Most Depressing Bachelor Episode EVAH

OMG, make it stop.  Is this the saddest most pathetic, dead person memorial of a season ever??  Not since the Olympics have I heard so many damn tragic stories.  Poor Brad even had to have an emergency crisis therapy session in the middle of the episode. 

This week, 1 group shame date, 2 individual dates.  No rose, no sleeping with the other ho's. 

Date card...Ashley S (nanny) "Let's find our lurve song".  This even sounds bad.  Ashley proclaims, "I'm getting kissed tonight", which sounds a whole lot better than, "I might be getting herpes from one of those other ladies he has kissed tonight". 

Ooh, Michelle is a hater!!  Gotta have at least one of them a season.  Seriously, I'd be removing the knives from the drawers. 

Brad (who, yes Tess, NEVER SMILES) says Ashley makes him feel comfortable.  Ah, yes, ladies, we love to be told we make someone feel comfortable, don't we?? 

The big date...is at Capital Records (owned by ABC perhaps??), where they get to sing "Kiss From A Rose".  OMGAAAZZZZZZ, THAT SONG REMINDS ME OF MY DEAD FATHER (Spoiler alert, y'all want to drink at the words "dead father").  They sing.  They suck, but she made him feel comfortable while he sucked.  Then...off to a concert with Seal singing the real song.  Kinda nice.  "I'm falling for Brad" (for you newbies, this line is ALWAYS CAUSE TO SLAM SOME ALCOHOL DOWN YOUR GULLET).  Then to the rooftop dinner.  "My dad and I used to sing that song together, and now he's DEAD (slurp).  He had a brain aneurysm and DIED.  DEAD I tell you, DEAD.  Brad is thinking, "maybe I shouldn't have this girl up on the 35th floor of a building..."

Next up, group date.  "Love Hurts".  Not if you use one of the many new K-Y products, just a tip.  Michelle is crying because she doesn't get a 1 on 1.  They go to a movie set and I gotta tell you how upset I was that they were doing an action film, NOT porn.  Although perhaps that would be redundant.  He wants an ACTIVE girl.  I'm thinking the girl in the white who is more worried about pit stains isn't gonna be the one.  Lots of martial arts moves, Michelle is hating on everyone, and then Shawntel is really kicking ass.  She gets to rescue Brad, who is in bondage (shirtless) , and give him a big hot kiss.  Michelle can't watch (we finally agree on something).  We do get to hear all about the fireworks that are gonna erupt when Michelle gets her saliva swap. 

The ladies and Brad then head over to a rap partay.  Into the pool!  And then the fight for 1 on 1 time is on.  Chantal O pulls him over.  "I don"t want to put any pressure on you...but let me pressure you".  She starts crying.  Brad "tell me your worst mistake"  COMING ON THIS SHOW!!!!!!!  OMFG she starts telling Brad she hadn't talked to her Dad in 15 years, and then she called her stepmom and HE WAS DEAD!!!  DEAD I TELL YOU, DEAD!!!  Seriously by this point I was laughing out loud.  "I'm falling for this man" .  Drink about 5 times on this 1 on 1. 

Ooh, back at the house, Emily gets the date box.  'Love is intoxicating".  Emily shares her story of her boyfriend's DEATH and her subsequent pregnancy with his baby with the ladies.  Christ, I agree with Madison-Fangs, "that trumps any dead person story I have".

Back to the fun fun fun party.  Alli has 1/1 in a glass enclosed room.  They start talking about I think their lack of sexual chemistry, and Michelle the stalker comes in to the room.  "When you're done..." and then she stands there and plays a countertop like it's drums.  LOL.  Psyyyyycho. 

He talks to her.  "I feel selfish for leaving my daughter...I want to know if I'm doing the right thing, whoring myself out on national TV for a man".  Am I doing the right thing???  Hint hint hint, say it's me now.  He basically kisses her to shut her up.  "He's mine"

Ok, I think I walked the dog here because the next thing I know he is going down and getting a rose and I am screaming at the teevee NOOOOOOO.  But Shawntel gets the rose.  Whew. 

Emily's date.  They go for a drive to a private jet.  And she fails to yell out, "OMG my boyfriend DIED in one of those".  So they get on and she's all weird.  They fly to Santa Maria and have a really bad picnic.  She isn't talking.  "Tell me about you"  "Nothing special".  He keeps pushing, she says something stupid like, "I get cranky when I'm tired..."  "My only other relationship was my best friend.  BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME..."  Very uncomfortable to watch.

Commercial

Now they are in a barn for dinner.  "I gotta tell him".  "So,  yo, here's the shizzle, I was in love once, BEST MAN EVER, way better than you, and his plane crashed AND HE WAS DEAD, DEAD I TELL YA, and then I was preggers with his kid, so now I am the happy mom of a 5 year old girl WHOSE DAD IS DEAD.  Jeeezuz.  Brad, never one for fun, "loves her even more".  Well played, my lady, well played.  She gets a rose.

Mini therapy session..."make the girls feel comfortable".  Ahhhh, yes, instead of creeping them out.  Good suggestion.

Cocktail party.  Alli is wrapped up like a present for him.  A VERY ugly, baggy present.  Her parents are divorced, her dad cheater, introduced her to a half sister"...  Brad is thinking, "AT LEAST YOUR DAD IS ALIVE".  He tells her "I've never cheated on a woman".  How about a man??

Michelle the h8er "Can I have you??  It bothers me that you talk to other girls".  Shawntel in leopard.  Brad: "I didn't open up back to you and I let you down".  Michelle the h8er stalks back into the picture.  "you and I are in a fight.  I shared my kiss with you and now I find out you kissed other girls".  Honey, the show is called the bachelor.  "I don't want you to pursue anyone else..."  Brad likes this.  Kill me now.

Madison is wrapped in a blanket and crossing names off a list I believe.  She gets her 1/1, takes off her fangs (Roooooxanne) and basically says, "I don't have a pathetic story, just a pair of fake fangs, I don't want to take you away from any of the real pathetic losers who only have one chance left in their life for lurve". 

Ashley H (last week's winner): "I'm good (in that I am soooo not good voice) but it's hard here.  Don't keep me unless you feel like you like me. " She gives him a cheek kiss.  Ooooh.  He leaves but comes back and gives her a big kiss.

Chris enters.  Thank god.  Ladies, time for roses.

First off, who wants to leave??  No one.

First rose goes to the h8er, Michelle.  Obviously the ABC pick of the week.
Then Chatell O.

Wait, fang walks out!!  They talk, she leaves.  "I was a fake from the start".  Brad gets a drink, downs it, goes outside, comes back...Drags this most dramatic rose moment out way too long.

Roses: Lisa, Jackie, Ashley H, Marissa, Britt, Lindsey, Meghan and Stacey.

Out: Vampire, Kimberly and Sarah P. 

See ya next time, ladies!