Wow, sorry it's taken me a week to write this. I was SO SHOCKED at Parvati winning that I jumped up, hit my head on the bookcase and have been laying unconscious since last Sunday. Good thing my husband ran out of clean underwear and came to find me or I'd still be there.
We start with a loooong recap, and reminisce about the all girl power/hormonal alliance. Lots of "let's stir the pot ladies" which is getting on my nerves and it's only 8:05. Ok, ok, you're witches. But we already knew that months ago.
Parvati and Natalie have a heart to heart, Cirie and Amanda spy on them from the beach. Cirie is getting a little paranoid. The four girls set off, ready to face each other in the challenge. Jeff is in shorts again. daaaammmmnnnnn.
Challenge: this is the perch on a log, raise a key, swim to shore, unlock a chest with ladder rungs that are some kind of puzzle pieces. Oh, wanna know what you're playing for? Personally I'm hoping it's a night of wild probsting, but alas Jeff is still sticking with that former Survivor tramp of his. Actually this is an immunity challenge. First one up on the platform WITH THEIR LADDER RUNGS INSERTED CORRECTLY wins. Natalie gets her key first, followed by Parvati. They rush off to the beach. Amanda gets her key, confirming once again to me that the presence of Cirie's breasts hinders her in challenges. Cirie gets her key.
Natalie gets an early lead with the ladder but Amanda wins the challenge and immunity. Back to camp and Natalie and Cirie both try to figure out where they fit into the final 3. Lots of scheming goes on. Most of it is boring. Hey, anyone else read in her biography that Natalie was once a missionary? Wonder if she saved or corrupted?
Tribal council, pretty standard "wow, I'm really worried these bitches will blindside me" talk. Cirie comments that it's scary wondering if it'll be a 3 person final or a 2 person final, and whether if it's 3 she'll be at the bottom of the totem pole. For some reason, Amanda gets her back all up on this and they have a little 'we've been spending waaaay too long together' spat. Natalie enjoys the show. In the end, though, the lone fan is voted off.
Back at camp, Amanda has a hissy fit, fights with Cirie (who is the bottom of the 3 person totem pole, frankly), cries about how she came right to Micronesia from China and hasn't had a decent American meal in way tooooo long (unless you count Ozzy...).
Next morning all is forgiven and they decide to let the chicken out. I forgot about the chicken. Clearly there is way too much food in Survivor these days. The chicken hangs around camp waiting for the next hormonal explosion. And, it comes pretty quick as they go to get what they think is their final meal, and instead find tree mail indicating they have to take that OH SO FRIGGIN BORING walk down memory lane and try to remember all the former Survivors whose ass they've kicked, and try to say something nice about them all. Me? I'd be like: Mikey B-loser, Chet-gay loser, Kathleen-crazy ass loser... Then they have to go to another immunity challenge. Amanda starts crying again.
Final Immunity Challenge: they have to balance a silver ball. Wow. I guess the balance a spoon on your nose challenge would have been too hard? Parv lasts about 2 minutes, mainly because SHE'S NOT THE BOTTOM OF THE TOTEM POLE (have you NOT been paying attention??). Cirie and Amanda take it to the end where Cirie loses concentration and Amanda wins immunity. Let's just skip to tribal council. Cirie is voted off.
The jury now gets to ask it's questions:
Eliza: Parv-are you a mean person? Um, nooooooo.
Jason: Amanda: were you in on Ozzy's vote off? Parv: do you have any redeeming qualities?
Alexis: P: what makes you a better role model for young girls (huh? shouldn't they be in bed by now?) A: what part of your game has been genuine?
Natalie: P: how does playing the flirt card translate into the bedroom (Eliza looks SHOCKED at this very weird question) and what are you doing later? A: was a glazed zombie pageant girl look your strategy? (no, actually that was Chet's strategy)
Eric: Rips A a new one, no question for Parv
James: A: you're da winner
Cirie: A: why that skank Parv?
Ozzy: Still truly hurt, bags on Parv. Still looooooovvvveeeesss Amanda, especially now that she's one step away from the million
Zoom. We're in LA for the reading of the votes. Jeff's hair looks like shit. Anyone else notice that? Pan over to Amanda. WHOA. She's been making up for missed meals. And, once again ladies, wearing fluorescent green DOES make you look larger than life. Final vote, by a 5 to 3 margin, Parvati wins immunity.
PS-is it me of did Johnny Fairplay's daughter look EXACTLY like a monkey?
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Survivor Update Week 13
Oh My Gawd. Just watched it last night and am still laughing.
Note: Wil and I have set up a Save the Eriks foundation to support ice cream scoopers who have become too old or stupid to scoop. For the price of a few betel nuts a day, you too can support an Erik by purchasing an electronic fence collar which will allow your Erik to live out his years in my backyard, free from the manipulations of females. Join today!
Ok, on to the show. Starts out with Erik saying, "at this point in the game I don't trust anybody". Hmmmm. Anyone notice Erik's beard? Like, this is 35 days growth people. I pluck more facial hair than that on any given day. Sorry, too much info?
Amanda and Erik discuss reward (how they know you will be able to take someone, I don't know), and Amanda promises to take Erik if she wins. They also decide to send Parv to Exile because she's too stupid and lazy to look for the idol.
Reward Challenge: Survivor Jeapordy-questions on former Survivor seasons. I actually found this impossibly hard.
Q1: Which season had a castaway with a pet snake: Pearl Islands (Rupert)
Q2: Which season had a shark bite: Allstars (Richard). I didn't remember Richard biting a shark.
Q3: Which season had one survivor ask another to pee on them: This surprised me since I didn't realize there was a Survivor: R. Kelly but apparently the real answer was Marqueses, when John asked Kathy for the urine assist
Q4: Which season had a survivor evacuated by fire: Australia. Back when men were men and only real injuries got you off the island
Q5: Which season had 4 tribes: Exile. AKA Survivor: Race Card
Erik, who watches a lot of TV in his bedroom at his parent's house, wins reward and takes Amanda. Wanna know what you're playing for? A helicopter ride, massages and a foot treatment. Huh. Guess the authentic Micronesians were all at their day office jobs. Erik announces, "I've never been to a spa before". Which gets added to the list of nevers for him, including being intimate with a woman, eating betel nut, and eating in a restaurant that doesn't have a clown on the menu. "Maybe that's part of being a man. Being an Ice Cream Man instead of an Ice Cream Boy." Well said, Ice Cream Boy. Dream Big. Cause, there's nothing better to be than an aging weirdo Ice Cream Man leering at the little boys.
Parv gets sent to Exile. We see no footage of her on Exile since she probably slept with the camera crew. Hey, have I mentioned that Parv is a "charity organizer"? WTF?? What kind of charities would she organize-finding used Prada purses for those without?
Cirie and Nat go back to camp. Nat-the-jugular-flosser is fuming that Erik took Amanda and not her. It doesn't help that Cirie is flaming the fire and gettin' her going. I LOVE Cirie. I want to be her friend.
Erik and Amanda return to camp. Nat wants to bitch slap Erik. I want her too. Pulllleeeeaaaaaaz. DO IT.
All the women trade stories and find out that Erik has used a different story on each of them, WHICH IS TOTALLY SHOCKING ON SURVIVOR. Frankly, it used to be pretty normal male behavior at the bar at Casa Maria when I was in my 20's.
Immunity Challenge. WAIT-IS JEFF PROBST WEARING BERMUDA SHORTS ?? Holy CRAP. He is even HOTTER than I thought in the long safari pants. Man, I'd do him Micronesian style.
Okaaaay. The challenge is a dig a puzzle, do complex geometry with ropes, dig another puzzle, do complex geometry using avagadro's number, dig another puzzle. Yea, don't know what happened during this part because my eyes glazed over and I was still thinkin' about a little Probsting. Anyhoo, Erik wins immunity, cause his mathematical skills have been honed lining the scoop up with the cone all these many years.
The women go back to camp, put on their long black robes and stand around the black kettle plotting his death. They decide to trick Erik out of his necklace.
Tribal Council. Holy crap, what the heck is Ozzy wearing? Is it Cinco de Mayo out in Micronesia?? Or are all of the authentic made in Mexico serapes now made in Micronesia? Can't see if James is still on life support. la la la la, tribal council. Jeff: Erik, I'm assuming you are keeping the necklace since only a pussy would give it up at this point, hahahaha. Erik: Well, actually Jeff, I am a total pussy and am giving my necklace to Natalie as a sign of my utter pussiness.
Cut to the jury, where Eliza looks SHOCKED. And, everyone else is laughing their asses off. 16th person voted off is Erik. And as they say in the dog show world, may the best bitch win!
Note: Wil and I have set up a Save the Eriks foundation to support ice cream scoopers who have become too old or stupid to scoop. For the price of a few betel nuts a day, you too can support an Erik by purchasing an electronic fence collar which will allow your Erik to live out his years in my backyard, free from the manipulations of females. Join today!
Ok, on to the show. Starts out with Erik saying, "at this point in the game I don't trust anybody". Hmmmm. Anyone notice Erik's beard? Like, this is 35 days growth people. I pluck more facial hair than that on any given day. Sorry, too much info?
Amanda and Erik discuss reward (how they know you will be able to take someone, I don't know), and Amanda promises to take Erik if she wins. They also decide to send Parv to Exile because she's too stupid and lazy to look for the idol.
Reward Challenge: Survivor Jeapordy-questions on former Survivor seasons. I actually found this impossibly hard.
Q1: Which season had a castaway with a pet snake: Pearl Islands (Rupert)
Q2: Which season had a shark bite: Allstars (Richard). I didn't remember Richard biting a shark.
Q3: Which season had one survivor ask another to pee on them: This surprised me since I didn't realize there was a Survivor: R. Kelly but apparently the real answer was Marqueses, when John asked Kathy for the urine assist
Q4: Which season had a survivor evacuated by fire: Australia. Back when men were men and only real injuries got you off the island
Q5: Which season had 4 tribes: Exile. AKA Survivor: Race Card
Erik, who watches a lot of TV in his bedroom at his parent's house, wins reward and takes Amanda. Wanna know what you're playing for? A helicopter ride, massages and a foot treatment. Huh. Guess the authentic Micronesians were all at their day office jobs. Erik announces, "I've never been to a spa before". Which gets added to the list of nevers for him, including being intimate with a woman, eating betel nut, and eating in a restaurant that doesn't have a clown on the menu. "Maybe that's part of being a man. Being an Ice Cream Man instead of an Ice Cream Boy." Well said, Ice Cream Boy. Dream Big. Cause, there's nothing better to be than an aging weirdo Ice Cream Man leering at the little boys.
Parv gets sent to Exile. We see no footage of her on Exile since she probably slept with the camera crew. Hey, have I mentioned that Parv is a "charity organizer"? WTF?? What kind of charities would she organize-finding used Prada purses for those without?
Cirie and Nat go back to camp. Nat-the-jugular-flosser is fuming that Erik took Amanda and not her. It doesn't help that Cirie is flaming the fire and gettin' her going. I LOVE Cirie. I want to be her friend.
Erik and Amanda return to camp. Nat wants to bitch slap Erik. I want her too. Pulllleeeeaaaaaaz. DO IT.
All the women trade stories and find out that Erik has used a different story on each of them, WHICH IS TOTALLY SHOCKING ON SURVIVOR. Frankly, it used to be pretty normal male behavior at the bar at Casa Maria when I was in my 20's.
Immunity Challenge. WAIT-IS JEFF PROBST WEARING BERMUDA SHORTS ?? Holy CRAP. He is even HOTTER than I thought in the long safari pants. Man, I'd do him Micronesian style.
Okaaaay. The challenge is a dig a puzzle, do complex geometry with ropes, dig another puzzle, do complex geometry using avagadro's number, dig another puzzle. Yea, don't know what happened during this part because my eyes glazed over and I was still thinkin' about a little Probsting. Anyhoo, Erik wins immunity, cause his mathematical skills have been honed lining the scoop up with the cone all these many years.
The women go back to camp, put on their long black robes and stand around the black kettle plotting his death. They decide to trick Erik out of his necklace.
Tribal Council. Holy crap, what the heck is Ozzy wearing? Is it Cinco de Mayo out in Micronesia?? Or are all of the authentic made in Mexico serapes now made in Micronesia? Can't see if James is still on life support. la la la la, tribal council. Jeff: Erik, I'm assuming you are keeping the necklace since only a pussy would give it up at this point, hahahaha. Erik: Well, actually Jeff, I am a total pussy and am giving my necklace to Natalie as a sign of my utter pussiness.
Cut to the jury, where Eliza looks SHOCKED. And, everyone else is laughing their asses off. 16th person voted off is Erik. And as they say in the dog show world, may the best bitch win!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Survivor Update Episode 12
Yo! Gotta get this in today before the next episode of Survivor: Microbiology airs. Man, what a total cesspool. So, we start with poor James getting medical treatment for his cut finger-and is that an iv in his arm?? Female doc yammering on about the threat of infection to his hand, and you know James works with his hands. Huh. I would have thought he used a shovel for diggin da graves.
James returns to camp and tells everyone he has to see how his hand does overnight. Break for a commercial from our sponsor Charmin. Ya mean these people are getting toilet paper this time around?? Anyone listen to the Charmin tagline-"fewer pieces left behind". Man, what genius thought that one up? I hesitate to think pieces of what we are talking about.
Ok, back at the island of doom, reward challenge: questions about your team-mates. This time, if you get one right you get to smash a really really cool puppet. I was expecting to hear they were made by authentic micronesian puppetmakers. Wonder where the Jeff puppet was. Oh, that's right, he's hosting Survivor.
Wanna know what you're playing for? Bring out the families and let's see whose granny has died recently. Oh, that's right, Johnny Fairplay is gone. I hear his g'friend had the baby and surprisingly it only had one head. So, winner gets to swim with their loved one at the FAMOUS (stingless) jellyfish lake. Um. Does it come with antibiotic scrub at the end?
Here's the summary:
Who does the most for the tribe-James
Who never shuts up-Parvati
Who mistakenly thinks they are in control of the game-Parvati
Who is the most honest-Alexis
Who is the least likely to be invited to a family dinner-James (now, I'm not saying it's racism but haven't these people ever seen "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner"??)
Alexis wins reward and gets to pick 2 other people to join her-she picks Cirie and Natalie and sends Amanda to Exile Island. After the challenge James's hand gets looked at and it appears he is in immediate danger of death, so he leaves the game. Hmmm. Is it me or is this female doctor taking a lot of the men out of the game? And, HELLO, Alexis is limping around with a tourniquet on her leg and no medic is called.
Off to Exile, Amanda finds all the clues because basically there's now a book in the little ocean hut that says, "here's the clues, dumbasses" on the cover. Drat. The idol is hidden back at camp.
So, we get to see the winners swim with a lot of jellyfish, which looks like snot and makes me a little nauseous.
Next morning Alexis tells Parv that her leg really hurts, and Parv jumps the hell right on that telling her, "Oh, we'll just vote you off and cut you out of the million bucks so you can get a little ace bandage on it". Alexis tries to backpedal. Lots of other girl on girl backstabbing is beginning. Lots of talk about what to do if Erik wins immunity. Lots of nutin.
Immunity Challenge. This one totally cracked me the hell up. Basically they seemed to have blown their budget on the puppets and dug up (probably literally) a bazillion year old "high powered" rifle that they take turns shooting at bottles of colored water. And, were they the same colors used in the colored water over their heads standing challenge?? We'll never know since I don't care enough to analyze it. Fortunately this is not a running challenge and Alexis has a shot. Unfortunately she is a lousy shot and hits nothing.
Natalie ("I'd floss with his jugular vein") is a crack shot and gets 2 hits but Erik wins immunity with 3. Everyone returns to camp (JEFF-WHAT ABOUT ALEXIS' KNEE?????).
Back at camp, everyone wants to know if Amanda found the idol, and she assures them she did not, even emptying out her bag. She does, however, tell Parv that the idol is hidden at camp. Natalie and Alexis have decided to target Amanda, and they convince Cirie and Erik to join them. While everyone sits down to dinner, Amanda takes a break to dig around camp a little. Hey, is it me or did Natalie steal a piece of the immunity idol for her neck? Check out her new necklace tonight.
Tribal Council. James enters the jury with a damn IV pole as his date. DAMN. Eliza has her constant surprised look.
Lots of yammering, Amanda pleading her case with Erik. Lemme go count (and organize for the most dramatic effect) the votes. Anyone with the hidden idol should play it now. Um, Jeff? I happen to have a little piece of authentic micronesian immunity idol that I found at camp. BAM. What a great moment in Survivor history!! Amanda saves herself and Alexis is the next person on the jury. She'll probably be brought in in traction next week.
James returns to camp and tells everyone he has to see how his hand does overnight. Break for a commercial from our sponsor Charmin. Ya mean these people are getting toilet paper this time around?? Anyone listen to the Charmin tagline-"fewer pieces left behind". Man, what genius thought that one up? I hesitate to think pieces of what we are talking about.
Ok, back at the island of doom, reward challenge: questions about your team-mates. This time, if you get one right you get to smash a really really cool puppet. I was expecting to hear they were made by authentic micronesian puppetmakers. Wonder where the Jeff puppet was. Oh, that's right, he's hosting Survivor.
Wanna know what you're playing for? Bring out the families and let's see whose granny has died recently. Oh, that's right, Johnny Fairplay is gone. I hear his g'friend had the baby and surprisingly it only had one head. So, winner gets to swim with their loved one at the FAMOUS (stingless) jellyfish lake. Um. Does it come with antibiotic scrub at the end?
Here's the summary:
Who does the most for the tribe-James
Who never shuts up-Parvati
Who mistakenly thinks they are in control of the game-Parvati
Who is the most honest-Alexis
Who is the least likely to be invited to a family dinner-James (now, I'm not saying it's racism but haven't these people ever seen "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner"??)
Alexis wins reward and gets to pick 2 other people to join her-she picks Cirie and Natalie and sends Amanda to Exile Island. After the challenge James's hand gets looked at and it appears he is in immediate danger of death, so he leaves the game. Hmmm. Is it me or is this female doctor taking a lot of the men out of the game? And, HELLO, Alexis is limping around with a tourniquet on her leg and no medic is called.
Off to Exile, Amanda finds all the clues because basically there's now a book in the little ocean hut that says, "here's the clues, dumbasses" on the cover. Drat. The idol is hidden back at camp.
So, we get to see the winners swim with a lot of jellyfish, which looks like snot and makes me a little nauseous.
Next morning Alexis tells Parv that her leg really hurts, and Parv jumps the hell right on that telling her, "Oh, we'll just vote you off and cut you out of the million bucks so you can get a little ace bandage on it". Alexis tries to backpedal. Lots of other girl on girl backstabbing is beginning. Lots of talk about what to do if Erik wins immunity. Lots of nutin.
Immunity Challenge. This one totally cracked me the hell up. Basically they seemed to have blown their budget on the puppets and dug up (probably literally) a bazillion year old "high powered" rifle that they take turns shooting at bottles of colored water. And, were they the same colors used in the colored water over their heads standing challenge?? We'll never know since I don't care enough to analyze it. Fortunately this is not a running challenge and Alexis has a shot. Unfortunately she is a lousy shot and hits nothing.
Natalie ("I'd floss with his jugular vein") is a crack shot and gets 2 hits but Erik wins immunity with 3. Everyone returns to camp (JEFF-WHAT ABOUT ALEXIS' KNEE?????).
Back at camp, everyone wants to know if Amanda found the idol, and she assures them she did not, even emptying out her bag. She does, however, tell Parv that the idol is hidden at camp. Natalie and Alexis have decided to target Amanda, and they convince Cirie and Erik to join them. While everyone sits down to dinner, Amanda takes a break to dig around camp a little. Hey, is it me or did Natalie steal a piece of the immunity idol for her neck? Check out her new necklace tonight.
Tribal Council. James enters the jury with a damn IV pole as his date. DAMN. Eliza has her constant surprised look.
Lots of yammering, Amanda pleading her case with Erik. Lemme go count (and organize for the most dramatic effect) the votes. Anyone with the hidden idol should play it now. Um, Jeff? I happen to have a little piece of authentic micronesian immunity idol that I found at camp. BAM. What a great moment in Survivor history!! Amanda saves herself and Alexis is the next person on the jury. She'll probably be brought in in traction next week.
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