Welcome Back!! I always hate this first episode, more so when it's 2 hours long and I can't tell who anyone is. Also, because Jeff is just so full of himself it makes me roll my eyes which gets in the way of taking notes. C'mon, does he really think this is the GREATEST SOCIAL EXPERIMENT ever? Because having watched PBS last week I'm, pretty sure the social experiment where people were shipped to death camps and a whole fuck load of people went along with the killing maybe was a tad more important.
OK. Y'all aren't here to get bummed out about the holocaust.
This is Survivor 43, which makes me sad that they aren't even giving them a name of an exotic location anymore. Clearly they bought some land in Fiji that someone writes off for using 2 months of the year. And clearly the island has a cub med for the staff, a hospital staffed by Australians and a few GIANT warehouses full of cheap flammable "decor".
We have 3 boats and 3 tribes with names that we will ignore using red, yellow and green instead. They land and Jeff gets to do bullshit with them, calling a few out he's been told have "interesting" stories. So, we have a para-Olympian with a million dollar leg, a rainbow bright character (WOKE ALERT for those who need one), a woman with a Chinese immigrant Dad story meant to make you believe in America again, a few Philly people and an old dude (who is younger than me) in a beanie who has NO CHANCE so whoever has him needs to start hoping for an alternate ASAP. Half of them say they decided to go on Survivor while they were sitting on the couch during COVID.
Jeff: SURVIVOR is 1) a game anyone can play because you all get to decide how your society is run and 2 AN ADVENTURE!! Give yourself permission to play. LIke, has that really been a problem??
So first we have to win the meager supplies (flint, machete, a pot and a lot of purell behind the trees)/ There's a challenge with crates, which become a puzzle, which someone stands on and uses a stick to get the flint. It's kind of hard to get the flint until some FREAKIN GENIUS figures out you have to use the pole to hold the flint in the hollow space. Red wins.
Red consists of Cody who is LOCKED AND LOADED TO GET PLAYING, Nneke, Justine, Dwight, Noelle and Jessie. Apparently no one got off the COVID couch to learn how to build shelter but at least they have flint.
Yellow has old man Gabler, Sami, Elie, Owen, Jeanine and Morriah. Blue is James, Ryan., Karla, Geo, Lindsay and Cassidy.
Yellow and blue have to do the savvy or sweat challenge to get their supplies. Savvy is a cool puzzle and Sweat has 2 people dig up a giant square to find the stuff.
Yellow chooses savvy, blue chooses sweat. Both get their supplies. Sami pretends he's just an average guy but realizes everyone else on yellow is clueless so he has to unleash his killer puzzle skills. He's 19 but lies that he's 22 in case there's booze later on. Ryan and someone else, maybe Geo do the dig thing and fortunately Ryan has some smarts because he carries the whole challenge and finds the bag.
People start making alliances. On Red Noelle and Justine line up. Nneke, Cody and Jessie form a group. Cody tries to put the stink on Justine for being a sales rep, never revealing he is one too.
On yellow Owen is half hearted going around saying "I'll let you know if I hear your name" to people randomly. He says it to Gabler. We get to hear about Elie's dead sister who OD'd on drugs (DON'T DO DRUGS KIDS OR YOUR SISTER WILL END UP ON SURVIVOR TALKING ABOUT YOU). Elie, rainbow bright Morriah and Jeanine form Girl Power.
On Blue Cassidy wants to be sneaky. Lindsay talks to Cassidy and Karla about a girls alliance with James. I don't think Cassidy and Lindsay are going to be friends. James, who is a chess dude, is like, OK.
Yellow can't get fire because these fuckwits didn't spend the pandemic making fire. Shit, I got so bored I was making it in my driveway. That and fucking sourdough bread. Seriously I hope there's a sourdough baking challenge and someone KILLS IT. Gabler tries and can't get fire. Sami. ironically the pet cremator, gets fire. Who didn't see that coming?? Fortunately all of the animals have been removed from the Mark Burnett Island. Gabler tries to hit up Elie for...something...by throwing out names of old heavy metal bands. She pretends her dead sister used to mention heavy metal while doing fentanyl.
On blue. Geo and Karla bond. Their gaydar brought them together because they both have same sex spouses, although Karla has an accepting family and Geo does not. Geo, Karla and Ryan form an alliance. Karla is surprised that people are seeking her out for alliances because she thought no one would like her. It's still early honey.
We also learn that Jesse (red) used to be in a gang and had one of those gang who did you kill teardrop tattoos on his face until he got arrested and some SOCIAL WORKER saved his life and got it turned around. He went to Berkely, and then Duke and has a PhD in Poli Sci.
Cody doesn't want to do anything to show he's capable. Justine keeps wanking on the flint to try and make a fire and somehow the shelter falls on her and a fire starts. Yea, totally like Bewitched. The original not the shit remake.
Ok, so the guy in the boat arrives and I fear we are doing that Risk or No Risk prisoners dilemma which I never understand. Dwight volunteers for red, Gabler is chosen by random draw and Karla guesses the number to get picked. It's not the walk to the summit thing but a walk out to a giant rock across slippery rocks in the water. Anywho, Karla picks no risk, and Gabler and Jesse both pick risk and draw from a bag and open their notes later.
Justine finally gets fire on Red even though they had the flint all along. Dwight returns and tells exactly what went down. Cody doesn't believe him. Gabler also tells them on Yellow what happened and also hoot when he gets the idol so everyone knows.
Immunity challenge finally. There's obstacles, a dig, a beam and a choice of 3 table mazes. Blue gets the first immunity, and red gets the second sending yellow to tribal. Although Gabler has an idol he's an idiot who says he's not going to hide behind it and he's going to blow his shot in the dark which tells me he's got no strategy. Like I said, pray for the alternate if he's your guy. Elie talks him off the ledge.
It's a mad dash to find alliances. Elie wants rainbow bright to go, rainbow wants Owen to go. Jeanine is afraid to get rid of women and be at the mercy of a male majority. And it's interesting to me how women STILL inherently know men are bad news in the majority. Ahem.
Tribal-I swear the set is giant this year. Get fire because it's your life unless it accidentally blows out, then we find out it's not really your life. But how cool would that twist be??
Sami says life has been a joy and they are totally final 6. LOL
Jeff basically says ARE YOU NUTS?
Owen says no one wanted to put a target on their back by being strategic, which is what you think when you are TOTALLY out of the loop.
Geo says it was important to get to know everyone and they were supposed to win.
Morriah says "In fact, we did win..." and they they attacked tribal. Oh wait, wrong reality show. She says they won because they gave it their all. I would totally vote someone off just for saying shit like that.
Sami says "moral victories are meaningless" and is that the fucking truth.
Jeff asks to stir shit SO NO FINGER POINTING??
Geo says, yep, blah blah accountability
Elie says she isn't about to blame volunteers and it's all about who reached out to her first
Morriah says some people reached out and that today they got out of their trance
Sami says GAME ON.
Owen says it was the price they paid for being too kumbaya.
Time to vote. Any idols? Nope
Owen gets 1 and Morriah, rainbow and all, gets to be first loser. And I and the Noller boys get alternate 1
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