Hello
and welcome to this week's ALMOST ON TIME update of last week's
Survivor episode. I'm really hoping I'm not the only one watching this
season!
So last week Caleb up and said, "yo, I'm voting for Brad" at tribal council and almost everyone followed. Well, except for the rest of the Bro-alliance. Hayden and Vytas are all "what just happened??" "Huge move, Bro". Yet they are both thinking "this cannot be good for us males, can it? I mean, helllloooooooo why did we even think the gay bro wasn't gonna go all girly on us and chose the other church, as they say."
Annnnnnd over on Redemption Island, it's time for a little coitus brad-eruptis! "Yo! Don't kill me!" Brad enters with his white flag out and his tail between his legs. "I'm sorry Candice....please don't go all Carrie on me...." Candice: " I have no love for him....this is my island and it's kill or be killed...."
Over on Celebrity Island, there is some really really fucking creepy shit going on in the form of a lewd backrub performed by Laura M on Aras. I mean, he even LOOKS uncomfortable. "How did you learn to do that Laura M..." "I've been married for 25 years......you should see what I can do with a can of whipped cream and some nuts." Aras thinks Laura M (LM) is trying to play him. No, Aras, I think she is trying to screw you. Laura B tries her hand at a little cougar action: "Gervace.....come have some blankey space.....". Seriously, in what universe would that work??
Time for the 3-way! Brad comes in and Monica immediately asks "can I take your place". No baby.... Brad feels the need to explain that he isn't there "because I'm a jerk". Hmmmmm. Candice says "I was just repeating what people were telling me". Whatever. Jeff has to point out that she hasn't played one day at either tribe.
So the 3 way. It's the use planks to build a bridge, cross it and touch the table (really?? Survivor can't even spring for a freaking bell or something??) and then use the planks to do a....wait for it.......PUZZLE. And don't think, Jeff, I didn't notice that the puzzle picture is exactly the same as last week's. Anywhoooo, Brad gets a lot of cheers and assistance, and in the end Candice is a goner. Big kiss and goodbye. John gives Monica the clue and "THROW IT IN THE FIRE BABY, THROW IT IN THE FIRE BABY". She throws it in the fire, baby.
Monica has the SADZ. Tina, who by the way is looking worse than at the end of the Australia season, thinks Brad and Monica are really tight and that could be threatening. She thinks now that Monica no longer has her guy she's stepping up her game, which could be a threat or an asset. Or she could just get freaking annoying trying to convince everyone her professional athlete husband doesn't suffer from steroid-induced rage attacks.
Over in non-celebrity hooterville, Ciera is showing off her bug bites and Katie is impressing people with her amazing press on toe nails. Which are nasty but hey, I once had Susan G Komen feet and STILL had to walk another 40 miles. Vytas is all "where am I in this game?" There clearly is no Bro-alliance. He tries to kiss up to Caleb by telling him HE HAS NICE SKIN. LOLOL! He must have read that in a "what homosexuals like to hear from straight men" book. Caleb says he can "swing either way with his big kahunas (can't believe that wasn't bleeped)", which I took to mean that book is right on but he was talking about aligning with the men or the women. Keep in mind this dude is ENGAGED to Colton. Clearly he has no ability to judge people. Vytas decides instead of working on his alliance or strategizing he's gonna go do yoga, And talk about how much nicer this place is to dry out than his last rehab.
Finally, the challenge. It's brought to you by Hasbro and is available at Target nationwide. It's the Survivor slip N slide (also known in the trade as the "jesus some of these people smell like ass so let's do something about it" challenge). After the slip N slide, it's the old ring toss! God. Does anyone remember when Survivor had real challenges?? Wanna know what youre playing for, in addition to the enema? STEAK, and spices and a WOK. Some one actually says ooooooh a wok. Like, you can have the steak Ima gonna lick on this wok for a while. Or, they can chose fishing equipment, which the producers have shipped over Fed Ex and will NOT take back until the non-celeb tribe FINALLY wins it in a challenge.
Sooo, first up Gervace and Caleb. And with one girly underhanded toss Caleb smokes the professional athlete. Next up, Tyson in his little hair bun beats Hayden. Katie beats Kat, Aras and Vytas go against each other and Jeff is all "ooooh, the grudge rematch". And is it me or does Jeff have a case of the I-can't-shut-the-hell-ups this season? Isn't it funny when you stop sleeping with someone at the Pottstown Motel 6, because someone marries a skank, that you notice how freaking annoying the really are. Who's with me on this?
Anyway, Aras and Vytas go head to head, and because of his yoga zen, Vytas wins. 3-1 if you're counting. Tina obviously beats Ciera, and Caleb once again proves his worth putting things on a pole and beats Tyson. Who also throws like a girl. It's all down to Gervace and Hayden. HAHAHA, did anyone really think now was Gervace's time to shine? Nope. Finally, the loved ones win a challenge! Woo hooo! Jeff: so you're taking this damn fishing gear right? "Nope Jeff, we'd rather be 47%ers and take food handouts instead of learning to fish".
So it's a tough day at the celebrity camp as everyone reviews their contracts to see who is obligated to go first. OHHHH, Laura B doesn't have a contract, let's get rid of her. Plus SHE IS GOD DAMN ANNOYING and frankly one of the least attractive women they've ever had on the show. LB goes up to Kat and starts taking trash about "the girls" bitching about her staying in the challenge when they wanted to do it. Kat is all, "what's your problem old woman?" She ignores her.
Will it be LB or LM? LB is the safe choice because she's annoying and has no contract, plus she messed up the strategy Tina and Rupert worked out via their managers. BUUUUUT, LM might have a better change of beating Brad, who apparently no one wants to come back into the game. That way, they can control Monica. Monica figures this out and starts lobbying for LB.
Tribal. Jeff is in green and does his "fire is your life" thing.
Gervace: Is it different this time? Yes. These people make some moves.
Tina: It's going faster this time in terms of strategeering. "That loved ones thing is a big twist" (thereby earning herself another spoonful of rice)
Monica: Yes, Jeff, that loved one thing is miiiiighty big of a change. Even better than that island where people had to go spend the night in the rainstorms a couple of seasons ago. I dread seeing Brad at the 3-ways.
Aras: I'd like in on that "yes the loved one thing is a might twist" extra rice gambit, please. There is loyalty in the pairs. Not with Vytas and me, thought, noooo sireeeeee. That yoga doing drug addict can go do a downward dog for all I care.
Laura M: Yea, same with me and Ciera. Franky, I'm looking at her bug bites and thinking, "now you know how I felt when you came home all knocked up".
Gervace-Meh, she and Ciera are still close. I mean, she didn't even kick that pregnant little slut out the house. That shit don't fly in Philly.
LB-do I belong here Jeff? What the fuck kind of question is that? What do you mean "you're not Rupert in the tie dyed shirt and ARRRRRGHHHHH"? You aren't ARRRRGGGGG either Jeff, and there is NO WAY you could pull tie dyed off with your pansy dyed hair and your little J. Crew shirts and necklaces.
Laura M: Jeff, LB hasn't felt the STING of being voted off Survivor like we all have. I'm still in therapy after my dollar store torch was snuffed out.
And on that note, time to vote........Laura M you are off to redemption! Try that backrub on Brad and Monica will scratch your eyes out.
Rachel Cathy V Kim
Which means you now have John.
Marissa Rachel JoanneCandice Ron Kevin/Matt
So last week Caleb up and said, "yo, I'm voting for Brad" at tribal council and almost everyone followed. Well, except for the rest of the Bro-alliance. Hayden and Vytas are all "what just happened??" "Huge move, Bro". Yet they are both thinking "this cannot be good for us males, can it? I mean, helllloooooooo why did we even think the gay bro wasn't gonna go all girly on us and chose the other church, as they say."
Annnnnnd over on Redemption Island, it's time for a little coitus brad-eruptis! "Yo! Don't kill me!" Brad enters with his white flag out and his tail between his legs. "I'm sorry Candice....please don't go all Carrie on me...." Candice: " I have no love for him....this is my island and it's kill or be killed...."
Over on Celebrity Island, there is some really really fucking creepy shit going on in the form of a lewd backrub performed by Laura M on Aras. I mean, he even LOOKS uncomfortable. "How did you learn to do that Laura M..." "I've been married for 25 years......you should see what I can do with a can of whipped cream and some nuts." Aras thinks Laura M (LM) is trying to play him. No, Aras, I think she is trying to screw you. Laura B tries her hand at a little cougar action: "Gervace.....come have some blankey space.....". Seriously, in what universe would that work??
Time for the 3-way! Brad comes in and Monica immediately asks "can I take your place". No baby.... Brad feels the need to explain that he isn't there "because I'm a jerk". Hmmmmm. Candice says "I was just repeating what people were telling me". Whatever. Jeff has to point out that she hasn't played one day at either tribe.
So the 3 way. It's the use planks to build a bridge, cross it and touch the table (really?? Survivor can't even spring for a freaking bell or something??) and then use the planks to do a....wait for it.......PUZZLE. And don't think, Jeff, I didn't notice that the puzzle picture is exactly the same as last week's. Anywhoooo, Brad gets a lot of cheers and assistance, and in the end Candice is a goner. Big kiss and goodbye. John gives Monica the clue and "THROW IT IN THE FIRE BABY, THROW IT IN THE FIRE BABY". She throws it in the fire, baby.
Monica has the SADZ. Tina, who by the way is looking worse than at the end of the Australia season, thinks Brad and Monica are really tight and that could be threatening. She thinks now that Monica no longer has her guy she's stepping up her game, which could be a threat or an asset. Or she could just get freaking annoying trying to convince everyone her professional athlete husband doesn't suffer from steroid-induced rage attacks.
Over in non-celebrity hooterville, Ciera is showing off her bug bites and Katie is impressing people with her amazing press on toe nails. Which are nasty but hey, I once had Susan G Komen feet and STILL had to walk another 40 miles. Vytas is all "where am I in this game?" There clearly is no Bro-alliance. He tries to kiss up to Caleb by telling him HE HAS NICE SKIN. LOLOL! He must have read that in a "what homosexuals like to hear from straight men" book. Caleb says he can "swing either way with his big kahunas (can't believe that wasn't bleeped)", which I took to mean that book is right on but he was talking about aligning with the men or the women. Keep in mind this dude is ENGAGED to Colton. Clearly he has no ability to judge people. Vytas decides instead of working on his alliance or strategizing he's gonna go do yoga, And talk about how much nicer this place is to dry out than his last rehab.
Finally, the challenge. It's brought to you by Hasbro and is available at Target nationwide. It's the Survivor slip N slide (also known in the trade as the "jesus some of these people smell like ass so let's do something about it" challenge). After the slip N slide, it's the old ring toss! God. Does anyone remember when Survivor had real challenges?? Wanna know what youre playing for, in addition to the enema? STEAK, and spices and a WOK. Some one actually says ooooooh a wok. Like, you can have the steak Ima gonna lick on this wok for a while. Or, they can chose fishing equipment, which the producers have shipped over Fed Ex and will NOT take back until the non-celeb tribe FINALLY wins it in a challenge.
Sooo, first up Gervace and Caleb. And with one girly underhanded toss Caleb smokes the professional athlete. Next up, Tyson in his little hair bun beats Hayden. Katie beats Kat, Aras and Vytas go against each other and Jeff is all "ooooh, the grudge rematch". And is it me or does Jeff have a case of the I-can't-shut-the-hell-ups this season? Isn't it funny when you stop sleeping with someone at the Pottstown Motel 6, because someone marries a skank, that you notice how freaking annoying the really are. Who's with me on this?
Anyway, Aras and Vytas go head to head, and because of his yoga zen, Vytas wins. 3-1 if you're counting. Tina obviously beats Ciera, and Caleb once again proves his worth putting things on a pole and beats Tyson. Who also throws like a girl. It's all down to Gervace and Hayden. HAHAHA, did anyone really think now was Gervace's time to shine? Nope. Finally, the loved ones win a challenge! Woo hooo! Jeff: so you're taking this damn fishing gear right? "Nope Jeff, we'd rather be 47%ers and take food handouts instead of learning to fish".
So it's a tough day at the celebrity camp as everyone reviews their contracts to see who is obligated to go first. OHHHH, Laura B doesn't have a contract, let's get rid of her. Plus SHE IS GOD DAMN ANNOYING and frankly one of the least attractive women they've ever had on the show. LB goes up to Kat and starts taking trash about "the girls" bitching about her staying in the challenge when they wanted to do it. Kat is all, "what's your problem old woman?" She ignores her.
Will it be LB or LM? LB is the safe choice because she's annoying and has no contract, plus she messed up the strategy Tina and Rupert worked out via their managers. BUUUUUT, LM might have a better change of beating Brad, who apparently no one wants to come back into the game. That way, they can control Monica. Monica figures this out and starts lobbying for LB.
Tribal. Jeff is in green and does his "fire is your life" thing.
Gervace: Is it different this time? Yes. These people make some moves.
Tina: It's going faster this time in terms of strategeering. "That loved ones thing is a big twist" (thereby earning herself another spoonful of rice)
Monica: Yes, Jeff, that loved one thing is miiiiighty big of a change. Even better than that island where people had to go spend the night in the rainstorms a couple of seasons ago. I dread seeing Brad at the 3-ways.
Aras: I'd like in on that "yes the loved one thing is a might twist" extra rice gambit, please. There is loyalty in the pairs. Not with Vytas and me, thought, noooo sireeeeee. That yoga doing drug addict can go do a downward dog for all I care.
Laura M: Yea, same with me and Ciera. Franky, I'm looking at her bug bites and thinking, "now you know how I felt when you came home all knocked up".
Gervace-Meh, she and Ciera are still close. I mean, she didn't even kick that pregnant little slut out the house. That shit don't fly in Philly.
LB-do I belong here Jeff? What the fuck kind of question is that? What do you mean "you're not Rupert in the tie dyed shirt and ARRRRRGHHHHH"? You aren't ARRRRGGGGG either Jeff, and there is NO WAY you could pull tie dyed off with your pansy dyed hair and your little J. Crew shirts and necklaces.
Laura M: Jeff, LB hasn't felt the STING of being voted off Survivor like we all have. I'm still in therapy after my dollar store torch was snuffed out.
And on that note, time to vote........Laura M you are off to redemption! Try that backrub on Brad and Monica will scratch your eyes out.
Mini'lebs
Gervace Meagan Nancy
Monica Liz Tess
Tina Jill Susan
Aras AnnMarie Stephanie
Laura B Stacy Jeff/Eileen
Tyson Amys husband John S
Kat Alt
2 Donna Alt
2 Mary
Love'uns
Caleb Karen Cindy
Katie Denise Ginnie
Vytas Betty Gail
Ciera Leslie Becky
Hayden Donna/John Kelly
Redemption Isle
Colton Alt 1Donna Alt
1Mary Which means you now have KATRachel Cathy V Kim
Laura M Lori Amy
John Cathy V and Kim.
Brad Elayne Carolyn
OUT
Rupert Donna Mary Which means you now have Colton.
Brad Elayne Carolyn
OUT
Rupert Donna Mary Which means you now have Colton.
Marissa Rachel JoanneCandice Ron Kevin/Matt
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