Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Survivor: Farts Matter

How on earth did we get to the point where my favorite player this season is a freaking TWINNIE?  I don't like anyone left.  So, in the lead in Jeff uses the work WRINKLE like 4 times, and then Missy discusses THE LATEST WRINKLE.  Scripted much??  

Jeremy's fate was saved last week by the quitting trail mix minx.  JonJac are taking their morning love stroll and wondering, "are we being deceitful?  They both think we're in their alliance.  But taking out Jeremy is a BIG MOVE.  

Reward Challenge:  They're split into 2 teams and have to like, load a cart thing up with heavy puzzle pieces, push it about 10 feet, unload it and build a temple thing, then unlock a statue, hoist it up and raise a flag.  Yea, I was raising the fucking white flag just listening to all of the parts of this challenge.  Wanna know what you're playing for?  The trademarked SURVIVOR TACO BAR party!  Because nothing feels better on a stomach that's only been eating rice and fish than spicy meat and chicken, with some greasy cheese!  Holy man, better grab me a big handful of leaves and go shit in the woods!  (although you know there are porta poties-you don't go twenty whatever seasons without a massive e coli infection.  I mean these people can't make fire.  You think they can dig clean latrines???)  

I'll spare you the details but Keith, troll-boy Wes, Jeremy, Reed, and Natalie win.  Jon gets sent to Exile Island.  

So basically it's a mix of people on different alliances.  Natalie asks if they should strategize like normal people do or just eat.  Wes goes with "just eat".  Keith keeps telling him to slooooow down and enjoy the food but you can't talk to a dog with a possum in his sights.  

Keith goes on this strange rant about how Julie was their pick last tribal and boy howdie were they scrambling trying to come up with SOMEONE ELSE to vote off and weeeeeehaaaaaa were they glad when tribal got canceled.  LOL!  Jeremy says "At least Keith is trying to play the game.  He sucks but he's trying".  

Wes:  "It was all fun and games until it wasn't".  He walks his bloated self off.  Keith tells us "he's a good buy, he ain't never been arrested or nothing".  Ahhh, so now we know how low the bar is in that family.  

Back at camp, Josh is all tippytoes to line up an alliance with more numbers than his bitter rival, Jeremy has.  He decides to take another heavy handed swipe at Baylor.  "I think you owe me at least one vote for saving you".  Baylor decides to go all righteous and points out that he's a Christian, with a minister father and shouldn't expect payback for doing the right thing.  People, people, people,  SURVIVOR IS NOT A CHRISTIAN GAME, AND IS  NOT FOUND IN REVELATIONS.  Either shut up about Christianity on the show or go full out and have Survivor: Christians and Atheists.  Let's finally DUKE THIS THING OUT.  

So anyway, Baylor tells Josh she hears "people" saying that she's riding Josh's coattails.  Which Josh takes as Missy controlling her and gives up on her.  

He next talks to Jac.  "WE ARE TOTALLY VOTING WITH YOU, THAT'S A FACT".  

On Exile, Jon gets a clue to a new idol hidden on EI.  And then he finds it.  Hmmmmm.  Perhaps the cameramen are like my dog who keeps looking at me, and then at the treat jar, then at me, then at the treat jar.....

Back at camp, boys will be boys.  All the women are complaining about the men being crude and rude around them.  Even Jeremy is complaining about it.  They rush in to eat first, and make the women clean up and take out their trash.  Keith totally rags on Baylor, telling her she's lazy and making her get wood.  Alec tells them "hey, keep that fire going girls.  I know Natalie will but the rest on them? "  Jac, Nat and Baylor sit around complaining.  Jac is upset that they act like they already have her vote and don't have to work for it.  Pssst, honey, when you just hang around making out with your boyfriend no one is gonna think you have any gameplay in you.  

Keith tells the guys he's a little worried about Jac.  Nah, she'll do whatever Jon tells her to do and he's with us manly men.  

Immunity Challenge.  It's the remember a sequence of tiles thing.  Jon is out almost immediately because I guess he hasn't eaten in 2 days.  Keith, Wes, a bunch of them get out.  Like, they're not even confused about the ORDER of the symbols, they're holding up symbols THAT AREN'T EVEN BEING USED.  LOL!  It comes down, as all good well scripted dramas do, between Josh and Jeremy, and Jeremy wins immunity.  

Jeremy knows it's all about JonJac.  Josh and company are going for Baylor.  Jac tells Jon that she doesn't like the boys anymore because they were rude to her, several of them were still farting up the taco buffet, and they don't really even talk to her or treat her like they are in an alliance when he's not around.  On the one hand she's right but on the other she is so into hanging with Jon that SHE HERSELF NEVER INTERACTS WITH THE PEOPLE IN HER "ALLIANCE".   Babe, YOU AIN'T WINNING A MILLION DOLLARS.  Let me break it to you.  She also points out that they are much stronger and will win challenges, while they can totally take Baylor and Missy.  

Reed walks up and basically ignores Jac and tells them to vote for Baylor.  Goes on about how much he's missed Jon.  It's kind of awkward.  

Missy tells Keith that he's basically Jon's bitch.  He tells her Baylor is going home next.  Says she's lazy and Missy overcompensates for her and does her work.  They go back and forth about who's the worst parent.  

Jac is still holding pouting and working on Jon.  

Tribal
Jeremy: Yes, genius, I needed immunity
Josh: Whaaaa, I needed it too
Jac: John and me are swing votes.  We've also been so dumb'd down from these hicks we've lost basic grammar
Nat says something about being protective over her original tribe, which I assume means Jon.  She also points out that around camp the guys treated Jac like crap
Jac jumps on that and is PISSED.  They disrespected me, and me and Jon talk and decide things together.  
Missy goes further saying it's like a frat house with the belching, farting and spitting.
Keith says he hasn't heard Wes fart in a bit.  LOL.  Everyone here has gas!  It ain't the Hilton!
Reed says that he's been polite.  He tries to work on JonJac saying the singles will try to pull them apart by voting one of them off.  
Jon says something about abrupt changes being scary.  Or whatever.  

Vote.  
Baylor 5, Josh 6.  Josh, it's time to take your final bow.  


No comments: