Survivor Menopause

Yo! Is it hot in Nicaragua or am I having a flash? Oldster Marty can't sleep without his Serta. We gotta fix this shelter thing. JJ wants to fix the roof.

JT wants to go fishing. JJ is all getting his way and stuff, JT is mad. Marty decides to let JJ keep sticking his neck out.

NaO and Sash are all hooking up. Cause, that's what you do when you are in your 20's. He is working the "I'm half African American thing". Wink, and it's the below the belt half. Says he wants to bring in all the minorities which I believe means the smart Asian chick. NaO is now wearing an orange Turban. Just so we know she's ALL minority. She does the AA head shake and says, "Kelly B is a charity case". Uhuh. Charity begins at the turban.

Ahhh, we must be at about day 5 because the Prozac and Lithium are beginning to leave their systems. Jill wants to eat snails. She tastes one and makes a face but says they are OK. Holly WIGS out. Holly is a big hot mess of hormonal imbalance. She actually steals the pot of snails and walks away. Say what? Hormonal Holly then overhears people talking about what a big hot mess she is. So, she steals Dan's Armani leather Survivor Satchel (customized with real elephant tusk handles!) and walks down to the beach. First she fills them with sand, and then puts them in the water. Whoa. I predict a bunny in a pot coming soon!

Armani Dan is now all, "hey where are my $1600 Alligator shoes". WTF?? Who brings $1600 shoes to Survivor?? Hormonal Holly now feels all bad. "I'm struggling emotionally" and I'm sorry guys. Whoa. Jeff, time to call in Medical! "I'll forgive her but I'm going to keep one eye on her and one on my shoes".

Ahhh, and lest we thing the old people have a monopoly on crazy, NaO loses her sock-it was inside her shoe. Seriously, I do not want to stand next to this bitch at the laundromat. She in turn steals Fabio's socks. He asks her, "um, did you ACCIDENTALLY borrow my sock?" Bang!! It's on!! Ya gotta wonder if there are friends and family members who were laughing behind her back saying, "that crazy bitch ain't gonna last 1 week".

Drama continued. Hormonal sits down with JJ. "I don't know if I can to this" JJ:"We need you!"

Challenge. The Young and The Stupid come marching in again. Holy crap!! It's a puzzle free night!!!! Woooohooooo. The challenge is to faceplant yourself into mud, crawl under netting, roll around in hay to find balls, balance the balls on paddles and then pass the balls into a barrel. Wanna know what you're playing for? "Sedatives" I yelled. Nope. A tarp or fishing gear, and immunity.

Old dudes, you have the Medallion of POWWA. That could be exchanged for one ball already in your barrel. Hells yes, Jeff, since we effed up last time and didn't use it, we will use it tonight. NaO and Dan sit out. NaO because she wants the legless girl to crash and burn.

(NOTE: Right about now we had a wicked thunderstorm blow through, and our power went on and off a couple times. But I figured out the gist).

JJ kicks ass, but then the oldsters blow their lead. Hormonal can't find the ball. However, once they have their 3 balls, they get them all smoothly in the barrel while the Young and Stupids can't get one. Old Wins over Youth!! They take the fishing gear.

Oldtime celebration. Hmmm, is Hormonal done being insane?? They find the clue to the hidden idol in the fishing box. Everyone goes to find it and Jill-with-the-stomach-pooch and Marty find it.

Youngsters: Kelly B kicked some one legged ASS today. Alina and Kelly B want Asian Brenda to go. Chase doesn't cause he's kinda got the hots for her and a kinda alliance. He also has an alliance with Shannon. NaO and Brenda want Shannon. Chase tells Brenda, while Alina is listening. Alina tells everyone that Chase is double crossing. What will Chase do??

Tribal, Jeff is in light blue.

Shannon: it's brutal, Jeff. I've never camped. Plus there's no loyalty. He goes right after Chase and his "girlfriend"
Chase: She is not my girlfriend
Shannon: He's pissing me off. He lied to me. Where's your loyalty and integrity??
Jeff: Wow, it's kinda early for this level of woop ass
Fabio: Yo, chill, fo real dudes
Brenda: I think is shows a weakness in Shannon (fuse ignited)
Shannon: Who you calling weak bitch? Am I not trusted?? (lots of eye rolls)
Shannon to Chase: I've had better looking girlfriends than you. You're from NYC which is full of gays.
Alina: I thought I trusted Chase...
Benry: It happened all so fast, I don't know who to trust!
NaO (who can't stay out of a good fight): I hate Fabio.
Fabio: That attitude has been present the whole time, biatch.
NaO goes apeshit.
Fabio:Yo, can we just vote??

Jeff tallies the votes, and it's a blow out for Shannon. Bye bye crazy. Shannon takes the walk of shame, which this season is through a little faux graveyard.

Survivor Nicaragua: Meet the Fockers!

Yo yo yo! Nicaragua!! Land of VOLCANOES!!!!!!!!!! And, um, Conquistadors and, according to Judd "there's no fences around the animals like in the zoo". Duuuuuude. Got, I can't wait until the "throw the virgins in the volcano" challenge.


Jeff is in medium blue. Tease. He's standing on a big hard rock with water shooting up all around him. Uhuh.

Tribal fake out. The survivors are split into two tribes. Jeff asks a few of them stupid questions, although he does not ask Eve (or is it Yve?) "WTF are you doing in the jungle wearing a long sleeved plaid dress with cowboy boots"??

Ahhhh, sumptin new this year. The medallion of POWAAA. It gives your tribe "an edge". It's hidden out in this lagoon. Now go find it. The "very single" Asian chick-Brenda finds it in the tree. But wait! There's more!! Ya think these are your tribe mates? PSYCH!!! This is Survivor AGE discrimination! Woohooo. Old people on one team, young on the other. Old is over 40. WTF?? Ok, I gotta comment on that outrageous bit of CRAP. Now-spoiler alert-after Jeff wore his dark blue shirt to the tribal council, and I met him at the Pottstown Motel 6 (try and keep up newbies), this 40-cough-cough year old performed sexual tricks like any of those 20 year old ho's. Ok, ok, I did have to take a motrin and rub a little Ben-gay on my thighs, but STILL.

So, the old people hobble over to one mat and the young tight buttock'd people ran over to the other mat. Jeff offers the young the option of trading the Medallion of POWAAA for fishing gear. So the old people get the Medallion.

Ok. So right about now I turned to my husband and said, "Hey is that Mike Ditka??" Wil, "yes honey but he is going by an alias, Jimmy Johnson" LOL.

NO NO NO NO-do not make an alliance with the first weirdo you run into! Holly and Wendy hook right on up. BTW-is that what all goat herders are wearing this season?

Oldster Jane starts a fire with glasses-trifocals probably. Why does no one else ever try to do this??

La Flor tribe (which means young skin in Nicaraguan). They're all like, damn we got this!!

Note: am I the only one noticing all of the pixilated penises this season?? And, are these girls in underwear instead of bathing suits?? Did the Nike shipment get lost?

Kelly B is an amputee. She decides to "announce it" since everyone has already seen her run. She strips and shows her bionic leg. Hmmm, does that make her a threat or a weakness? Lots o'opinions on that score. As the younguns do, they all run off to swim together. KB leaves her limb on the shore. I kept waiting for Russell (Etroll) to run out of the jungle and steal it.

Espada Tribe (Nicaraguan for lack of bladder control): Jimmy J is puking. "I never thought it would be this hard". It's friggin day one!! Jimmy, you been living in a mansion and riding around life in a golf cart way too long.

Alina and Kelly B take a walk, find a hidden immunity idol.

Treemail. Jimmy J gives the tribe a big ass pep talk. Go team!!

Challenge: Jeff is in blue, medium blue. OMFG, the young tribe dances onto the mat. UGH. I so want them to go down.

It's the gutter guard challenge. Pour water into a series of rain gutters, into a bucket. First team to fill their bucket gets...wait for it...you know it's coming.....FRIGGIN PUZZLE PIECES. The medallion of POWAA can be traded in for an advantage, which in this case is their first bucket of water. I think they say no to that. Jeff shows the idol, which this season is not made out of coconuts but is some play on a cartoon conquistador.

Both teams are pouring water. The old team is a little more shaky, but as Jeff says at one point "The older tribe has a great flow now". I really thought the next commercial was going to be for Flomax. Youngsters are a little bit ahead going into the puzzle. Yea, they kick the old people's ass, which surprises me since most old people I know love doing puzzles. But maybe only in reclining chairs with afghans on their legs.

Espala: Holy crap, Jimmy T is only 48?? He looks like 60 and he's complaining he needs a nap. Jeeebus. Coach is a target as is Wendy, the weird ass goat herder.

Tribal, Jeff is in Dark Blue!! YAY FOR ME!!

He compliments Jane on getting the fire started. "Well, Jeff, I read your article on why no one ever learns to build fire before coming on to the show (I believe it was in AARP magazine) and have been practicing for 2 months.

Jimmy the J: Is there a target on your back? Noooo, Jeff, I'm not a threat to anyone. I'm just here for vomiting fun! I already have a boatload of CASH. Jimmy T (jealous because he was expecting to be the only one named Jimmy this season) isn't buying it.

Raise your hand if you think you are in trouble tonight. Half of them raise their hand. Wendy somehow gets started on how she didn't connect well with her tribe, which is always a good thing to point out, says, "no one even asked me my age". Whaaaa? You never ask a woman her age. She then goes on and on and on, really digging her grave. And, alas, she is the first person voted off Survivor Nicaragua. Kevin, Matt and Nancy, you are safe for now but I think the alternate is a wackadoo as well.