Yo! Whew, glad to be back. Last week's update was canceled due to the gubermint shut down but fortunately SOMEONE realized these updates were ESSENTIAL to the functioning of America.
2 weeks ago: Colton was a dick, the immunity challenge was skeeball and Rachel was voted out because the manly men believed Tyson could be enticed to take her place and come back into the game on the losers side.
So, last week we get to meet Tyson's cupcake belt. "Who wants a lick?" Um, yea. NO ONE.
Lady parts Colton was bitching that no one wants to talk strategy. Aras tells him, yea, you're in trouble. He thinks Colton only likes the game when he is causing problems.
And now to the 3-way, which is called a duel.
And just so we are all clear:
du·el
[doo-uh
l, dyoo-] Show IPA noun, verb, du·eled, du·el·ing or ( especially British ) du·elled, du·el·ling.
l, dyoo-] Show IPA noun, verb, du·eled, du·el·ing or ( especially British ) du·elled, du·el·ling.
noun
1.
a prearranged combat between two persons, fought with deadly weapons according to an accepted code of procedure, especially to settle a private quarrel.
2.any contest between two persons or parties.
Tonight's threeway is between Candace, Marissa and Rachel. Tyson "they probably voted for her thinking I would change places with her". Rachel "you have a better chance than me BABY". Tyson decides not to switch and a big fight breaks out between Brad CulP, Tyson and apparently Marissa wants a little of it. Colton starts to fucking cry.
Jeff: "Colton, what's your fucking lady parts problem?"
Colton : "I don't want to be here"
Jeff: "Well, I'd prefer to be at the Pottstown Motel 6 but Mark Burnett owns both of our asses. Mine however only literally"
Colton: "I thought I was gonna get to have sex with my farmer fiance in an exotic location"
Jeff: "Sorry Colton. So do you want to stay or quit AGAIN, because I can now tell the world that you TOTALLY FAKED THAT APPENDIX"
Colton" Did not. I was treated for a bacterial infection known as syphilis"
Jeff: "Tina, you want a piece of this?"
Tina: "Hell yes! I starved on season 2 to make this a hit show so pansies like Colton could come back and EAT RICE ALL DAMN DAY." "He's pissed that he can't control the game. Well that and the Caleb sex thing".
Jeff: "Is Tina right? You're just a dick who should have stuck to your synthetic leather couch from Ikea?"
Colton: "But Jeff, everybody knows if I don't get my Caleb sex every day I become mean. I told the producers that".
Caleb: "Yo bitch, don't be blaming me."
Booooohooooooooooooooooooo Lemme it on Caleb's lap before I goooooooooooooooooooooo.
Ok. So maybe I embellished that a little. Anywho, Colton is back to redneck Alabama or wherever he hides out. Keep your buff ya damn quitter.
Sooo, who wants to play a little dominoes? Bottom line....Rachel is out. Candace gives John the second clue to the immunity idol. Which NO ONE ELSE ON EITHER TEAM has tried to find with out a clue.
Brad thinks he is in charge but thinks everyone else thinks they are in charge. Delusion can be caused by head injuries I hear. He has a bit bad ass target shaped tattoo on his back. And since he is my player he better get kicked out while there are still alternates, dammit.
John has the clue but can't find it. He finally shares it with Brad but tells Brad that they shouldn't be seen both looking for it. Brad gets suspicious. Does John not trust me? Do I trust John to be my wingman??
Immunity Challenge: It's a sumo wrestling pillow fight. Or as Aras likes to call it, a bully grudge match. Aras is still apparently in therapy for the bullying his brother gave him as a child. He's apparently blown through his first winning million dollars on the couch and now needs more money to figure out why his brother was a bully. Or as I liked to call it, a big brother.
Here's the deal:
Gervase and Brad grudge match. Brad wins
Laura and Katie, Laura wins
John and Aras, John wins
Hayden and Tyson-Hayden wins immediately because Tyson dislocates his shoulder.
Tina kicks her daughter Katie's ASS
Aras realizes his dream and kicks Vytas's ass.
Cierra gets her ass kicked by her mom, who has a little crying fit first.
The mini celebs win immunity and more comfort.
Back at loser camp, the mens quickly decide which of the women they are getting rid of. Cierra. But then because this episode still has 20 minutes left, Brad has to be a total DICK, risking my pool win, and he decides it's time to blindside John. John's strong, plus if his wife comes back into the game, they will team back up and I'll lose my "guy", so he has to go. He talks the men into it and then they talk to the girls who are like, SUUUUUUURE. The only catch is Brad has this scheme that HE won't actually vote for John, so that if he comes back into the game he can still be buddies with him.
Yea, even the women realize what sleeze this is. MAYBE WE SHOULD GET RID OF BRAD INSTEAD???
Tribal:
John: Yes, the men are the strong people on the tribe, Jeff.
Katie: Yes, I am aware that I suck it and have lost twice to my freaking mom. I need now to win for the therapy money
Cierra: Yes, I let the team down because I weigh 90 lbs already
Caleb: MALES DOMINATE. LOLOL. (He really did say that)
Vytas: Yes there is a male alliance BUT it's not quite rudimentary. (He learned the big words in rehab). Trust still comes into play.
Brad: The idol could be used against you. I'm glad I don't have it but my wing man might. Oh and I'm not the kingpin. No sireeeee
Hayden: No one has shared the clue with me.
Brad: We can't always tell the truth in this game!
Time to tally
Vote: Cierra 1, John 4. Enjoy the Rapture Island sex!
Tonight's threeway is between Candace, Marissa and Rachel. Tyson "they probably voted for her thinking I would change places with her". Rachel "you have a better chance than me BABY". Tyson decides not to switch and a big fight breaks out between Brad CulP, Tyson and apparently Marissa wants a little of it. Colton starts to fucking cry.
Jeff: "Colton, what's your fucking lady parts problem?"
Colton : "I don't want to be here"
Jeff: "Well, I'd prefer to be at the Pottstown Motel 6 but Mark Burnett owns both of our asses. Mine however only literally"
Colton: "I thought I was gonna get to have sex with my farmer fiance in an exotic location"
Jeff: "Sorry Colton. So do you want to stay or quit AGAIN, because I can now tell the world that you TOTALLY FAKED THAT APPENDIX"
Colton" Did not. I was treated for a bacterial infection known as syphilis"
Jeff: "Tina, you want a piece of this?"
Tina: "Hell yes! I starved on season 2 to make this a hit show so pansies like Colton could come back and EAT RICE ALL DAMN DAY." "He's pissed that he can't control the game. Well that and the Caleb sex thing".
Jeff: "Is Tina right? You're just a dick who should have stuck to your synthetic leather couch from Ikea?"
Colton: "But Jeff, everybody knows if I don't get my Caleb sex every day I become mean. I told the producers that".
Caleb: "Yo bitch, don't be blaming me."
Booooohooooooooooooooooooo Lemme it on Caleb's lap before I goooooooooooooooooooooo.
Ok. So maybe I embellished that a little. Anywho, Colton is back to redneck Alabama or wherever he hides out. Keep your buff ya damn quitter.
Sooo, who wants to play a little dominoes? Bottom line....Rachel is out. Candace gives John the second clue to the immunity idol. Which NO ONE ELSE ON EITHER TEAM has tried to find with out a clue.
Brad thinks he is in charge but thinks everyone else thinks they are in charge. Delusion can be caused by head injuries I hear. He has a bit bad ass target shaped tattoo on his back. And since he is my player he better get kicked out while there are still alternates, dammit.
John has the clue but can't find it. He finally shares it with Brad but tells Brad that they shouldn't be seen both looking for it. Brad gets suspicious. Does John not trust me? Do I trust John to be my wingman??
Immunity Challenge: It's a sumo wrestling pillow fight. Or as Aras likes to call it, a bully grudge match. Aras is still apparently in therapy for the bullying his brother gave him as a child. He's apparently blown through his first winning million dollars on the couch and now needs more money to figure out why his brother was a bully. Or as I liked to call it, a big brother.
Here's the deal:
Gervase and Brad grudge match. Brad wins
Laura and Katie, Laura wins
John and Aras, John wins
Hayden and Tyson-Hayden wins immediately because Tyson dislocates his shoulder.
Tina kicks her daughter Katie's ASS
Aras realizes his dream and kicks Vytas's ass.
Cierra gets her ass kicked by her mom, who has a little crying fit first.
The mini celebs win immunity and more comfort.
Back at loser camp, the mens quickly decide which of the women they are getting rid of. Cierra. But then because this episode still has 20 minutes left, Brad has to be a total DICK, risking my pool win, and he decides it's time to blindside John. John's strong, plus if his wife comes back into the game, they will team back up and I'll lose my "guy", so he has to go. He talks the men into it and then they talk to the girls who are like, SUUUUUUURE. The only catch is Brad has this scheme that HE won't actually vote for John, so that if he comes back into the game he can still be buddies with him.
Yea, even the women realize what sleeze this is. MAYBE WE SHOULD GET RID OF BRAD INSTEAD???
Tribal:
John: Yes, the men are the strong people on the tribe, Jeff.
Katie: Yes, I am aware that I suck it and have lost twice to my freaking mom. I need now to win for the therapy money
Cierra: Yes, I let the team down because I weigh 90 lbs already
Caleb: MALES DOMINATE. LOLOL. (He really did say that)
Vytas: Yes there is a male alliance BUT it's not quite rudimentary. (He learned the big words in rehab). Trust still comes into play.
Brad: The idol could be used against you. I'm glad I don't have it but my wing man might. Oh and I'm not the kingpin. No sireeeee
Hayden: No one has shared the clue with me.
Brad: We can't always tell the truth in this game!
Time to tally
Vote: Cierra 1, John 4. Enjoy the Rapture Island sex!
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