Survivor: TWO TIMES!!!

Good afternoon!  And might I point out it's only TUESDAY which means once again I am getting my homework done before the last minute!  LOL.  I'll do anything to keep from cleaning this house.  

So, Jeff has sold his soul to the Brazilian Devil, and her current besties and now has to kiss the asses of not just Abi but SAVAGE and Tasha.  Tasha tells Woo that it should have been Jeff and not PG.  She's still mad at his sweet whisperings at the challenge the other day.  She promises Woo that he isn't going anywhere.  Uhuh.  Maybe she should have checked with the  CRAZY ASS person in her 3 way alliance.  In fact, Abi freaks out just at the sight of Tasha talking to Woo after he WROTE HER NAME DOWN 2 TIMES.  Woo tells Abi he's sorry that he WROTE HER NAME DOWN 2 TIMES and she's all "it's personal now".  Sleep with one eye open and your hands on your balls, Woo!  

On that other show about happy Survivors, Jeremy is happy that he has an idol!  He tells Fish that they have to spend every minute looking for it.  Wants Fish to think he has a black friend in case he is ever running for office.  

Ok, back to the real show.  Savage is sad about how much their camp sucks.  It's a "Survivor Ghetto".  No, Andrew it's what Survivor used to be before everyone because sissy-fied and needed to be fed and provided water.  You don't see those little monkeys pissing and moaning do you?  You'll be back with your pretty wife in less than a month and these poor little monkeys will be eating larva out of each other's fur.  

Tree mail (which doesn't really come in a tree anymore), and apparently there is food in the reward challenge.  

COME ON IN GUYS AND SEE PG IS MISSING.  

This is a hero challenge, meaning one person gets to do the entire challenge and get the credit or the blame.  Have they ever done a hero challenge before??  Anyway,  run into the water, get a bean bag, run back out, use a board to flip the bag up into the net.  Do this 3 times.  Winning tribe gets a BBQ dinner with sausages.  Second place gets a lesser reward, that kind of looked like a wok and tofu to me.  Losing tribe gets nothing.  

Terry, Andrew and Jeremy do the challenge.  It's apparently hard to walk through the water to the platforms.  OOOOH, is that because there are sharks nipping at their heels???  No.  Just sand and water.  Dammit.  

Andrew pulls it out and it's a YUUUUUUUGE win for Ankor.  Which is not Ansor like I thought last week.  Ta Keo takes second place and Bayon comes in the loser.  

The ghetto is having themselves a BBQ tonight!  It's food!!!  And repeatedly saying to each other "WE ARE SOOOOO NOT GOING TO TRIBAL THIS WEEK"!!!

Ok, time for 30 seconds on Ta Keo.  Kass is working her social game this time around, as are most of these assholes. She's cutting the beads off of her bag and Wentworth is watching her, saying how she doesn't trust her because of the whole chaos thing, and how she's making a fake idol.  She walks over to see what she's doing and Kass shoo's her away.  Awwwww, and then Kass makes a little beaded thing and puts it in her little switch tribe box and gives Wentworth a late birthday gift.  

Ok, 30 seconds on Bayon.  Wiggles and Spencer are the 2 odd men out, so to speak.  Spencer decides to throw Wiggles under the bus, telling Monica that "people on the tribe own her".  She points out that they own him too.  Monica doesn't believe his and in fact is more in favor of "girl power" than before.  

Immunity Challenge.  It's the blindfolded, pairs looking for stuff challenge with a caller.  In this case they are looking for giant, heavy 3D PUZZLE PIECES.  So, you know how this always works.  People getting hit, falling down.  Varner drops a big puzzle piece on his little toe.  And I SWEAR Joe could see through his blindfold because he left his partner and just went all around picking up and carrying giant puzzle pieces.  So, everyone gets to the giant square puzzle and.....Ankor is totally clueless and literally leaning on the puzzle napping.  IT'S SODIUM PEOPLE!  THOSE SAUSAGES ARE JUST CHOCK FULL OF SODIUM.  THEY'RE DEADLY!!!  Even Jeff points out it's like they're waiting for everyone else to finish so they can go back home.  And, they come in last.  They are "spent".  Savage gives some "I played football and have never been so exhausted in my life" lameness.  

So, Ankor will be going back to Tribal.  Which is good for me since I have Woo in the pool and would prefer the final alternate, Savage.  I'm yelling at the TV, "Woooooooooo.   Woooooooooo".  Tasha thinks Abi is UNPREDICTABLE.  Oh so apparently that's what we're calling FUCKING CRAZY these days.  Tasha wants Varner to go because he is too much of an influence over Abi.  

Jeff knows it's him or Woo.  He points out repeatedly that he hasn't ever voted for Abi.  Abi tells Woo that Tasha and Savage make her feel comfortable.  He points out that they are using her and she's just a bitch with a grudge since Woo WROTE HER NAME DOWN 2 TIMES.  

Tasha tries to talk to Abi about getting Jeff out and keeping Woo, for challenges.  Especially since Varner is limping around with a broken little toe.  Abi is only interested in the fact that Woo WROTE HER NAME DOWN 2 TIMES.  It's really all about her and Woo not being "loyal" to her.  Jeff tries to work on her by telling her he misses his Abi time.  

Tribal

Varner comes walking in with a little cane.  He's bitching away and I SWEAR one of the producers throws a giant bug at him, hitting him in the temple.  It's pretty hilarious.  

Woo points out that with Varner injured, he's a stronger choice.

Abi says she still hasn't decided who to vote for but points out that Varner is LOYAL to her.

Savage thinks Woo is a stud at challenges which could get them to the merge but then he's flip and be dangerous to Savage and Tasha's old tribe.

Woo says "we are not merging yet!!!"

Andrew says "who knows??"

Varner points out again WOO VOTED FOR ABI TWICE.  He says he's loyal to Savage and Tasha and promises he will never write Abi's name down.  

Abi thinks that's a good pitch.  Basically she wants Woo to kiss her ass.  

Tasha points out they need strength to win, so it's loyalty and physical

Woo says he's willing to kiss any dirty ass put in front of him.  He points out that Varner still has links to the old tribe, bringing up the whispering incident.  

Varner says "one of us has PROVEN loyalty".  He also says, CAN WE FRIGGIN VOTE ALREADY???

They vote.  Woo goes first and the little bitch has to say "make sure you don't vote Abi".  

It's one vote for Woo and 3 for Varner.  Who hugs Abi and calls her "you little bitch".  

Probst, who is contractually obligated to have the last word mumbles some shit about sometimes tribal makes you stronger.

Survivor Wet Ansor.

Ok, I got things to do so let's bang through this!

Spencer is promising to change, Terry is on the TOP OF THE WORLD because he's NAILED that whole social game thing in one episode.  Varner is all thrilled to be without Shirin because "we're now a great close tribe".  Kass is loving the tribe of loooooove she's on.  

So of course, it's DROP YOUR BUFF TIME!  How come none of these skinny bitches is wearing the buff as a tube top when it's time to drop em?  And in an ADDED surprise, there will be 3 tribes, one starting over with nothing.  It's a random draw in adorable little boxes, which PG will probably run around stealing and hiding from Abi.  The 3 tribes RANDOMLY each have 4 people from an original tribe and 2 others.  So obviously the others are toast.  UNLESS......

The new tribe that starts with a B has Monica, Jeremy, Fish and Kimmie with the addition of Spencer and Wiggles.  The Ta whatever tribe has Keith, Kass, Joe and Sierra with the addition of Terry and Wentworth.  The shitty deal tribe, named Ansor (as in you are gonna be wet ansor tonight) has Woo, Varner, PG and Abi, plus Tasha and Savage.

And there are bats.

So immediately Woo and Varner pull their dicks out and find they are shorter than Savages, so they're all against him.  Tasha and Savage scheme about what to promise people to save their asses.  

Basically, all the drama happens on the Ansor tribe this week, so I'm gonna blow through the other tribes fast.

Sierra and Kass are happy, they have the numbers.  Wentworth is throwing Terry under the bus saying he spent a lot of time looking for an idol.  Fish is happy he's not on Camp Macho anymore.  Spencer is going all sensitive side by sharing with Jeremy that he's never said I love you back to his girlfriend, even after sex.  Jeremy's all fur realz?  He thinks now Spencer is a stand up guy because he manages to get sex without giving up the L word.  

Fish is still obsessing with the idol.  He suggests all 4 of them spend all the time looking for it.  Jeremy finds the clue.  

It's raining and the Ansor tribe is all huddled in their non shelter, with Abi sandwiched in the middle.  PG says "you're dry!"  and Abi goes all psycho on her.  "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY PG?????"  And with that, Tasha sees her opening.  She promises the ever flipping Abi that their tribe is strong and they'll pull her in with them.  And frankly, Abi has shit all over her original tribe so why not!

Tasha also talks to Varner about needing them at the merge.  He's not buying it because those 2 at the bottom are running around making everyone promises.  

Challenge.  It's a cart, with an obstacle course, with keys, with trunks and TA DA a big ol puzzle.  Apparently it's from the season with Tasha, Spencer and Kass so ONE OF THEM WILL AGAIN LOSE THIS CHALLENGE.  Blah blah blah, it's a challenge.  Jeremy snags the idol from one of the crates.  The T team comes in first, the B team comes in second and it's back to Ansor for more drama.

And speaking of drama, Varner gets caught whispering something to Wiggles I believe and Tasha goes all WE HAVE A RAT!!!!!  Jeff figures he's pretty  much done after that, although why his original 4 would be upset that he tried to talk to one of his original other partners still doesn't make sense.  Somehow Savage starts promising everyone deals.  Woo and Savage go for water with PG and Savage tells them Varner is scrambling to get one of them out to save his ass.  He wants them to trust him and vote Varner.  Tasha and Abi talk and Abi wants PG gone.  PG and Woo talk to Abi who tells them Tasha and Savage want them to vote for Jeff, and she's voting with them.  PG then wants Abi gone.  Savage and Tasha are like, "how easy was that??"  Varner wakes up from a nap of doom to find out that he's not really on the chopping block anymore as it's a showdown between Abi and PG.  

Tribal:

Savage is still "dude, it was so hard to process that this game has twists and turns in it"

PG says yes, Jeff, in a normal non Abi world Savage and Tasha should be in trouble.  

Varner tells Jeff that Savage and Tasha has been making deals with everyone, which is a surprise to clueless Woo

Varner also explains his meltdown and lack of sleep and sending a message to someone he cares about.  

Tasha says it was cross communication and he should be taken out now.

Varner says apparently people can recover from things.  He says he's heard other names like PG and Abi thrown around.  

Abi says the original 4 are not all together anymore and it could be her.  

PG says she wants to be with people she trusts, and that she's loyal.  Unlike that back stabbing Brazilian who is fucking crazy!

Abi basically says SAME.

Varner says he has no idea what's going to happen because Savage and Tasha are in charge of the vote.  

And with that.....it's time to vote.  

Abi gets 2 votes and PG gets 4.  Woo is totally confused as usual.  But Abi turns to him and says "second time you write my name".  And then red lasers shout out of her eyes burning Woo into a pile of confused flesh.  

The End.  

Survivor Second Chances: Only Week 2???

Good beautiful Monday my fellow Survivor watchers!  Wait, if today is only Monday, why am I getting an update you ask?  Doesn't this bitch usually wait until the last minute on Wednesday?  Indeed.  So enjoy it while you can, I'm buying good will for those times when the dogs are gonna eat my homework.

Holy cow is this season moving at lightening speed?  It's adapt or be killed apparently.  And, do we all LOVE JEFF VARNER???  I gotta say he is my new favorite Survivor, with his ripped man sleeves.  I almost want to go back and see him in his original season, but I gotta say this wine has gotten much better with age.  

So, apparently I was right that Ta Keo never got fire started, which is pure bullshit with the number of old timers on this tribe.  Seriously Probst, NO MORE GIVING OUT FLINT!!!  They immediately got their fire started upon return to camp.  Lots of other things blazing too but we'll get there.  

Kelly Wigglesworth is pretty clueless this time around, I gotta say.  I don't think she has a clue what happened.  She says the old schoolers need to "defend" themselves.  She's amazingly muted going along but is that strategy??  Hmmmmm.  

Kelley with an E finally gets to read her idol note, and is all giddy.  She buries it under about half an inch of weeds, which once again proves to me THAT THERE ARE FENCES AROUND THE CAMPS AND NO ANIMALS GET IN, with the exception of the ones the producers throw over the fence.  GOD I would love to see one of those little monkey things wearing her idol necklace!!  

Spencer can't count obviously.  He thinks the vote randomly happened because they didn't have time to plan.  Let's decide now who goes out.  Jeff strings him along saying he's loyal and they are 5 strong.  Jeff apparently pulled this shenanigans to teach the old schoolers a lesson.  He wants to get rid of Shirin and Spencer, as would anyone who were on the receiving end of all that tactical analysis Shirin have him.  

Jeff talks to Terry-It's a new game.  I wanted you guys to get off of your ass and play.  He assures Terry that he is going with them ultimately.  Terry is like, holy crap that's what a 2x4 upside the head feels like!  Jeff, who did I mention I LOVE, looks around after their talk for the "spy shack".  

Over on Bayon it's just Joe worship.  It's kind of like Magic Mike but better.  He whips a few hammocks out of his magical locks, and uses the fishing net to catch a pork loin roast, 5 chickens and veal parm.  He's the SURVIVOR MAGYVER.

Fish isn't a fan, and it's really hard for me to put my finger on it.  Oh right, BECAUSE FISH IS A TOTAL LOSER.  He thinks Joe should be kept around until merge time and then gotten rid of.  

Spencer asks Abi if she's OK.  She's riding the massive aggressive "OK" thing most husbands on this pool recognize as dangerous as hell.  She turns and goes all crazy on PG who was explaining show to make some kind of fire chimney. It's weird.  Spencer thinks she's a drama queen and a "permanent liability".  She loves to cause fights and walks up to Woo, Terry and Jeff and interrupts their conversation.  Jeff calls her the Brazilian soap opera.  But he is also loving her!  She's the perfect tool.  "She's so delicious who needs food???"

Andrew (Savage) tells the story of meeting his wife, a  beauty queen winner who was touring the world, stopped in to NY to visit his roommate, returned after a trip to San Francisco and married him 3 months later.  "She's my world".  

After telling his story, Jeremy gets upset and walks away because he is missing his wife, Val, who is pregnant.  

Kass says these people are so good and nice perhaps she will also become good and nice.  Yea, don't wait for it.  Fish, in his cluelessness asks if Jeremy is off looking for an idol.  This pisses Savage off because it tells him Fish is playing the game 24/7.  He finds Jeremy on the beach and they do some bro bonding, and discuss Fish and where his head is all the time.  Savage doesn't think Fish's time of the island will be long.  

Over on Ta whatever, it's evening and Shirin and PG are bitching it up about Abi, who moves out of the shadows and tells them they heard everything.  She and PG go at it for a bit, Shirin shrinks off.  Afterwards PG goes to the shelter and they all laugh it up about the fight and about Abi, who is on the beach crying.  Terry feels bad because no one is standing up for her and he goes down to the beach where we have a season changing moment of bonding between the 2 of them.  The "clicked" and Abi tells him she's open to working with him.  Terry says that Jeff lit a fire under his ass and made him understand the value of the social game.  

Next  morning, all in romantic sepia tone, Jeff is for some reason self flagellating himself with the sleeves of his shirt and Abi comes to him out of the mist as if in a dream.  The discuss how NICE Terry is, and Jeff tells her she is is fabulous, "your little moments turn me on".  Oh, I guess that explains the beating himself with the sleeves.  

Immunity Challenge.  Jeff almost forgets to take back the idol.  The challenge is a series of a frames that they have to climb over while carrying ropes, then use the ropes to pull boxes across track.  Inside the boxes?????  C'mon you knew they were gonna be puzzle pieces.  

Probst is all excited by the skinned hineys going down the A-frames.  God, could I tell y'all stories......  Ta-bow or whatever is ahead at the puzzle, they change people out a few times but ultimately Joe the Magnificent solves the puzzle before Shirin and Spencer.  Jeff is amused that Spencer and Shirin were the ones to lose the challenge.  

Back at camp, they're all weakly saying "oh yea, good effort, it was a team loss".  Spencer is totally glad he is in control of this game, unlike last time!  

Jeff wants one of them out.  Doesn't matter which one as they are 2 heads of the snake.  PG is cool with that, as she thinks they're both dangerous.   Basically everyone agrees.  

Shirin in her cluelessness approaches Abi to see if they are OK.  Um, that would be a "no".  She apologizes for the other night and Abi told her she wishes one of them had come to check on her but as it turns out Terry did.  And she's very loyal.....She then tells Shirin that Jeff and Kelley want them gone.  Shirin is all, "wait, but we are still together right??"  Abi's all, "no, that's not really my style".

Spencer and Shirin are losing it  She tells him Abi and Jeff are going with old school.  The rush up to Woo and dump on him that he's on the bottom and once they merge "you're done".  He's kind of appalled by this as it's the first conversation they ever had with him.  Shirin promises him any deal he wants and he says NO WAY.  

Spencer cries on his alone camera time because "Shirin is the one I wanted to play with".  

Tribal

Jeff says they are exhausted from the challenge.

Spencer says it's like they all had amnesia about how great Survivor is and the game actually sucks

Shirin says that she had a rough time on season one and now it's all happening again.  There's fighting, lost trust and I'm suddenly on the bottom again.

Kelley with an E tells Probst that Abi and PG had a fight.

Abi explains the situation and that "Terry was the only one to rescue me"

Probst points out to Shirin that the same thing happened last time.  He kind of lights into her and she admits she didn't "fix" her original mistakes.

Terry tells Probst that he was feeling on the bottom the other day and that he and Abi made a connection.  (Is this the freaking Bachelor???)  

Spencer admits he and Shirin are targets, and that they put too much effort into strategy and not enough in getting to know people, which YES JEFF PROBST is the same thing that happened last time around.  ARE YOU HAPPY NOW??

Spencer promises to be a better person if they spare him.  

Shirin just says "change is hard".  Because she frankly still doesn't see how freaking annoying she is.  

Time to vote!  Spencer gets 4 votes, Shirin 5 and thank you jesus she is gone.  

Ta Keo

Kelly Wigglesworth  Ron/Joanne

Woo Nancy/Elayne

Kelley Wentworth Caitlyn/Rachel

Spencer Susan W/Chris

Pei-Gee Jill/Eileen

Jeff Donna/Lori*

Abi-Maire Kelly/Jean

Terry Amy/Carolyn

Bayon

Kass Tess/Terry

Joe  Denise/Leslie

Keith John Stadnicar/Matt and Kevin

Kimmie  Lynne and Jaden/John and Donna

Stephen Cindy/Ginnie

Tasha Betty/Jeff

Monica Annemarie/Gail

Ciera Stacey/Liz**

Jeremy Alt3

Andrew Alt 4

Out

Vytas Donna/Lori*

Shirin Stacey/Liz**