Bachelor Week 1

Ahhhh, I wasn't gonna do it but you know I can't watch this shit without commenting, and Wil really doesn't want to hear it!  LOL.  Looks like we have 25 (or is it 26?  hmmmmm) ho bags HIV and Herpes tested and ready to compete!  The Bachelor is Sean, or Shawn or something like that.  Not that it really matters because week 1 is all about the women who will either get a rose or a house full of cats to begin their lives as the crazy cat ladies who were once on the Bachelor.  

Here we go, as they come out of the limo:

1. AshLee E.  or AshLee F as the website calls her
2. Jackie, who is a cosmedic consultant (Mary Kay or Avon??).  She whips out a red lipstick and leaves a big kiss on his cheek.
3. Selma-who pulls a Kleenex out of her cleavage and wipes the lipstick off.  
4.  Leslie H who I believe is biracial.  Looks like ABC is taking it up a notch this season.  She's a poker dealer.
5. Daniella, or as I like to call her "the girl with the skank hair".  It's bad.  She does this strange "let's have out own handshake" thing.
6.  Kelly.  She "entertains" on a cruise ship.  Not a hooker at all.  LOL.  She sings a song she made up for him.  
7.  Katie is a yoga girl who doesn't wear shoes.  Probably rubs a crystal under her pits for deodorant too.  
8. Ashlee #2 (P).  She is the 50 shades of Grey freakazoid who comes with a gray tie to use on Sean.  Because as we all know, twenty-something men are totally reading that book.  
9.  Taryn-she has pretty hair braids
10. Catherine
11. Robyn, who is also african american.  She decides to do a couple of backflips on the way over to Sean and falls spectacularly on national TV.  So in case you were wondering if it was possible to be MORE humiliated that just having to go on the Bachelor to find lurve, yes it is.
12. Lacey, who comes right out and...shakes his hand.   She also gives him a lace heart to remember her.
13. Paige, who is a jumbotron operator (does that mean she knows how to use the on and off switch??).  She was on Bachelor Pad 3 but still managed to pass the STD check.
14. Tierra who is really really GLAD to meet him.  And then he says, "wait a minute", runs inside and gets a rose for her.  She has an open heart on her finger and wants him to close it for her.  She gets the first rose.  Sean: "I hope that doesn't cause tension in the house".  Nah, not at all Sean, you clueless idiot.
15. Amanda who wants to get the awkward pause out of the way in a very awkward way.
16. Leriann, who also has really bad hair.  She drove 2000 miles to be there and apparently forgot her blowdryer.
17. Desiree, who wins the first impression in my mind by bringing pennies for them to throw in the fountain (is it always the same house??)
18. Sarah 1-arm
19. Brooke who is also african american and kind of sleezy.
20. Diana
OK, my DVD crapped out and I lost 4 Ho's.
25. Lindsay arrives in a full out bridal gown and veil.  

Looks like I  missed the 3rd Ashley, H, who is AA and wearing a horrible blue dress.  Leslie, Lauren and Kristie might be the rest of the missing girls.  

Oh, and wait there's one more person who called and wanted to meet Sean.  Kacie B from Ben's season.  I love how these girls know all the other girls and what freaking season they were on!  Kasie B met Sean in the past (is that the show about the losers?) and wanted to come back.  He lets her back and of course the Ho-cats start freaking out.  

And so we begin the "party".  Desiree gets to talk to him and BANG he gives out another rose.  What??  The Ho-cats are starting to meow because a few of them can count to 2 roses.  Then all hell breaks lose as Sean just starts handing out roses.  He's apparently into "energy".  The first 3 with roses sit together and the holder of rose #3 has to bag on Tierra saying that hers wasn't really a first impression rose and all of their roses are the same.  Whatev!!  

Selma gets one, Jackie gets one, Robyn gets one.  He's just running through them!  Everyone's freaking out that some girls are having one on one time and NOT GETTING THE ROSE.  OMG!!  It's so confusing!!  

The bride is freaking OUT.  She is also drunk.  And clingy.  She thinks maybe he doesn't get the whole wearing a wedding gown thing.  No rose for her.

And now it's the SCARY 50 Shades of Gray girl who wins tonight's prize for the drunkest!  She has bad eyeliner and a bad dress and is really just BAAAAD.  She's slinking around "dancing".  She interrupts Sean and someone, they ask for 30 seconds and she stands there dancing while she waits.  Out comes the gray tie again.  "My mom is already in love with you and calls you her future son-in-law".  Uhuh, clearly insanity is genetic in that family.  No rose for her.  Sean: "I think she was 50 shades of drunk".  He walks her inside and she falls on her ass.  

Leslie H gets a rose and it's now like sharks smelling blood in the water.  They're all over him.  

Taryn is tearful.  She and Brooke are sitting together and Sean comes up AND TAKES  BROOKE AWAY.  So now the boo hooing is really starting.  "I don't fight over a guy...I can't do this for 9 weeks".  

Sarah 1 arm is nervous and working herself into hysteria.  If I don't get a rose it's because I ONLY HAVE ONE ARM.  And do you know how hard it is to open cat food cans with one arm?????  You try it next time.  Finally she gets her chance for a chat, and frankly bored me to tears.  NO ENERGY.  But, then again, she has ONE ARM and Sean gives her the pity rose.  OH GOOD!! Next week when I get the ax I can be relieved to know it was because my personality sucks, not just that I have ONLY ONE ARM.

Ding ding ding.  Ladies, time for the final rose giveaways.  Sean has 7 left to give out.  Big drama.......

Amanda, Leslie N, Kasie B, Kristie, Skank Hair Daniella, Taryn and Lindsay get the roses which means that Sean has weeded out 2 Ashley's, Kelly and Keriann (the cruise ship hooker, who is embarassed), Paige, Lacey Underthings and Lauren.  50 shades is gone.  :(