Survivor China: Week 6

Is it me or did they freakin blow the budget on the tribal council temple, and have to basically pry a piece of plywood off the wall, write on the back of it "this is the immunity idol" and re-glue it back on?? What the heck? How do you walk around camp and to/from tribal with a big hunk of wood in your pocket? Hey, is that an immunity idol in your pants or are you glad to see Jeff??

Todd and Amanda hatch a plan to win the reward challenge and get the next clue for the immunity idol, that basically no one knows exists. Which reminds me, where the heck has Amanda been all show? Talk about under the radar, that girl is basically non-existent. Todd, on the other hand, is the self-designated puppet-master of Survivor China. What a laugh. I know some people like Todd, but I just don't see it. He's a skinny little weasel who thinks he's smarter than he is. I laugh out loud every time they flash his name and "flight attendant" next to it, because you KNOW you would die of thirst on a flight while he flirted with the other male attendants back in the galley. You can just see him saying, "um, NOOOO, we don't have any pillows or blankets for the 7 hour red eye. I gave them all out to the hottie in first class who promised me front row tickets to the Vegas Barry Mannilow show. Plus, what do you expect for $900, comfort??"

Reward Challenge: tribe members will run through a Chinese house, pulling puzzle pieces off the wall, and using a giant cereal decoder ring, unveil a saying made famous by Confucius. To which, Courtney probably said, "is that the guy who produces Survivor that I slept with?". Wanna know what you're playing for? A shared bath, a snack and the opportunity to take a dump in a western toilet.

PG confronts Sherea, who I believe she hated when they were team-mates, and tells her "we threw the challenge for you and Frosti". Yea, thanks for that but I think I'll try to get along with this STRONG, WINNING tribe I'm now on. Zhan Hu, even with a crafty Asian, fails to decode the puzzle, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" and Fei Long wins, kidnapping James back into the fold, which was a GREAT choice, once he steps in the open shower and proceeds to wash his massive butt crack. Mmm Mmm Mmm, talk about winning a snack!

After the bath, Todd sashays up to James and offers to save his life if he shares his bamboo tube. WHOA, this is a family show, Todd!! James opens the tube up and finds out there is an immunity idol and decides to work with Todd the mastermind.

Back at the camp, Todd and Amanda oh-so-smoothly start ripping wood off the set, which immediately gets Frosti interested. Who would have thought Frosti likes to trash public property! Frosti climbs up and joins in the vandalism, knocking the cheap-ass wooden idol off in the dirt. Todd has a hissy fit, further giving it away. Todd and Amanda are forced to bring Frosti into the fold, but then they go around and basically tell everyone about the idol anyway.

There's got to be another Confucius saying about scheming, because it NEVER works right in this game. Fei Long sends James back to Zhan with the big ol' piece of wood under his jacket with a stupid plan to lose the challenge, pull out the idol and then get rid of Jaime.

Ok, now I have to admit I usually don't mind these food challenges but I can't even write the words "chicken fetus" without getting the dry heaves. The teams square off and eat bad Chinese food. Frosti vs PG in a chicken heart eating contest, winner Frosti. Next up Courtney and Jaime and eels. Both chomp them down but Jaime does it quicker. Anyone else notice Courtney's uncanny ability to regurgitate 2 eels as if she does it anorexically every day?? Amanda and Erik up with 3 baby turtles, which I think PETA will once again have a problem with. Erik wins, and Denise is up against James, which one would think would be a slam dunk win for Fei Long. I'll skip how this went down, or didn't as the case may be. Final two-Frosti and Erik chow down on the famous thousand year egg, and Zhan Hu wins immunity.

Back at the camp, the decision is made to get rid of Sherea. Courtney goes on her never-ending tirade about Jean-Robert, and of course everyone ignores her. I'm still thinking you will one day see Courtney and Jean-Robert in a tryst, but for now she's still keeping up the "i hate him 'cause he hates me" front. At tribal council, Sherea tells JR that everyone hates him. Wow, that must hurt. But, in the end, Sherea becomes the 6th person voted off.

Survivor China Week 5

Aaaahhhh, sooooooo. Where are we this week?

I gotta jump right in and say the Zhan Hu tribe has to win the award for the stupidest in survivor history. Did they REALLY think they could pick up 2 strong members from the other team without having to give up 2 people?? Did none of them even THINK it was possible??

Nice little interlude with Jaime and Erik, especially touching to hear Erik has been saving himself all these years to give up his virginity on a national TV reality show. At least, I HOPE that's what's gonna happen. Nothing like hearing a guy like Erik's a virgin to get you to spill your guts on the immunity idol. Shit, I'd have given him my MAC pin code!

And, talk about WIERD moments, did I not hear James say he thought Denise, of all people, was attractive?? What is in the rice out there??? Where in the world would a mullet headed, flash-dance ripped shirt wearing lunch lady be considered attractive??? HOLY CRAP. Me thinks he's been digging graves too long.

And, what's FROSTI's story? I gotta go look it up, I can't even figure out his nationality (Japanese and Russian). The fact that Fei Long thinks he and Sherea are the strongest members of Zhan Hu tells the whole story! Here's a direct Frosti quote ""Zhan Hu and Fei Long just flipped! We’re now 7-5 instead of 5-7, and we have a huge advantage!" Idiots.

Back on Fei Long, James and Aaron are chosen, instead of the expected James and Jean-Robert, which puts JR in a total snit. Frankly, if I had to give up James and Aaron in exchange for Frosti and Sherea, I think I would throw myself in the fire pit.

No reward challenge this week, just the switch and a basket of food and drink for all. The next morning Fei Long wakes up and starts to bag on JR for working, and Sherea thinks she's died and gone to lazy heaven. Frosti, that crafty snowman, thinks JR might be the next target.

Prior to the immunity challenge, Jaime and PG dream up the idea of throwing the challenge to get rid of one of the two strongest members. Yea, you wouldn't want to actually KEEP someone who could win a challenge would ya?

Immunity challenge involving SWIMMING OUT TO A DOCK AND SWIMMING BACK. What a novel idea! Oh, did anybody else notice they had on swimsuits???? Either I was up refilling my wine glass or they didn't even comment on giving them back their suits.

This time, they have to dive down and un-spear 12 signs of the zodiac. Oh, did the chinese invent the zodiac too? The cultural lessons never end do they. Frosti and JR vs Erik and Aaron basically get the disks at about the same time, and haul them back to shore where James, PG and Jaime are waiting. Actually, PG and Jaime are playing cards and doin' each other's hair. Not to be OBVIOUS or anything! These 2 are laughing and screwing up the challenge so obviously even Jeff has to comment on it. I mean, c'mon, an Asian unable to do a puzzle? Who was she kidding.

Back at camp, they continue to act like idiots, laughing and basically giving it away. Erik confronts Jaime who tells him what they did. You know he wants to be mad and vote with the men but, damn she's a hot christian. HEY, notice Jaime didn't say, "me too" when the whole virginity thing came up!

Tribal council. Ok, whatever else happens here I just gotta say, Asians chicks SHOULD NOT try to wear buffs on their heads. It should just be a rule. James hears the girls threw the challenge and says, "send me home". YES, SEND JAMES HOME, NOT AARON!!!!!! PLEEEEAAAASSSEEE. Aaron is voted out. I'm guessing we're gonna see some real chinese fireworks when this tribe gets back.

Survivor China: Week 4

Man, is it me or is the censor going nuts this season? I wonder if, because they didn't get to chose their clothes, the show is being more careful with their modesty? Cause, they soft focused about 1 inch of Dave's butt crack last week, and I can see more than that walking down the street behind a dude with his pants hanging off his hips. Funny that butt crack is out of bounds, but you can show your entire breast as long as the nipple is covered. I've clearly given this a lot of thought, haven't I??

OK, how cool was the Jean-Robert/Courtney slap down? Like, that girl needs a little protein in her system to get over herself. JR told her not to touch the hot pot (maybe because he didn't want to see her holding her delicate little hands up in the air anymore) and she went nuts. I think I would have snapped her in half and thrown her on the fire as kindling. Can't BELIEVE she is still there and not in a ward with an IV in her arm.

Not to be outdone on irrational, we next get to see Sherea and Dave go at it over the moldy rice and throwing out some shells he wants for his mom. OK, that's kinda weird. Buy her a cheap painted porcelain kitty with a waving arm like everyone else does at the Beijing airport, Dave.

Up next, the continuation of our lesson in "what is China good for", we have a reward challenge with fireworks. I actually liked this challenge because it didn't involve swimming out somewhere and bringing something back from the lagoon like 99% of Survivor challenges do. This one looked kind of hard to do, carrying a flaming ball with large "chopsticks" into the "wok" to set off the "fireworks". WOW, 3 lessons in chinese culture in one challenge. Fei Long wins reward, which is chinese takeout delivered by a family. No labor laws in China, that's for sure!! Fei Long also gets to kidnap someone and they take Dave, of all people. Dave gets the "bamboo" (another chinese word!!) tube with the immunity idol clue and shares it with Todd.

Now, I'm sure Todd is a nice guy and all, but I just don't get what everyone sees in him. He seems like a little fairy to me but everyone seems to think he's so smart and trustworthy. Any comments??

Back at Zhan Hu, the losers have to actually get off their asses and do some work. Well, not all of them. Sherea takes it pretty easy. You'd think with all the work Dave did, the camp could go a day or two without a cleaning. Hell, my house is going on a couple months.

So, when the hell did Jean-Robert learn Mandarin Chinese to talk with the fisher-family? I almost dropped my drink when he came out with it. Like, "oh, yea, I learned a bit as a child and, like riding a bike, once you learn Chinese you never forget it." Um, isn't there like 10 bazillion characters in Chinese? I took Spanish for 5 years as a child and can't even remember the difference between an enchilada and a tamale. Not to be a bragger, but I still can ask where the library is.

OK, WHERE WAS PETA WHEN THIS EPISODE WAS AIRING??? Did they really tie strings around the birds necks so they couldn't swallow the fish? Holy crap. Notice they said the strings were loosely tied around their throats. Reeeaaaaallllyyyy. And, now, finally Denise says something ("a lunch cafeteria woman isn't much of an expert of food"), which reminds me I haven't gotten around to bagging on her. What's up with the mullet and the flash-dance outfit??

Immunity Challenge: Warrior's Duel. Possibly my favorite so far, mainly since the contestants HAD CLOTHES ON. Man, I am soooo tired of that bali support bra flapping in my face. But, were those ancient ming dynasty vases they were smashing?? I was impressed, Courtney managed to throw her rocks past her own shadow. Jaime kicked some serious butt (maybe she lived in China and played this in the schoolyard when SHE was a kid??)

Off to tribal council again for Zhan Hu. Lots of back and forth, but it just goes to show you that anal rigidity is worse than being a lazy bitch, as Dave goes back to bartending.

Survivor Update: Episode 3

First off, sorry for the missing episode 2 summary! Good bye Ashley, we hardly knew ya.

Ok, I gotta just jump right to the end here and say, there is one less Christian in communist China today. Anyone hear Leslie's final words? Um, not to knock the whole born again Christian thing, but is it me or do y'all really think the Lord is watching Survivor? Might explain the state of affairs in the world, but still. I just can't see Jesus sitting up on a puffy cloud, looking down and seeing Leslie is a little down and handing her the kidnapping and the special clue. First of all, if he was looking down, he woulda sent a few more fig leaves to this last episode.

Does Jean-Robert look like The Rock to anyone else?? What a character. Love the snuggling and snoring. And especially LOVED the "what's better than a million dollars-a million dollars and sex" comment. Where else but Survivor do you get men REALLY being themselves? Ya certainly don't hear any of that heartfelt honesty on Dr. Phil. I do, however, totally agree with him that Courtney is an anorexic. That chick is too skinny for day 7. They'll be airlifting her off the island before the merge.

And, speaking of Courtney and the anorexia, who else would believe a crab could be stretched to feed 8 people. She was probably looking around for Tupperware for the leftovers.

Hey, when Dave finally gets the boot do you think I can hire him to do a few chores around my house. DAMN, what woman couldn't use a man like THAT. And, PG, what's up with her and the nagging. You'd of thought she didn't want him to get too tired for sex or something. OOH, Dave, don't chop those little nuts, you'll waste your strength.

Reward challenge-a little man on man and woman on woman action going on. Damn, this is some good TV. How do you suppose you get the job as pixalator on this show? Maybe Jeff does it himself, although I wouldn't want to look at some of those bodies more than once. The Victoria Secret Angels Runway show it was not. Let me just ask the men here, why would you dangle yourself out in a wrestling match?? I mean, doesn't that just give your opponent a handle to grab? Or is that the point (wink wink).

Zhan Hu wins reward, and in an ironic twist, their reward comes with Leslie, who gets the tube of immunity clues. Is it me or do the others not ask anyone HEY, WHAT'S IN THE TUBE??? Once at their camp, the tribe sings Kumbaya and everyone is dunked into a pool of water to root out the real Christians, who float. Ok, I made that part up but this Christian thing gets on my nerves. Since Leslie was busy "showing the love of Christ", I guess she didn't realize she was spilling her tribe's guts. Leslie gives Jaime the immunity clue, lest it get into the hands of a NON-BELIEVER. Jaime can't quite find the idol, but I think tomorrow she's gonna put on her tinfoil hat and better direct God's words.

Immunity challenge. I think the challenge had to do with chopping ropes to get heavy wooden disks, assembling them and then dragging them over the finish line. But, basically it became a challenge of how long Courtney could roll her eyes and whimper about doing work. Man, she is so damn annoying. When she finally saws through the rope, the rest of her team HAULs ASS to make up for her. Unfortunately, it isn't enough and immunity goes to Zhan Hu.

At this point, I was SURE Courtney would be going, especially since she then spent the next 20 minutes of show time holding her limp useless hands up in front of everyone's face. Instead, the vote goes between Leslie and Jean-Robert, with Leslie sealing her own fate by rambling on about the other tribe's heart.

Go Phillies!!!