Survivor Update: Asians Don't Scramble

Yo yo yoooohooooo. How y'all doing on the Thanksgiving eve? House clean? Turkey thawed? Mine neither. But, shit, let's play a little Survivor Update instead of working.


This is the fun part of Survivor, when the obvious people are gone, and people have to start voting for their BFF's. You know, the ones they met 20-some days ago? Episode starts out with Brenda and Sash gloating about their POWA. Brenda says they are the king and queen of Survivor, although Sash is more like the queen. Metaphorical bolt of lightening whenever you see an episode start this way.

This is also the time in the game when people totally under the radar actually speak. In this week's excitement, Purple Kelly speaks!!! And, yes, I was kinda surprised she didn't sing, "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family".

Benry, Fabio and Dan are on the outs. I for one am shocked that Dan is still alive. Holly (WHAT THE F&*CK IS WITH HER SHIRT AND THE APPEARING/DISAPPEARING RIGHT SLEEVE?????????????) and Jane aren't happy with the power couple.

Drama:
Holly asks Benry how he can trust them
Jane tells NaO that Brenda is a Villain
Holly talks to Chase. He wants Benry.

AAAAGGGGHHHH.

Challenge. Jeff is in friggin GREEN?? WTF?? Didn't his blue wardrobe come back from the Nicaraguan cleaners?? Shoulda gone with the Koreans, Jeff. Just a tip.

Teams have to travel across the beach using barrels, ropes and planks. I'm only surprised they didn't have to go all in and dress like rodeo clowns. Wanna know what you're playing for? A trip to a volcano and a pizza/brownies fix. Ya know, call me crazy but why all the junk food?? Aren't they all afraid they're gonna get fat?

Blue team (Chase, Jane, Kelly, Fabio and NaO) easily win. Per Jeff to the Yellow team, lead by Sash: "If this were for life or death, you'd be dead".
They helicopter over to the volcano, put on orange prison garb and sled down the side of the volcano. Um, HOW DO YOU GET BACK UP??

Back at camp, disaster has struck. In an effort to keep the fire burning in the rain, the build it super high and surrounded it with wooden trunks full of their food and stuff. LOL. Reminds me of this girl who worked with me who had the worst luck. Her barn caught on fire and both she and her husband drove over to the barn, parked too close and watched their cars burn up too. I always wondered how that call to the insurance company went. Anywhoo. Big fire (actually set by the crew maybe??), even the tarp melted. Benry is losing it.

Back on the volcano, NaO makes her "power play" and pulls Fabio aside. "Who do you think is running the show??" They chat about getting rid of Brenda. Why these two get together is beyond me.

Chase and Brenda chat about Holly's plan to get rid of Brenda/Sash. Chase is a total pussy who cannot keep his mouth shut.
Chase tells NaO he wants Benry instead. NaO tells Benry you can't trust Chase. NaO tells Jane Chase is against getting rid of Brenda/Chase. Now Jane's not sure of Chase...thinks he wants in Brenda's pants. I'm not even going to go there that this old cougar might be jealous of that. NaO tells Holly, do not trust Chase.

Seriously, NaO is either 2 people or she is just playing crazy-ass.

Immunity Challenge: Light Blue. Stand on a platform over water, holding on to a knotted rope, and lean farther back every 5 minutes.

First out: Sash, Kelly, Holly...Brenda...Dan...Fabio...NaO... and Benry. It's down to Jane and Chase. Jane wants to quit but Coach Jeff (who I think spent a little bit of time with Jimmy J) talks her into holding on, and Chase falls. Jane wins immunity. She is one god dayam tough broad.

Back at camp: Chase and Sash want Benry. NaO talks to Sash, says Chase is on her last nerve. Wanna do a power play?

Chase is talking to Fabio, Holly comes up and says, "it's Brenda". Chase runs to Brenda clutching his little balls "They're saying it's you. NaO set it up". Brenda to Chase: "Do you think they are gonna be more loyal to you than we are??" Sash wonders if he should give the idol to Brenda to save her. Although he shoulda done his wondering holding his pinky between his front two teeth while holding a cat.

Tribal: Medium Blue. I was busy anyway.
Sash: I was surprised about Marty. Been a lot of reshuffling
Brenda: I regretted Marty but I had to prove I could be trusted. There's a break because NaO wants to jump ship
hahahah, when will these people learn not to talk smack about NaO at Tribal??
NaO: not me, Chase is running paranoid
Kelly SPEAKS!! I'm pretty out of the loop Jeff but I just learned a whole lot
Brenda: Why would Sash break the alliance? Or Chase tell me? It was NaO
Jeff: Brenda, are you scrambling this week?
Brenda: humumumumum, not scrambling, Asians do not scramble.
Jeff: Are you too proud to say scrambling?
Brenda: I'm Asian, we don't scramble.
Jeff: Sash, this is disastrous to your alliance.
Time to vote. Anyone have the idol and want to say, GIVE IT TO BRENDA?? Crickets......
Brenda is voted off the island.

Survivor: It's a 3 F-Bomb Tribal

Yo, why is this season a 39 day Survivor?? Didn't it used to be 30 days?

It's all Marty, all Jane feud all the time. NaO thinks Marty was too hard on Jane at the last tribal. Jane is now calling the jackass Mr. Farty. Yea, that'll tell him. Says his days are numbered. Probably are but I think Marty did plant some anti-Jane seeds the other week.

Marty: I cleared the air last night, now I need a plan. His plan is to tell everyone it's NaO to get her to use the idol, then blindside Jane. Jane would like to take him to the woodshed and whoop his ass. I think she could do it.

Challenge, light blue. It's for reward and THERE IS NO PUZZLE. That is my reward. Divided into 2 teams, they have to go through a bunch of obstacles and get keys, and then unlock locks. Wanna know what you're playing for? Survivor BBQ. Chicken, steak, chips, beer, apple pie. Oh, and a zipline tour. Teams randomly split into men vs women. Chase isn't chosen but chooses to back his new girlfriend/mother Jane.

Obstacles are 1) hay, 2) a crawl and then a stick wall, 3) a new crawl and then 4) a brick wall.

Jane poops out halfway through and men win reward. Purple Kelly is crying cause she needs some grub. Jeff: Any of you men want to give up your spot so one of these ladies can eat? Crickets...

Marty think Chase is an idiot for going with the ladies.

Zipline looks cool. And then they get their beer on. Marty tells everyone his big plan to blindside NaO. They all act like they like the plan, but Sash believes he and Brenda run the show so they should make the decisions.

Back at camp, the girls and Chase discuss getting rid of Marty. Brenda thinks Chase made a dumb choice, she's not too sure about his judgement. Holly thinks Dan and marty are tight and predicts that they will try to get Sash and Brenda to vote with them. Chase is worried about Brenda, NaO tells him "don't work on his nerves", so he goes right out and works on her nerves, asking her again and again what she's thinking.

NaO: Chase is paranoid. We night need to swap him out.

Tree mail: test of mental strength.

Challenge, dark blue. Love you too, honey. Immunity is up for grabs, but only one this week. Jeff holds up symbols and they have to remember the order. In the end it comes down to Marty and Brenda, and Brenda wins immunity.

If this is a boring update, frankly it was one of the more boring episodes in history.

Fabio and Benry chat. Is Marty's plan gonna work? We gotta just lay low and play stupid. Fabio: God, it is just so hard for me to play stupid. LOL.

Hey, anyone else notice that NaO is a PE Teacher? OMFG, how did I miss that? Can you friggin imagine?? "Get your damn ass up that rope to the ceiling".

Blah blah blah, Marty, Jane, Marty, Jane. Sash and Brenda talk. All the women want Marty. Brenda doesn't really like Jane, Holly and Chase calling the shots. They both kinda want Marty to stay.

Tribal, dark blue.
It's even a boring tribal until NaO gets her crazy on. Jeff asks her about the stolen food, and she basically tells him to stop F^%$ing asking about the damn food. It's over, I said I was sorry.

Marty: I hasn't gone down well, it isn't over
NaO: I'm not perfect! I'm a humanitarian (huh??), Jeff. I don't like Marty, his hair.....his walk...whole lot o'crazy talk and then woop woop woop. LOL.
Marty: She's a liar and a cheat
Fabio: Ooh, I gotta get in on this NaO beat down. She's a wack job
NaO: Stop talking about the f^&*^ing flour.
Fabio: Craaaaaazzzzzyyyyyy.
3 more F bombs and a middle finger and we're ready to vote.
Jeff:NaO, I am speechless that you can keep going off like this at tribal and you're still here.
NaO just gives him the mean face.

Vote, no idol play. Rut ro. Marty is voted off.

Survivor: All Blue All the Time!!

So have y'all noticed Jeff ONLY wears blue this season? Light blue, medium and the most famous, dark blue. Dude is totally obsessed with me, I tell you.

Marty has no friends, no idol and the vultures are circling (literally). "Something's gotta change or I'm gone..."

Fabio finds tree mail-pack up all your stuff and follow the map. MERGE!!! Espada gets the trunk. Knives are already out, baby. Benry: Alina's time is up. Alina wants a major blindsiding of Marty-who's with me? Crickets...

Merge. Inside the trunk is food, new red buffs and booze. Let the fake love fest begin! NaO and Brenda take a walk and unload on each other.
Alina's a total bitch". "Sash has the idol".

New tribe is called Libertad. Hey y'all. What would you name your merged tribe? Hmmmmm. I'd go with Stinksalot. So, in fact, I refuse to call them anything BUT Stinksalot.

Hey, on another aside, McRib is back!! Yes, I do sometimes even make notes about the commercials.

Chase and Jane twang and click. They live in the same holler apparently. Seriously I am waiting for the announcement that Jane has been arrested as the major moonshine and drug seller in the region.

And, the moment we've all been waiting for!!
NaOHHELLSHEISCRAZYASS is making tortillas, and everyone is eating them, cause that's the whole point of making food for people. But I digress. She doesn't get many tortillas and flips OUT. She steals the flour and buries it and them goes back for the pots and pans too. LOL. Holly, of the expensive shoe incident, notices her go.

Alina and NaO are sitting talking on the beach and NaO tells Alina that the tribe is gunning for her. Alina goes all apeshit, well as apeshit as a white girl can get. NaO gives her an orange to calm down and tells her about the stuff she stole.

Meanwhile back at camp, "Where is all of our SHIT?? Holly confronts NaO: "Did you put the flour back after you put it in your bag and walked off" "What you talking 'bout BIATCH" NaO has a fight with Fabio, still denying it all and Alina keeps her yap closed. Later NaO confesses but says she did it for the tribe because I guess some of them were getting a little heavy. "Everyone lies in Survivor". Says Alina and I were together, hanging Alina. Marty doesn't believe she did it for the tribe of Stinksalot.
Brenda still wants Alina gone but NaO is on the outs. Sash now really wants to take NaO to the end.

Jane brings another fish to camp, and Marty is threatened by her. He tells Brenda Jane has to go.

Challenge: Come on in guys! (Medium Blue). It's an immunity challenge, boys and girls each get an immunity idol. They have to hold 2 pieces of steal with a sword thing in between it. If you drop the sword you break another tile. They hate pottery and tiles in this damn show.

Kelly and Dan each last like 3 seconds. It comes down to Jane and Holly for the girl immunity, and Marty, Fabio and Chase for the boys. Jane outlasts Holly but decided to make a point and stay in until the boys are done as well. She is one tough old bird. Fabio hands in and wins immunity.

Back at camp, the girls give Jane big hugs. She whispers "I want Marty" and not in a good holler sexual way. So the girls tell Sash they want Marty gone. Chase and Jane talk, she tells him it's Marty. Sash is worried if he doesn't give the idol back to Marty, at the end Marty will hold that against him. Asks if Marty could have one more week and then go? Jane and Chase don't want to go along with that, but Brenda is OK. Jane refuses to vote for Alina. Dan doesn't trust Chase, tells Marty. Marty talks to Sash and Brenda, but Sash just writes Marty off as paranoid.

The gaggle of girls now try to get Fabio to vote with them. With Alina, we'd have 6 for Marty. Fabio wants NaO (hellllloooooo!!! yes!!!!!)

Tribal. Dark Blue, BRB.

Holly: is the game starting to change? Yes, you now have to take a risk
Marty: Is the window of opportunity limited? Yes, and since you asked me Jeff, Jane has made bad decisions since 30 minutes into this game. Be careful of the little old lady, she'll take the million. I'd even vote for her.
Jane-ignore him, it's a personal vendetta
Alina: did marty just hurt himself? Um yes Jeff I believe he did.
Dan: WTF?? Why are we not talking about voting the 2 people who stole our damn food?
NaO: Oh, get over it I gave it back.
Fabio: you only gave it back when caught.
NaO: But I already been punished. Nobody talked to me for an hour
Alina: why should you stay? I'm a swing vote pawn, Jeff.
Apparently not anymore. First person on the Jury is Alina.