Nine pair of AMERICANS!!! Because we ain't gonna let no damn illegals on our AMERICAN show filmed outside of AMERICA. Each team gets FLINT. WTF????? And then we get to meet those 9 teams, representing EVERY stereotype typical of every one of these shows.
First up, the quintessential soon to be 1%ers, beautifully put together and dressed Jon and Jacqueline. He the football star. she the former beauty queen. I did not know Talbots and Brooks Brothers make a line of Survivor appropriate clothing! "Hmmm, honey, what should I wear to sleep in the dirt for 39 days? How about my white silk ruffle shirt? I'll top it with a nice linen blazer and a scarf is always a nice accessory. You do think we get to accessorize, right?"
Next up, it's baseball bad guy John Rocker and his "long term girlfriend". AKA a dumb blonde with big boobs hanging around a washed up, kinda fat, former someone. Who also may or may not be a biggot. Her name is Julie BTW.
And, monkeys! Lots of monkeys! In trees!! We have the religious right's favorite team to bash, the thrice divorced mom and her daughter, who has been traumatized by all of those divorces. Missy and Baylor. Hey. at least their trying to make some money instead if looking for gubermint assistance.
We have the required Bro's, Jesus Hair boys Drew and Alec. We're led to believe they have a lot of sibling rivalry and unresolved issues for Dr. Jeff to fix. I don't care, they're easy on the eyes.
Dad and daughter, Dale and Kelly. He's a farmer from Ephrata I believe, given his shirt. I heard someone say "he could be as old as 55!"
And of course, no reality show is legal without a pair of genuine NEW YORK LIBERAL GAYS ON BROADWAY! Josh and Reed. And let's give them a pair of Jazz hands for sharing their Valentine day flint gifts and a little episode of hugging from behind!
Next up, a pair of married blue collar workers, Fireman Jeremy and Policewoman Val! They also get a check for the "African American" element requirement.
The twinnies, Former reality show "stars". They are recycled here because very few people of Indian decent end up on reality shows. Mainly because they are in laboratories, and sitting around doing math and science all day.
And, finally, let's throw a pair of total rednecks out there! Father and son firefighters Keith and Wes who are so alarmed by fire that they intentionally lose their flint striker. I am trying to figure out what genetic mutation Wes has that makes him look something like a cabbage kid grown up in poverty or one of those kids on the 70s bubblegum cards mocking advertisements. He's like a rednecked hobbit.
And so after one final night of passion in the sand, it's on to DAY 1. Everyone come on into the set and let's meet. He asks the Broadway dancers if they made fire. "Jeff, if you're going to be on Survivor, you had better practice making fire..." FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT!!!!! Keith admits that 'we done lost our striiiiiiker". And with that the loved ones are divided up into 2 tribes and it's on to the first reward challenge.
It's a wooden cube with ropes that have to be untangles and then used to haul wooden platforms in. They do rock, paper scissors WHICH I NEVER UNDERSTAND. Anyway, Jeremy volunteers to do the challenge and we get THE FIRST TWIST OF THE GAME. He has to go up against his loved one Val, and if he wins he SENDS HER TO EXILE ISLAND. Winner also gets fire and beans and a DVD of Blazing Saddles. Jeff is off on one of his blah blah blah thing about blood vs water and the inherent challenges of having to compete against your loved one. Like most married couples don't already play this little game every day called "who is going to break down first and offer to make dinner".
It's not even close and Jeremy wins. AND MORE TWISTS AND DRAMA! He has to pick someone from his tribe to go to Exile WITH her. He chooses Keith because "he knows how to make fire" even though we know they lost their firemaking stuff within 5 minutes. I blame the monkeys though. Keith gits all emotional and stuff for the couple.
Back at their camp they have a whole box of stuff including what looks like matching blue canteens. Jeremy has his one on one camera time to again get all emotional about sending his wife to Exile. He then gets up and starts working all of the women on the tribe presumably for alliances although his "everyone wants to date the prom king" makes me wonder....
The loser tribe, which I think is orange and called Coyopa are comparing ages. There's a young group, a middle group and then that old geezer of 55. He's a farmer and not used to being around people and is worried about his social game. So he takes a little walk to the watering hole and finds "a little emblem thingy". Is it an idol?? The tribe is trying to make fire and is split between Dale and basically everyone else. Everyone else is using the "rub it until it gets hot and glows" technique, whereas Dale uses his reading glasses, eventually breaking them in 2, to get fire started. One of the ditzy girls says "wow, I didn't know you could start a fire with glasses!" Uhuh. Ever watch this show before. honey?? Dale is now a bad ass.
Exile Island is apparently "pretty desolate" and why you should never rent a beach place in Nicaragua on the internet without seeing the 360 degree photos. They have to chose an urn and I'm like OMFG THEY ARE GOING TO CREMATE THEM???" But, no, one has an idol clue and the other has nothing. Val gets the clue and just says "it's just stuff about my tribe" and Keith buys it even though, HOW WOULD THEY KNOW SHE WOULD GET THAT URN??? Do they not get the teevee in his trailer park??? They bond a little about how he and her husband are firefighters.
On the blue tribe, named Hunahpu. Jesus hair Drew, who yes yes has worked as a male model, is getting the shelter done. Which annoys John Rockers LONG TERM GF for some reason. She thinks he's arrogant.
Wes figures out who John Rocker is and he tries to get him to confess. While walking around carrying a huge pile of branches beside JR in REALLY BAD LOOKING OUT OF THE GATE JOCKEY UNDERWEAR, who is of course carrying nothing. He asks him if his last name has 5 letters. Um, NO. Oh right, 6 letters then.
About 10 minutes after building the shelter Josh's eye starts swelling up and looking like a nasty epidemic of pink eye is about to take over Nicaragua but, instead, he remembers reading about some jungle plant that makes people allergic. OH NO, it's the sap from the plant they used as a roof. So they have to remove it and replace it. Apparently that works for his eye.
Monkey shot. Jon has already torn the sleeves off his blue oxford Brooks Brothers shirt. Either that or $250 doesn't buy a quality item anymore. He left his dying father back home to do the show. Hopefully that won't effect the will.
Immunity Challenge.
Val and Keith return. Jeff: "Hopefully you can find a spot in your tribe since everyone has already paired up".
It's an obstacle thing. Crawl under stuff, then there are 3 levels of walls to climb, after you untie 3 bags of stuff. The first leg of it you need to climb a rope up the incline (I'd still be there), second uses pegs and finally you have to use each other. And then......PUZZLE TIME!!
Orange gets out to a lead. And then lots of shots of I think Julie's almost released from the buff tits. Orange gets to the puzzle first but Blue gets 'er done first. Jeff asks Natalie "what does it feel like to know your sister might be in trouble?" Blah blah blah. Jeremy tells Wes he owes him for taking care of his wife and he'll help him get back into the tribe. Apparently that tribe isn't a bunch of age discriminators.
On Orange, Val goes right to the watering hole looking for the idol. Right about where Dale found that little thang.
Nadiya is going on and on about Amazing Race. Dale knows how she played on AR and tells people "she was a backstabber then and will be again". He talks the guys into voting her out. Nadya talks to Josh. Tells him "I was already counting you as one of the girls", which apparently gay men do not like to hear.
Val wants a girl alliance. They want to take Dale out and Nadiya tells them "Josh is totally on board". Meanwhile, Baylor seeks out Josh because she "wants to vote how he votes". I have no idea where that came from but Josh realizes he's in the middle.
Tribal. Yea, yea, fire = life bullshit again.
JR says it's been a fast 3 days and things move quick. There isn't one obvious choice.
Nadiya: We're all getting along now so it's a big decision. I'm looking at attitudes and physical attributes (she clearly does not own a full length mirror) and I want people who are positive and want to keep going.
Josh: Yes, a positive tribe is a good thing.
Nadiya: Thank you for asking me AGAIN about Amazing Race, Jeff. It's so different because there are no directions and none of my "primal needs" are being met.
VAL says that Exile was stressful, and she didn't get to know many people. But Exile does provide a time to explore and FIND THINGS.....
Dale: Is it hard to be OLD? I just had to prove my worth which I did using my old man bifocals to make fire. It was a huge thing that I did making fire. Huge I tell ya.
Wes says that Josh is well liked. And he sings show tunes to drive the monkeys away.
Nadiya, Yes, I agree. Josh is able to go between the boys and girls......
Josh: I am a question vote!
Time to vote while we listen to monkeys have sex. Jeff just looks like, "it wasn't me this time".
Anyone have an idol?? Val hems and haws but nope.
And in the end, Nadiya is yet again first off of a reality show.
"The tribe is still finding itself". Namaste, Jeff.
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