Survivor Update

And so we have arrived at the final night!!  Who else believes this game is Ben's to lose?  And frankly these final 4 with him DESERVE TO LOSE for the simple reason that when someone is an idol magnet, YOU NEVER EVER allow them to go ANYWHERE without a tag team.  Jesus people!!!

So Ben played the surprise idol last week and knows, AS DOES EVERYONE ELSE, that there will be another idol planted.  And barely planted because like everything in the world, even the idol placement has become dumbed down and we now have to stamp the trees and rocks with freakin signs that say HEY THERE IS AN IDOL HERE.  

So, while everyone is excitedly talking about how IT HAS TO BE BEN, he slips away and looks for an idol.  And the next morning, while everyone dreams of the million dollars they won't be winning, Ben gets up and looks for an idol.  Chrissy wakes up and is like, "oh I'm guessing Ben is off looking for an idol", yet she waits until the next lazy ASS wakes up to say, "hey Ben's been out there looking for an idol for about 45 minutes".   For GOD sake, you're a bunch of idiots!!!    Chrissy is "banking on him not finding it".  If you have ever watched the show you know that once you find one idol, you pretty much crack the FORT KNOX of logical you need to find every damn one.  

Reward challenge:  Tied in pairs, you get a night at a resort.  Oh, you do the challenge in pairs, not the reward.  HEY here's an idea, SOMEONE SHOULD ALWAYS BE TIED TO BEN AT CAMP.

Devon and Chrissy win the reward and get to pick one other.  They discuss and pick Ryan, totally shocking Ashley who basically says, "well I know who wears the pants in that pair".  Devon, Chrissy and Ryan go off on their Club Med vacation leaving Ben with an angry Ashley and a moron Mike to basically run around the camp looking for that idol.  Was there a clue at the reward?  Dunno because I doubt these 3 tools even looked.  

Ben tries to "work" with Mike and Ashley but they both tell him to not bother so he goes off to idol search.  WITH NO ONE WATCHING HIM.  

Immunity Challenge refrigerator magnets for tonight:

Sandbags 

Basketball hoops

Ladder

Sandbags

Basketball hoops

and 

Cog Puzzle.  

The only bright spot in that episode for me is Chrissy wins immunity so I'm immune this week.  

Back at camp....BEN WANDERS OFF TO FIND THE GOD DAMN IDOL.  

The remaining brain trust sit in the water and think, "hey, what if Ben finds an other idol.  Maybe we should split the vote between him and Mike".  Everyone thinks, THERE'S A GOOD IDEA.  But Chrissy is pushing for the vote to be split between Ben and Ashley because basically those 2 are like cats tied in the same pillowcase.  Devon isn't sure about getting rid of Ashley.  

BEN FINDS AN IDOL CLUE.  But the idol is hidden under the bed at camp, and everyone is hanging around the bed all day.  "I am not going anywhere tonight without that idol".

Tribal

So basically this is another freaking mess.  It's all blah blah blah, with Mike announcing to no one with a clue that "Ben is the biggest THWEAT".  More blah blah blah, Devon says "Ben is going home tonight".  Ben whips out his idol and says "BOOOOOOOOOM".  

Chrissy is all, that's disrespectful going BOOOOM when it really doesn't change things that much.  

Ben is all over himself.  He asks Ashley and Devon, "wanna go back to camp with me?  Vote for Mike".  He's all "AWESOME!!!  I just turned the 5 against themselves.  Mission Accomplished!!!"

Time to vote.....

Mike 1, Ashley 4 and is now the pissed off new member of the jury.

Good luck tonight to those of you (and me) still in this thing!!!  Go Chrissy!!!!!

Survivor: Best Tribal EVER!!

Hello Survivors!  Hope everyone got a chance to watch that INSANE tribal council last week because I seriously doubt I can do it justice.  We must be getting close to the finale but I don't think it's this week!

So we were left last time with Joe's AMAZINGLY tight alliance falling apart, and Mike getting blindsided AGAIN.  Seriously, will anyone go to his urology practice after this show??  I wouldn't let him touch my garden hose let alone anything alive.  

Chrissy talks to Ben, who totally screwed her over by pretending to be in her alliance, and he told her his "plan didn't align with yours".  She starts to argue with him and he is a shit who tells her not to "mother me".  Cuts her off with "Goodnight".  JERK.

Reward Challenge, and it's the looooved ones episode.  We get to see everyone stinking and hanging on their clean and good smelling loved ones.  I know it's been 30 days and they all want to kiss but IT'S BEEN 30 DAYS WITHOUT A TOOTHBRUSH.  Every time I'm grossed out.  So who do we have?

Ashley's Dad Jim

Ryan's Dad Steve

Mike's wife Barry?  Mary??  Couldn't figure it out.  She had 2 eyes, not just one on her forehead though.

Lauren's sister Sunny who also likes to put on the feed bag.  I could hang with Sunny because she runs in and hugs Jeff.  LOL!

Chrissy's husband Keith

Ben's wife who looks to be about 18 and the mother of his 5 and 3 year old

Devon's mom Sonja.  

It's possibly the shortest challenge ever and totally not worth the flight to Fiji.  The each get a bag with a black and a white marble and they pick together.  If they match, they're in.  If not?  OUT.  

In the first round only Ben and Chrissy have matches.  Round 2?  Only Chrissy and her husband match so, sorry charlie you are shit out of luck.  Too bad you were a fuckwit to Chrissy earlier because she probably would have chosen you to join her in a BBQ back at the camp with your loved one.  As it is, she picks Ryan, Mike and Ashley to eat and visit with their loved ones.  Ben, Devon and Laura?  GOT NOTHING FOR YA.

Chrissy decides Ashley might be the easier to break her alliance so they all sit down and talk with her and offer her help in getting rid of her competition in finale, Ben.  

Back at camp, Ben decides to make a fake idol.  He tells Devon about the fake one and they all go off to look for a real one since they think there is a replacement to the one Ryan played somewhere.  Ben tells Lauren about the fake idol.  She's disgusted that he has a personal grudge against Chrissy and he wants her to find it and embarrass herself by playing it at tribal.  "Ben makes it personal and that's wrong".  

Lauren find the idol, but it's only half of an idol.  The other half is a shell that will be at the next immunity challenge and she has to pick it up.  

Immunity Challenge:  They have to stand with arms outstretched holding 2 disks onto a frame,  It looks tough and people start dropping right away.  In the middle, Lauren drops to pick up the shell that's under her feet basically.  Seriously, after they are out, for the first time ever, they don't go to a bench but sit on their perches.  Makes it totally stupid to make a big deal out of her having to pick up the other half of the idol.  Like, hmmm, I'm sitting here and everyone else is staring straight ahead of me, and how unreasonable would it be for me to just pick up a shell and play with it?  C'mon Probst, you can do better.  

It comes down to Devon and Ashley and Devon asks if she wants to just quit.  He agrees to quit for a back rub.  Ashley wins immunity. 

They basically have to decide if it's Mike, Chrissy or Ryan.  OR DO THEY???  Ashley decides she needs a resume builder, a big move!  I hate this whole resume builder bullshit.  Ashley thinks she needs to take out Ben for her resume to be complete.  

Devon wants Chrissy to go.  Devon, Ashley and Lauren are discussing Ben vs Chrissy at the waterhole when Ben walks up. They all stop talking and act totally weird.  Ben talks to Mike and says those 3 are too tight, he needs to make...wait for it... a BIG MOVE.  Ben tells Mike that Lauren has both and extra vote AND and idol.  They decide to vote for her to flush out the idols.  Mike remarks, "All of a sudden, I feel like I'm back on top. So, never underestimate Dr. Mike."  Ben also talks to Ryan and he agrees to vote for Lauren.  

Chrissy talks to Devon.  Ben sees her and asks her what they were talking about and she says "why should I tell you??"   Ben takes a walk with Chrissy and apologizes to her and says he wants to work with her and that he is voting for Lauren.  He also tells her about Lauren's extra vote and her idol and she tells him she'll think about it.  

Chrissy talks to Mike and tells him she still doesn't trust Ben.  He says, "i know you are mad at him but this would be a huge move".  Chrissy really wants Ben gone so Mike needs a plan B.  Mike goes to talk to Devon and Ashley and asks them whey they didn't tell him about Lauren's not very secret advantage or her idol?  Devon runs off to Lauren and tells her Ben is trying to blindside her so in order to reel Mike back in she shares half of the idol with him, since she can't play only half.  Mike thinks this is possibly one of the stupidest moves on Survivor history and asks if the Survivor Gods will make her pay for it.  

Tribal INSANITY

Jeff asks Devon about throwing the challenge for a massage and he is very defensive, saying he did it to show his loyalty to Ashley and Lauren.  

Ben is like, OH REEEEAAAAALLLY.  I notice you didn't mention my name there smiley boy

Ashley says the pressure is getting to some people and now people at the bottom are safe and people at the top should be worrie

Ben is like, ya mean me?

Lauren asks him what kind of game move it was to tell people about his idol? 

Ben says it was part of his game play

Lauren:  we got some game for you dude.

Ashley says he is messing up his own game

Ben asks, oh like the game you were playing at the well??

Lauren says he's paranoid

Ben says, Oh I'm not paranoid, I'm just gunning for you

Lauren suggests he better have enough ammunition

Chrissy announces that Lauren is a target because has a special advantage

Lauren says she ripped it up.  Yea, yea, that's what happened.  Then she says it's back at camp and she "can't use it if she don't have it".

Jeff is amazed that everyone knows every idol and advantage and Mike says he has half of her idol

Lauren says that Ben made a fake idol.

Ben pulls it out and puts it on saying "I didn't want to use it as a personal attack on my good friend Chrissy

Mike stands up and says he always wanted to do this, and then throws his half of the idol in the fire so it can't be played.  He then of course looks to Jeff for approval

Jeff asks, "so no one likes idols?"

Mike points out that they are a blessing and a curse, to which Ryan says they are a curse IF people know about them

Lauren says that the advantage isn't being played and tells Ryan he can have it.

Ben says, how about we just send Lauren home?

Devon says that Ben is more dangerous

And then again, multiple conversations break out, people get up and start talking to Ryan and Mike. Devon and Ashley come over and work on them.

Ben says, Jeff they are deciding on me of Lauren but I'll just announce that I'm voting for Lauren.

Devon says, LET'S VOTE.

They vote and Jeff can read the votes, Ben says, Um, hey Jeff?  I made that fake idol for my wife.  I'm playing this one!!

Ben gets 6 votes, none count.

Lauren goes to the jury with only Ben's vote!!!  

Awesome Tribal!!!  Nancy, can you share the payment info again?

Shit it's Wednesday, and another double episode!  I gotta bang through this because it was an important pair of episodes!

So Mike played his idol and Joe is mad because 1) it was freaking stupid to play it and 2) Joe didn't know about it.  

Chrissy announces Mike and Joe are dead men walking.

Mike declares he's here to WIN!!  Stay tuned!!!

Reward Challenge:  Use your disgustingly dirty feet to build a block tower and add a flag.  Wanna know?  Cheeseburgers and fries.  Hey remember back in the day when they actually pretended to give a shit about the local culture?  Yea, that world is so yesterday.  

Lauren wins.  She picks Ben, Devon and Ashley to join her.  Jeff asks Ryan if that bothers him and he says no because Devon is always hungry and Ashley hasn't won yet.  But he's 100% wrong because the real reason Lauren chose these 3 is her decision to split the 7 into the her final 4, leaving JP, Chrissy and Ryan out of the final alliance.  They eat cheeseburgers and share everything they know including that Ryan has an idol and Lauren has the special advantage. They decide it's all about business and they have to keep Joe and Mike around.  Poor Devon thinks Lauren is ALMOST as good at the strategy as he is!  

They're all happy and then they find letters from home under the burger buns.  

Back at the ranch, Mike and Joe decide it's time for them to bust things up.  They run around basically yelling HELLOOOOOOO, WE ARE 2 VOTES YOU CAN USE TO SPLIT UP YOUR ALLIANCE!!  They decide to call themselves the coco-nuts.  

Chrissy talks to Ryan and they once again agree Joe is next.  But then they agree that the first off of the 7 should be Ben and then Lauren.  Chrissy asks, will we really get to the final 7 and get to play together??

Ben goes out to read his letters from home and finds a clue and then an idol.  

IC:  Balance on a triangular platform in the water.  Or if you are feeling secure you can sit out the challenge and eat.  Devon, Lauren and Ben decide to eat.  Ryan is a bit annoyed by that.  Ashley wins immunity.

The 7 debate Joe or Mike and decide the boys vote Mike, the girls vote out Joe.  Devon is all gloating how Ryan and Chrissy are cluelessly blinded by power.  He's just so thrilled with himself!  

Lauren decides that NOW is the time to take control of the game.  They need to flush out Ryan's idol and split the 7.  Devon comes up with his big plan to blow things up with a blindside of JP/Ryan/Chrissy by having Ben continue to pretend that he's also out of the loop so they can get info from the remaining 2.  

Lauren approaches Joe and Mike and says they want to work with them.  FINALLY!!!!  Mike says he's not the court jester, he's actually freaking MERLIN and he's going to take everybody out one by one.  

Tribal

Mike says his ridiculous play last week was to reinvent the game.  He says although he's saying the same bullshit Joe is, that now that a DOCTOR is saying it people will believe him.  

Everyone is laughing it up at the coco-nuts.

Ryan says that the 7 are still totally strong! He says something about a shared vision among the 7

Joe says it's possible that he and Mike's vision might line up with someone in that 7 that wants to split it up

Lauren says not only is this not the calm before the storm, that it is the PERFECT storm

Poor clueless Chrissy says something about how do we manage our individual way to the end?

Lauren says that in fact they aren't all sitting around thinking they are a happy 7

Ashley says they're not all playing as poorly as Joe thinks they are.

Ryan is asked by Jeff how you know when something is happening and he says "it's happening when you don't think it's happening"

Ben says for about the 5th time at Tribal, you need to trust 2-3 people to get you to the final.

Chrissy says she's like to trust the people in my closest alliance.

Vote:  Mike 3, Joe 1 and JP is voted off breaking the 7 alliance.  

Back at camp Chrissy asks if someone would like to tell her what happened?  Devon just keeps strutting around with his dumb grin on his face.  Joe is an asshole to her saying "we aren't going to tell you but like you always said to us, you should just be glad to be here still and not bitter".  Chrissy says she is most mad about how they were treated after the vote.  

Ryan tries to be gracious but is pissed.  

Ben is still acting but says Joe is walking around like the whole thing was his idea.  Lauren is gloating about reversing the roles so Ryan and Chrissy are at the bottom.  Ben promises to get Ryan to play his idol.  

Ryan talks to Devon who tells him he was left out of it because he lied to him about not telling anyone about his idol.  "I trust Ashley and Lauren but you scared me".  

Reward Challenge:  Swim to a boat, paddle in collecting logs, use them to push puzzle pieces, do the puzzle.  In 2 teams.  Ben, Ashley, Joe and Devon win a spa day.  

Joe: "I finally have a true alliance".  At the reward Ben is still acting all hurt at being on the outs, while Joe is eating it up and rubbing his face in it.  Joe says Ben is now at the bottom and doesn't know how to play the game.  

Ashley sees what a great actor Ben is and she's a bit scared of how good he is.  Devon and Ashley keep congratulating themselves on their big moves!!  

At camp, Ryan is upset that his game is so bad he couldn't even win a veggie wrap.  He decides to talk to Mike to see if he can split him back off.  Mike is all proud of his new position and rightly points out that Ryan never wanted to work with him when the tables were turned.  Mike says, "I'm good now, unfortunately for you..." 

Chrissy tries to talk to Lauren and gets nothing there either.  "You never wanted to work with me before..."

It's a rainy day and Chrissy is all depressed and miserable.  

Immunity Challenge and it's not a balance one!  The have a cart, and a key and some puzzle pieces with a 12 letter word and....CHRISSY WINS IMMUNITY.

Ben asks, then who is it going to be knowing Ryan has an idol?  They decide Joe but have to pitch it to Joe and Mike as Devon, Mike and Joe will vote for Ryan while Lauren,  and Ashley vote for Ben with her extra vote.  I still don't think this makes sense but Joe and Mike stand there taking a sand bath saying okey dokey.

Chrissy and Ryan talk to Ben and inform him that they want Ashley or Lauren to go.  Ben tells Ryan if he had an idol, he's play it tonight.  

Lauren and Ashley talk about how crazy it would be to take Ben to the final.  Ashley tells Devon that she's considering an alternative and maybe they should take Ben out.  Devon is all WHAAAAAT? He can't figure out if that's a good idea or a bad idea so he has to think about it.  

Tribal

Mike is totally loving this new game because he's playing with the cool kids and "my tribe vibes me"

Chrissy is excited to have immunity

Joe is all excited too because he is now part of a VERY STRONG alliance of 5

Ben is still acting and says "oh, I'm  prolly going home"

Joe says again it was NEVER a real alliance of 7 and he takes a lot of joy out of seeing those 3 on the bottom

Ben says, the coconuts are still on the bottom

Mike says not true, we all share everything and we know everything that is going on

Ryan points out this is the same thing he was saying when Joe was calling bullshit

Mike says, yea but out 5 is better than your 7 ever was

Devon says there's a new plan every tribal.

Ashley says it's more insane than you think when watching from home

Chrissy says there is always hope and you just have to keep looking for the cracks.

Joe says he's totally comfortable this vote!  He trusts the 5!!!

Ben says that's what every comfortable alliance member thinks.

Vote, and Ryan plays his idol

Ryan 2, Ashley 3 and Joe goes home finally!!