So basically this week was all about who is the alpha male.  Chris vs Dom.  All day, all night, every minute of the episode is just one giant pissing testosterone all over the island thing.  Oh, and talking about pissing testosterone all over the place let me give a personal shout out to my dog, who is a NEW CHAMPION, Ch. Blacfriar's Casey Jones!!!  Yes, I am now that kind of a mom.  hahaha.  

This week was also about how many platitudes we can say in one hour.  I am getting out my bell and ringing it every time someone uses a phrase that has been scripted for them.  Because this week starts out with DROP YOUR BUFFS WE ARE MERGED!

It's now an INDIVIDUAL GAME (DING)
I'm now THAT MUCH CLOSER TO WINNING (DING)

It's like CHRISTMAS MORNING (DING)

We now have an EVEN PLAYING FIELD (DING)

Personally I am so freaking glad it's an individual game because I no longer have to keep track of who was Navidi and who was Malowlow.  We are now all Lavita, which isn't a brand name of an erection medication but should be a drug for low T.  

So it's lunch and new black buffs.  Dom gives a speech and my toes curled.  All about treasuring new relationships and renewing old ones.  Barf. 

 Chris gives a rap and I give no crap.  bom chuka bom bom.

Dom is totally annoyed at the rap.  Later Chris finds a clue in his buff that asks if he wants to RISK taking a boat to Ghost Island at night in order to get an idol.  Hell to the yes, yo.  He's a risk taka, y'allls. And the whitest person ever on Survivor.  

Dom and Wendell and a few others talk about whether or not to start out Navidi strong.  Most everyone wants just one night with a reprieve from blindsides and they just want to get rid of a Malowlow.  Dom isn't sure because of Chris.  Wendell tries to be a peace broker and brings Dom and Chris together.  Dom does an apology for that first day when he insinuated Chris had made a bad choice and asks if they can work together.  Chris is all asshole, "I haven't made up my mind...can't say yes right now".  Then a conga line of everyone else goes by with a bottle of something and Chris jumps up and is all "YO, can I get me some of dat??"  

Chris tells the camera that he's too suaveeeeey to fall for that.  

Dom and Wendell decide the gloves are off now.  

That night Chris sneaks off to Ghost Island saying he's "pretty clutch actually".  Which I think does not mean he's a purse without a handle.  He gets the idol that JT left at camp during a tribal when he felt safe and was blindsided.  The idol is now good for only the next vote but Chris can play the game and chose between bamboo tube pairs, 5 pairs with one half of the pair extending the idol one more tribal, or the other side costing him his vote at the next tribal.  Chris goes for it and extends the idol to another "week" but loses his vote at the next one.  He "def isn't gonna be THAT GUY who goes home with an idol in his pocket".  

The next morning Dom comments that Chris is cranky and tired and issuing orders at people.  Dom says "that SOB wants me gone".  And is it me or is there more cursing this season?  Survivor used to be more of a family show....

Chris tells people that Dom has an idol and they need to extinguish it.  Everyone is kind of amused because most of them know the idol Dom showed Chris is a fake.  Desiree says some thing about the only way to get him to use it is to blindside and Chris is all defensive since he never got the chance.  He says Dom is a LOSER, IDIOT, JOKE.....

Meanwhile Dom talks to the blonde girls I can still not keep straight-Jenna and Libby.  In actuality they are team Chris, thinking that although Chris is a target, he isn't a liar like Dom.  They're all pleased because "we have the control and the power now".  

Immunity Challenge

Stand on a bean while balancing a statue on a long pole.  Kellyn wins immunity.  She is pleased although "lines are truly being drawn in the sand tonight"

Chris goes to the water well with everyone but Dom and Wendell and talks about getting Dom and Wendell out.  Because of the idol he things they should split the vote.  Someone says that Dom and Wendell want Libby gone.  I can't figure out anyone at the water well because basically no one argues with Chris, who states "how is that not a great deal for everyone!!"

Dom and Wendell realize everyone but them have left camp.  Dom decides Chris has to go because of his out of hand ego.  He tells Wendell, "let's put together the numbers".  Wendell tells Dom he has an idol and offers it to Dom, who has, what, 3 other ones himself?  Dom is all, "I don't need to see it".  

Dom starts telling people to vote for Chris.  I'm a little concerned because he has no tact about who he is telling.  Donathan tells him NOT to tell Jenna and LIbby.  Wendell talks smack to Sebastian, telling him they know they are splitting the votes.  He tells him, and Jenna/Libby that it's time to chose as a side.  

The girls (Kellyn, Chelsea, Desiree and Angela talks about how the boys are going at each other and have lost sight of what is going on.  Desiree wants her pick, Libby, to go home and she tells the girls to vote for Libby.  

Dom says THIS IS MY MOMENT (DING)!

Chris says he's not sure if he needs to use his idol but there is BLOOD IN THE WATER (DING) and time to GO FOR THE KILL (DING DING).

Tribal

Chris says the game  has fully kicked in and he feels MORE ALIVE THAN EVER

Donathan is happy to have met everyone and says there are so many different connections happening

Jeff asks Sebastian (who has stayed out of the testosterone spraying) if his gut is telling him what to do and Seb says TOTS, MAN!!  He also says something, something DOUCHE, something something.  

Dom says he is re-assessing all the time and then proceeds to tell his version of the day one Chris story again.  He says Chris engages in interrogation not conversation, then he mentions finding and idol

Chris is all, oh how convenient he just found an idol.  Yes, asshole, because he LOOKED FOR ONE.

Dom pulls out the fake idol and puts it on.  He tells him he showed him the idol and couldn't get his love so now it's a SHOWDOWN

Chris says he showed him the idol but then goes into the ancient Angela vote history again.

Wendell reminds him that he jumped on Malowlow and blamed them for it when it was his own tribe

Chris says his gut says he can't trust Dom so he's totally cool with a SHOWDOWN

Angela says there were conversations that Dom and Wendell weren't privy too and that she thinks there are several plans going on.  She's just rolling with the majority.

Chris says there were talks and he was the leader

Jeff asks Dom if he is afraid everyone is against him and Wendell. Yep.

Libby mutters something about the STAKES, how there are 13 of them now, and bonds, alliances, trust but THE STAKES ARE HIGH (DING)
Kellyn says that the first merge tribal is always cuuuurrrrraaaaaaazzzzyyyy and she's glad she is safe.

Chris says you never know but he has developed trust, key alliances and he has GUT INSTINCTS.

Time to vote.  Anyone have an idol??  Dom gets up and says, not this one..... but he pulls out the legacy immunity and uses if for himself.

Libby gets 2 votes from Desiree and Angie, and Chris leaves with that unused idol in his pocket with all remaining votes.  Wendell say YOU'RE TRASH.  PUT THE MIC DOWN, BRO, USE AN ERASER.

Chris becomes the first member of the jury and please enjoy his shitty rap:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE3DLW6SQwU&feature=youtu.be

Survivor

Here's the thing.  I could pretend I just noticed last week's update ended up in my unsent folder but that would be a dick move that someone like, say BRADLEY would make.  So let's not be Bradley's.  I never did my update last week!  And boy did I love having those extra 4 hours to myself!  Unfortunately last week was a tad bit important in the scheme of things so let's blow through it quickly and move on to this week.

First of all, DROP YER BUFFS.  And, like every season before it my husband turned to me and said, "do you think they plan when this is gonna happen or does it depend on the story line"?  Dunno honey.  But we are going from 2 tribes now to 3 with the new one a start up with no shelter.  I'm getting confused with which was the first, second or third iteration of these tribes so hang on. I'm using the original tribe colors.  

The new Orange is:  

James     

Michael   

Desiree  

Kellyn  

Angela       

New purple is:

Domenick         

Donathan 

Libby 

Chelsea   

Bradley 

New green is:         

Chris  

Sebastian        

Wendall               

Jenna               
Laurel   
       
Here's the fast summary.  Orange once again goes to Tribal, it's totally predictable and James goes home crushing my Pool dreams.

OK, now on to this week.

And, my formatting is messed up but I have shit to do today and don't have time to fix it.  

James went home and MIchael is all worried.  Decides he needs an idol, and the producers decide he needs an idol so HOLY SHIT WHAT ARE THE ODDS, he finds an idol.  Everyone was all, "oh he's prolly just looking for an idol".  Desiree says he's paranoid because he's easy pickins.  Michael finds the fake idol Ozzy made that someone gave to save someone else and they all ended up going home one after another so, wow, let's concoct a gay story about this fake stick having bad powers.  And let's be even gayer and say that little stick lived on Ghost Island for years and finally matured into a real idol.  Wow, it's like the freakin Island of misfit toys, although without Rudolf or toys.  

Challenge.  I think it's a repeat. The 3 teams are like spokes in a wheel but with ropes and they have to balance a platform in the middle with the ropes, while one at a time someone walks into the middle and balances another block until the blocks spell REWARD.  Wanna know?  Winning team gets a full on BBQ.  Second place gets just the chicken Kabobs that are sitting out in the sun for a while.  Final team gets nothing.  Someone goes to Ghost to watch over the baby sticks.

Purple and Green drop midway through and have to go back.  Orange is completely slow doing it.  Purple and green rebuild while green is still soooo slow. Then orange drops.  It's between purple and green and donathan has the last block.....Bradley is riding his ass about it.  Purple wins the full on BBQ while Green gets the salmonella.  Orange gets nothing.  

Oh, for Ghost Island they decide that the mystery needs to stay a mystery so they send Kellyn back for her second visit.  She breaks the urn, GAME ON.  She has basically a 2/3 open the bamboo odds that she risks by the 1/3 chance of losing her vote.  She has to dick around deciding and goes ahead and gets another vote. 

Back on purple Donathan and everyone are all excited they won and are talking about how they did it and how great and Bradley has a cob up his ASS ordering our little Donathan around and making people shut up and get his grub on.  Domenick says it's amazing how unaware Bradley is that he's a nasty SOB.  Donathan knows with 3 Navidi and only 2 Malolo "me and hers on the bottom" so he does his share of stoking the Brad is a dick fire. Dom is conflicted about getting rid of the SOB or keeping the numbers up for Navidi come merge.  But does he want to take that asshat into the merge?

The green tribe are eating their chicken and Chris is all happy because someone as big and lovely as him needs more food.  It's Wendell's girlfriend's birthday so they all sing happy birthday to Nicole.  Wendell is a bit sad but decides to channel his sadness into looking for an idol while everyone takes a nap and lets the salmonella perculate.  GUESS THE FUCK WHAT???  Wendell finds a "landmark tree" and scratches around it, finds a clue with a map to AN EVEN MORE LANDMARK tree where he finds an idol.  WHAT THE HELL ARE THE ODDS???  It's the big old immunity necklace Erik gave to Natalie and then was voted off like a dumbass.  This giant necklace also went to Ghost Island to marinate in those special magical idol growing powers and is now a full grown idol!  It's also one that ain't gonna be easy to hide in your pants!

Orange is starving.  Desiree is complaining as usual, and she gets Michael to help her burn the bad juju out of the Malolo flag.  

Immunity Challenge:  It's a jump in the water, swim 20 feet to a platform, climb up, jump off, get 2 sets of rings and then play with floating ring toss.  Jeff asks Orange if they are feeling more confident and they tell him they burned the flag.  I'm sure there is something in their contracts that says they aren't allowed to damage any of the set pieces because they have to go back to Ghost Island and become new things for next season.  

Green comes in first, and it's between Donathan and Michael, with Michael winning finally for Orange and Naviti going to tribal.

Basically it's 15 minutes of "do we get rid of Bradley or Libby??"  

Tribal

Dom is asked if there is still a Naviti vs Malolo split and he agrees that there is but to a lesser extent lately
Bradley, who no one is really sitting next to, says that you wouldn't notice that there was a divide because they are getting along SWIMMINGLY
Donathan says they are not really one big happy family and throws out there the Naviti ugly history of Dom getting hosed by the ousting of Morgan
Dom says that it still stings.
Libby explains her role in it saying she was loyal to I can't even remember who Dom wanted, which is why she voted Morgan instead
Bradley says that he could give Libby a counter point about what happened but then notes he wasn't there and is only talking out of his ass
Jeff stirs the pot by saying how intriguing it is that he has an opinion when he wasn't even there
Bradley says he could argue about the color of the sky, and that it's not really arguing just having a discussion and he wouldn't just be argumentative to be a dick because c'mon, I hate dicks like that.  He basically says he just likes to bring up dick points.
DEAD SILENCE
Dom says something about times when you think of a point but it's actually better to SHUT THE HELL UP
Chelsea says camp behavior is an important component of tribal votes and you need to be aware
Dom reiterates his vote is composed or trust, compatibility, and the relationships people may or may not have made with the other tribe. And then he looks at Chelsea and then at Bradley all dramatically

Vote: Libby 1, Blindsided Bradley all the rest.  

Told ya.  You do not want to be a dick like Bradley.