Bachelor Week 4: Meow Mix.

I just know that somewhere, in the bowels of ABC Pimps and Ho's Entertainment Division, the President is signing a huge ass bonus check to whoever recruited Michelle for this season.  Even better that it appears she had an affair with...someone in sports.  Who was married.  Don't ask me who, I really don't care that much to go look it up again.  And since they don't show the last names of these hookers, her full name is "Michelle Money".  I freaking kid you not.  Seriously?  That's her porn name, right? 

Ok.  This week starts with, surprise, Michelle with a black eye.  She has no idea where it came from.  Uhuh.  Me thinks that vibrator was on the highest setting last night.  Those babies can really jump out of your hand.  Um, I read that in Reader's Digest.  Anyway, she "just woke up" with a black eye. 

Chris comes in to announce yet again an group pity date and 2 intimate experiences.  Chris is in a plaid shirt.  No, Chris.  No. 

Chantel (the one who spells it right, is that O?) gets the 1/1.  "How deep is your lurve?"  Wow, the bachelors usually don't find that out until the "share the suite" date. 

Brad walks in to take Chantel outta the nuthouse.  Michelle barks, "I have a black eye".  Very uncomfortable couple of minutes.  We're waiting for our ride.  A helicopter arrives for their date.  Wonder if anyone in her family ever died in a helicopter accident?  The date is to walk on the bottom of the ocean floor.  Wonder if anyone in her family has ever drowned?? She's afraid of water.  Me too, but I find gin straight up works just as well.  They do the underwater thing, they go to some outdoor Arabian night tent place, talk about her ex husband (still alive unfortunately) and they kiss.  "I owe you an apology for slapping you that first night"  "I love your playfulness"  not to mention rough sex...  It starts to rain.  They run into the tent which conveniently has a bed in it.  She apparently puts out and gets a rose. 

Back at the ranch, the group date arrives.  Michelle isn't included.  She's freaking out, she's sooooo stressed. 

Group date.  It's freakish.  They take a limo to a radio taping of Dr. Drew's Love Line.  In case you live under a rock, this is Dr. Drew from  Celebrity Rehab and my favorite, Celebrity Sex Rehab.  Seriously, that is some effed up stuff.  Which makes me wonder about Brad...

Brad and Dr. Drew chat live.  Brad " I'm mainly concerned with compatibility"  The ladies can't hear,  but then Dr D brings them in.  "Ladies, who has cheated".  DAMN, no dinner first??  Stacey admits to it in college.  The rest are liars.  It's all psycho mumbo jumbo.  Brad " I want to be myself".  Ashley H "that's hard".  Blah blah blah.  I took the dog for a walk about now. 

Dinner.  It's a fight to get 1/1 time.  Alli gets it and Ashley S steals him.  They are all being 'engaging". 

Back at ho-ville, date note.  SHIT, it's for Michelle.  "Let's hang out together".  She is all freaking out because her note doesn't have the word love in it.  Crazy time.

Ashley H (dentist) "I'll be devastated if I don't get 1/1 time".  Britt (who the hell is Britt??) gets a kiss.  Ashley H is freaking.  She interrupts the make out session.  She has turned into a bitch, surprising even me.  They seem to not be getting along this week.  In the hot tub, Brad has the rose.  He takes Britt and leaves with the rose.  Ashley: "I think I ruined what Brad and I had". 

Next day, Ashley is still in meltdown mode.  Michelle is mad.  "It's my day.  I don't want to hear it".  Brad shows up and asks to talk to Ashley before they leave for their date.  Oh no you didn't.  Michelle is mad.  "It's my day".  Brad " I had to talk to you Ashley.  We had an amazing first date...you amaze me.  I don't want to lose what we had for 2 hours.  You excite me...We have something real".  OH GAG.  Michelle: "She's getting 30 minutes of my date...look at my eye, if I don't get a rose because he's thinking of her I will elbow her in the face". 

Date-she's still pissed off.  They go to his house.  Another helicopter arrives.  "We're going to repel down the building for dinner".  WTF?? She's afraid of heights.  She does it, they kiss half way down.  Totally GAY music is playing.  "I need you Brad".  Brad: "It was an overwhelming bonding experience".  They jump in the pool, kisssssss.  She gets a damn rose.  "I can see my life with Michelle working out well".  He is a freaking idiot.

Ding ding ding, cocktail party.  My notes sucked so bad I had to go watch this horror again.  Brad wants to spend time with ladies he hasn't gotten time to fondle this week.  Chantal is falling for him (drink).  Brad is one step closer to meeting his wife.  I am one step closer to upchucking.

He pulls Shantall out.  She feels all secure and good.  Brad is glad because 1) they have a connection and 2) it's one less woman to go all wack on him.  "I think our thing is going to be I count to 3 and jump in your arms and you kiss me".  Ugh, that is going to get annoying.  Kiss.

He pulls out Meghan.  Seriously there are too many dark haired ladies for me to keep track of them.  Brad " I admire who you are, and that you don't get all crazy in the hot tub but I keep wanting to know who you are".  " I know, I have a wall up but that is good sometimes.  Some of these girls are freaking crazy loons, who go on one date with you and cry for a week"  Brad: "You need to own up and put out more". 

Emily is looking sad.  And very vapid.  Seriously, she is not a deep thinker I believe.  She hadn't seen Brad much.  He comes in and asks to talk to her.  He ways, "I have something for you (I'll bet you do, Brad...)" and he pulls out a basket with pillows and blankets.  And just like that a major shit storm hits.  Meee-freaking-ooooowwwww time. 

Seriously the other ho's are on major freak out mode.  IT'S NOT FAIR, IT'S LIKE HE THOUGHT OF HER IN ADVANCE AND PLANNED TO SEE HER".  He's really into her, I'm a FOOL, a FOOL I tell you!  Why not me???

Michelle "Pffft, If I hadn't had the best date ever I'd be jealous". 

Brad recreates the vineyard date which he says was perfect but I remember she didn't talk during the vineyard part.  Anywhoo.  "I missed you" " I missed you too" "I think about you a lot" "I think about you a lot too".  Jesus, she's a parrot.  "I had a great time on our date" "I had a great time too".  I'm starting to think the old fiance cut the gas lines to that plane to get outta this.  "How's your little girl"  I seriously expected her to say, "Great, how is yours?"  But no, she rambles on that she left presents for every day she would be gone, so her daughter is OK with her being gone.  He loves this.  Yawn.

Chantal starts to cry.  She interrupts his time with poor pathetic Ashley H.  "I'm upset... I'm seeing you make connections with other women, like we are on some show where you date a lot of women and pick one".  "The women you pick are all mentally unstable and now I think I am too sane for you, so I am going to act all unstable tonight".  Brad: "Be confident!  You are everything I haven't been with in the past (is that even a real sentence??).  Trust me, I'm man enough to get there.  She mocks him.  "I love that you bust my balls"  Kisssss.

Ding ding ding.  Rose time. 

Already holding roses: Chantell, Michelle and Britt.

Will you accept?
Ashley S
Alli
Emily
Shantell
Lisa (who the hell is Lisa???)
Jackie
Marissa
and finally poor pathetic Ashley H.

Leaving is Meghan, who didn't put out, Stacey who cheated in college and Lindsey, who I have no idea who she is.