ARGH!! I swear
every time I miss a week and think I'm going to catch up the next there's a friggin double
episode week that puts me even more in the hole. THANK YOU Kevin for
handling the update while I was away! It was hilarious and jeez how
great to sit back and read the updates!!
Note: the previews seem
to indicate that there is going to be a challenge to see if someone comes back
from the EDGE this week, so unless only one person actually goes home, I'm
going to propose if a group of them go home we still use the original order
they were voted off. So in other words unless Reem comes back,
she will be the first person technically removed if Extinction
gets sent packing. If Reem comes back to the game then the
second person who was voted off (Kieth??) is the alternate winner. Sound
good?
And while I'm talking
about Extinction, what a massive waste of time that has been. I'm
guessing the point was for it to become some kind of last chance Lord of the
Flies environment where they fight among themselves for clues to help
them get back into the game but since no one knew what was going to happen they
became cooperative sheep waiting for the next half bowl of rice to be delivered
to them.
OK so let's blow through
episode 4 because I know y'all are hard working professionals that would
never read my emails on company time.
Chris arrives at Extinction
and is all "I was played like a fiddle". Reem is a hardass about
him doesn't give him a happy welcome.
Back at the blue tribe
Wendy returns the flint and laughs that no one understands her
"masterplan" Wardog is all "WENDY SHOULD TO GO NEXT!
WE HAVE THE NUMBERS TO GET RID OF WENDY".
They all return to Jeff
for what they think is a challenge but is a switch up. Everyone is
shocked Chris was voted out.
DROP YOUR BUFFS.
They are resorted into 3 tribes and Jeff loses his shit when
it's basically the same people on the tribes except Wendy is moved over to one
of the former yellow tribes. Totally not what the producers wanted.
The new blue tribe:
Gavin, Aubry, Pippi Victoria, Eric, Wendy
New Yellow: Joe, Ron,
Julia, Julie, Aurora
New green tribe: Rick,
David, Wardog, Wentworth, Lauren
I think that's right.
Green gets a new beach with nothing on it. Lauren is nauseous and
homesick.
On Yellow Joe is trying
to bond with everyone and does the "bro" thing with Ron, who gives it
right back to him but doesn't really mean it. In fact he's just
distracting him while Julie goes through his bag to find if he has an idol and
what kind of hair products he uses. Once she confirms there's no idol
(and it's AXE products) they decide he's the easy target.
Wendy is the new one to
the tribe but it's her beach so she gives everyone a tour. Aubry initially
thinks Wendy will be the easy first one out although "she's so nice".
She's also very chatty and gives up all the dirt on the former blue
tribe. She also lets all of the chickens out to run away and the episode
is people talking to the camera with chickens squawking in the background.
Immunity Challenge-
there's crates and there's puzzles. You don't need to know much more.
Green goes to tribal again.
They are all best
buddies but have to turn on someone. Lauren isn't eating, there's a
question about whether Kelley has an idol, Lauren and Wendy don't think Rick is
loyal to them. Wardog is "always thinking who can get THE WARDOG closer
to the $1 million"
Tribal is a love fest.
They love each other, respect each other, their camp sucks and it sucks
to be losers. Wardog says this is the game of all games (I thought
that was Afghanistan...), Ron says here you prove things to yourself, David
says some nonsense about some things being worth more than a million dollars,
and Rick is voted out.
Fat Rick shows up at
Extinction where they all just sit around all day without ever considering
building a shelter. I totally don't know why they don't just call it
Loser island. And if the point is for it to be a Last Chance Kitchen why not at
the least have them do fire challenges to stay in the game?
Challenge: it's for 1)
PB and J and sandwiches, 2) just sandwiches or 3) nothing. It's basically
a maze of silly string, lift someone up to get "bolos" and then play
ladder ball but everyone must score so no hiding behind Joe's brawn this week.
Yellow gets the win, blue gets the sammies and green comes away with a
big fat lot of nothing again. Seriously there should be a captain over
David's head that says, "womp womp". Kelley complains that
their tribe is like "3 girls and Wardog" which is pretty self
deprecating statement about girls in general.
On yellow people are
complaining how STRONG and WINNING Joe is and how that makes him a big target.
Joe decides his best bet is to be super helpful. It kinda works
because now Ron isn't so keen to get rid of him knowing his ASS would have to
provide a bit. Julie is pretty determined he goes.
The eat their sammies on
blue and are still hungry. Pippi says "there's still
chickens".... Eric compares working with Wendy to having an alarm
clock that you never know when its going off. Aubry is STILL WAITING FOR
THE GAME PLAY TO START. I NEED TO FIND SOMEONE WITH ANY KIND OF STRATEGY
INTEREST!! Meanwhile, Gavin, Eric and Pippi talk and decide it's between
Wendy and Aubry. Aubry is still a big target just being a returning
player- the new players rightly so are tired of the returning players angle
because they basically want the season to be about them not always just how
they react to those who have played before. Pippi decides to placate
Aubry with the idea of a "girls alliance" to lure her away from the
thought that she might be in trouble.
Pippi comes up to Aubry
and begins to talk strategy and Aubry is so eager she almost kisses her.
She tells her everyone is way too calm and not really playing the game
because they know they have Wendy as a buffer vote. She suggests it's a
good time to blindside one of the boys and Aubry is so eager to be known as a
MAJOR SURVIVOR STRATEGIST AND PLAYER that she almost drools on herself.
On Green, David asks
Wardog "shall we fish??" and Wardog tells him "I've never
fished in my life and I'm tired". LOL. David decides to go
look for snails....and an idol. He says he's a 44 year old with a 2 bedroom
apartment and he needs to shape his life up. Lauren, Kelley and Wardog
talk about what a loser David is. Then Lauren goes away probably to puke
again and Wardog tells Kelley that they make the best combo and it's possible
that Lauren could break them apart if it's just those 3. Kelley is like,
OK I'll stab her in the back.
On Edge, the producers
have decided these people are even too lazy to fight among themselves so they
throw a box onto the beach- each one has a scroll in it with a map.
"Goal is to be back in the fold" "If the stars align
they'll point the way". Everyone sits around confused until Rick
figures out if you FOLD the map just right arrows point to a tree. That's
why he's the big time journalist. Reem wants them all to have a pact and
only go together to see what's there (mostly because she's too lazy to beat
anyone to the tree). And she wants them to eat their meager bit of rice
first. Surprisingly, loser Kieth is like "that's not gonna
happen" and he takes off to the tree. Everyone runs after him and
Keith and Chris get to the tree about the same time but Chris finds the note.
It says "practice" and has 3 bamboo rods.....Rick gets to the
second tree (from the back of the scroll) and it has an advantage he can give
to someone still playing with an extra vote. Rick "WE'RE STILL
PLAYING THE GAME!!!!"
Immunity
Challenge-there's water and a 3D puzzle whose pieces you need to unhook
underwater. I swear the producers made the green tribe's harder.
The literally cannot unhook their pieces. Jeff is all THIS IS THE
BIGGEST BLOW OUT IN SURVIVOR HISTORY. It comes up to David's turn and
Jeff literally yells at him GET DOWN THERE AND RELEASE IT. David can't
and Lauren has to go back down and do it finally.
Meanwhile the Yellow
team of course kicks ass and gets the win. And they basically are telling
the blue team how to put it together when the green tribe comes from behind and
gets the win FOR THE BIGGEST COMEBACK IN HISTORY, JEFF.
Blue has to go to tribal
and hallelujah Aubry gets to play Survivor finally!!! She talks to Pippi
about how much she looooves to make move and this is her chance to get
someone big like Eric out to IMPROVE HER SURVIVOR RESUME. They decide to
bring Wendy in and ask her "what kind of game did you want to play"
and she's all I DUNNO. They ask her if she wants to do a big move and get
one of the guys out and she's all "if I say no will you take me
out??" Aubry is frustrated because she can't even express an opinion
and clearly isn't WOWED by Aubry's strategic game play.
Aubry is looking in her
bag for her idol and she finds the secret advantage Rick sent her. She can use
it up until there are 7 people left in the game. She's now all freaked out
because she "doesn't know how to play when she has a bounty of
advantages".
Tribal and GET FIRE
BECAUSE IT'S YER LIFE.
Gavin is like "it's
totally chill at camp, we aren't even talking strategy" to which
Pippi and Aubry say nu huh we are. Even Wendy says she's been
strategering and is amazed that "people are confused by my game
play".
Aubry says some bullshit
about people sussing out their people and black cats finding other black cats
and halloween and hocus pocus and then she looks like she is waiting for Jeff
to give her a treat for her brilliance.
Everyone is like,
tonight is totally an easy vote about who has my back. Aubry says it's
simple and she isn't going to over think it. And she's going to have a
lot of time to think about it as she is the next person voted off and off to
the decision point where of course she chooses the Edge of Extinction.
And then we go right
into episode 6, and I'm like damn it this update is going to take all damn
day!! And here we are....
It's morning on
Extinction and Aubry is RIGHTFULLY SO mortified by going out "JT
style" with a pocket full of idols and advantages. She's unsure if
they are still playing the game or if they are sitting in the waiting room.
We aren't sure either Aubry. But she knows she can "thrive on
the bottom".
C'MON IN GUYS.
It's challenge time. There's tables to leap over, sandbags and
spinning targets to throw out. Wanna know??
1) coffee, tea and
pastries
2) coffee and cookies
3) hunger
Aurora sits out and I'm
like "who the f*(k is Aurora???"
No surprises, yellow
wins 1, blue wins 2 and loserville gets another shot at losing. Kelley is
jealous that they have Joe because "that's like a 2 week vacation".
Julie is like, "at
this point I expect to win". She tells Joe- you won that challenge
for us Joe. Joe knows that puts a big ol target on his back. He
says Aubry going was like a big wake up call. He gets all teary eyed
about not having anyone else to rely on but back home he has his family and his
22k instagram followers. He wipes his eyes with his hand in his buff and
it's like A GIANT FOAM HAND. lol.
Joe talks to Julia about
how they are both going to be targeted when they merge and he decides to make
everyone else seem like threats so that the tribe bonds with him. Julia
realizes he's right and that she is going to have to adapt when the merge
happens.
David is wondering what
it must be like to be Joe? Honey, best not to try to think about how
wonderfully better it would be to be him. Lauren is sick and frustrated
that they keep losing and they have a shitty beach. None of them seem to
want to do anything to improve their beach... She tells Wardog that the rice is
making her even sicker. Wardog thinks fishing, like David is at least
trying, is counter productive because it uses calories and laying on your fat
ass doesn't.
Wardog tells David and
Kelley that he thinks they need to get rid of Lauren because she is so sick.
Kelley and David talk and Kelley says that Wardog is scaring her.
David agrees that it seems to be a dictatorship. AND WARDOG SUCKS
AT CHALLENGES.
Extinction Island
The producers throw
another basket up on the beach in an attempt to make something out of this
disaster. There are maps in there and Aubry is confused why everyone
starts right off folding them. This one is harder. Rick thinks if
you line up all the holes it does something about the mast but he digs all
around it and nothing. Reem looks out at the water and decides she sees
some pattern so she and Keith go explore and they find another box. Keith
opens it which means he "owns" it and it's a box with knots inside
and it says "when the time comes give your competition these knots.
Chris blames Reem for "giving it away" and Reem goes off
"like a volcano" and my husband and I just laughed and said
"that would TOTALLY be me by now.
Immunity Challenge- and
there is only one immunity up for grabs. The other 2 tribes go to tribal
together and agree on one person to vote out- or tie and DRAW ROCKS.
There's a ladder, a rope
bag to unroll, a cage door and I swear something called a "monkey
cyst" to throw in a ring and get a slide puzzle. It doesn't really
matter because JOE IS AWESOME AT EVERYTHING and Yellow wins immunity.
And basically it's 25
minutes of people posturing about making the other side afraid to draw rocks by
acting like they don't care if they draw rocks. And them people being all
"is Wendy worth drawing rocks? would returning players go to rocks
knowing they might have come back just to go out with rocks?" And
then everyone is like, I don't want to risk rocks. Let's stay strong and
make them afraid to draw rocks...Wardog goes to the beach alone and everyone
thinks he's plotting. He's thinking, "is sick Lauren worth going to
rocks over??" Then he goes off to finally look for an idol.
David says Wardog is creating
a war, and then they all decide to go find him and look for idols. Kelley
finds one and in the excitement Lauren tells her she has one too.
Tribal
It's ridiculous.
Everyone is "hey we welcome anyone who wants to come play with
us". Wendy says they all asked her about her original tribe and she
said she's now in the middle. David tells her they still consider her
part of their tribe and Eric says "that's not what she said".
And then Kelley starts
talking to Wardog, and he talks to David, and then they start talking on the
other side and David calls Wendy out of the area for a side conversation and
GOD KNOWS WHAT SHE SAYS.
They vote and it's a tie
which means they have to revote. Everyone is still talking together in
groups and someone says "worse cocktail party ever".
And then they revote and
it's pretty unanimous that Wendy goes to Extinction.
Posts
