Survivor: Bye Bye Bigot

Ahhhhhhh.  Gone, gone, gone.  But we'll get there....

After almost getting voted off, Baylor says she's "finally waking up".  Always a good plan on Survivor.  JR wants to know who flipped on their vote?  Josh admits he did because he figured out Baylor was in trouble.  He's losing trust in JR.  

The blue tribe is awaiting a massive rainstorm.  They decide they need an actual roof, so they all get cracking weaving palm leaves (neatly stacked by the electronic fence by the production crew...)  Well, almost all.  Drew decides he isn't a weaver and takes a nap, snoring loudly.  Dale admits he's wup him if he were his son, because they still do that down south.  Natalie is getting all feisty this episode and she rants and rants about Drew.  Even Jeremy is getting into the anti-Drew camp.  

Challenge-Val was voted out. Jeremy is pissed.  He says "y'all need to step it up and stop letting the men over there run the game".  JR explains that he gave Jeremy his word that he'd help Val and he couldn't pull it off.  Josh is like WTF?????  

The challenge is another balance thing, this time on a moving beam while they transfer flat squares.  Wanna know?  It's the Jeff Probst collection of pillows and blankets, available at TARGET.  Or, you can chose the fishing gear from last week.  Yellow decides Keith probably isn't gonna do that well so Keith and Wes go head to head.  Oh, and rock breaks scissors apparently.  

After about 10 minutes of Jeff blathering about fathers and sons, and how the father is getting old (he's fucking my age douchebag) and the son is now ready to step into the dad pants and take over or some such crap.  Except, Jeff, this kid has some strange genetic mutation going on.  

Anyway.  Keith falls once, Wes pulls ahead and wins.  Keith gets all emotional and Jeff jumps on that.  Wes, is he like this at home?  Wes gets all emotional and says, "no, most of the time he's wupping me with a fence post".  They do the bro hug/back slapping thang.  

He sends gay Josh to partay with his father.  Personally I think it's a prelude to Wes coming out........as a broadway dancer.  

Jeremy is pissed at JR.  Julie goes off to cry.  "Y'all don't know John Rocker is!  He's a racist, bigoted ahole."  Natalie wants Julie out.  Julie is all upset about JR now having a target on his back.  The tribe Mom tells her she has to play her game not JR's.  She probably also told her about her 3 divorces and strongly suggested she GET THE HELL OUT NOW.  

And a strange clip of a bird getting knocked over by a wave.  

Over at Exile, it's BARREN AND FULL OF ROCKS.  Actually, I am going to only call it BARREN AND ROCKLESS ISLAND.  They are sharing the clue and both realize that JR and Jeremy might both have idols.  They find some snails to eat and the 2 get along surprisingly well.  "Josh is a good ol boy.  But he's not MY good ol boy.  There ain't gonna be no spooning going on.  We don't have many Josh's in Louisiana".  

JR gets on providing fish to prove his worth. Baylor is scrambling and trying to pull the young guys over to her side to get JR out.  Alec says Baylor is just trying to crawl out of last place.  

Challenge.  It is apparently brought to you by Kinex.  It's this maze thing of bamboo that, in pairs, they have to climb over/under and retrieve a basketball and then sink a basket.  

Jon and Natalie vs Josh and Baylor.  Both miss but finally Jon makes it.

Wes and Alec vs Missy and Julie.  Alec hits Julie intentionally.  Wes makes the shot

Drew and Reed vs JR and Jaclyn.  JR takes a shot at Reed but gets the basket.

Josh and Baylor vs Jeremy and Kelly.  Baylor misses, Jeremy makes the shot for a 2-2 tie.

It all comes down to Wes/Alec and Jon/Natalie.  Wes takes a shot at Natalie, then they both miss.  Jon makes the shot and the yellow tribe wins their 3rd immunity challenge.  Natalie goes full blown twinnie, yelling at JR, calling him a bigot and a racist.  "Classy Natalie".  Julie: they're saying he's a racist because of the Sports Illustrated article.  Dale says they all stand behind him.  JR yells at Natalie "If you were a man I'd knock your teeth down your throat".  Yea, uncool.  Even his GF is trying to get him to shut up.  He says, "let's take the Kinex down and fight".  

Hmmm, Josh thinks maybe JR isn't playing his best game.....

Baylor thinks she's in trouble.  She has no respect for JR.  He's all "Natalie called me a homophobe yet I'm tight with a gay guy" in that classic "some of my best friends are gay/black/whatever" excuse.  JR tries to talk the girls into getting rid of Dale, even though he's gunning for Baylor.  The girls aren't really interested in Dale.  

Josh doesn't think JR is being honest.  JR told him he has an idol but he didn't volunteer that earlier.  Wes and Josh talk, Josh tells him about the idol.  We need to blindside him.  They decide to get Alec in with them and Baylor to blindside JR.  Alec thinks JR is a big asset in the challenges.  Wes tells him JR can't know because he has an idol.  

Tribal

JR-is there fallout with Jeremy?  I promised I'd help Val but she bluffed about her idols and I couldn't save her.  

Wes-I'm not too happy about that secret agreement

Alec-Man, that Natalie was all over JR! 

JR-No idea why, it's not like I'm the leader or anything!

Jaclyn-they were all gunning for me and Baylor to get rid of JR.  It makes me feel like a target if we go into the merge.  However, I feel like there is some shifting in alliances going on...

Wes-is there a big shift happening?  I'm not worried.

Josh-You worried?  Not really but people are being told different things...

Baylor-the most important thing we need to do is GET THE DARK CLOUD OFF OF US.  

Vote.  Anyone wanna play an idol?  Nope. 

Baylor 2....JR 4 votes.  Ahhhhhhhh.  All the best jackasses leave with an idol in their pocket.  

Total blindside.  "Well Played".  Sorry Sellman, you will not be the lucky bastard this season!  

Survivor Week 2: How Many Idols??

So bang, right off the bat, Baylor is pissed at Josh for voting for her.  He convinces her that "there is a method to my madness", and that he's trying to hide their alliance.  

Over at the blue tribe, they've lost another flint.  Personally I was willing to blame the monkeys (although I am 100% sure there is an electric fence actually keeping any wild life out of camp) but Jon admits he was the last to use it, throws himself on his sword and  sucks it up like a man.  

Aaaand, right into the challenge.  Nadya is missing and Jeff has to probe that raw nerve over and over until he gets Natalie to cry.  And she apparently never cries.  

Challenge: One person from the tribe goes against their loved one to balance a bar while navigating an "obstacle course", then they get to play skeeball.  Now, knowing if you win you get to send your loved one to Exile, or if you lose you get to go, WHY WOULD ANYONE VOLUNTEER TO DO THESE CHALLENGES???  Wanna know what you win?  Cabelos Bargain Cave of fishing equipment!  Rock, paper, scissors.  Paper covers scissors.  One day I will understand this.  They must have taught it in boys gym not girls.  

John Rocker (JR) goes up against his full breasted "long term no commitment girlfriend".  Who is a dead ringer for a cheaper version of Angelina Jolie.  Or maybe they get the same lip injections.  JR is a neck cracker.  As was an old douchebag boyfriend of mine.  So, yea, I totally hate him.  

Julie totally kicks his ass.  He repeatedly drops the ball and we begin to see the oh so predictable steroid induced temper tantrums.  She wins, and is happy because "he always wins at physical  challenges, including date rape".  He's upset because "I got beat by a girl".  JULIE, HONEY, THERE IS STILL TIME FOR YOU TO GET OUTTA THIS RELATIONSHIP.

She decides to send Jeremy to Exile with JR.  So the blue tribe wins the fishing gear.  "Um, Jeff, we have a problem and have a little deal to make you.  We lost our flint and would like to trade a half (or almost full) a bag of beans for new flint".  Oooh, we get to see the ANGRY JEFF.  "You want to KEEP all of the fishing gear, AND GET FLINT, for a shitty bag of beans?  "  He explains he doesn't need to make a deal, and reams them for waiting until AFTER they won the fishing gear to make the deal, instead of coming in from the start and admitting it, THEN trading the only thing they had.  He's PISSED that they waited until they won the fishing gear to propose the deal.  Hey, Jeff, it is SURVIVOR.....  He wants them to trade all the fishing gear for flint, and tells them, like any good Asians selling purses on the street, "you come back, price go up"  After hemming and hawing they decide to take the flint.  

Natalie is back at camp and crying.  All of the girls comfort.  Now we get to see if both sisters are annoying bitches or it was just Nadya all along.  

Yellow:

Dale and the other guys figure out who John Rocker is.  Dale remembers most of the story of racist and bigoted comments coming out of the Sports Illustrated interview.  Josh considers whether he might have changed, but also thinks someone like that is great to take with you because he is gonna be hated.  

Oh Exile, Jeremy knows who John Rocker is.  I guess it would be like all women recognizing Tanya Harding??  And NOTE TO MARK BURNETT- WHAT IS TANYA DOING NEXT SEASON???  He's upset because there are no coconuts.  It's ok, you're apparently only going to be there for about 20 minutes.  They find the urns.  JRs is empty but Jeremy shares his clue with him with the caveat that he use it to protect Val and he will protect Julie.  

Immunity Challenge.  In comes JR and Jeremy.  It's a water challenge!  God, I remember when every challenge started with "swim out and get X".  They rarely use the water anymore!  It's a sumo wrestling challenge on a floating platform.  

First up, Jaclyn takes on Kelley.  Jac has to first adjust her breast implants.  Like in a major way.  She kick Kelley's butt.

Then the brothers go head to head.  It's kind of a grudge match.  Drew wins.

Jeremy loses to the strange little cabbage patch kid, Wes.

Natalie kicks Val's ass.  Literally.  That girl can fight.

JR, who is looking fat to me, loses to Jon.  His nose is bleeding and when asked about it he shouts a strange profanity word. 

Then it's the mother and daughter pair, Missy and Baylor.  They're all determined to have it out, picturing each other as their least favorite of the ex husbands.  Jeff apparently likes to watch mothers and daughters get down and dirty fighting.  First second of contact and Missy splits Baylor's lip.  It freaks Missy out, watching Baylor cry and she loses her drive,  Baylor for the win.

Josh goes up against Reed.  "Go Josh" "It's Reed that's on our tribe..."  LOL!  Reed kicks butt, and they enjoy it way too much.  

Keith against Dale, Dale wins

And it comes down to Dale's daughter Kelley vs boob woman, Jaclyn.  Dale is upset because it is also his daughter's birthday but he doesn't want to lose.  He chooses not to watch.  Kelley wins and the blue tribe yet again wins immunity!  

Yellow:

Val decides it's "time to make big moves".  ahhhh, that always ends well.....  Dale walks up to Jaclyn and they have a good natured "I currently hate your daughter but I'll get over it".  

Val and JR take a walk together.  He tells her that Jeremy got the clue and shared it with him.  She asks "Did you find the other idol hidden on Exile?  Because I got that one AND the one from here."  JR goes looking for the idol and finds it but doesn't question the fact that Val lied to him.  THERE IS NEVER AN IDOL HIDDEN AT CAMP UNTIL ONE IS USED PEOPLE.  He then talks to Josh and Wes, tells them about the idol she has and says they should split the vote 3 for Val and 3 for Baylor.  He's trying to save Val so Jeremy will keep his GF safe.  Val also announces to JR and Jaclyn that she has 2 idols and that she's gonna use them to save herself and Jaclyn.  I still don't understand this reasoning.  

Josh is suspicious because he's seen JR and Val walking out together and that has never happened.  Wes thinks the idol needs to be flushed out.  

JR then tells Val the plan, telling her she has GOT to play her  idol.  Val doesn't say anything about the fact that she doesn't have an idol (BTW, what the hell does Dale have??)  She decides that she and Jaclyn will just swing their votes to Baylor, who will go down 5-3.  

Josh decides to make a move: “Tonight what it ends up coming down to is what do I think is going to get me to the top.”

Tribal:

I love it when Jeff acts all pissed that they're losers again.  

Dale: You are 0-4.  Yes, Jeff we have not made good strategic decisions.  Almost every time we put loved ones together, for reasons other than strategy, they lost.

Alex:  I just wanted a chance to revenge my Teddy Bear that Drew buried in the back yard when we were 4.  He laments that they go with emotion instead of thinking in advance.  

JR:  We're gonna gel....

Jeff:  YOU DON'T HAVE TIME

Josh goes on this really strange loooooong explanation about putting on a Broadway Show, and having time to close down, redo the dance numbers and open again to success.  It's truly bizarre but I think it's about how they need to take a few weeks off at Club Med, and rework a few things.  

Val goes off in full angry black woman gear.  "There are people in camp who try to play both sides".  She's mad because she doesn't really have many social skills.  She calls out Baylor, 

Jaclyn says, "yea, Baylor flipped after she told me to vote for Dale"

Baylor: Did not

Val: Only the girls would talk to me and YOU TOLD ME TO VOTE FOR DALE

Baylor: WOW

Val: WOW IS RIGHT BITCH

Wes: Val says she has 2 idols, the impact of which is to vote for her and draw the idols out

Val: I'm not nervous......

Time to vote.  Anyone got an idol?  Crickets.  JR makes an exploding head motion

It's Val 4, Baylor 4.  Tied.  They revote KNOWING THERE IS NO IDOL, and Val is toast.  

Jeff:  SOMETHING HAS GOT TO CHANGE.......