Survivor Phillippines Week 1

Yo yo yo!!! I am loving this 3 little tribes thang. It's the first time ever I actually know who everyone is after the first week! No hiding on this season!

 

So, we're in the Philippines. I think we've been in the Philippines many times lately. Probst must like the hookers there. 

 

So, 15 AMERICANS (technically not true but I'll get there later), 3 tribes and HOLY SHIT WHAT A COINCIDENCE, they are all wearing their team colors!! What are the odds of THAT happening??? 

 

Jeff is giving his little speech about Survivor and how DANGEROUS IT IS. He asks Roxy what the worst thing she ever saw happen on Survivor and she gives this dramatic reenactment of Russell passing out and having to leave the show. Which tells me that bitch is too young to have watched season 2, because YOU KNOW the real answer is the dude who fell into the fire and had skin hanging off his hands. Ah, season 2, Australia, still the toughest season ever and the last time I believe anyone actually went hungry on Survivor. 

 

Ok. So here comes another fancy boat with the 3 returning Survivors. There's Russell from Samoa-the actual dude who fainted in the challenge, Jonathan from Fan vs Favorites who left with a cut on his leg because the australian medical lady said he COULD DIE, and Michael the burn victim from Australia. He's looking good! And HOLY FREAKING SHIT, they are all wearing the proper colors for their teams too!!! WOWZA is that a coincidence!!

So, yea Blair Warner is on this season but apparently no one is old enough to have watched The Facts of Life because she looks exactly like she did in the 80's. Only Michael recognizes her but doesn't say anything.

Yea, there are hidden idols this time around but thank you baby jesus no redemption island crap. 

 

"You have 30 seconds to grab stuff and get onto your team rafts". And of course, my damn baseball player has to freaking hurt himself jumping off the damn boat! Christ. 

 

The blue team is Matsing, which I think is a monkey. Russell is assigned to that one. He goes on and on about how the person who is the leaders is a giant target, but then takes on the roll of asshole leader. There's a blonde chick named Angie and a hot guy named Malcolm. Malcolm apparently used to live in Micronesia and knows how to start a fire. He walks Russell through it and they get fire in like the first 10 minutes of the season, which is amazing. Russell totally takes credit for it. 

 

Red team is Kalabaw, which is an ox like animal. This is Jonathan's tribe. I am starting to remember that he was an ahole last time. Jeff, the bballer, is bitching about his knee and a possible ripped MCL. Suck it up or leave now so I can get the alternate buddy. Jeff tells everyone that Jonathan is a good guy but he shouldn't win, one of the others should win. They decide to use him for info and them get rid of him. 

 

Yellow team is Tandang, which is a rooster. This is Michael's tribe full of very young and very energetic people, oh and Blair. Yea, that ain't gonna work. RC is an investment banker pretending to be an administrative assistant, mainly because everyone in the entire world hates bankers these days. She and Abi are all huggingly glad to be on the same tribe. Abi is in fact not American but Brazilian in American on one of the millions of lady-parts waxing visas. They decide they want Peter (because he's kinda dumb), and Michael in an alliance. They go to ask Peter and I SWEAR Abi's left tit was hanging out while they were talking. They don't trust "the old lady". OUCH. 

 

Apparently all the tribes forgo shelter and fire to instead instantly form alliances with complete strangers. 

 

Red tribe: Jeff is telling people he is a rancher from Texas, and that he sells motorcycles. Dawson, however, recognizes him and decides to save that info for later. Jonathan is off idol hunting while everyone else forgets about the idol. He looks everywhere and then realizes the only thing that was already on the beach was the box with rice. Inside he finds the first idol clue. 

 

Yellow: Blair is strangely shy and bad at this game. She for some strange reason is standing in the water with her jeans on and won't take them off with the other girls. She tells them she does a ministry for moms. Privately she goes on and on about the reason she is on Survivor is to "find herself" and "who she is". Jeez. Just give all of us "old ladies" a bad name! Oh, and apparently she lost all of her money in the 80's. She offers to work on the fire while everyone else runs around talking about her and scheming. RC doesn't like her. Michael can't figure out why she isn't using her fame, and asks her about it that night. She's pretty wishy washy about it. Michael is totally accident prone and keeps hurting himself. 

 

Blue tribe: Zane is a drop out with a frankNstein tattoo. Denise, the sex therapist, is intrigued by him and his tattoos, says "there's a story in them". I believe the story is he's a standard issue redneck but hell, let her look. Zane thinks he's the "perfect survivor player", which is typically said as the kiss of death. Zane goes on to form an alliance with everyone individually, and then tell Russell and Malcolm that he's in an alliance with everyone else but he's REALLY in an alliance with them. LOL. And, BANG, Denise and Malcolm form an alliance that seems interesting to me. Russell also finds the clue while making rice. He goes off to the beach to read it and Zane sees him. He asks him later about the idol and Russell says "I don't need it and if I see anyone looking for it that'll put a target on their back". 

 

Challenge. For immunity (2 of them) and fire stuff. Teams pair up into 3 pairs. The first pair run into the jungle and retrieve paddles. Second pair paddles out to unleash a giant box full of puzzle pieces which the final pair uses. "I'll give you a few minutes to strategize". Russell uses the time to be a massive dick, telling people to basically shut up and listen to his assignments. He says he sucks at puzzles, and Angie says so does she. Immediately Russell assigns her to the puzzle leg. 

 

Russell and Zane do the first leg and Zane is so out of shape Russell has to basically drag him back, but they still beat the red tribe out of the jungle. Red makes up a lot of time and they are neck and neck with the yellow tribe going into the puzzle. Red wins first place and yellow comes in second. Blue sucks it and have to go to tribal council. 

 

Back at camp, Russell is giving a "you have to dig deeper in Survivor" speech, and Zane interrupts and says, "Russell you had to pull me and I ain't built for Survivor. Let me go". Privately he says this is a giant ruse to feel them all out and make them ask him to stay. Uhuh. Or he's mentally unbalanced. 

 

Russell talks to Roxy and Angie, says it's Zane. He walks away and Angie starts bitching about Russell making her do the puzzle. She doesn't like Russell, prefers Zane because he's funny. Yea, that'll help in the upcoming comedy challenge. She tells Zane she doesn't want him to go. Malcolm also tells him to stay. Zane says he's pretty sure Russell has the idol. Malcolm tells Denise Zane thinks Russell has the idol, but she still doesn't want to get rid of the stronger Russell. 

 

Tribal, Jeff is in dark blue. Does his get a torch because that represents your life speech. 

 

Denise: I have mixed feelings about there being returning players but right now Russell is an asset to us

Zane: It's like an onion, Jeff, the more you peel it the more you cry

Jeff: What the what??

Zane: The more you uncover the layers the more Russell becomes a threat.

Russell: Yes, I blew it by being a massive asshole in the first 3 days.

Malcolm: he did come on a little strong

Russell: I would be shocked to be first to go, like a dagger in my heart

Roxy: He came on too strong

Angie: yea, he MADE ME DO A PUZZLE. And I was hoping to get through the entire freaking season of Survivor without ever seeing A PUZZLE. I mean, has there ever been A PUZZLE before on Survivor???

Rusell: She's right, I should have listened to her and NEVER EVER had her participate in anything with a puzzle.

Zane: Hey, here's a fun fact, I quit smoking the day I came onto the show! So I'm fat, slow, have no lung capacity AND I'm suffering from withdrawal. But I did say I couldn't run, and who knew anyone would have to do physical stuff on survivor! I mean, I kept meaning to quit smoking and exercise before I came here but shit, there was always a good NASCAR race to watch in my trailer.

Denise: There is a responsibility for your performance in challenges but there is also bad leadership.

Zane: I told them, I'll step aside if I'm holding them back.

 

Time to vote. Idol? Nope. Zane is voted off, proving he is in fact the perfect Survivor player. 

 

"Son of a bitch!!"