  He kinda tells her she's brave for coming out knowing she has them.  

Takali is the first back with all of their puzzle pieces but Vanilla comes from behind and wins.  Ikabana comes in second and Takoli gets nothing.  Figgy has the sads but I'm sure Taylor will like them away with his stinky, coated furry tongue.  

Back at camp Zeke is still stewing about Michelle's reception from Figgy.  He thinks it was a big mistake on Figgy's part and he now wants Michelle to go.  

On Takoli, the romance is brewing.  They even keep referring to themselves as a POWER COUPLE, just like I am SURE those king and queens of high school called themselves every night when they talked over their princess phones, conspiring to have THEIR favorite song be the prom theme.  

Taylor wants to keep sucking face at the lockers in the morning and lunchtime, so he talks Figgy into telling Jessica and Shirtless Ken that they are indeed a couple.  Both pretend to be shocked for about 3 seconds before acknowledging they were well aware of it.  Shirtless Ken:  These kids think this is a vacation.  It's not as cool as they think it is.  

Immunity Challenge

Race to the beach over balance beams, untie 6 bags with coconuts  but also with balls.  Use the 3 balls for a table maze,  

At first David doesn't suck but when heavy lifting of the coconut bags is required, he goes back to suckage.  Shirtless Ken falls off the balance beam but makes up the time hauling all of his nuts and balls (wink) up onto the beach at once.  

Doing the table maze are Figgy/Jessica, Michaela and Hannah, and Zeke/Michelle

I'm pretty surprised Hannah didn't have another panic attack, getting yelled at the whole time by Michaela.  DON'T EVEN MOVE.  But it works and Takali gets the big immunity idol.  

It's between the other 2 tribes and Michaela is offering advice to Zeke and Michelle.  They pull it out and get the second idol, leaving Figgy and Jessica with nothing.  

When asked why Michaela helped, she explains because she wants to keep the M numbers up.  "We have Millennials too" says Takali.  "You have the numbers.  If y'all can't figure out how to work together then you deserve to go home."

Adam feels like a double agent between the 2 couples.  Figgy, challenge loser that she is, says it has to be Ken.  Taylor agrees.  Adam leads them to think he agrees.  Taylor: "Maybe Adam is double crossing us".  hahahahaha, they really laugh that one up.  

Jessica talks to Adam.  He tells her the plan is Ken.  Jessica has shirtless Ken go TALK TO ADAM AND PROMISE HIM UNDYING SUPPORT.  Ken does, saying his has his back until the end.  He could totally have my entire backside until the end, frankly.  

Tribal

Ken admits there is an obvious 3-2 split.

Taylor is confident all of the Ms are gonna stick together and worship at the POWER COUPLE heels.

Figgy says it's not really all peachy in M land, as ADAM ONCE VOTED FOR ME but I barely remember it I've forgiven his so long ago.

Jeff says something about Figgy looking at Adam as equal to all other M's and everyone laughs.

Adam isn't sure it's a romance or a shomance but some kind of mance is going on.  

Jeff asks: R U in Luv?

Taylor says that's a stretch

Ken says how HILARIOUS it was when they announced it, letting everyone now they are ridiculous if they think they are fooling anyone.

Jeff says he's an ordained minister and offers to  marry them.  

Figgy says it would be a Survivor First

Taylor seems to consider it

Figgy says they aren't really concerned that it's out because they are just 2 people who vote together like Ken and Jess.  

Adam says there's a bit of a difference between the 2 relationships. 

Figgy is laughing and saying yea, man, suck it up it just happened but we are still totally strategic.  

Ken says the numbers could change any time

Adam admits to Jeff that he is in the middle of high school. 

Taylor says if Adam flips, come the merger they would just vote his ass out.  

Adam says tonight is about the future and he likes who he is voting out.  "Someone will go home upset and someone will stay upset"

Figgy and Taylor just keep holding hands and laughing.

Time to vote

 

Still hand holding and laughing but now Adam has a sly smile on his face.  Bye bye Figgy!  Sorry Taylor but she'll be sleeping with the crew in about 4 hours.