Survivor Nicaragua: Meet the Fockers!

Yo yo yo! Nicaragua!! Land of VOLCANOES!!!!!!!!!! And, um, Conquistadors and, according to Judd "there's no fences around the animals like in the zoo". Duuuuuude. Got, I can't wait until the "throw the virgins in the volcano" challenge.


Jeff is in medium blue. Tease. He's standing on a big hard rock with water shooting up all around him. Uhuh.

Tribal fake out. The survivors are split into two tribes. Jeff asks a few of them stupid questions, although he does not ask Eve (or is it Yve?) "WTF are you doing in the jungle wearing a long sleeved plaid dress with cowboy boots"??

Ahhhh, sumptin new this year. The medallion of POWAAA. It gives your tribe "an edge". It's hidden out in this lagoon. Now go find it. The "very single" Asian chick-Brenda finds it in the tree. But wait! There's more!! Ya think these are your tribe mates? PSYCH!!! This is Survivor AGE discrimination! Woohooo. Old people on one team, young on the other. Old is over 40. WTF?? Ok, I gotta comment on that outrageous bit of CRAP. Now-spoiler alert-after Jeff wore his dark blue shirt to the tribal council, and I met him at the Pottstown Motel 6 (try and keep up newbies), this 40-cough-cough year old performed sexual tricks like any of those 20 year old ho's. Ok, ok, I did have to take a motrin and rub a little Ben-gay on my thighs, but STILL.

So, the old people hobble over to one mat and the young tight buttock'd people ran over to the other mat. Jeff offers the young the option of trading the Medallion of POWAAA for fishing gear. So the old people get the Medallion.

Ok. So right about now I turned to my husband and said, "Hey is that Mike Ditka??" Wil, "yes honey but he is going by an alias, Jimmy Johnson" LOL.

NO NO NO NO-do not make an alliance with the first weirdo you run into! Holly and Wendy hook right on up. BTW-is that what all goat herders are wearing this season?

Oldster Jane starts a fire with glasses-trifocals probably. Why does no one else ever try to do this??

La Flor tribe (which means young skin in Nicaraguan). They're all like, damn we got this!!

Note: am I the only one noticing all of the pixilated penises this season?? And, are these girls in underwear instead of bathing suits?? Did the Nike shipment get lost?

Kelly B is an amputee. She decides to "announce it" since everyone has already seen her run. She strips and shows her bionic leg. Hmmm, does that make her a threat or a weakness? Lots o'opinions on that score. As the younguns do, they all run off to swim together. KB leaves her limb on the shore. I kept waiting for Russell (Etroll) to run out of the jungle and steal it.

Espada Tribe (Nicaraguan for lack of bladder control): Jimmy J is puking. "I never thought it would be this hard". It's friggin day one!! Jimmy, you been living in a mansion and riding around life in a golf cart way too long.

Alina and Kelly B take a walk, find a hidden immunity idol.

Treemail. Jimmy J gives the tribe a big ass pep talk. Go team!!

Challenge: Jeff is in blue, medium blue. OMFG, the young tribe dances onto the mat. UGH. I so want them to go down.

It's the gutter guard challenge. Pour water into a series of rain gutters, into a bucket. First team to fill their bucket gets...wait for it...you know it's coming.....FRIGGIN PUZZLE PIECES. The medallion of POWAA can be traded in for an advantage, which in this case is their first bucket of water. I think they say no to that. Jeff shows the idol, which this season is not made out of coconuts but is some play on a cartoon conquistador.

Both teams are pouring water. The old team is a little more shaky, but as Jeff says at one point "The older tribe has a great flow now". I really thought the next commercial was going to be for Flomax. Youngsters are a little bit ahead going into the puzzle. Yea, they kick the old people's ass, which surprises me since most old people I know love doing puzzles. But maybe only in reclining chairs with afghans on their legs.

Espala: Holy crap, Jimmy T is only 48?? He looks like 60 and he's complaining he needs a nap. Jeeebus. Coach is a target as is Wendy, the weird ass goat herder.

Tribal, Jeff is in Dark Blue!! YAY FOR ME!!

He compliments Jane on getting the fire started. "Well, Jeff, I read your article on why no one ever learns to build fire before coming on to the show (I believe it was in AARP magazine) and have been practicing for 2 months.

Jimmy the J: Is there a target on your back? Noooo, Jeff, I'm not a threat to anyone. I'm just here for vomiting fun! I already have a boatload of CASH. Jimmy T (jealous because he was expecting to be the only one named Jimmy this season) isn't buying it.

Raise your hand if you think you are in trouble tonight. Half of them raise their hand. Wendy somehow gets started on how she didn't connect well with her tribe, which is always a good thing to point out, says, "no one even asked me my age". Whaaaa? You never ask a woman her age. She then goes on and on and on, really digging her grave. And, alas, she is the first person voted off Survivor Nicaragua. Kevin, Matt and Nancy, you are safe for now but I think the alternate is a wackadoo as well.