Survivor Island of the Idols! Week 1

Welcome to season 39 or Survivor!  

Island of the Idols-with Boston Rob and Sandra, Survivor School is in Session!  But where is Jeff??  We see the two tribes arriving at their beaches and…no Jeff.  Contract negotiations gone bad?  Very strange. 

Boston Rob and Sandra HAVE NO CHANCE AT WINNING THE MONEY.  That gets pointed out about 5 times this first week.  Which means there probably will be a twist and they can win the money.  They “will live on Island of the Idols for 39 days”, which is either bullshit or the there’s a new Ritz Carlton out of sight on that island. 

Teams are divided into 2 tribes: Orange “Lairo” and Purple “Vokai” tribe.   We start to do the who are you and why should I hate you instantly routine. 

On the orange tribe we find out we have an Olympic swimmer, Elizabeth, who is bonding with Missy who used to play basketball for the military until she found a friggin BRAIN TUMOR.  She’s currently in remission.  Vince is a Hmong, actually I think he is a first generation American from Hmong refugee parents.  Tom is some 60 year old NHL player. 

On Purple, we have the quintessential old lady (cough cough 59 year old) Janet who is hell bent on not being the first to go home. She apparently did a youtube search and learned how to make fire, so while the kids are running around working on shelter she builds a fire in about 20 seconds-seriously she was killing it AND YET, some man had to mansplain to her what to do.  I have to tell y’all STRAIGHT UP I am having trouble not seeing the arrogant male bullshit this time around. 

Orange:  Tom is impressed that Elaine is “not all prissy with her dress on” (again, see above about these older men).  Elaine is actually a factory worker from Kentucky and quite funny, which is apparently a federal crime.  She, Tom and Vince are out walking in the woods finding stuff for shelter and talking.   The remaining assortment of millennials left at camp notice they are missing and decide to form a 7 person bond against these 3.  Leading are Aaron and Ronnie, who I can tell you right now I am going to hate all season.  Aaron tells everyone that “those 3 have a target on their backs”. 

Purple is chilling around their fire with their shelter thinking this is all gonna be a piece of cake.  Jason, knowing that this season is called Island of the Idols ( to be known as IoI from henceforth) GOES OUT TO LOOK FOR AN IDOL.  And then people notice, including old white dude Dan, who is a talent manager in Hollywood and spends his days telling young people how to do stuff  he wants them to do.  He’s right on it pushing the “WHERE’S JASON” line “why would anyone do something like look for an idol”.  He predicts “he’s done, this will be impossible to dig out from”. 

Jack, the youngest at 23 is with the gang of kids frolicking in the water toilet.  He finds a giant clam and finds it hilarious that he can make it squirt at the girls.  I’m gonna let that lie right there.  Tommy is also young and apparently has bought his girlfriend an engagement ring but I guess hasn’t given it to her. Which is wise, buy the ring when you are poor in case you DO win the million bucks and that bitch want a much bigger ring.  There is apparently a core group of 6, with Jason on the outs.  Noura feels bad for him and tells him that he stepped in shit and everyone thinks he has an idol now. 

Orange:  Elaine is holding court and making everyone laugh about what a hick she is.  She tells them to remind her to put on her drawers for tribal.  Brain Tumor Missy likes all of the girls and suggests they form an all girl alliance.  She also tells Elaine she’s in trouble because she went away with Tom and Vince. 

Purple:  Talent Agent Dan is giving people back rubs which, along with being hilarious myself, is the second reason I would NEVER go on this show.  These people have no personal space.  Kellee is not a fan of the touchy feely and at one point Dan is rubbing her leg with his sweaty head and really annoying her.  Kellee is an MBA student currently living in Phila (Kevin and Ashely did I guess right?).  She says she’s a germaphobe and Dan gives her the creeps.  She talks to Molly who agrees.  Ultimately they talk to Janet about it and Janet is all SO TELL HIM NOT TO TOUCH YOU.  Kellee hangs on the sand with Dan and explains the situation.  He seems to take it well. 

Orange:  Ronnie says that initially people need to sit down and watch what’s going on.  He says he likes Elaine and thinks she has a “dangerous story”.  He decides to talk to her and give her his “good vibe Ronnie” talk about how they should work together etc.  Elaine decides he’s a weasel just from that interaction and thinks he has to go.  The whole time I am looking at Ronnie I am remembering the movie 16 Candles and thinking Ronnie is an “oily bohunk”. 

Challenge AND JEFF IS FINALLY HERE!

He gives his official welcome and Elaine says they’ve been waiting and “we thought you’d quit”. 

The challenge is : up/down an obstacle, drop a bridge, climb a tower and put together a totally cool 7 hut village puzzle.  Seriously I have just the spot for that village by my pond. 

Wanna know?  Winners get this incredibly ugly immunity idol and flint.  The Purple tribe, especially Janet are all “oh we don’t need it” and trying to get Jeff to ask them about it but alas, he’s still too preoccupied with the paternity case that delayed him to notice. 

It’s pretty close all the way until the huts and then Orange TOTALLY FALLS APART.  It’s embarrassing and Jeff gets to yell “ONE OF THE WORST BLOWOUTS IN SURVIVOR HISTORY”.  It is kinda lame that Orange never gets one hut built while Purple kills it.  They win immunity and the flint they don’t need and leave.

Orange has to go to tribal BUT WAIT….. someone has to go to the IoI and one of you has to pick a name out of this bag.  Elaine picks and Elizabeth (Olympian) is off to the unknown.  She’s freaking out because going to something called Island of IDOLS puts a target on her back and she is missing strategy. 

And now we get introduced to the Island of the Idols.  Elizabeth arrives and finds 2 giant heads-she apparently recognizes them as BR and Sandra AND THEN THEY WALK OUT.  She’s all excited and they go into their “snug” where BR again reads the oath that they are mentors who CANNOT WIN THE MILLION DOLLARS.  LOL, why do I think there were a lot of contract negotiations and BR and Sandra need the constant reminder that they ain’t winning anything? 

So they sit and chat and BR tells her that hey are there to teach her stuff and then she will have a chance to “test her knowledge”.  Elizabeth starts talking about camp life and says they don’t have fire  yet-BR is all I CAN TEACH YOU TO MAKE FIRE because you are all so effing stupid you can’t teach yourself to build fire before you come. I almost wish he had pulled out a computer and a youtube video and said, there bitch.  

BR shows her how to build a fire in  seconds and she’s all amazed.  “It’s that easy”.  Sandra takes Elizabeth away to practice making a fire-they show her making one but I hope there was more practice than that. 

They return to BR who offers her a challenge- race him to make fire and if she wins, she gets immunity good for the next 2 tribals.  Lose and she loses her vote this week.  You can tell immediately she is going to jump at the competition, and Sandra is trying to get her to think it through because “Elizabeth vs BR is a mismatch". 

Orange:  Elaine is worried.  She and Chelsea and Vince and Tom talk and they think they have 6 with Elizabeth and Missy.  They want Ronnie, the oily bohunk gone.  Karishma, Aaron, Ronnie and Vince talk and they also think they have Elizabeth with them.  They want Elaine to go.  Vince goes and tells Elaine that the other group is throwing her name out. 

Back at IoI, of course Elizabeth wants to try the challenge.  BR points out it’s a rooky mistake to jump at the first offer because he had another counteroffer for her. 

Even with Sandra being all nice and talking her through it, BR kicks her ass and makes fire in a heartbeat.   BR points out to her that although she lost she should have learned now that Survivor is full of pitfalls.  Tells her she should always  trust her gut-says she should have never gone up against him.  He them asks her to chose the next person from the Purple tribe to go (she doesn’t see who it is).

Elizabeth leaves IoI with wisdom but a lost vote tonight. 

Back on Orange Elaine talks to Dan, Aaron, Ronnie and Chelsea and tells them she doesn’t want to go home and that she will vote for whoever they say. Aaron, also a bohunk, starts throwing compliments to her and says “how about Vince”.  Elaine says OK.  After she leaves, Aaron says the decision between Vince and Elaine hasn’t really been made yet. 

Elizabeth returns to IoI and tells them it’s deserted and there are 3 urns.  The one she broke said You lose, No game.  Not sure if anyone believes her or they are concentrating on the tribal to really care.  Everyone wants Elizabeth in their corner so everyone wants to talk to her. 

Tribal

Everyone get fire.  Seriously did Jeff even do his “fire is your life” thing?  He seems really out of it.  BR and Sandra get into a little aerial hut and watch the tribal.

He asks Chelsea what everyone thought about his absence and she tells him they were all confused.

Elaine right off the bat says her name has been thrown out because she gets along with everyone.

Karishma says “likeability is a liability” and BR says she’s smart.

Elaine asks why get rid of her first just because they don’t want to sit next to her on day 39?  Why not wait until day 20? 

Oily Bohunk gives the “we have to stay strong” which is bullshit because she’s tough and there are much weaker women there

Elaine says that she’s devastated.  Starts to cry and talks about how everyone there has a story and has had to overcome a lot of things and pain to get there.  Says it’s heartbreaking that leaving first you don’t get to fulfill your dream, fill your cup up after all of that trying to get there.  She says she wanted this show to build her up not tear her down, “I’ll be devastated to go but this has been the best thing I have every done”.  And I’m sitting here sniffing picturing Laura Engels in Little House on the Prairie sitting in the candlelight watching Survivor on a little hand crank TV and dreaming of getting the HELL off the prairie and onto Survivor.  

Bohunk says he can totally relate how much this opportunity means because it means a lot to him.  Says he’s from South Boston and has had a similar life to her, goes on to list all of the shit jobs he’s had including Sears Auto store, some protein bar thing with his friend, kickboxing somewhere in Asia etc etc.  (his bio currently lists the always wildly prosperous “pro poker player”).  Totally a scam artist who can’t hold a job is all I hear. 

Vince says everyone has a story and gets all emotional.  BR and Sandra for some reason like him. He says he wants to support Elaine but is afraid of people who could impact his game. 

Aaron says it’s hard to vote anyone off….

BR asks Sandra if it was this hard for her to vote people off and she replies “fuck no, I’ll vote you out and that’s it”.  LOL

Time to vote!

Any idols?  Nope.

Vince-2

Ronnie Bohunk 6 (all he needs so no one knows Eliz had no vote)

Jeff says it’s a devastating blindside!

And we are OFF ON SEASON 39!!  Let me know what y’all think!!

 

E