Survivor Update: Mess with the bull, deal with the horns.

Buenos Dios!  I was going to do this entire update in Spanish, but since they didn't ask where the library was last week I'm kinda out of Spanish.

So where were we.....John was blindsided and sent off to 3-way island,  joining his hot little bundle of angry wife and Marissa.  Let's hope Marissa's one special item was earplugs.  And hey, do they still get one item?  Haven't heard that in a while and it appears to me they get to bring a whole suitcase of stuff these days. 

Brad's all happy with his hoodwinking.  "I hooked him from Day 1! "  Tells everyone that they need to start thinking about getting rid of people without loved ones on the other tribe so they can somehow magically increase their numbers at merge time.  Caleb is all, "well I'm fucked". 

Tri-duel time!  Candace, Marissa and John are in the Coliseum.  But first! A little more Candace venom spewed at Brad.  "I'm PISSSSSSSSED......II'd rather have BRAAAAAAD here." and then, so predictably, she turns her head and spit green vomit. 

Monica: "Why is everyone hating on my maaaan?" 

Brad: "Have I shushed any women?" 

John: "Never shushed me and I'm a total ball-less abused husband"

Candace: "AAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYY"

Seriously, this woman with pms?  There's those elusive WMDs George Bush was looking for. 

Finally, Jeff grows a pair and we proceed with the ladder climb-puzzle challenge.  Jeff:"It's a real hard puzzle.....it's gonna take you a loooong time to get it......shit, I still haven't completed it in my air  conditioned trailer".  "It's a square puzzle....and and and it has a logo on top.....and it's square....." 

 Bottom line, John and then Candace win!  YAY!  More sex time!! 

Candace, after blaming  Brad for calling all the shots in their marriage bellows to John  "LETS GIVE THE CLUE TO MONICA".  Yes, Dear.  Brad tells Monica to put the clue in the fire, put the clue in the fire, put the clue in the fire.  Monica puts the clue in the fire.  Candace "JUUUUUST DOING WHAT SHE'S TOLD.  NOW GET ME SOME FISH, JOHN, I'M HUNGRY DAMMIT". 

Back at the celebrity ranch, Monica is upset.  "I'm sure Brad's just trying to provide firewood and comfort for your loved ones..."  You can almost hear the eye rolling at that one. Gervase: "Um, perhaps you don't really know Survivor Brad". 

Brad thinks everyone's hating on him!  I'm a target!  Caleb, Hayden and Vytus are rethinking that whole manly man alliance thing. 

Tyson is still resting his arm.  Well, in between running the coconut shell game with Gervase.  They steal the coconuts, crack them open a little bit and drink the juice.  The women think crabs are getting to them.  LOL.  "Operation Coconut". 

Challenge: Immunity and a choice of coffee/tea and sweets or fishing gear.  Paddle out, swim down and get big squares, paddle back, form stairs, do a puzzle, get a combination, get a key, lift the damn flag.  Tyson stays in and 2 women sit out. 

The loved ones lose their boxes in the water and the yellow team pulls ahead.  Yellow is first to get their staircase done.  And now we have us a mother-fucking puzzle off!  Once again Laura goes against the clueless Ciera, who apparently couldn't figure out that round birth control puzzle thing back in high school.  Celebs finish the puzzle, and raise their flag first.  WHO DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!

Hayden: " We just lost to a dude with one arm and 3 moms". 

Back at camp, the men go "get water" while the women "make rice" which apparently is code for discuss their votes.  Brad hangs back and tells Ciera and Katie they should all vote out Caleb.  Ciera is like suuuuuure. 

Meanwhile the men are waiting for Brad to show up.  They all want Ciera.  Brad finally shows up and tells them I've convinced the girls it's Caleb".  Caleb is all, "Say whaaaat??" 

Tribal:

Brad-no, this isn't what I was expecting on Survivor.  I thought my wife was just being a pussy about it all.  We've lost twice by Ciera and her puzzles.

Ciera-ok ,so I suck at puzzles.  I don't bitch about it at camp.

Brad-why are y'all airing dirty laundry at redemption, making crap up and telling the other tribe? Voting out people without loved ones on the other side would make my life easier at the Coliseum

Caleb-Hmmmmm, you talking about me??

Brad-Nooo, I wasn't talking about you specifically....I've never "campaigned" against anyone...that's a bad word.....

Hayden pops back up to show  he's relevant.  "Trust is hard to get back once you lose it". Thank you, Confucius.

Caleb-says something and then says "I'm just telling y'all I'm voting for Brad". 

Everyone-"Say WHAAAAT???" 

Hayden and Vytus are all "Daaaaaamn.  Who knew the little gay farmer had it in him?????"

Ciera- OMG!!! 

Brad-"I'm not writing your name down Caleb..."

Time to vote!  It's a tie-3 for Brad, 3 for Ciera.  Revote.......And as Brad heads off to join John and Candace in the nastiest 3 way EVAH, my chances for FINALLY winning this damn pool take yet another circle around the drain.