I just know that somewhere, in the bowels of ABC Pimps and Ho's Entertainment Division, the President is signing a huge ass bonus check to whoever recruited Michelle for this season. Even better that it appears she had an affair with...someone in sports. Who was married. Don't ask me who, I really don't care that much to go look it up again. And since they don't show the last names of these hookers, her full name is "Michelle Money". I freaking kid you not. Seriously? That's her porn name, right?
Ok. This week starts with, surprise, Michelle with a black eye. She has no idea where it came from. Uhuh. Me thinks that vibrator was on the highest setting last night. Those babies can really jump out of your hand. Um, I read that in Reader's Digest. Anyway, she "just woke up" with a black eye.
Chris comes in to announce yet again an group pity date and 2 intimate experiences. Chris is in a plaid shirt. No, Chris. No.
Chantel (the one who spells it right, is that O?) gets the 1/1. "How deep is your lurve?" Wow, the bachelors usually don't find that out until the "share the suite" date.
Brad walks in to take Chantel outta the nuthouse. Michelle barks, "I have a black eye". Very uncomfortable couple of minutes. We're waiting for our ride. A helicopter arrives for their date. Wonder if anyone in her family ever died in a helicopter accident? The date is to walk on the bottom of the ocean floor. Wonder if anyone in her family has ever drowned?? She's afraid of water. Me too, but I find gin straight up works just as well. They do the underwater thing, they go to some outdoor Arabian night tent place, talk about her ex husband (still alive unfortunately) and they kiss. "I owe you an apology for slapping you that first night" "I love your playfulness" not to mention rough sex... It starts to rain. They run into the tent which conveniently has a bed in it. She apparently puts out and gets a rose.
Back at the ranch, the group date arrives. Michelle isn't included. She's freaking out, she's sooooo stressed.
Group date. It's freakish. They take a limo to a radio taping of Dr. Drew's Love Line. In case you live under a rock, this is Dr. Drew from Celebrity Rehab and my favorite, Celebrity Sex Rehab. Seriously, that is some effed up stuff. Which makes me wonder about Brad...
Brad and Dr. Drew chat live. Brad " I'm mainly concerned with compatibility" The ladies can't hear, but then Dr D brings them in. "Ladies, who has cheated". DAMN, no dinner first?? Stacey admits to it in college. The rest are liars. It's all psycho mumbo jumbo. Brad " I want to be myself". Ashley H "that's hard". Blah blah blah. I took the dog for a walk about now.
Dinner. It's a fight to get 1/1 time. Alli gets it and Ashley S steals him. They are all being 'engaging".
Back at ho-ville, date note. SHIT, it's for Michelle. "Let's hang out together". She is all freaking out because her note doesn't have the word love in it. Crazy time.
Ashley H (dentist) "I'll be devastated if I don't get 1/1 time". Britt (who the hell is Britt??) gets a kiss. Ashley H is freaking. She interrupts the make out session. She has turned into a bitch, surprising even me. They seem to not be getting along this week. In the hot tub, Brad has the rose. He takes Britt and leaves with the rose. Ashley: "I think I ruined what Brad and I had".
Next day, Ashley is still in meltdown mode. Michelle is mad. "It's my day. I don't want to hear it". Brad shows up and asks to talk to Ashley before they leave for their date. Oh no you didn't. Michelle is mad. "It's my day". Brad " I had to talk to you Ashley. We had an amazing first date...you amaze me. I don't want to lose what we had for 2 hours. You excite me...We have something real". OH GAG. Michelle: "She's getting 30 minutes of my date...look at my eye, if I don't get a rose because he's thinking of her I will elbow her in the face".
Date-she's still pissed off. They go to his house. Another helicopter arrives. "We're going to repel down the building for dinner". WTF?? She's afraid of heights. She does it, they kiss half way down. Totally GAY music is playing. "I need you Brad". Brad: "It was an overwhelming bonding experience". They jump in the pool, kisssssss. She gets a damn rose. "I can see my life with Michelle working out well". He is a freaking idiot.
Ding ding ding, cocktail party. My notes sucked so bad I had to go watch this horror again. Brad wants to spend time with ladies he hasn't gotten time to fondle this week. Chantal is falling for him (drink). Brad is one step closer to meeting his wife. I am one step closer to upchucking.
He pulls Shantall out. She feels all secure and good. Brad is glad because 1) they have a connection and 2) it's one less woman to go all wack on him. "I think our thing is going to be I count to 3 and jump in your arms and you kiss me". Ugh, that is going to get annoying. Kiss.
He pulls out Meghan. Seriously there are too many dark haired ladies for me to keep track of them. Brad " I admire who you are, and that you don't get all crazy in the hot tub but I keep wanting to know who you are". " I know, I have a wall up but that is good sometimes. Some of these girls are freaking crazy loons, who go on one date with you and cry for a week" Brad: "You need to own up and put out more".
Emily is looking sad. And very vapid. Seriously, she is not a deep thinker I believe. She hadn't seen Brad much. He comes in and asks to talk to her. He ways, "I have something for you (I'll bet you do, Brad...)" and he pulls out a basket with pillows and blankets. And just like that a major shit storm hits. Meee-freaking-ooooowwwww time.
Seriously the other ho's are on major freak out mode. IT'S NOT FAIR, IT'S LIKE HE THOUGHT OF HER IN ADVANCE AND PLANNED TO SEE HER". He's really into her, I'm a FOOL, a FOOL I tell you! Why not me???
Michelle "Pffft, If I hadn't had the best date ever I'd be jealous".
Brad recreates the vineyard date which he says was perfect but I remember she didn't talk during the vineyard part. Anywhoo. "I missed you" " I missed you too" "I think about you a lot" "I think about you a lot too". Jesus, she's a parrot. "I had a great time on our date" "I had a great time too". I'm starting to think the old fiance cut the gas lines to that plane to get outta this. "How's your little girl" I seriously expected her to say, "Great, how is yours?" But no, she rambles on that she left presents for every day she would be gone, so her daughter is OK with her being gone. He loves this. Yawn.
Chantal starts to cry. She interrupts his time with poor pathetic Ashley H. "I'm upset... I'm seeing you make connections with other women, like we are on some show where you date a lot of women and pick one". "The women you pick are all mentally unstable and now I think I am too sane for you, so I am going to act all unstable tonight". Brad: "Be confident! You are everything I haven't been with in the past (is that even a real sentence??). Trust me, I'm man enough to get there. She mocks him. "I love that you bust my balls" Kisssss.
Ding ding ding. Rose time.
Already holding roses: Chantell, Michelle and Britt.
Will you accept?
Ashley S
Alli
Emily
Shantell
Lisa (who the hell is Lisa???)
Jackie
Marissa
and finally poor pathetic Ashley H.
Leaving is Meghan, who didn't put out, Stacey who cheated in college and Lindsey, who I have no idea who she is.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Most Depressing Bachelor Episode EVAH
OMG, make it stop. Is this the saddest most pathetic, dead person memorial of a season ever?? Not since the Olympics have I heard so many damn tragic stories. Poor Brad even had to have an emergency crisis therapy session in the middle of the episode.
This week, 1 group shame date, 2 individual dates. No rose, no sleeping with the other ho's.
Date card...Ashley S (nanny) "Let's find our lurve song". This even sounds bad. Ashley proclaims, "I'm getting kissed tonight", which sounds a whole lot better than, "I might be getting herpes from one of those other ladies he has kissed tonight".
Ooh, Michelle is a hater!! Gotta have at least one of them a season. Seriously, I'd be removing the knives from the drawers.
Brad (who, yes Tess, NEVER SMILES) says Ashley makes him feel comfortable. Ah, yes, ladies, we love to be told we make someone feel comfortable, don't we??
The big date...is at Capital Records (owned by ABC perhaps??), where they get to sing "Kiss From A Rose". OMGAAAZZZZZZ, THAT SONG REMINDS ME OF MY DEAD FATHER (Spoiler alert, y'all want to drink at the words "dead father"). They sing. They suck, but she made him feel comfortable while he sucked. Then...off to a concert with Seal singing the real song. Kinda nice. "I'm falling for Brad" (for you newbies, this line is ALWAYS CAUSE TO SLAM SOME ALCOHOL DOWN YOUR GULLET). Then to the rooftop dinner. "My dad and I used to sing that song together, and now he's DEAD (slurp). He had a brain aneurysm and DIED. DEAD I tell you, DEAD. Brad is thinking, "maybe I shouldn't have this girl up on the 35th floor of a building..."
Next up, group date. "Love Hurts". Not if you use one of the many new K-Y products, just a tip. Michelle is crying because she doesn't get a 1 on 1. They go to a movie set and I gotta tell you how upset I was that they were doing an action film, NOT porn. Although perhaps that would be redundant. He wants an ACTIVE girl. I'm thinking the girl in the white who is more worried about pit stains isn't gonna be the one. Lots of martial arts moves, Michelle is hating on everyone, and then Shawntel is really kicking ass. She gets to rescue Brad, who is in bondage (shirtless) , and give him a big hot kiss. Michelle can't watch (we finally agree on something). We do get to hear all about the fireworks that are gonna erupt when Michelle gets her saliva swap.
The ladies and Brad then head over to a rap partay. Into the pool! And then the fight for 1 on 1 time is on. Chantal O pulls him over. "I don"t want to put any pressure on you...but let me pressure you". She starts crying. Brad "tell me your worst mistake" COMING ON THIS SHOW!!!!!!! OMFG she starts telling Brad she hadn't talked to her Dad in 15 years, and then she called her stepmom and HE WAS DEAD!!! DEAD I TELL YOU, DEAD!!! Seriously by this point I was laughing out loud. "I'm falling for this man" . Drink about 5 times on this 1 on 1.
Ooh, back at the house, Emily gets the date box. 'Love is intoxicating". Emily shares her story of her boyfriend's DEATH and her subsequent pregnancy with his baby with the ladies. Christ, I agree with Madison-Fangs, "that trumps any dead person story I have".
Back to the fun fun fun party. Alli has 1/1 in a glass enclosed room. They start talking about I think their lack of sexual chemistry, and Michelle the stalker comes in to the room. "When you're done..." and then she stands there and plays a countertop like it's drums. LOL. Psyyyyycho.
He talks to her. "I feel selfish for leaving my daughter...I want to know if I'm doing the right thing, whoring myself out on national TV for a man". Am I doing the right thing??? Hint hint hint, say it's me now. He basically kisses her to shut her up. "He's mine"
Ok, I think I walked the dog here because the next thing I know he is going down and getting a rose and I am screaming at the teevee NOOOOOOO. But Shawntel gets the rose. Whew.
Emily's date. They go for a drive to a private jet. And she fails to yell out, "OMG my boyfriend DIED in one of those". So they get on and she's all weird. They fly to Santa Maria and have a really bad picnic. She isn't talking. "Tell me about you" "Nothing special". He keeps pushing, she says something stupid like, "I get cranky when I'm tired..." "My only other relationship was my best friend. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME..." Very uncomfortable to watch.
Commercial
Now they are in a barn for dinner. "I gotta tell him". "So, yo, here's the shizzle, I was in love once, BEST MAN EVER, way better than you, and his plane crashed AND HE WAS DEAD, DEAD I TELL YA, and then I was preggers with his kid, so now I am the happy mom of a 5 year old girl WHOSE DAD IS DEAD. Jeeezuz. Brad, never one for fun, "loves her even more". Well played, my lady, well played. She gets a rose.
Mini therapy session..."make the girls feel comfortable". Ahhhh, yes, instead of creeping them out. Good suggestion.
Cocktail party. Alli is wrapped up like a present for him. A VERY ugly, baggy present. Her parents are divorced, her dad cheater, introduced her to a half sister"... Brad is thinking, "AT LEAST YOUR DAD IS ALIVE". He tells her "I've never cheated on a woman". How about a man??
Michelle the h8er "Can I have you?? It bothers me that you talk to other girls". Shawntel in leopard. Brad: "I didn't open up back to you and I let you down". Michelle the h8er stalks back into the picture. "you and I are in a fight. I shared my kiss with you and now I find out you kissed other girls". Honey, the show is called the bachelor. "I don't want you to pursue anyone else..." Brad likes this. Kill me now.
Madison is wrapped in a blanket and crossing names off a list I believe. She gets her 1/1, takes off her fangs (Roooooxanne) and basically says, "I don't have a pathetic story, just a pair of fake fangs, I don't want to take you away from any of the real pathetic losers who only have one chance left in their life for lurve".
Ashley H (last week's winner): "I'm good (in that I am soooo not good voice) but it's hard here. Don't keep me unless you feel like you like me. " She gives him a cheek kiss. Ooooh. He leaves but comes back and gives her a big kiss.
Chris enters. Thank god. Ladies, time for roses.
First off, who wants to leave?? No one.
First rose goes to the h8er, Michelle. Obviously the ABC pick of the week.
Then Chatell O.
Wait, fang walks out!! They talk, she leaves. "I was a fake from the start". Brad gets a drink, downs it, goes outside, comes back...Drags this most dramatic rose moment out way too long.
Roses: Lisa, Jackie, Ashley H, Marissa, Britt, Lindsey, Meghan and Stacey.
Out: Vampire, Kimberly and Sarah P.
See ya next time, ladies!
This week, 1 group shame date, 2 individual dates. No rose, no sleeping with the other ho's.
Date card...Ashley S (nanny) "Let's find our lurve song". This even sounds bad. Ashley proclaims, "I'm getting kissed tonight", which sounds a whole lot better than, "I might be getting herpes from one of those other ladies he has kissed tonight".
Ooh, Michelle is a hater!! Gotta have at least one of them a season. Seriously, I'd be removing the knives from the drawers.
Brad (who, yes Tess, NEVER SMILES) says Ashley makes him feel comfortable. Ah, yes, ladies, we love to be told we make someone feel comfortable, don't we??
The big date...is at Capital Records (owned by ABC perhaps??), where they get to sing "Kiss From A Rose". OMGAAAZZZZZZ, THAT SONG REMINDS ME OF MY DEAD FATHER (Spoiler alert, y'all want to drink at the words "dead father"). They sing. They suck, but she made him feel comfortable while he sucked. Then...off to a concert with Seal singing the real song. Kinda nice. "I'm falling for Brad" (for you newbies, this line is ALWAYS CAUSE TO SLAM SOME ALCOHOL DOWN YOUR GULLET). Then to the rooftop dinner. "My dad and I used to sing that song together, and now he's DEAD (slurp). He had a brain aneurysm and DIED. DEAD I tell you, DEAD. Brad is thinking, "maybe I shouldn't have this girl up on the 35th floor of a building..."
Next up, group date. "Love Hurts". Not if you use one of the many new K-Y products, just a tip. Michelle is crying because she doesn't get a 1 on 1. They go to a movie set and I gotta tell you how upset I was that they were doing an action film, NOT porn. Although perhaps that would be redundant. He wants an ACTIVE girl. I'm thinking the girl in the white who is more worried about pit stains isn't gonna be the one. Lots of martial arts moves, Michelle is hating on everyone, and then Shawntel is really kicking ass. She gets to rescue Brad, who is in bondage (shirtless) , and give him a big hot kiss. Michelle can't watch (we finally agree on something). We do get to hear all about the fireworks that are gonna erupt when Michelle gets her saliva swap.
The ladies and Brad then head over to a rap partay. Into the pool! And then the fight for 1 on 1 time is on. Chantal O pulls him over. "I don"t want to put any pressure on you...but let me pressure you". She starts crying. Brad "tell me your worst mistake" COMING ON THIS SHOW!!!!!!! OMFG she starts telling Brad she hadn't talked to her Dad in 15 years, and then she called her stepmom and HE WAS DEAD!!! DEAD I TELL YOU, DEAD!!! Seriously by this point I was laughing out loud. "I'm falling for this man" . Drink about 5 times on this 1 on 1.
Ooh, back at the house, Emily gets the date box. 'Love is intoxicating". Emily shares her story of her boyfriend's DEATH and her subsequent pregnancy with his baby with the ladies. Christ, I agree with Madison-Fangs, "that trumps any dead person story I have".
Back to the fun fun fun party. Alli has 1/1 in a glass enclosed room. They start talking about I think their lack of sexual chemistry, and Michelle the stalker comes in to the room. "When you're done..." and then she stands there and plays a countertop like it's drums. LOL. Psyyyyycho.
He talks to her. "I feel selfish for leaving my daughter...I want to know if I'm doing the right thing, whoring myself out on national TV for a man". Am I doing the right thing??? Hint hint hint, say it's me now. He basically kisses her to shut her up. "He's mine"
Ok, I think I walked the dog here because the next thing I know he is going down and getting a rose and I am screaming at the teevee NOOOOOOO. But Shawntel gets the rose. Whew.
Emily's date. They go for a drive to a private jet. And she fails to yell out, "OMG my boyfriend DIED in one of those". So they get on and she's all weird. They fly to Santa Maria and have a really bad picnic. She isn't talking. "Tell me about you" "Nothing special". He keeps pushing, she says something stupid like, "I get cranky when I'm tired..." "My only other relationship was my best friend. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME..." Very uncomfortable to watch.
Commercial
Now they are in a barn for dinner. "I gotta tell him". "So, yo, here's the shizzle, I was in love once, BEST MAN EVER, way better than you, and his plane crashed AND HE WAS DEAD, DEAD I TELL YA, and then I was preggers with his kid, so now I am the happy mom of a 5 year old girl WHOSE DAD IS DEAD. Jeeezuz. Brad, never one for fun, "loves her even more". Well played, my lady, well played. She gets a rose.
Mini therapy session..."make the girls feel comfortable". Ahhhh, yes, instead of creeping them out. Good suggestion.
Cocktail party. Alli is wrapped up like a present for him. A VERY ugly, baggy present. Her parents are divorced, her dad cheater, introduced her to a half sister"... Brad is thinking, "AT LEAST YOUR DAD IS ALIVE". He tells her "I've never cheated on a woman". How about a man??
Michelle the h8er "Can I have you?? It bothers me that you talk to other girls". Shawntel in leopard. Brad: "I didn't open up back to you and I let you down". Michelle the h8er stalks back into the picture. "you and I are in a fight. I shared my kiss with you and now I find out you kissed other girls". Honey, the show is called the bachelor. "I don't want you to pursue anyone else..." Brad likes this. Kill me now.
Madison is wrapped in a blanket and crossing names off a list I believe. She gets her 1/1, takes off her fangs (Roooooxanne) and basically says, "I don't have a pathetic story, just a pair of fake fangs, I don't want to take you away from any of the real pathetic losers who only have one chance left in their life for lurve".
Ashley H (last week's winner): "I'm good (in that I am soooo not good voice) but it's hard here. Don't keep me unless you feel like you like me. " She gives him a cheek kiss. Ooooh. He leaves but comes back and gives her a big kiss.
Chris enters. Thank god. Ladies, time for roses.
First off, who wants to leave?? No one.
First rose goes to the h8er, Michelle. Obviously the ABC pick of the week.
Then Chatell O.
Wait, fang walks out!! They talk, she leaves. "I was a fake from the start". Brad gets a drink, downs it, goes outside, comes back...Drags this most dramatic rose moment out way too long.
Roses: Lisa, Jackie, Ashley H, Marissa, Britt, Lindsey, Meghan and Stacey.
Out: Vampire, Kimberly and Sarah P.
See ya next time, ladies!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Bachelor: Cha Cha Cha Changes
I like to think the coversation went like this:
Ring ring
Hello, ABC, how may I direct your call?
My name is Brad Womack and I'd like to speak to someone in the ABC Pimp Department
Just a sec, honey, I'll connect you
Wait, wait, are you single??? click.
Good afternoon, Pimps and Ho's Department, How can we take advantage of you?
Hello, this is Brad Womack. The Bachelor who gave you the Deanna season? Yes, that Brad. Listen, I'm a changed man. I've been to change therapy, and I got an ancient symbol of change tatoo on my back.
Uhuuuuuuuh
Listen, ever since I was on your show I get slapped in public. I mean, forget about getting laid, I can't even get a date. I need you to help me.
And, what would you like us to do for you, Brad? You did turn your back on section 28.1 of your contact which requires you to propose to a woman on the show, and pretend to like her for at least 5 days post rose ceremony.
I know, and I'm sorry about that. But, my dad never showed up one day to take me fishing when I was 9, and I didn't realize that was making me a fuckwit until I was therapy-ized. But, now I seen the light, and I want another chance to find lurve.
Lurve?
Yes, lurve, that kinda fake emotional connection, somewhere between lust and love, that allows you to make out and never really tell a girl how you feel, cause that would be giving away the ending. Lurve.
I see. Actually, the man we were going to have as the Bachelor, a Mr. Heffner, just announced his engagement, and since there are no other single, straight men in America, when would you like to start filming, Brad?
And so we find ourselves yet again watching Brad trying to find the elusive lurve. Brad gets a second crack at 30 cracks, shall we say. Lots of changed man discussions, lots of justifying why Brad was a fuckwit last time around, and lots of shirtless running on the beach (note to ABC: do not show Brad jogging. He looks like a caveman). Ahhh, the sit down on the couch with the mac daddy of all pimps, Chris Harrison. Yadda, yadda I'm so sorry, I know I hurt those two classy ladies. If only I could apologize to them..... Well, Brad, you are in luck!! They are here to rub their engagement rings in your face and continue the humiliation. Um, say what? They're here? Oh joy. hahahahaha. How excited was Brad!!
Ok, next up, meet the Ho's. Little overview of some of the more promising ones...
Ashley from Phila, who is a Dentist but wants to be an elf
Shawntel N who is a funeral director
Ashley S a southern daddy's girl. She's a big crier.
Chantel O-Seattle car dealer. She's d-d-d-d-divorced. C'mon, you didn't think ABC was going to waste any virgins on Brad did ya??
Michelle is a single mom, a hair stylist and, frankly, desperate. How do you explain this to your little daughter? "Mommy's gonna go hoar herself out to get you a daddy, honey. Wish me luck!"
Raichel, who is a manscaper. hahahahahah. Has wax machine, and does travel. Seriously, just the thought will make Brad's testicles crawl up and away.
Meghan is apparently a fashion plate. Or just a shopaholic. You decide.
And, perhaps my favorite of the season... Madison. Who is a vampire.
6 limos, 5 girls in each. And, can I just start out by saying, who knew Fashion Bug carried such a wide variety of tacky prom dresses this season. It's just one ho after another dragging their polyester dresses over the wet pavement. C'mon, ABC, hire someone to mop! God, my notes on this are endless. We have the slapper, the one who jumps into his arms (didn't watch the season), the pinky-swear-you-won't-break-my-heart girl, the VERY COLD high school history teacher, bad dressers, bad hairstyles, a rockette who really worked the street, red shoes from Kansas, "J" who is apparently smart enough to not use her real name, and, even a girl who can't snap her fingers! WOWZA. The clown circus in in town!!
Chris: Is your wife in there?? Brad: Yes, sir, absolutely. At least my first wife.
Typical mixer, although no one (other than me) got really really drunk. The manscaper waxes his wrist, Jackie sings, someone in a green dress asks if he can handle her big ass, the girls steal him, steal him back, steal him again, get him stolen.
The black widow gets her time. Very cryptic. I have lurved and lost. Uhuh.
Ahhhh, he sits with the vampire. He finally asks her what is up with the fangs. She is totally insane, but I am guessing ABC gets a few vetos on who goes home tonight. "Are you serious about being here, Fang?" She's evasive but is totally serious. Spoiler alert-he ends up keeping her. Yea, he's looking for a wife. LOL.
First impression rose goes to Ashley S, the southern belle who wants to be his friend and confidant. She seems sincere. Uhuh.
Ding ding ding: time for the rose ceremony.
Will you accept a rose?
Michelle
Kimberly
Fang
Emily
Raichel
Keltie (rockette-she can get her ankles over her head. Nuff said)
Ashley H
Meghan
Lisa M
Lindsey
Allie (Is my Butt to big?? No but your tits are...)
Sarah P
Marissa
Britt
Stacey
Shantel M
Jackie
Melissa
Brad, you have one rose left.
Shantell O.
Boooohooooooo. Losers? Don't let the door hit you in the ass.
Ring ring
Hello, ABC, how may I direct your call?
My name is Brad Womack and I'd like to speak to someone in the ABC Pimp Department
Just a sec, honey, I'll connect you
Wait, wait, are you single??? click.
Good afternoon, Pimps and Ho's Department, How can we take advantage of you?
Hello, this is Brad Womack. The Bachelor who gave you the Deanna season? Yes, that Brad. Listen, I'm a changed man. I've been to change therapy, and I got an ancient symbol of change tatoo on my back.
Uhuuuuuuuh
Listen, ever since I was on your show I get slapped in public. I mean, forget about getting laid, I can't even get a date. I need you to help me.
And, what would you like us to do for you, Brad? You did turn your back on section 28.1 of your contact which requires you to propose to a woman on the show, and pretend to like her for at least 5 days post rose ceremony.
I know, and I'm sorry about that. But, my dad never showed up one day to take me fishing when I was 9, and I didn't realize that was making me a fuckwit until I was therapy-ized. But, now I seen the light, and I want another chance to find lurve.
Lurve?
Yes, lurve, that kinda fake emotional connection, somewhere between lust and love, that allows you to make out and never really tell a girl how you feel, cause that would be giving away the ending. Lurve.
I see. Actually, the man we were going to have as the Bachelor, a Mr. Heffner, just announced his engagement, and since there are no other single, straight men in America, when would you like to start filming, Brad?
And so we find ourselves yet again watching Brad trying to find the elusive lurve. Brad gets a second crack at 30 cracks, shall we say. Lots of changed man discussions, lots of justifying why Brad was a fuckwit last time around, and lots of shirtless running on the beach (note to ABC: do not show Brad jogging. He looks like a caveman). Ahhh, the sit down on the couch with the mac daddy of all pimps, Chris Harrison. Yadda, yadda I'm so sorry, I know I hurt those two classy ladies. If only I could apologize to them..... Well, Brad, you are in luck!! They are here to rub their engagement rings in your face and continue the humiliation. Um, say what? They're here? Oh joy. hahahahaha. How excited was Brad!!
Ok, next up, meet the Ho's. Little overview of some of the more promising ones...
Ashley from Phila, who is a Dentist but wants to be an elf
Shawntel N who is a funeral director
Ashley S a southern daddy's girl. She's a big crier.
Chantel O-Seattle car dealer. She's d-d-d-d-divorced. C'mon, you didn't think ABC was going to waste any virgins on Brad did ya??
Michelle is a single mom, a hair stylist and, frankly, desperate. How do you explain this to your little daughter? "Mommy's gonna go hoar herself out to get you a daddy, honey. Wish me luck!"
Raichel, who is a manscaper. hahahahahah. Has wax machine, and does travel. Seriously, just the thought will make Brad's testicles crawl up and away.
Meghan is apparently a fashion plate. Or just a shopaholic. You decide.
And, perhaps my favorite of the season... Madison. Who is a vampire.
6 limos, 5 girls in each. And, can I just start out by saying, who knew Fashion Bug carried such a wide variety of tacky prom dresses this season. It's just one ho after another dragging their polyester dresses over the wet pavement. C'mon, ABC, hire someone to mop! God, my notes on this are endless. We have the slapper, the one who jumps into his arms (didn't watch the season), the pinky-swear-you-won't-break-my-heart girl, the VERY COLD high school history teacher, bad dressers, bad hairstyles, a rockette who really worked the street, red shoes from Kansas, "J" who is apparently smart enough to not use her real name, and, even a girl who can't snap her fingers! WOWZA. The clown circus in in town!!
Chris: Is your wife in there?? Brad: Yes, sir, absolutely. At least my first wife.
Typical mixer, although no one (other than me) got really really drunk. The manscaper waxes his wrist, Jackie sings, someone in a green dress asks if he can handle her big ass, the girls steal him, steal him back, steal him again, get him stolen.
The black widow gets her time. Very cryptic. I have lurved and lost. Uhuh.
Ahhhh, he sits with the vampire. He finally asks her what is up with the fangs. She is totally insane, but I am guessing ABC gets a few vetos on who goes home tonight. "Are you serious about being here, Fang?" She's evasive but is totally serious. Spoiler alert-he ends up keeping her. Yea, he's looking for a wife. LOL.
First impression rose goes to Ashley S, the southern belle who wants to be his friend and confidant. She seems sincere. Uhuh.
Ding ding ding: time for the rose ceremony.
Will you accept a rose?
Michelle
Kimberly
Fang
Emily
Raichel
Keltie (rockette-she can get her ankles over her head. Nuff said)
Ashley H
Meghan
Lisa M
Lindsey
Allie (Is my Butt to big?? No but your tits are...)
Sarah P
Marissa
Britt
Stacey
Shantel M
Jackie
Melissa
Brad, you have one rose left.
Shantell O.
Boooohooooooo. Losers? Don't let the door hit you in the ass.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
