Survivor: Farts Matter

How on earth did we get to the point where my favorite player this season is a freaking TWINNIE?  I don't like anyone left.  So, in the lead in Jeff uses the work WRINKLE like 4 times, and then Missy discusses THE LATEST WRINKLE.  Scripted much??  

Jeremy's fate was saved last week by the quitting trail mix minx.  JonJac are taking their morning love stroll and wondering, "are we being deceitful?  They both think we're in their alliance.  But taking out Jeremy is a BIG MOVE.  

Reward Challenge:  They're split into 2 teams and have to like, load a cart thing up with heavy puzzle pieces, push it about 10 feet, unload it and build a temple thing, then unlock a statue, hoist it up and raise a flag.  Yea, I was raising the fucking white flag just listening to all of the parts of this challenge.  Wanna know what you're playing for?  The trademarked SURVIVOR TACO BAR party!  Because nothing feels better on a stomach that's only been eating rice and fish than spicy meat and chicken, with some greasy cheese!  Holy man, better grab me a big handful of leaves and go shit in the woods!  (although you know there are porta poties-you don't go twenty whatever seasons without a massive e coli infection.  I mean these people can't make fire.  You think they can dig clean latrines???)  

I'll spare you the details but Keith, troll-boy Wes, Jeremy, Reed, and Natalie win.  Jon gets sent to Exile Island.  

So basically it's a mix of people on different alliances.  Natalie asks if they should strategize like normal people do or just eat.  Wes goes with "just eat".  Keith keeps telling him to slooooow down and enjoy the food but you can't talk to a dog with a possum in his sights.  

Keith goes on this strange rant about how Julie was their pick last tribal and boy howdie were they scrambling trying to come up with SOMEONE ELSE to vote off and weeeeeehaaaaaa were they glad when tribal got canceled.  LOL!  Jeremy says "At least Keith is trying to play the game.  He sucks but he's trying".  

Wes:  "It was all fun and games until it wasn't".  He walks his bloated self off.  Keith tells us "he's a good buy, he ain't never been arrested or nothing".  Ahhh, so now we know how low the bar is in that family.  

Back at camp, Josh is all tippytoes to line up an alliance with more numbers than his bitter rival, Jeremy has.  He decides to take another heavy handed swipe at Baylor.  "I think you owe me at least one vote for saving you".  Baylor decides to go all righteous and points out that he's a Christian, with a minister father and shouldn't expect payback for doing the right thing.  People, people, people,  SURVIVOR IS NOT A CHRISTIAN GAME, AND IS  NOT FOUND IN REVELATIONS.  Either shut up about Christianity on the show or go full out and have Survivor: Christians and Atheists.  Let's finally DUKE THIS THING OUT.  

So anyway, Baylor tells Josh she hears "people" saying that she's riding Josh's coattails.  Which Josh takes as Missy controlling her and gives up on her.  

He next talks to Jac.  "WE ARE TOTALLY VOTING WITH YOU, THAT'S A FACT".  

On Exile, Jon gets a clue to a new idol hidden on EI.  And then he finds it.  Hmmmmm.  Perhaps the cameramen are like my dog who keeps looking at me, and then at the treat jar, then at me, then at the treat jar.....

Back at camp, boys will be boys.  All the women are complaining about the men being crude and rude around them.  Even Jeremy is complaining about it.  They rush in to eat first, and make the women clean up and take out their trash.  Keith totally rags on Baylor, telling her she's lazy and making her get wood.  Alec tells them "hey, keep that fire going girls.  I know Natalie will but the rest on them? "  Jac, Nat and Baylor sit around complaining.  Jac is upset that they act like they already have her vote and don't have to work for it.  Pssst, honey, when you just hang around making out with your boyfriend no one is gonna think you have any gameplay in you.  

Keith tells the guys he's a little worried about Jac.  Nah, she'll do whatever Jon tells her to do and he's with us manly men.  

Immunity Challenge.  It's the remember a sequence of tiles thing.  Jon is out almost immediately because I guess he hasn't eaten in 2 days.  Keith, Wes, a bunch of them get out.  Like, they're not even confused about the ORDER of the symbols, they're holding up symbols THAT AREN'T EVEN BEING USED.  LOL!  It comes down, as all good well scripted dramas do, between Josh and Jeremy, and Jeremy wins immunity.  

Jeremy knows it's all about JonJac.  Josh and company are going for Baylor.  Jac tells Jon that she doesn't like the boys anymore because they were rude to her, several of them were still farting up the taco buffet, and they don't really even talk to her or treat her like they are in an alliance when he's not around.  On the one hand she's right but on the other she is so into hanging with Jon that SHE HERSELF NEVER INTERACTS WITH THE PEOPLE IN HER "ALLIANCE".   Babe, YOU AIN'T WINNING A MILLION DOLLARS.  Let me break it to you.  She also points out that they are much stronger and will win challenges, while they can totally take Baylor and Missy.  

Reed walks up and basically ignores Jac and tells them to vote for Baylor.  Goes on about how much he's missed Jon.  It's kind of awkward.  

Missy tells Keith that he's basically Jon's bitch.  He tells her Baylor is going home next.  Says she's lazy and Missy overcompensates for her and does her work.  They go back and forth about who's the worst parent.  

Jac is still holding pouting and working on Jon.  

Tribal

Jeremy: Yes, genius, I needed immunity

Josh: Whaaaa, I needed it too

Jac: John and me are swing votes.  We've also been so dumb'd down from these hicks we've lost basic grammar

Nat says something about being protective over her original tribe, which I assume means Jon.  She also points out that around camp the guys treated Jac like crap

Jac jumps on that and is PISSED.  They disrespected me, and me and Jon talk and decide things together.  

Missy goes further saying it's like a frat house with the belching, farting and spitting.

Keith says he hasn't heard Wes fart in a bit.  LOL.  Everyone here has gas!  It ain't the Hilton!

Reed says that he's been polite.  He tries to work on JonJac saying the singles will try to pull them apart by voting one of them off.  

Jon says something about abrupt changes being scary.  Or whatever.  

Vote.  

Baylor 5, Josh 6.  Josh, it's time to take your final bow.  

SURVIVOR: Dried Fruit and Nuts

So, we come to the merge!  When apparently the REAL GAMES begin.  But first, a little drama with Keith being upset that he got votes along with Dale.  Missy tells Keith he did it to protect her daughter.  He's done with them, DONE I SAY.  

As an aside, did you know Keith is 53?  Life in the south really is harder.  And is it me or is this a boring season so far?  I mean, the only drama is between a black dude and a white NYC dancer.  And most of that is just bitching about each other behind the camera.  I'm afraid someone's gonna bust out some West Side Story songs any minute!  

Ok, it's MERGE TIME.  They have to take all their gear and hike up to a nice little picnic while the crew cleans up the camps.  Josh and Reed bitch about not getting Jeremy off first. Oh, I mean not VOTING Jeremy off first.  Meanwhile, Jeremy says Josh and Reed are running the show and he wants to CRUSH them.  

Jon and Jac are thrilled for the merge because "no one dates people who don't make the merge.  So now we can keep dating"!  Yay!!!  Awww. their hobbies are both "learning about wine".  How adorable.  Here's all you need to know. Open bottle, fill glass and drink.  There's red, white and crappy pink shit.  It's a beverage people, no need to over think it.  They both talk and decide to "keep their options open" after the merge.  

So, now we will here more drivel about the SIGNIFICANCE OF HAVING OR NOT HAVING YOUR LOVED ONE WITH YOU.  Hey, does anyone know if Jeff still has that crappy talk show?  

And there's food. Question: Was trading everything for that rice wise?  Julie is sad that JR isn't there and she has to watch the other loved ones be loved ones.  Julie, honey, use the time apart to re-evaluate this relationship!  I mean, you're 34.  You've already got the fake boobs and the injected lips.  Do you really want to be known as still a long term girlfriend

 who clearly just had another skin peel?  Think about it, you're personal claim to fame is "creating my company True Glow Spray Tan."  I mean, you didn't even invent the spray tan!  

So it's back to Coyopa beach.  They name the new tribe Hoyopa.  LOL.  Here's HOYOPING this season gets better!  

Jeremy is scrambling.  He has Natalie and Julie but needs to pull in 2 couples.  He talks to Jon.  "Josh is running everything.  Join us and bring Baylor and the divorcee".  

Josh thinks Jeremy is scrambling and he tells Reed they need to get the numbers before he does.  He "reminds" Baylor that he saved her life.  She tells him she'll talk to her momma and get back to him.  Missy isn't going along.  Says, I already hooked up with the single people.  LOL- of COURSE SHE DID.  Baylor feels bad and wants to tell Josh but Mom is like, SUCK IT UP.  

Josh tries working Jon/Jac.  They're in the middle again.  He tells them, "who's going to give 2 Broadway STARS a million dollars?  Jon/Jac think that because they are Broadway stars they may fuck it up.  But they do see the benefit of being with the couples.  You're guaranteed Top 5 and 6.  

Aaaaaaaaaand now the TRAIL MIX caper.  Julie, who has been much photographed laying in the sun (missing that spray tan, arentcha girlfriend) tonight, pocketed some trail mix at the merge partay and the hungry hoards are sniffing around for it.  While she's out eating a dried apricot, they decide to do a bag search (is that unethical??) and they find, steal and eat her stash.  "Selfish  bitch".  "Why does she think she's better than us??"  "Air of entitlement".  WOW!  

Immunity Challenge.  It's actually hard.  Balance a ball on a disk held with 2 ropes.  Balance for 10 minutes, then a longer rope, then another 10 minutes and a second ball is added.  OH AND THE WIND!  OMG THE WIND!  Jeff talks about the WIND for the next 10 minutes.  Hey a belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Jeff!  He turned THE SANE AGE AS KEITH on Nov 4.  Here's another interesting tidbit-he has a net worth of $40 million.  This world is fucked up.  He makes $4 million a year doing 40 days in the jungle basically.  

Jeremy is out very fast.  As is Missy and Julie.  Second round, Reed, Baylor, Alec, Jac and Natalie are out. In the final round, Josh then Jon are out leaving it a father-son competition.  Dad wins!  He still has some juice at the age of 53!  

Jeremy is pissed off at being first out.  "I was out before even JULIE!"  But at least we have the numbers.  

Alec says something snarky about the trail mix and Julie is upset.  She talks to Momma Bear, tells her "my head isn't in the game" -as if that was ever a possibility.  Missy asks her to not quit tonight because they need the numbers, which only makes Julie more upset.  "They are using me...."

Jon says he's done a 180 on the alliance. I guess he can't associate with someone who pockets trail mix.  LOL-dude, you're a financial analyst, you hang around worse criminals every damn day!!  

Hey, WHERE IS JULIE AND HER BAG????  Well, she's talking to Jeff.  "It's SOOOO HAAAAAARD".  " I can't stand being alllloooooooone.  I've had a boyfriend since 3rd grade.  JR and I have been together for 3 yeeeeeaaaaars.  We haven't been apart for more than 4 daaaaaays.  Jeff points out that kids go to summer camp for longer than Survivor.  LOL!!  "I think I'm out.  I'm judged constantly about being vain (check), about my boobs being too big (check and check).  I can't stay just because they need my vote, I can't compromise....something.  Whatever.  Frankly I think she's afraid JR is off bonking the hell out of everything that moves without her there to watch him.  

She quits.  And at camp.....Jeff arrives.  Which is never good.  I have bad news.  Julie is out.  Jeremy shits himself.  "Some of you look sad and some happy"  

Josh: It's a complicated game

Jeremy : it's ridiculous for her to quit

Alec: She had it hard

Jac: She dug herself a hole by stealing food.  Food is HUGE

Jon: She had to face the fact that she is selfish.

The good news?  No one is going home tonight...... DAMMIT!!!