Survivor Week 12

Ok, I really thought I already wrote this one up. I think I dreamed one that was probably WAY funnier.

Show started with a rehash of Randy's humiliation. Man, I could watch that all day. And, continued on the road to the camp with lots of yukking it up at Randy's expense. Bob finally had enough (which I think was more guilt than anything else) and told Sugar he was "pissed off at the belittling". But, Daaaaad, it's sooooo fun.

Corrine is mad. She jumps on Sugar too. She and Sugar go at it. Sugar has taking a lot more from worse people at the pole dancing joint. She takes Corrine to task for talking behind people's back. Corrine basically says, that's the game of Survivor. Cut to Corrine, "I'm in a camp of mutants. I'm NICE to people I like". Wow, how big is that pool of humanity?

Oh, the animal shots are back.

Bob and Ken go fishing. With Ken growing a pair for the first time in his life, Bob wants to explain the facts of life to him and tell him to always carry protection. At first I thought he meant condoms but I think he means you should always have a spare immunity idol in your pocket. Kenny tells the camera-"Bob doesn't know how to play Survivor". LOL. You KNOW this is going to bite him on the ass.

Challenge time. Survivors are divided into 2 teams of 3 people. They are tied together and have to go out through a swamp to get...wait for it.... sprocket puzzle pieces. I think Mark Burnett is trying to patent the sprocket, cause Jeff says it like every week. Ok, so they get the pieces, put them together and.......YES!! Raise a flag. Second round has the 3 winners going against each other with yet another puzzle. See, with America becoming so obese, they can no longer have challenges where people actually MOVE THEIR ASSES. Wanna know what you're playing for? Video's from home. Here, take a sample look on this SAMSUNG PHONE. We have Crystal's husband and child, Kenny's sister, Corrine's family and her brother-he must have had his 3rd eye removed as well, Bob's hot wife, Mattie's girlfriend and dog, Sugar's sister and someone for Suzie. I have to admit to a little teary eyes. The didn't show the video porn Jeff's girlfriend Julie sends him daily ON THE SAMSUNG PHONE.

Suzie and Crystal are captains, and everyone but Corrine is chosen. She has no chance of winning the video-oh it comes with pizza and beer. She wah wah wah's about how nobody likes her and she doesn't know why. Maybe it's because YOU ARE BITCH.

Ok, so the get all tied up, and make their way into the swamp, which is really swampy and everyone falls down. Sugar's top falls down and gets all pixilated. Anyway, Crystal, Bob and Sugar's team figures out how to work the sprocket (I am soooo into that word) and they raise their flag first. I'm guessing Kenny was confused because it was 3D and not on a computer screen. Second round is one of those puzzles we had as kids with 8 pieces in a 9 piece square, but bigger. Bob kicks it and wins the prize.

Bob wins reward, which Jeff now says is a Sprint phone. Either Samsung pulled the placement or it is a Samsung phone with Sprint service. Anyway, since Ford is now bankrupt and no cars are gonna be given out, they gotta make up some cash in phone service product placement.

So Bob sits down in the jungle couch (I wonder if, like in my house, he had to move the ass of an animal to sit down) and pours himself a beer. He's got the video of his wife going and she says, "wait, I have something to show you". I think Bob was thinking this was gonna get all porno but instead his wife popped out from behind a tree and surprised him. Bob is so friggin cute, although I swear he is starting to look like Tom Hanks in that movie with the volleyball. Anyway, she tells the camera that "Bob smelled sooo good (ok, she actually said smelt but I think that is a small fish)-like campfire. Yea, campfire, perspiration, 32 days of morning breath and unwashed ass. Hmmm, smells like spring in Iowa.

Bob and she go back to camp and meet everyone. Bob gives a whistle and all the other loved ones come over the hill. Aaahhhh, I'm crying now. Corrine hugs her brother-"he "gets" my sense of humor". Kenny talks strategy with his amazingly normal looking sister. Sugar and her hefty sister sit on the dock and throw some of her dad's ashes into the croc (the animal not the smelly shoes) infested water. Sugar has hobbit feet by the way. I was crying again.

Then, the dramatic music. No, not an animal kill, but Matty hugs and kisses his girlfriend Jamie (and again, I am so thinking of the socks on his teeth) and asks her to marry him. It's all romantic, what with the flies buzzing over head and all. He gives her a...wait for it..... fake immunity necklace as an engagement present. HUH, I was expecting that necklace from the Titanic movie. Like, is this the land of lucky charms and beads or what?? Man! Who knew Gabon was just one big AC Moore store. Fortunately they cut away, because the way the water buffalo looked scared and ran away, that dock was a rocking...if you know what I mean.....

Back to the game. Bob and Corrine talk about wanting to blind side Matty. The other 5 talk about getting rid of Bob. Bob tells Corrine that Marcus didn't really throw that immunity idol in the water, he hid it and Bob has it. She asks if it's real, and he tells her, alas it's not, but they should use that as a story to get some others to blind side Matty, thinking it's not worth voting for Corrine if these two have yet another idol. Yea, I'm thinking, what ahole is gonna fall for that move again??

Immunity Challenge: Gabon Questions, which you get balls for each right one that you subsequently throw at a friggin sheet with circles drawn on it.

1) Gorillas were discovered in Gabon...True. Corrine and Sugar get balls
2) The male elephant is called a bull, what is the female elephant called....a cow. Sugar, Suzie, Corrine and Bob get this
3) The gabonese viper (haha, I thought they meant Corrine) is poisonous but not to humans, true or false...False. Everyone but Suzie and Corrine get this.
4) The elephant trunk serves as it's nose, arm and mouth. False. Kenny, Matty, Sugar, Corrine and Bob get this right.

Balls are thrown. Bob wins immunity. Corrine is all wigged out that their lame ass plan is going to work.

Corrine tells Kenny about the idol. Remember, this was his idol until Matty or Marcus showed it to everyone. Kenny wants to blind side Matty, Bob and Corrine ask him to bring in Crystal. Corrine to the camera- "it just shows the level of incompetence we're dealing with". Corrine wants Matty to go, not Corrine.

Bob talks to Crystal, offers her final 4 if she takes out Matty. Kenny and Crystal rejoice in the jungle with their plan to get Matty out, AND get Corrine to use the idol. They decide to split their votes so Corrine gets 4, Matty gets 3, Corrine pulls out the idol and Matty is gone.

Tribal council. Randy is in a green shirt, not the devil costume I was expecting. Lots of blabbing about trust, when to break with your allegiance, paranoia, blah blah blah. Really Jeff, although you are in that hot hot hot dark blue shirt, and without a baseball cap, enough with the psychology. The votes are cast. Anyone want to play an immunity idol? Slowly Corrine shakes her head. Corrine is voted on to the jury of hell.