Tonigggghhhhhttttt, tonigggghhhhhtttt won't be just aaaaany night, as toniggggghhhhhtttttt Sash is gonna win me the poooooool.
Yo, what up? Can you believe we're already at the end of this loooong, drawn out and frankly not that interesting season? My baby will be flying his military helicopter out to Spring City tonight with that fake wooden vote box tucked tightly in that overly developed biceps arm, with his dark blue shirt on. Mmmmmm.
But first a recap and 2 hours of show tonight. Not to mention the post show where Jeff will RIP into ohnoyoudon't and Kelly.
So, Wednesday night. Sash is all, "i'm in control". Kiss of death, Sash.
Fabio gets his close up: "They think I'm more gullible and stupid than I really am. Next couple of days will be funny when they realize how smart I really am". Um, OR NOT FABIO.
Tree mail comes with a cell phone. Oh, sorry, I am contractually required to say it is a SPRINT CELL PHONE. EVO 4G to be specific. It takes pictures and videos. And, get this, it has a clock!!! "To fill your belly you'll have to be first".
Challenge: I'm calling it almost dark blue. He is such a dimpled little tease. Dear Santa, I have been a very very bad girl...
The winner of today's challenge will set sail, eat a meal...WITH YOUR LOVED ONES who all come running out.
JESUS CHRIST. These moms are so damn young and hot. WTF?? What happened to old ladies being moms??
Chase: mom is young
Fabio: again, young mom
Sash: mom
Dan: son Matthew
Jane's daughter
Holly's husband-"we missed our 25th anniversary for this" Ohhh, good one. Wonder if it's true??
The challenge is: Survivors run into the water for 2 bags of PUZZLE PIECES and then their loved ones solve the word puzzle. Gee, you think the word FAMILY is gonna be in the puzzle??
Dan is really really slow running out to get his puzzle pieces. Fabio and Chase are first in. Chase's mom gets the puzzle, "Family Comes First".
Chase gets to chose someone to go with him. hahaha, Do Not Fuck This One Up. Sash, would you like to come?? LOL. You can also chose another person.......
Chase chooses Holly and her husband. Dan's son is upset, "He's a scumbag". Fabio is all crying because he 'only gets to see his mom twice a year'. Why? Is she in prison?? Get your ASS home to see yo Momma boy.
Back at camp, Fabio is mad, and is having a cry feast. Jane's upset, "he told me he was taking me". "I'm #4 in my alliance"
On the boat, the Survivors are grubbing it. Their loved ones are too grossed out by their smell and probably how scary they are stuffing their faces to eat anything. "Final 3 is right here babeeee". Chase finds the final clue to the immunity idols but they already have them.
Back at camp, it's late and everyone is asleep. Fabio takes on Chase. Chase apologizes but Fabio doesn't buy it.
Day 36. Challenge: Light Blue, He better not be shagging one of those hot mammas.
Survivors will be blindfolded and have to go over/under a hitching post, use their hands to figure out a puzzle and bring back pieces to do some shield thing. It seems hard but I kept thinking there were outlines on the puzzle board? Dan is totally lost in the wilderness. Man, if he is playing the "not a threat and not that smart game" he's a total genius.
Fabio thinks he has it? No, but he redoes it and wins immunity!!! He is a mensa member, I can just feel it.
Fabio tells Chase Jane has to go. He won't do it. Chase, Sash and Holly talk. Jane. Chase doesn't want to do it. So, as I yelled at the TV, LET CHASE VOTE FOR SOMEONE ELSE FOR CHRIST SAKE. Jane walks up to them all, "Is it Dan??" Crickets. "Is it me???" Chase asks the others, "is that what YOU ALL want?" Sash: "We all think you can win it". SHUT THE HELL UP SASH. haha, I think we can safely not count her jury vote for Sash...
Jane goes all nuts, throwing water on the fire. I STARTED IT, I'LL PUT IT OUT. She is one tough old lady. But ya gotta like it.
Tribal, lighter blue. Bah Humbug.
Let's bring in the Jury with mad Benry.
Dan, crazy afternoon? Yes, Jeff, your crew told you right, Jane dashed the fire.
Jane: HELL YEA. I started that fire. There is no loyalty here, they are all liars and backstabbers. End of Story.
Jeff: haha, I think beginning of story...
Jane in full Witches of Macbeth mode: Holly, $1400 stolen shoes, had a 4 way alliance with me, screwed me.
Chase: she was in our alliance but she would have won it all
Jeff, who's next? Dan and Fabio, whichever doesn't get immunity.
Dan and Fabio nod.
Fabio-are you hearing this?? Why not their own alliance?
Jane: Right, why not us 3 vote Holly off??
Dan, That would make sense...
Fabio: It's crazy but, yes it would make sense.
Holly: now, now, we all came here with a plan...
Chase: I'm sooo confused.
Time to vote. Anyone want to play an idol?? Both Chase and Sash almost break their legs to play them. Jane is voted off.
Good luck all tonight, and don't get too upset when SASH wins the moooooola for me.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Amazing Race: Finale Tonight!
YO YO YO. Where are you planning to be when HISTORY IS QUITE POSSIBLY MADE? When young woman everywhere can breath easier when the glass ceiling of an ALL GIRL team winning Amazing Race is smashed?? (WTF-why do they call it an all girl team??) Forget the presidency, or a significant portion of fortune 500 company presidencies, WE GOT THE RACE!!! Woohooo. Ladies, let's all celebrate by burning our spandex bike shorts!!
Ok. I feel better now. This fake milestone in the history of woman is killing me. Yes, it would be interesting if an all WOMAN team won. But we're still gonna be in 2 wars on Monday morning, and women are still gonna be paid less.
Let me begin with a correction that I am SHOCKED, SHOCKED I TELL YOU, my eagle eyed readers missed. The tattoo team incurred a 6 hour penalty for not completing the boat task, not a 30 minute one as I said in my last email. I knew no one read it... So, they're screwed with a 6 hour penalty unless it's one of those, the plane leaves at midnight tonight thing. But, frankly, I think they were so late anyway it might not matter. Plus they have a bump or a hump or whatever that thingy you have to do if you are in a non-elim leg. Thank GOD they no longer have to put all their underpants on at once to step on the mat.
Hong Kong. The docs are the first to leave at 4:37 pm. Fly to Seoul, SOUTH KOREA and drive to a bridge close to the NORTH KOREA border. Ok, I gotta say it, the friggin contestants on the Amazing Race understand which Korea is our ally and none of them are considering a run for celebrity-in-chief. Heck of a job, Sarah. But I digress. Right about now y'all should have started playing the "DMZ" drinking game. Because the fact that they were going to the VERY RISKY, VERY BAAAAD border with NORTH Korea, which is baaaaad baaaaad baaaaaad, was gonna be shoved down your throat. And, this was taped before the shootin' began.
Home shopping leaves next in f'ed up matching outfits. Like hot pink shirts and matching gym socks from the 80's. Plus, they have sparkly, jazzy hair shit. They go to a hotel to make travel arrangements. Plane leaves at 12:25 am. They decide to have a cuppa coffee while waiting for the concierge to make their arrangements. I thought this might bite them in the azzz but nope.
At the airport, instead of enjoying $20 cups of coffee, the Docs con a nice gentleman into buying them a travel guide to Korea. He's very charming. I'd have slept with him for a travel guide. Just sayin'.
The Tatts finally get out of time out and arrive at the airport just as the 12:25 am flight leaves. YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOO SCREWED NOW. They have a 9:30 am departure. Buh bye.
More political situation chatter. In South Korea. The Docs get lost. But find the bridge. They have to do river rafting, then find a humvee to take them to a MILITARY BASE. On the SOUTH KOREA SIDE I hope. Because, you know, NORTH KOREA is not a US ally. All 3 viable teams are close.
At the base, it's a roadblock. Martial arts training. Teams need to match a headband with KOREAN writing on it to one worn by a soldier. When they get the right one, the soldier will perform a KICK ASS martial arts action to break a board and provide the next clue. Thomas goes first and gets it right. Brooke gets it wrong once.
After this, teams have to find the World Cup Stadium in Seoul. THEY HAVE TO TAKE THE SUBWAY. Thomas finishes and they are off, Brooke finishes, then Kat. Jill and Thomas are on the first train. And, can I point out how GREAT the public transportation is in all of these countries?? Infrastructure, baby, infrastructure. HSN and the Docs are on the second train.
At the stadium, it's a Detour: full throttle or full bottle. In full throttle, teams must suit up and "speed" skate 24 laps. In full bottle teams must go to some market, deliver 6 giant ginseng roots in bottles.
Claire can't skate but agrees, kinda passively-aggressively if you ask me, to do the speed skating. THEY TAKE A CAB TO THE RINK. Jebuz ladies, can you NEVER read the clues?? They beat Jill and Thomas to the rink, and JT spend the rest of the show trying to figure out how they got there first.
Right about now the Tatts arrive in Seoul. I'm not even gonna cover them anymore, Toast.
HSN does the skate thing, followed quickly by Jill and Thomas. Find your next clue at Han Riverside Park-some airplane sculpture. Jill starts to ask people where the park is while Thomas yells at her, "You can't ask old people". WOW. I hope they don't win. HSN get to the park first: make your way to the Pitt.
HSN are first to arrive BUT they have incurred a 30 minutes penalty for taking the cab. They have to sit on the curb and wait.
Jill/Thomas get a lame cab driver. They decide to bolt to another cab. "Oh good, a YOUNG driver".
Jill and Thomas are team #1 and win a trip to Argentina. HSN are team #2 and ARE IN THE RACE TO BE THE FIRST ALL GIRL TEAM. Docs are team #3 and ARE IN THE RACE TO BE THE FIRST ALL GIRL TEAM TO WIN THE AMAZING RACE. They would also be the first doctor team, but whatever.
Tatts are pushed across the DMZ (drink) into NORTH KOREA and are now cleaning Kim Jong Ill's jeeps. Or that's what it looked like to me anyway. They are eeeeeeeliminated, In his losing interview, Boy Tatt says he is "a changed man" because of the race. Uhuh, he'll be back verbally abusing Girl Tatt within 24 hours.
CONGRATS TO THE FINALISTS AND GOOD LUCK!!!!!
Ok. I feel better now. This fake milestone in the history of woman is killing me. Yes, it would be interesting if an all WOMAN team won. But we're still gonna be in 2 wars on Monday morning, and women are still gonna be paid less.
Let me begin with a correction that I am SHOCKED, SHOCKED I TELL YOU, my eagle eyed readers missed. The tattoo team incurred a 6 hour penalty for not completing the boat task, not a 30 minute one as I said in my last email. I knew no one read it... So, they're screwed with a 6 hour penalty unless it's one of those, the plane leaves at midnight tonight thing. But, frankly, I think they were so late anyway it might not matter. Plus they have a bump or a hump or whatever that thingy you have to do if you are in a non-elim leg. Thank GOD they no longer have to put all their underpants on at once to step on the mat.
Hong Kong. The docs are the first to leave at 4:37 pm. Fly to Seoul, SOUTH KOREA and drive to a bridge close to the NORTH KOREA border. Ok, I gotta say it, the friggin contestants on the Amazing Race understand which Korea is our ally and none of them are considering a run for celebrity-in-chief. Heck of a job, Sarah. But I digress. Right about now y'all should have started playing the "DMZ" drinking game. Because the fact that they were going to the VERY RISKY, VERY BAAAAD border with NORTH Korea, which is baaaaad baaaaad baaaaaad, was gonna be shoved down your throat. And, this was taped before the shootin' began.
Home shopping leaves next in f'ed up matching outfits. Like hot pink shirts and matching gym socks from the 80's. Plus, they have sparkly, jazzy hair shit. They go to a hotel to make travel arrangements. Plane leaves at 12:25 am. They decide to have a cuppa coffee while waiting for the concierge to make their arrangements. I thought this might bite them in the azzz but nope.
At the airport, instead of enjoying $20 cups of coffee, the Docs con a nice gentleman into buying them a travel guide to Korea. He's very charming. I'd have slept with him for a travel guide. Just sayin'.
The Tatts finally get out of time out and arrive at the airport just as the 12:25 am flight leaves. YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOO SCREWED NOW. They have a 9:30 am departure. Buh bye.
More political situation chatter. In South Korea. The Docs get lost. But find the bridge. They have to do river rafting, then find a humvee to take them to a MILITARY BASE. On the SOUTH KOREA SIDE I hope. Because, you know, NORTH KOREA is not a US ally. All 3 viable teams are close.
At the base, it's a roadblock. Martial arts training. Teams need to match a headband with KOREAN writing on it to one worn by a soldier. When they get the right one, the soldier will perform a KICK ASS martial arts action to break a board and provide the next clue. Thomas goes first and gets it right. Brooke gets it wrong once.
After this, teams have to find the World Cup Stadium in Seoul. THEY HAVE TO TAKE THE SUBWAY. Thomas finishes and they are off, Brooke finishes, then Kat. Jill and Thomas are on the first train. And, can I point out how GREAT the public transportation is in all of these countries?? Infrastructure, baby, infrastructure. HSN and the Docs are on the second train.
At the stadium, it's a Detour: full throttle or full bottle. In full throttle, teams must suit up and "speed" skate 24 laps. In full bottle teams must go to some market, deliver 6 giant ginseng roots in bottles.
Claire can't skate but agrees, kinda passively-aggressively if you ask me, to do the speed skating. THEY TAKE A CAB TO THE RINK. Jebuz ladies, can you NEVER read the clues?? They beat Jill and Thomas to the rink, and JT spend the rest of the show trying to figure out how they got there first.
Right about now the Tatts arrive in Seoul. I'm not even gonna cover them anymore, Toast.
HSN does the skate thing, followed quickly by Jill and Thomas. Find your next clue at Han Riverside Park-some airplane sculpture. Jill starts to ask people where the park is while Thomas yells at her, "You can't ask old people". WOW. I hope they don't win. HSN get to the park first: make your way to the Pitt.
HSN are first to arrive BUT they have incurred a 30 minutes penalty for taking the cab. They have to sit on the curb and wait.
Jill/Thomas get a lame cab driver. They decide to bolt to another cab. "Oh good, a YOUNG driver".
Jill and Thomas are team #1 and win a trip to Argentina. HSN are team #2 and ARE IN THE RACE TO BE THE FIRST ALL GIRL TEAM. Docs are team #3 and ARE IN THE RACE TO BE THE FIRST ALL GIRL TEAM TO WIN THE AMAZING RACE. They would also be the first doctor team, but whatever.
Tatts are pushed across the DMZ (drink) into NORTH KOREA and are now cleaning Kim Jong Ill's jeeps. Or that's what it looked like to me anyway. They are eeeeeeeliminated, In his losing interview, Boy Tatt says he is "a changed man" because of the race. Uhuh, he'll be back verbally abusing Girl Tatt within 24 hours.
CONGRATS TO THE FINALISTS AND GOOD LUCK!!!!!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Survivor Update: Warm and Dry at the Motel 6
Man OH man, was that not the BEST episode of this season??? I mean, C'mon even you men have to admit that a wet Jeff Probst is the best thing EVER. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I had to go back and take a picture of the TV during tribal. Holy hotness!!!!!!!! And, even my husband is happy since I found that Jeff Probst face mask at Halloween. HOURS OF FUN, let me tell you.
So, the show. And, for the record, I don't do rehash. We all paid attention over the many weeks, we don't need to see it all over again. And, frankly, there was too much rehash this week!! yadda yadda yadda, Brenda is gone. Move on.
9 left..... Kelly had no idea what was gonna happen last time around. Kelly is not really that bright. She's upset that Chase, NaO and Sash turned on her.
Holly is all now, one sleeve on, one sleeve off NOT INTO NAO. hahaha. "I didn't listen to Brenda when she was bad mouthing you last tribal, but I shoulda".
Chase and NaO want to blindside Sash. But, alas, today is gonna be about self imploding.
NaO hates rain and cold. Uhuh. I kinda remember some BITCH phys ed teacher, kinda named Miss Cook, who made us go out in the rain. So, SUCK ON IT. She's apparently anemic. hahaha. Kelly is just a pussy and is all crying about the weather. They're both squawking about quitting. Benry and Fabio (aka the brain trust)-Hey, let 'em both quit!!!
NaO must be serious, she gives the idol to Chase.
Medium Blue Challenge: It's a TOTAL CHEESY ASS MOVIE PROMOTION CHALLENGE. Pushing the new Jack Black movie, Gulliver's Travels. And, can I be frank?? Jeff cannot pronounce Gulliver correctly. ACK, a flaw!!!!!!!!!!!!
So the challenge is to drag a giant 8' Gulliver doll through an obstacle course. Wanna know what you're playing for?? The chance to see the movie, and contractually you need to like it, and eat movie shit.
2 Teams: Yellow is Fabio, Sash, Jane and Holly. Blue is Holly, NaO, Chase and Benry. Dan gets to chose and aligns himself with blue. He also gets to sit in a freakishly large chair.
Blue wins. NaO tells my honey she wants to quit. He's pissed ( and maybe not because he promised Mark Burnett a certain # of episodes). Anyone else? Kelly wants to quit too. Honey is really pissed. Ima gonna have to do that back flip thing he likes to cheer him up.
Jeff: NaO, you don't seem like a quitter...and Kelly, you gonna walk away too?? He ain't happy, gives them this afternoon to think about it. IN THE MEANTIME..... any of you winners (cough cough NaO) want to give up reward for a tarp and more rice for the tribe?? Dead silence. Holly gives it up. Chase tried to tell NaO to do it instead but nope. BITCH.
Back at camp, Holly is the hero. You rock!!! She talks to Kelly, 'you need to suck it up and try harder". Kelly: I'm cold and hungry. Holly: "I got your ass a tarp and rice" Kelly: I got nothing else to suck".
At the Cinema: why eat the damn no protein candy?? Pound the dogs in. Chase is not in the NaO fan club. They all rave about the confy chairs and pretend to like the movie. Benry wants NaO to go now.
Camp: Are Kelly and NaO changing their minds??? The sun is out...
Tribal: OMFG, JEFF IS SO DAMN WET AND HOT. I really do not care what happens as long as I can watch him for the next 15 minutes. Seriously.
Holly: When I wanted to quit Jimmy J helped me.
Jane: these young kids need to hang in there
NaO: Jeff when it rains my joints hurt (FYI Dan's face here was friggin priceless) She also says she's the only African American left. Like, what the fuck does that matter?? You're ass is gonna be the only AA to quit the game.
The jury is PISSED.
Kelly: the weather is making my skinny ASS body break down.
Benry: I don't like quitters
Fabio: is it an age thing?? No, it's a mental, willpower thing, Plus, Jeff, I'm too stupid to be cold.
NaO: Reward was GREAT, I loved today and loved going out with a bang.
Jeff: NaO, did you have a shot at winning? Yes, based upon my drive... my charm...
The Jury is laughing at her.
Jeff: I offered the tarp and rice, why didn't you take it NaO? Are you a selfish motherf*&ker? ( I love when Jeff talks dirty...)
NaO: No, I worked hard and deserved it.
Chase: I'd have given it up had I been quitting.
Jane: Life is hard, these young kids don't have a clue. They are showing no drive. People out in the real world are playing the real survivor game (AMEN SISTER).
Jeff: I'ma gonna ask your dumb asses one more time.
NaO I quit
Kelly I quit.
Jeff: what should I do with your torches? NaO "I guess they get SMUFFED Jeff. hahahahahha.
Jeff smuffs their torches but leaves them at tribal as a reminder. BUT THEY ARE ALLOWED TO JOIN THE JURY, WHICH IS BULLSHIT.
So, the show. And, for the record, I don't do rehash. We all paid attention over the many weeks, we don't need to see it all over again. And, frankly, there was too much rehash this week!! yadda yadda yadda, Brenda is gone. Move on.
9 left..... Kelly had no idea what was gonna happen last time around. Kelly is not really that bright. She's upset that Chase, NaO and Sash turned on her.
Holly is all now, one sleeve on, one sleeve off NOT INTO NAO. hahaha. "I didn't listen to Brenda when she was bad mouthing you last tribal, but I shoulda".
Chase and NaO want to blindside Sash. But, alas, today is gonna be about self imploding.
NaO hates rain and cold. Uhuh. I kinda remember some BITCH phys ed teacher, kinda named Miss Cook, who made us go out in the rain. So, SUCK ON IT. She's apparently anemic. hahaha. Kelly is just a pussy and is all crying about the weather. They're both squawking about quitting. Benry and Fabio (aka the brain trust)-Hey, let 'em both quit!!!
NaO must be serious, she gives the idol to Chase.
Medium Blue Challenge: It's a TOTAL CHEESY ASS MOVIE PROMOTION CHALLENGE. Pushing the new Jack Black movie, Gulliver's Travels. And, can I be frank?? Jeff cannot pronounce Gulliver correctly. ACK, a flaw!!!!!!!!!!!!
So the challenge is to drag a giant 8' Gulliver doll through an obstacle course. Wanna know what you're playing for?? The chance to see the movie, and contractually you need to like it, and eat movie shit.
2 Teams: Yellow is Fabio, Sash, Jane and Holly. Blue is Holly, NaO, Chase and Benry. Dan gets to chose and aligns himself with blue. He also gets to sit in a freakishly large chair.
Blue wins. NaO tells my honey she wants to quit. He's pissed ( and maybe not because he promised Mark Burnett a certain # of episodes). Anyone else? Kelly wants to quit too. Honey is really pissed. Ima gonna have to do that back flip thing he likes to cheer him up.
Jeff: NaO, you don't seem like a quitter...and Kelly, you gonna walk away too?? He ain't happy, gives them this afternoon to think about it. IN THE MEANTIME..... any of you winners (cough cough NaO) want to give up reward for a tarp and more rice for the tribe?? Dead silence. Holly gives it up. Chase tried to tell NaO to do it instead but nope. BITCH.
Back at camp, Holly is the hero. You rock!!! She talks to Kelly, 'you need to suck it up and try harder". Kelly: I'm cold and hungry. Holly: "I got your ass a tarp and rice" Kelly: I got nothing else to suck".
At the Cinema: why eat the damn no protein candy?? Pound the dogs in. Chase is not in the NaO fan club. They all rave about the confy chairs and pretend to like the movie. Benry wants NaO to go now.
Camp: Are Kelly and NaO changing their minds??? The sun is out...
Tribal: OMFG, JEFF IS SO DAMN WET AND HOT. I really do not care what happens as long as I can watch him for the next 15 minutes. Seriously.
Holly: When I wanted to quit Jimmy J helped me.
Jane: these young kids need to hang in there
NaO: Jeff when it rains my joints hurt (FYI Dan's face here was friggin priceless) She also says she's the only African American left. Like, what the fuck does that matter?? You're ass is gonna be the only AA to quit the game.
The jury is PISSED.
Kelly: the weather is making my skinny ASS body break down.
Benry: I don't like quitters
Fabio: is it an age thing?? No, it's a mental, willpower thing, Plus, Jeff, I'm too stupid to be cold.
NaO: Reward was GREAT, I loved today and loved going out with a bang.
Jeff: NaO, did you have a shot at winning? Yes, based upon my drive... my charm...
The Jury is laughing at her.
Jeff: I offered the tarp and rice, why didn't you take it NaO? Are you a selfish motherf*&ker? ( I love when Jeff talks dirty...)
NaO: No, I worked hard and deserved it.
Chase: I'd have given it up had I been quitting.
Jane: Life is hard, these young kids don't have a clue. They are showing no drive. People out in the real world are playing the real survivor game (AMEN SISTER).
Jeff: I'ma gonna ask your dumb asses one more time.
NaO I quit
Kelly I quit.
Jeff: what should I do with your torches? NaO "I guess they get SMUFFED Jeff. hahahahahha.
Jeff smuffs their torches but leaves them at tribal as a reminder. BUT THEY ARE ALLOWED TO JOIN THE JURY, WHICH IS BULLSHIT.
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